N: We begin our story at the Pizza Parlour where Speedy, the courageous leader, has made a startling discovery...
Speedy: (beaming with pride) This shirt is a hundred percent cotton! TOUCH IT! It so soft and 'cottony'!
Polly: (unimpressed) Is your brain leaking again? Or are you seriously trying to gross me out!
Lucille: (who just popped in to visit) I think your new shirt looks really nice on you, Speedy.
Speedy: (with puppy-dog eyes) Oh Lucille!
Lucille: (gazing) Oh Speedy!
Polly: Oh HELL!
(Sticks her finger in her mouth, as a way of saying 'yuck!')
Polly: I'm going to see if there's anything to do over here now...(walks over to the cash register where Guido's standing)
Guido: (giving her a furtive look) What's da' matter Polly, jealous?
Polly: (slaps him on the head) NO! That thing with me and Speedy is so old. He can pucker up to Lucille all he wants...
Guido: (teasing) Your 'cuuurrraaazzzeee' for him!
Polly: Am not...
Guido: Are so...
Polly: Am NOT!
Guido: Are SO TIMES A THOUSAND!
Polly: (losing her temper) OKAY! THAT'S IT!
(Al appears over the intercom)
Guido: (being choked by Polly yet again) Look behind you Polly...ahhgg! It's AL! We gotta go talk to him! NOW WOULD BE A FANTASTIC TIME!
Polly: Guido, do you remember the time you told me Garfield was behind me?
Guido: (choking) But –
Polly: And the time the President had his PANTS down behind me?
Guido: BUT –
Polly: AND –
Al:(interrupting) POLLY! GUIDO! Get your tails over here, now! I'm not going to deliver this important information twice!
(Polly unhands Guido)
Guido: Told ya Al was behind you. Now you made him mad. Shame on you, Polly!
Polly: GRRRRRRRRRR!
(At the intercom…)
Speedy, Polly, Guido: What's up Big Al?
Al: As I was saying before, I have important information!
Speedy: (mumbling to Guido) Geez, like we didn't see that one comin'.
Guido: (mumbling back) Bet you ten bucks he wants us to save the city from an evil robot!
Speedy: Deal!
N: Smart move, Speedy. Name one time you HAVEN'T been called to save the city from a robot?
Speedy: (angry) Who asked you!
Al: Big Cheese has done it again! He's built another expensive robot that's slashing the special effects budget.
Polly: (sarcastic) How original of the writers. Do they still get fringe benefits?
Al: (sighing) Sadly, yes. Anyway that's beside the point! You cats better transform and get out there fast and save the city!
Guido: (going on like an immature child) YES! I WON! We have to save the city from a robot! Come on Speedy, pay up. TEN BUCKS!
Speedy: Ah crud! I'll give it to you, ah...after the show!
Guido: No way! I think I'll be taking your money now...(holds out his hand)
Speedy: (stuttering) But...but! Come on, pal! Hehe! It's pay-day today! My wallets empty, honest!
Guido: Yeah, pull the other leg Speedy!
Speedy: (hiding his wallet behind his back) You're nuts! And to THINK! (Feigning upset) MY OWN BEST FRIEND! WOULD ACCUSE ME OF LYING! What kind of a world do we live in I ask myself sometimes?
N: Congratulations, Speedy. After at least thirty episodes you still don't get it!
Speedy: (irritated) SHUT UP!
Polly: HELLO? (Knocking on both Speedy and Guido's helmets) Anybody home? Let's get going, I have a hair appointment this afternoon!
Guido: Who cares about your hair? You hardly take that helmet off anyway. And I want my MONEY!
Polly: Quit being a baby, Guido!
Speedy: HAHA!
Polly: Oh! I almost forgot...(calls out to Lucille, sitting at a near by table)…Lucille can you shoot us off?
Lucille: Where's Francine?
Polly: The Caribbean. Apparently she's been saving up for quite some time. She obviously forgot to save up for me as well!
Lucille: WHAT FUN! I get to play with all the pretty BUTTONS!
N: This could prove hazardous...
(Next scene: the Cat's shoot off one by one)
Son: (looking up from down below) Ma, this is getting boring. We do the same thing every episode! It has a repetitive feeling...
Mama-san: It's called 'Deja-Vu', you silly boy! And anyway, I told you we could have done the sitcom with the magic dinosaur, but nooo! My son had to be in a show with super heroes!
Son: (unimpressed) Okay Ma, you've made your point!
