Title: Broken Promises and New Beginnings
Rating: I wish I knew. I am putting it at PG-13 just because I don't know any better and would rather err on the safe side.
Genre: Drama/Mild Angst
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story. They are, were and will always belong to Mr. George Lucas creator of an amazing universe. Not only does this story contain elements of the universe that Mr. Lucas created but also the Alternate Universe (AU) found in a wonderful story called An Untimely Frost by CYNICAL21. I thank Cynical21 for allowing me to reference her work. If you haven't read her story you are really missing out on a wonderful story.
Just to a little guide as to what things mean:
/-/ Bond thought //-// Private thought "-" Speaking aloud
**********************************************************************
Following the meal, Anakin generously offered to clean up the galley. This gave Obi-Wan the opportunity to duck back into the cockpit to insure that systems were still green lighted before settling in for evening meditations and some much needed rest. He had just begun a quick diagnostic on the navigational computer when he heard Qui-Gon behind him.
"Dinner was really good. I had forgotten what a good cook you were."
"It wasn't much but there is only so much you can do in a galley." Obi-Wan didn't look up hoping Qui-Gon would take the hint and leave. He felt too tired to get into any deep discussion. He knew that they would have to talk soon but tonight he was still struggling to reconcile himself with a broken and imperfect past. He didn't need it compounded with Qui-Gon's attempt to create a new future for them.
"Obi-Wan I really want to talk to you." Qui-Gon said softly lowering himself into the co-pilot's seat.
"Well we don't always get what we want." Obi-Wan said matter-of-factly.
Qui-Gon sighed. "Why do you have to make this so difficult?"
Obi-Wan looked away from the screen and stared in disbelief at the man beside him.
"I'm making this difficult? You- You do as you please, do what you want, and just because I don't bow before you with a polite 'Yes Master' you say I am being difficult? Why do you have to be so insistent that things happen as you want them? Why are YOU so difficult?" He hadn't meant to raise his voice but was sure that the end of his rant had more than likely reached Anakin.
Qui-Gon sat silently considering all that Obi-Wan had said. He involuntarily reached for the bond. He felt something but is was so muted it was more like a faint memory or a passing thought than any true connection.
"Don't do that." Obi-Wan demanded through gritted teeth.
"What?" Qui-Gon asked.
"Get out of my head. You gave up any right to be in my head the day you walked out of the Council Chambers and out of my life." There was so much pain in Obi-Wan's words Qui-Gon felt as if he were drowning in it for a moment. The thought of never feeling Obi-Wan's quick silver mind racing within his own broke something deep within the master.
"I never wanted to walk out on you. The boy had to be trained. There was no one else. He needed me." His tone was emphatic.
"He needed? He needed? What about me? What about what I needed? I needed you too. Didn't that matter? Didn't I matter?" He was yelling now and couldn't care less if the boy heard him or not. Anakin was Qui-Gon's concern not his.
"Stop being so childish and lower your voice." Qui-Gon's tone went to menacing," You were ready for the trials. From what I gathered you were knighted less than a month after my departure. You didn't NEED me. You WANTED me. Wants and needs are different." Qui-Gon's volume rose as well but didn't match that of the younger man. He was determined to remain somewhat in control of his emotions.
"How wise you are Master Jinn. " Obi-Wan had replaced his earlier volume with thick sarcasm. " You are correct wants and needs are different. I felt like I needed you but you are right I guess I didn't. After all Master Yoda did complete my training, took my braid, and pronounced me a knight of the order. Maybe I didn't NEED you, but I did WANT you. I wanted it to be you. I wanted you to complete what you started. I wanted you to take my braid. The braid that you first created on the day you took me as your Padawan, I wanted you to proclaim me a knight. I wanted YOU. You just NEVER WANTED me."
Obi-Wan pushed out of his chair to make his way out of the cockpit. He had no interest in Qui-Gon's response. Nothing could change the facts and the facts were that Qui-Gon had never wanted him and in the end had abandoned him.
Qui-Gon was on his feet with lightening speed his hand holding the knight in place.
"Release me." Obi-Wan's tone was threatening as he lifted his gaze to meet Qui-Gon's.
