The Sequel to the sequel to the sequel... ah hell... screw the old title.
You know your anime is whack when...
=====================================================================================
Revolutionary Girl Utena
Utena and Miki trading blows when a cry from Anthy caught their attention.
"What?" Utena asked.
"Look up there!" Anthy said.
Miki and Utena looked up to see someone walking on the ramparts of the mirage castle. Suddenly, that someone lost their footing, yelped and fell screaming to the platform. At the top of the staircase. The unfortunate schmuck proceeded to roll down all the steps with Miki, Utena and Anthy watching him/her.
"Well, he...notices Anthy mouth the letters 'PC' or SHE, is dogmeat now." Utena commented.
"It's your fault." Miki said.
"THE HELL IT WAS! PREPARE TO DIE, PRETTY BOY!" Utena yelled, lunging at Miki.
"Hear ye, hear ye, getcher' program here! Can't tell one bishounen from his sister without a program!"
Sayonji collapsed. Utena huffed and relaxed. She had won. Suddenly, she glanced over at two people sneaking up behind Anthy Himemiya. She was about to yell something when Juri and Miki hefted the Gatorade cooler and dumped it's contents on Anthy.
Sayonji began laughing.
"Now you're going to see my TRUE POWER! HehehehehehEHEHEHEHEHE!" Sayonji said as he began laughing hysterically.
So hysterically that he didn't notice that Utena had raised her leg until she plowed it into his groin, ending the fight.
Chu-Chu pokes Sayonji in the leg with charged cardiac paddle while he was standing in a puddle of water (um, yeah, water, that's it.....).
Nanami (Whore of Babylon) motioned to the waiter (jellyfish-boy). He nodded and picked up the champagne bottle. He walked towards Anthy, when suddenly, the false bottom exploded, drenching Nanami (brazen strumpet) with coins.
Anthy looked at Nanami, then at the bottle.
"There's my piggy-bank." Anthy commented.
Sayonji began laughing.
"Now you're going to see my TRUE POWER! HehehehehehEHEHEHEHEHE!" Sayonji said as he began laughing hysterically.
So hysterically that he peed down his leg, causing him to slip and impale Adam Sandler.
Utena stopped. She thought about it and she realized it made sense. She was the main character, so she should be able to do whatever the hell she wanted. She was destined to win, after all. She raised her sword and grinned evilly.
"OMNISLASH!" Utena cried, lunging at her opponent using Cloud Strife's final technique from Final Fantasy 7....
"Well, Ms. Serpent, I hope you and Ms. Utena get along." the guidance counselor said, walking out of the room.
Utena got nervous. First of all, this wasn't the normal detention room. This wasn't even the emergency detention room. Secondly, the guidance counselor had thick earplugs in her ears. Thirdly, the guidance counselor took only two steps before running out of the room, slamming the door, locking it and running off.
"So, you fail to listen to authority, eh? Well, that doesn't scare the Great Naga the Serpent! OOOOOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOOO!!" Naga laughed, beginning a laughing fit.
Utena was later found in the farthest corner, whimpering for her mommy to make the bad monkey to go away.
Sayonji began laughing.
"Now you're going to see my TRUE POWER! HehehehehehEHEHEHEHEHE!" Sayonji said as he began laughing hysterically.
So hysterically that he farted, sending him rocketing off the platform to land on a snow-covered mountain and eventually win the Gold for the U.S. Women's Ski Team.
"You won't get away with this, Touga-Joker! Bat-Utena'll stop you!" Anthy cried.
"Bat-Utena?! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Bat-Utena won't be coming, Girl-Wonder." Touga-Joker laughed as he fixed his purple outfit, his white make-up and his one white glove covered in rhinestones.
"Qwaaug-Qwaaug-Qwaaaaaaug!" Penguin-Saiyonji laughed.
Juri-Ivy looked at her tight green outfit.
"Why do _I_ have to be Poison Ivy?" Juri-Ivy asked.
"At least you don't have to wear _this_ stupid get-up. I mean, how is this 'Riddler' guy supposed to scare people?" Riddler-Miki asked, as he fixed his green tuxedo and his purple mask.
"Meeeeoowww! I like this outfit." Nanami commented as she, in her tight black outfit, glomped onto Touga.
"HA! We'll see how you all like being beaten!" Bat-Utena cried as she leapt in through a window with Wakaba who was dressed in a similiar outfit, but more appropriate for her.
"Bat-Utena and Bat-Wakaba are here!" Bat-Wakaba declared.
"That's it! I want outta this thing." Riddler-Miki demanded.
"Me too. Even a fanboy lemon about me and Miki is better than this." Juri-Ivy growled.
"You all signed a contract." The Narrator told them.
Juri-Ivy and Riddler-Miki grumbled.
*BIFF* *POW* *WARK* *THROW* *LEAP* *HORK* *WHACK* *THOOM* *FWACK* *CRA-POW* *SHWING* *FLOOPLE* *HUH?!* *NARF* *POIT* *BREEEN* *PULL* *POKEMON* *BOLO* *MORK* *MINDY* *SPOON* *WHIFFLE*
[Hmmm, a Juri and Miki Lemon.... It has possibility...] the Author thought.
(1)
=====================================================================================
Sailor Moon
"#%@$ THIS! I'm going home."
The monster, Zoicite and the Sailors all looked at each other, then at the person who had just said that.
"Naru?" Sailor Moon, aka. Usagi, asked.
"I'm sick and @#%#^!@$%^!#^!$#%ing tired of being in the middle of these !@#%!@#%!#% traps! If I get caught in one, count it, ONE more trap by you Negaverse-" Naru ranted.
"Dark Kingdom...." the youma interjected.
Naru glared at him.
"We're in Japan after all." the youma answered, shrugging.
