Life's Dance
*Year 6*
"For a moment, all the world was right...and now, I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end, the way it all would go. Our Lives are better left to chance; we could've missed the pain, but we'd've had to miss the dance..." -Garth Brooks
@}--,--'---
It wasn't a pleasant thing to think about, our night at the Yule Ball. That song by the Muggle singer, Garth Brooks, says it all. Teenagers are very cruel. I would have loved to skip all the hurt feelings and hate. But that would have meant missing the dance...
Looking back, I believe it all started on Christmas afternoon, when I had hidden myself away in the library. And I still remember why. I hadn't been invited to the ball...
I stared at the lock of hair falling in my face. Normally, I would've brushed it away, but then I didn't bother. It'd just fall again. I sat there, on the library floor, wallowing in self-pity. It was Christmas. If anything, I should've been excited. The Yule Ball was only hours away. But I wasn't going. No one had asked me. I was possibly the only girl not going with some one. And I certainly wasn't about to go alone.
So there I sat, hidden away amongst the old, musty library books. It's not like I needed to hide; no one would notice that I was missing; no one would try to find me. I only had (or at least I thought I had) two friends. Laurel seemed pretty cool. She was a Ravenclaw. I'd met her through my little brother, Michael. Severus, my real, true friend, was a Slytherin like I was. I'd known him since way back in our first year when we'd both failed the same pop quiz and I'd hoped he'd ask me to the ball.
No such luck. I, Shelly McKernon, was a sixteen-year-old dateless wonder. Not even my best friend had asked me to go. And I liked him too. I liked him a lot. In fact, I loved him. I'd loved him since October -ever since the night Remus Lupin had nearly killed him- and he didn't even know it.
I didn't know at the time why I liked him. It was one of those things that just can't be explained. He wasn't the best looking kid, but he wasn't bad either. In fact, I thought he was kind of cute. Don't ask me why. Maybe I was attracted to angst. But whatever the reasons, I did love him, and he broke my heart by not asking me to go.
"There you are." Laurel was standing before me, still in her school robe. "I've been looking all over for you. C'mon, time to go get ready for tonight." She'd been invited to the ball by Sirius Black -a popular Gryffindor and "all around good guy."I, however, knew better. Sirius was the one who had tried to kill Severus and I hated him. "I'm not going." I said quietly, "No one asked me." Instead, I'd be sitting in the Common Room with any one thirteen or younger. "So go alone." She suggested. I glared at her. She sighed. "Look, if he didn't ask you, why don't you ask him? It's not too late. And he's shy about how he feels about you." I glared harder. She wasn't supposed to know I liked Severus. And besides..."He's not going." I grunted, "He already told me." She smiled. "He might change his mind if you ask him." I stood up and brushed past her, "Unlikely." But I headed off in the direction of the Slytherin Common Room to look for him anyway.
We met in the hallway. He appeared to be looking for some one. As it turned out, that some one was me. "Shelly, we need to talk." He began, just as I said "Severus, I know this is last minute, but..." We stopped. Looked at one another. Then we both blurted out, at the same time, "Will you go to the Yule Ball with me?" Another pause. Then he grinned. "Here. Come on." He pulled me into an empty classroom.
"What made you change your mind?" I asked curiously. He smiled shyly. Shrugged. "I 'unno. Felt brave for a moment, I guess. So you'll go?" He asked softly. "Of course I will." I told him. There was no one I'd rather go with. His smile widened. "I would've thought you'd want to go with some one else. Some one popular and attractive." He looked at me through glittering eyes; his voice dropped to a whisper, "I thought you liked Lupin." I smiled a bit and I know my face turned red. Remus interested me. I'd never known a werewolf before. But Severus...I loved Severus. I loved everything about him. I even loved his imperfections and I loved his weaknesses. "Maybe I have a crush on Remus. But -even if he'd asked me- I'd rather go with you and have a good time than be nervous and wierd with Remus." We both knew he never would have asked me. Remus was a Gryffindor, I was a Slytherin. The two simply did not mix. And any way, he was taking pretty little Nikki, a Gryffindor fifth year.
