I don't own any X-Men Evolution characters. Or the Hope Diamond. Or the Cleveland Browns. Or Radio City Music Hall or…Well you get the picture. Here's another pointless Pietro in charge fic. Gotta love 'em!
A Leader's Work is Never Done
Lance walked out of the bathroom yawning. He saw Fred coming out of his room. "Hey you're finally up!" Fred said. "I mean it is nearly noon!"
"Not much point in getting up early now that we're kicked out of school," Lance shrugged.
"You're just lucky Pietro's in one of his obsessed moods and didn't kick us all outta bed to do more stupid training," Fred told him as they walked down the stairs.
"So what is our genius leader doing now?" Lance sighed.
"Oh you're going to love this," Fred pointed to Pietro. He was in the living room with dozens of charts, models, maps and paper. He was scribbling furiously.
"What is he doing?" Lance asked as he watched Pietro zoom around trying to figure something out.
"He's been like that for over four hours yo," Todd said from his position on the couch.
"What are you doing?" Lance asked.
"What am I doing?" Pietro snapped. "I'll tell you what I am doing! I am devising up a plan so ingenious, so malicious, so heinous that it will destroy the X-Men once and for all!" He laughed insanely. "All I need are ten thousand pounds of lime Jell-O, some cattle prods, a flock of those vampire bats that draw blood, and some roller skates! Ha! Ha! Oh wait, this won't work! I just remembered Daniels actually likes lime Jell-O."
"Well maybe if you change the flavor to cherry or something?" Fred asked.
"NO!" Pietro pounded his fists on the table. "It has to be lime! Lime or the entire plan falls apart! It just won't work with any other flavor! It has to be lime! Curse you Evan you ruined all my plans again!" He crumpled up the paper and threw it over his shoulder. It joined a huge pile of paper on the floor.
"Sorrrr-rrry!" Fred drawled. "I was only trying to help!" He made a circular motion with his finger next to his ear and mouthed the word 'nuts'.
"Yeah…uh Pietro maybe you oughta take a break or something?" Lance asked.
"Break? Break?" Pietro looked at him with wild eyes. "Nobody rests until we defeat the X-Men! How many times have I told you that? We have to do it even if it means planning day and night! Night and day! Until that glorious day when they have been destroyed forever!"
"How many cups of coffee did you drink, Pietro?" Lance asked.
"Two full pots," Todd told him. "He's gonna be wired for quite a while."
"Wonderful," Lance sighed.
"Hey shouldn't all of you be training?" Pietro snapped.
"How are we supposed to train if we don't have a plan?" Todd asked.
"He's got a point there," Fred said.
"Fine!" Pietro huffed. "Leave it to me to come up with all the plans and ideas and the training! Terrific! While the X-Geeks are rebuilding and making their mansion stronger we just sit on our butts and do nothing like we always do!"
"Okay now we are starting to get somewhere," Lance said. "What happened? Did your Dad call you on the carpet or something?"
"No as a matter of fact he didn't!" Pietro snapped. "Last night I decided to do a little snooping around and what do I see but that mansion is nearly finished! It's only been like what? Not even two months? And the stupid thing is nearly built! How can it be built so fast!"
"Well Xavier is a billionaire," Todd drawled. "I mean he can hire people to work nearly 24-7. And he's got those goody-goods working for him too."
"Well it still drives me crazy!" Pietro snapped. "I mean the least they can do is the decent thing and move out of town but nooooooo! They have to stay here! They are so annoying!"
"Let me guess?" Lance raised an eyebrow. "You tried to create some damage alone but they stopped you?"
"Didn't even get the chance," Pietro grumbled. "Wolverine was on guard duty or something and caught my scent. Of course I was too fast for him but…"
"Oh now I get it," Todd shook his head.
"The point is that we are back to square one!" Pietro snapped. "Everything is back the way it was with the Geek Squad on top!"
"Yeah and now we can't even bug 'em at school anymore," Fred said.
"Who'd want to go back there anyway?" Todd snapped. "Place is full of dorks and bigots. At least the X-Geeks ain't wanted there either."
"YES!" Pietro said. "Yes! Thank you Toad for pointing out the ray of sunshine in a seemingly endless stream of dark clouds! Thank you!" He kissed Todd's forehead.
"Bleach!" Todd grimaced.
"Not the right twin to get a kiss from huh Toad?" Fred snickered.
"That's it!" Pietro slammed his fist into his open palm. "We get the school under mind control one day and while the X-Geeks are in class, whammo! We have the entire student body clobber 'em! That would be so sweet! Not to mention the perfect irony! That'd teach 'em! HA! HA!"
"And how do we get them under mind control?" Lance asked. "None of us can do that!"
"Well if we ever did find a mutant who could that would be the perfect plan!" Pietro snapped. He started pacing back and forth. "Think Pietro, think!"
"I think you're a nut, that's what I think," Lance said.
