This is a... friend's story. I beta for her. She doesn't know I'm posting it. Shh. It's her very first story and *constructive* criticism is welcome. Flames will be used to heat my home this coming winter.
Ah, you know how it is. It's George's world, we're just playin in it.
"I'm home," Obi-Wan called, entering the small house and putting his things on the dusty table. No response. "Deianira?" he called to his friend.
Deianira appeared in the doorway to her room and Obi-Wan noted she looked paler than usual. "Obi-Wan, ah, someone... someone came to see you when you were at work."
"And who was that?" Obi-Wan asked as he began to gather food for them for supper.
Deianira swallowed hard, clearly nervous. "It was... it was Qui-Gon, Obi."
Obi-Wan looked up sharply, dropping the bowl of fruit he was holding and scarcely noticing when it smashed to pieces beneath him. "What are you talking about?"
"He's come here. He wanted to talk to you, but I told him you were at-"
"How did he find me here? Why did he come?" Obi-Wan interrupted.
"I don't know, Obi-Wan," Deianira said almost pleadingly. "He wanted to see you, to talk to you."
"I can't believe this," Obi-Wan said quietly, shaking his head. Images of his former master flooded his head and he bit back the tears that always threatened to overflow when memories of Qui-Gon Jinn came to him. "Why would he come here, now, after a whole year? How?"
"He didn't tell me anything, Obi, only that he wanted to speak with you."
"Now he wants to speak to me," Obi-Wan spat bitterly.
"I, um... I told him to come back tomorrow morning, I knew you were off work and-"
"What?" Obi-Wan exclaimed, rushing to his friend. "You told him to come back here? Why?"
"I- I don't know. I thought you might want to speak to him," Deianira said in a small voice.
"Oh, Gods," Obi-Wan moaned. "What am I going to say to him?"
"Tell him what happened to you, Obi-Wan. Tell him what he did." Deianira lifted his tunic and traced the long scars that ran along his inner arms.
Obi-Wan shook his head. "I- I can't," he choked out. "Oh, how did he find me?" he asked again. "How could he have possibly found me?"
Deianira shook her head, not realizing it had been a rhetorical question. "I don't know, I didn't ask him. Why don't you go to bed for awhile? I'll fix us some food, all right?"
Obi-Wan nodded and quickly hugged his friend before heading to his small, dank room. He allowed the memories to come to him and cried silently as he thought of his last day with his master, the day before he ran.
*"I'm sorry, Obi-Wan, but I just don't think this is going to work any longer... not after-"
"Melida/Daan?" Obi-Wan supplied. "Please, Master, I know that I can prove myself to you, you just have to give me another chance-"
Qui-Gon bit his lip and shook his head. "I'm sorry," he repeated. "It is not the events of Melida/Daan that brought me to this decision. I betrayed you, too, Obi-Wan. I just don't think it is the will of the Force for you to be my padawan."
Everything in Obi-Wan screamed at him, but vocally he said nothing. How could that possibly be the will of the Force? Being seperated from Qui-Gon was the worst thing he could possibly imagine. He knew he could fix his mistakes, knew he could regain his master's trust and love.
"I'll... I'll begin searching for a new master for you tomorrow morning."
Obi-Wan nodded. "I'm... I'm sorry, mas- Qui-Gon."
"You should begin packing," Qui-Gon said as if Obi-Wan hadn't even spoken. He turned and went to his room without another word.
Obi-Wan ran to his room and found he could not even make it to his bed. His door clicked shut and he slid down it, hugging his knees to his chest as sobs wracked his body. They had been together for such a short time, but Obi-Wan felt a bond with Qui-Gon that was stronger than that of even a father and a son. It was something he didn't think he could live without, and he cursed himself for becoming so dependent.* Of course Qui-Gon does not want you, his thoughts taunted him. He needs someone more dedicated, more talented, more... everything. Everything you are not.
*He did not want another master. If Qui-Gon was not going to be the one to train him he did not want to be part of the Jedi Order at all. He would leave, he decided, take up residence on a far away planet. He could live his life away from the Temple, maybe escape some of the pain that was engulfing him now, swallowing his entire being until nothing was left. All because of Qui-Gon.*
Now Obi-Wan was a year older physically, but spiritually had the age of an old man. He had run, had come to the Outer Rim planet of Yavin, but found he could not escape that pain. And he found time did not lessen it. No, in fact the year that had passed since he left the Temple and his life as a Jedi forever had only given him time to dwell on it, had only magnified his agony. Why would he leave him? The only person Obi-Wan had ever opened himself to, ever let himself love, and he had abandoned him without a second thought.
Obi-Wan tried not to torment himself with memories of happier times, it would not console him but only make him feel worse. He curled into a tiny ball, closing his eyes tightly and attempting to sleep.
Deianira finished their dinner 20 minutes later and went to wake Obi-Wan. She found him still curled in the fetal position, a position he often slept it, and decided not to wake him. He needed the rest.
Obi-Wan awoke the next day to Deianira's persistent shaking of his shoulders. "Obi-Wan!" she called and his eyes fluttered open.
"Isn't it... it's... it's a bit early, isn't it?" he muttered, still disoriented from sleep.
"He's here, Obi-Wan."
Obi-Wan sat bolt upright in bed, completely awake with the utterance of those words. "He's here? Already? Qui-Gon... Qui-Gon is here?"