(Cut back to airborne scene)
Speedy: Does anyone else get a wedgie every time we blast off?
Guido: Nah, I avoid that problem by sticking to boxers.
Speedy: Really? I always felt a draft in boxers.
Guido: You gotta stick to the good brands! They also add a touch of style.
N: I agree, boxers are definitely more comfortable.
Polly: (revolted) Can we NOT have this conversation?
Guido: (pointing ahead) Hey! I can see the robot, its right in front of us!
Speedy: (also pointing) Hey! I can see a tree, that's also right in front of us…
(The Cat's look at each other with pain)
Speedy, Polly, Guido: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
(The Cat's collide into the tree)
Guido: (hanging over a branch) That was a real bone breaker...
Speedy: (upside-down) I guess it makes you appreciate Francine.
Polly: (who landed face first) But Speedy, Francine made us land into trees too. Not to mention walls, mountains, billboards, people, etc.
Speedy: Maybe we should start walking then!
Guido: (looking around) Isn't it a little quiet around here for a city being destroyed by a giant robot?
Polly: But didn't we just see the robot? Remember? It was over there...(pointing)
Speedy: That's convenient! We can't do our traditional entrance without the stupid robot, can we?
N: Yes, this is a concern. Where are our villains? Ah! There they are. Big Cheese, Jerry and Bad Bird. All snuggly together...hiding behind a near by building? With a video projector?
Jerry: (whispering, while spying on the Pizza Cats) Congratulations boss, we did it! Those furballs have fallen for it hook line and sprinkler!
Bad Bird: (whispering) It's 'sinker', not 'sprinkler' old man.
Jerry: Really? I always imagined it was sprinkler...
BB: (whispering ridiculously) What the hell does a sprinkler have to do with anything!
Big Cheese: (joining in) Oh, who gives a hoot! The projection of the phony robot has confused those pizza brats for now. It's time to go to the next and better phase of our plan! Did everybody bring their black tights?
Jerry, BB: (sigh) Yes!
Jerry: We also brought black beanies, shirts, gloves, masks and black sunglasses. Just as you requested.
BC: Excellent! You better go change, we're wasting precious kidnapping time!
BB: (whispering) Okay boss. Hey, why are we whispering? Nobody can hear us…
Jerry: (whispering) The director says we're setting a climatic mood. He also thinks the wind is windy.
BB: ?
Jerry: Never mind. He's just stupid.
(Skip back to Pizza Cat's walking around town)
Speedy: (hollering) Mr. robot! Come out come out wherever you ARE!
Polly: It's no use, Speedy. There is no robot!
Guido: Yeah, just look around you! No smashed buildings, no scared people, no Big Cheese, no hot babes in trouble for me to rescue, nothin'! You might call this one of your more quiet days.
Polly: Let's start heading back. I think I got a leaf in my shoe...
Speedy: (refusing to give up) But how can a fifty foot robot just disappear like that!
N: Back to our villains, who seem to be running out of ideas to catch our heroes...
BC: (smiling as he observes Jerry and Bad Bird) Did I mention you both look smashing in those black tights?
BB: (frowning) I feel like hitting myself! Why do we have to wear these? We look worse than the Pizza Cats!
BC: It's the easiest way to remain inconspicuous. We can't let those felines or any other goody-two-shoes identify us!
Jerry: (on another thought) Why are your tights pink, Cheesy?
BC: Isn't obvious? I have to add some colour to this gloomy black ensemble.
N: Okay, let's just get away from that picture as soon as possible! Cue the next scene where the Pizza Cat's are heading for home. NOW!
Polly: (bored) That was worth my time...
Guido: (also bored) For once I'm upset there is no robot!
Speedy: Correction Guido, there was a robot! We saw it with our own eyes!
Guido: I know but you said it yourself, Speedy. How can something that huge disappear?
N: At least the network will be happy. Do you know how much robots cost? Not mention every WEEK! Anyway, back to our small-minded crooks still watching the Cats in secret near by...
BB: (whispering) Okay, we're in position! Now what do we do?
BC: SSHH! I tell you at the right moment.
BB: But I want to know now!
Jerry: Yeah come on, Cheesy! I need to go to the bathroom...
BC: (hissing) SSSHHH! Or I'll put you both into early retirement!
(Close by...)
Polly: Guido, what are you staring at?
(A pretty girl walks by)
Guido: (with love hearts in his eyes) Can you guys excuse me for a moment? I have some business to take care of.