"Is that what you really think? That I never wanted you? " Qui-Gon's tone revealed his total disbelief. How could Obi-Wan think such a thing? They had had their rough spots but he had always been so proud of the young man standing before him.
Obi-Wan jerked his arm free. "No it isn't what I think. It is what I know. It is what I always felt. From the moment you doomed me to the Agri Corps of Bandomeer, to the moment Tahl was killed, from Xani to Ani, you never wanted me. I was a burden, a weight, a liability you couldn't wait to be rid of and now that you are finally and forever free of me I don't quite understand why you feel so compelled to get me back in your life. Then again you always had a soft spot for pathetic life forms." Not waiting for the master to respond Obi-Wan left.
Obi-Wan walked past the galley refusing to meet Anakin's gaze from the commons area as he made his way to his quarters. He needed to meditate. He needed to find his center. What he really needed was to be off of this ship and back at the Temple far away from his ex-master.
Once inside his quarters he stripped off his clothing and took a quick sonic in the fresher. It helped wash away the fatigue but the anger and despair remained. He had to find a way through all this pain. He had to emerge from it as he had during his meditation.
He heard Master Yoda's question in his head once more. He couldn't expect Qui-Gon to change the past. In the cockpit he had fallen into the trap of reliving the past. With renewed determination he pledged that he would not fall again. He knew what it was that he needed from Qui-Gon. He would find the courage to ask for it and the strength to accept the consequences if he needed more than the man was willing to give.
He tried several times to meditate but could never clear his mind of the heated exchange that he had had with Qui-Gon. He had been thoughtless arguing without any concern for Anakin. That was not like him to be so uncaring and selfish. He didn't like what this conflict was turning him into. He was determined to resolve this before he lost himself. He had come too far in the last year to succumb to the ghosts of his past.
******************
Anakin quietly made his way to the cockpit. He heard his Master sniff once and then realized that the older man was crying.
"Master?' he asked softly. "Are you ok?" He sat in the seat next to him and reached out taking the man's hand in his. He had never seen this side of his Master before. Even when they had been forced to leave the Temple his Master had always been strong.
Qui-Gon quickly wiped his face before turning to regard his student. "Yes Anakin I am fine. " He took a deep breath trying to reassure the boy.
"I heard the argument." It was more of an apology than a confession.
"Yes well Obi-Wan was never one to keep his opinion to himself. A skill he learned from his old master I assure you." Qui-Gon tried to joke but it fell flat.
"He shouldn't talk to you like that." Anakin's voice was fiercely protective. He had resented the knight's intrusion on their mission from the start. He had no intention of standing idly by while he abused his Master.
"Perhaps not Padawan, but there are things I have done to him that I should not have done as well." He turned and stared out at the void of space before them.
"Like what?" Anakin asked. They had seemed fine at lunch that day. Obi- Wan had seemed friendly enough. He had sensed some emotion during the discussion he had interrupted in the corridor, but Obi-Wan had seemed fine when he had left. His Master had seemed a mess and had continued to be one throughout the rest of the day.
"Did he hurt you this afternoon? What did he say?" Fierce loyalty fired through their bond. Qui-Gon smiled at the irony of it. He seemed to inspire loyalty in his padawans only to fail them in the end.
"No. We-"He stuttered trying to find the right words. "This is about something that happened a year ago. Actually it started long before that." He gazed back into the vastness of space as if staring back into time. "It started before he was my padawan and ended-well I guess it really hasn't ended yet. " The older man sighed world weary and wishing he knew what he could say to comfort the man.
Anakin nodded quietly and waited patiently.
Qui-Gon shook his head. "Anakin let me ask you something. How long have I been your master?"
"A year and a bit. Why? "Anakin asked pride evident in his voice.
"What if I walked in and told you that I had found another child that I wanted to take as my Padawan?" Qui-Gon searched the boy's eyes for a reaction. He found one immediately. Anakin felt a panic rise up within him.
"No Master. You can't do that can you? I mean you promised I would be a Jedi. You wouldn't really do that to me would you?" Anakin tightened his grip on his Master's hand, his voice barely above a whisper. He sounded so young and Qui-Gon was reminded of how truly young the boy was.