Deianira only nodded and Obi-Wan jumped up, pacing back and forth.
"I... I don't know if I can do this, Deianira. I don't think I can face him again... not after what he said to me, what he did..." Obi-Wan shook his head. "Not after what he did..." he repeated, unconciously running his hands up and down the scars exposed by his sleeveless sleeping clothes.
"Obi-Wan," Deinaira said firmly, putting her hands on his shoulders, "you're going to go out there. You have to face him."
"Why?" Obi-Wan asked with the insolence of a small child.
"Because you won't be able to live with yourself if you don't."
Obi-Wan sighed. Sometimes Deinaira was so perceptive he wondered if she, too, was Force-sensitive. "I- I don't know what to say to him."
*********************************
"I can't do this," Qui-Gon went to the front door of the small house where his friend was waiting outside.
"Qui-Gon, you haven't been searching for him for six months to turn back now," Mace Windu replied calmly.
Qui-Gon shook his head miserably. "He hates me, Mace. After I rejected him.. what I did to him... he hates me, I can feel it. I should have stayed with him-" Qui-Gon forced down a sob.
"That's why you're here."
"No, he won't... he won't care. He'll reject me just as I rejected him."
"Here he comes." Qui-Gon spun around at Mace's words to see Obi-Wan emerging into the small room.
"Obi-Wan..." Qui-Gon began.
"What do you want?" Obi-Wan asked him coldy, folding his arms over his chest defensively.
Qui-Gon fought against his tears. "I... I know you don't want to see me, Obi, but I-"
"My name," Obi-Wan stated, "is Obi-Wan Kenobi."
Qui-Gon nodded. "Well, Obi-Wan, I've been... I've been searching for you for half a year.. I just wanted to say that.. that I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done what I did, shouldn't have let you go-"
Obi-Wan scoffed bitterly. "You're sorry? Yes, great Jedi Master, I accept your apology. I will fall to your feet, follow you around just as I've done before. Just like that." He shook his head. "It doesn't work like that any more, Qui-Gon. I don't need you. I don't want you. Do you know what you've done to me?"
"I know you've gone through a lot of pain, Obi-Wan-"
"Pain?" Obi-Wan's voice was higher than usual. "Pain does not even begin to describe it, Jinn! You were everything to me, don't you understand that? Everything! Do you know what I did after I left?" Before Qui-Gon could respond he bared his inner arms, showing the scars lacing up and down them. "I didn't want to live anymore, Qui-Gon. I still don't sometimes. When you left me you took my very essence!"
Qui-Gon shook his head, tears dangerously close to spilling over. "Obi-Wan, please, I want to-"
"No," Obi-Wan said in a much lower voice. "This is not about what you want. You were the only person I trusted, the only one I loved, Qui-Gon. And you left me. I tried to prove myself to you, tried to-" his voice broke as a sob came forth. "Tried to show you I was worthy, but it was never enough. And you left me. You didn't care, you never cared."
"Why do you think I am here?"
"To make excuses so you can live with yourself," Obi-Wan spat immediately. "So you can tell yourself you didn't ruin my life, destroy my soul. So you can tell yourself you did all you could. So you can sleep at night telling yourself you didn't completely annhilate me. I can tell you outright, Qui-Gon, you did all of those things and so much more."
"Please, Obi-Wan, if you'll just listen to me-"
"No! Don't you think I know what I did?" Obi-Wan screamed at him, tears running down his face. "I know I should have stayed with you, Qui-Gon! I've payed for my mistakes, I'm sitll paying for them every day! I don't need you to come here and cause me more pain!"
"That's not what I'm here to do."
"Why, then? Why have you come here?" Obi-Wan couldn't resist his curiosity now.
Qui-Gon took a few cautious steps toward Obi-Wan. "Because I want to pay for my mistakes."
"What are you talking about?" Obi-Wan fought to keep up his cold exterior.
"Obi-Wan, not a day has gone by when I haven't regretted this decision, haven't thought about you. When you stayed on Melida/Daan, it... it was just as it was with Xanatos. I felt... betrayed. I couldn't take that kind of pain again, so I shut myself off."
"You told me this wasn't because of Melida/Daan."
"Not entirely. I was afraid even before that, Obi-Wan. I felt a bond with you from the moment I met you and it scared me, because I didn't want to get hurt again. I couldn't get hurt again." Qui-Gon paused, waiting for any kind of reaction from Obi-Wan.
"Go on." Obi-Wan's voice betrayed no emotion.
"You were... you were like a son to me, Obi-Wan. In ways Xanatos never was. I'm sorry it took so long for me to realize it. That's all I can say."
There was silence for a few moments- moments that felt like an eternity to Qui-Gon. "I'll be right back," Obi-Wan finally said and disappeared into his bedroom.
"You don't deserve him."
Qui-Gon spun to face Deianira. "I know that," he said as calmy as he could manage. "But I had to try."
"He's lying to you, you know," Deianira said as she began walking circles around the edge of the small room. "He does need you, Master Jinn."
"As I need him," Qui-Gon replied, again trying to choke down his emotions.
Deinira shook her head, scoffing bitterly. "Why did you leave him, then?"
"I made a mistake," Qui-Gon said shakily. "The worst mistake I have ever made in my life. I... I had to come here, if only to see him one more time. I can't live with myself anymore."