Polly: (rolling her eyes) Men...
Speedy: Can you hear that?
Polly: What?
Speedy: That sound?
Polly: You mean that music?
Speedy: (excited beyond words) OH MY GOD!
Polly: What? What is it?
Speedy: (jumping with each word) IT'S...IT'S...IT'S...THE MR. WHIPPY VAN!
(Speedy zooms away out of sight, leaving Polly alone)
Polly: (extremely annoyed) Typical! If it's not women it's an ice-cream truck!
N: Polly, did Speedy say he just heard the Mr. Whippy Van?
Polly: Yes, but –
N: WOOHOO! Ice-cream! I want extra on the chocolate! (Leaves)
Polly: (shouting to the sky) Is every guy this pathetic!
(Returning to the Villains...)
BC: Okay, are you ready to go?
BB: Ready as I'll ever be.
Jerry: (holding his tights in agony) Ditto!
BC: On the count of three, then. One...two...ah...five...
BB: (filling in) THREE!
(The Big Cheese, Jerry and Bad Bird jump out from behind their hiding place. Polly sees them immediately)
Polly: What the...?
BC: (ordering the other two) GET HER!
Polly: Get me?
Jerry: (still in need of a toilet) Why don't YOU get her boss?
BC: Because I'm supposed to stand here and look pretty, that's why! YOU get her!
Jerry: With all do respect Cheesy, I can hardly move my legs!
BB: Don't worry, she's all mine! (Approaching Polly with an evil look in his eye)
Polly: (standing in defence) Get me? Three strange little men in tights are going to get me? Polly Esther? HA!
(Badbird pulls out a spray can from behind his back)
Polly: And what's that? One of your toys?
(Bad Bird sprays her in her face)
Polly: (falls back in shock, rubbing her eyes) AH! THAT STINGS! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
BB: It recently came on the market. It's called 'Pizza Cat Repellent'!
Polly: (growing woozy) Huh...?
BB: Actually, it's just a new kind of mace...
Polly: (more woozy) What have you done to me? Who...who are you?
BB: What, you didn't recognize us with our masks on? I guess you're not very observant are you, Polly.
Polly: (weakening) You'll...pay...for this...you...Robin Hood type...person...(faints)
BB: (confused) Robin Hood?
Jerry: Must be the tights.
BC: (intervening) Wait a minute...I thought there were more of them! Why is there only one, Jerry? I wanted to kidnap all of them!
BB: Look who discovered how to count!
Jerry: (in excruciating agony) Please...CHEESY! I really...need...to –
BC: (uninterested) BAH! If you can't speak normally, shut it!
BB: (looking down on Polly) We better get her back to the hideout. It's getting late in the day. Before you know it, it'll be dark!
BC: But we're not FINISHED! I WANT ALL THE PIZZA CAT'S!
BB: (attempting to be reasonable) But Big Cheese, sir, we have to get out of here before someone sees us! We can kidnap the rest of them tomorrow. First thing after breakfast?
BC: Fine. First thing after breakfast AND after I put my hair in curlers.
Jerry: (sweating) AH! I CAN'T WAIT ANY LONGER! (Runs to the nearest tree)
BC: (nudging Badbird) We better go before someone arrests him for indecent exposure.
(Two hours later, back at the Pizza Parlour. Its ten minutes before closing time...)
Speedy: (licking an ice-cream) So what happened with you and that blonde you were chasing?
(Guido showed Speedy a giant hand print on his cheek)
Speedy: Ouch! No luck, huh? What did you say to her?
Guido: I don't think the network would want me to repeat it...
Lucile: (looking out the window) I'm worried. It's late and Polly still isn't back yet!
Speedy: Maybe she walked passed a sale or something?
Lucille: Very funny, Speedy!
Guido: C'mon, Lucille. I'm sure Polly's fine. She probably went home early.
Lucille: That's an idea! I'll call her apartment...
(Lucille dials Polly's number on the phone numerous times, but with no luck)
Lucille: (worried) Speedy, she's not home! Why did you guys have to leave her?
Guido: Don't look at us! The Narrator left too.
N: (eating ice-cream in the background) I was on a coffee break...moron!
Speedy: Hey, you're right Lucille! Doesn't 'Desperate Housewives' start now? She should be at home watching it. She'd never miss it would she, Guido?
Guido: Not on her life.
Lucille: I don't have a good feeling about this. Speedy, maybe you should go back to where you left her? And Guido, maybe you should go and check her apartment?
