Title: Broken Promises and New Beginnings
Rating: I wish I knew. I am putting it at PG-13 just because I don't know any better and would rather err on the safe side.
Genre: Drama/Mild Angst
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story. They are, were and will always belong to Mr. George Lucas creator of an amazing universe. Not only does this story contain elements of the universe that Mr. Lucas created but also the Alternate Universe (AU) found in a wonderful story called An Untimely Frost by CYNICAL21. I thank Cynical21 for allowing me to reference her work. If you haven't read her story you are really missing out on a wonderful story.
Just to a little guide as to what things mean:
/-/ Bond thought //-// Private thought "-" Speaking aloud
**********************************************************************
Qui-Gon left Anakin deep in thought. The boy had much to consider. The Master had witnessed the moment as the veil had been once and forever lifted from the boy's clear blue eyes. He had noticed how over the last year the boy had seemed less in awe of him than he had been originally, but at the same time had felt that he still held his Master as fairly infallible. Never again would he be the infallible Master Jinn.
Slowly but surely everyone in his life was learning what a proud and stubborn man he could be. Perhaps things would be better between them now that his faults had been laid bare. For years Obi-Wan had turned himself inside-out trying to be worthy of him. He had tried to explain time and again to his ex-padawan that he wasn't anything special as a Master, but Obi-Wan had been determined that he was. It had felt so good to see that look of total awe and devotion in those bright green eyes. He had been intoxicated by his adoration drinking it up for years leaving the boy drained and empty.
How much easier would Obi-Wan's path to knighthood have been if Qui-Gon had pulled himself from his drunken stupor casting away his vanity baring the truth of his own human flaws? No one would ever know, but Qui-Gon suspected it would have been substantially less painful and damaging to the young man.
The truth was better than the fiction that legend and lore created around knights and masters in the Order. He had never wanted to be the Legendary Master Jinn. Legends can paint either a positive or a negative impression. As his career as a Jedi continued he felt with more certainty than ever before that his legend would be one recounted with grim smiles and sorrowful nods.
Shaking his head he released the overwhelming emotions into the Force. How had he gotten it all so wrong? He had always sought to serve the Force and yet at this moment he had never felt more convinced that he had failed. He needed to meditate and shower before he drowned in his own self pity. It was his hope that the water would wash away the pain and hopelessness that seemed now to cling to him like a second skin.
Making his way back to his quarters he met Obi-Wan coming towards him. He attempted to avoid the knight's eyes, but found his path blocked.
"Master Jinn," Obi-Wan began his tone soft and respectful.
"Obi-Wan I am tired and I have no desire to quarrel with you more tonight." He attempted to push past the younger man, but made little to no progress.
"I have no desire to quarrel further with you either Master. Please-" Obi- Wan paused as Qui-Gon turned to face him. "We must help each other get past this if not for our own sakes then for the people we have been summoned to assist."
Qui-Gon nodded. Obi-Wan motioned for Qui-Gon to follow him aft to the small cargo bay. It was their desire to serve the Order that had brought them together in the first place perhaps it would serve to unite them once more.
Once inside the cargo area Obi-Wan took a seat on a large crate and motioned for his ex-Master to do the same. Qui-Gon drew his robe around him as if to insulate him from what was to come. Obi-Wan tried to ignore the gesture but had seen it in so many different situations he felt it pull a bit at his heart. Swallowing the memories which were suddenly too tangible to wade through he centered himself and began.
"I am going to say my piece and then you may say whatever you wish." Obi- Wan stated but waited for Qui-Gon to silently agree before continuing.
"I have been meditating on what it is that I need from you in order to put all that occurred in our past behind me. At first I dwelled on all the things which I had wanted to happen in the past but could never have. I lost a year of my life dwelling on such things. It took an insightful question from my Master to get me to change my focus from what I want to what I need. Much like your statement a moment ago, Master Yoda helped me to realize that it was my job to let you know what I need from you not want from you. It was your job to choose to either comply with my needs or not. I cannot control your reactions any more than you can control my needs. I guess in that way we are a bit at each other's mercy. A place I am intimately familiar with. " Obi-Wan paused and took a deep breath. He sensed the anxiety in the older man but pushed it away refusing to lose his focus.