Severus shuffled his feet. He pushed his hair out of his eyes. His nervous fidgiting was making me nervous. He wanted to say more, but had neither the words nor the voice to express himself. We were sitting on a desk, the same way we sat in the grass when Remus had nearly killed him, looking at one another. When he looked at me like that, I felt like I could see into his very soul. We'd been interupted the last time, over a year ago, and nothing so deep or intimate had happened again since. And there we were, Christmas Day -proving that miracles do happen- and I swear he was about to kiss me when-
"Mister Snape! Miss McKernon!" Professor McGonagall had found us. That was twice we'd been disrupted; twice it'd been spoiled. "I never would've expected the two of you!" She sputtered, "Potter and Evans, yes, but not the two of you. Out, Out, OUT! You both know you're not supposed to sneak into classrooms."
We slunk out of the room, silently, the both of us. I expected him to say he was hiding in his dorm for the rest of his life, but he just looked at me casually, and said, as if nothing had happened between us, as if we hadn't nearly just kissed, "See you later."
My dress robe was black and shimmery, with silver cobwebs embroidered around the hem. I'd never worn it before; Mum was forever grousing that it was for "special occasions, like weddings and fancy parties." Honestly, how often did I go to weddings? I guess the Yule Ball counted as a fancy party. The robe was gorgeous -or at least it would've been on somebody who was gorgeous. I always thought it looked wrong on me. And there wasn't much I could do with my hair -it was too short- so I left it down (By coincidence, Severus and I had the same shoulder-length, straight haircut.).
He was waiting for me in the Common Room, nervously tugging on the sleeves of his black robe. It was silk, his robe, with a sort of priest-like collar, and it was kind of plain. But he looked good in it. Very good. It made him look dark and dangerous -very mysterious- and that was how I liked him.
The first, second and third years that had not been invited to go were eying us curiously. They'd never seen us so chummy with one another, not even when we sat in front of the fire doing homework together. I wondered what they thought of us -Severus and I- and was sure it'd be some big scandal by the next morning.
He smiled, looking relieved, when I appeared in the doorway. He still looked very nervous -his face was unusually white- but his black eyes glittered with excitement that perhaps, just perhaps, we'd have a good time.
We stepped out of the secret door together and made our way to the Great Hall. Laurel was there with Sirius, and Remus with Nikki. James Potter had Lily Evans at his side (no surprise there -they'd been going together for the past three years.). Severus and Sirius eyed each other warily as Laurel and I said "Hullo" and looked aver one another's robes. Laurel looked stunning in red velour with gold trim and any one would've thought she belonged in Gryffindor.
"Shelly! Hey, Shelly! I thought you weren't coming!" My fourteen-year-old brother, Michael, was pushing his way through the crowd towards us, his girlfriend Katie trailing behind him. "Changed my mind, Mikey." I told him. He looked at Severus and smiled wickedly. "Changed his mind too, didn't you?" He said slyly. Katie tugged his sleeve, "Come on, Michael. Leave them alone." She said. "You're no fun sometimes." He pouted. But the two of 'em disappeared off into the crowd.
I looked up at Severus. He smiled weakly, but he looked almost frightened. "There's still time. We can go back..." He began. Almost instantly, my eyes began to tear up. This was the only chance we'd have. There'd be no Yule Ball the next Christmas. We'd graduate the next spring, I'd go back to New York, he'd stay in Britain, and we'd never see each other again. "...If it means that much to you..." He trailed off and I nodded. What I wanted to say was: "It's not this. It's you that means a lot to me."
He took me by the arm and led me into the Hall. That was when I began to feel extremely nervous. I felt like my lunch was doing summer-saults in my stomach. But I smiled and pretended it didn't bother me that about a million people were staring at us. I don't suppose any one would've ever expected either us to come. I was quiet and shy around crowds and Severus prefered books and homework to people. Both of us were socially awkward and we were not popular among our classmates.
Nikki didn't seem too impressed by us. "Both of them look like they're going to a funeral." She said, "God, Remus, they're so morbid. It's hard to believe she and Michael are even related." Remus didn't say anything one way or another. That bothered me. I'd always thought of us as sort of aquaintances. It hurt that he didn't defend me. "Does she think she's pretty?" Nikki went on, "Does she thinks she belongs here with us? Look at her," I heard her say, "Trying to look good. She's too fat to wear that. She looks horrible."
