Misato in OZ
Misato was driving home in her camaro. The day had been a long one with everyone whining and moaning about something going wrong. Luckily, Pen-Pen, who was sitting next to her, wasn't whining or moaning. That was one of the things she liked about the Hotspring Penguin.
Suddenly, she looked over at the horizon where a monstrous tornado, which she would've been warned about had she stopped to listen to Maya or the radio for half a minute, swept over her camaro like the incredibly long sentence she had gotten stuck in.
She saw Shigeru pedaling on a bike wearing a postman's uniform. He tipped his hat to her and zoomed off into the tornado. Then, she saw Gendo riding a broom while wearing a witch outfit.
"I'LL GET YOU, MY PRETTY! AND YOUR HOTSPRING PENGUIN TOO! BWEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE-gigglegigglesnortAACCCK!!!" Gendo laughed before sucking down a beetle and zooming off into the tornado.
The Wicked Wizard of the East flew around, cackling evilly. Finally exhuasted, he landed on the road below him. Suddenly, the beer truck that the Wizard hadn't seen smacked into him and sent him flying.
"WENDY, I CAN FLY!" The Wizard cried before Misato's camaro crushed him.
Misato and Pen-Pen staggered out. She looked around.
"Gee, Pen-pen, I don't think we're in Tokyo 3 anymore." Misato said.
"Qwuag." Pen-pen replied.
"Why, young lady, you've killed the Wicked Wizard of the East! You're our hero!" a munchkin man who looked suspiciously like Ryoji Kaji said while walking up to her.
Misato turned to see a pair of pants get pulled up underneath her camaro.
[Aren't those the socks that A-kun always wears? And why is he wearing ruby-studded sneakers?] Misato thought.
"What can I do for you in return for killing the evil wizard?" the munchkin Kaji asked, "Have sex with you?"
[Just like Kaji.] Misato thought.
Suddenly, Kaji got bopped by a tall purple haired woman wearing a pricess's gown and glowing wings (Author's Note: These are exactly like the wings on Eva-01 in the opening theme for the anime series).
"Are you a good witch or a bad witch? No, that's a stupid question. Okay, what'dya want?" the tall woman (that Misato could SWEAR she knew from somewhere) asked.
"I'd like to know how to get home." Misato replied.
"That's easy, just follow the yellow brick road. It will take you to the Wizard of Oz, who is currently living two hundred miles away." the tall woman replied.
"Say, you look familiar, what's your name?" Misato asked.
"I'm the good witch of the south. My name is Yui Ikari." The woman replied.
"I KNEW I recognized you!" Misato exclaimed before asking, "Um, what yellow brick road?"
"The one that your penguin is turning brown." Yui said, pointing to Pen-pen, who was busy relieving himself on the road.
"I see.... well, I can just drive down... MY AXLES!! THEY'RE RUINED!!" Misato yelped, seeing her newest camaro destroyed.
Misato looked down the road, then at her car. It would be impossible for her to walk that far without getting sore feet and blisters.
"I could fix that for a night in bed with ya!" the munchkin Kaji said before getting bapped by Yui.
"_I_ could give you A-kun's ruby sneakers. They're magically enchanted so that you will never get sore feet or blisters." Yui said, waving her wand and teleporting A-kun's sneakers from his feet to Misato's and Misato's stinky old shoes (that she had borrowed from Kaji) to a garbage can. And bopped Kaji for good measure.
"Great, so now I gotta hike. Ah well." Misato said, pulling her gun, making sure it was loaded and working properly.
She picked up Pen-pen and they began walking down the yellow road.
"Naoko! My shoes are getting scuffed up." Yui called.
Naoko Akagi leapt forth (out of the closet she was in), brandishing a clean piece of cloth and some shoe polish, tossed the items away and began cleaning Yui's shoes with her tongue.
While she wasn't getting sore feet or blisters, she was getting tired. Pen-pen seemed to gain weight with each passing second, so she put him down. Then, she came to a fork in the road. Finally frustrated that she didn't know which way to go, she sat down on a nearby fence over looking a field of wheat.
"HEY! What the hell do you think you're doing? Are you retarded or something?!" someone asked.
Misato spun around to see a scarecrow nearby cursing at some crows that were failing to be scared by it. She walked over to the cussing scarecrow.
"Um, excuse me?" Misato asked, scaring the crows off.
"Yeah, what is it? OH WOW!! You're the first person I've seen in weeks!" the scarecrow (it sounded like a girl) said.
"Need some help?" Misato asked.
"Now that you mention it, can you take this damn mask off my head and help me down? Some freak did this to me and I've been aiming to get back at him for a long time." the scarecrow said.
Misato helped the 'scarecrow' down and she pulled the mask off the girl's head, revealing a young red-haired girl with blue eyes.
"Are you okay?" Misato asked.
"Actually, no. It's been a few days (or was it weeks?) since I last ate, thanks to that weirdo who pinned me up there." the girl answered, shaking the straw out of her clothes.
"I'm Asuka Scarecrow Langely." Asuka said, extending her hand.
"I'm Misato Katsuragi and my companion is Pen-pen." Misato replied.
"Where you headed?" Asuka asked.
"To the Wizard of Oz, do you know where he lives?" Misato inquired.
"Um, I know he isn't.... damn, I can't remember which way it was. I think both head to his place." Asuka replied.
Misato sighed. Pen-pen quacked. Asuka scratched her head, trying to recall which way it was. Finally, Misato just started walking. Asuka and Pen-pen followed.
Suddenly, a huge cricket landed in front of them. Asuka powered up and fired a beam of straw, scaring the cricket away.
"What was that?" Misato asked.
"A cricket." Asuka said matter-of-a-factly.