"I need two things from you. The first is an acknowledgement on your part that what you did to me was wrong and hurtful. Whether that was your intent or not matters very little at this point." He paused gauging the man's reaction. Qui-Gon's expression was blank. It was the same expression his master had worn for years while evaluating his progress. The look felt heavy, weighed down with intense concentration. Swallowing hard Obi-Wan regained his calm and continued.
"The second need requires an acceptance on your part that because of your actions our relationship will never be as it was. No matter how much we work out our difficulties or how much time we spend together nothing will ever be the same." Obi-Wan lowered his head drawing his lips into a grim line. Even now the thought of never having the same connection to his master was difficult to accept, but he had come to far to turn back. Lifting his head he pressed on.
" I will never trust you as I did. I will never see you as I once did. That part of my life, no matter how dear or precious it was to me, is over and will never be again. " The grief was obvious in this portion of his speech. Despite his struggle to maintain his composure a single tear escaped and slowly flowed down his cheek. He resisted the urge to look away. He had witnessed so many emotions flood the master's face. He wondered if he had been so easy to read throughout his speech. He hoped not, but imagined that he had been.
During Obi-Wan's speech, Qui-Gon had felt anger, frustration, confusion, acceptance, sorrow and finally some amount of understanding. He wished he could leave but knew it would only postpone the inevitable. He saw such raw strength in the man before him. A year ago Obi-Wan would never have come to him and given him terms for their relationship. He couldn't help but feel proud of the man that the boy had grown into. He was a fine man and Qui-Gon would be honored to be a part of his life no matter how limited his role might be. Taking a deep breath he closed his eyes centering himself the best that he could. He needed a few hours of meditation but knew that it was too much to ask for. The time for preparing was over. It was time to face the past and move forward.
"My Obi-Wan-" He began his voice husky with emotion. He cleared his throat.
"No." Obi-Wan's tone was firm but kind, "I am no longer your Obi-Wan. This is part of things never being the same. I will never be your anything ever again. Perhaps at some point we might call each other friends but never will I ever belong to you in the same way that I once did."
Qui-Gon's face twisted in response to the internal pain that revelation brought him. He managed a nod and accepted Obi-Wan's condition. He released a shaky breath. "Obi-Wan, " He paused looking for assurance that he could still call him by his name. Obi-Wan nodded slightly and waited patiently as the man struggled to find the words.
"I wish so much could have been different. I wish I had spoken to you about Anakin prior to our appearance before the Council. I wish I had given us time to revel in your readiness for the trials before I blurted it out in front of the Council. It should have been a private moment that we celebrated together. It should have been a grand celebration between us as you reached the goal of your training."
He paused taking a moment to picture what that celebration would have felt like and looked like had he allowed it. It would have involved Alderaan wine and lots of chocolate, Obi-Wan's favorite. It would have seen them both searching through holo keepers and mementos. A wry smile shadowed his lips as he pictured it all. He swallowed hard trying to force down the lump that filled his throat. When he spoke again his voice was pale with grief.
"I wish you had not felt rejected and hurt by what I did. I wish that you could have seen that it wasn't about you but the Force or what I thought the Force was telling me to do. I have no defense other than to remind you that never have I ever turned my back on it for any man. If ever there had been a man that I was tempted to abandon it for it would have been you, but even my love for you could not detour me from its call.
If we agree on anything it must be that we are small in comparison to the Force. We both live to serve it. It shapes and molds us. It calls to us and we are helpless but to answer its call no matter how difficult the task it demands of us." He was pleading now keeping his voice level but desperation leaking through.
"So many things I wish. I wish our parting had not been so hurtful. I said things I didn't mean. I never took them back, so please allow me to do so now."
The older man rose and slowly made his way over to where the knight sat. A look of surprise crossed the young man's face as he watched the master gracefully lower himself to a kneeling position at the knight's feet. Deep blue eyes filled with both sorrow and sincerity rose to meet his.
"You were never a mistake and taking you with me from Bandomeer was the best decision I ever made. If you never believe another word that comes from my mouth I pray that you will find some way to believe these words. For to deny them would be to deny the most treasured moment of my life, for you were not merely a padawan but a gift given to a sad and lonely Master looking for a reason to live. For as long as I live I will never understand how the Force could ever love me so much that it would allow me to have you in my life." Tears had begun to trail down the older man's face. He allowed them to flow unchecked so intent was he on conveying the vital portion of his apology to the young man.