Speedy: Okay, Lucille. If it'll put your mind at ease.
Guido: (annoyed) Ah Lucille, come on! Do I have to? Anyway I...(thinking of an excuse)...have a date tonight.
Speedy: (laughing) You could've done so much better then that Guido!
Lucille: Guido, she's your friend and she could be in trouble! Besides, I can shoot you off from here. You'll get there twice as fast!
Guido: (thinking about earlier in day when Lucille took the controls) You know what babe? I think I'll make my own way there.
N: Meanwhile, at the Big Cheese's spiffy-diffy hideout!
BC: It's time for phase C of my notorious plan!
BB: (yawn) How many damn phases are there! I'm sleepy...
BC: As many phases as I want!
BB: Okay, fine! What's phase C then?
BC: Right! Phase C. Well, Phase C is...(thinking it over)...the most tension, ah... criminal...building moment of all the previous phases! You might say Phase C is...it's –
BB: (interrupting) You have no idea what phase C is, do you?
BC: (angered) SO WHAT IF I DON'T! I was hoping I didn't have to do all the thinking around here! I thought maybe Jerry would think of something...(turning to Jerry)
(Jerry sits in the corner sipping tea)
Jerry: (calm and relaxed) Well, most kidnappers leave a ransom note at this point. I suggest, since we're not as experienced in the field of kidnapping as we all thought we were, we should forget about kidnapping the rest of the Cats. This way, in the ransom note we can threaten the others by saying we'll kill Polly if Speedy doesn't give us his magical Ginzu Sword.
BC: (turning back to Badbird with a grin) Guess what? I've thought of an ingenious idea for phase C!
BB: (shaking his head) Oh brother...
Jerry: Here we go...
BC: (adopting his most intelligent tone of voice) You see, most kidnappers leave a ransom note at this point. I suggest, since we're not as experienced in the field of kidnapping as we all thought we were, we should forget about kidnapping the rest of the Cats. This way, in the ransom note we can threaten the others by saying we'll kill Polly if Speedy doesn't give us his magical Ginzu Sword. BASK IN MY BRILLIANCE!
BB: (sarcastic) That's funny... five minutes ago you didn't even know what a Ginzu Sword WAS!
(Time passes. Speedy returns to Lucille at the Pizza Parlour after searching for Polly)
Speedy: No luck. I couldn't find her, Lucille! The only thing I found when I went back was a stained tree!
(In that instant, Guido storms through the front door. He's sobbing)
Lucille: (shocked) Guido, you're crying!
Speedy: (running up to him) Is it something to do with Polly? Did you go to her apartment? Talk!
Guido: (speaking between sobs) I was...(sob!)...driving back on this...(sniff!)...road...and...IT'S TOO AWFUL! (Continues to sob)
Speedy: (also crying now) Is she dead, Guido? IS THAT IT? Did you find her dead? TELL ME! (Shaking him by the shoulders)
N: Way to jump to conclusions!
Guido: (sitting himself down) There was a bunny...
Speedy, Lucille: (looking oddly at each other) Bunny?
Guido: It was hopping...and hopping…(sniff!)...it had the cutest little puffy tail...(sniff!)...like a little puffy...thing...and...I ran over it! I killed it! IT WAS AWFUL! It looked just like a baby Peter Rabbit...(sob!)
Speedy: (trying to remain calm) Guido...you got us all worked up because you ran over a bunny?
Guido: I love Peter Rabbit! He was my hero as a kid.
Lucille: (deeply moved) Oh Guido! This is a side of you I've never seen before!
Speedy: (deeply ticked off) YOU STUPID BONEHEAD!
(Speedy attacks Guido, resulting the in the two fighting and cussing at eachother in a cloud of smoke. Meanwhile, Lucille spots the mailman outside delivering a letter. She goes to see what it is...)
Lucille: Um, boys? (Holding a letter) I think you should see what just came in the mail.
(Speedy and Guido pause – reluctantly)
Lucille: (on the verge of tears) Polly's been...(the hatch on her head opens)...KIDNAPPED!
Speedy: (backing up) Uh oh!
Guido: No Lucille, DON'T LOOSE IT!
KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
N: After accompanying a traumatised Lucille back to her place, Speedy and Guido went to a secluded area near the Palace – as the ransom note demanded. Now let's all relax and wait and see what happens! (Sarcastic) Like it's going to be anything good...
Speedy: (temperamental, for some reason) Noooooo way! Not no HOW!
