The Light, by Jess
Category: Post-ep, Gone Quiet (CJ/Sam)
Rating: Very strong R. Be warned that this is a bit racier than past installments.
Summary: It's just you and me in the sheets, And the whole wide world is just a jail
Disclaimer: You know the drill. Nothing belongs to me.
Thanks: Sid, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
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The bar buzzes with muffled laughter and muted conversation, but somewhere underneath the noise I can detect the faint strains of some unidentifiable song from the ancient jukebox in the corner. I tilt my head to the side hoping to discern the lyrics and Toby arches an eyebrow.
"What are you doing?"
"What song is this? I can't hear it…"
"Who cares what song this is? This is your day of jubilee," Josh slurs from beside me.
"This is not my day of jubilee," I inform him as I pluck his half- empty bottle of beer from his hands. "If Toby or Sam had an answer to The Question, then perhaps this day could indeed qualify as one of jubilation. As it stands however, I am just happy that the majority leader so thoroughly tanked on The Question."
"It's not an easy question, CJ," Sam says from across the table as he looks to Toby for backup.
"Whatever," Josh snorts as he tries to wrestle his drink back. "Come on, Claudia Jean. That's only my second beer."
"What do you mean, `whatever'? Medical research and the internet, Josh?" Toby deadpans as he downs the last of his scotch. "Leave the speeches to the professionals, ok?"
Josh colors a little bit and turns to me. "You told him what we said?"
"Donna told Ginger, Ginger told me, and I told Toby," Sam smiles.
"Sell-out," Josh mutters.
I pat the top of his hand and laugh at his sullen look. "Don't worry, mi amor. You're still in charge of the secret plan to fight inflation. You don't need to be a speech writer for that."
Josh buries his head in his arms and groans. "I'm never going to live that one down, am I?"
"Nope," Sam says before I can.
As much as I love torturing Josh, nature calls and I stand up a bit unsteadily. "If you'll excuse me, I have to go powder my nose."
"You want us to order you another drink?" Toby asks.
I look at the two empty glasses on the table, and think about the two I had before and shake my head. "No thank you."
I weave my way through the crowd to the back of the bar and sigh in relief when I don't see a line to the women's rest room. I wash my hands and wince at my reflection in the mirror. The lighting is incredibly harsh in here and the circles under my eyes are much more visible. But I smile as I think of the reason for those dark circles.
And then I actually see the reason as I step out of the door. He's leaning against the wall and smiles at my surprise. "I missed you," he whispers huskily as he walks closer until we are centimeters apart and I can feel his warm breath against my neck.
"Sam, someone is going to see us," I warn as my eyes dart down the long hallway.
He shrugs carelessly and traces one finger across the top of my cotton shell, leaving a path of fire in its wake. My breath hitches in my throat as he presses a soft kiss on my collarbone. "I don't care."
I let him drag my mouth to his until I am lost in a haze of desire and lust. His hands are everywhere at once and I can almost believe that I really don't care if anyone were to find us tangled up like this. The spell is broken however as he begins to tug my skirt up around my waist impatiently.
"No, Sam. Not here," I hiss as I slap his hands away.
His blue eyes are still clouded with arousal as he leans back. "I need you now, CJ."
I smile at the unspoken plea in his voice and straighten my skirt. "We can leave in an hour. It'll look suspicious if we were to head out now."
I kiss the tip of his nose and hurry off before he can respond. Toby eyes me curiously as I approach the table and I wonder if he knows somehow that I've just been making out with his deputy. My cheeks flush and I look down, noticing for the first time that Sam has somehow managed to unbutton my blouse without my knowledge.
Fuck.
"You a little hot there, CJ?" Toby asks quietly, not quite meeting my embarrassed gaze.
Josh raises his head and smiles lopsidedly. "You gonna perform a strip tease for us?"
"It will definitely up our approval points," Sam opines as he sits down again smiling.
"You'd never get that lucky, boys," I return easily as I wave the waitress over. "Tom Collins, please." I need a drink.
"Friends in Low Places," Toby says suddenly.
"Pardon me?"
"That was the song you were trying to figure out earlier."
"Cuz I got friends in low places, where the whiskey drowns and the beer chases my blues away," Josh begins, injecting a southern twang into his words.
"Josh, I beg of you, please, stop."
"And I'll be ok. I'm not big on social graces, think I'll slip on down to Oasis, cuz I got friends in low places," Sam continues as he and Josh exchange grins.
"See what you started, Pokey?"