Obi-Wan reached out placing trembling hands upon the man's shoulders. His voice was barely above a whisper overcome with emotion.
"Get up Qui-Gon. I won't have you kneeling at my feet." He helped to pull the man gently to his feet and walked him back to his place on the crate where he had been sitting. He gave his shoulders a reassuring squeeze and silently mouthed 'Thank you.' His eyes bright with unshed tears, he then turned and made his way back to his own crate.
Qui-Gon saw more disbelief than relief in Obi-Wan's expression. He would have to hope that the Force would help the young man see the truth of his words. He took a moment to gather his composure before continuing.
"I am so sorry for hurting you Obi-Wan. I apologize for that. I love you like a son and would never want to bring any measure of pain to you." A small sob escaped him but he immediately reigned in his emotions. His voice rising as his frustration with himself and the situation became evident. "Was taking Anakin as my padawan a mistake? I don't know only time will tell. The mistake was in hurting you. That was a mistake. Please accept my apology."
//One condition met.// He thought, but the next would be harder for him. Qui-Gon steadied himself.
"Only time will tell about Anakin. I accept your apology. I will try to learn to accept your words concerning your acceptance of me on Bandomeer. I hope that I will find a way to believe you. Once again I guess time will tell." Obi-Wan's voice was soft and lined with fatigue.
Buoyed by Obi-Wan's acceptance of his apology Qui-Gon sought the strength to continue. He knew that this would be the hardest part for him to get through. He had no problem apologizing for the realization that he had hurt Obi-Wan. He could accept that and longed to make that right. The thought though that their relationship was permanently damaged and could never be completely healed tore something deep inside of him.
He could hear the voice of denial screaming in anguish within him. Still he had to give Obi-Wan what he needed. He had to try to help his beloved Padawan get through this so that he could go on with his life and finally move past that which was haunting him. Qui-Gon took a deep breath as his head hung heavy with the weight of his words.
"If I have learned anything from returning to the temple, "Qui-Gon began again swallowing against the lump that had once again formed in his throat. "I have learned that things will never be the same between us. And NOTHING grieves my heart more or causes me more regret than knowing that you are no longer MY Obi-Wan." He stopped to wipe the new tears from his face.
"You voiced earlier that you had wanted me to be the one to knight you. Well I had wanted that as well young one. I had many times visualized that moment when I would cut your braid and pronounce you a knight of the Order." Tears silently traced a path down the older man's face as his voice broke under the strain of his sorrow.
Obi-Wan sat transfixed seeing Qui-Gon in a new light. He never considered that he had dreamed of such things before. He had always assumed that they were his dreams alone. He had never considered what it would have meant to Qui-Gon after countless hours of training, missions, sparring, lectures, and kata corrections to see his student become what he set out to make him. They sat there in silence each man wrapped in his own grief.
Finally it was Obi-Wan who broke it sounding surprised at his new insight. "I so want to let you off of the hook." Obi-Wan's voice was honest and he smiled as his eyes met Qui-Gon's.
"That is because it has always been in your nature to willingly forgive the faults of others." It was said matter-of-factly.
"I really can't do it this time." He smiled a sad smile as his voice choked with tears," I can't let you off so easily. I can't let you hurt me again and I know that you will."
Qui-Gon could only nod in understanding. He would make no more promises. He had done that before and failed to live up to them. He would not let the man down again. He himself dare not voice his convictions for he was not his own but a vessel for the Force to work through. Long as he might to spare any further hurt to his beloved Obi-Wan he knew that his life was not his own.
"So where do we go from here?" Qui-Gon asked.
He was not in any positions to make demands upon Obi-Wan. Even though he still felt his actions had been demanded by the Force, he had been the one to destroy what they had had therefore it was not his place to dictate how their relationship would be built back. That was for Obi-Wan to decide and he would comply with the young man's wishes. He owed him that much.
"Live in the moment." Obi-Wan simply said a trace of a smile slowly curving upon his lips. It wasn't a smile born of long hours of mirth but one that knew how to accept less and be content with it somehow.
Qui-Gon chuckled, "Live in the moment."
