DISCLAIMER: You all know the drill - Paramount is God. All hail Paramount. They own everything in the Star Trek Universe - I'm just using my overactive imagination to take their characters where they refuse to go. All in the name of fun, not profit (I wish).
ORDER AND CHAOS
CHAPTER NINE: INNER VOICES, PART II
Chief Medical Officer's log, Stardate 54132.5 - Against my better judgment, I've cleared Captain Janeway for a return to duty. I can find nothing wrong with her physically, but I'm concerned about her mental state. Commander Chakotay has convinced me that returning to duty will be beneficial to her, and as I have no solid arguments against his theory I'm forced to go along with it.
The Captain has shown steady improvement over the past week. She has been interacting with the crew and overall seems to be returning to normal. However, I'm concerned that she does not seem to show any emotional reaction to the trauma of her assimilation. Although I know the Captain to be a restrained person under normal circumstances, I find this detached behavior unusual, even for her.
The Doctor leaned back in his chair thoughtfully. "I still have reservations, Commander. I would prefer it if she returned to limited duty only for the time being."
Chakotay sighed. "I honestly think this is best. I know she always likes to submerge herself in her duties to take her mind of something."
He stood up. "That's precisely my concern. She hasn't had her mind on it at all. I don't believe she's actually dealt with what happened to her."
Chakotay frowned, wavering.
The Doctor moved around his desk. "Being assimilated by the Borg is possibly the most severely traumatic experience any one of us could ever encounter. Imagine -- your individuality is stripped away from you, your very thoughts, your will, your personality…all sucked into the massive void that is the Borg Collective."
Chakotay sighed. "And she hasn't talked about it to anyone, as far as I know."
"Precisely. Her state after we revived her also concerns me since we haven't found an explanation for it."
"You can hardly call our information on victims of assimilation extensive, Doctor, and you removed your psychology subroutines years ago. Exactly what are you basing this…diagnosis of yours on?"
"Quite frankly…instinct. I just have a feeling that something is wrong with the Captain."
"I must admit I've had the same feeling." He thought for a moment. "Leaving her to brood in her quarters hasn't done any good. I think we should let her return to duty. Her insistence alone I take to be a good sign." The Doctor opened his mouth to protest, but Chakotay forestalled him, holding up his hand. "And I promise I'll keep an eye out for any signs that something is wrong."
"Fair enough," the Doctor grumbled.
* * *
The gentle hum of the turbolift was the only sound in the small space as they rode to the bridge. Chakotay stood next to the Captain as they stared at the doors, but after a few seconds his eyes darted towards her, then back to the door. He only lasted a few seconds before he looked back at her again and broke the heavy silence.
"Are you sure you feel up to this?"
She glanced over at him reprovingly. "I'm fine, Commander." Rebuffed, he turned back to the front of the turbolift. Her expression softened after a few seconds. "Do you really think I'd be doing this is I didn't feel up to it?"
He smirked. "I wouldn't put anything past you, Kathryn."
The doors opened to the bridge and as soon as they stepped out every officer on duty stood at attention.
"Captain on the bridge," announced Tuvok solemnly.
She acknowledged him with a nod and made her way over to her chair. She stood for a moment, looking around the bridge and meeting the eyes of all her officers.
"It's good to have you back, Captain," said Harry, grinning from ear to ear.
"Thank you, Ensign."
She lowered herself into her chair and crossed her legs, and Chakotay took his seat beside her.
A heavy silence fell over the bridge. Nobody really knew what to say, and the Captain didn't seem to be in a mood to start idle conversation. In fact, they could all sense the difference in her mood, although if asked to pinpoint it none of them could have identified what it was they thought was different about her.
After about twenty minutes, she turned to Chakotay. "I'll be in my ready room. There are probably a hundred reports sitting on my desk."
"Do you want some help?"
"No thank you." She rose from her chair. "You have the bridge, Commander."
They all watched her go with concern, and Tom swiveled around in his chair with a raised eyebrow. Chakotay merely shrugged and looked at the doors to her ready room with a frown.