"-whatever, by you creeps, I'm going to grab all of you and #%!#$^!$^!# grey piping $^!#$^!#^!#^!#$^!#$^! dogs #$^!#$^!#^!^! frozen pickles $%&$%&*%^*@%&!$%&%^*@$ sideways until your ^!#$^!# are in your %^!#$^!#$^!$^!#$^!#$^!#$^!&^$%&@&@$ and they need a proctologist to get it out!!!" Naru yelled.
Zoicite and the Senshi stared at Naru with their mouths agape.
"I say, that Naru has quite a mouth on her." the youma commented.
(2)
You know your Anime is whack when a pair of Mickey Mouse ears are drawn on all the characters.
You know your Anime is whack when DiC or Bandai is involved.
Mercury ran faster. She knew they were gaining, but they wouldn't get the treasure. Never. She turned, pulled a pistol and fired a few shots, scattering them.
"DAMMIT! GIVE 'EM BACK!" came the angered cry from behind her.
"NEVER!" She replied, laughing before she took off again.
"This is all your fault, you know. This would never have happened if you hadn't been so enthusiatic about getting her into this." came a mutter from one of Mercury's pursuers.
"Well, how the heck was I supposed to know that she was going to react like this?" came the reply from another pursuer.
"NEVERMIND THAT! WE CAN'T LET HER GET AWAY!" a third pursuer declared.
Mercury skidded to a halt. She was at a deadend with no chance of escape. They were no doubt too close for her to double-back. She'd have to take the treasure with her. She opened her pack and dumped out the treasure. The pursuers appeared. *MUNCH**MUNCH**MUNCH*
"DAMMIT! NOW SHE'S EATING THEM!" came an enraged cry of Jupiter.
"YOU'LL NEVER HAVE MY REESES PEANUT BUTTERCUPS! _NEEEEVERRRRR_!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Mercury laughed maniacally, cramming more peanut buttercups into her mouth.
The rest of the senshi dove at her...
(3)
=====================================================================================
El Hazard
You know your Anime is whack when the title of the Anime is Magical Pretty Girl Jinnai and the title on the box says "Cutey Honey".
You know you aren't watching El Hazard when the title screen reads "Bishoujo She-male Sailor Mune".
=====================================================================================
Ranma 1/2
"Oh my. I finally beat you at Monopoly, Nabiki." Kasumi said.
[Oh no...] Nabiki thought.
"You do realize what I must do now." Kasumi said, climbing up on the table.
[Not that!] Nabiki thought.
"OOGA-CHAKA, OOGA-CHAKA, OOGA-CHAKA!" Kasumi said, singing and dancing.
"Silly Ranma, you go squish now!" Shampoo said, stepping on Ranma.
"Ow. What's that supposed to do?" Ranma asked as Shampoo stepped on his foot repeatedly.
"PREPARE FOR MY ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE, SAOTOME RANMA!" Ryouga bellowed.
Ranma prepared to defend himself, not quite knowing what to expect. Ryouga had always had the advantage of being able to find exotic and strange fighting techniques.
Ryouga closed his left eye, raised his right hand so that it was about half an inch from the eyeball. He moved his index and thumb together and separated them while saying, "Squish, squish, I'm crushing your head."
Ranma facefaulted.
You know your Anime is whack when the Jusenkyo curses are replaced by interpretive dances.
Herb and Ranma begin doing ballet.
Ryouga walks around with pork rinds, spilling them as he shoves them into his greasy, sweaty, drooling mouth.
Mousse waddles around, flapping his arms and pooping on people's cars.
Genma waddles around, flapping his arms and pooping on people.
Xian Pu vomits up hairballs on people who are wearing expensive clothing, getting every other animal in the neighborhood pregnant and then urinating in the corner of every room.
Pantyhose Tarou raises his arms above his head and stomps around with a sign that reads "I am the Rhino!" on his back.
"Of course they're all jealous of my martial talent." Ranma declared.
"Oh yeah, right! You wouldn't know what direction was up unless there was a piece of tail in the right direction." Ryouga snapped back.
"Ooooooh!" the audience winced.
Ranma looked indignant. His bodyguard stood up and loomed over Ryouga, causing the 'Lost Boy' to begin to sweat. Ryouga's bodyguard just grinned and adjusted her jacket to allow for a clear draw.
"This week on Jerry Springer, when gay divorces go bad." Narrator declared.
You know your Anime is whack when instead of turning into a girl, Ranma just puts a red bow on his head and talks in a squeaky voice.
On the door of the Nekohaten, a sign is hung that reads "For today only, fried chicken made with fifteen secret herbs and spices". Curious, a passing SI character entered and had some.
"HEY! THIS IS KFC CHICKEN!" the SI yelled.
"Damn that Colonel fellow. We had the recipe for two thousand years and he beat us to the punch by copyrighting it ten minutes before we did!" Cologne muttered to herself.
The reporter shivered involuntarily as he got ready to read the new story. The image on the screen to his upper-left displayed a picture of a train going off it's tracks and slamming into a cheese factory. The technical crew had screwed up once again and were showing the images in the wrong order.
"Today's top story. An elderly Japanese man and an elderly chinese woman hijacked a car and terrorized the town by driving around mooning people. A majority of the people who witnessed the sight are now terminally blind or have gone insane, trying to claw their eyes out. Those remaining people have locked themselves into bathrooms and are puking their guts up. The elderly people were finally stopped by a passing SI character who annihilated a six square block section of Nerima before being lead to a hospital where it is said that he will never recover from his case of terminal blindness." the reporter reported.
Suddenly, a picture of a guy's hairy ass took the place of the train/cheese factory. People just tuning in screamed and leapt back at the sight. Suddenly, a hand with toilet paper appeared to cover the sight (apparently not the owner of the butt's hand because of the angle), but still gave people a queasy sight to see.