"Perhaps you don't understand just how deeply he cares about you, Master Jinn," Deianira froze and looked him in the eyes, not at all intimidated by the large man. "He was taken from his parents as an infant, just like any other would-be Jedi. But he was rejected, time and again. He had no one. But then... then you came to him. Rejected him first, but he persisted, because he loves you, Qui-Gon. Just as he would his own father. But you... you tossed him away." Deianira shook her head, scoffing bitterly. "He's an amazing person, Jinn, and you do not deserve him." She turned and left the house just as Obi-Wan reemerged from his room.
He held out his hand and Qui-Gon gasped. "Yes, I kept it," Obi-Wan said in a low voice, wrapping his fingers around the stone again. "Do you remember when you gave it to me?"
Qui-Gon nodded. "Your 13th birthday."
"Happiest time in my life," Obi-Wan said with a kind of burning honesty, one that again had Qui-Gon fighting to control his emotions. "You finally accepted me, and what's more, this stone showed me that you cared about me. More than I ever would have hoped for."
Qui-Gon was silent, waiting to see where Obi-Wan would take his story.
"You were more than my Master, Qui-Gon. You were my father, my best friend. You were everything to me, don't you understand that?" Obi-Wan's eyes filled with tears as he stared up at Qui-Gon.
"I- I know, Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon was finally unable to control them and the tears came, much too fast. He buried his face in his hands, shoulders shaking.
Obi-Wan looked at him, wide-eyed, clutching the stone even more tightly. He wanted so badly to be furious with Qui-Gon as he had been initially but felt his anger rapidly dissipating as the man in front of him sobbed. "Qui-Gon? Are you-"
"Please, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon interrupted with a shaky breath, wiping his tears away. "Let me say this, please. I will leave then."
Obi-Wan only nodded, indicating for him to continue.
"When I first encountered you at the Temple, when you were to become a padawan learner, I was... I was afraid, Obi-Wan. Afraid because I felt such a bond with you, a bond I hadn't felt since Xanatos and one I thought I would never experience again. I tried to shut myself off, keep myself from that kind of pain again. But you... you just wouldn't let me. Always so damned determined." Qui-Gon managed a small smile. "I knew I couldn't leave you, knew I must take you as my padawan. But I... when you stayed on Melida/Daan, I felt it again. Felt the betrayal, only it was so much worse the second time around. I couldn't- I didn't-" He choked on his words as another sob burst forth from his mouth.
They stood opposite each other for a few moments, the only sounds Qui-Gon's quiet crying, before Obi-Wan stepped a few feet closer to him. "I never meant to betray you, Qui-Gon. I just... I thought it was the right thing to do. I never meant to... to..." Obi-Wan, too, began to cry, but he quickly suppressed it. He closed his eyes, attempted to touch the bond he had once had with Qui-Gon. A year had passed and he still had not been able to completely pull the man from his mind. He felt only sincerity, sincerity and a deep sorrow, just as strong as any emotion Obi-Wan had felt in the time passed and maybe stronger. He was suddenly flooded with the emotions so strongly he almost collapsed to the ground. He realized with wonder that Qui-Gon had put down all his shields, shields that had stood for decades, and allowed Obi-Wan to probe the depths of his psyche. Obi-Wan touched it lightly, careful not to seem intrusive, and knew the only thing he could do was repay trust with trust. With considerable efforts, he broke down every one of his shields, allowing Qui-Gon in.
Qui-Gon saw everything. The night he had come to Yavin, living on the streets. The memories he tortured himself with. Everything he thought and felt came across their bond, and perhaps worst of all the night Obi-Wan had taken his life into his own hands, wielding a long knife and cutting up and down his arms. Qui-Gon was certain he could feel the blood running down his own arms, the confusing mix of agony and redemption Obi-Wan felt, as though he deserved it. Because Qui-Gon had made him feel that way, feel that he did not deserve to live because of his rejection. Qui-Gon's eyes flew open and he found Obi-Wan staring at him intently, face streaked with tears.
"Well?" was all Obi-Wan said, a mixture of hope and bitterness.
"Obi-Wan, I... to know I made you feel like that, it's- I don't deserve you," he repeated Deianira's comments. "I shouldn't have put you through that kind of pain. I was supposed to protect you from that." Qui-Gon shook his head, tears coming again. "I'm sorry, Obi-Wan. I've failed you. I will leave you now, but I just- I had to see you one last time." He turned, starting towards the door.
Obi-Wan was overcome with a feeling much like the one when Qui-Gon had informed him he would no longer be his padawan- the sense that everything about it was wrong. Almost without conscious thought, controlled only by that emotion, he grasped Qui-Gon's arm. "Don't."
Qui-Gon turned back to him slowly, eyes widening as he felt a bit more of Obi-Wan's emotions. "Don't what?" He tried his best not to let his hope rise.
"Don't," Obi-Wan repeated, shaking his head. "Don't leave me again, Master, please..." He suddenly wrapped his arms around Qui-Gon's waist tightly, crying into his tunics.
Qui-Gon was overcome by a wave of relief so strong his knees almost buckled. He looked up and found Mace watching them through the window with a large grin. Qui-Gon managed a small smile before kissing the top of Obi-Wan's head, running a hand over the now-long hair. "I won't, Obi-Wan, never again. Never again, my padawan, I promise you..."
