Title: Broken Promises and New Beginnings
Rating: I wish I knew. I am putting it at PG-13 just because I don't know any better and would rather err on the safe side.
Genre: Drama/Mild Angst
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story. They are, were and will always belong to Mr. George Lucas creator of an amazing universe. Not only does this story contain elements of the universe that Mr. Lucas created but also the Alternate Universe (AU) found in a wonderful story called An Untimely Frost by CYNICAL21. I thank Cynical21 for allowing me to reference her work. If you haven't read her story you are really missing out on a wonderful story.
Just to a little guide as to what things mean:
/-/ Bond thought //-// Private thought "-" Speaking aloud
**********************************************************************
Adi left the Dining Hall still overwhelmed by the story that other masters had relayed to her. It hadn't surprised her that Obi-Wan had exhibited such generosity towards the boy, but it had still touched her deeply that he had. His ability to put others before himself had always endeared him to her even from the time he had been a young padawan. It wasn't until he had grown into a man that she had started noticing the other qualities he possessed that were endearing as well. She smiled as she allowed her mind to linger on them.
Making her way down to the point of their earlier impact she noticed that Qui-Gon was sitting alone on a bench with his head in his hands. She wanted to walk past him and pretend that she hadn't seen him, but her responsibility as a Council Member pulled her up short.
"Qui-Gon?" She asked. "Are you alright?"
"Go away Adi." Keeping his head down his voice sounded slightly muffled.
"I can't do that Qui-Gon. Is there something that you need?" She sat next to him. " I mean besides the ability to turn back time and do things a bit differently."
He raised his head and regarded her unable to read her expression. She was struck by the expression of complete devastation on the man's face.
"What would you have me do differently?" He asked.
"It doesn't matter what I would have you do differently or even what Obi- Wan would have you do differently. The question is what would you do differently?" She was amazed as she felt her anger at this man easing slightly at the sight of him drowning in misery.
"I don't think I would have done anything differently concerning Anakin, but" he paused taking a shaky breath, "I would have certainly worked harder to spare Obi-Wan the pain my actions caused him." His voice was filled with emotion.
Adi was quiet. She decided he needed an opportunity to talk without being judged. Perhaps she could help him and Obi-Wan all at the same time.
"You know," He continued leaning back against the wall. "I love him. I really do. I always did. We had it tough in the beginning. I was so hurt after Xanatos, but even with all that pain there was something loveable about him. I didn't want to love him. I just honestly couldn't help it. He just gets under your skin."
"Yes," Adi teased playfully bumping his shoulder, " I know." She leaned back as well.
He laughed with her.
"Yes of course you do." He smiled but it faded quickly replaced by a look of pure grief and sorrow. "I hurt him." It was a confession. "I really hurt him."
She had neither the inclination nor the ability to grant absolution for the sin so she settled for remaining silent and nodding.
" I don't know how to take it away." He shook his head lost trying to solve a puzzle that seemed to have no solution.
"Well," Adi began staring down now at her feet her words measured, "Perhaps you can take it away in the same fashion in which you inflicted it." Qui- Gon studied her trying to reason out what she meant.
"I don't understand." He finally confessed.
"Exactly and that is why you hurt him." Adi smiled at him and laid a comforting hand upon his shoulder.
Qui-Gon narrowed his eyes as if he were seeing something for the first time. Quietly Adi rose and left him deep in thought.
****************************
Yoda had allowed the young knight time to gather his thoughts. He had been concerned when he had first detected the confrontation through their bond. He had known that it was inevitable that this moment would come, but had hoped that Obi-Wan would have had more time to heal his past wounds before confronting it.
It was just like his old padawan to push the young man before he was ready to discuss all that had happened. Qui-Gon had always put his needs before Obi-Wan's. He wanted a quick resolution so whether the other party was ready or mattered not. Qui-Gon's satisfaction was all that mattered.
Yoda took a deep breath centering himself. He could feel his own emotions rising and knew that this was the last thing that Obi-Wan needed to sense through their bond. Instead he sent the boy mental images of their fight against the Sith, the moment he had taken his treasured ginger braid, as well as how Obi-Wan had appeared in his last briefing before the Council. He sent the love and abiding faith he had in the young knight. He was then flooded with a return wave of affection. Yoda allowed it to soak in. Even in the midst of his struggle his young padawan was reaching out giving unselfishly to his Master. Yoda smiled as he watched the young man open his eyes rising out of his meditative state.
Even after an hour of meditation Obi-Wan still felt scattered. He had started to explain to Yoda about what had happened several times only to cut himself off each time with an exasperated sigh. Yoda patiently watched and listened to his youngest padawan as he tried to sort out feelings he should have dealt with months before.
He had known that Qui-Gon's return would be hard for the boy. He had anticipated this very scene. He had meditated upon it each morning since the Council had agreed to invite Qui-Gon back. After some time had passed Obi-Wan finally sat silently staring at this Master seeking direction.
"Help me Master." His voice sounded so young and lost. There was a deep sadness and longing that touched the Master to the depths of his heart.
"Help you I will. Problem I must know first." He smiled at Obi-Wan.
"I don't know how to sort any of this out." He made a wild gesture indicating everything in his heart and head.
"What questions do you ask yourself?" Yoda asked.
"Questions?" Obi-Wan sounded confused.