Anakin's mind raced. He knew that Qui-Gon had his faults but Master Jinn had believed in him. He had promised to make him a Jedi. If his Master walked away now what would happen to him? Would he be cast out? Anakin was flooded with fear and anger. Surely it wouldn't be Obi-Wan who would replace him he was already a knight, but who was it? Had his master found someone else to train or was this yet another test for the Chosen One? He tried to think about what the correct response would be, but found that the truth was all that he could manage at the moment. He felt his breath catch as his chest tightened in anxiety.
Qui-Gon soothed him. "No Anakin I would not do that to you. But if I did how would you feel?"
"Angry and..sad.afraid and well alone." Anakin replied after some thought. "Though I would try to release it all into the Force." The latter was stated in a rush just in case it had been a test.
"Angry at me?" Anakin nodded unsure of himself.
"Now imagine you had been my Padawan for twelve years as Obi-Wan had. We had been on many missions, worked through all the katas, shared every naming day and Temple celebration, and sparred to the peak of our ability then one day I suddenly cast you away. You on the verge of being knighted. You standing on the brink of seizing your destiny and I-" the man's voice broke off as he watched the realization crash in on Anakin for the first time. Qui-Gon's eyes filled to overflowing. He was unable to continue.
Anakin's stomach clutched into a knot. He had always known what had happened but somehow had never let it sink in. He had never allowed himself to dwell on what his gain had cost his master former padawan. He lowered his head and suddenly he saw Qui-Gon in a totally new light. He had abandoned Obi-Wan. Had Obi-Wan been so weak? He didn't seem weak. He had defeated a Sith. Could a weak Jedi do that? He knew the answer, but then why? Why had his Master cast him away? The question hung heavy between them, but Anakin wasn't sure he wanted the answer so he opted for another question.
"Did you promise that you would help him be a Jedi as well?" His voice was barely above a whisper. He knew the answer but needed to hear the answer anyway.
"Yes Anakin I did. I promised him I would never leave him, but-"
"You lied." His tone was accusatory and threatened. Anakin sat silently for a long time pondering all that he had come to know. For a year the man before him had beaten into his mind the dangers of deception. He had felt so ashamed of his contact with the darkness and his need to hide it, while the whole time his Master was a liar. If he had betrayed one padawan then what would stop him from-- he had to know the answer.
"Master?" He asked raising his head to look the man in the eye. "How do I know that you aren't lying to me as well? That you won't walk out on me just when I need you the most?"
Qui-Gon wished that he had a reassuring answer to give the young boy but knew that anything he said would fall sadly short of the mark.
He gave the boy's hand a reassuring squeeze and muttered, "We can hope I have learned from my mistakes."
Mistakes that Obi-Wan had paid for but Anakin had benefited from. Anakin withdrew his hand absently and stared out into space. Qui-Gon took that as his cue and left the boy knowing he had fallen from a pedestal in the boy's view and was strangely relieved by the knowledge that he had.
*****************
Anakin carefully checked his shields as he reached for the darkness within him. He needed comfort and trusted it to be there for him. He had never considered the possibility of losing his Master. He had always belonged to someone. He had been the property of a Hutt, then Watto and finally Qui- Gon. He knew in his heart that he didn't actually belong to Qui-Gon but he did depend on the man for everything. He had relied on his mother in much the same way, but it had been different.
He felt his mind turning towards thoughts of her. He fought the old habit of pulling away and instead allowed the memory of her smile to wash over him. It felt warm against the chill of space. He closed his eyes basking in her love for him. He missed her. It was an ache that nothing soothed.
He knew how Qui-Gon felt. They were not so different he and his Master. He had abandoned her just as his Master had abandoned Obi-Wan. He had wanted to be free and his Master had wanted to train the Chosen One, both selfish in their longings. Selfish to the point of walking away from the ones that loved them, something that now they both wished that they could have back, but knew somehow it was beyond their reach. He ached deep inside with regret.