"I was just answering your question…and you were the one singing some deplorable song by a one-hit wonder all day today, so I wouldn't look down your nose at these two clowns."
"Hey, that is a great song!" I protest. "And I didn't hear you complaining when I was dancing for you."
"You danced for Toby but you won't dance for us?" Josh whines.
Toby remains strangely quiet as I shrug my shoulders. "You snooze you lose."
"How was she?" Josh asks as if I'm not sitting at the table.
"I was magnificent, graceful, sultry," I cut in when he doesn't reply immediately.
Josh rolls his eyes at me and turns back to Toby. "She was ok," he finally answers.
I reach across the table and smack his forehead. "Ok? Just ok? No more impromptu dances for you, my friend."
"I'll survive."
"At first I was afraid, I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side. But then I spent so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong, and I grew strong, I learned how to get along—"
"Swear to God, Josh, I'm never letting you consume another alcoholic beverage again if you don't shut up," Toby growls.
I laugh at Josh's expression and look to Sam, who is busy peeling the label off his imported beer and avoiding my eyes. What the hell did I do now? For days he has been distant and unapproachable, leaving my apartment hours before I wake up. Sometimes there is a hastily scribbled note; other times there is nothing but the lingering scent of his cologne and a single trouser sock.
And each time I wake up alone, my heart splinters and I wonder how much longer it will be until it breaks all together. I never meant to get this far invested. I never meant to get addicted to the gentle caress of his hands and the urgency in his kiss. I never meant to fall in love.
OK, stop right there, Claudia Jean. You are not in love with Sam Seaborn. You are mildly interested. He is a passing fancy, a phase, someone to share physical pleasure with, who looks great and smells nice. Nothing more. At least, not yet, although he gets closer everyday to touching something that I've had blocked off for years. And surprisingly, it doesn't scare me as much as it should.
Something changed a few nights ago. He started leaving in the middle of the night, and stopped coming to my office for lunch. And it worries me because I'm the one who's supposed to run. I'm the one who's supposed to break his heart in the end by my callous disregard. But it doesn't seem to be working out that way.
"Well, you guys have been a barrel of laughs, but if CJ isn't going to let me drink anymore, I'm getting the hell out of here."
"Yeah, it's getting late," Sam agrees as he throws some bills on the table and shrugs into his jacket. "Share a cab?"
"Might as well. See you crazy kids tomorrow," Josh calls as he and Sam make their way to the door.
Toby and I sit in companionable silence as we both nurse our drinks, but I feel his gaze upon me whenever I look around the smoke-filled room. It's unnerving to say the least and panic spreads through out my body because I'm sure he knows about the clandestine affair Sam and I are having.
"What?" I finally ask in annoyance.
"What `what'?"
"You're staring at me."
"Yes."
"Why?"
"There's something different about you."
"Well I did get a trim the other day. You know—"
"I don't mean a hair cut. You're…" he trails off in embarrassment.
"I'm what?"
"Nothing."
"Things are going well, lately," I say conversationally when it becomes clear he isn't going to tell me what he was going to say.
"For you maybe. You didn't take the NEA meeting today."
"For someone who hates the arts, Tobas, you sure are passionate about the NEA."
"Let me tell you about the NEA, CJ," Toby begins as I slouch in my seat because this particular rant could take hours. I mentally kick myself because I should be with Sam doing naughty things right now.
Even though I need sleep, I find myself in front of Sam's darkened house. I knock a few times, but there is no answer, and I finally realize that he's not home. I should have known better.
But I don't leave. No, instead I sit on the bottom step of his porch and pull my coat tightly around my body because the temperature has dropped a few degrees since the sun went down, and my breath floats in icy fog when I sigh.
When did I become this pathetic? I mean, seriously? I was on top of the world today, and Sam manages to bring me down to this simpering level with his cold indifference. When did I give this control to him? At what point did I surrender my power?
Expensive leather meets with damp asphalt in an oddly comforting rhythm and I look down the street, smiling as Sam slows his pace once he spots me on the stairs. His eyes are twinkling as he sits beside me.
"Hey," he says softly as he slides our palms together.
"Hey," I respond quietly. "I take it you and Josh made a stop somewhere else?"
Sam ducks his head guiltily. "Yeah, he just wanted one more beer."
"Which means, of course, he had two more."
"Yeah, but don't worry, I made sure he got home all right. Have you been waiting long?"
"No, just about ten minutes. Toby wouldn't shut up about the goddamn NEA."
A shadow crosses over Sam's face, but he quickly covers it with a too- bright smile. "Come on, it's freezing out here," he says as he tugs me to my feet.