I sniffled a little. My eyes were clouded with tears. How dare she say that? What had I ever done to her? Nothing. I didn't even know her. But right then, I learned the truth. People judge you based on what they hear, they don't bother to know you. They make assumptions and go with that.
"And him," She went on, "He looks like he's never even washed his hair. He's so scrubby. Why would she even want to touch him?" Finally, Remus said something. "Hush, Nikki. That's enough. We came here to have a good time, not insult the nasty Slytherins."
Anger rose inside me. Never again would I think of Remus Lupin as any sort of friend. The little crush died instantly. I had no friends besides Severus. I knew it then. Laurel and Sirius were laughing at what Remus had said. I felt cold, numb, empty. Severus slid his hand into mine. I looked at him. He looked very angry. "Don't listen to any of that, Shelly. They don't know you. And you don't need friends like that. A crush on Remus Lupin...waste of time." I tried to smile, but found it very hard. "Were you jealous when I said I had a crush on him?" His eyes burned into mine. "What do you think?" He asked. "I think you were." A smile came that time, 'But I don't like him any more."
We sat down together; had a bit to eat. The Christmas Feasts were usually the best, but that year's was spectacular. It'd been a long time since the last Yule Ball and the House Elves had really outdone themselves.
Then he casually asked me if, as he suspected, I wanted to dance. That kind of surprised me. I didn't think he'd want to. I knew how to dance. I wasn't very good at it, but I knew how. Mum was the only witch in her family. I'd been to lots of Muggle parites which involved dancing. But something held me back. I shook my head. "Maybe later." He looked relieved. God, we were both sixteen and we didn't know what the Hell we were doing. That wasn't right. I felt so confused and vulnerable.
Eventually, we did wind up dancing. And I felt like I was in Seventh Heaven. I wrapped my arms around him, burried my face in his shoulder. He'd held me close to him and I could feel his heart beating. He was scared. He was nervous. He didn't know what to do. But then again, neither did I. All I knew was how I felt -so in love that I could die and be happy about it. And it felt very good. I looked up at him wordlessly. He looked very relaxed, almost content. His dark eyes were closed, a small smile was on his face. His eyes opened and blazed into mine. We drew closer and closer, our noses were nearly touching. Right at that exact moment, the rain could've been falling where ever the Hell it wanted to, the wind blowing where it damn well pleased. People tell me "everything on Earth moves somewhere," but I swear to God that time stood still.
Our lips met only for a few lingering seconds, but that was all it took for the moment to burn itself into my brain. As we pulled away from one another, he looked at me in wonder. Please understand, my eyes must've been begging, that I love you. Understand what I cannot say. What I am too afraid to say. He took my face in his hands. Stared into my eyes. Then he wrapped his arms back around me. I once again rested my head on his shoulder. He made no objections, just smiled down at me. Neither of us gave heed to anything,. We were caught up in some fantastic reverie.
We didn't see Professor McGonagall talking to our Head of House, Scythrop Southby. She must've been telling him about her finding us in a classroom together. It didn't surprise me that she was muddled by it. She'd been right. We weren't the kind of people who'd sit in empty classrooms together. Neither of us noticed when Michael and Katie scampered off together to make out. Or noticed Nikki and her friends whispering about our moment's embrace. Or that James and Sirius were staring at us, dumbstruck at the idea that either one of us had feelings or emotions. But they managed to recover from their stupor long enough to ruin it.
"God, let's see a little breathing space between you." Sirius' malicious voice unfogged our brains, sent us crashing back to Earth. James was making gagging noises. "Sirius, I can't look! Not after I just ate! God, Sirius, avert your eyes!" Insane giggling from all around us. They were laughing at us, their whole gang. Laughing!
I felt a strange tickle in the back of my throat. Tears sprang to my eyes. "Why?" I whispered, "WHY?" Nothing more. That was all I could say. I'd actually thought we'd have fun. Wrong again.
Severus released me from his grasp. He looked ready to strangle them both. Never mind the curses, he wanted to physically hurt them. His fists clenched, a vein in his temple throbbed and his face reddened. A few tears slid down my face. I didn't want this. I had dreams about the gentle boy who'd just been holding me in his arms. But this...it was a nightmare.