He reached out his hand to him and Obi-Wan rose from where he had been sitting and took it. His marveled at all the times this hand had touched him. He had felt it upon his shoulder in comfort and pride, on his body throwing him to the mat in hand-to-hand practice, stroking his face while recovering in an infirmary, and now holding it as a first step back in a long line of steps to be taken.
"What do you think?" Qui-Gon asked amused at the emotions playing thoughtfully across the younger man's face. Obi-Wan continued to stare at the hand marveling at its power and grace. Finally he broke his eyes away from it and met the other man's steady gaze.
"I think it is a beginning and all things are possible in the beginning." Qui-Gon sighed and laughed. The laughter though quickly evolved into sobs and he fell into the young man's arms.
Relief flooded him and he longed to reach for the bond but knew it would only remind him of his loss. He chose instead to be proud of the man in his arms, the man capable of lending comfort to one who had hurt him so badly, the man who was finding a way to accept the one who had rejected him.
He had refused to believe that he could ever lose Obi-Wan's love, but somehow he felt that he had. Tonight's talk had revealed many things and mended a few of the misunderstandings.
Obi-Wan held him. It felt odd to have their roles reversed so completely. He could feel the man's grief and longing. He could feel the man's acceptance and relief. He smiled as he tightened his grip around Qui-Gon and searched for his own feelings. He felt peaceful and calm. He felt strong and loved. He felt something he hadn't felt in a very long time. He felt hopeful. Hopeful that there would be no more broken promises between them as they both embraced the possibilities born in new beginnings.
The End. Sequel to Come...
************************************************************************
Thank you all for all the comments, reviews, support and patience. I have really enjoyed writing this and can't wait to get started on the next one. I have no idea what the title will be so just look for my name if you are interested. I will put in the summary that it is a sequel to this story. Thanks again for reading!!! A special thanks to my wonderful husband who is so supportive of me. He gets up everyday and faces the real world so that I can sit here and create my own. Thanks Topper. You are the best!!!!! Also I want to thank my son for putting up with a mom who has had her nose buried in her computer for the last few weeks. Thanks for you patience BA. I am the luckiest mom in the world!!!
Rating: I wish I knew. I am putting it at PG-13 just because I don't know any better and would rather err on the safe side.
Genre: Drama/Mild Angst
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story. They are, were and will always belong to Mr. George Lucas creator of an amazing universe. Not only does this story contain elements of the universe that Mr. Lucas created but also the Alternate Universe (AU) found in a wonderful story called An Untimely Frost by CYNICAL21. I thank Cynical21 for allowing me to reference her work. If you haven't read her story you are really missing out on a wonderful story.
Just to a little guide as to what things mean:
/-/ Bond thought //-// Private thought "-" Speaking aloud
**********************************************************************
Qui-Gon left Anakin deep in thought. The boy had much to consider. The Master had witnessed the moment as the veil had been once and forever lifted from the boy's clear blue eyes. He had noticed how over the last year the boy had seemed less in awe of him than he had been originally, but at the same time had felt that he still held his Master as fairly infallible. Never again would he be the infallible Master Jinn.
Slowly but surely everyone in his life was learning what a proud and stubborn man he could be. Perhaps things would be better between them now that his faults had been laid bare. For years Obi-Wan had turned himself inside-out trying to be worthy of him. He had tried to explain time and again to his ex-padawan that he wasn't anything special as a Master, but Obi-Wan had been determined that he was. It had felt so good to see that look of total awe and devotion in those bright green eyes. He had been intoxicated by his adoration drinking it up for years leaving the boy drained and empty.
How much easier would Obi-Wan's path to knighthood have been if Qui-Gon had pulled himself from his drunken stupor casting away his vanity baring the truth of his own human flaws? No one would ever know, but Qui-Gon suspected it would have been substantially less painful and damaging to the young man.
The truth was better than the fiction that legend and lore created around knights and masters in the Order. He had never wanted to be the Legendary Master Jinn. Legends can paint either a positive or a negative impression. As his career as a Jedi continued he felt with more certainty than ever before that his legend would be one recounted with grim smiles and sorrowful nods.
