Only Human
I own none of the following characters in this fic.
This story actually has a meaning to it: At the end of the day, when all's said and done, the Patrician is only human.
I had to do Lord Vetyinari OOC to get my point across, but I hope I've written this fic. in Pterry's style. Some of it is a bit repeative, I'm sorry.
Apologyies in advance for the first chapter.
Lord Vetinari looked at the device in front of him carefully.
It appeared to be a wooden slatted box on wheels with a crude corrugated iron roof.
He walked around it slowly and looked at the back of the box. He then looked at the various buttons and levers that were riddled upon the front of the thing.
On the side of the box was a door with a metal handle protruding from it.
Leonard hovered nearby, watching his Lordship for his opinion.
"Can this thing *really* go back in time?" Vetinari murmured thoughtfully.
"Theoretically, my lord."
The Patrician looked at Leonard oddly before he replied.
"Theoretically?" He raised an eyebrow.
"Well, you see, to operate the "going-back-to-a-different-period-of-time- device," someone must stand outside it in order to push the buttons and levers, my lord."
"And you haven't been able to test it yet, because of this fact?"
"Yes, my lord."
"Hmm ."
Leonard stared at his creation for some time until he began to speak very slowly, as though the words that were to be said were going to start an avalanche.
"If you . would. pehaps like to . maybe." Vetinar looked at him sharply. Leonard looked up at him, his face full of hope for one moment before he saw the Patrician's face.
"No."
"No. I didn't think so." He stared at the floor for some time whilst Vetinari's gaze seemed to bore into him.
He looked up and saw that the Patrician wasn't in fact looking at him, but around him, at their surroundings.
"How long have I known you?" He said at lengh.
"Umm." Leonard's face went blank.
"Approximately?"
"Err. I'm honestly not sure. my lord." Leonard Da Quirm appeared to think, "Erm. about. I would say. the last twenty years, my lord."
Vetinari stared at the inventer in disbelief. Twenty years! Maybe even longer.
Leonard blushed and looked down quickly at the amount of attention that the Patrician was giving him. Lord Vetinari realised how uncomfortable he was making Leonard and averted his gaze.
"My lord, why did you ask that question?" The inventor mumbled at the bare floorboards.
It was Vetinari's turn to stare at the floor now. *Why did he ask the question?* He thought to himself.
Leonard studied Vetinari. He took in the slightly-equine, thin, pale face, the high-necked robe that stretched down to the floor and the long thin hands that were clasped togather tightly.
Vetinari realised that the was under intense scrutiny and looked back at Leonard defiantly.
"My lord."
"Yes, Leonard?"
The artist was silent. He was looking away from the Patrician now, at a skeleton of a bird.
"Leonard?"
The man in question wouldn't respond. Vetinari tried waving his hand in front of Leonard's face. At the forth wave, the man suddenly gripped the Patrician's hand and brought it to his mouth, kissing it gently.
* * *
The City Council incuding wizards sat silently in the Rats Chamber and wondered where the hell Vetinari was.
"Damn this for a lark, if he doesn't come in the next ten minutes, I'm goint to look for him myself." Mustrum Ridcully muttered under his breath.
They waited another nine point five minutes, fidgeting nervously in the silence. Ridcully slapped his hand on the table and stood up.
"Right, I'm going. Anyone want to join me?"
No-one raised their hand.
"Stibbons!"
Ponder jerked out of his trance and looked around wildly.
"Stand up, look lively and follow me." Ridcully bellowed as Ponder stumbled to his feet and started to follow the Archchancellor out of the room.
"Where're we going, sir?" He inquired between panting for breath as Ridcully marched through the corridors towards the Oblong Office.
"Vetinari's gone walkabouts, or something of the sort."
Ponder Stibbons binked twice.
"Strange, isn't it?"
The younger wizard nodded.
They rounded a corner, almost went through the double doors of the Oblong Office, stopped, and stared.
* * *
After a while, Ridcully spoke.
"Tell me, Ponder, d'you think that when Vetinari went through, he realised that he'd left the door open?"
"He might have thought that he would be able to slip in and out of it without anyone noticing."
"Maybe."
Ridcully walked slowly towards the secret door of the secret passageway, that currently wasn't very secret, and peered inside.