He understood why Obi-Wan would hate him. He understood why Obi-Wan hated Qui-Gon. Surely after a year his mother now hated him. She had probably looked for his return for a while but now she had long given up that he would come for her. He hated Qui-Gon for freeing him and hated Obi-Wan for not being good enough for his Master. He hated his mother for giving him the choice. A choice that he had made and now had to live with the consequences of which he had not foreseen. No, that wasn't true. He didn't hate her. He could never hate his mother. He hated himself.
For a moment he had a wild sensation of hope. Maybe Qui-Gon would abandon him. Maybe he would be tossed aside and freed once and for all. No longer tied to a slaver or the Jedi Order, but free to live his life and pursue his heart's desires.
He knew the first thing he would do would be to return to Tatooine and free his mother. Just as the dream took shape he realized that in order to free her he would need money. He would need to hone his skills further so that once he left the Order he could earn enough credits to buy her. He wondered how long that would take. He wondered if Qui-Gon would keep him around long enough for him to acquire the necessary training.
As the questions came whirling into his mind, he felt his saber lying heavy on his thigh inspiring a new strategy. He could kill Watto and take his mother. He would only need enough credits for the transport. He could kill the junk dealer, take the credits from his safe, grab his mother and be gone. They could disappear and no one would ever find them. He knew his mother would never approve of that solution so he began again seeking a way to buy her freedom.
It was then that he remembered the pod he had made. The pod that Qui-Gon had been sold. The pod that he had used to win the race and help the Queen of Naboo. She owed him. He had seen her clothes, the handmaidens and the ship she owned, she had more than enough to help him. Whether she liked or not, she would be his solution.
He wouldn't be stupid like Obi-Wan. He wouldn't wait for the old man to leave him. He would leave the old man. He would return to the person who loved him most. He would free her, beg for her forgiveness and they would live together. He would use the darkness to gain her freedom and then cast it away never to touch it again. He wouldn't need its comfort after that. He would have his mother back and that was all he ever needed.
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Well one more guys. Are you ready for the resolution? I am and I'm not. I have just enjoyed writing this so very much!!! I think it will be a few days before I get the last chapter posted. I want to make sure it is exactly the way I want it. Thanks again for all the positive comments. They are very inspiring. Hang in there with me for one more ok?
Rating: I wish I knew. I am putting it at PG-13 just because I don't know any better and would rather err on the safe side.
Genre: Drama/Mild Angst
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story. They are, were and will always belong to Mr. George Lucas creator of an amazing universe. Not only does this story contain elements of the universe that Mr. Lucas created but also the Alternate Universe (AU) found in a wonderful story called An Untimely Frost by CYNICAL21. I thank Cynical21 for allowing me to reference her work. If you haven't read her story you are really missing out on a wonderful story.
Just to a little guide as to what things mean:
/-/ Bond thought //-// Private thought "-" Speaking aloud
**********************************************************************
Following the meal, Anakin generously offered to clean up the galley. This gave Obi-Wan the opportunity to duck back into the cockpit to insure that systems were still green lighted before settling in for evening meditations and some much needed rest. He had just begun a quick diagnostic on the navigational computer when he heard Qui-Gon behind him.
"Dinner was really good. I had forgotten what a good cook you were."
"It wasn't much but there is only so much you can do in a galley." Obi-Wan didn't look up hoping Qui-Gon would take the hint and leave. He felt too tired to get into any deep discussion. He knew that they would have to talk soon but tonight he was still struggling to reconcile himself with a broken and imperfect past. He didn't need it compounded with Qui-Gon's attempt to create a new future for them.
"Obi-Wan I really want to talk to you." Qui-Gon said softly lowering himself into the co-pilot's seat.
"Well we don't always get what we want." Obi-Wan said matter-of-factly.
Qui-Gon sighed. "Why do you have to make this so difficult?"
Obi-Wan looked away from the screen and stared in disbelief at the man beside him.
"I'm making this difficult? You- You do as you please, do what you want, and just because I don't bow before you with a polite 'Yes Master' you say I am being difficult? Why do you have to be so insistent that things happen as you want them? Why are YOU so difficult?" He hadn't meant to raise his voice but was sure that the end of his rant had more than likely reached Anakin.
Qui-Gon sat silently considering all that Obi-Wan had said. He involuntarily reached for the bond. He felt something but is was so muted it was more like a faint memory or a passing thought than any true connection.
