Note: Every once in a while a truly excellent fic comes along. One of particular brilliance. One that earns the author a legion of fans and inspires the whole fandom.

This is not one of those fics.

In September of 2002 I was tired of waiting for OotP and out of frustration and boredom wrote this truly bizarre piece of "literature". JKR is kidnapped and put on trial by the wizarding community of Great Britain for misrepresenting them in her books. What begins as a trial evolves into an increasingly random epic involving Rowena Ravenclaw, sherbet lemons, RL/SB, Moulin Rouge, and a cast of OOC characters, including JKR herself. Not to mention weredachshunds, Voldemort, RW/HG, and the ghost of Tom Riddle's mother. Think Mel Brooks meets HP.

There are a few allusions in here to Ballyharnon's fic Of Linen. The opinions stated about it are solely those of the (AU) characters; they are not mine. Hey, if someone wrote a fic in which you/your boyfriend was an opium addict and it wasn't true, would you be happy? grins

There are some places in which "lemon drops" should really be "sherbet lemons". I left it for the sake of the historical accuracy of my ignorance.

May JKR forgive me for this fic. As Oscar Wilde would say, "Each man kills the thing he loves", and I think I just about killed the Potterverse here.

Chapter One: The Kidnapping

"Chapter Two," I wrote, "The Owl." Oh great! One of my nails is chipped. You can call me a narcissist, but it just BOTHERS me to write when there's this big glaring chip in my nail polish. Just as I stood up to go for the nail polish remover, the phone rang. It was my agent.

"Joanne! I hate to be blunt, but WHERE'S THE BOOK?"

"It's coming, for the last time," I said, trying to decide between magenta and blue polish as I spoke.

"Look, honey, I know you're busy. What with all these signings and appearances and all....but the public's starting to get really restless. If the new movie wasn't coming out, I think they might start a riot or something. And have you read some of the stories on ? They make your characters do the strangest things. Before long, people will have forgotten who your real characters are!"

"I see your point," I said. The manicure would have to wait. I went back to the computer.

"Just keep writing. I'll be in touch. Bye."

"Bye."

I took a deep breath, sat down, and placed my hands on the keyboard.

After what seemed like hours, I opened my eyes again. But I wasn't at my house in Edinburgh anymore. I was sitting in what looked like....a courtroom!?!

"All rise for the honorable Albus Dumbledore," intoned a deep voice. "Court is now is session."

As my eyes adjusted to the light, I realized that a tall man with long white hair was approaching the judge's bench. A queasy feeling came over my stomach. "Wait a second!" I cried. "What is going on here?"

Dumbledore looked at me and answered. "You are on trial, Ms. Rowling, for misrepresenting the wizarding community of Great Britain."

"But I how did I get here?" I asked, now a bit scared.

"Officers from the Ministry of Magic turned your computer into a Portkey while you were on the phone. We figured that it was the easiest way."

"All right," I said, my stomach sinking to my feet, "I admit that I changed a few details, and I'm sorry. But look at all the fame I've gotten you! Millions of children know your names!"

"Our names and false information," said Dumbledore gravely. "But I am only the judge here. Your lawyer will be Miss Hermione Granger. Representing the wizarding community of Great Britain is Professor Minerva McGonagall."

"Wait! You know, I wasn't really expecting all of this. Could I have a few minutes to speak to Miss Granger and prepare some sort of a defense?"

"You have five minutes," said Dumbledore. "Miss Granger is sitting over there."

Wiping the sweat from my brow, I left the stand and walked over to the table Dumbledore was pointing to.

Hermione was sorting through some papers. "Oh, hello," she said. "I know I might not be much of an attorney, but I did help out Hagrid with Buckbeak's case and I've spent loads of time researching in the library for you. You're rather lucky you've got anyone to represent you, most of the wizards are quite angry."

"Look, I know that I changed some things about them," I said. "But I never intended to hurt anyone!"

"I know, I know," said Hermione reassuringly. "Now, we've only got a few minutes. The main people who are angry with you are Snape, Sirius, Filch, Malfoy, and Percy. Testifying for our side are Ron, Harry, Lupin, and Hagrid. I'm going to try and play up the whole 'artistic license' point of view."

"All right," I said. The gavel banged and court came back to order. I walked back to the stand.

"Ms. Rowling," said Dumbledore, "first we will clear up some of the preliminary facts of the case."

"All right."

"On 1996, did you receive owl post from Harry Potter while on a train?"

"Yes."

"And what did this letter say?"

"He said he had a story he was willing to tell me, thought it might make an excellent book. I met with him a week later and he told me the whole story."

"Thank you."

Professor McGonagall stood up. "The prosecution would like to call Sirius Black to the stand."