It was Lily Evans who stopped Severus from killing either of the other two boys. She stepped between them, pushing them away from one another. "Severus, killing James or Sirius won't make it any better." She said calmly. He glared at her, his arms folded. "It'll make me feel a Hell of a lot better." She smiled wanly. "I can't defend it, what they did. Not at all. But Severus, don't you think there are things more important than beating James to a pulp?" She questioned. "Like what?" He asked suspiciously. She pointed at me where I stood sobbing miserably.
His mouth fell open. In his rage, he'd forgotten all about me. And there I was, looking very pathetic, tears running down my face. "Are you okay, Shelly? Do you want to go?" I looked at him mournfully. "When darkness comes," I whispered, "And pain is all around, there's only one place I want to be." He stepped forward. "Where's that?" It was just me and him again, just us, and the lingering bit of that reverie. "I...I want to be safe in the arms of love..." I stammered. He drew me wordlessly back into the embrace, allowing me to cry into the front of his robe. His hand brushed away the tears from my face when I looked up at him. Our faces were once again inches apart. I closed my eyes. Felt him warm and near. My tears were drying up. Love of my life! He was holding me, protecting me. Like I'd wanted.
Nikki was perplexed. "Why would she do that? I just don't understand. She could do so much better." She had a very closed heart and mind. "Shelly has dreams," Lily said quietly, "Just like you or I. Her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she is loved. You can't help who you love, Nikki. Just like you can't help who you don't love. She doesn't choose to love him. She just does. And that is love. You think it didn't cross either of their minds that some cruel, selfish person would ruin the evening for them? You think neither of them expected this? Well, they did. They knew it was coming, because no one likes them. And they still came. Don't you understand? They did this for each other. They knew everything was on the line. And they danced anyway..." Lily was trying her best to articulate how the situation made her feel. She wasn't sure how to put it into words. But she tried.
I looked back at them all. "Why?" I asked again, "Why'd you do that? Do you know how far we've traveled for a place to heal our hearts? I've watched it unravel for both of us. We just want to put it back together; to get on with life. And tonight, it seems that living is the hardest part. You couldn't let us alone, could you?" I couldn't look at them, my eyes were on the floor. I was afraid I'd kill them all if I looked up. "We wanted to feel normal; to feel like every one else and have a good time. Any of you were the last things on our minds. But you," I looked up at James and Sirius. Then at Nikki. Remus. Laurel. I took in the faces of all those who had hurt me, one at a time; looked at them silently, "Couldn't let go of that hatred, that fear, for one night." Severus kept his arms around me, letting me know that he was there with me, that he backed me up one hundred percent. Never had I seen him so serious, so grave, so concerned about anything. He stared at them all through those black eyes, daring them to say anything more.
Feet shuffled. Heads bowed. Mutters of "I'm sorry" could be heard. Looks of frustration. They'd really hurt us. This wasn't just an innocent prank. This was something that had hurt us bad. They hadn't expected us to take it so badly. And they didn't know what to say. None of them had before ever apologized to Severus for anything they'd done to him. They'd never thought it mattered.
I recall exactly what happened next. As they trooped away together, he looked down at me and smiled. His hand was under my chin, tilting my face upward. There was that look in his eyes, that forbidden smile on his pale face. We kissed once for the good times. Twice for the bad. And those words that neither of us could speak were all around us. I love you. We just couldn't say it. But it was there. They say living might mean taking chances, but they're worth taking. Loving might be a mistake, but it's worth making. We took plenty of chances, but no mistakes were made that night. Not by either of us.
I've heard that life's a dance you learn as you go. Sometimes you lead. Sometimes you follow. If you do the steps wrong, you learn from it and try again. If you get hurt, you give it time to heal. But you always get up again. When you've got the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance. I hope You dance. We had the choice. We knew the risks. Both of us had flirted with contempt before. Both of us had danced that deadly waltz. We knew the night might have ended in tears. And we danced any way.
@}--,--'---
For life's dance, there are no lessons. You go with what you know and make the best of it. You can't pay some one to teach you the right steps, or set it to certain music. It may be hard. It may come easy. But if you take that chance, you'll learn to dance the dance. How many times do you need to hear it? I hope you dance. We took that advice to heart. We tried our hardest to get it right. Some people just aren't meant to dance. We were some of them. But there will come a time when we do get it right and we will dance amid the lights of Heaven where the steps will be correct, no matter how you do them. @}--,--'---
*Year 6*
"For a moment, all the world was right...and now, I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end, the way it all would go. Our Lives are better left to chance; we could've missed the pain, but we'd've had to miss the dance..." -Garth Brooks
@}--,--'---
It wasn't a pleasant thing to think about, our night at the Yule Ball. That song by the Muggle singer, Garth Brooks, says it all. Teenagers are very cruel. I would have loved to skip all the hurt feelings and hate. But that would have meant missing the dance...