Obi-Wan let out a deep breath he hadn't even realized he was holding at the word padawan. "I want to go home," he mumbled.
"I know, padawan. I know. My Padawan..." Qui-Gon mumbled it into Obi-Wan's hair, almost as if he were trying to get himself to believe it again.
"What about the council? Will they approve? Force knows we've had problems with them in the past..." Obi-Wan pulled away from Qui-Gon, wiping at his eyes.
Qui-Gon indicated towards the window where Mace Windu was watching them. Obi-Wan spotted him and flashed a wide, relieved smiled as he waved at him. "He's the one who made me come here," Qui-Gon informed him as Mace let himself into the house.
"How are you two?" he asked them.
Qui-Gon smiled fondly at Obi-Wan. "Good. We're... good."
"I'm glad to hear it. Will you be ready to leave by tomorrow morning, Obi-Wan?"
Obi-Wan frowned as thoughts of all the friends he had made in the past year- Deianira particularly- flooded his mind. "I think so, Master Windu. But I would like tonight to say goodbye to my friends, if you don't mind."
"Of course not." Mace capped his right shoulder with his large hand and looked up at Qui-Gon. "We'll spend the night on the ship and come to get you tomorrow."
"Thank you," Obi-Wan replied, bowing before turning back to Qui-Gon. "I'll see you tomorrow?" He felt something inside him, telling him his master would not come back for him but suppressed it, knowing how foolish and paranoid it was.
Qui-Gon smiled. "Of course, Ben," he said, pulling him into another tight hug before leaving with Mace.
Obi-Wan did not inquire about his new nickname, assuming Qui-Gon would tell him in due time. He turned, approaching Deianira's room, and knocked softly. She answered almost instantly. "Are they gone?"
Obi-Wan only nodded.
"Good. How are you? Did he hurt you?"
Obi-Wan smiled, touched by his friend's concern. "He didn't hurt me. Quite the opposite- I think I can finally overcome my injuries." Deianira only stared up at him, puzzled. "I'm... I'm going back, Deianira. To Coruscant."
Deianira gasped and took a step back. "But... but why?"
"I am his padawan once again," Obi-Wan couldn't help a small smile though he felt tremendously guilty that his friend was so hurt. "I'm going back to the Temple. I know you think-"
Deianira shook her head, stopping any words he was forming. "He betrayed you, Obi-Wan. Why would you possibly want to go back to him? You know he'll only do the same thing again, in time, don't you? Don't be so foolish!"
"He won't." Obi-Wan truly felt the conviction in his words. "You don't understand the connection we have, Deianira, I can feel it."
"You're a fool," Deianira said in a low voice. "Why can't you just accept the life you have now?"
"Because it is not what I'm meant to do. I'm so sorry, Deianira. You've been the best friend I've ever had for this year, but I just... I must go back. I love you like a sister, but this... this is my destiny. You must understand that."
Deianira slammed the door in his face and Obi-Wan felt a wave of sadness wash over him. He had hoped his best friend would be happy for him, though in the back of his mind knew it was just too much to want. Deianira was hurt and she masked that with anger. Obi-Wan knew he would never see her again and the last thing he wanted to do was leave her on such terms, but getting through to her would simply take too much time. "I'm sorry," he whispered, knowing she heard through her door.
He left their small house then, going to say goodbye to several other friends, all of which wished him well. He had never gotten too close to any of them except Deianira and they were happy for him, happy to see him return to his former life. He got home earlier than he expected and found that Deianira was still in her room. He sighed, and with a heavy heart began packing his few belongings. He found his Jedi robes and his lightsabre buried away and smiled- it was the first time he had been able to take them out without feeling a surge of pain. He clipped his lightsabre back on his belt before changing into his sleeping clothes, slipping into his bed one last time.
He woke early, eager to get back to the ship and was surprised at his own emotions. Not one inkling of distrust or resentment towards Qui-Gon was left; he had released it into the Force and was perfectly ready to resume his life with his master. Obi-Wan entered the kitchen and knocked on Deianira's door. He got no response and opened the door, seeing the room was empty. She's already gone to work, he thought sadly. He would never get to say goodbye.
He ate a small breakfast of fruit and soon Qui-Gon came knocking. "Are you ready?"
Obi-Wan nodded, smiling at him and going to pick up his things. Qui-Gon followed him to his room. "Did you say goodbye to your friends?"
"All but one," Obi-Wan replied quietly. "I tried."
"Deianira's angry at you," Qui-Gon said softly. A statement, not a question.
"She thinks I'm a fool," Obi-Wan informed him, struggling to contain his emotions. Closing his eyes, he released some of his sadness into the Force. "She says that you will abandon me again."
There was a long pause. "I will never abandon you, Obi-Wan."
"I didn't say I believed her," Obi-Wan said hastily, opening his eyes and looking up at him as he slung his pack over his shoulder. "I'm just... I'm going to miss her. She was my only real friend. I know she only got angry because she's sad, but... I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye to her. I'm going to have to now, it's just..." he gestured widely with his hand as if that would help him to better explain. He scoffed, eyes bright with unshed tears.
"I understand." Qui-Gon smiled sadly and sympathetically. "I'm sorry, Obi-Wan."
"Don't be," Obi-Wan shook his head and turned his back for a moment, fiercely willing his tears not to slip down his cheeks. "I'm a very resiliant person." He forced a smile up at Qui-Gon. "Please, let's just go. I want to go home, Master."