"No, that beam you threw at it." Misato said.
"It was my Scare Crow Beam. It's the reason I'm called Asuka 'Scarecrow' Langley." Asuka replied.
"Nevermind." Misato said, rubbing the bridge of her nose This was giving her a headache.
They continued on.
They continued on until they ran across a girl-shaped set of armor.
"Oy! Can someone get me the oil can at my feet?" the girl inside asked.
"Um, sure." Misato said, taking the can and oiling the joints.
The girl took off her helmet, revealing it to be Rei.
"Thanks a lot. I'm Rei 'Tin-Girl' Ayanami." Rei said.
"I'm Asuka Scarecrow Langley." Asuka said.
"I'm Misato and this is Pen-pen." Misato said dryly.
"Anyone have any food? I'm starved." Rei said.
"Same here." Asuka said.
"I'm getting hungry too." Misato commented.
"Qwuag." Pen-pen added.
"FREE BEER AND HOT DOGS! FREE BEER AND HOT DOGS!" Came the cry.
The girls (and penguin) ran to the vendor, who Misato recognized instantly as Maya Ibuki.
"Hi, how many would you like?" Maya asked.
"Give me twenty!" Asuka said.
"Thirty!" Misato said.
"Qwuag!" Pen-pen added.
"Do you have some vegetarian hot dogs?" Rei asked.
"Yep." Maya replied.
"Ten please." Rei said.
"One moment. OY! Ritsuko, get over here and make up seventy hot dogs and ten vegetarian hot dogs." Maya called.
"HAAAAIIII!" Ritsuko Akagi said, skipping into view and starting on the order while smiling brightly. Misato was watching her with bugged eyes. Ritsuko seemed to be oozing with 'Bubbly Kawaii'ness.
She bent down to get the vegetarian hot dogs out of the lower cabinets. As she did, Maya smiled to herself and patted Ritsuko on the rear, who yelped slightly and grabbed her rear-end as if it was her own bottom that had made that sensation. She blushed, grabbed the vegetarian hot dogs and went back to cooking.
Meanwhile, Asuka, Pen-pen and Rei were ignoring what happened while Misato was trying to. Soon, the food was ready and the ravenous group ate. Maya asked if they wanted to see Ritsuko naked with whipped cream and the group decided to leave before the story became a lemon.
They came across a gate that seemed to have no guardian or even a door. They began walking through when suddenly Shinji Ikari, dressed in a lion outfit, leapt down and confronted them.
"Put 'em up, put 'em up!" Shinji spat, swinging his arms wildly.
Misato listened closely and heard Shinji mumbling, "... mustn't run away, mustn't run away...". She felt like this was some lame copy of her old world, only done like a classic movie's script.
"I assume you're the cowardly lion?" Misato asked.
"Yep!" Shinji said proudly before cowering, "Don't hurt me!"
*PUSH* *PUSH*
"AAAAAH! WAAAAAAH!" Shinji cried.
"Hey, this is fun!" Asuka said, pushing Shinji around more.
"Asuka, knock it off." Misato said.
"Oh, all right." Asuka said.
"I'll let you through, just don't hurt me!" Shinji cried.
"Hey, wanna come with us, we're going to see the Wizard of Oz." Misato asked.
"Hey, I think we skipped something. Why am I following you guys?" Rei asked.
"Would you rather be in a lemon?" Misato asked.
"........." Rei responded.
"Hey, we could go see the Wizard too! Maybe he could give Shinji a spine or some friends!" Asuka joked.
"Or maybe he could give you a brain!" Shinji shot back in a burst of courage.
Asuka moved as if to hit him. He flinched.
"Or Rei-" Misato began.
"A better brand of oil would be nice. Maybe some weapon systems..." Rei mused.
"Uh, right." Misato answered.
"Qwuag!" Pen-Pen "Qwuag"ed.
"Or Pen-Pen a decent sized bladder!" Misato said.
"Yeah, he _has_ been recoloring the entire road." Rei commented.
"I'm Shinji!" Shinji said, glad to be part of a group.
And the introductions began.
"So, she thinks she can just go to the Wizard of Oz, eh!? We'll see about that!" Gendo Ikari, the wicked wizard of the West, laughed.
He turned from his cauldron and opened a cage.
"Fly, Fly, my pretties!" Gendo told the winged SEELE Council Members.
The SEELE members got out of the cage and leapt out the nearest window, only to immediately fall screaming to their deaths.
"Bugger it all. Well, time to try the Angel series." Gendo said, turning to Kaworu Nagisa.
"Fly, Fly, my pretty!" Gendo said, letting Kaworu loose.
Kaworu leapt out the same window the SEELE members had and promptly fell to his death as well.
"Next!" Gendo said, turning to the next Angel...
Later....
"Hmmm, scratch number 232421, failed to fly. Reason: Wings were far heavier than what body could support." Gendo mused, looking at the messy remains of the clone he made of Aoba Shigeru who had wings that were better suited for something the size of Angel 14. It should be noted that Gendo had only gotten the idea of having winged servants last week and hadn't tested any of the creatures he had attached wings to.
Back to the group. Asuka had come up with the idea of waiting for a truck or a wagon to pass, but since no such thing had been seen by any of them for the course of the trip, the likelyhood of anything like that passing by anytime within a decade was nil to less than nil. Finally, they reached the wizard's Emerald City and pass it accidentally because the model was so small that they didn't even notice it. Not to mention that they didn't want to see the model. They wanted to see the real Emerald City. Then, Rei came up with an idea.
"Hey, we're supposed to be the closest things to magical beings, right? Why don't we just steal an idea from the Sailor Senshi and teleport there?" Rei asked.
"Why didn't I think of that?" Asuka asked.