Looking back, I believe it all started on Christmas afternoon, when I had hidden myself away in the library. And I still remember why. I hadn't been invited to the ball...
I stared at the lock of hair falling in my face. Normally, I would've brushed it away, but then I didn't bother. It'd just fall again. I sat there, on the library floor, wallowing in self-pity. It was Christmas. If anything, I should've been excited. The Yule Ball was only hours away. But I wasn't going. No one had asked me. I was possibly the only girl not going with some one. And I certainly wasn't about to go alone.
So there I sat, hidden away amongst the old, musty library books. It's not like I needed to hide; no one would notice that I was missing; no one would try to find me. I only had (or at least I thought I had) two friends. Laurel seemed pretty cool. She was a Ravenclaw. I'd met her through my little brother, Michael. Severus, my real, true friend, was a Slytherin like I was. I'd known him since way back in our first year when we'd both failed the same pop quiz and I'd hoped he'd ask me to the ball.
No such luck. I, Shelly McKernon, was a sixteen-year-old dateless wonder. Not even my best friend had asked me to go. And I liked him too. I liked him a lot. In fact, I loved him. I'd loved him since October -ever since the night Remus Lupin had nearly killed him- and he didn't even know it.
I didn't know at the time why I liked him. It was one of those things that just can't be explained. He wasn't the best looking kid, but he wasn't bad either. In fact, I thought he was kind of cute. Don't ask me why. Maybe I was attracted to angst. But whatever the reasons, I did love him, and he broke my heart by not asking me to go.
"There you are." Laurel was standing before me, still in her school robe. "I've been looking all over for you. C'mon, time to go get ready for tonight." She'd been invited to the ball by Sirius Black -a popular Gryffindor and "all around good guy."I, however, knew better. Sirius was the one who had tried to kill Severus and I hated him. "I'm not going." I said quietly, "No one asked me." Instead, I'd be sitting in the Common Room with any one thirteen or younger. "So go alone." She suggested. I glared at her. She sighed. "Look, if he didn't ask you, why don't you ask him? It's not too late. And he's shy about how he feels about you." I glared harder. She wasn't supposed to know I liked Severus. And besides..."He's not going." I grunted, "He already told me." She smiled. "He might change his mind if you ask him." I stood up and brushed past her, "Unlikely." But I headed off in the direction of the Slytherin Common Room to look for him anyway.
We met in the hallway. He appeared to be looking for some one. As it turned out, that some one was me. "Shelly, we need to talk." He began, just as I said "Severus, I know this is last minute, but..." We stopped. Looked at one another. Then we both blurted out, at the same time, "Will you go to the Yule Ball with me?" Another pause. Then he grinned. "Here. Come on." He pulled me into an empty classroom.
"What made you change your mind?" I asked curiously. He smiled shyly. Shrugged. "I 'unno. Felt brave for a moment, I guess. So you'll go?" He asked softly. "Of course I will." I told him. There was no one I'd rather go with. His smile widened. "I would've thought you'd want to go with some one else. Some one popular and attractive." He looked at me through glittering eyes; his voice dropped to a whisper, "I thought you liked Lupin." I smiled a bit and I know my face turned red. Remus interested me. I'd never known a werewolf before. But Severus...I loved Severus. I loved everything about him. I even loved his imperfections and I loved his weaknesses. "Maybe I have a crush on Remus. But -even if he'd asked me- I'd rather go with you and have a good time than be nervous and wierd with Remus." We both knew he never would have asked me. Remus was a Gryffindor, I was a Slytherin. The two simply did not mix. And any way, he was taking pretty little Nikki, a Gryffindor fifth year.