Once the door is locked behind us, he pushes me up against the wall and begins gently sucking on my neck, eliciting a purr-- yes a purr-- from yours truly. He pulls back and smiles at me mischievously. "You like that, huh?"
You know, maybe surrendering power isn't all that bad sometimes. "Shut up and get back to work."
He throws his head back to laugh and I move forward quickly, kissing the salty skin just below his ear. He twines his fingers into my hair and kneads my scalp tenderly, letting out a small sound of disappointment as I suddenly stop my ministrations.
"You know, Sam. What you did in O'Malley's was very reckless."
"I know," he whispers as his hand moves to my skirt to tug on the zipper.
"I'm serious here. What if Toby would have happened by…or God forbid, Josh?"
"I would have told them to get their own girl."
"First of all, I am not a girl. Second of all, ooooooooh, Sam." I close my eyes as he runs his hands lazily up and down the inside of my thighs. He continues his assault on my neck and anything I was going to say fades away as pleasure takes over my senses.
Damn, he's good.
"All I'm saying is, if you're going to dance for anybody, it should be me," Sam whispers against my ear as he pulls me closer, wrapping his arms possessively around my waist.
"Hey, I tried spreading joy to you today, but you were too busy," I smile.
He sighs and buries is face in my hair. "Yeah."
"Are you ok, Sam?" I ask quietly as I try to shift my position. His hands hold me in place however and he slips his knee between my thighs causing me to moan softly.
"I am now."
"But earlier?" I prompt, determined not to let his talented hands distract me.
""CJ, there's an exquisitely beautiful woman in my bed and I'd rather not talk about work."
"An exquisitely beautiful woman, huh?"
"Mmm hmm," he murmurs as he trails wet kisses along my shoulder, causing me to shiver.
"Where is she?"
Sam chuckles and gently pinches my side. "You're funny."
"I always thought so. Hey Samshine?"
"Yeah?"
"You want me to dance for you?"
He immediately relinquishes his hold on me, and I slip out of bed. "Stay here," I instruct sternly.
"Wait, where are you going?"
"Don't worry, I'll be back. I just need to find some music."
His eyes roam lasciviously over my naked form and I wonder when I became comfortable enough to walk around bare-assed in front of Sam. His frank and open stare doesn't even elicit a blush.
"Hurry up."
I laugh at the almost painful desire in his voice and saunter out to the living room, picking up the trail of clothes we discarded in our haste to get to the bed. I quickly pull on my underwear and skirt as my eyes skim his CD collection.
"Perfect," I whisper as I insert Marvin Gaye into his impressive stereo, rushing back into the bedroom fully-clothed.
Disappointment flashes across his chiseled features as I lean against the doorway. "Are you leaving?"
I don't answer him, but instead walk further into the room, gyrating my hips as Marvin begins crooning about getting it on. I smile seductively as I allow my hands to roam across my chest, finally settling on the top button of my blouse.
His eyes light up and I swear he gulps as I slowly work my way down the buttons of the shirt, finally slipping out of it all together and tossing it behind me. I walk closer until I'm standing in front of him and I feel the heat in his gaze all the way to my fingertips. He reaches for me, but I evade his hands and work the zipper of my skirt, letting it fall to the floor in one fluid motion.
He groans loudly when I pull the chemise over my head, running the cotton down the length of my body before letting it fall to the floor. I approach him once more and allow his hands to rest on my hips as I straddle his thighs, delighting in the feel of his obvious arousal beneath me. His incredible eyes, a shade darker now, glaze over as I begin grinding in his lap, and it isn't long before I'm pinned under him, a willing prisoner of his lips and hands.
An hour later, my head cradled on his firm chest, he sighs in satisfaction and exhaustion. I plant a soft kiss on his warm skin and smile when his grip around me tightens.
"You know, CJ. If this is how you danced for Toby, I'm going to have to break out the dueling pistols."
I chuckle slightly and cup the side of his face, moaning when he grazes his lips across my knuckles. "Only you, Sam."
He's silent for a few moments, and then he clears his throat. "Do you think Toby knows?"
"Knows about what?"
"About our sleeping arrangements," Sam explains, even though I'm sure he knows that my confusion is only a ploy.
"Let's not think about that, ok?"
"Would you care?"
I wonder how Sam became so adept at ruining a good moment and I groan in disbelief. "Do we have to talk about this now?"
"You wanted to know what was bothering me," he says sullenly as he moves out from under me to recline against the headboard.
I sit up and sigh. "You said it was about work."