"In order to know the answer first know the question you must." His voice was kind. "When thinking on Qui-Gon what questions do you ask yourself?"
Obi-Wan nodded and began looking within seeking an answer to his Master's question. After several long moments he raised his eyes and met those of his Master.
"Why? I ask myself that question a lot. Why did he reject me? Why wasn't I good enough for him? Why couldn't he love me? Why can't he see what he has done? Why?" His eyes were shining with unshed tears by the time he had finished his list. His voice reflecting the pain he felt.
"Why. A question with no answer it is. Ask you a question I will." Obi- Wan sat up attentively.
"What would you have him do now? What is it that you need?" Yoda asked never taking his eyes from the boy.
Obi-Wan considered before he spoke. "I needed him to accept me and not to have rejected me. I needed him love me as I loved him. I needed him to praise me from time to time instead of always causing me to feel less than I was. I needed him to feel proud of me." He sounded angry but it was out of pain and not hatred so Yoda let it pass.
"Answered you did not my question Knight Kenobi. Told me you did what you needed as his padawan. The past is the past it can never be changed. I ask what you need from him now."
"I don't understand-" Obi-Wan shook his head.
"This is the question you must answer before seeking him out. He wants to put things right between you this I have sensed, but knows how to do this he does not. Only you can tell him what needs to be done to right the wrong you have suffered. Discover the answer to this and all will be well my Padawan."
"You make it sound so easy just like the first time you asked me to levitate a rock when I was an initiate. I almost passed out from exhaustion. " Obi-Wan and Yoda chuckled at the memory of that lesson.
"Easy it will not be, but impossible it is not. Ask what you need and he will comply. Perhaps ready to walk away from him you are." Yoda asked unsure of what the Knight's response would be.
The question seemed to catch him off guard. He wondered if Yoda had sensed the confusion within himself. He had already admitted to himself that over the past year he had missed Qui-Gon. He had longed for his presence in his mind once more, but then when he remembered all that the man had put him through he honestly never wanted to see the man again. It was this extreme conflict that confused him and filled him with doubt.
He felt as if he were sinking into an abyss. He felt as though he was betraying himself. How could he want to continue in what at times felt like an abusive relationship. Of course it hadn't always been that way. He remembered countless times that his Master had sat by his sick bed and nursed him back to health, numerous times that they had shared private jokes at negotiating tables, and infinite moments when he had seen real affection shining in Qui-Gon's deep blue eyes. He remembered the sincerity of the promise the man had made to him six years earlier. A promise broken in a heart beat.
"Hard to know what it is you want. Focus you must on what you need and not what you want." Yoda helped to clarify his thoughts bringing the real question to his mind.
Obi-Wan shuddered in his conflict. He knew in his heart that he needed Qui- Gon. He didn't need him as he once had. He had moved past the need for his praise and approval. He was not his padawan so he didn't need for him to serve as his mentor. He knew in his heart that he would always love Qui- Gon as surely as he knew that Qui-Gon wouldn't love him. It was painful but he no longer expected mutual affection. More than anything else he needed to forgive Qui-Gon and needed him to admit that he was in need of forgiveness.
He felt so tired. He never had realized how much all of this still weighed on him. It drained him of so much energy and happiness. He needed more meditation. He felt relieved to have a direction to focus on. He was certain that the Force would lead him to an answer. A part of him hoped that that would be some new sort of relationship with his ex-Master, but another part of him was already searching for a way to bury the memory of the man.
Feeling better centered he pulled himself from his thoughts and stared for a moment lovingly at his Master. Yoda appeared not to notice until he raised his stick to strike the young man. Obi-Wan snatched the stick before it could find its target. Smiling he returned it to his Master and rose to leave.
"Thank you Master. I feel much more centered now." Yoda smiled still gazing at his stick wondering how he had managed to lose his purchase on it so suddenly. Obi-Wan bowed and left.
**************************
He left Yoda's and began making his way to the Meditation Gardens. Waiting at the lifts he began taking deeper breaths in order to achieve the relaxation that would be necessary for the exercise. When the lift opened he was met by a very familiar face.
"Garen!" Obi-Wan exclaimed.
"Obi!" Garen charged towards his friend and grabbed him up into a warm embrace.
"How are you doing? It is so good to see you." He pulled back and took a long look at his friend. His face fell slightly realizing that the blue- green eyes looked troubled.
"I'm fine." Obi-Wan offered knowing from the expression on Garen's face that the knight wasn't buying a word of it.
"Hm--- Ok I am not going to push you right off the bat but we will talk about this." His face was filled with concern. Obi-Wan felt a heat rise up his neck under the intensity of his gaze.
"So where are you headed?" Garen asked ignoring his friend's discomfort.
"Meditation Gardens. Do you want to join me?" Obi-Wan asked summoning the lift again.
"No. I was just there. Ran into Master Gallia. She looked like she was waiting for someone. She was looking VERY NICE, do you know what I mean? Is she seeing someone? I was thinking maybe I would-" Garen stopped in mid-sentence as a look of horror drew itself on his friend's face.
"Garen what time is it?" Obi-Wan summoned the lift car once more.
"It's the third hour and you know it won't come any sooner no matter how many times you summon it. " He said playfully.
Obi-Wan sent him a mock irritated look and summoned the car once more staring at his friend as if challenging him to say something.