* * *
The Captain spent her entire shift in her ready room going over reports. Chakotay would normally give her at least an hour after their shift was over before he approached her, but he only gave her ten minutes this time.
He heard her acknowledge his presence outside her ready room, and he stepped through the doors. She was sitting behind her desk surrounded by PADDs.
"Something I can do for you, Commander?"
"Your shift ended ten minutes ago."
She looked up in surprise. "Did it?" She smiled slightly. "I guess I lost track of time reading Tuvok's fascinating security report."
He chuckled, glad to see her sense of humor returning. "Catching up?" he asked, picking up a report from Stellar Cartography that was three weeks old.
She nodded. "I wanted to get myself up to speed."
"Did you take a look at Harry's report on your rescue? I was thinking we should give him a commendation for quick thinking."
There was a subtle change in her demeanor. "No, I haven't gotten to that yet."
"Oh." He cleared his throat. "I think I mentioned that Axum has asked to stay on board? I assume that you don't have any objections to that?"
"Hm? Oh, no, of course not."
"I was hoping you would have some suggestions for where to assign him. I thought you could talk to him and see where his interest lies."
"You can assign him wherever you think best."
He arched an eyebrow in surprise -- normally she liked to have a hand in anything concerning the crew. "If you want. I thought you would be interested to speak with him in any case."
"Maybe some other time."
"Join me for dinner?"
She glanced up again from the reports. "Actually, I was just going to replicate something in my quarters. I have a lot of work to do."
He forced a smile. "Then I'll see you tomorrow."
She nodded and turned her attention back to her reports, but when she heard the doors close she looked up and stared at them with remorse. She didn't know why she had turned down his offer. They hadn't had dinner since…since she had left on the away mission.
But unless she was alone, she felt smothered. She couldn't explain it…she just felt relieved whenever everyone left her alone. She heaved a deep sigh and gathered up the reports she still had to read, then left to spend the night reading in her quarters.
* * *
The Captain strode into the briefing room purposefully, coffee cup in hand. She didn't seem to notice the grins on the faces around the table, thrilled to have her back where she belonged.
She took her seat and looked neutrally around the table before she nodded to Chakotay to take the lead.
"Tom, how are the repairs on the Flyer coming?" he asked.
"We finished last night."
"We'd like to take it out for a short test drive just to work the kinks out," added Harry.
The Captain held up a hand. "Repaired from what? If I remember correctly, the Delta Flyer ended up in about a million pieces."
They looked down at the table, embarrassed. "Sorry, Captain," said Harry. "We rebuilt the Flyer after we rescued Tuvok and B'Elanna. We tried fitting a transwarp coil into her."
"Where did you get a transwarp coil?"
"Korok's sphere was destroyed," Harry informed her. "Seven managed to build a makeshift coil from the one we recovered from the debris."
"Unfortunately, the coil overloaded," said Seven.
The Captain glanced at her then turned back to Tom and Harry. "How extensive was the damage?"
"There was a hull breach near the cargo bay," Tom informed her. "And quite a few blown plasma relays. We had to make some adjustments to the power grid and refit the impulse drive."
"We still haven't had a chance to put the new warp drive through her paces or take the boosted impulse drive to her full capacity."
She smirked. "No wonder you're wanting to take her out." She pointed her finger at them. "As long as it's a short test flight, nothing more. I don't need to be scraping you two off an asteroid belt in your fancy new hot rod." She gave the last two words enough biting sarcasm that they nodded solemnly. "Anything else?"
"I'm happy to report the crew's morale has improved," said Neelix with a knowing smile. "Now that we've retrieved you, Captain."
"Thank you, Neelix. How are we doing for food supplies?"
"We should be good for at least another month, but there's plenty of room in the cargo bay if we get a chance to re-supply."
"There's an outpost about twenty-five light-years from our current position," added Harry. "It's only two days off our course."
She turned to the opposite side of the table. "Doctor, what about our medical supplies?"