"Nut? NUTS! That's it! We fill the entire school with nuts! Then we set loose a million squirrels! And then the X-Geeks will get the blame!" Pietro laughed insanely.
"This is the guy who's going to help us get into Magneto's new gang?" Fred grumbled as the three of them moved off to the side so Pietro wouldn't hear them.
"I'd say our chances of joining Santa's elves would be better," Lance sighed.
"Yeah this stinks big time," Todd said.
"STINKS! SKUNKS! WE GET HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS OF SKUNKS INSIDE THE XAVIER INSTITUTE AND BAYVILLE HIGH!" Pietro shouted.
"That wouldn't be so bad if we could," Fred sighed.
"Could what?" Todd asked.
"Join Santa's elves," Fred said. "We could play with toys all day and eat all the cookies we want and…"
"Freddy stay focused will ya?" Lance sighed, holding his head with his hand.
"Yes focus people focus!" Pietro paced around, half listening to their conversation as well as the voices in his head. "We gotta get 'em! Oh man do we have to get them good!"
"Boy I thought I was obsessed with hating the X-Geeks," Todd grumbled.
"Well you don't have your daddy looking over your shoulder," Fred pointed out.
"No wonder he's so freaked," Lance said. "Must have had another phone call. But as much as I'm annoyed with Pietro right now, I'm even more ticked off at the X-Men. Not to mention a certain two-faced principal! One of these days I am going to get that weasel!"
"Weasels!" Pietro's eyes widened. "That's perfect! But how do you get enough of them in a school to cause some real damage? Or more importantly, how do you get them to bite the right people? Every time I think of a solution more questions come up!" He grabbed a piece of paper and started to scribble.
"Pietro will you knock it off with all your crazy revenge fantasies?" Lance snapped.
"You're right," Pietro threw the piece of paper over his shoulder. "What I should be thinking of are plausible revenge fantasies!"
"Oh yeah that's much better," Todd drawled. "Okay I'm bored with this. Anybody wanna go do something?"
"Well if you want to do something you can go get the groceries," Lance sighed.
"Good idea!" Pietro snapped. "There's a list on the table as well as some cash. Plus I need you guys to buy all the chocolate pudding you can get! Just in case."
"You guys go ahead," Lance waved. "I'll stay here and try to talk Pietro down."
"The only thing going down are those X-Geeks!" Pietro snapped. "I will not rest until we beat the X-Men once and for all!"
"Uh you want me to get some sleeping pills or something?" Todd whispered into Lance's ear.
"Please," Lance groaned.
************************************************************************
Several hours later….
"So much for not resting until we beat the X-Men," Lance snickered from the couch.
"We are not resting," Pietro snapped from his chair. "We are merely gathering data using the media. Once has to keep up with the news."
"Oh yeah," Lance drawled. "Watching an 'Ozbornes' marathon on MTV all day is really going to benefit mutantkind."
"Well they're freaks and people accept them!" Pietro snapped. "We just have to figure out what they're doing and copy it. Besides the profanity I mean…"
"And the fact that they're millionaires doesn't hurt either," Lance snickered. "Yeah I can see it now, the latest reality show to hit the nation: Mutant Television the Unreal World. Watch the lives of several superpowered maniacs as they go through everyday life."
"That's an idea!" Pietro blinked. "Put in hidden cameras and watch the X-Men! Father is going to love that!" He scribbled it down on a piece of paper.
"Are you still writing down any stupid strategy you can think of?" Lance groaned.
"Hey! At least I am doing something productive!" Pietro snapped. "We have to show Magneto something when he checks up on us!"
"Oh I am so glad I am no longer in charge," Lance sighed.
"Very funny Lance," Pietro grumbled.
"No I'm serious," He put his hands behind his head. "It's like this huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. You know once you've accepted your fate as a flunky it really isn't so bad. When you are not responsible for the idiots around you all you have to do is sit back and enjoy the ride."
Just then Todd and Fred came in with a huge amount of food. "Just where have you idiots been?" Pietro snapped. "How long does it take for you guys to get groceries?"
"We had to make a few pit stops first," Todd said.
"Like what?" Pietro asked, dreading what was coming.
"Well first it was a nice day so we decided to go to the park," Fred told him. "We ate some hot dogs and fed the ducks and chased a few skateboarders who were not very nice people but had a lot of money."
"Then we spent some of it getting Slushies," Todd told him. "Then we hung out at the arcade and the bowling alley…"
"Did you ever make it to the grocery store?" Pietro asked.
"Well duh of course!" Todd said. "Where did you think we got all of these from?"
"Anyway we went to the mall and it's nearly all rebuilt," Fred said. "We hung around and then we got these nice free massages."
"You mean they actually opened one of those massage places in the mall?" Pietro asked.
"No it was in a record store," Fred said. "There were some very unpleasant salespeople there too. I merely pointed out that we were customers like anybody else and the customer is always right. And as a customer we either got free massages or I'd sit on them and squash them flat. To their credit they did a real good job. Got rid of some of the kinks in my neck. I've been rather tense lately."