"And it is. You know…we're managing to get our ads on TV by using soft money."
"But that's illegal."
"Not if you change a few words and make it seem like we're not saying, `hey vote for us'."
"Sam, we're running for re-election."
"Yeah, and?"
"Oh, don't be a child."
He glares at me, and I suddenly feel out of place, naked in his bed with his scent clinging to my skin. He runs a hand warily through his dark hair and brings his knees up to his chest. "I just didn't think it would be this way."
And now I feel small and petulant because he looks so lost and bereft, and I know my part in it. "Oh Sam,"
"Don't, CJ. Don't try and make this seem right."
"I wasn't going to."
"You know…I was so mad at him." I don't need to ask who the `him' was because although we have never discussed President Bartlet in anything but the abstract, Sam still harbors some anger and resentment about the betrayal, and how things were handled.
"I know."
"He lied to us."
"Yes."
"But I have no right to be angry at him. I'm a hypocrite, CJ. And so are you."
"What?"
His eyes are blazing with indignation now as he stands to pace in front of the bed. When he looks at me, there is so much fury buried in his eyes that I back up a little. "We are staging a cover-up."
"Don't be ridiculous, Sam," I say when I finally regain the power of speech. "We're not—"
"You're ashamed of me…of us."
"There is no us, remember? And I'm not ashamed of anything."
He laughs bitterly and places his hands on his hips. "You're so scared of Toby finding out about us…you're so scared of anyone finding out about us."
"You men are all alike!" I almost yell as I get to my feet and start gathering my clothes. "Once you start sleeping with someone, you have to parade her around and show her off. I'm not your trophy."
"Is that what you think this is about? Damn it. I want to take you to restaurants, and I don't mean Taco Bell. I want to take you to movies, and plays. I want to be able to hold your hand in public. I'm just tired of this deceit."
His voice trembles on the last word, and he sits down heavily on the bed. It takes everything in me not to comfort him, not to tell him that I want the same things. But I have to be the strong one. I've always had to be the strong one.
"You keep talking like we're a couple. We're not, and we never will be."
"Because I'm not good enough for you," he whispers as he buries his face in his hands.
"Don't play the martyr with me. This has nothing to do with whether or not you're good enough," I respond angrily as I pull my skirt on with unnecessary violence.
"Then what is this about? Why are you so scared to commit to anything? Why are you so damned terrified of me?
I look at him for a few long moments and realize that this is a gap we will never be able to bridge. Because no matter how much I care for Sam, I can't sacrifice my dignity for him. I know that if we were to go public, I'd be a joke, a punch line. Sam is too pretty and I'm too old. And I can't do that for him. I can't do that for anyone.
"I think it's time we said goodbye," I whisper because I don't want him to hear the pain in my voice.
He studies me and then tersely nods his head. "Yeah."
He turns his back to me and I dress quickly in the oppressive silence. He doesn't understand, and I don't have the strength to explain it to him. So instead I stand in front of him, waiting for him to look at me. When he doesn't, I gently kiss the top of his head and whisper a goodbye. I start to pull away, but he wraps his arms around my waist and buries his face in my stomach.
"Good-bye, Claudia."
When he slackens his hold, I run my hand down the side of his face one last time and try to commit the image of him now, naked and so beautiful, to memory because it will be the only thing to comfort me in the weeks ahead. I close the door behind me and trap a sob in my throat because I am walking away from the man who has made me feel so vital and alive. What in the hell am I doing?
-fin-
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You turn out the light
And the dark sucks on the embers of the fire
My heart smoulders in the night
And these tumbling boulders of desire
Come rolling out the shadows in me
Rolling out the shadows in me
Rolling out the shadows in me
You say I thought time was meant to take away the hurting
As your lonely silhouette closes the curtain
Back on the road destination uncertain
So lets get in this car and drive
And this feeling I feel so strong
So powerful it cant be wrong
Now the whole frosted night is just a song
A song for you
A song for you
A song for you
Now the moon is splashed right over the street
Like my tears on your thighs so pale
It's just you and me in the sheets
And the whole wide world is just a jail
When you're away from me
You're away from me
You're away from me
And it's rolling on by
Here come the night
You turn out the light
And the dark sucks on the embers of the fire
My heart smoulders in the night
And these tumblin boulders of desire
And we're rolling
And we're rolling
Rolling rolling rolling
Rolling rolling rolling rolling rolling
Ahh rolling
Rolling rolling rolling
Rolling out the shadows in me
You turn out the light
--The Light, David Gray--