"Because you have no brain?" Shinji inquired.
Asuka popped her knuckles, causing Shinji to hide behind Rei and Misato.
"Magical Pretty Evangelion TELEPORT!" they chanted, linking hands, pseudopods, crab claws...
Then, with the sound of an Eva passing gas, they found themselves at their desired location. And there was a horrible stench in the air. They held their breaths and ran for the REAL Emerald City. They pounded on the door frantically. Kensuke's head popped out a hole, took one whiff and collapsed. Touji's head, with a gas mask on, looked down at the visitors.
"What the hell do you want?" Touji asked.
"We want to see the Wizard!" Misato yelled.
"Why?" Touji asked.
"Because he's the only one who can help us!" Misato yelled.
"You know, you don't have to yell." Touji answered.
"YES WE DO!!" they hollered.
"Why?" Touji asked.
"BECAUSE WE WANT TO COME IN TO KEEP FROM HAVING TO SMELL THAT HORRIBLE STENCH!!" they yelled.
"Why didn't you just say that to begin with?" Touji answered.
The gates opened up, allowing the five to run in. The gates slammed shut.
"Go on through. The wizard is through the ninteenth door after two lefts and three rights." Touji said, pointing as he pulled his mask off. After they left, Touji released the breath he had been holding.
[Better not let anyone know the gas mask doesn't stop the smell. Hmmm.... I think I'll let Kensuke wear it next time...] Touji thought to himself.
The group, once they managed to find the Wizard's room (after passing 62 Starbucks, a JCPenny, a Dayton's, a Sears, fifteen motels and three separate strip malls), entered. They watched as a face appeared in front of them. It looked rather small and there weren't any flames around it.
"i am the great and powerful wizard of oz. what is it that you wish to ask of me?" the face squeaked out.
"What?" Misato asked.
"damn it all... one moment..." the face squeaked.
Suddenly, flames burst forth and the face grew to the generic huge face (tm).
"I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ!! WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WISH TO ASK OF ME?!?!" The face bellowed.
"Well, I need to get home, Pen-Pen needs a bigger bladder, Asuka needs a brain, Shinji needs a spine and Rei needs either a heart or some better oil and some weapon systems." Misato answered.
"BEFORE I CAN HELP YOU, I MUST ASK THAT YOU DO THREE TASKS AND ANSWER THREE QUESTIONS." the face declared.
"What are these three tasks and questions?" Misato asked.
"THE FIRST TASK IS TO GET RID OF THAT ANNOYING WICKED WIZARD OF THE WEST, GENDO IKARI. FOR THIS TASK, I SHALL GRANT YOU TEMPORARY USE OF THESE FIVE COINS!" The face declared before multi-colored lightning shot out of conveniently nearby tesla-coils.
The lightning formed into three... five coins. The coins were in oddly shaped holders. Misato recognized them as morphers from the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers show. They all blinked.
"EVA-00!" Rei yelled.
"EVA-01!" Shinji yelled.
"EVA-02!" Asuka yelled.
"QWUAG!" Pen-Pen "Qwuag"ed.
"EVA-05!" Misato yelled.
"GO EVA RANGERS!" They shouted in unison.
They ran across the hall into Gendo's room and shot him. Repeatedly. With big guns. Reloading when necessary. Then, they ran back across the hall into the Wizard's room.
"GOOD WORK. I HATED IT WHEN HE'D PLAY THAT DAMN SHAWN MULLINS CD FOR HOURS ON END. HE'S AN OKAY SINGER, IT'S JUST THAT AFTER THREE TIMES AROUND, IT GETS REALLY ANNOYING. NOW, YOU MUST FIND ME... A CHOCOLATE PUDDING CUP!" The huge face declared.
After they finished complaining, they ran out into the hall where they ran into a chocolate pudding vendor who wouldn't be back until Thursday, so it was very lucky that they met him now, since it was Friday. When they returned, half a minute later, the wizard gave them their final task.
"GET ME AN EXTENSION ON MY MORTGAGE PAYMENT." The face demanded.
And so, they went to the Wizard's mortgage company. Within nine minutes, after talking with a bad-tempered and foul-mouthed rep named "Tasuki", the company's building was on fire and the wizard would have a LONG extension.
"NOW EACH OF YE MUST ANSWER ME THESE QUESTIONS THREE! E'RE THE GIFTS YE WANT YE SEE!" The face decreed, trying to rhyme boomingly.
"Ask us the questions, Wizard, we're not afraid!" Shinji declared.
"WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES?" The face asked.
"Shinji." Shinji answered.
"Asuka." Asuka answered.
"Rei." Rei answered.
"Qwuag!" Pen-Pen squaked.
"Misato." Misato answered.
Suddenly, Pen-Pen, since the Wizard couldn't interpret his answer, was launched up into the air and fell into a conveniently placed Chasm of Doom.
"OH, I FORGOT TO MENTION, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MESS UP. NOW, ON TO THE NEXT QUESTION: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?" the face asked.
The group was now visibly sweating at the idea of suffering the same fate as the poor Hotspring penguin.
"BLUE!" they responded in unison.
"AND WHAT.... DID YOU WANT ME TO DO FOR YOU?" the face asked.
"I wanna a brain!" Asuka yelled.
"I wanna a spine!" Shinji yelled.
"I wanna a heart or a better oil and some weapon systems!" Rei yelled.
"And I wanna go home!" Misato finished.
"Qwuaaaaaag..." came Pen-Pen's voice from the Chasm of Doom.
