DISCLAIMER: You all know the drill - Paramount is God. All hail Paramount. They own everything in the Star Trek Universe - I'm just using my overactive imagination to take their characters where they refuse to go. All in the name of fun, not profit (I wish).
ORDER AND CHAOS
CHAPTER ELEVEN: RELEASE
The chime echoed through her quarters, startling the Captain. She folded her book closed and sat up in her chair. "Come in."
Chakotay stepped in tentatively and their eyes met. "Anything interesting from home?"
She forced a smile. "Starfleet wants information on the Borg, of course. And my mother wants to make sure I'm not skipping breakfast."
"Well, I see you're working hard on your replies."
He was smiling, but she could tell from his penetrating gaze that underneath his joking sarcasm he was serious. "I didn't think I would be able to get the reports for Starfleet done before it was time to transmit the datastream so I decided to wait."
"Didn't you expect that they would want a report?"
She eyed him warily. "It didn't come as a surprise, no."
He moved farther into the room and took a chair facing her. "But you didn't prepare your report ahead of time?" He could sense her becoming defensive. This wasn't going to be easy.
She stared back at him. "No," she said curtly.
He watched her for a few more seconds, then leaned forward with a sigh, his elbows resting on his knees. "Kathryn…I think it's time you dealt with what happened to you."
He could see her entire body tense up. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"The hell you don't. It's been over a month and you haven't said a word about what you went through. You're avoiding me, you're avoiding the crew, you're avoiding writing up reports to Starfleet…"
"You concern is noted, Commander, but -- "
"Stop it, Kathryn," he snapped.
She started at his tone. "Stop what?"
He leaned closer to her and lowered his voice. "Commander. You haven't called me by name once, not once, since we rescued you."
She stared back at him, speechless, her expression neutral.
"You haven't been yourself," he added softly.
Her barriers were starting to show cracks as she rubbed the side of her head. "I haven't felt like myself," she said quietly.
"Then tell me about it. Talk to me, Kathryn."
She closed her eyes and shook her head. "I can't."
He reached over and took her hand. "I want to help you."
"You don't understand," she said, her voice wavering, "I can't!" She tore her hand from his and jumped up, turning to the window. "I can't think about it, I can't write a report about it…I can't even look B'Elanna in the eye."
He frowned -- it appeared that B'Elanna's suspicions had been correct. "Why B'Elanna?"
She didn't turn around. "Because her face was the last thing I saw before…before I was assimilated. And Seven…" She sighed. "I know she means well, but I can't look at her, or Axum, or Icheb, without…"
He sighed. "Kathryn…we're all here to help you."
She didn't answer. As she stared out the window, the familiar mass of voices returned and she gasped, putting a hand to her head.
He rose from his chair and moved towards her. "Kathryn?"
The thunderous chaos of voices was deafening, and she thought she cried out. Suddenly, she was standing in the Unicomplex, and the Borg Queen was circling her. There was an image of Voyager on a viewscreen…but it wasn't the only thing she was watching. She could feel countless minds, all working together. She was in a thousand, a million places at once. She had no individual will, no thoughts of her own. She was submerged in a sea of endless voices, with no way to get out.
"Voyager could still pose a significant tactical treat," hissed the Borg Queen. "What should we do with them?"
She could hear her voice but had no control over the words. "Federation vessel. Intrepid class. USS Voyager. One hundred and forty-one life forms. Their biological and technical distinctiveness will be added to our own."
"And what if they resist assimilation?"
"Resistance is futile."
She screamed, horrified at her own coldness. A rush of violent sensations incapacitated her as the vision faded, and she wasn't aware of anything but the intense waves of emotion. They pounded against her, one after the other, until she could hear herself screaming for them to stop. Images from her assimilation hit her in rapid succession, fragmented and distorted. She gasped, overwhelmed by the onslaught of memories and sensations.
Then she became aware of something else. Someone had their arms around her, comforting her. She pulled them closer.
Chakotay gently stroked her hair. "I'm right here, Kathryn," he said for the third time. He didn't know whether she'd heard him. As soon as she had cried out and collapsed on the floor in hysterics, he had moved over and tried to talk to her. She wouldn't respond -- she seemed to be hallucinating. She had her knees pulled close to her chest, and he sat behind her with her arms around her.
She finally opened her eyes, and when she turned her head and looked at him her eyes were clear and focused. They were swimming with tears, and after a few seconds she turned around and buried her head in his shoulder, wrapping her arms around his neck.
"Chakotay," she sobbed softly.
He held her tighter. "It's okay, Kathryn. Let it out."
She choked out another sob and pulled him closer. "Help me."
* * *
Captain Janeway tilted her head obediently to the side as the Doctor pressed a hypospray against her neck with a soft hiss. He withdrew it and she rubbed her hand over the tingling area on her neck.
"This should inhibit your REM sleep and prevent any more nightmares," he continued as he attached a cortical inhibitor to her temple. "But it's only a temporary solution. After more than two nights without REM sleep you'll start to feel the effects."
"I'll be grateful for just one night of uninterrupted sleep."
She was sitting on the edge of her bed, dressed in her peach nightgown, as the Doctor and Chakotay stood opposite her. "You should have come to me sooner," complained the Doctor as he packed up his medkit. He was about to continue reprimanding her lack of concern for her health, but Chakotay caught his eye and shook his head slightly.