Shaking his head he released the overwhelming emotions into the Force. How had he gotten it all so wrong? He had always sought to serve the Force and yet at this moment he had never felt more convinced that he had failed. He needed to meditate and shower before he drowned in his own self pity. It was his hope that the water would wash away the pain and hopelessness that seemed now to cling to him like a second skin.
Making his way back to his quarters he met Obi-Wan coming towards him. He attempted to avoid the knight's eyes, but found his path blocked.
"Master Jinn," Obi-Wan began his tone soft and respectful.
"Obi-Wan I am tired and I have no desire to quarrel with you more tonight." He attempted to push past the younger man, but made little to no progress.
"I have no desire to quarrel further with you either Master. Please-" Obi- Wan paused as Qui-Gon turned to face him. "We must help each other get past this if not for our own sakes then for the people we have been summoned to assist."
Qui-Gon nodded. Obi-Wan motioned for Qui-Gon to follow him aft to the small cargo bay. It was their desire to serve the Order that had brought them together in the first place perhaps it would serve to unite them once more.
Once inside the cargo area Obi-Wan took a seat on a large crate and motioned for his ex-Master to do the same. Qui-Gon drew his robe around him as if to insulate him from what was to come. Obi-Wan tried to ignore the gesture but had seen it in so many different situations he felt it pull a bit at his heart. Swallowing the memories which were suddenly too tangible to wade through he centered himself and began.
"I am going to say my piece and then you may say whatever you wish." Obi- Wan stated but waited for Qui-Gon to silently agree before continuing.
"I have been meditating on what it is that I need from you in order to put all that occurred in our past behind me. At first I dwelled on all the things which I had wanted to happen in the past but could never have. I lost a year of my life dwelling on such things. It took an insightful question from my Master to get me to change my focus from what I want to what I need. Much like your statement a moment ago, Master Yoda helped me to realize that it was my job to let you know what I need from you not want from you. It was your job to choose to either comply with my needs or not. I cannot control your reactions any more than you can control my needs. I guess in that way we are a bit at each other's mercy. A place I am intimately familiar with. " Obi-Wan paused and took a deep breath. He sensed the anxiety in the older man but pushed it away refusing to lose his focus.
"I need two things from you. The first is an acknowledgement on your part that what you did to me was wrong and hurtful. Whether that was your intent or not matters very little at this point." He paused gauging the man's reaction. Qui-Gon's expression was blank. It was the same expression his master had worn for years while evaluating his progress. The look felt heavy, weighed down with intense concentration. Swallowing hard Obi-Wan regained his calm and continued.
"The second need requires an acceptance on your part that because of your actions our relationship will never be as it was. No matter how much we work out our difficulties or how much time we spend together nothing will ever be the same." Obi-Wan lowered his head drawing his lips into a grim line. Even now the thought of never having the same connection to his master was difficult to accept, but he had come to far to turn back. Lifting his head he pressed on.
" I will never trust you as I did. I will never see you as I once did. That part of my life, no matter how dear or precious it was to me, is over and will never be again. " The grief was obvious in this portion of his speech. Despite his struggle to maintain his composure a single tear escaped and slowly flowed down his cheek. He resisted the urge to look away. He had witnessed so many emotions flood the master's face. He wondered if he had been so easy to read throughout his speech. He hoped not, but imagined that he had been.
During Obi-Wan's speech, Qui-Gon had felt anger, frustration, confusion, acceptance, sorrow and finally some amount of understanding. He wished he could leave but knew it would only postpone the inevitable. He saw such raw strength in the man before him. A year ago Obi-Wan would never have come to him and given him terms for their relationship. He couldn't help but feel proud of the man that the boy had grown into. He was a fine man and Qui-Gon would be honored to be a part of his life no matter how limited his role might be. Taking a deep breath he closed his eyes centering himself the best that he could. He needed a few hours of meditation but knew that it was too much to ask for. The time for preparing was over. It was time to face the past and move forward.
"My Obi-Wan-" He began his voice husky with emotion. He cleared his throat.
"No." Obi-Wan's tone was firm but kind, "I am no longer your Obi-Wan. This is part of things never being the same. I will never be your anything ever again. Perhaps at some point we might call each other friends but never will I ever belong to you in the same way that I once did."