Suddenly, the face and flames vanished as Makoto Hyuuga stepped out from behind a nearby curtain. With him were four rather large and tough looking girls. Three of the girls grabbed Rei, Asuka and Shinji. The last one disappeared into the Chasm of Doom and returned with Pen-Pen. Makoto, all of the girls (except Misato), Shinji and Pen-Pen vanished for a while.
About nine hours, actually. Misato had enough time to shop a bit at the various strip malls, steal a cup of coffee from each of the Starbucks, find a bathroom, "freshen up", and play a few games of Street Fighter 2 Turbo before returning and drumming her fingers on the floor for about half an hour because she had run out of money.
She was just about to comtemplate robbing the Starbucks when Rei, Asuka, Shinji, Pen-Pen and Makoto entered the room. Rei was dancing and singing "Stay Tonight" by Eagle Eye Cherry. Shinji was making snide comments about Asuka and didn't even flinch when Asuka punched him. Asuka, after she calmed down, apologized about her actions and offered to bandage the injury for Shinji, should he require it. And Pen-Pen wasn't wetting on the floor.
"Okay, most of it was easy, although finding a larger bladder and actually fitting it into Pen-Pen, which was extremely difficult." Makoto answered.
"So, how about me going home?" Misato asked.
"Oh, that's easy." said Hikari, the Good Witch of the North, said.
"Oh, sure. Ruin the whole scene with the balloon, why don't you? We only spent nine thousand dollars on the damn thing." Makoto growled.
"Fine, fine." Hikari sulked.
"Okay, everyone into the balloon!" Makoto said.
Once Shinji, Asuka, Rei, Pen-Pen, Hikari, Makoto and Misato got into the balloon, they began flying upwards and away from the Emerald City. Then, Makoto motioned to Hikari.
"Oh, I can finally tell her? Oh, _THANK YOU_." Hikari answered, sarcastically.
She turned to Misato.
"You can return home by chugging these magic beers and chanting "There's no place like home", then smashing them against your forehead until you pass out." Hikari declared, handing Misato her first beer.
"Shouldn't it be something like clicking my heels together and saying "There's no place like home"?" Misato asked.
"That's the ORIGINAL version. This one is YOUR dream." Hikari answered.
"Well, I suppose it WOULD have to do with alcohol, but it's still a stupid way." Misato answered.
She chugged her first beer, belched out "There's no place like home", and crushed the can against her forehead.
She chugged her next beer, belched out "There's no place like home", and crushed the can against her forehead.
She chugged her next beer, belched out "There's no place like home", and crushed the can against her forehead, noticing she was getting a bit dizzy.
She chugged her next beer, belched out "There's no place like home", and crushed the can against her forehead, noticing things were getting fuzzy.
She chugged her next beer, belched out "There's no place like home", and crushed the can against her forehead, and promptly collapsed.
When she finally awoke, she was laying on a bed in a hospital. It was the same room that Shinji always seemed to wake up in. She also had a circular bruise on her forehead that resembled the bottom of a beer can. It also might have been considered a crescent moon or a VERY strange hickey.
"Misato, you're finally awake." Ritsuko said, sitting down next to her best friend.
"Ritsuko! I had the most vivid dream! And everyone was there! Except Kaji, and that's important because it was a glaring detail at the moment!" Misato began.
EVERYONE WINDS UP HAPPY, SAVE KAJI ENDING
Then, everyone, save Kaji, lived happily ever after.
SAD ENDING
Then, the Hand of God came down and blew up the Earth.
PERVERTED ENDING
Then, they all got it on, save Kaji and Gendo, just to prove that they weren't the kind of people that anyone likes.
CROSSOVER PERVERTED ENDING
Then, a bunch of anime guys and girls appeared and they all got it on.
FUSION ENDING
Then, Misato realized that her real name was Nabiki Tendo...
SELF INSERTION ENDING #1
"And you all owe it to me." A-kun said, strutting in a g-string.
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!" Maya, Ritsuko, Misato and a bunch of other babes said, clinging to him.
SELF INSERTION ENDING #2
"And you all owe it to me." ????? said, strutting in a string bikini (minus the top).
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!" Maya, Ritsuko, Misato and a bunch of other babes said, clinging to her.
STUPID ENDING
Then they decided to upgrade the MAGI to Windows '98. The MAGI promptly crashed. Everyone then decided to star in a long string of bad fanfics.
UNUSUAL ENDING
"Let's have a bake sale." Misato declared.
WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING ENDING
With the evil demon-god Irlaumino defeated, Ilassi and Tumluo hobbled back to their home to recover and live a long life. As brother and sister (man and wife, dentist and pot-bellied pig - Environmentally unsafe and outsound TharzZzDunN).
THE END
====================
Man, this was.... strange. Well, good night.
A-kun reply at akun15@hotmail.com
Waaaaaaaay too much soda, methinks.
????? don't have an e-mail address, so just send it to A-kun
Original Casting List:
Misato as Dorothy
Shinji as the Cowardly Lion
Asuka as the Scarecrow
Rei as the Tin-(wo)man
Gendo as the Wicked Witch of the West
SEELE Council Members as the Flying Monkeys
Kaji as the Leader of the Little people
Makoto as the Wizard
Maya as Beer Vendor
Ritsuko as Beer Vendor's sexy assistant
Shigeru as Pink Elephant #1/Postman on bike in the tornado
Fuyutsuki as Sneezy the Dwarf
Pen-Pen as Toto
Kensuke and Touji as the guards of the Emerald City (renamed Tokyo 3 for some reason)
Hikari Horaki as the Good Witch of the North
Yui as the Good Witch of the South
Naoko as the Good Witch of the South's shoe polisher
Random Tech named A-kun as Wicked Wizard of the East (who gets nailed by a beer truck "WENDY, I CAN FLY!" *SPLAT* (gets crushed by Misato's Camaro))
Misato was driving home in her camaro. The day had been a long one with everyone whining and moaning about something going wrong. Luckily, Pen-Pen, who was sitting next to her, wasn't whining or moaning. That was one of the things she liked about the Hotspring Penguin.