Ah, you know how it is. It's George's world, we're just playin in it.
"I'm home," Obi-Wan called, entering the small house and putting his things on the dusty table. No response. "Deianira?" he called to his friend.
Deianira appeared in the doorway to her room and Obi-Wan noted she looked paler than usual. "Obi-Wan, ah, someone... someone came to see you when you were at work."
"And who was that?" Obi-Wan asked as he began to gather food for them for supper.
Deianira swallowed hard, clearly nervous. "It was... it was Qui-Gon, Obi."
Obi-Wan looked up sharply, dropping the bowl of fruit he was holding and scarcely noticing when it smashed to pieces beneath him. "What are you talking about?"
"He's come here. He wanted to talk to you, but I told him you were at-"
"How did he find me here? Why did he come?" Obi-Wan interrupted.
"I don't know, Obi-Wan," Deianira said almost pleadingly. "He wanted to see you, to talk to you."
"I can't believe this," Obi-Wan said quietly, shaking his head. Images of his former master flooded his head and he bit back the tears that always threatened to overflow when memories of Qui-Gon Jinn came to him. "Why would he come here, now, after a whole year? How?"
"He didn't tell me anything, Obi, only that he wanted to speak with you."
"Now he wants to speak to me," Obi-Wan spat bitterly.
"I, um... I told him to come back tomorrow morning, I knew you were off work and-"
"What?" Obi-Wan exclaimed, rushing to his friend. "You told him to come back here? Why?"
"I- I don't know. I thought you might want to speak to him," Deianira said in a small voice.
"Oh, Gods," Obi-Wan moaned. "What am I going to say to him?"
"Tell him what happened to you, Obi-Wan. Tell him what he did." Deianira lifted his tunic and traced the long scars that ran along his inner arms.
Obi-Wan shook his head. "I- I can't," he choked out. "Oh, how did he find me?" he asked again. "How could he have possibly found me?"
Deianira shook her head, not realizing it had been a rhetorical question. "I don't know, I didn't ask him. Why don't you go to bed for awhile? I'll fix us some food, all right?"
Obi-Wan nodded and quickly hugged his friend before heading to his small, dank room. He allowed the memories to come to him and cried silently as he thought of his last day with his master, the day before he ran.
*"I'm sorry, Obi-Wan, but I just don't think this is going to work any longer... not after-"
"Melida/Daan?" Obi-Wan supplied. "Please, Master, I know that I can prove myself to you, you just have to give me another chance-"
Qui-Gon bit his lip and shook his head. "I'm sorry," he repeated. "It is not the events of Melida/Daan that brought me to this decision. I betrayed you, too, Obi-Wan. I just don't think it is the will of the Force for you to be my padawan."
Everything in Obi-Wan screamed at him, but vocally he said nothing. How could that possibly be the will of the Force? Being seperated from Qui-Gon was the worst thing he could possibly imagine. He knew he could fix his mistakes, knew he could regain his master's trust and love.
"I'll... I'll begin searching for a new master for you tomorrow morning."
Obi-Wan nodded. "I'm... I'm sorry, mas- Qui-Gon."
"You should begin packing," Qui-Gon said as if Obi-Wan hadn't even spoken. He turned and went to his room without another word.
Obi-Wan ran to his room and found he could not even make it to his bed. His door clicked shut and he slid down it, hugging his knees to his chest as sobs wracked his body. They had been together for such a short time, but Obi-Wan felt a bond with Qui-Gon that was stronger than that of even a father and a son. It was something he didn't think he could live without, and he cursed himself for becoming so dependent.* Of course Qui-Gon does not want you, his thoughts taunted him. He needs someone more dedicated, more talented, more... everything. Everything you are not.
*He did not want another master. If Qui-Gon was not going to be the one to train him he did not want to be part of the Jedi Order at all. He would leave, he decided, take up residence on a far away planet. He could live his life away from the Temple, maybe escape some of the pain that was engulfing him now, swallowing his entire being until nothing was left. All because of Qui-Gon.*
Now Obi-Wan was a year older physically, but spiritually had the age of an old man. He had run, had come to the Outer Rim planet of Yavin, but found he could not escape that pain. And he found time did not lessen it. No, in fact the year that had passed since he left the Temple and his life as a Jedi forever had only given him time to dwell on it, had only magnified his agony. Why would he leave him? The only person Obi-Wan had ever opened himself to, ever let himself love, and he had abandoned him without a second thought.
Obi-Wan tried not to torment himself with memories of happier times, it would not console him but only make him feel worse. He curled into a tiny ball, closing his eyes tightly and attempting to sleep.
Deianira finished their dinner 20 minutes later and went to wake Obi-Wan. She found him still curled in the fetal position, a position he often slept it, and decided not to wake him. He needed the rest.
Obi-Wan awoke the next day to Deianira's persistent shaking of his shoulders. "Obi-Wan!" she called and his eyes fluttered open.
"Isn't it... it's... it's a bit early, isn't it?" he muttered, still disoriented from sleep.
"He's here, Obi-Wan."
Obi-Wan sat bolt upright in bed, completely awake with the utterance of those words. "He's here? Already? Qui-Gon... Qui-Gon is here?"
Deianira only nodded and Obi-Wan jumped up, pacing back and forth.