Guido: (checking his watch) Where are those damn kidnappers? They're late!
Speedy: (jumping up and down) No no no no no no no no!
Guido: Why do you keep saying that?
Speedy: Did you read this ransom letter? It says they want my sword!
Guido: So? You gotta give it up or they're gonna kill Polly.
Speedy: But my sword, Guido! That's like giving up my own child!
Guido: Speedy, when someone is going to be killed, you give up the sword!
Speedy: Hmph! Well if YOU love Polly so much why don't YOU give up your sword!
Guido: Because they want yours! And YOU'RE the one who's always liked Polly!
Speedy: Well YOU'RE the one who thinks she's got a great backside!
Guido: (riled) THAT'S IT! YOU'VE HAD IT NOW, PAL!
(Speedy and Guido start fighting again)
BB: AHEM!
Speedy, Guido: (freezing) Huh?
BB: (in a black mask and faking a deep voice) Stop the funny stuff and hand over the sword or the girl gets it! (Points behind him where Jerry, also masked, is holding a knife to Polly's throat. Polly has a pillow case over her head)
Guido: (growing tense) Do it, Speedy! Give him what he wants.
Speedy: (looking at Polly, then relenting) Oh...all right!
(Speedy throws down his sword. Bad Bird walks over and picks it up)
BB: (speaking to himself) At last! It's mine...
Speedy: Okay, now give us what we want!
BB: Yeah yeah...(signals to Jerry to let go of Polly)
Speedy, Guido: (running up to Polly in joy) POLLY!
Polly: (still a bit dizzy) Speedy?...Guido?...Mr. President?
Guido: She's delirious. Maybe they drugged her?
Speedy: She smells funny. Like fly spray or something...WO!
(Polly drunkenly sways forward. Speedy breaks her fall)
Speedy: Little help?
Guido: Pass her here...
BB: (removing his mask.) HAHAHA! Say goodnight, Pizza Cats! (Preparing for the Ginzu Sword sequence) THE BAD GUYS ARE GONNA WIN!
Speedy: (shocked) BAD BIRD!
Guido: (holding Polly up, panicking) SPEEDY! You gave your Ginzu Sword to Bad Bird? What were you thinking!
Speedy: (gaping at Guido) Well EXCUSE me Mr. 'Speedy-you-better-give-up-your-sword-or-they're-gonna-kill-POLLY!'
BB: (waving the sword back and forth) What's going on here? Why isn't this thing working!
Jerry: (running over to Badbird) Maybe the batteries are flat?
Guido: (suddenly happy) ALL RIGHT, SPEEDY!
Speedy: (puzzled) Huh?
Guido: You didn't give him your Ginzu Sword!
Speedy: I didn't?
Guido: No! You gave him Binky! Your other sword!
Jerry: (baffled) What the hell is a 'Binky'?
Speedy: (pretending he knew this all along) Of course I did! Hehe! I did that so I could now go into my usual Ginzu Sword sequence! Yes, yes that's a good plan actually...(unleashing his Ginzu Sword)
Jerry: Oh crap!
BB: (timid) I think I hear Big Cheese calling us...(running away)
N: But as always, it was too late! Speedy thwarted the villains once again with the old Ginzu Sword sequence, and sent them flying far, far away into the unknown wilderness.
BB: (burnt to a crisp) I think kidnapping was defiantly a bad career move.
Jerry: (with an aching back) I think every scheme we've had on this show is a bad career move! My medical bill proves it...(cough!)
(Back to the Speedy and Guido, who are now carrying Polly back to the Pizza Parlour)
Speedy: They didn't hurt ya, did they Polly?
Polly: (in la la land) Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
Speedy: I see.
Guido: Forget talking to her, she's long gone. Which is great 'cause now we gotta carry her all the way back to the Parlour!
N: When Bad Bird and Jerry Attric finally came home and delivered the news the Cats had won, Cheesy lost it as usual and blew up. I don't think they'll be doing anymore kidnapping for a while. At least not this season. Anyway, the next morning the Pizza Cats were back at work! And it's almost the end of the show, so don't tell the director I left early. Bye!
Francine: (bounding in through the front doors, carrying a bundle of suitcases) I'M BACK! Did I miss anything?
Polly: (filing her nails) I was kidnapped...
Guido: (reading a magazine) I ran over Peter Rabbit...
Speedy: (at the cash register) I got a new SHIRT!
Francine: Well, at least you've been occupied.
THE END