"Well," he said, clearing his throat. "Sleep well, Captain."
"Thank you, Doctor."
"You're welcome. Computer, dim lights to five percent."
Chakotay followed the Doctor out of her bedroom and accompanied him into the corridor. "What happened?"
"Looks like you were right," said Chakotay. "I confronted her like we decided and she admitted she had been avoiding the crew. She said she hadn't felt like herself. Then she just collapsed on the floor in hysterics. It seemed like she was hallucinating."
"She may have been experiencing memories of her assimilation."
"It seemed much more serious than that, Doctor."
"You'd be surprised. I've read that flashbacks in people suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome can be so vivid the patient is essentially reliving the experience. These flashbacks are usually accompanied by a flood of emotions."
"That sounds about right." He thought for a moment. "So now that we know what's wrong, what do we do about it?"
"I'm not sure. I'll start going through the database and try to devise some kind of treatment."
* * *
Captain's personal log, Stardate 54235.7 - For the first time since my return to Voyager, I actually feel like myself again. My meditation sessions with Tuvok have helped me deal with the emotions that have been surfacing, but Chakotay has been the most help. Our talks always leave me feeling calmer and more at peace with what I went through.
Chakotay sat patiently on the floor across from Kathryn, watching her in deep concentration.
"Breathe slower," he said softly. "Focus on the sound of my voice."
She complied, slowing her breathing as she sat cross-legged in front of his medicine bundle.
She felt her surroundings start to slip away. She was somewhere dark, warm, and comforting. Chakotay's voice was barely audible, but it acted as an anchor as she slowly drifted away from her quarters.
His voice became quieter, then underwent a subtle change. She tried to make it out, but it dropped to a whisper. Then, the whisper grew louder. There were two voices…then five…then ten…then more than she could count.
The voices didn't belong to Chakotay…they were Borg voices. She tried to control her rising panic as the voices began to smother her.
"Kathryn?"
Chakotay's voice finally cut through the chaotic whispers, and she was brought back to her quarters. Her hand jumped back from the akoonah as if shocked. She looked up at his concerned face.
"Are you all right?" he asked gently.
She covered her mouth with a shaking hand and slowly rose from the floor. She walked over to the window and leaned against it with one arm, looking very unsteady on her feet.
He waited patiently, and after a minute she turned around, running her fingers through her hair. "I just can't shake this," she said, her voice trembling. She pressed the back of her hand against her mouth, her fingers quivering. "It's like they're still inside my head." She abruptly balled her hand into a fist and slammed it against the wall. "I should be able to get past this."
Chakotay stood up and moved over to stand next to her. "You may be stubborn, Kathryn, but not even you can use willpower to make the aftereffects of assimilation just disappear."
She smiled slightly and turned her head to look at him. "Now I know why you've always been apprehensive of the Borg. It's…." She trailed off, unable to put the feeling into words.
Chakotay rested his hand on her shoulder, silently encouraging her to go on.
"I never saw this side of it before," she continued softly. "To me they were always just a faceless, ruthless enemy. I never realized how they could so completely take away your identity…." The rest of her sentence never came out as she choked out a sob.
Chakotay stepped forward and took both her hands in his. "They can't take that away from you, Kathryn."
She collapsed weakly against the wall and slowly slid down until she was sitting on the floor with her knees tucked up to her chest. Chakotay knelt down, remaining level with her. She slowly rested her head on her knees, and after a few seconds her shoulders began shaking softly with muffled sobs.
Chakotay put his arm around her shoulders and gently pulled her closer to him until her head was resting on his shoulder. She remained there in silence for several minutes.
"Do you know what my last thought was?" she whispered.
"Hm?"
"When I was assimilated," she explained. She took a deep breath before she continued. "The last thing I remember… is you."
He frowned. "What do you mean?"
She flashed him a wry smile. "I was on a Borg cube, Voyager was in danger, and I was being assimilated… and the only thing I remember thinking about was you. How you were right to warn me against it… how you would be devastated… how many regrets I had."
Chakotay was at a loss for words and remained silent.
"Afterwards," she continued softly, "when I was back on Voyager… it was all such a blur. Nothing seemed real. I thought I was dreaming, or hallucinating, or still on the Borg cube." She smiled and reached up to trail her hand gently against his face. "You grounded me. You were the only thing that made sense. The only voice that got through… the only thing that kept me going."
He swallowed the growing lump in his throat. "Kathryn…."
"I don't know what I would have done without you."
He reached up and gently pulled her hand away from his face. "Kathryn, you've been through a lot. I don't think -- "
" -- that I'm thinking clearly. That I know what I'm saying. That I've thought this through. But you aren't listening to me… I wasn't able to see clearly until everything else was silenced."
Before he was able to say another word, she leaned forward abruptly and kissed him. He resisted at first, but she wrapped her hands around the back of head and pulled him closer. He felt the warmth of her breath in his mouth, and he gave in and returned the kiss, reaching up to entwine his fingers in her hair.
When they finally broke apart, neither of them spoke. Their understanding was that complete. Chakotay gently pulled Kathryn towards him, and she rested her head on his shoulder in silence.
After a few minutes, she smiled contentedly and closed her eyes.
The voices were gone. There was peace at last.