"After that we went to the grocery store," Todd said. "There we met some nice people. Real jumpy though."
"Is it still standing?" Lance asked.
"Technically," Todd told him.
"You didn't see any X-Geeks at the store did you?" Pietro asked.
"No but we did see a certain principal," Todd grinned.
"Oh no what did you do?" Pietro groaned. "You didn't kill him or anything to get the cops on our tail?"
"Hey we do have some self restraint!" Todd said. "Let's just say he looks good in a whipped cream toupee."
"And his car will smell so refreshing with all that nice ripe fruit in it," Fred giggled.
"However it may have problems running with all that sugar in his gas tank," Todd smirked. "Not to mention all the slime on the seats and in his engine."
"Oh yes," Lance sighed happily. "I wish I could have been there. Payback would have been sweet. Just to sink his car into the ground with him in it."
"Lance!" Pietro snapped. "Guys we have to keep some kind of low profile! Otherwise the cops will be around here hunting us down again! Lance tell them!"
"Don't look at me fearless leader," Lance told him. "Not my problem!"
"Hey let's go make dinner!" Todd said.
"Oh yeah there's this new recipe I'm dying to try out!" Fred said as they went into the kitchen.
"Should I be worried that they actually volunteered to cook something?" Pietro asked.
"I'm not," Lance whistled.
Not long after they heard several loud noises and bangs coming from the kitchen. "Hey watch it with the knives huh Toad?" Fred shouted.
"Hey is it supposed to turn that color?" Todd yelled above the noise.
"I guess so. It must mean that it's cooking. Where are the marshmallows and popcorn?"
"Over there!" Todd called out. "Are pork chops supposed to be purple?"
"Ah it doesn't smell too bad," Fred called out. "Now for the finishing touches." There were several more disturbing noises.
"What are they doing?" Pietro asked.
"Don't know, don't care," Lance yawned.
"Will you tell them to stop whatever they are doing?" Pietro flinched as he heard another crash.
"Who me?" Lance looked at him. "They won't listen to me. I'm not in charge. Heck they didn't listen to me when I was in charge. You do it!"
"Fine!" Pietro got up. "I will!" He zoomed into the kitchen. "All right you idiots why don't you…AAAAGGGGHGHH! What the heck is going on here?"
"Well you told us to get all the pudding we could get," Todd could be heard from the kitchen.
"I didn't intend for you to do that to it! No! No! Stop! Blob put out that fire! Toad you get those knives off the ceiling! What is that smell? No! Don't do that you idiot!"
Lance couldn't stop laughing as he heard the explosion and the screams inside. "JUST CLEAN UP YOUR MESS AND ORDER TAKE OUT!" Pietro ran back out. He was covered with chocolate pudding and marshmallows.
"Having trouble?" Lance asked innocently.
"Gee Lance you think?" Pietro snapped.
"Not so easy is it?" Lance snickered. "Now you know what I went through!"
The phone rang. "Get the phone," Pietro snapped. "I'm covered in this junk!"
"As you command fearless leader," Lance saluted and went to answer the phone. "Oh hello there sir. Pietro can't come to the phone right now. He's covered in chocolate pudding and…"
"Give me that!" Pietro grabbed the phone from him. "Hello? Sir I can explain…NO I AM NOT INTERESTED IN A NEW CHARGE CARD!" He slammed the phone down and glared at Lance.
"Oh I'm sorry," Lance said. "You must have thought that was Magneto. My mistake."
"Very funny," Pietro sneered. "How's this for a laugh? Go in there and help the terrible twosome clean up the mess!"
"Fine," Lance made a mock salute and went into the kitchen.
"I can't believe this!" Pietro spun around rapidly to remove the mess from his clothes. In the process he splattered the walls with the mess. "I'll let the moron patrol take care of this," He grumbled. "All right you lunatics how are you…" He ran back inside the kitchen. "AGGGHHH!"
Immediately Pietro was knocked backward by a large spray of water. "WHAT ARE YOU MANIACS DOING?" He shouted, soaking wet.
Todd, Fred and Lance smiled as they held a large hose. "Cleaning the kitchen," Todd told him. "What did you think we were doing?"
"Not like that you idiots!" Pietro sputtered. The phone rang again. "I will get that!"
"Listen," Pietro snapped as he answered the phone. "I don't have time for this! The three maniacs I'm supervising are running amok and causing trouble! I think they trashed a grocery store! There's chocolate pudding and water all over the place! On top of it all I can't think of any plans to defeat our rivals! Whoever this is will you please get off the phone and stay off so I can try to bring some order into this nuthouse?"
Pietro suddenly went pale. "Uh…Yes sir. But Magneto…I can explain! But! Yes sir. I see sir. But…But…"
"Somebody's in trouble," Todd laughed.
"I am so glad I am not in charge," Lance snickered.