"D'you think there could be traps, sir?" Ponder whispered.
The Archancellor shrugged and walked inside.
* * *
Lord Havelock Vetinari tried to suppress a giggle and failed.
They had swopped clothes after they had made love. The sight of Leonard inside his dusty black robes made him want to giggle.
Leonard da Quirm had taken one look at Vetinari and had gone into hysterical fits of laughter. Leonard usually wore grubby artist's robes with lots of creases and paint spilled over them.
They were beside the time-machine when Lord Vetinari heard a click.
* * *
"Well, that was quite uneventful in the way of traps." Ridcully said cheerfully as they stepped out of the corridor and into the dingy light of Leonard's workshop.
Ponder decided not to comment. He'd appeared to have had the whole Disc thrown at him in the last two minutes and right at this minute, he didn't feel that he could talk, let alone formulate a witty reply.
Ridcully looked around him with benign interest. He'd thought that he'd heard manic laughter eminating from the room and was now trying to find out where it had come from.
* * *
Lord Vetinari cursed under his breath and lay close to the time-machine as he heard the two wizards walking around the room.
If Ridcully found them behind this thing, in each other's clothes and holding onto one another tightly then there'd be no end of trouble when the Archchancellor's slow brain pieced togather all the evidence and worked out just exactly what had been going on.
He almost stopped breathing when he heard the wizard's footsteps growing closer. Then voices seemed to be coming from just above them.
* * *
They looked at it.
It seemed to be looking back.
To Ridcully, it looked like a pile of junk, randomly headed in a three- dimensional rectangular shape.
They looked at it from the side and found that it was covered in levers and buttons.
* * *
"If they tamper with the starting button, whilst the door's open, there's no knowing how far the range of the time-distorter will go." Leonard whispered into Vetinari's ear.
* * *
Both Leonard and Vetinari held their brath as Ridcully's and Ponder's conversation drifted around the corner of the machine to them.
"Look, there's a big red button here. Big red buttons are *meant* to be pushed." Ridcully.
But sir, it may cause the very fabric of existance to be ripped apart."
Vetinari and Leonard looked at each other.
"Don't you mean fabric of reality?"
"No, sir."
"What's this fabric of existance then?"
"It means that everything will not only cease to exist, but will never have existed in the first place."
"But if I've pressed the button in the futere, then that means that there won't be a me to make the decision of whether to press it or not."
Leonard looked at Vetinari and the Patrician shrugged.
Ponder was silent for a while. Then he said, "I suppose you could look at it like that, sir. But it might just destroy the Disc."
Ridcully pressed the red button.
I own none of the following characters in this fic.
This story actually has a meaning to it: At the end of the day, when all's said and done, the Patrician is only human.
I had to do Lord Vetyinari OOC to get my point across, but I hope I've written this fic. in Pterry's style. Some of it is a bit repeative, I'm sorry.
Apologyies in advance for the first chapter.
Lord Vetinari looked at the device in front of him carefully.
It appeared to be a wooden slatted box on wheels with a crude corrugated iron roof.
He walked around it slowly and looked at the back of the box. He then looked at the various buttons and levers that were riddled upon the front of the thing.
On the side of the box was a door with a metal handle protruding from it.
Leonard hovered nearby, watching his Lordship for his opinion.
"Can this thing *really* go back in time?" Vetinari murmured thoughtfully.
"Theoretically, my lord."
The Patrician looked at Leonard oddly before he replied.
"Theoretically?" He raised an eyebrow.
"Well, you see, to operate the "going-back-to-a-different-period-of-time- device," someone must stand outside it in order to push the buttons and levers, my lord."
"And you haven't been able to test it yet, because of this fact?"
"Yes, my lord."
"Hmm ."
Leonard stared at his creation for some time until he began to speak very slowly, as though the words that were to be said were going to start an avalanche.
"If you . would. pehaps like to . maybe." Vetinar looked at him sharply. Leonard looked up at him, his face full of hope for one moment before he saw the Patrician's face.
"No."
"No. I didn't think so." He stared at the floor for some time whilst Vetinari's gaze seemed to bore into him.