"What's up? You late for something?" Garen was amused at this new frantic Obi-Wan he saw before him.
"The answers to your questions are yes, yes and yes." Obi-Wan was certain that the lift had never taken this long before. He wished he had some sort of bond with Adi so that he could send his apology ahead of his actual appearance. It seemed safer than facing the beauty face to face an hour over due.
"What are you talking about?" Garen asked as the lift arrived.
Obi-Wan jumped on. "Yes I do know what you mean, yes she is seeing someone and yes I am late." The door closed on his final word.
Garen stared at the spot where his friend had just disappeared. So the rumors had been true. Obi-Wan and Adi Gallia
//Not too shabby knight boy // He thought amused at his friend's panicked state.
It would be nice to see Obi-Wan happy. Garen had also heard about Qui- Gon's return. He had yet to run into the man himself and had decided that that was probably a good thing for both of them.
Shaking his head he turned to make his way to his Master's quarters. He would never understand the Kenobi/Jinn connection. In his opinion it would be better for Obi-Wan if Jinn disappeared from the younger man's life. Garen thought that that was exactly what had happened when Jinn had been declared dead to the Order. The Force certainly had a strange way of working things out.
********************
The lift doors opened and Obi-Wan sprang out. Turning towards the Water Garden he moved swiftly but quietly so as not to disturb any of the individuals around him. The gardens were so peaceful and calming to the Jedi. He felt neither though as he rushed in search of Adi.
He cursed himself once again for forgetting. He had been a no show at lunch with Garen and now this. He had been surprised that Garen hadn't given him a hard time about it, but then again he hadn't really had the opportunity. They had only seen each other for a few seconds. Obi-Wan felt certain it would come up the next time they saw one another. He would make it up to him. Garen had been with him through his entire troubled relationship with Qui-Gon. Perhaps he would be a good person to talk to.
He moved past the pond following the stream as it wound through the floral garden. In the distance he could hear the soothing sound of the waterfall. He always loved meditating by it. As he came into the clearing he saw her. She was in a basic Jedi meditative stance. She looked beautiful. Obi-Wan's breath caught at the sight of her.
The reflection of the sunlight off of the water danced upon her dark skin and hair. She seemed bathed in light. He looked lovingly at her delicate features. Her high cheek bones, full lips, narrow chin. He had never looked at her this way. He'd never noticed how each feature worked to enhance the others bringing out their beauty as they complimented each other.
He watched the steady rise and fall of her chest then followed his gaze down to her hands which were resting upon her thighs. Her fingers were long and strong. They looked so gentle resting as they were, but he had seen those same hands wield a saber and knew how deadly they could be.
He thought about those hands and how they had felt on his body the night before and a shiver ran through him. His eyes traveled back up to her lips once more. He savored the memory of how soft they had felt when he had first kissed her and also how demanding they had been in the air cab last night. He was so caught up in recollecting the previous night that he hadn't noticed that her lovely blue eyes were now trained upon him. She was holding him in an equally loving gaze.
Quite suddenly he realized that she was now looking at him and he blushed slightly as he made his way over to her. He sat beside her neither having said a word. They gazed at each other a moment longer conveying so much more with their eyes than could ever be expressed in clumsy words. Finally reaching for her hand he brought it up to his lips and kissed it softly.
"I am so sorry I wasn't here." His voice was sweet and sincere. If she had been angry the soothing sound of his voice would have melted all of the anger away, but she had realized where he had been and understood.
"I am sorry that I left you alone with him." She took her hand from his mouth and cupped his check. He leaned into her touch relishing it.
"You aren't my defender." He said worry creasing his brow.
"Really? I am your friend which like it or not makes me your defender. It comes with the whole caring territory." She smiled.
"Friend? I was hoping we were becoming much more than friends." He gazed up at her shyly.
"Friend first and always but you have become much more to me than that." She leaned in and took his lips. It was a slow and gentle kiss. She was careful not to demand anything from the man. She merely longed to demonstrate the depth of her feelings for him.
Obi-Wan felt the warmth and emotion embodied in her soft full lips. He longed to pull her closer and take the kiss deeper but knew he wasn't in any emotional condition to do so. He didn't want to start something he wouldn't be able to finish. As she pulled back he knew that there were now tears in his eyes. He had never felt so loved in all of his life. He had no idea how to tell her all that he felt in his heart. He hoped that the unshed tears sparkling from the depths of her eyes were indicative that she knew and understood.
She held him then gathered him into a warm and safe embrace. He allowed it. He basked in it. She felt him relax as if a huge weight had been lifted. She pulled back and they changed positions to allow him to lay with his head in her lap. He gazed up at her as she ran her fingers soothingly through his hair.
"You're so beautiful." He whispered as he took her hand in his and brought in down to his mouth once more. "I don't know what I ever did without you." She knew that his words had alluded to more than mere physical beauty.
"Survived." She said smiling down at him. He nodded and closed his eyes. Taking a deep breath he shook his head slightly.
"Do you mind if I just bounce things off of you for a while?"
"Go right ahead. Would you prefer if I just kept my opinions to myself?" She returned to stroking his hair.
"I want your opinions but not your personal feelings about him ok?" He opened his eyes searching for a promise from her.
"Ok. Whenever you are ready. Just take your time." He closed his eyes and she saw him sink into the place within himself where so much had been hidden.