"In further news, a train flew off it's tracks and slammed into a nearby cheese factory. No injuries are reported as of yet, but there will be no toilet paper or cheese entering the city for a week." the reporter read.
===============================================================================================
Neon Genesis Evangelion
If you see the following Angels, you know your anime is whack:
Microsoftiel - Angel of Dazing and Confusion.
HardwareHankiel - Angel of Handymen.
Texacoiel - Angel of Filthy Bathrooms.
Exxoniel - Angel of Drunken Sea Captains and Sinking Oil Tankers.
BurgerKingiel - Angel of Greasy Fast-Food.
Arbyiel - Angel of Thinly Sliced Roast-Beef.
PizzaHutiel - Angel of Surly Waiters.
PapaJohniel - Angel of Thick Crusts.
Dominosiel - Angel of Really Bad Drivers.
McDonaldsiel- Angel of REALLY Cheap Kids Toys and REALLY Cheap Intercoms.
Toy'R'Usiel - Angel of Toys and Whiny Kids.
Redneckiel - Angel of the U.S. Senate and Using Red Man.
You know your Anime is whack when your Evangelion has the STP sponsor sticker on the side.
Misato: Hey, Ritsuko. How do you get the Evas so clean?
Ritsuko: Ancient Chinese Secret.
Gendo: [entering] Dr. Akagi, [pushes glasses up. *CLACK*] we're all out of Calgon soap. Order eight more tons.
Ritsuko: [blushing with embarrassment] Yes sir.
Misato: [huffing] Ancient Chinese Secret, EH?!
Gendo: [pausing at the door] Dr. Akagi is so embarrassed that we use Calgon soap to get that special sparkle on our Evangelions. Order Calgon soap for YOUR Evangelions today. [pushes up glasses again. *CLACK*]
You know your Anime is whack when your fight with an Angel is broadcast on Pay-Per-View.
Kiel stared at Gendo sternly.
"Gendo, do _YOU_ deserve a break today?" Kiel asked.
"No one in their right mind said anything about McDonalds." Gendo answered.
You know your Anime is whack when your Evangelion broadcasts the McDonald's jingle when it's fighting.
Gendo stood up and proclaimed, "Fuyutsuki, hold the sauce... hold the lettuce... special orders don't upset us..."
You know your Anime is whack when Domino's, in the desperate attempt to beat out Pizza Hut, dresses Eva-02 as their old mascot, the Noid.
You know your Anime is whack when Marvin the chronically depressed robot is writing the script for Evangelion, the OVA series.
Scribbles in bathrooms/Bumper-Stickers often seen around Tokyo 3:
"The government will finally win when they pry my cold dead fingers from Gendo Ikari's throat."
"Kaji blows."
"Misato is a hottie."
"Rei's got back."
"Pen-Pen knows Evas."
"Order an inflatable Asuka. Hot Air not included."
"Ritsuko strokes her pussy all night long."
"For a good time, call Shinji at-"
"Kensuke yanks his crank."
"Touji pulls chains....at the church to ring the bell..."
"What do you call fifteen dead SEELE members? Clip 1."
"What do you call fifteen dead SEELE members? A slow day."
"What do you call fifteen dead SEELE members? Terrible aim."
"What do you call fifteen dead SEELE members? A good start."
"What do you call fifteen dead SEELE members? Mardi Gras!!"
"What do you call fifteen dead SEELE members? Christmas Eve."
"What do you call fifteen dead SEELE members? All I want for my birthday."
"What do you call fifteen dead SEELE members? TEqUiLA!"
===============================================================================================
Slayers
"LINA! LINA! I'VE GOT GREAT NEWS!" Gourry yelled, running to the opposite side of the room. Lina blinked as she stared across the fifty foot room crowded with dining patrons at Gourry.
"What's that, Gourry?" Lina asked.
"Now there's a maxipad with WINGS! SO YOU WON'T HAVE THAT LITTLE PROBLEM!" Gourry shouted from across the room.
Unfortunately, being across the room didn't spare Gourry from Lina's vengenance.
"NAGA! That's the sixtieth bandit you've captured and killed by forcing massive amounts of sex on them! in the last six days! And don't give me that 'but you gotta try it, Gourry' explanation. I really wanted to torture and main that one. Not to mention that we're no closer to getting the information we need." Gourry grumbled as Naga finished off the bandit by giving him a heart-attack.
You know your Anime is whack when Jusenkyo curses show up.
Lina turns into girl with boobs that need a HH-cup just for support. (so naturally, she avoids cold water for fear of gaining back problems and smothering)
Naga turns into a were-pig with an underwear fetish.
Gourry turns into a 5000 pound cyborg duck.
Zelgadis turns into a perverted (but ordinary human) girl.
Amelia turns into a dyslexic panda.
Sylphiel turns into a saber-tooth tiger with a messiah complex.
You know your Anime is whack when, to activate the Sword of Light, Gourry yells out, "BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL-"
"DAMMIT AMELIA! That's the tenth villager you've killed and devoured in the last six days! And don't give me that 'uuuuuuuuggghhhhuuuuuuhhhhh' explanation. I really liked that one." Lina growled as Amelia the zombie finished off the villager.
You know your Anime is whack when Rezo wears a black mask and starts re-enacting scenes from Star Wars.
You know your Anime is whack when Lina says, "These are not the steaks, ribs, pies, buns, oysters and fish sticks you're looking for..."
"Foolish boy, don't you know that if you marry this girl, I'll able to sit on my ass and eat all day?" Rezo whined.
"No, Rezo." Zelgadis answered.
"Grandson/Great-Grandson, I don't think you realize how desperate I am to do this. If you don't marry her, I'll be forced..... TO SING KAROAKE!!" Rezo threatened.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Zelgadis howled in terror.