"Don't do that." Obi-Wan demanded through gritted teeth.
"What?" Qui-Gon asked.
"Get out of my head. You gave up any right to be in my head the day you walked out of the Council Chambers and out of my life." There was so much pain in Obi-Wan's words Qui-Gon felt as if he were drowning in it for a moment. The thought of never feeling Obi-Wan's quick silver mind racing within his own broke something deep within the master.
"I never wanted to walk out on you. The boy had to be trained. There was no one else. He needed me." His tone was emphatic.
"He needed? He needed? What about me? What about what I needed? I needed you too. Didn't that matter? Didn't I matter?" He was yelling now and couldn't care less if the boy heard him or not. Anakin was Qui-Gon's concern not his.
"Stop being so childish and lower your voice." Qui-Gon's tone went to menacing," You were ready for the trials. From what I gathered you were knighted less than a month after my departure. You didn't NEED me. You WANTED me. Wants and needs are different." Qui-Gon's volume rose as well but didn't match that of the younger man. He was determined to remain somewhat in control of his emotions.
"How wise you are Master Jinn. " Obi-Wan had replaced his earlier volume with thick sarcasm. " You are correct wants and needs are different. I felt like I needed you but you are right I guess I didn't. After all Master Yoda did complete my training, took my braid, and pronounced me a knight of the order. Maybe I didn't NEED you, but I did WANT you. I wanted it to be you. I wanted you to complete what you started. I wanted you to take my braid. The braid that you first created on the day you took me as your Padawan, I wanted you to proclaim me a knight. I wanted YOU. You just NEVER WANTED me."
Obi-Wan pushed out of his chair to make his way out of the cockpit. He had no interest in Qui-Gon's response. Nothing could change the facts and the facts were that Qui-Gon had never wanted him and in the end had abandoned him.
Qui-Gon was on his feet with lightening speed his hand holding the knight in place.
"Release me." Obi-Wan's tone was threatening as he lifted his gaze to meet Qui-Gon's.
"Is that what you really think? That I never wanted you? " Qui-Gon's tone revealed his total disbelief. How could Obi-Wan think such a thing? They had had their rough spots but he had always been so proud of the young man standing before him.
Obi-Wan jerked his arm free. "No it isn't what I think. It is what I know. It is what I always felt. From the moment you doomed me to the Agri Corps of Bandomeer, to the moment Tahl was killed, from Xani to Ani, you never wanted me. I was a burden, a weight, a liability you couldn't wait to be rid of and now that you are finally and forever free of me I don't quite understand why you feel so compelled to get me back in your life. Then again you always had a soft spot for pathetic life forms." Not waiting for the master to respond Obi-Wan left.
Obi-Wan walked past the galley refusing to meet Anakin's gaze from the commons area as he made his way to his quarters. He needed to meditate. He needed to find his center. What he really needed was to be off of this ship and back at the Temple far away from his ex-master.
Once inside his quarters he stripped off his clothing and took a quick sonic in the fresher. It helped wash away the fatigue but the anger and despair remained. He had to find a way through all this pain. He had to emerge from it as he had during his meditation.
He heard Master Yoda's question in his head once more. He couldn't expect Qui-Gon to change the past. In the cockpit he had fallen into the trap of reliving the past. With renewed determination he pledged that he would not fall again. He knew what it was that he needed from Qui-Gon. He would find the courage to ask for it and the strength to accept the consequences if he needed more than the man was willing to give.
He tried several times to meditate but could never clear his mind of the heated exchange that he had had with Qui-Gon. He had been thoughtless arguing without any concern for Anakin. That was not like him to be so uncaring and selfish. He didn't like what this conflict was turning him into. He was determined to resolve this before he lost himself. He had come too far in the last year to succumb to the ghosts of his past.
******************
Anakin quietly made his way to the cockpit. He heard his Master sniff once and then realized that the older man was crying.
"Master?' he asked softly. "Are you ok?" He sat in the seat next to him and reached out taking the man's hand in his. He had never seen this side of his Master before. Even when they had been forced to leave the Temple his Master had always been strong.