"Master Yoda told me that I had to decide if I needed Qui-Gon in my life anymore. Then if my conclusion is that I do need him then I must search for what it is that I need from him in order to reconcile our relationship." He paused for a long moment. " I don't think it can ever be reconciled. It can never be the way that it was."
"Before you jump to the reconciliation question shouldn't you consider Yoda's first question. Do you need Qui-Gon in your life?"
She was struggling to stay objective. She felt torn. She had seen the desolation in Qui-Gon's face that very afternoon. He would be broken if he knew Obi-Wan was lost to him. At the same time he had broken Obi-Wan how many times? She wanted to tell Obi-Wan what she had seen this afternoon but knew that he had to come to his own conclusion. He was too compassionate to separate his own needs from those of his ex-Master. He would once again put Qui-Gon first and then get hurt once more in the end. //No// she resolved // I won't tell him. Not yet. Not until he decides. //
"Well actually I have sorted that bit out already. I do need him but not in the same way I did before. When I was a padawan I looked to him for everything. He was my world. " His lower lip trembled a bit and she could tell he was struggling to push through the pain of the older man's rejection.
"Masters tend to be that to their padawans." She softly comforted.
"It was wonderful when he returned the feelings but there were just so many years that he didn't. My love for him was unconditional but his for me-" His voice broke with emotion.
"Was conditional?" Adi finished for him and he nodded.
"It was all about performance and not disappointing. I turned myself inside out for him but it was never enough." His sadness replaced with anger. Adi took this for a good sign.
"Are you sure that his love was conditional? You know I don't want to defend the man but he had come through a really rough time with -"
"Xanatos." He said the name bitterly. "I am so sick and tired of that one terrible moment being an excuse for the way he chose to treat me. I have been understanding and supportive. I have been apologetic and reassuring. But I can't make it go away for him and it doesn't excuse what he did to me." Adi was impressed. A year ago Obi-Wan would have been defending the man. Now he was honestly considering making him accountable. She smiled down at him pride shining in her eyes.
"What?" He asked when he looked up at her.
"Sounds like you have finally decided you are worth fighting for. Good for you Obi. I think you are right. He needs to be accountable."
He blushed and reached for her hand that had been in his hair. Taking it he squeezed it gently and then held it in her lap beside his head.
"You know I think you just answered my question. I need for him to be accountable. I need for him to stand before me and be willing to accept that we are never going to be the way we once were and HE is the one that is responsible for that." He seemed more peaceful. He sat up and drew her into his arms.
"Do you think I am crazy for needing him still?" His words were barely audible as he pulled back something akin to doubt in his eyes.
"No. I don't think that you are crazy. I think you are very forgiving and actually maybe too forgiving." She whispered back placing her forehead to his.
"Is there such a thing?" He loved it when they were together like this.
"I'm not sure. I just hope you aren't the one who finds out. I don't want him to hurt you again." Keeping her head on his she brought her hands up to cup his face.
"I don't either." He laughed but there was no humor in it.
"Do you think I am masochistic?" There was something playful but honest in his inquiry.
"I don't know, but I was hoping to find out soon enough." They laughed together and pulled back.
"Thanks Adi." He lowered his lips to hers and kissed her softly.
She shrugged and kissed him back.
"No really. Thank you for loving me and accepting me. I haven't had a lot of that you know?" She could tell he was revealing something to her that he had never shown to another. It was an admission made in utter trust. It shook her to her core that he would have such faith in her.
"Obi-Wan if for one moment you could see what everyone else sees when they look at you, you would understand how much you are truly loved and accepted by so many around you." She shook her head.
"I don't care about them." He motioned to indicate the rest of the Temple. "I just care about you."
"I love you." She said gazing into the sparkling green eyes embodying so much strength and light.
He sighed allowing her words to wash over him. He closed his eyes and reveled in the pure joy of gift she had just given to him. Opening his eyes he looked deep into her strikingly blue gaze.
"I love you too." He smiled gathering her into his arms holding her tight. He never wanted to let go. This was the moment he wanted to live in. His ex-Master's teaching coming to him in a new way.
"Obi-Wan?" She asked her breath warm against his neck.
"Yes?" He replied teasingly.
"I have a class I have to teach in less than an hour."
"Will they come here so that you can teach it and stay in my arms?" He asked with mock seriousness.
"I am afraid not." She pulled back sighing sadly at the break in contact.
"Fear not for fear leads to anger-" He chided good naturedly. She laughed an punched him playfully in the arm.
"Yeah yeah I think I have heard that one before somewhere." She chided. They both laughed. He got to his feet and taking her hands pulled her up beside him.
"Can I see you later?" He asked. She leaned up taking his mouth in hers. The gentle soft kisses replaced by heated penetration as he felt her tongue push past his lips and claim his mouth fully. He moaned and tightened his grip on her back pulling her closer as he plunged deeper into her mouth in return. When she pulled back they were both breathless.
"Was that a yes?" He furrowed his brow. She smiled at him and shook her head. Taking his hand they made their way out of the Water Garden together.
************************************************************************
Ok guys so we are to the point where I really need someone to give me some insight into the rating system. I am not sure what makes something PG 13 or R. Help? Thanks for the reviews. I am going to do a little dance when I hit 100. Wish ya'll could be here to see it. I am sure it will be quite amusing. Hee hee.