Severus shuffled his feet. He pushed his hair out of his eyes. His nervous fidgiting was making me nervous. He wanted to say more, but had neither the words nor the voice to express himself. We were sitting on a desk, the same way we sat in the grass when Remus had nearly killed him, looking at one another. When he looked at me like that, I felt like I could see into his very soul. We'd been interupted the last time, over a year ago, and nothing so deep or intimate had happened again since. And there we were, Christmas Day -proving that miracles do happen- and I swear he was about to kiss me when-
"Mister Snape! Miss McKernon!" Professor McGonagall had found us. That was twice we'd been disrupted; twice it'd been spoiled. "I never would've expected the two of you!" She sputtered, "Potter and Evans, yes, but not the two of you. Out, Out, OUT! You both know you're not supposed to sneak into classrooms."
We slunk out of the room, silently, the both of us. I expected him to say he was hiding in his dorm for the rest of his life, but he just looked at me casually, and said, as if nothing had happened between us, as if we hadn't nearly just kissed, "See you later."
My dress robe was black and shimmery, with silver cobwebs embroidered around the hem. I'd never worn it before; Mum was forever grousing that it was for "special occasions, like weddings and fancy parties." Honestly, how often did I go to weddings? I guess the Yule Ball counted as a fancy party. The robe was gorgeous -or at least it would've been on somebody who was gorgeous. I always thought it looked wrong on me. And there wasn't much I could do with my hair -it was too short- so I left it down (By coincidence, Severus and I had the same shoulder-length, straight haircut.).
He was waiting for me in the Common Room, nervously tugging on the sleeves of his black robe. It was silk, his robe, with a sort of priest-like collar, and it was kind of plain. But he looked good in it. Very good. It made him look dark and dangerous -very mysterious- and that was how I liked him.
The first, second and third years that had not been invited to go were eying us curiously. They'd never seen us so chummy with one another, not even when we sat in front of the fire doing homework together. I wondered what they thought of us -Severus and I- and was sure it'd be some big scandal by the next morning.
He smiled, looking relieved, when I appeared in the doorway. He still looked very nervous -his face was unusually white- but his black eyes glittered with excitement that perhaps, just perhaps, we'd have a good time.
We stepped out of the secret door together and made our way to the Great Hall. Laurel was there with Sirius, and Remus with Nikki. James Potter had Lily Evans at his side (no surprise there -they'd been going together for the past three years.). Severus and Sirius eyed each other warily as Laurel and I said "Hullo" and looked aver one another's robes. Laurel looked stunning in red velour with gold trim and any one would've thought she belonged in Gryffindor.
"Shelly! Hey, Shelly! I thought you weren't coming!" My fourteen-year-old brother, Michael, was pushing his way through the crowd towards us, his girlfriend Katie trailing behind him. "Changed my mind, Mikey." I told him. He looked at Severus and smiled wickedly. "Changed his mind too, didn't you?" He said slyly. Katie tugged his sleeve, "Come on, Michael. Leave them alone." She said. "You're no fun sometimes." He pouted. But the two of 'em disappeared off into the crowd.
I looked up at Severus. He smiled weakly, but he looked almost frightened. "There's still time. We can go back..." He began. Almost instantly, my eyes began to tear up. This was the only chance we'd have. There'd be no Yule Ball the next Christmas. We'd graduate the next spring, I'd go back to New York, he'd stay in Britain, and we'd never see each other again. "...If it means that much to you..." He trailed off and I nodded. What I wanted to say was: "It's not this. It's you that means a lot to me."
He took me by the arm and led me into the Hall. That was when I began to feel extremely nervous. I felt like my lunch was doing summer-saults in my stomach. But I smiled and pretended it didn't bother me that about a million people were staring at us. I don't suppose any one would've ever expected either us to come. I was quiet and shy around crowds and Severus prefered books and homework to people. Both of us were socially awkward and we were not popular among our classmates.
Nikki didn't seem too impressed by us. "Both of them look like they're going to a funeral." She said, "God, Remus, they're so morbid. It's hard to believe she and Michael are even related." Remus didn't say anything one way or another. That bothered me. I'd always thought of us as sort of aquaintances. It hurt that he didn't defend me. "Does she think she's pretty?" Nikki went on, "Does she thinks she belongs here with us? Look at her," I heard her say, "Trying to look good. She's too fat to wear that. She looks horrible."