Qui-Gon quickly wiped his face before turning to regard his student. "Yes Anakin I am fine. " He took a deep breath trying to reassure the boy.
"I heard the argument." It was more of an apology than a confession.
"Yes well Obi-Wan was never one to keep his opinion to himself. A skill he learned from his old master I assure you." Qui-Gon tried to joke but it fell flat.
"He shouldn't talk to you like that." Anakin's voice was fiercely protective. He had resented the knight's intrusion on their mission from the start. He had no intention of standing idly by while he abused his Master.
"Perhaps not Padawan, but there are things I have done to him that I should not have done as well." He turned and stared out at the void of space before them.
"Like what?" Anakin asked. They had seemed fine at lunch that day. Obi- Wan had seemed friendly enough. He had sensed some emotion during the discussion he had interrupted in the corridor, but Obi-Wan had seemed fine when he had left. His Master had seemed a mess and had continued to be one throughout the rest of the day.
"Did he hurt you this afternoon? What did he say?" Fierce loyalty fired through their bond. Qui-Gon smiled at the irony of it. He seemed to inspire loyalty in his padawans only to fail them in the end.
"No. We-"He stuttered trying to find the right words. "This is about something that happened a year ago. Actually it started long before that." He gazed back into the vastness of space as if staring back into time. "It started before he was my padawan and ended-well I guess it really hasn't ended yet. " The older man sighed world weary and wishing he knew what he could say to comfort the man.
Anakin nodded quietly and waited patiently.
Qui-Gon shook his head. "Anakin let me ask you something. How long have I been your master?"
"A year and a bit. Why? "Anakin asked pride evident in his voice.
"What if I walked in and told you that I had found another child that I wanted to take as my Padawan?" Qui-Gon searched the boy's eyes for a reaction. He found one immediately. Anakin felt a panic rise up within him.
"No Master. You can't do that can you? I mean you promised I would be a Jedi. You wouldn't really do that to me would you?" Anakin tightened his grip on his Master's hand, his voice barely above a whisper. He sounded so young and Qui-Gon was reminded of how truly young the boy was.
Anakin's mind raced. He knew that Qui-Gon had his faults but Master Jinn had believed in him. He had promised to make him a Jedi. If his Master walked away now what would happen to him? Would he be cast out? Anakin was flooded with fear and anger. Surely it wouldn't be Obi-Wan who would replace him he was already a knight, but who was it? Had his master found someone else to train or was this yet another test for the Chosen One? He tried to think about what the correct response would be, but found that the truth was all that he could manage at the moment. He felt his breath catch as his chest tightened in anxiety.
Qui-Gon soothed him. "No Anakin I would not do that to you. But if I did how would you feel?"
"Angry and..sad.afraid and well alone." Anakin replied after some thought. "Though I would try to release it all into the Force." The latter was stated in a rush just in case it had been a test.
"Angry at me?" Anakin nodded unsure of himself.
"Now imagine you had been my Padawan for twelve years as Obi-Wan had. We had been on many missions, worked through all the katas, shared every naming day and Temple celebration, and sparred to the peak of our ability then one day I suddenly cast you away. You on the verge of being knighted. You standing on the brink of seizing your destiny and I-" the man's voice broke off as he watched the realization crash in on Anakin for the first time. Qui-Gon's eyes filled to overflowing. He was unable to continue.
Anakin's stomach clutched into a knot. He had always known what had happened but somehow had never let it sink in. He had never allowed himself to dwell on what his gain had cost his master former padawan. He lowered his head and suddenly he saw Qui-Gon in a totally new light. He had abandoned Obi-Wan. Had Obi-Wan been so weak? He didn't seem weak. He had defeated a Sith. Could a weak Jedi do that? He knew the answer, but then why? Why had his Master cast him away? The question hung heavy between them, but Anakin wasn't sure he wanted the answer so he opted for another question.
"Did you promise that you would help him be a Jedi as well?" His voice was barely above a whisper. He knew the answer but needed to hear the answer anyway.