Rating: I wish I knew. I am putting it at PG-13 just because I don't know any better and would rather err on the safe side.
Genre: Drama/Mild Angst
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story. They are, were and will always belong to Mr. George Lucas creator of an amazing universe. Not only does this story contain elements of the universe that Mr. Lucas created but also the Alternate Universe (AU) found in a wonderful story called An Untimely Frost by CYNICAL21. I thank Cynical21 for allowing me to reference her work. If you haven't read her story you are really missing out on a wonderful story.
Just to a little guide as to what things mean:
/-/ Bond thought //-// Private thought "-" Speaking aloud
**********************************************************************
Adi left the Dining Hall still overwhelmed by the story that other masters had relayed to her. It hadn't surprised her that Obi-Wan had exhibited such generosity towards the boy, but it had still touched her deeply that he had. His ability to put others before himself had always endeared him to her even from the time he had been a young padawan. It wasn't until he had grown into a man that she had started noticing the other qualities he possessed that were endearing as well. She smiled as she allowed her mind to linger on them.
Making her way down to the point of their earlier impact she noticed that Qui-Gon was sitting alone on a bench with his head in his hands. She wanted to walk past him and pretend that she hadn't seen him, but her responsibility as a Council Member pulled her up short.
"Qui-Gon?" She asked. "Are you alright?"
"Go away Adi." Keeping his head down his voice sounded slightly muffled.
"I can't do that Qui-Gon. Is there something that you need?" She sat next to him. " I mean besides the ability to turn back time and do things a bit differently."
He raised his head and regarded her unable to read her expression. She was struck by the expression of complete devastation on the man's face.
"What would you have me do differently?" He asked.
"It doesn't matter what I would have you do differently or even what Obi- Wan would have you do differently. The question is what would you do differently?" She was amazed as she felt her anger at this man easing slightly at the sight of him drowning in misery.
"I don't think I would have done anything differently concerning Anakin, but" he paused taking a shaky breath, "I would have certainly worked harder to spare Obi-Wan the pain my actions caused him." His voice was filled with emotion.
Adi was quiet. She decided he needed an opportunity to talk without being judged. Perhaps she could help him and Obi-Wan all at the same time.
"You know," He continued leaning back against the wall. "I love him. I really do. I always did. We had it tough in the beginning. I was so hurt after Xanatos, but even with all that pain there was something loveable about him. I didn't want to love him. I just honestly couldn't help it. He just gets under your skin."
"Yes," Adi teased playfully bumping his shoulder, " I know." She leaned back as well.
He laughed with her.
"Yes of course you do." He smiled but it faded quickly replaced by a look of pure grief and sorrow. "I hurt him." It was a confession. "I really hurt him."
She had neither the inclination nor the ability to grant absolution for the sin so she settled for remaining silent and nodding.
" I don't know how to take it away." He shook his head lost trying to solve a puzzle that seemed to have no solution.
"Well," Adi began staring down now at her feet her words measured, "Perhaps you can take it away in the same fashion in which you inflicted it." Qui- Gon studied her trying to reason out what she meant.
"I don't understand." He finally confessed.
"Exactly and that is why you hurt him." Adi smiled at him and laid a comforting hand upon his shoulder.
Qui-Gon narrowed his eyes as if he were seeing something for the first time. Quietly Adi rose and left him deep in thought.
****************************
Yoda had allowed the young knight time to gather his thoughts. He had been concerned when he had first detected the confrontation through their bond. He had known that it was inevitable that this moment would come, but had hoped that Obi-Wan would have had more time to heal his past wounds before confronting it.
It was just like his old padawan to push the young man before he was ready to discuss all that had happened. Qui-Gon had always put his needs before Obi-Wan's. He wanted a quick resolution so whether the other party was ready or mattered not. Qui-Gon's satisfaction was all that mattered.
Yoda took a deep breath centering himself. He could feel his own emotions rising and knew that this was the last thing that Obi-Wan needed to sense through their bond. Instead he sent the boy mental images of their fight against the Sith, the moment he had taken his treasured ginger braid, as well as how Obi-Wan had appeared in his last briefing before the Council. He sent the love and abiding faith he had in the young knight. He was then flooded with a return wave of affection. Yoda allowed it to soak in. Even in the midst of his struggle his young padawan was reaching out giving unselfishly to his Master. Yoda smiled as he watched the young man open his eyes rising out of his meditative state.
Even after an hour of meditation Obi-Wan still felt scattered. He had started to explain to Yoda about what had happened several times only to cut himself off each time with an exasperated sigh. Yoda patiently watched and listened to his youngest padawan as he tried to sort out feelings he should have dealt with months before.
He had known that Qui-Gon's return would be hard for the boy. He had anticipated this very scene. He had meditated upon it each morning since the Council had agreed to invite Qui-Gon back. After some time had passed Obi-Wan finally sat silently staring at this Master seeking direction.
"Help me Master." His voice sounded so young and lost. There was a deep sadness and longing that touched the Master to the depths of his heart.
"Help you I will. Problem I must know first." He smiled at Obi-Wan.
"I don't know how to sort any of this out." He made a wild gesture indicating everything in his heart and head.
"What questions do you ask yourself?" Yoda asked.
"Questions?" Obi-Wan sounded confused.