I sniffled a little. My eyes were clouded with tears. How dare she say that? What had I ever done to her? Nothing. I didn't even know her. But right then, I learned the truth. People judge you based on what they hear, they don't bother to know you. They make assumptions and go with that.
"And him," She went on, "He looks like he's never even washed his hair. He's so scrubby. Why would she even want to touch him?" Finally, Remus said something. "Hush, Nikki. That's enough. We came here to have a good time, not insult the nasty Slytherins."
Anger rose inside me. Never again would I think of Remus Lupin as any sort of friend. The little crush died instantly. I had no friends besides Severus. I knew it then. Laurel and Sirius were laughing at what Remus had said. I felt cold, numb, empty. Severus slid his hand into mine. I looked at him. He looked very angry. "Don't listen to any of that, Shelly. They don't know you. And you don't need friends like that. A crush on Remus Lupin...waste of time." I tried to smile, but found it very hard. "Were you jealous when I said I had a crush on him?" His eyes burned into mine. "What do you think?" He asked. "I think you were." A smile came that time, 'But I don't like him any more."
We sat down together; had a bit to eat. The Christmas Feasts were usually the best, but that year's was spectacular. It'd been a long time since the last Yule Ball and the House Elves had really outdone themselves.
Then he casually asked me if, as he suspected, I wanted to dance. That kind of surprised me. I didn't think he'd want to. I knew how to dance. I wasn't very good at it, but I knew how. Mum was the only witch in her family. I'd been to lots of Muggle parites which involved dancing. But something held me back. I shook my head. "Maybe later." He looked relieved. God, we were both sixteen and we didn't know what the Hell we were doing. That wasn't right. I felt so confused and vulnerable.
Eventually, we did wind up dancing. And I felt like I was in Seventh Heaven. I wrapped my arms around him, burried my face in his shoulder. He'd held me close to him and I could feel his heart beating. He was scared. He was nervous. He didn't know what to do. But then again, neither did I. All I knew was how I felt -so in love that I could die and be happy about it. And it felt very good. I looked up at him wordlessly. He looked very relaxed, almost content. His dark eyes were closed, a small smile was on his face. His eyes opened and blazed into mine. We drew closer and closer, our noses were nearly touching. Right at that exact moment, the rain could've been falling where ever the Hell it wanted to, the wind blowing where it damn well pleased. People tell me "everything on Earth moves somewhere," but I swear to God that time stood still.
Our lips met only for a few lingering seconds, but that was all it took for the moment to burn itself into my brain. As we pulled away from one another, he looked at me in wonder. Please understand, my eyes must've been begging, that I love you. Understand what I cannot say. What I am too afraid to say. He took my face in his hands. Stared into my eyes. Then he wrapped his arms back around me. I once again rested my head on his shoulder. He made no objections, just smiled down at me. Neither of us gave heed to anything,. We were caught up in some fantastic reverie.
We didn't see Professor McGonagall talking to our Head of House, Scythrop Southby. She must've been telling him about her finding us in a classroom together. It didn't surprise me that she was muddled by it. She'd been right. We weren't the kind of people who'd sit in empty classrooms together. Neither of us noticed when Michael and Katie scampered off together to make out. Or noticed Nikki and her friends whispering about our moment's embrace. Or that James and Sirius were staring at us, dumbstruck at the idea that either one of us had feelings or emotions. But they managed to recover from their stupor long enough to ruin it.
"God, let's see a little breathing space between you." Sirius' malicious voice unfogged our brains, sent us crashing back to Earth. James was making gagging noises. "Sirius, I can't look! Not after I just ate! God, Sirius, avert your eyes!" Insane giggling from all around us. They were laughing at us, their whole gang. Laughing!
I felt a strange tickle in the back of my throat. Tears sprang to my eyes. "Why?" I whispered, "WHY?" Nothing more. That was all I could say. I'd actually thought we'd have fun. Wrong again.
Severus released me from his grasp. He looked ready to strangle them both. Never mind the curses, he wanted to physically hurt them. His fists clenched, a vein in his temple throbbed and his face reddened. A few tears slid down my face. I didn't want this. I had dreams about the gentle boy who'd just been holding me in his arms. But this...it was a nightmare.