Suddenly, she looked over at the horizon where a monstrous tornado, which she would've been warned about had she stopped to listen to Maya or the radio for half a minute, swept over her camaro like the incredibly long sentence she had gotten stuck in.
She saw Shigeru pedaling on a bike wearing a postman's uniform. He tipped his hat to her and zoomed off into the tornado. Then, she saw Gendo riding a broom while wearing a witch outfit.
"I'LL GET YOU, MY PRETTY! AND YOUR HOTSPRING PENGUIN TOO! BWEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE-gigglegigglesnortAACCCK!!!" Gendo laughed before sucking down a beetle and zooming off into the tornado.
The Wicked Wizard of the East flew around, cackling evilly. Finally exhuasted, he landed on the road below him. Suddenly, the beer truck that the Wizard hadn't seen smacked into him and sent him flying.
"WENDY, I CAN FLY!" The Wizard cried before Misato's camaro crushed him.
Misato and Pen-Pen staggered out. She looked around.
"Gee, Pen-pen, I don't think we're in Tokyo 3 anymore." Misato said.
"Qwuag." Pen-pen replied.
"Why, young lady, you've killed the Wicked Wizard of the East! You're our hero!" a munchkin man who looked suspiciously like Ryoji Kaji said while walking up to her.
Misato turned to see a pair of pants get pulled up underneath her camaro.
[Aren't those the socks that A-kun always wears? And why is he wearing ruby-studded sneakers?] Misato thought.
"What can I do for you in return for killing the evil wizard?" the munchkin Kaji asked, "Have sex with you?"
[Just like Kaji.] Misato thought.
Suddenly, Kaji got bopped by a tall purple haired woman wearing a pricess's gown and glowing wings (Author's Note: These are exactly like the wings on Eva-01 in the opening theme for the anime series).
"Are you a good witch or a bad witch? No, that's a stupid question. Okay, what'dya want?" the tall woman (that Misato could SWEAR she knew from somewhere) asked.
"I'd like to know how to get home." Misato replied.
"That's easy, just follow the yellow brick road. It will take you to the Wizard of Oz, who is currently living two hundred miles away." the tall woman replied.
"Say, you look familiar, what's your name?" Misato asked.
"I'm the good witch of the south. My name is Yui Ikari." The woman replied.
"I KNEW I recognized you!" Misato exclaimed before asking, "Um, what yellow brick road?"
"The one that your penguin is turning brown." Yui said, pointing to Pen-pen, who was busy relieving himself on the road.
"I see.... well, I can just drive down... MY AXLES!! THEY'RE RUINED!!" Misato yelped, seeing her newest camaro destroyed.
Misato looked down the road, then at her car. It would be impossible for her to walk that far without getting sore feet and blisters.
"I could fix that for a night in bed with ya!" the munchkin Kaji said before getting bapped by Yui.
"_I_ could give you A-kun's ruby sneakers. They're magically enchanted so that you will never get sore feet or blisters." Yui said, waving her wand and teleporting A-kun's sneakers from his feet to Misato's and Misato's stinky old shoes (that she had borrowed from Kaji) to a garbage can. And bopped Kaji for good measure.
"Great, so now I gotta hike. Ah well." Misato said, pulling her gun, making sure it was loaded and working properly.
She picked up Pen-pen and they began walking down the yellow road.
"Naoko! My shoes are getting scuffed up." Yui called.
Naoko Akagi leapt forth (out of the closet she was in), brandishing a clean piece of cloth and some shoe polish, tossed the items away and began cleaning Yui's shoes with her tongue.
While she wasn't getting sore feet or blisters, she was getting tired. Pen-pen seemed to gain weight with each passing second, so she put him down. Then, she came to a fork in the road. Finally frustrated that she didn't know which way to go, she sat down on a nearby fence over looking a field of wheat.
"HEY! What the hell do you think you're doing? Are you retarded or something?!" someone asked.
Misato spun around to see a scarecrow nearby cursing at some crows that were failing to be scared by it. She walked over to the cussing scarecrow.
"Um, excuse me?" Misato asked, scaring the crows off.
"Yeah, what is it? OH WOW!! You're the first person I've seen in weeks!" the scarecrow (it sounded like a girl) said.
"Need some help?" Misato asked.
"Now that you mention it, can you take this damn mask off my head and help me down? Some freak did this to me and I've been aiming to get back at him for a long time." the scarecrow said.
Misato helped the 'scarecrow' down and she pulled the mask off the girl's head, revealing a young red-haired girl with blue eyes.
"Are you okay?" Misato asked.
"Actually, no. It's been a few days (or was it weeks?) since I last ate, thanks to that weirdo who pinned me up there." the girl answered, shaking the straw out of her clothes.
"I'm Asuka Scarecrow Langely." Asuka said, extending her hand.
"I'm Misato Katsuragi and my companion is Pen-pen." Misato replied.
"Where you headed?" Asuka asked.
"To the Wizard of Oz, do you know where he lives?" Misato inquired.
"Um, I know he isn't.... damn, I can't remember which way it was. I think both head to his place." Asuka replied.
Misato sighed. Pen-pen quacked. Asuka scratched her head, trying to recall which way it was. Finally, Misato just started walking. Asuka and Pen-pen followed.
Suddenly, a huge cricket landed in front of them. Asuka powered up and fired a beam of straw, scaring the cricket away.
"What was that?" Misato asked.
"A cricket." Asuka said matter-of-a-factly.
