Somewhere Out There

Chapter Five - Xaphania

A/N: Thanks for the reviews. :)

"WILL!"

Lyra's voice echoed in Will's mind, as if haunting him, mocking the fact that the person running towards the window had been Lyra, and he had closed the window just before seeing her…

Kirjava was shivering in a corner, huddled as far away as she could from everything, as if she were frightened for her life; and as Will knew, she was.

Mary was on the sofa with her bird dæmon perched on her lap as she wept, and Will wished he had the strength to cry with her. But his heart had broken so quickly in that last second that he closed the window, and he had received such a shock, that he felt as though all the strength had been drained from him, and he wasn't able to drop a single tear.

"Well…" he said softly, and that was the last thing he remembered before he collapsed, unconscious, on the floor.

The Master of Jordan College had known Lyra for practically her whole life, and on several occasions he saw her cry before she gave it up all together; but never had he heard her cry before like he did that night, never had he even heard a sound to heartrending and passionate.

"Shh, Lyra," he said quietly, cradling the grown woman. "Tell me what happened."

"P-Pan and I had a horrible dream tonight. We dreamt that W-Will's knife was working, only it wasn't whole again! He used only the tip! W-well, we came for a walk and stopped in the garden…"

She sobbed again, and her body shook vehemently.

"Go on, dear."

Lyra took a deep breath and started again. "And that's when I think Pan saw it." Her eyes darted around the room, but she knew Pan wasn't in there. He had fled. He was somewhere nearby, she could feel it, but he was so frightened and inconsolable and miserable…

"Saw what?"

"T-the window. There was a window, right there! Oh, I never thought I'd see one again, but it was there in front of me… And I saw Will! He was grown up like me, but I would recognize him anywhere. He's still as handsome as ever," she added quietly.

"And what next?"

"He was c-closing the window. I wanted to stop him, I wanted to see him only one more time. But he was closing it so fast, and when I called his name, I was only just too late…"

More crying and the Master felt his robe dampen with her tears. He was speechless. He knew how painful that night had been for her, and he had no words that could possibly even begin to bring her comfort.

"Well…" he said, just as Will had in his own world, and he said nothing else as Lyra continued to cry in his arms.

When Will woke up again, he found he was in the room he had slept in when he had lived with Mary. Turning over, he saw the other bed his mother had used, and he flinched at the thought of her; she had died three years before, and it was still a painful memory. But peering more closely, he noticed her bed was not empty…

"Xaphania?"

It was merely a guess, because it looked as though an angel were sitting on the bed, though it was near impossible to tell because the appearance was so slight and barely visible.

"Yes," a voice responded. Will's guess was right.

Will sat up in bed, half shocked, half happy, half terribly worried. "H-hello… what're you doing here?"

"I think you know."

Xaphania was completely impassive and Will couldn't tell what she was feeling, and that made him nervous.

"The knife?" he barely squeaked out.

"Yes. Last night you used the knife."

"I didn't do anything intentionally, honest. I-I was just seeing if it still worked… it was glowing and I knew that if it did work, I would have to find a way to destroy it completely."

"I know. And in that way you have gained much wisdom, Will, in a way you haven't even thought. But that is not the only reason I'm here."

She gave a moment for Will to contemplate what her purpose was but however much he tried, he couldn't think of any motive that would bring her there.

Will shrugged and Xaphania continued, "The last time we met, Lyra--" and she saw Will tremble at the mention of her name "--and you were just leaving childhood, and still had much to learn. Yet you were erudite in some ways, and you knew you had a duty to undertake. So now I must ask you this, Will: why haven't you begun?"

"Begun what?"

"Think. You know."

Kirjava jumped onto the bed at that moment and as she settled in Will's lap, he could feel she was still shaking from the previous night. The Republic of Heaven, she thought to him, understanding his confusion.

"Oh!" Will cried aloud. "The Republic of Heaven, of course…"

"Exactly. Lyra has already taken the first steps by trying to learn the alethiometer once again, and secretly spreading word that the Authority and his realm were overthrown, and that it was for the best. Now everyone in Lyra's world knows: that a new nation has to be built, and though several groups still disagree, most are her followers and have already begun. And what have you done?"

Will gulped and blushed deeply. He had worked hard for several years, though he was lost as to which direction he should start in. Mostly, he had read books on dominions, but even that came to a sudden stop after his mother died. When she passed on, he gave up the Republic of Heaven. It was as far away from him as Lyra was…

"N-nothing," he finally responded.

If Will could have seen Xaphania clearly at that moment, he would have saw that she were smiling, but he sensed it nevertheless, and furrowed his brows in confusion. "See, that is where you are wrong, Will. Last night you took great courage in opening a window. You knew the danger, the threat, it could bring if even one tiny splinter was made… You knew so much could be lost if you did, but you tried anyway. I admire you, William Parry, for the daring you showed."

This only confused Will more. He had known the risk, the peril he could be entering if he made a window, but he didn't think it had been so audacious as Xaphania was making it out to be…

"With that valor, you took the biggest step yet in producing the Republic of Heaven."

Will's jaw dropped. "H-how?"

"The knife is shattered, broken, we both know that. But what I did not know, and still have yet to understand, is why when you used the very tip of the destroyed knife that you opened a window: a window that did not liberate Dust, that did not create a Specter, and that helped in the development of your obligation."

Will and his dæmon's heart leapt so high that they both emitted tiny cries of joy and tears sprang into their eyes. Never, not once in Will's whole entire life, had he felt so happy.

"I know what you're thinking," said the angel quietly. "And I knew it would come to this. I wish I had more time to explain everything you should know, but I, too, have a task to partake in, so I'll leave you with this: even though you have the ability to see Lyra once again, that does not mean it is the right choice. Think carefully, Will, before you make an life altering decisions."

That fleeting moment when Will had felt exultant disappeared before he could even reach out and try to hold it close, and he felt robbed of something he had worked his whole life for. He opened his mouth to speak to Xaphania, but when he looked up he realized she was gone; there was no longer a hazy shimmer where she had once stood.

"What do you think she meant, Kirjava?" he asked softly.

Kirjava purred. "Xaphania was only pointing out that seeing Lyra might be too painful for the both of you, if things didn't work out in the end."

"Like not being able to make windows anymore?"

"Exactly. You would both be confined to your own worlds again, and the second time would be even more painful than the first."

"But you heard her!" he said desperately, meaning the angel. "She said that I made that window, and everything remained safe, nothing changed."

"It might not be like that forever. Maybe this is a brief to test your strength--if you give in and go to Lyra, you fail."

"It might not be," Will whispered, but that's all he said, and when Mary came in to check on him some five minutes later, she saw him and his dæmon were fast asleep.

A/N: I realized I hadn't mentioned the Republic of Heaven so I had to add that little bit in there. This chapter basically didn't go anywhere, just… did nothing. Yeah. I have the next part written already. When I think you've suffered enough, I'll put it up.