Draco Malfoy, Closet Case

After another few hours of (which included Hermione screaming, "Oh my God! This fic has Snape and me shagging on one of the Potions tables!", Harry asking "Who in the hell is Mary Sue?", Remus screeching, "Opium addict? I'm not an opium addict!" Snape yelling at the computer that his hair was quite sanitary, thank you very much, Ginny yelling, "I would not touch Draco Malfoy with a ten-foot broomstick! These people are sick!" Percy ranting, "Just because a person works hard to achieve does not make them a snob! And I NEVER slept with Oliver Wood.", Sirius saying in response, "Well, did you WANT to?" Percy saying that he did NOT, Sirius saying with a smirk on his face that he believed him, really, and Dumbledore trying to get everyone to shut up), we finally decided it was time to go to bed. Just as we were about to say good night and go upstairs (which Sirius and Remus looked very eager to do), I let out a yell.

"What?" asked Ron.

"Dobby! Someone go and get me Dobby!"

A few minutes later Dobby was brought to see us, wearing a pair of pinstriped trousers and a tuxedo shirt.

"All right, Dobby babe," I said. "I've simply got to know what you're blackmailing Malfoy with."

Dobby's eyes glinted with mischief. "Dobby has sworn not to tell, miss. But perhaps Wheezy could steal a certain book from Dobby's pocket and Dobby, being so little and powerless, could not stop him..."

"Accio Book!" yelled Ron. A leather-bound journal flew into his hands.

"Read it out loud," demanded George.

Ron sat in the most overstuffed armchair and opened the journal. We gathered around him.

"'The Secret Diary of Draco Malfoy'...oh, this ought to be quite interesting. 'I, Draco Malfoy, being of sound mind and body' oh, that's questionable 'hereby start this journal. Things I write in here are my most secret wants and desires, which I swear never to tell another living soul.

"' The moment I saw him at Madam Malkins', my heart skipped a beat. The emerald eyes, the ebony hair...he inflamed my LUST'!" Ron yelped. "Oh my God! Malfoy's GAY!"

"I did notice him staring at me in the men's lav during the trial," said Remus. "Don't even know what he was thinking while I was his teacher."

"Nor do I," said Sirius.

Ron continued, his mouth so wide it looked like it would break his face. "'Harry Potter. The boy who lived. An enemy of my father's, and yet I could not stop fantasizing about him. How I longed to sneak into the Gryffindor tower one night and get into his bed. In my fantasies...'" Ron was silent, a shocked look on his face.

"WHAT!" we all screamed, anxious to hear more (except for Harry).

"I can't read THIS!"

"Give it to me," demanded Sirius. He took Ron's place in the chair and read out loud from the book. We gaped.

"Oh my GOD!" said Ginny.

"Is that even physically possible?" asked George.

"Oh yeah," said Sirius and Remus in unison.

"A THONG?" exclaimed Neville.

"Dobby, how did you get this?" I asked.

"Dobby had to return to Malfoy Manor last year to retrieve some things he had forgotten, miss. When he returned home, he found this book among his things."

"Keep reading!" demanded Fred. "This has got to be one of the most bizarre things I've ever heard."

Sirius continued, "' And then there was the fantasy in which we ravished each other in the Chamber of Secrets.'" He stopped. "Okay, now I can't even read this."

"Pass it over," said Remus. They changed spots. Blushing like mad, Remus read the next paragraph.

"Oh SICK!" screamed Ron.

"That's the kinkiest thing I ever heard of," said Percy.

"What I'd like to know is how Malfoy learned a lubricating spell," said Hermione.

"It sounds positively painful," said Dumbledore.

There was frantic knocking from outside. "Let me in!" demanded a voice that would have been drawling if it hadn't been so frantic.

"Should we?" I asked.

"Sure," said Harry. "The password's Voldemort, Malfoy," he called. "Or should I say, 'Draco baby.'"

An extremely red-faced Malfoy burst in. "I'll have you know I didn't write ANY OF THAT!" he screamed.

"Oh, we're sure you didn't," said Fred, smirking.

"You people are sick!" Malfoy screeched. "I NEVER said I wanted to shag with Harry on the Quidditch field."

Remus grinned. "Then how did you know that part was in here?" he asked. "I haven't gotten that far yet."

Malfoy let out a mighty scream and stormed out.

There's more, of course. The story will never really be over.

Dumbledore became the new Minister of Magic and the first thing he did was to clear Sirius's name. Sirius is ecstatic, of course...and he and Remus are looking into adopting a child, besides Harry, who now lives with them.

Hermione and Ron are quite happy. I got an owl from them last week, and it sounds like it's true love.

Mr. Weasley loaned Fred and George one hundred Galleons to start their joke shop. They're opening as soon as they graduate and their mother is grateful that they finally have something productive to do with their talents.

Lucius Malfoy has the smallest cell in Azkaban, and he cleans the toilets every four days. Peter Pettigrew has gone mad...well, more mad than he already was. I don't consider cutting off parts of your body exactly the sanest thing to do. Macnair is mad too.

Percy wasn't thrilled about his new job, but he's getting along fine at it. Oliver Wood is going to be on the cover of next month's issue....Percy swears he had nothing to do with it.

Malfoy was expelled from Hogwarts on the grounds of "being an evil little git." I heard he's been stalking Daniel Radcliffe lately. And speaking of Daniel Radcliffe, Harry, Ron and Hermione are going to spy on the making of the third film.

Fudge and Narcissa Malfoy eloped, once her divorce was final. Though I hear she's having an affair with Snape...Rita Skeeter reported it in The All-Seeing Eye, the tabloid she began with Trelawney.

Hagrid is being privately tutored by McGonagall and is going to be allowed to use magic again. Moody took the Pensieve, and is keeping it in the safe place.

And as for me, well, I'm sorry the fifth book has taken so long. But I'm working hard, and the book of prophecies is helping me...I took it home. You can find disclaimers in all the newer editions of the Harry Potter books. That is, if you use a microscope.

THE END

Note: Some of this is very odd, given things that have happened since OotP. I decided to leave it all as it was in its original form and only correct spelling and punctuation problems.

On a more humorous note, I didn't ship Percy/Oliver while writing this fic, but I do now. I've also started shipping Rita/Sibyll since this fic. Maybe the last chapter expresses my subconscious interests...

Thanks for reading. grins