Qui-Gon's face twisted in response to the internal pain that revelation brought him. He managed a nod and accepted Obi-Wan's condition. He released a shaky breath. "Obi-Wan, " He paused looking for assurance that he could still call him by his name. Obi-Wan nodded slightly and waited patiently as the man struggled to find the words.
"I wish so much could have been different. I wish I had spoken to you about Anakin prior to our appearance before the Council. I wish I had given us time to revel in your readiness for the trials before I blurted it out in front of the Council. It should have been a private moment that we celebrated together. It should have been a grand celebration between us as you reached the goal of your training."
He paused taking a moment to picture what that celebration would have felt like and looked like had he allowed it. It would have involved Alderaan wine and lots of chocolate, Obi-Wan's favorite. It would have seen them both searching through holo keepers and mementos. A wry smile shadowed his lips as he pictured it all. He swallowed hard trying to force down the lump that filled his throat. When he spoke again his voice was pale with grief.
"I wish you had not felt rejected and hurt by what I did. I wish that you could have seen that it wasn't about you but the Force or what I thought the Force was telling me to do. I have no defense other than to remind you that never have I ever turned my back on it for any man. If ever there had been a man that I was tempted to abandon it for it would have been you, but even my love for you could not detour me from its call.
If we agree on anything it must be that we are small in comparison to the Force. We both live to serve it. It shapes and molds us. It calls to us and we are helpless but to answer its call no matter how difficult the task it demands of us." He was pleading now keeping his voice level but desperation leaking through.
"So many things I wish. I wish our parting had not been so hurtful. I said things I didn't mean. I never took them back, so please allow me to do so now."
The older man rose and slowly made his way over to where the knight sat. A look of surprise crossed the young man's face as he watched the master gracefully lower himself to a kneeling position at the knight's feet. Deep blue eyes filled with both sorrow and sincerity rose to meet his.
"You were never a mistake and taking you with me from Bandomeer was the best decision I ever made. If you never believe another word that comes from my mouth I pray that you will find some way to believe these words. For to deny them would be to deny the most treasured moment of my life, for you were not merely a padawan but a gift given to a sad and lonely Master looking for a reason to live. For as long as I live I will never understand how the Force could ever love me so much that it would allow me to have you in my life." Tears had begun to trail down the older man's face. He allowed them to flow unchecked so intent was he on conveying the vital portion of his apology to the young man.
Obi-Wan reached out placing trembling hands upon the man's shoulders. His voice was barely above a whisper overcome with emotion.
"Get up Qui-Gon. I won't have you kneeling at my feet." He helped to pull the man gently to his feet and walked him back to his place on the crate where he had been sitting. He gave his shoulders a reassuring squeeze and silently mouthed 'Thank you.' His eyes bright with unshed tears, he then turned and made his way back to his own crate.
Qui-Gon saw more disbelief than relief in Obi-Wan's expression. He would have to hope that the Force would help the young man see the truth of his words. He took a moment to gather his composure before continuing.
"I am so sorry for hurting you Obi-Wan. I apologize for that. I love you like a son and would never want to bring any measure of pain to you." A small sob escaped him but he immediately reigned in his emotions. His voice rising as his frustration with himself and the situation became evident. "Was taking Anakin as my padawan a mistake? I don't know only time will tell. The mistake was in hurting you. That was a mistake. Please accept my apology."
//One condition met.// He thought, but the next would be harder for him. Qui-Gon steadied himself.
"Only time will tell about Anakin. I accept your apology. I will try to learn to accept your words concerning your acceptance of me on Bandomeer. I hope that I will find a way to believe you. Once again I guess time will tell." Obi-Wan's voice was soft and lined with fatigue.
Buoyed by Obi-Wan's acceptance of his apology Qui-Gon sought the strength to continue. He knew that this would be the hardest part for him to get through. He had no problem apologizing for the realization that he had hurt Obi-Wan. He could accept that and longed to make that right. The thought though that their relationship was permanently damaged and could never be completely healed tore something deep inside of him.
He could hear the voice of denial screaming in anguish within him. Still he had to give Obi-Wan what he needed. He had to try to help his beloved Padawan get through this so that he could go on with his life and finally move past that which was haunting him. Qui-Gon took a deep breath as his head hung heavy with the weight of his words.