"We're doing fine, but there's no reason we couldn't stock up."
"Icheb and I have been working on modifications to the lateral sensor array," offered Seven. "But there are components that we require."
"Sounds like we'll be making a detour," she said with a smile, and the staff chuckled. "Prepare lists of whatever you need and get them to Commander Chakotay by 1300 hours tomorrow. Anything else?"
"I assigned Axum to Engineering," said Chakotay.
"His choice?" asked Tom.
"Actually, he was thinking about Security or Tactical."
"However," interjected Tuvok, "I did not believe that would be wise."
"You think he's a security risk?" asked the Captain.
"I have no reason to consider him a security risk…but I have no reason to trust him, either."
Seven bristled. "If it were not for Axum's assistance we could all be dead and the Captain would still be in Unimatrix One," she said tersely. "What further proof do you need that he can be trusted?"
"He does not have the proper training."
Seven was about to object, but the Captain looked at her sternly. "Seven." She turned to Tuvok. "I hope you intend to give Axum a fair chance."
"Of course, Captain."
She nodded. "Then if there's nothing further, you're dismissed."
Everyone left except Seven, who approached the head of the table. "Captain, I believe that Commander Tuvok -- "
The Captain held her hand up. "Seven, I trust Tuvok's judgment. If you have a problem, take it up with him."
Seven started back, surprised. She couldn't remember when the Captain had ever been unwilling to hear her out, even if she would have disagreed with her in the end. "Of course, Captain."
* * *
Captain's personal log, Stardate 54151.6 - My first week back on duty has been uneventful. I've spent most of the time catching up on reports in my quarters. I've found that immersing myself in my work has prevented me from dwelling unnecessarily on recent events.
"Coffee, black."
A silver mug of the dark liquid materialized in the replicator, and the Captain wrapped her fingers around it and lifted it to her face, savoring the aroma and the warmth as it seeped into her hand.
The silence in her quarters was oppressive, and she could almost hear her heart beating in her chest. She moved over to her favorite chair and sat down, picking up another report. She only lasted a fraction of a second before she set it down and looked around her empty quarters. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt this isolated, and the walls of her quarters seemed to close in on her. She could swear she was becoming claustrophobic.
"Computer," she said finally, her own voice seeming to echo off the walls. "Access my personal music database. Play…selection twenty-three alpha."
The soft notes of a Mozart piano concerto floated across the room, and she sighed and leaned back in her chair.
Chakotay had suggested she join him on the holodeck -- some new program Tom Paris had engineered, a large number of the crew was going to be there -- but being around people made her feel more suffocated and closed in than the confining walls of her empty quarters.
Resolving to ignore her uneasiness, she returned to the report. It took her twice as long as usual to peruse it, and she had finished her cup of coffee by the time she was ready for the next report. She discovered that she had made her way through the entire stack beside her chair, so she gathered them up and rose from her chair to exchange them for another pile on her desk.
Halfway to her desk, a multitude of whispers abruptly surrounded her and she had a sudden flash of being on a Borg cube. She dropped the stack of PADDs and looked around in alarm. The whispers and the vision evaporated as suddenly as they had appeared, and she knelt down to pick up the PADDs with trembling hands.
The chaos of whispers returned again, louder, and before she could even look around she found herself on a Borg cube. The whispers became a loud turmoil of shouting that was deafening to her ears. Her surroundings came into focus, and she found herself staring at the Borg Queen, who was circling her with a satisfied smirk on her face.
"I think I'm going to enjoy having you here, Captain," she hissed.
It all faded abruptly, and she collapsed on the floor, incapacitated by a sudden flood of emotions. She sat there, gasping for breath, trying to control the fury of thoughts and feelings that overpowered her.
The chime on her door echoed through the room with an unnatural volume, and she looked up, startled. It rang again before she found her voice. "Come in," she stammered.
Chakotay entered and looked around momentarily before he saw her sitting on the floor next to the scattered PADDs.