"No, that beam you threw at it." Misato said.
"It was my Scare Crow Beam. It's the reason I'm called Asuka 'Scarecrow' Langley." Asuka replied.
"Nevermind." Misato said, rubbing the bridge of her nose This was giving her a headache.
They continued on.
They continued on until they ran across a girl-shaped set of armor.
"Oy! Can someone get me the oil can at my feet?" the girl inside asked.
"Um, sure." Misato said, taking the can and oiling the joints.
The girl took off her helmet, revealing it to be Rei.
"Thanks a lot. I'm Rei 'Tin-Girl' Ayanami." Rei said.
"I'm Asuka Scarecrow Langley." Asuka said.
"I'm Misato and this is Pen-pen." Misato said dryly.
"Anyone have any food? I'm starved." Rei said.
"Same here." Asuka said.
"I'm getting hungry too." Misato commented.
"Qwuag." Pen-pen added.
"FREE BEER AND HOT DOGS! FREE BEER AND HOT DOGS!" Came the cry.
The girls (and penguin) ran to the vendor, who Misato recognized instantly as Maya Ibuki.
"Hi, how many would you like?" Maya asked.
"Give me twenty!" Asuka said.
"Thirty!" Misato said.
"Qwuag!" Pen-pen added.
"Do you have some vegetarian hot dogs?" Rei asked.
"Yep." Maya replied.
"Ten please." Rei said.
"One moment. OY! Ritsuko, get over here and make up seventy hot dogs and ten vegetarian hot dogs." Maya called.
"HAAAAIIII!" Ritsuko Akagi said, skipping into view and starting on the order while smiling brightly. Misato was watching her with bugged eyes. Ritsuko seemed to be oozing with 'Bubbly Kawaii'ness.
She bent down to get the vegetarian hot dogs out of the lower cabinets. As she did, Maya smiled to herself and patted Ritsuko on the rear, who yelped slightly and grabbed her rear-end as if it was her own bottom that had made that sensation. She blushed, grabbed the vegetarian hot dogs and went back to cooking.
Meanwhile, Asuka, Pen-pen and Rei were ignoring what happened while Misato was trying to. Soon, the food was ready and the ravenous group ate. Maya asked if they wanted to see Ritsuko naked with whipped cream and the group decided to leave before the story became a lemon.
They came across a gate that seemed to have no guardian or even a door. They began walking through when suddenly Shinji Ikari, dressed in a lion outfit, leapt down and confronted them.
"Put 'em up, put 'em up!" Shinji spat, swinging his arms wildly.
Misato listened closely and heard Shinji mumbling, "... mustn't run away, mustn't run away...". She felt like this was some lame copy of her old world, only done like a classic movie's script.
"I assume you're the cowardly lion?" Misato asked.
"Yep!" Shinji said proudly before cowering, "Don't hurt me!"
*PUSH* *PUSH*
"AAAAAH! WAAAAAAH!" Shinji cried.
"Hey, this is fun!" Asuka said, pushing Shinji around more.
"Asuka, knock it off." Misato said.
"Oh, all right." Asuka said.
"I'll let you through, just don't hurt me!" Shinji cried.
"Hey, wanna come with us, we're going to see the Wizard of Oz." Misato asked.
"Hey, I think we skipped something. Why am I following you guys?" Rei asked.
"Would you rather be in a lemon?" Misato asked.
"........." Rei responded.
"Hey, we could go see the Wizard too! Maybe he could give Shinji a spine or some friends!" Asuka joked.
"Or maybe he could give you a brain!" Shinji shot back in a burst of courage.
Asuka moved as if to hit him. He flinched.
"Or Rei-" Misato began.
"A better brand of oil would be nice. Maybe some weapon systems..." Rei mused.
"Uh, right." Misato answered.
"Qwuag!" Pen-Pen "Qwuag"ed.
"Or Pen-Pen a decent sized bladder!" Misato said.
"Yeah, he _has_ been recoloring the entire road." Rei commented.
"I'm Shinji!" Shinji said, glad to be part of a group.
And the introductions began.
"So, she thinks she can just go to the Wizard of Oz, eh!? We'll see about that!" Gendo Ikari, the wicked wizard of the West, laughed.
He turned from his cauldron and opened a cage.
"Fly, Fly, my pretties!" Gendo told the winged SEELE Council Members.
The SEELE members got out of the cage and leapt out the nearest window, only to immediately fall screaming to their deaths.
"Bugger it all. Well, time to try the Angel series." Gendo said, turning to Kaworu Nagisa.
"Fly, Fly, my pretty!" Gendo said, letting Kaworu loose.
Kaworu leapt out the same window the SEELE members had and promptly fell to his death as well.
"Next!" Gendo said, turning to the next Angel...
Later....
"Hmmm, scratch number 232421, failed to fly. Reason: Wings were far heavier than what body could support." Gendo mused, looking at the messy remains of the clone he made of Aoba Shigeru who had wings that were better suited for something the size of Angel 14. It should be noted that Gendo had only gotten the idea of having winged servants last week and hadn't tested any of the creatures he had attached wings to.
Back to the group. Asuka had come up with the idea of waiting for a truck or a wagon to pass, but since no such thing had been seen by any of them for the course of the trip, the likelyhood of anything like that passing by anytime within a decade was nil to less than nil. Finally, they reached the wizard's Emerald City and pass it accidentally because the model was so small that they didn't even notice it. Not to mention that they didn't want to see the model. They wanted to see the real Emerald City. Then, Rei came up with an idea.
"Hey, we're supposed to be the closest things to magical beings, right? Why don't we just steal an idea from the Sailor Senshi and teleport there?" Rei asked.
"Why didn't I think of that?" Asuka asked.