"I... I don't know if I can do this, Deianira. I don't think I can face him again... not after what he said to me, what he did..." Obi-Wan shook his head. "Not after what he did..." he repeated, unconciously running his hands up and down the scars exposed by his sleeveless sleeping clothes.
"Obi-Wan," Deinaira said firmly, putting her hands on his shoulders, "you're going to go out there. You have to face him."
"Why?" Obi-Wan asked with the insolence of a small child.
"Because you won't be able to live with yourself if you don't."
Obi-Wan sighed. Sometimes Deinaira was so perceptive he wondered if she, too, was Force-sensitive. "I- I don't know what to say to him."
*********************************
"I can't do this," Qui-Gon went to the front door of the small house where his friend was waiting outside.
"Qui-Gon, you haven't been searching for him for six months to turn back now," Mace Windu replied calmly.
Qui-Gon shook his head miserably. "He hates me, Mace. After I rejected him.. what I did to him... he hates me, I can feel it. I should have stayed with him-" Qui-Gon forced down a sob.
"That's why you're here."
"No, he won't... he won't care. He'll reject me just as I rejected him."
"Here he comes." Qui-Gon spun around at Mace's words to see Obi-Wan emerging into the small room.
"Obi-Wan..." Qui-Gon began.
"What do you want?" Obi-Wan asked him coldy, folding his arms over his chest defensively.
Qui-Gon fought against his tears. "I... I know you don't want to see me, Obi, but I-"
"My name," Obi-Wan stated, "is Obi-Wan Kenobi."
Qui-Gon nodded. "Well, Obi-Wan, I've been... I've been searching for you for half a year.. I just wanted to say that.. that I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done what I did, shouldn't have let you go-"
Obi-Wan scoffed bitterly. "You're sorry? Yes, great Jedi Master, I accept your apology. I will fall to your feet, follow you around just as I've done before. Just like that." He shook his head. "It doesn't work like that any more, Qui-Gon. I don't need you. I don't want you. Do you know what you've done to me?"
"I know you've gone through a lot of pain, Obi-Wan-"
"Pain?" Obi-Wan's voice was higher than usual. "Pain does not even begin to describe it, Jinn! You were everything to me, don't you understand that? Everything! Do you know what I did after I left?" Before Qui-Gon could respond he bared his inner arms, showing the scars lacing up and down them. "I didn't want to live anymore, Qui-Gon. I still don't sometimes. When you left me you took my very essence!"
Qui-Gon shook his head, tears dangerously close to spilling over. "Obi-Wan, please, I want to-"
"No," Obi-Wan said in a much lower voice. "This is not about what you want. You were the only person I trusted, the only one I loved, Qui-Gon. And you left me. I tried to prove myself to you, tried to-" his voice broke as a sob came forth. "Tried to show you I was worthy, but it was never enough. And you left me. You didn't care, you never cared."
"Why do you think I am here?"
"To make excuses so you can live with yourself," Obi-Wan spat immediately. "So you can tell yourself you didn't ruin my life, destroy my soul. So you can tell yourself you did all you could. So you can sleep at night telling yourself you didn't completely annhilate me. I can tell you outright, Qui-Gon, you did all of those things and so much more."
"Please, Obi-Wan, if you'll just listen to me-"
"No! Don't you think I know what I did?" Obi-Wan screamed at him, tears running down his face. "I know I should have stayed with you, Qui-Gon! I've payed for my mistakes, I'm sitll paying for them every day! I don't need you to come here and cause me more pain!"
"That's not what I'm here to do."
"Why, then? Why have you come here?" Obi-Wan couldn't resist his curiosity now.
Qui-Gon took a few cautious steps toward Obi-Wan. "Because I want to pay for my mistakes."
"What are you talking about?" Obi-Wan fought to keep up his cold exterior.
"Obi-Wan, not a day has gone by when I haven't regretted this decision, haven't thought about you. When you stayed on Melida/Daan, it... it was just as it was with Xanatos. I felt... betrayed. I couldn't take that kind of pain again, so I shut myself off."
"You told me this wasn't because of Melida/Daan."
"Not entirely. I was afraid even before that, Obi-Wan. I felt a bond with you from the moment I met you and it scared me, because I didn't want to get hurt again. I couldn't get hurt again." Qui-Gon paused, waiting for any kind of reaction from Obi-Wan.
"Go on." Obi-Wan's voice betrayed no emotion.
"You were... you were like a son to me, Obi-Wan. In ways Xanatos never was. I'm sorry it took so long for me to realize it. That's all I can say."
There was silence for a few moments- moments that felt like an eternity to Qui-Gon. "I'll be right back," Obi-Wan finally said and disappeared into his bedroom.
"You don't deserve him."
Qui-Gon spun to face Deianira. "I know that," he said as calmy as he could manage. "But I had to try."
"He's lying to you, you know," Deianira said as she began walking circles around the edge of the small room. "He does need you, Master Jinn."
"As I need him," Qui-Gon replied, again trying to choke down his emotions.
Deinira shook her head, scoffing bitterly. "Why did you leave him, then?"
"I made a mistake," Qui-Gon said shakily. "The worst mistake I have ever made in my life. I... I had to come here, if only to see him one more time. I can't live with myself anymore."