"Yes Anakin I did. I promised him I would never leave him, but-"
"You lied." His tone was accusatory and threatened. Anakin sat silently for a long time pondering all that he had come to know. For a year the man before him had beaten into his mind the dangers of deception. He had felt so ashamed of his contact with the darkness and his need to hide it, while the whole time his Master was a liar. If he had betrayed one padawan then what would stop him from-- he had to know the answer.
"Master?" He asked raising his head to look the man in the eye. "How do I know that you aren't lying to me as well? That you won't walk out on me just when I need you the most?"
Qui-Gon wished that he had a reassuring answer to give the young boy but knew that anything he said would fall sadly short of the mark.
He gave the boy's hand a reassuring squeeze and muttered, "We can hope I have learned from my mistakes."
Mistakes that Obi-Wan had paid for but Anakin had benefited from. Anakin withdrew his hand absently and stared out into space. Qui-Gon took that as his cue and left the boy knowing he had fallen from a pedestal in the boy's view and was strangely relieved by the knowledge that he had.
*****************
Anakin carefully checked his shields as he reached for the darkness within him. He needed comfort and trusted it to be there for him. He had never considered the possibility of losing his Master. He had always belonged to someone. He had been the property of a Hutt, then Watto and finally Qui- Gon. He knew in his heart that he didn't actually belong to Qui-Gon but he did depend on the man for everything. He had relied on his mother in much the same way, but it had been different.
He felt his mind turning towards thoughts of her. He fought the old habit of pulling away and instead allowed the memory of her smile to wash over him. It felt warm against the chill of space. He closed his eyes basking in her love for him. He missed her. It was an ache that nothing soothed.
He knew how Qui-Gon felt. They were not so different he and his Master. He had abandoned her just as his Master had abandoned Obi-Wan. He had wanted to be free and his Master had wanted to train the Chosen One, both selfish in their longings. Selfish to the point of walking away from the ones that loved them, something that now they both wished that they could have back, but knew somehow it was beyond their reach. He ached deep inside with regret.
He understood why Obi-Wan would hate him. He understood why Obi-Wan hated Qui-Gon. Surely after a year his mother now hated him. She had probably looked for his return for a while but now she had long given up that he would come for her. He hated Qui-Gon for freeing him and hated Obi-Wan for not being good enough for his Master. He hated his mother for giving him the choice. A choice that he had made and now had to live with the consequences of which he had not foreseen. No, that wasn't true. He didn't hate her. He could never hate his mother. He hated himself.
For a moment he had a wild sensation of hope. Maybe Qui-Gon would abandon him. Maybe he would be tossed aside and freed once and for all. No longer tied to a slaver or the Jedi Order, but free to live his life and pursue his heart's desires.
He knew the first thing he would do would be to return to Tatooine and free his mother. Just as the dream took shape he realized that in order to free her he would need money. He would need to hone his skills further so that once he left the Order he could earn enough credits to buy her. He wondered how long that would take. He wondered if Qui-Gon would keep him around long enough for him to acquire the necessary training.
As the questions came whirling into his mind, he felt his saber lying heavy on his thigh inspiring a new strategy. He could kill Watto and take his mother. He would only need enough credits for the transport. He could kill the junk dealer, take the credits from his safe, grab his mother and be gone. They could disappear and no one would ever find them. He knew his mother would never approve of that solution so he began again seeking a way to buy her freedom.
It was then that he remembered the pod he had made. The pod that Qui-Gon had been sold. The pod that he had used to win the race and help the Queen of Naboo. She owed him. He had seen her clothes, the handmaidens and the ship she owned, she had more than enough to help him. Whether she liked or not, she would be his solution.
He wouldn't be stupid like Obi-Wan. He wouldn't wait for the old man to leave him. He would leave the old man. He would return to the person who loved him most. He would free her, beg for her forgiveness and they would live together. He would use the darkness to gain her freedom and then cast it away never to touch it again. He wouldn't need its comfort after that. He would have his mother back and that was all he ever needed.
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Well one more guys. Are you ready for the resolution? I am and I'm not. I have just enjoyed writing this so very much!!! I think it will be a few days before I get the last chapter posted. I want to make sure it is exactly the way I want it. Thanks again for all the positive comments. They are very inspiring. Hang in there with me for one more ok?