The stone page of the Clair Bible had just reached the specialized slot. Suddenly, the tablet vanished. Rezo2 swung his hand and a giant pillar began to fall forward. When it was about sixteen feet from the ground, it suddenly returned to it's former position.
Three pictures appeared on a nearby wall. One was a shadowy dragon, the second was the same shadowy dragon. The third was a cherry.
"Damn. Better get another tablet." Rezo2 commented.
"I hate Rezo's sense of humor." Eris muttered to herself.
"DAMMIT SYLPHIEL! That's the fifteenth copy of Dark Schneider you've gutted in the last two minutes! And don't give me that look." Lina growled as Sylphiel let the large intestines she had in her mouth drop to the ground.
"I'm sorry, Ms. Lina, but each one keeps hitting on me, I'm sick and f@#king tired of it." Sylphiel answered, trying to wipe some of the blood and gore off her clothes.
"Yeah, well, go clean up. I'll go meet up with the others and delay Kopii-Rezo until you arrive." Lina answered, hefting the Bless Blade.
"Right." Sylphiel said.
(4)
You know your Anime is whack when Zelgadis starts muttering under his breath, "Sheathe these feet in a blinding gale, make swift these legs, over land I sail!"
===============================================================================================
Tenchi Muyo!
You know your Anime is whack when the promos for the next Tenchi Muyo! Movie go like this, "Coming soon from Spank Your Monkey Studio Productions, Tenchi Muyo! the Movie 4: A Midsummer's Poke In The Garden'."
You know your Anime is whack when Tenchi summons the Wings of the Light Hawk by whispering, "By what creeps and crawls, by what does not, let all before me decay and rot!"
===============================================================================================
Unestablished
Fanboy in the darkness....
You know your Anime is whack when Don King is your fight coordinator.
You know your Anime is whack when the following production studios are involved:
DiC
Viz
Bandai
Software Sculptors
AnimEigo
Kitty
A-kun
You know your Anime is whack when, should it ever appear, spoken or written, the word: TharzZzDunN. And they do the eye thing.
You know your Anime is whack when, at any time, the words "Macarena" or "Breast Reduction" are ever mentioned.
You know your Hentai Anime is whack when all the characters are consenting adults who are sober, humans, married to each other and in their own bedroom which has nothing more than necessary for sleeping. And the lights are turned off.
You know your Anime is whack when anything resembling the following sentence appears:
"Yeah, but we're on FOX!"
You know your Anime is whack when anything resembling the following conversation appears:
"You're okay!"
"Yeah, but I still ain't got no pants."
You know your Anime is whack when anything resembling the following sentence appears:
"Ranma! You're BRILLIANT!"
You know your Anime is whack when anything resembling the following sentence appears:
"Lina, I don't think you hurt him enough..."
You know your Anime is whack when anything like the following sentence appears:
"Yeah, it'd be just like those evil Minnesotans to crush the poor country of Japan."
You know your Anime is whack when anything resembling the following sentence appears:
"Oooh, did you just see Ranma slap that girl?"
"I don't think she's moving..."
"Yeah, look at him kicking her in the ribs..."
You know your Anime is whack when people who are rich, powerful or sexy as all hell are picked on by those who are poor, powerless or the least popular person in the series.
The next Neon Genesis Evangelion Movie: The Apology or "What the hell have I been smoking these last eight years?"
===============================================================================================
Pokemon
"Oh, Trainer Battles all go the same way. Don King makes a big announcement about the Pay-Per-View fight, millions of dollars is invested by beer companies and it's over as soon as one of the Pokemon throws the fight."
You know your Anime is whack when you hear Ash say, "I choose you, Tiamat!"
You know your Anime is whack when you hear the narrator say, "Ash and his friends entered a 10' by 10' by 10' room and saw fifty orcs..."
You know your Anime is whack when the narrator says, "Ash Ketchum, of the Ketchum School of Anything Goes Pokemon Martial Arts and Misty of the Cerulean School of Anything Goes Water Pokemon Martial Arts. Engaged by their fathers, they tend to disagree. But, when Ash gets wet, he turns into a busty young green-haired girl..."
(Editor's note: Red hair has been done to death.)
===============================================================================================
You know your Anime is normal when it teaches you the following:
How to make a rat-tail with a towel.
Smoking is bad for you.
Running off to another country with an Arabian Prince is wrong.
Screaming 3 year-olds are not funny.
Apples that haven't been washed might have pesticides on them, so thank the nice hag...
Pies are meant to be thrown, not eaten.
Flower girls may just save the world.
Minmei is annoying.
Hentai Scenes must end in the parents of one or the other entering and asking what's for dinner.
Spiky haired boys with a tendency to cross-dress are above average when it comes to waitressing.
Young men or women who run around waving phallic symbols have solid career potential as day-care administrators or congress.
Bastards never get laid unless they're a hero figure.
The following requirements are necessary for a hero: blonde hair, black hair, ponytail, unusual hairstyle, Anime Hair.
To successfully kick Evil's ass, choose a hero or heroine with a friggin' SPINE, dammit!
=====================================
A-kun
TharzZzDunN
?????
C-chan
Huh?
1 - This was inspired by an image from the actual series. If you watch closely during the door opening sequence to the dueling arena, just after the metal gates slide away and they show Utena again for a few seconds, she looks like she's wearing a black mask over her eyes, much like Robin wears.
2 - This was inspired by all the times Naru gets caught in those Dark Kingdom/Negaverse traps.
3 - Inspiration: Well, everyone's gotta have an obsession or two.
4 - Ummm... well, the inspiration was a Jack the Ripper documentary, followed by watching Bastard episode 4 and the fact that Syphiel and Lina were both kind of late to the fight with Kopii-Rezo.