It was Lily Evans who stopped Severus from killing either of the other two boys. She stepped between them, pushing them away from one another. "Severus, killing James or Sirius won't make it any better." She said calmly. He glared at her, his arms folded. "It'll make me feel a Hell of a lot better." She smiled wanly. "I can't defend it, what they did. Not at all. But Severus, don't you think there are things more important than beating James to a pulp?" She questioned. "Like what?" He asked suspiciously. She pointed at me where I stood sobbing miserably.
His mouth fell open. In his rage, he'd forgotten all about me. And there I was, looking very pathetic, tears running down my face. "Are you okay, Shelly? Do you want to go?" I looked at him mournfully. "When darkness comes," I whispered, "And pain is all around, there's only one place I want to be." He stepped forward. "Where's that?" It was just me and him again, just us, and the lingering bit of that reverie. "I...I want to be safe in the arms of love..." I stammered. He drew me wordlessly back into the embrace, allowing me to cry into the front of his robe. His hand brushed away the tears from my face when I looked up at him. Our faces were once again inches apart. I closed my eyes. Felt him warm and near. My tears were drying up. Love of my life! He was holding me, protecting me. Like I'd wanted.
Nikki was perplexed. "Why would she do that? I just don't understand. She could do so much better." She had a very closed heart and mind. "Shelly has dreams," Lily said quietly, "Just like you or I. Her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she is loved. You can't help who you love, Nikki. Just like you can't help who you don't love. She doesn't choose to love him. She just does. And that is love. You think it didn't cross either of their minds that some cruel, selfish person would ruin the evening for them? You think neither of them expected this? Well, they did. They knew it was coming, because no one likes them. And they still came. Don't you understand? They did this for each other. They knew everything was on the line. And they danced anyway..." Lily was trying her best to articulate how the situation made her feel. She wasn't sure how to put it into words. But she tried.
I looked back at them all. "Why?" I asked again, "Why'd you do that? Do you know how far we've traveled for a place to heal our hearts? I've watched it unravel for both of us. We just want to put it back together; to get on with life. And tonight, it seems that living is the hardest part. You couldn't let us alone, could you?" I couldn't look at them, my eyes were on the floor. I was afraid I'd kill them all if I looked up. "We wanted to feel normal; to feel like every one else and have a good time. Any of you were the last things on our minds. But you," I looked up at James and Sirius. Then at Nikki. Remus. Laurel. I took in the faces of all those who had hurt me, one at a time; looked at them silently, "Couldn't let go of that hatred, that fear, for one night." Severus kept his arms around me, letting me know that he was there with me, that he backed me up one hundred percent. Never had I seen him so serious, so grave, so concerned about anything. He stared at them all through those black eyes, daring them to say anything more.
Feet shuffled. Heads bowed. Mutters of "I'm sorry" could be heard. Looks of frustration. They'd really hurt us. This wasn't just an innocent prank. This was something that had hurt us bad. They hadn't expected us to take it so badly. And they didn't know what to say. None of them had before ever apologized to Severus for anything they'd done to him. They'd never thought it mattered.
I recall exactly what happened next. As they trooped away together, he looked down at me and smiled. His hand was under my chin, tilting my face upward. There was that look in his eyes, that forbidden smile on his pale face. We kissed once for the good times. Twice for the bad. And those words that neither of us could speak were all around us. I love you. We just couldn't say it. But it was there. They say living might mean taking chances, but they're worth taking. Loving might be a mistake, but it's worth making. We took plenty of chances, but no mistakes were made that night. Not by either of us.
I've heard that life's a dance you learn as you go. Sometimes you lead. Sometimes you follow. If you do the steps wrong, you learn from it and try again. If you get hurt, you give it time to heal. But you always get up again. When you've got the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance. I hope You dance. We had the choice. We knew the risks. Both of us had flirted with contempt before. Both of us had danced that deadly waltz. We knew the night might have ended in tears. And we danced any way.
@}--,--'---
For life's dance, there are no lessons. You go with what you know and make the best of it. You can't pay some one to teach you the right steps, or set it to certain music. It may be hard. It may come easy. But if you take that chance, you'll learn to dance the dance. How many times do you need to hear it? I hope you dance. We took that advice to heart. We tried our hardest to get it right. Some people just aren't meant to dance. We were some of them. But there will come a time when we do get it right and we will dance amid the lights of Heaven where the steps will be correct, no matter how you do them. @}--,--'---