"If I have learned anything from returning to the temple, "Qui-Gon began again swallowing against the lump that had once again formed in his throat. "I have learned that things will never be the same between us. And NOTHING grieves my heart more or causes me more regret than knowing that you are no longer MY Obi-Wan." He stopped to wipe the new tears from his face.
"You voiced earlier that you had wanted me to be the one to knight you. Well I had wanted that as well young one. I had many times visualized that moment when I would cut your braid and pronounce you a knight of the Order." Tears silently traced a path down the older man's face as his voice broke under the strain of his sorrow.
Obi-Wan sat transfixed seeing Qui-Gon in a new light. He never considered that he had dreamed of such things before. He had always assumed that they were his dreams alone. He had never considered what it would have meant to Qui-Gon after countless hours of training, missions, sparring, lectures, and kata corrections to see his student become what he set out to make him. They sat there in silence each man wrapped in his own grief.
Finally it was Obi-Wan who broke it sounding surprised at his new insight. "I so want to let you off of the hook." Obi-Wan's voice was honest and he smiled as his eyes met Qui-Gon's.
"That is because it has always been in your nature to willingly forgive the faults of others." It was said matter-of-factly.
"I really can't do it this time." He smiled a sad smile as his voice choked with tears," I can't let you off so easily. I can't let you hurt me again and I know that you will."
Qui-Gon could only nod in understanding. He would make no more promises. He had done that before and failed to live up to them. He would not let the man down again. He himself dare not voice his convictions for he was not his own but a vessel for the Force to work through. Long as he might to spare any further hurt to his beloved Obi-Wan he knew that his life was not his own.
"So where do we go from here?" Qui-Gon asked.
He was not in any positions to make demands upon Obi-Wan. Even though he still felt his actions had been demanded by the Force, he had been the one to destroy what they had had therefore it was not his place to dictate how their relationship would be built back. That was for Obi-Wan to decide and he would comply with the young man's wishes. He owed him that much.
"Live in the moment." Obi-Wan simply said a trace of a smile slowly curving upon his lips. It wasn't a smile born of long hours of mirth but one that knew how to accept less and be content with it somehow.
Qui-Gon chuckled, "Live in the moment."
He reached out his hand to him and Obi-Wan rose from where he had been sitting and took it. His marveled at all the times this hand had touched him. He had felt it upon his shoulder in comfort and pride, on his body throwing him to the mat in hand-to-hand practice, stroking his face while recovering in an infirmary, and now holding it as a first step back in a long line of steps to be taken.
"What do you think?" Qui-Gon asked amused at the emotions playing thoughtfully across the younger man's face. Obi-Wan continued to stare at the hand marveling at its power and grace. Finally he broke his eyes away from it and met the other man's steady gaze.
"I think it is a beginning and all things are possible in the beginning." Qui-Gon sighed and laughed. The laughter though quickly evolved into sobs and he fell into the young man's arms.
Relief flooded him and he longed to reach for the bond but knew it would only remind him of his loss. He chose instead to be proud of the man in his arms, the man capable of lending comfort to one who had hurt him so badly, the man who was finding a way to accept the one who had rejected him.
He had refused to believe that he could ever lose Obi-Wan's love, but somehow he felt that he had. Tonight's talk had revealed many things and mended a few of the misunderstandings.
Obi-Wan held him. It felt odd to have their roles reversed so completely. He could feel the man's grief and longing. He could feel the man's acceptance and relief. He smiled as he tightened his grip around Qui-Gon and searched for his own feelings. He felt peaceful and calm. He felt strong and loved. He felt something he hadn't felt in a very long time. He felt hopeful. Hopeful that there would be no more broken promises between them as they both embraced the possibilities born in new beginnings.
The End. Sequel to Come...
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Thank you all for all the comments, reviews, support and patience. I have really enjoyed writing this and can't wait to get started on the next one. I have no idea what the title will be so just look for my name if you are interested. I will put in the summary that it is a sequel to this story. Thanks again for reading!!! A special thanks to my wonderful husband who is so supportive of me. He gets up everyday and faces the real world so that I can sit here and create my own. Thanks Topper. You are the best!!!!! Also I want to thank my son for putting up with a mom who has had her nose buried in her computer for the last few weeks. Thanks for you patience BA. I am the luckiest mom in the world!!!