You know your anime is whack when...
=====================================================================================
Revolutionary Girl Utena
Utena and Miki trading blows when a cry from Anthy caught their attention.
"What?" Utena asked.
"Look up there!" Anthy said.
Miki and Utena looked up to see someone walking on the ramparts of the mirage castle. Suddenly, that someone lost their footing, yelped and fell screaming to the platform. At the top of the staircase. The unfortunate schmuck proceeded to roll down all the steps with Miki, Utena and Anthy watching him/her.
"Well, he...notices Anthy mouth the letters 'PC' or SHE, is dogmeat now." Utena commented.
"It's your fault." Miki said.
"THE HELL IT WAS! PREPARE TO DIE, PRETTY BOY!" Utena yelled, lunging at Miki.
"Hear ye, hear ye, getcher' program here! Can't tell one bishounen from his sister without a program!"
Sayonji collapsed. Utena huffed and relaxed. She had won. Suddenly, she glanced over at two people sneaking up behind Anthy Himemiya. She was about to yell something when Juri and Miki hefted the Gatorade cooler and dumped it's contents on Anthy.
Sayonji began laughing.
"Now you're going to see my TRUE POWER! HehehehehehEHEHEHEHEHE!" Sayonji said as he began laughing hysterically.
So hysterically that he didn't notice that Utena had raised her leg until she plowed it into his groin, ending the fight.
Chu-Chu pokes Sayonji in the leg with charged cardiac paddle while he was standing in a puddle of water (um, yeah, water, that's it.....).
Nanami (Whore of Babylon) motioned to the waiter (jellyfish-boy). He nodded and picked up the champagne bottle. He walked towards Anthy, when suddenly, the false bottom exploded, drenching Nanami (brazen strumpet) with coins.
Anthy looked at Nanami, then at the bottle.
"There's my piggy-bank." Anthy commented.
Sayonji began laughing.
"Now you're going to see my TRUE POWER! HehehehehehEHEHEHEHEHE!" Sayonji said as he began laughing hysterically.
So hysterically that he peed down his leg, causing him to slip and impale Adam Sandler.
Utena stopped. She thought about it and she realized it made sense. She was the main character, so she should be able to do whatever the hell she wanted. She was destined to win, after all. She raised her sword and grinned evilly.
"OMNISLASH!" Utena cried, lunging at her opponent using Cloud Strife's final technique from Final Fantasy 7....
"Well, Ms. Serpent, I hope you and Ms. Utena get along." the guidance counselor said, walking out of the room.
Utena got nervous. First of all, this wasn't the normal detention room. This wasn't even the emergency detention room. Secondly, the guidance counselor had thick earplugs in her ears. Thirdly, the guidance counselor took only two steps before running out of the room, slamming the door, locking it and running off.
"So, you fail to listen to authority, eh? Well, that doesn't scare the Great Naga the Serpent! OOOOOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOOO!!" Naga laughed, beginning a laughing fit.
Utena was later found in the farthest corner, whimpering for her mommy to make the bad monkey to go away.
Sayonji began laughing.
"Now you're going to see my TRUE POWER! HehehehehehEHEHEHEHEHE!" Sayonji said as he began laughing hysterically.
So hysterically that he farted, sending him rocketing off the platform to land on a snow-covered mountain and eventually win the Gold for the U.S. Women's Ski Team.
"You won't get away with this, Touga-Joker! Bat-Utena'll stop you!" Anthy cried.
"Bat-Utena?! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Bat-Utena won't be coming, Girl-Wonder." Touga-Joker laughed as he fixed his purple outfit, his white make-up and his one white glove covered in rhinestones.
"Qwaaug-Qwaaug-Qwaaaaaaug!" Penguin-Saiyonji laughed.
Juri-Ivy looked at her tight green outfit.
"Why do _I_ have to be Poison Ivy?" Juri-Ivy asked.
"At least you don't have to wear _this_ stupid get-up. I mean, how is this 'Riddler' guy supposed to scare people?" Riddler-Miki asked, as he fixed his green tuxedo and his purple mask.
"Meeeeoowww! I like this outfit." Nanami commented as she, in her tight black outfit, glomped onto Touga.
"HA! We'll see how you all like being beaten!" Bat-Utena cried as she leapt in through a window with Wakaba who was dressed in a similiar outfit, but more appropriate for her.
"Bat-Utena and Bat-Wakaba are here!" Bat-Wakaba declared.
"That's it! I want outta this thing." Riddler-Miki demanded.
"Me too. Even a fanboy lemon about me and Miki is better than this." Juri-Ivy growled.
"You all signed a contract." The Narrator told them.
Juri-Ivy and Riddler-Miki grumbled.
*BIFF* *POW* *WARK* *THROW* *LEAP* *HORK* *WHACK* *THOOM* *FWACK* *CRA-POW* *SHWING* *FLOOPLE* *HUH?!* *NARF* *POIT* *BREEEN* *PULL* *POKEMON* *BOLO* *MORK* *MINDY* *SPOON* *WHIFFLE*
[Hmmm, a Juri and Miki Lemon.... It has possibility...] the Author thought.
(1)
=====================================================================================
Sailor Moon
"#%@$ THIS! I'm going home."
The monster, Zoicite and the Sailors all looked at each other, then at the person who had just said that.
"Naru?" Sailor Moon, aka. Usagi, asked.
"I'm sick and @#%#^!@$%^!#^!$#%ing tired of being in the middle of these !@#%!@#%!#% traps! If I get caught in one, count it, ONE more trap by you Negaverse-" Naru ranted.
"Dark Kingdom...." the youma interjected.
Naru glared at him.
"We're in Japan after all." the youma answered, shrugging.