"In order to know the answer first know the question you must." His voice was kind. "When thinking on Qui-Gon what questions do you ask yourself?"
Obi-Wan nodded and began looking within seeking an answer to his Master's question. After several long moments he raised his eyes and met those of his Master.
"Why? I ask myself that question a lot. Why did he reject me? Why wasn't I good enough for him? Why couldn't he love me? Why can't he see what he has done? Why?" His eyes were shining with unshed tears by the time he had finished his list. His voice reflecting the pain he felt.
"Why. A question with no answer it is. Ask you a question I will." Obi- Wan sat up attentively.
"What would you have him do now? What is it that you need?" Yoda asked never taking his eyes from the boy.
Obi-Wan considered before he spoke. "I needed him to accept me and not to have rejected me. I needed him love me as I loved him. I needed him to praise me from time to time instead of always causing me to feel less than I was. I needed him to feel proud of me." He sounded angry but it was out of pain and not hatred so Yoda let it pass.
"Answered you did not my question Knight Kenobi. Told me you did what you needed as his padawan. The past is the past it can never be changed. I ask what you need from him now."
"I don't understand-" Obi-Wan shook his head.
"This is the question you must answer before seeking him out. He wants to put things right between you this I have sensed, but knows how to do this he does not. Only you can tell him what needs to be done to right the wrong you have suffered. Discover the answer to this and all will be well my Padawan."
"You make it sound so easy just like the first time you asked me to levitate a rock when I was an initiate. I almost passed out from exhaustion. " Obi-Wan and Yoda chuckled at the memory of that lesson.
"Easy it will not be, but impossible it is not. Ask what you need and he will comply. Perhaps ready to walk away from him you are." Yoda asked unsure of what the Knight's response would be.
The question seemed to catch him off guard. He wondered if Yoda had sensed the confusion within himself. He had already admitted to himself that over the past year he had missed Qui-Gon. He had longed for his presence in his mind once more, but then when he remembered all that the man had put him through he honestly never wanted to see the man again. It was this extreme conflict that confused him and filled him with doubt.
He felt as if he were sinking into an abyss. He felt as though he was betraying himself. How could he want to continue in what at times felt like an abusive relationship. Of course it hadn't always been that way. He remembered countless times that his Master had sat by his sick bed and nursed him back to health, numerous times that they had shared private jokes at negotiating tables, and infinite moments when he had seen real affection shining in Qui-Gon's deep blue eyes. He remembered the sincerity of the promise the man had made to him six years earlier. A promise broken in a heart beat.
"Hard to know what it is you want. Focus you must on what you need and not what you want." Yoda helped to clarify his thoughts bringing the real question to his mind.
Obi-Wan shuddered in his conflict. He knew in his heart that he needed Qui- Gon. He didn't need him as he once had. He had moved past the need for his praise and approval. He was not his padawan so he didn't need for him to serve as his mentor. He knew in his heart that he would always love Qui- Gon as surely as he knew that Qui-Gon wouldn't love him. It was painful but he no longer expected mutual affection. More than anything else he needed to forgive Qui-Gon and needed him to admit that he was in need of forgiveness.
He felt so tired. He never had realized how much all of this still weighed on him. It drained him of so much energy and happiness. He needed more meditation. He felt relieved to have a direction to focus on. He was certain that the Force would lead him to an answer. A part of him hoped that that would be some new sort of relationship with his ex-Master, but another part of him was already searching for a way to bury the memory of the man.
Feeling better centered he pulled himself from his thoughts and stared for a moment lovingly at his Master. Yoda appeared not to notice until he raised his stick to strike the young man. Obi-Wan snatched the stick before it could find its target. Smiling he returned it to his Master and rose to leave.
"Thank you Master. I feel much more centered now." Yoda smiled still gazing at his stick wondering how he had managed to lose his purchase on it so suddenly. Obi-Wan bowed and left.
**************************
He left Yoda's and began making his way to the Meditation Gardens. Waiting at the lifts he began taking deeper breaths in order to achieve the relaxation that would be necessary for the exercise. When the lift opened he was met by a very familiar face.
"Garen!" Obi-Wan exclaimed.
"Obi!" Garen charged towards his friend and grabbed him up into a warm embrace.
"How are you doing? It is so good to see you." He pulled back and took a long look at his friend. His face fell slightly realizing that the blue- green eyes looked troubled.
"I'm fine." Obi-Wan offered knowing from the expression on Garen's face that the knight wasn't buying a word of it.
"Hm--- Ok I am not going to push you right off the bat but we will talk about this." His face was filled with concern. Obi-Wan felt a heat rise up his neck under the intensity of his gaze.
"So where are you headed?" Garen asked ignoring his friend's discomfort.
"Meditation Gardens. Do you want to join me?" Obi-Wan asked summoning the lift again.
"No. I was just there. Ran into Master Gallia. She looked like she was waiting for someone. She was looking VERY NICE, do you know what I mean? Is she seeing someone? I was thinking maybe I would-" Garen stopped in mid-sentence as a look of horror drew itself on his friend's face.
"Garen what time is it?" Obi-Wan summoned the lift car once more.
"It's the third hour and you know it won't come any sooner no matter how many times you summon it. " He said playfully.
Obi-Wan sent him a mock irritated look and summoned the car once more staring at his friend as if challenging him to say something.