"I dropped them," she explained quickly before he had a chance to wonder what was going on.
He chuckled and moved over to help her gather them up. She set them on her desk, still trying to hide her agitation.
"I came by to see if I couldn't change your mind about coming to the holodeck," he said as she arranged the PADDs and searched around for the stack she wanted to go over next.
"Not tonight. I still have quite a bit of work to do."
"Why don't you come spend an hour or two on the holodeck and I'll give you a hand with those reports."
"That's very generous, but I'll be fine."
He paused, trying to decide whether or not to push the issue. She had been systematically avoiding any interaction with the crew since her recovery, and he knew she spent most nights in her quarters reading reports. "Kathryn, I really think it would do you good to relax for a few hours."
"I'll relax when I see fit, Commander," she snapped. When she saw his hurt and surprised reaction, she sighed and squeezed the bridge of her nose between her fingers. "I'm sorry," she sighed. "I just don't feel like it tonight. I've got a splitting headache."
"Maybe you should get the Doctor to give you an analgesic."
"Oh, I'm sure it won't last long."
He reluctantly started to leave. "If you're sure."
She nodded. "Well…good night, then."
"Good night, Kathryn. Sleep well."
With that, he left her alone and the oppressive silence descended on her again, the music notes playing softly in the background. Sleep well. She sighed. The truth was, she hadn't been sleeping well at all, and she counted herself lucky that he hadn't noticed yet.
She really was getting a headache now, so she gave in and threw the PADD in her hand down on the desk, scattering the neat organized piles. What she needed was a nice hot bath…then she would call it a night.
She only hoped her sleep would be undisturbed.
* * *
The holodeck doors slid open and Chakotay stepped through them to find himself in some sort of log cabin. There was a large fireplace at one end of the large room, and he could see mountain ranges out the window.
"Well?" asked Tom, approaching him.
"What is it?"
"A ski resort in the Canadian Rockies. What do you think?"
"Not bad." He followed Tom across the room to the table where B'Elanna was already seated.
"You should try some of the slopes," said Tom as they walked. "They're fabulous. The equipment's right over there if you're interested."
"I take it you couldn't talk the Captain into joining you?" B'Elanna asked as they sat down.
He shook his head. "She said she had work to do. Then she said she had a headache."
"It's like she's avoiding us," said Tom.
"I think that's exactly what she's doing," said B'Elanna. "I swear she hasn't said ten words to me since we rescued her."
"She seems withdrawn," agreed Chakotay. "But she may genuinely have work to do. I can't tell."
"If you can't read her, Chakotay, nobody can," offered B'Elanna.
"I haven't been able to read her for weeks. It's like she's…"
"Still a drone?" offered Tom.
"No…"
"It's like she's Vulcan," muttered B'Elanna.
Chakotay looked up at her in surprise. "That's exactly what she's like. It's like she's not experiencing emotions at all."
"She did have a mind meld with Tuvok," said Tom. "Maybe some of his Vulcan discipline rubbed off on her."
Chakotay nodded. "I'll talk to him first thing tomorrow."
* * *
We are the Borg. Resistance is futile.
Captain Janeway flinched and jerked her head violently in her sleep, beads of sweat on her forehead.
Your biological distinctiveness will be added to our own. Our minds will become one.
She awoke with a piercing scream and sat in her bed trembling, covered in a cold sweat. She lifted up her hands in front of her face. She could still feel the nanoprobes moving under her skin and through the rest of her body.
She jumped out of bed, her breath coming in rapid, irregular gasps, and stumbled across the room. She leaned against the dresser, and in a sudden fit of rage swept her arm across it, throwing everything on it to the floor with a resounding crash. Her chest heaving with uncontrollable sobs, she sank down to the floor and hugged her knees to her chest, overwhelmed by sudden terror.
Her breathing eventually slowed and the flood of emotions subsided abruptly, leaving her with the cold, empty numbness that she was slowly becoming accustomed to. She looked around at her disheveled bedroom.
"What's happening to me?" she whispered to the walls.