"-whatever, by you creeps, I'm going to grab all of you and #%!#$^!$^!# grey piping $^!#$^!#^!#^!#$^!#$^! dogs #$^!#$^!#^!^! frozen pickles $%&$%&*%^*@%&!$%&%^*@$ sideways until your ^!#$^!# are in your %^!#$^!#$^!$^!#$^!#$^!#$^!&^$%&@&@$ and they need a proctologist to get it out!!!" Naru yelled.
Zoicite and the Senshi stared at Naru with their mouths agape.
"I say, that Naru has quite a mouth on her." the youma commented.
(2)
You know your Anime is whack when a pair of Mickey Mouse ears are drawn on all the characters.
You know your Anime is whack when DiC or Bandai is involved.
Mercury ran faster. She knew they were gaining, but they wouldn't get the treasure. Never. She turned, pulled a pistol and fired a few shots, scattering them.
"DAMMIT! GIVE 'EM BACK!" came the angered cry from behind her.
"NEVER!" She replied, laughing before she took off again.
"This is all your fault, you know. This would never have happened if you hadn't been so enthusiatic about getting her into this." came a mutter from one of Mercury's pursuers.
"Well, how the heck was I supposed to know that she was going to react like this?" came the reply from another pursuer.
"NEVERMIND THAT! WE CAN'T LET HER GET AWAY!" a third pursuer declared.
Mercury skidded to a halt. She was at a deadend with no chance of escape. They were no doubt too close for her to double-back. She'd have to take the treasure with her. She opened her pack and dumped out the treasure. The pursuers appeared. *MUNCH**MUNCH**MUNCH*
"DAMMIT! NOW SHE'S EATING THEM!" came an enraged cry of Jupiter.
"YOU'LL NEVER HAVE MY REESES PEANUT BUTTERCUPS! _NEEEEVERRRRR_!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Mercury laughed maniacally, cramming more peanut buttercups into her mouth.
The rest of the senshi dove at her...
(3)
=====================================================================================
El Hazard
You know your Anime is whack when the title of the Anime is Magical Pretty Girl Jinnai and the title on the box says "Cutey Honey".
You know you aren't watching El Hazard when the title screen reads "Bishoujo She-male Sailor Mune".
=====================================================================================
Ranma 1/2
"Oh my. I finally beat you at Monopoly, Nabiki." Kasumi said.
[Oh no...] Nabiki thought.
"You do realize what I must do now." Kasumi said, climbing up on the table.
[Not that!] Nabiki thought.
"OOGA-CHAKA, OOGA-CHAKA, OOGA-CHAKA!" Kasumi said, singing and dancing.
"Silly Ranma, you go squish now!" Shampoo said, stepping on Ranma.
"Ow. What's that supposed to do?" Ranma asked as Shampoo stepped on his foot repeatedly.
"PREPARE FOR MY ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE, SAOTOME RANMA!" Ryouga bellowed.
Ranma prepared to defend himself, not quite knowing what to expect. Ryouga had always had the advantage of being able to find exotic and strange fighting techniques.
Ryouga closed his left eye, raised his right hand so that it was about half an inch from the eyeball. He moved his index and thumb together and separated them while saying, "Squish, squish, I'm crushing your head."
Ranma facefaulted.
You know your Anime is whack when the Jusenkyo curses are replaced by interpretive dances.
Herb and Ranma begin doing ballet.
Ryouga walks around with pork rinds, spilling them as he shoves them into his greasy, sweaty, drooling mouth.
Mousse waddles around, flapping his arms and pooping on people's cars.
Genma waddles around, flapping his arms and pooping on people.
Xian Pu vomits up hairballs on people who are wearing expensive clothing, getting every other animal in the neighborhood pregnant and then urinating in the corner of every room.
Pantyhose Tarou raises his arms above his head and stomps around with a sign that reads "I am the Rhino!" on his back.
"Of course they're all jealous of my martial talent." Ranma declared.
"Oh yeah, right! You wouldn't know what direction was up unless there was a piece of tail in the right direction." Ryouga snapped back.
"Ooooooh!" the audience winced.
Ranma looked indignant. His bodyguard stood up and loomed over Ryouga, causing the 'Lost Boy' to begin to sweat. Ryouga's bodyguard just grinned and adjusted her jacket to allow for a clear draw.
"This week on Jerry Springer, when gay divorces go bad." Narrator declared.
You know your Anime is whack when instead of turning into a girl, Ranma just puts a red bow on his head and talks in a squeaky voice.
On the door of the Nekohaten, a sign is hung that reads "For today only, fried chicken made with fifteen secret herbs and spices". Curious, a passing SI character entered and had some.
"HEY! THIS IS KFC CHICKEN!" the SI yelled.
"Damn that Colonel fellow. We had the recipe for two thousand years and he beat us to the punch by copyrighting it ten minutes before we did!" Cologne muttered to herself.
The reporter shivered involuntarily as he got ready to read the new story. The image on the screen to his upper-left displayed a picture of a train going off it's tracks and slamming into a cheese factory. The technical crew had screwed up once again and were showing the images in the wrong order.
"Today's top story. An elderly Japanese man and an elderly chinese woman hijacked a car and terrorized the town by driving around mooning people. A majority of the people who witnessed the sight are now terminally blind or have gone insane, trying to claw their eyes out. Those remaining people have locked themselves into bathrooms and are puking their guts up. The elderly people were finally stopped by a passing SI character who annihilated a six square block section of Nerima before being lead to a hospital where it is said that he will never recover from his case of terminal blindness." the reporter reported.
Suddenly, a picture of a guy's hairy ass took the place of the train/cheese factory. People just tuning in screamed and leapt back at the sight. Suddenly, a hand with toilet paper appeared to cover the sight (apparently not the owner of the butt's hand because of the angle), but still gave people a queasy sight to see.