"Because you have no brain?" Shinji inquired.
Asuka popped her knuckles, causing Shinji to hide behind Rei and Misato.
"Magical Pretty Evangelion TELEPORT!" they chanted, linking hands, pseudopods, crab claws...
Then, with the sound of an Eva passing gas, they found themselves at their desired location. And there was a horrible stench in the air. They held their breaths and ran for the REAL Emerald City. They pounded on the door frantically. Kensuke's head popped out a hole, took one whiff and collapsed. Touji's head, with a gas mask on, looked down at the visitors.
"What the hell do you want?" Touji asked.
"We want to see the Wizard!" Misato yelled.
"Why?" Touji asked.
"Because he's the only one who can help us!" Misato yelled.
"You know, you don't have to yell." Touji answered.
"YES WE DO!!" they hollered.
"Why?" Touji asked.
"BECAUSE WE WANT TO COME IN TO KEEP FROM HAVING TO SMELL THAT HORRIBLE STENCH!!" they yelled.
"Why didn't you just say that to begin with?" Touji answered.
The gates opened up, allowing the five to run in. The gates slammed shut.
"Go on through. The wizard is through the ninteenth door after two lefts and three rights." Touji said, pointing as he pulled his mask off. After they left, Touji released the breath he had been holding.
[Better not let anyone know the gas mask doesn't stop the smell. Hmmm.... I think I'll let Kensuke wear it next time...] Touji thought to himself.
The group, once they managed to find the Wizard's room (after passing 62 Starbucks, a JCPenny, a Dayton's, a Sears, fifteen motels and three separate strip malls), entered. They watched as a face appeared in front of them. It looked rather small and there weren't any flames around it.
"i am the great and powerful wizard of oz. what is it that you wish to ask of me?" the face squeaked out.
"What?" Misato asked.
"damn it all... one moment..." the face squeaked.
Suddenly, flames burst forth and the face grew to the generic huge face (tm).
"I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ!! WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WISH TO ASK OF ME?!?!" The face bellowed.
"Well, I need to get home, Pen-Pen needs a bigger bladder, Asuka needs a brain, Shinji needs a spine and Rei needs either a heart or some better oil and some weapon systems." Misato answered.
"BEFORE I CAN HELP YOU, I MUST ASK THAT YOU DO THREE TASKS AND ANSWER THREE QUESTIONS." the face declared.
"What are these three tasks and questions?" Misato asked.
"THE FIRST TASK IS TO GET RID OF THAT ANNOYING WICKED WIZARD OF THE WEST, GENDO IKARI. FOR THIS TASK, I SHALL GRANT YOU TEMPORARY USE OF THESE FIVE COINS!" The face declared before multi-colored lightning shot out of conveniently nearby tesla-coils.
The lightning formed into three... five coins. The coins were in oddly shaped holders. Misato recognized them as morphers from the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers show. They all blinked.
"EVA-00!" Rei yelled.
"EVA-01!" Shinji yelled.
"EVA-02!" Asuka yelled.
"QWUAG!" Pen-Pen "Qwuag"ed.
"EVA-05!" Misato yelled.
"GO EVA RANGERS!" They shouted in unison.
They ran across the hall into Gendo's room and shot him. Repeatedly. With big guns. Reloading when necessary. Then, they ran back across the hall into the Wizard's room.
"GOOD WORK. I HATED IT WHEN HE'D PLAY THAT DAMN SHAWN MULLINS CD FOR HOURS ON END. HE'S AN OKAY SINGER, IT'S JUST THAT AFTER THREE TIMES AROUND, IT GETS REALLY ANNOYING. NOW, YOU MUST FIND ME... A CHOCOLATE PUDDING CUP!" The huge face declared.
After they finished complaining, they ran out into the hall where they ran into a chocolate pudding vendor who wouldn't be back until Thursday, so it was very lucky that they met him now, since it was Friday. When they returned, half a minute later, the wizard gave them their final task.
"GET ME AN EXTENSION ON MY MORTGAGE PAYMENT." The face demanded.
And so, they went to the Wizard's mortgage company. Within nine minutes, after talking with a bad-tempered and foul-mouthed rep named "Tasuki", the company's building was on fire and the wizard would have a LONG extension.
"NOW EACH OF YE MUST ANSWER ME THESE QUESTIONS THREE! E'RE THE GIFTS YE WANT YE SEE!" The face decreed, trying to rhyme boomingly.
"Ask us the questions, Wizard, we're not afraid!" Shinji declared.
"WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES?" The face asked.
"Shinji." Shinji answered.
"Asuka." Asuka answered.
"Rei." Rei answered.
"Qwuag!" Pen-Pen squaked.
"Misato." Misato answered.
Suddenly, Pen-Pen, since the Wizard couldn't interpret his answer, was launched up into the air and fell into a conveniently placed Chasm of Doom.
"OH, I FORGOT TO MENTION, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MESS UP. NOW, ON TO THE NEXT QUESTION: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?" the face asked.
The group was now visibly sweating at the idea of suffering the same fate as the poor Hotspring penguin.
"BLUE!" they responded in unison.
"AND WHAT.... DID YOU WANT ME TO DO FOR YOU?" the face asked.
"I wanna a brain!" Asuka yelled.
"I wanna a spine!" Shinji yelled.
"I wanna a heart or a better oil and some weapon systems!" Rei yelled.
"And I wanna go home!" Misato finished.
"Qwuaaaaaag..." came Pen-Pen's voice from the Chasm of Doom.
Suddenly, the face and flames vanished as Makoto Hyuuga stepped out from behind a nearby curtain. With him were four rather large and tough looking girls. Three of the girls grabbed Rei, Asuka and Shinji. The last one disappeared into the Chasm of Doom and returned with Pen-Pen. Makoto, all of the girls (except Misato), Shinji and Pen-Pen vanished for a while.