"Perhaps you don't understand just how deeply he cares about you, Master Jinn," Deianira froze and looked him in the eyes, not at all intimidated by the large man. "He was taken from his parents as an infant, just like any other would-be Jedi. But he was rejected, time and again. He had no one. But then... then you came to him. Rejected him first, but he persisted, because he loves you, Qui-Gon. Just as he would his own father. But you... you tossed him away." Deianira shook her head, scoffing bitterly. "He's an amazing person, Jinn, and you do not deserve him." She turned and left the house just as Obi-Wan reemerged from his room.
He held out his hand and Qui-Gon gasped. "Yes, I kept it," Obi-Wan said in a low voice, wrapping his fingers around the stone again. "Do you remember when you gave it to me?"
Qui-Gon nodded. "Your 13th birthday."
"Happiest time in my life," Obi-Wan said with a kind of burning honesty, one that again had Qui-Gon fighting to control his emotions. "You finally accepted me, and what's more, this stone showed me that you cared about me. More than I ever would have hoped for."
Qui-Gon was silent, waiting to see where Obi-Wan would take his story.
"You were more than my Master, Qui-Gon. You were my father, my best friend. You were everything to me, don't you understand that?" Obi-Wan's eyes filled with tears as he stared up at Qui-Gon.
"I- I know, Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon was finally unable to control them and the tears came, much too fast. He buried his face in his hands, shoulders shaking.
Obi-Wan looked at him, wide-eyed, clutching the stone even more tightly. He wanted so badly to be furious with Qui-Gon as he had been initially but felt his anger rapidly dissipating as the man in front of him sobbed. "Qui-Gon? Are you-"
"Please, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon interrupted with a shaky breath, wiping his tears away. "Let me say this, please. I will leave then."
Obi-Wan only nodded, indicating for him to continue.
"When I first encountered you at the Temple, when you were to become a padawan learner, I was... I was afraid, Obi-Wan. Afraid because I felt such a bond with you, a bond I hadn't felt since Xanatos and one I thought I would never experience again. I tried to shut myself off, keep myself from that kind of pain again. But you... you just wouldn't let me. Always so damned determined." Qui-Gon managed a small smile. "I knew I couldn't leave you, knew I must take you as my padawan. But I... when you stayed on Melida/Daan, I felt it again. Felt the betrayal, only it was so much worse the second time around. I couldn't- I didn't-" He choked on his words as another sob burst forth from his mouth.
They stood opposite each other for a few moments, the only sounds Qui-Gon's quiet crying, before Obi-Wan stepped a few feet closer to him. "I never meant to betray you, Qui-Gon. I just... I thought it was the right thing to do. I never meant to... to..." Obi-Wan, too, began to cry, but he quickly suppressed it. He closed his eyes, attempted to touch the bond he had once had with Qui-Gon. A year had passed and he still had not been able to completely pull the man from his mind. He felt only sincerity, sincerity and a deep sorrow, just as strong as any emotion Obi-Wan had felt in the time passed and maybe stronger. He was suddenly flooded with the emotions so strongly he almost collapsed to the ground. He realized with wonder that Qui-Gon had put down all his shields, shields that had stood for decades, and allowed Obi-Wan to probe the depths of his psyche. Obi-Wan touched it lightly, careful not to seem intrusive, and knew the only thing he could do was repay trust with trust. With considerable efforts, he broke down every one of his shields, allowing Qui-Gon in.
Qui-Gon saw everything. The night he had come to Yavin, living on the streets. The memories he tortured himself with. Everything he thought and felt came across their bond, and perhaps worst of all the night Obi-Wan had taken his life into his own hands, wielding a long knife and cutting up and down his arms. Qui-Gon was certain he could feel the blood running down his own arms, the confusing mix of agony and redemption Obi-Wan felt, as though he deserved it. Because Qui-Gon had made him feel that way, feel that he did not deserve to live because of his rejection. Qui-Gon's eyes flew open and he found Obi-Wan staring at him intently, face streaked with tears.
"Well?" was all Obi-Wan said, a mixture of hope and bitterness.
"Obi-Wan, I... to know I made you feel like that, it's- I don't deserve you," he repeated Deianira's comments. "I shouldn't have put you through that kind of pain. I was supposed to protect you from that." Qui-Gon shook his head, tears coming again. "I'm sorry, Obi-Wan. I've failed you. I will leave you now, but I just- I had to see you one last time." He turned, starting towards the door.
Obi-Wan was overcome with a feeling much like the one when Qui-Gon had informed him he would no longer be his padawan- the sense that everything about it was wrong. Almost without conscious thought, controlled only by that emotion, he grasped Qui-Gon's arm. "Don't."
Qui-Gon turned back to him slowly, eyes widening as he felt a bit more of Obi-Wan's emotions. "Don't what?" He tried his best not to let his hope rise.
"Don't," Obi-Wan repeated, shaking his head. "Don't leave me again, Master, please..." He suddenly wrapped his arms around Qui-Gon's waist tightly, crying into his tunics.
Qui-Gon was overcome by a wave of relief so strong his knees almost buckled. He looked up and found Mace watching them through the window with a large grin. Qui-Gon managed a small smile before kissing the top of Obi-Wan's head, running a hand over the now-long hair. "I won't, Obi-Wan, never again. Never again, my padawan, I promise you..."
Obi-Wan let out a deep breath he hadn't even realized he was holding at the word padawan. "I want to go home," he mumbled.