"In further news, a train flew off it's tracks and slammed into a nearby cheese factory. No injuries are reported as of yet, but there will be no toilet paper or cheese entering the city for a week." the reporter read.
===============================================================================================
Neon Genesis Evangelion
If you see the following Angels, you know your anime is whack:
Microsoftiel - Angel of Dazing and Confusion.
HardwareHankiel - Angel of Handymen.
Texacoiel - Angel of Filthy Bathrooms.
Exxoniel - Angel of Drunken Sea Captains and Sinking Oil Tankers.
BurgerKingiel - Angel of Greasy Fast-Food.
Arbyiel - Angel of Thinly Sliced Roast-Beef.
PizzaHutiel - Angel of Surly Waiters.
PapaJohniel - Angel of Thick Crusts.
Dominosiel - Angel of Really Bad Drivers.
McDonaldsiel- Angel of REALLY Cheap Kids Toys and REALLY Cheap Intercoms.
Toy'R'Usiel - Angel of Toys and Whiny Kids.
Redneckiel - Angel of the U.S. Senate and Using Red Man.
You know your Anime is whack when your Evangelion has the STP sponsor sticker on the side.
Misato: Hey, Ritsuko. How do you get the Evas so clean?
Ritsuko: Ancient Chinese Secret.
Gendo: [entering] Dr. Akagi, [pushes glasses up. *CLACK*] we're all out of Calgon soap. Order eight more tons.
Ritsuko: [blushing with embarrassment] Yes sir.
Misato: [huffing] Ancient Chinese Secret, EH?!
Gendo: [pausing at the door] Dr. Akagi is so embarrassed that we use Calgon soap to get that special sparkle on our Evangelions. Order Calgon soap for YOUR Evangelions today. [pushes up glasses again. *CLACK*]
You know your Anime is whack when your fight with an Angel is broadcast on Pay-Per-View.
Kiel stared at Gendo sternly.
"Gendo, do _YOU_ deserve a break today?" Kiel asked.
"No one in their right mind said anything about McDonalds." Gendo answered.
You know your Anime is whack when your Evangelion broadcasts the McDonald's jingle when it's fighting.
Gendo stood up and proclaimed, "Fuyutsuki, hold the sauce... hold the lettuce... special orders don't upset us..."
You know your Anime is whack when Domino's, in the desperate attempt to beat out Pizza Hut, dresses Eva-02 as their old mascot, the Noid.
You know your Anime is whack when Marvin the chronically depressed robot is writing the script for Evangelion, the OVA series.
Scribbles in bathrooms/Bumper-Stickers often seen around Tokyo 3:
"The government will finally win when they pry my cold dead fingers from Gendo Ikari's throat."
"Kaji blows."
"Misato is a hottie."
"Rei's got back."
"Pen-Pen knows Evas."
"Order an inflatable Asuka. Hot Air not included."
"Ritsuko strokes her pussy all night long."
"For a good time, call Shinji at-"
"Kensuke yanks his crank."
"Touji pulls chains....at the church to ring the bell..."
"What do you call fifteen dead SEELE members? Clip 1."
"What do you call fifteen dead SEELE members? A slow day."
"What do you call fifteen dead SEELE members? Terrible aim."
"What do you call fifteen dead SEELE members? A good start."
"What do you call fifteen dead SEELE members? Mardi Gras!!"
"What do you call fifteen dead SEELE members? Christmas Eve."
"What do you call fifteen dead SEELE members? All I want for my birthday."
"What do you call fifteen dead SEELE members? TEqUiLA!"
===============================================================================================
Slayers
"LINA! LINA! I'VE GOT GREAT NEWS!" Gourry yelled, running to the opposite side of the room. Lina blinked as she stared across the fifty foot room crowded with dining patrons at Gourry.
"What's that, Gourry?" Lina asked.
"Now there's a maxipad with WINGS! SO YOU WON'T HAVE THAT LITTLE PROBLEM!" Gourry shouted from across the room.
Unfortunately, being across the room didn't spare Gourry from Lina's vengenance.
"NAGA! That's the sixtieth bandit you've captured and killed by forcing massive amounts of sex on them! in the last six days! And don't give me that 'but you gotta try it, Gourry' explanation. I really wanted to torture and main that one. Not to mention that we're no closer to getting the information we need." Gourry grumbled as Naga finished off the bandit by giving him a heart-attack.
You know your Anime is whack when Jusenkyo curses show up.
Lina turns into girl with boobs that need a HH-cup just for support. (so naturally, she avoids cold water for fear of gaining back problems and smothering)
Naga turns into a were-pig with an underwear fetish.
Gourry turns into a 5000 pound cyborg duck.
Zelgadis turns into a perverted (but ordinary human) girl.
Amelia turns into a dyslexic panda.
Sylphiel turns into a saber-tooth tiger with a messiah complex.
You know your Anime is whack when, to activate the Sword of Light, Gourry yells out, "BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL-"
"DAMMIT AMELIA! That's the tenth villager you've killed and devoured in the last six days! And don't give me that 'uuuuuuuuggghhhhuuuuuuhhhhh' explanation. I really liked that one." Lina growled as Amelia the zombie finished off the villager.
You know your Anime is whack when Rezo wears a black mask and starts re-enacting scenes from Star Wars.
You know your Anime is whack when Lina says, "These are not the steaks, ribs, pies, buns, oysters and fish sticks you're looking for..."
"Foolish boy, don't you know that if you marry this girl, I'll able to sit on my ass and eat all day?" Rezo whined.
"No, Rezo." Zelgadis answered.
"Grandson/Great-Grandson, I don't think you realize how desperate I am to do this. If you don't marry her, I'll be forced..... TO SING KAROAKE!!" Rezo threatened.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Zelgadis howled in terror.