"What's up? You late for something?" Garen was amused at this new frantic Obi-Wan he saw before him.
"The answers to your questions are yes, yes and yes." Obi-Wan was certain that the lift had never taken this long before. He wished he had some sort of bond with Adi so that he could send his apology ahead of his actual appearance. It seemed safer than facing the beauty face to face an hour over due.
"What are you talking about?" Garen asked as the lift arrived.
Obi-Wan jumped on. "Yes I do know what you mean, yes she is seeing someone and yes I am late." The door closed on his final word.
Garen stared at the spot where his friend had just disappeared. So the rumors had been true. Obi-Wan and Adi Gallia
//Not too shabby knight boy // He thought amused at his friend's panicked state.
It would be nice to see Obi-Wan happy. Garen had also heard about Qui- Gon's return. He had yet to run into the man himself and had decided that that was probably a good thing for both of them.
Shaking his head he turned to make his way to his Master's quarters. He would never understand the Kenobi/Jinn connection. In his opinion it would be better for Obi-Wan if Jinn disappeared from the younger man's life. Garen thought that that was exactly what had happened when Jinn had been declared dead to the Order. The Force certainly had a strange way of working things out.
********************
The lift doors opened and Obi-Wan sprang out. Turning towards the Water Garden he moved swiftly but quietly so as not to disturb any of the individuals around him. The gardens were so peaceful and calming to the Jedi. He felt neither though as he rushed in search of Adi.
He cursed himself once again for forgetting. He had been a no show at lunch with Garen and now this. He had been surprised that Garen hadn't given him a hard time about it, but then again he hadn't really had the opportunity. They had only seen each other for a few seconds. Obi-Wan felt certain it would come up the next time they saw one another. He would make it up to him. Garen had been with him through his entire troubled relationship with Qui-Gon. Perhaps he would be a good person to talk to.
He moved past the pond following the stream as it wound through the floral garden. In the distance he could hear the soothing sound of the waterfall. He always loved meditating by it. As he came into the clearing he saw her. She was in a basic Jedi meditative stance. She looked beautiful. Obi-Wan's breath caught at the sight of her.
The reflection of the sunlight off of the water danced upon her dark skin and hair. She seemed bathed in light. He looked lovingly at her delicate features. Her high cheek bones, full lips, narrow chin. He had never looked at her this way. He'd never noticed how each feature worked to enhance the others bringing out their beauty as they complimented each other.
He watched the steady rise and fall of her chest then followed his gaze down to her hands which were resting upon her thighs. Her fingers were long and strong. They looked so gentle resting as they were, but he had seen those same hands wield a saber and knew how deadly they could be.
He thought about those hands and how they had felt on his body the night before and a shiver ran through him. His eyes traveled back up to her lips once more. He savored the memory of how soft they had felt when he had first kissed her and also how demanding they had been in the air cab last night. He was so caught up in recollecting the previous night that he hadn't noticed that her lovely blue eyes were now trained upon him. She was holding him in an equally loving gaze.
Quite suddenly he realized that she was now looking at him and he blushed slightly as he made his way over to her. He sat beside her neither having said a word. They gazed at each other a moment longer conveying so much more with their eyes than could ever be expressed in clumsy words. Finally reaching for her hand he brought it up to his lips and kissed it softly.
"I am so sorry I wasn't here." His voice was sweet and sincere. If she had been angry the soothing sound of his voice would have melted all of the anger away, but she had realized where he had been and understood.
"I am sorry that I left you alone with him." She took her hand from his mouth and cupped his check. He leaned into her touch relishing it.
"You aren't my defender." He said worry creasing his brow.
"Really? I am your friend which like it or not makes me your defender. It comes with the whole caring territory." She smiled.
"Friend? I was hoping we were becoming much more than friends." He gazed up at her shyly.
"Friend first and always but you have become much more to me than that." She leaned in and took his lips. It was a slow and gentle kiss. She was careful not to demand anything from the man. She merely longed to demonstrate the depth of her feelings for him.
Obi-Wan felt the warmth and emotion embodied in her soft full lips. He longed to pull her closer and take the kiss deeper but knew he wasn't in any emotional condition to do so. He didn't want to start something he wouldn't be able to finish. As she pulled back he knew that there were now tears in his eyes. He had never felt so loved in all of his life. He had no idea how to tell her all that he felt in his heart. He hoped that the unshed tears sparkling from the depths of her eyes were indicative that she knew and understood.
She held him then gathered him into a warm and safe embrace. He allowed it. He basked in it. She felt him relax as if a huge weight had been lifted. She pulled back and they changed positions to allow him to lay with his head in her lap. He gazed up at her as she ran her fingers soothingly through his hair.
"You're so beautiful." He whispered as he took her hand in his and brought in down to his mouth once more. "I don't know what I ever did without you." She knew that his words had alluded to more than mere physical beauty.
"Survived." She said smiling down at him. He nodded and closed his eyes. Taking a deep breath he shook his head slightly.
"Do you mind if I just bounce things off of you for a while?"
"Go right ahead. Would you prefer if I just kept my opinions to myself?" She returned to stroking his hair.
"I want your opinions but not your personal feelings about him ok?" He opened his eyes searching for a promise from her.
"Ok. Whenever you are ready. Just take your time." He closed his eyes and she saw him sink into the place within himself where so much had been hidden.