"I know, padawan. I know. My Padawan..." Qui-Gon mumbled it into Obi-Wan's hair, almost as if he were trying to get himself to believe it again.
"What about the council? Will they approve? Force knows we've had problems with them in the past..." Obi-Wan pulled away from Qui-Gon, wiping at his eyes.
Qui-Gon indicated towards the window where Mace Windu was watching them. Obi-Wan spotted him and flashed a wide, relieved smiled as he waved at him. "He's the one who made me come here," Qui-Gon informed him as Mace let himself into the house.
"How are you two?" he asked them.
Qui-Gon smiled fondly at Obi-Wan. "Good. We're... good."
"I'm glad to hear it. Will you be ready to leave by tomorrow morning, Obi-Wan?"
Obi-Wan frowned as thoughts of all the friends he had made in the past year- Deianira particularly- flooded his mind. "I think so, Master Windu. But I would like tonight to say goodbye to my friends, if you don't mind."
"Of course not." Mace capped his right shoulder with his large hand and looked up at Qui-Gon. "We'll spend the night on the ship and come to get you tomorrow."
"Thank you," Obi-Wan replied, bowing before turning back to Qui-Gon. "I'll see you tomorrow?" He felt something inside him, telling him his master would not come back for him but suppressed it, knowing how foolish and paranoid it was.
Qui-Gon smiled. "Of course, Ben," he said, pulling him into another tight hug before leaving with Mace.
Obi-Wan did not inquire about his new nickname, assuming Qui-Gon would tell him in due time. He turned, approaching Deianira's room, and knocked softly. She answered almost instantly. "Are they gone?"
Obi-Wan only nodded.
"Good. How are you? Did he hurt you?"
Obi-Wan smiled, touched by his friend's concern. "He didn't hurt me. Quite the opposite- I think I can finally overcome my injuries." Deianira only stared up at him, puzzled. "I'm... I'm going back, Deianira. To Coruscant."
Deianira gasped and took a step back. "But... but why?"
"I am his padawan once again," Obi-Wan couldn't help a small smile though he felt tremendously guilty that his friend was so hurt. "I'm going back to the Temple. I know you think-"
Deianira shook her head, stopping any words he was forming. "He betrayed you, Obi-Wan. Why would you possibly want to go back to him? You know he'll only do the same thing again, in time, don't you? Don't be so foolish!"
"He won't." Obi-Wan truly felt the conviction in his words. "You don't understand the connection we have, Deianira, I can feel it."
"You're a fool," Deianira said in a low voice. "Why can't you just accept the life you have now?"
"Because it is not what I'm meant to do. I'm so sorry, Deianira. You've been the best friend I've ever had for this year, but I just... I must go back. I love you like a sister, but this... this is my destiny. You must understand that."
Deianira slammed the door in his face and Obi-Wan felt a wave of sadness wash over him. He had hoped his best friend would be happy for him, though in the back of his mind knew it was just too much to want. Deianira was hurt and she masked that with anger. Obi-Wan knew he would never see her again and the last thing he wanted to do was leave her on such terms, but getting through to her would simply take too much time. "I'm sorry," he whispered, knowing she heard through her door.
He left their small house then, going to say goodbye to several other friends, all of which wished him well. He had never gotten too close to any of them except Deianira and they were happy for him, happy to see him return to his former life. He got home earlier than he expected and found that Deianira was still in her room. He sighed, and with a heavy heart began packing his few belongings. He found his Jedi robes and his lightsabre buried away and smiled- it was the first time he had been able to take them out without feeling a surge of pain. He clipped his lightsabre back on his belt before changing into his sleeping clothes, slipping into his bed one last time.
He woke early, eager to get back to the ship and was surprised at his own emotions. Not one inkling of distrust or resentment towards Qui-Gon was left; he had released it into the Force and was perfectly ready to resume his life with his master. Obi-Wan entered the kitchen and knocked on Deianira's door. He got no response and opened the door, seeing the room was empty. She's already gone to work, he thought sadly. He would never get to say goodbye.
He ate a small breakfast of fruit and soon Qui-Gon came knocking. "Are you ready?"
Obi-Wan nodded, smiling at him and going to pick up his things. Qui-Gon followed him to his room. "Did you say goodbye to your friends?"
"All but one," Obi-Wan replied quietly. "I tried."
"Deianira's angry at you," Qui-Gon said softly. A statement, not a question.
"She thinks I'm a fool," Obi-Wan informed him, struggling to contain his emotions. Closing his eyes, he released some of his sadness into the Force. "She says that you will abandon me again."
There was a long pause. "I will never abandon you, Obi-Wan."
"I didn't say I believed her," Obi-Wan said hastily, opening his eyes and looking up at him as he slung his pack over his shoulder. "I'm just... I'm going to miss her. She was my only real friend. I know she only got angry because she's sad, but... I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye to her. I'm going to have to now, it's just..." he gestured widely with his hand as if that would help him to better explain. He scoffed, eyes bright with unshed tears.
"I understand." Qui-Gon smiled sadly and sympathetically. "I'm sorry, Obi-Wan."
"Don't be," Obi-Wan shook his head and turned his back for a moment, fiercely willing his tears not to slip down his cheeks. "I'm a very resiliant person." He forced a smile up at Qui-Gon. "Please, let's just go. I want to go home, Master."