The stone page of the Clair Bible had just reached the specialized slot. Suddenly, the tablet vanished. Rezo2 swung his hand and a giant pillar began to fall forward. When it was about sixteen feet from the ground, it suddenly returned to it's former position.
Three pictures appeared on a nearby wall. One was a shadowy dragon, the second was the same shadowy dragon. The third was a cherry.
"Damn. Better get another tablet." Rezo2 commented.
"I hate Rezo's sense of humor." Eris muttered to herself.
"DAMMIT SYLPHIEL! That's the fifteenth copy of Dark Schneider you've gutted in the last two minutes! And don't give me that look." Lina growled as Sylphiel let the large intestines she had in her mouth drop to the ground.
"I'm sorry, Ms. Lina, but each one keeps hitting on me, I'm sick and f@#king tired of it." Sylphiel answered, trying to wipe some of the blood and gore off her clothes.
"Yeah, well, go clean up. I'll go meet up with the others and delay Kopii-Rezo until you arrive." Lina answered, hefting the Bless Blade.
"Right." Sylphiel said.
(4)
You know your Anime is whack when Zelgadis starts muttering under his breath, "Sheathe these feet in a blinding gale, make swift these legs, over land I sail!"
===============================================================================================
Tenchi Muyo!
You know your Anime is whack when the promos for the next Tenchi Muyo! Movie go like this, "Coming soon from Spank Your Monkey Studio Productions, Tenchi Muyo! the Movie 4: A Midsummer's Poke In The Garden'."
You know your Anime is whack when Tenchi summons the Wings of the Light Hawk by whispering, "By what creeps and crawls, by what does not, let all before me decay and rot!"
===============================================================================================
Unestablished
Fanboy in the darkness....
You know your Anime is whack when Don King is your fight coordinator.
You know your Anime is whack when the following production studios are involved:
DiC
Viz
Bandai
Software Sculptors
AnimEigo
Kitty
A-kun
You know your Anime is whack when, should it ever appear, spoken or written, the word: TharzZzDunN. And they do the eye thing.
You know your Anime is whack when, at any time, the words "Macarena" or "Breast Reduction" are ever mentioned.
You know your Hentai Anime is whack when all the characters are consenting adults who are sober, humans, married to each other and in their own bedroom which has nothing more than necessary for sleeping. And the lights are turned off.
You know your Anime is whack when anything resembling the following sentence appears:
"Yeah, but we're on FOX!"
You know your Anime is whack when anything resembling the following conversation appears:
"You're okay!"
"Yeah, but I still ain't got no pants."
You know your Anime is whack when anything resembling the following sentence appears:
"Ranma! You're BRILLIANT!"
You know your Anime is whack when anything resembling the following sentence appears:
"Lina, I don't think you hurt him enough..."
You know your Anime is whack when anything like the following sentence appears:
"Yeah, it'd be just like those evil Minnesotans to crush the poor country of Japan."
You know your Anime is whack when anything resembling the following sentence appears:
"Oooh, did you just see Ranma slap that girl?"
"I don't think she's moving..."
"Yeah, look at him kicking her in the ribs..."
You know your Anime is whack when people who are rich, powerful or sexy as all hell are picked on by those who are poor, powerless or the least popular person in the series.
The next Neon Genesis Evangelion Movie: The Apology or "What the hell have I been smoking these last eight years?"
===============================================================================================
Pokemon
"Oh, Trainer Battles all go the same way. Don King makes a big announcement about the Pay-Per-View fight, millions of dollars is invested by beer companies and it's over as soon as one of the Pokemon throws the fight."
You know your Anime is whack when you hear Ash say, "I choose you, Tiamat!"
You know your Anime is whack when you hear the narrator say, "Ash and his friends entered a 10' by 10' by 10' room and saw fifty orcs..."
You know your Anime is whack when the narrator says, "Ash Ketchum, of the Ketchum School of Anything Goes Pokemon Martial Arts and Misty of the Cerulean School of Anything Goes Water Pokemon Martial Arts. Engaged by their fathers, they tend to disagree. But, when Ash gets wet, he turns into a busty young green-haired girl..."
(Editor's note: Red hair has been done to death.)
===============================================================================================
You know your Anime is normal when it teaches you the following:
How to make a rat-tail with a towel.
Smoking is bad for you.
Running off to another country with an Arabian Prince is wrong.
Screaming 3 year-olds are not funny.
Apples that haven't been washed might have pesticides on them, so thank the nice hag...
Pies are meant to be thrown, not eaten.
Flower girls may just save the world.
Minmei is annoying.
Hentai Scenes must end in the parents of one or the other entering and asking what's for dinner.
Spiky haired boys with a tendency to cross-dress are above average when it comes to waitressing.
Young men or women who run around waving phallic symbols have solid career potential as day-care administrators or congress.
Bastards never get laid unless they're a hero figure.
The following requirements are necessary for a hero: blonde hair, black hair, ponytail, unusual hairstyle, Anime Hair.
To successfully kick Evil's ass, choose a hero or heroine with a friggin' SPINE, dammit!
=====================================
A-kun
TharzZzDunN
?????
C-chan
Huh?
1 - This was inspired by an image from the actual series. If you watch closely during the door opening sequence to the dueling arena, just after the metal gates slide away and they show Utena again for a few seconds, she looks like she's wearing a black mask over her eyes, much like Robin wears.
2 - This was inspired by all the times Naru gets caught in those Dark Kingdom/Negaverse traps.
3 - Inspiration: Well, everyone's gotta have an obsession or two.
4 - Ummm... well, the inspiration was a Jack the Ripper documentary, followed by watching Bastard episode 4 and the fact that Syphiel and Lina were both kind of late to the fight with Kopii-Rezo.