"Master Yoda told me that I had to decide if I needed Qui-Gon in my life anymore. Then if my conclusion is that I do need him then I must search for what it is that I need from him in order to reconcile our relationship." He paused for a long moment. " I don't think it can ever be reconciled. It can never be the way that it was."
"Before you jump to the reconciliation question shouldn't you consider Yoda's first question. Do you need Qui-Gon in your life?"
She was struggling to stay objective. She felt torn. She had seen the desolation in Qui-Gon's face that very afternoon. He would be broken if he knew Obi-Wan was lost to him. At the same time he had broken Obi-Wan how many times? She wanted to tell Obi-Wan what she had seen this afternoon but knew that he had to come to his own conclusion. He was too compassionate to separate his own needs from those of his ex-Master. He would once again put Qui-Gon first and then get hurt once more in the end. //No// she resolved // I won't tell him. Not yet. Not until he decides. //
"Well actually I have sorted that bit out already. I do need him but not in the same way I did before. When I was a padawan I looked to him for everything. He was my world. " His lower lip trembled a bit and she could tell he was struggling to push through the pain of the older man's rejection.
"Masters tend to be that to their padawans." She softly comforted.
"It was wonderful when he returned the feelings but there were just so many years that he didn't. My love for him was unconditional but his for me-" His voice broke with emotion.
"Was conditional?" Adi finished for him and he nodded.
"It was all about performance and not disappointing. I turned myself inside out for him but it was never enough." His sadness replaced with anger. Adi took this for a good sign.
"Are you sure that his love was conditional? You know I don't want to defend the man but he had come through a really rough time with -"
"Xanatos." He said the name bitterly. "I am so sick and tired of that one terrible moment being an excuse for the way he chose to treat me. I have been understanding and supportive. I have been apologetic and reassuring. But I can't make it go away for him and it doesn't excuse what he did to me." Adi was impressed. A year ago Obi-Wan would have been defending the man. Now he was honestly considering making him accountable. She smiled down at him pride shining in her eyes.
"What?" He asked when he looked up at her.
"Sounds like you have finally decided you are worth fighting for. Good for you Obi. I think you are right. He needs to be accountable."
He blushed and reached for her hand that had been in his hair. Taking it he squeezed it gently and then held it in her lap beside his head.
"You know I think you just answered my question. I need for him to be accountable. I need for him to stand before me and be willing to accept that we are never going to be the way we once were and HE is the one that is responsible for that." He seemed more peaceful. He sat up and drew her into his arms.
"Do you think I am crazy for needing him still?" His words were barely audible as he pulled back something akin to doubt in his eyes.
"No. I don't think that you are crazy. I think you are very forgiving and actually maybe too forgiving." She whispered back placing her forehead to his.
"Is there such a thing?" He loved it when they were together like this.
"I'm not sure. I just hope you aren't the one who finds out. I don't want him to hurt you again." Keeping her head on his she brought her hands up to cup his face.
"I don't either." He laughed but there was no humor in it.
"Do you think I am masochistic?" There was something playful but honest in his inquiry.
"I don't know, but I was hoping to find out soon enough." They laughed together and pulled back.
"Thanks Adi." He lowered his lips to hers and kissed her softly.
She shrugged and kissed him back.
"No really. Thank you for loving me and accepting me. I haven't had a lot of that you know?" She could tell he was revealing something to her that he had never shown to another. It was an admission made in utter trust. It shook her to her core that he would have such faith in her.
"Obi-Wan if for one moment you could see what everyone else sees when they look at you, you would understand how much you are truly loved and accepted by so many around you." She shook her head.
"I don't care about them." He motioned to indicate the rest of the Temple. "I just care about you."
"I love you." She said gazing into the sparkling green eyes embodying so much strength and light.
He sighed allowing her words to wash over him. He closed his eyes and reveled in the pure joy of gift she had just given to him. Opening his eyes he looked deep into her strikingly blue gaze.
"I love you too." He smiled gathering her into his arms holding her tight. He never wanted to let go. This was the moment he wanted to live in. His ex-Master's teaching coming to him in a new way.
"Obi-Wan?" She asked her breath warm against his neck.
"Yes?" He replied teasingly.
"I have a class I have to teach in less than an hour."
"Will they come here so that you can teach it and stay in my arms?" He asked with mock seriousness.
"I am afraid not." She pulled back sighing sadly at the break in contact.
"Fear not for fear leads to anger-" He chided good naturedly. She laughed an punched him playfully in the arm.
"Yeah yeah I think I have heard that one before somewhere." She chided. They both laughed. He got to his feet and taking her hands pulled her up beside him.
"Can I see you later?" He asked. She leaned up taking his mouth in hers. The gentle soft kisses replaced by heated penetration as he felt her tongue push past his lips and claim his mouth fully. He moaned and tightened his grip on her back pulling her closer as he plunged deeper into her mouth in return. When she pulled back they were both breathless.
"Was that a yes?" He furrowed his brow. She smiled at him and shook her head. Taking his hand they made their way out of the Water Garden together.
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Ok guys so we are to the point where I really need someone to give me some insight into the rating system. I am not sure what makes something PG 13 or R. Help? Thanks for the reviews. I am going to do a little dance when I hit 100. Wish ya'll could be here to see it. I am sure it will be quite amusing. Hee hee.