About nine hours, actually. Misato had enough time to shop a bit at the various strip malls, steal a cup of coffee from each of the Starbucks, find a bathroom, "freshen up", and play a few games of Street Fighter 2 Turbo before returning and drumming her fingers on the floor for about half an hour because she had run out of money.
She was just about to comtemplate robbing the Starbucks when Rei, Asuka, Shinji, Pen-Pen and Makoto entered the room. Rei was dancing and singing "Stay Tonight" by Eagle Eye Cherry. Shinji was making snide comments about Asuka and didn't even flinch when Asuka punched him. Asuka, after she calmed down, apologized about her actions and offered to bandage the injury for Shinji, should he require it. And Pen-Pen wasn't wetting on the floor.
"Okay, most of it was easy, although finding a larger bladder and actually fitting it into Pen-Pen, which was extremely difficult." Makoto answered.
"So, how about me going home?" Misato asked.
"Oh, that's easy." said Hikari, the Good Witch of the North, said.
"Oh, sure. Ruin the whole scene with the balloon, why don't you? We only spent nine thousand dollars on the damn thing." Makoto growled.
"Fine, fine." Hikari sulked.
"Okay, everyone into the balloon!" Makoto said.
Once Shinji, Asuka, Rei, Pen-Pen, Hikari, Makoto and Misato got into the balloon, they began flying upwards and away from the Emerald City. Then, Makoto motioned to Hikari.
"Oh, I can finally tell her? Oh, _THANK YOU_." Hikari answered, sarcastically.
She turned to Misato.
"You can return home by chugging these magic beers and chanting "There's no place like home", then smashing them against your forehead until you pass out." Hikari declared, handing Misato her first beer.
"Shouldn't it be something like clicking my heels together and saying "There's no place like home"?" Misato asked.
"That's the ORIGINAL version. This one is YOUR dream." Hikari answered.
"Well, I suppose it WOULD have to do with alcohol, but it's still a stupid way." Misato answered.
She chugged her first beer, belched out "There's no place like home", and crushed the can against her forehead.
She chugged her next beer, belched out "There's no place like home", and crushed the can against her forehead.
She chugged her next beer, belched out "There's no place like home", and crushed the can against her forehead, noticing she was getting a bit dizzy.
She chugged her next beer, belched out "There's no place like home", and crushed the can against her forehead, noticing things were getting fuzzy.
She chugged her next beer, belched out "There's no place like home", and crushed the can against her forehead, and promptly collapsed.
When she finally awoke, she was laying on a bed in a hospital. It was the same room that Shinji always seemed to wake up in. She also had a circular bruise on her forehead that resembled the bottom of a beer can. It also might have been considered a crescent moon or a VERY strange hickey.
"Misato, you're finally awake." Ritsuko said, sitting down next to her best friend.
"Ritsuko! I had the most vivid dream! And everyone was there! Except Kaji, and that's important because it was a glaring detail at the moment!" Misato began.
EVERYONE WINDS UP HAPPY, SAVE KAJI ENDING
Then, everyone, save Kaji, lived happily ever after.
SAD ENDING
Then, the Hand of God came down and blew up the Earth.
PERVERTED ENDING
Then, they all got it on, save Kaji and Gendo, just to prove that they weren't the kind of people that anyone likes.
CROSSOVER PERVERTED ENDING
Then, a bunch of anime guys and girls appeared and they all got it on.
FUSION ENDING
Then, Misato realized that her real name was Nabiki Tendo...
SELF INSERTION ENDING #1
"And you all owe it to me." A-kun said, strutting in a g-string.
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!" Maya, Ritsuko, Misato and a bunch of other babes said, clinging to him.
SELF INSERTION ENDING #2
"And you all owe it to me." ????? said, strutting in a string bikini (minus the top).
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!" Maya, Ritsuko, Misato and a bunch of other babes said, clinging to her.
STUPID ENDING
Then they decided to upgrade the MAGI to Windows '98. The MAGI promptly crashed. Everyone then decided to star in a long string of bad fanfics.
UNUSUAL ENDING
"Let's have a bake sale." Misato declared.
WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING ENDING
With the evil demon-god Irlaumino defeated, Ilassi and Tumluo hobbled back to their home to recover and live a long life. As brother and sister (man and wife, dentist and pot-bellied pig - Environmentally unsafe and outsound TharzZzDunN).
THE END
====================
Man, this was.... strange. Well, good night.
A-kun reply at akun15@hotmail.com
Waaaaaaaay too much soda, methinks.
????? don't have an e-mail address, so just send it to A-kun
Original Casting List:
Misato as Dorothy
Shinji as the Cowardly Lion
Asuka as the Scarecrow
Rei as the Tin-(wo)man
Gendo as the Wicked Witch of the West
SEELE Council Members as the Flying Monkeys
Kaji as the Leader of the Little people
Makoto as the Wizard
Maya as Beer Vendor
Ritsuko as Beer Vendor's sexy assistant
Shigeru as Pink Elephant #1/Postman on bike in the tornado
Fuyutsuki as Sneezy the Dwarf
Pen-Pen as Toto
Kensuke and Touji as the guards of the Emerald City (renamed Tokyo 3 for some reason)
Hikari Horaki as the Good Witch of the North
Yui as the Good Witch of the South
Naoko as the Good Witch of the South's shoe polisher
Random Tech named A-kun as Wicked Wizard of the East (who gets nailed by a beer truck "WENDY, I CAN FLY!" *SPLAT* (gets crushed by Misato's Camaro))