He looked up and saw that the Patrician wasn't in fact looking at him, but around him, at their surroundings.
"How long have I known you?" He said at lengh.
"Umm." Leonard's face went blank.
"Approximately?"
"Err. I'm honestly not sure. my lord." Leonard Da Quirm appeared to think, "Erm. about. I would say. the last twenty years, my lord."
Vetinari stared at the inventer in disbelief. Twenty years! Maybe even longer.
Leonard blushed and looked down quickly at the amount of attention that the Patrician was giving him. Lord Vetinari realised how uncomfortable he was making Leonard and averted his gaze.
"My lord, why did you ask that question?" The inventor mumbled at the bare floorboards.
It was Vetinari's turn to stare at the floor now. *Why did he ask the question?* He thought to himself.
Leonard studied Vetinari. He took in the slightly-equine, thin, pale face, the high-necked robe that stretched down to the floor and the long thin hands that were clasped togather tightly.
Vetinari realised that the was under intense scrutiny and looked back at Leonard defiantly.
"My lord."
"Yes, Leonard?"
The artist was silent. He was looking away from the Patrician now, at a skeleton of a bird.
"Leonard?"
The man in question wouldn't respond. Vetinari tried waving his hand in front of Leonard's face. At the forth wave, the man suddenly gripped the Patrician's hand and brought it to his mouth, kissing it gently.
* * *
The City Council incuding wizards sat silently in the Rats Chamber and wondered where the hell Vetinari was.
"Damn this for a lark, if he doesn't come in the next ten minutes, I'm goint to look for him myself." Mustrum Ridcully muttered under his breath.
They waited another nine point five minutes, fidgeting nervously in the silence. Ridcully slapped his hand on the table and stood up.
"Right, I'm going. Anyone want to join me?"
No-one raised their hand.
"Stibbons!"
Ponder jerked out of his trance and looked around wildly.
"Stand up, look lively and follow me." Ridcully bellowed as Ponder stumbled to his feet and started to follow the Archchancellor out of the room.
"Where're we going, sir?" He inquired between panting for breath as Ridcully marched through the corridors towards the Oblong Office.
"Vetinari's gone walkabouts, or something of the sort."
Ponder Stibbons binked twice.
"Strange, isn't it?"
The younger wizard nodded.
They rounded a corner, almost went through the double doors of the Oblong Office, stopped, and stared.
* * *
After a while, Ridcully spoke.
"Tell me, Ponder, d'you think that when Vetinari went through, he realised that he'd left the door open?"
"He might have thought that he would be able to slip in and out of it without anyone noticing."
"Maybe."
Ridcully walked slowly towards the secret door of the secret passageway, that currently wasn't very secret, and peered inside.
"D'you think there could be traps, sir?" Ponder whispered.
The Archancellor shrugged and walked inside.
* * *
Lord Havelock Vetinari tried to suppress a giggle and failed.
They had swopped clothes after they had made love. The sight of Leonard inside his dusty black robes made him want to giggle.
Leonard da Quirm had taken one look at Vetinari and had gone into hysterical fits of laughter. Leonard usually wore grubby artist's robes with lots of creases and paint spilled over them.
They were beside the time-machine when Lord Vetinari heard a click.
* * *
"Well, that was quite uneventful in the way of traps." Ridcully said cheerfully as they stepped out of the corridor and into the dingy light of Leonard's workshop.
Ponder decided not to comment. He'd appeared to have had the whole Disc thrown at him in the last two minutes and right at this minute, he didn't feel that he could talk, let alone formulate a witty reply.
Ridcully looked around him with benign interest. He'd thought that he'd heard manic laughter eminating from the room and was now trying to find out where it had come from.
* * *
Lord Vetinari cursed under his breath and lay close to the time-machine as he heard the two wizards walking around the room.
If Ridcully found them behind this thing, in each other's clothes and holding onto one another tightly then there'd be no end of trouble when the Archchancellor's slow brain pieced togather all the evidence and worked out just exactly what had been going on.
He almost stopped breathing when he heard the wizard's footsteps growing closer. Then voices seemed to be coming from just above them.
* * *
They looked at it.
It seemed to be looking back.
To Ridcully, it looked like a pile of junk, randomly headed in a three- dimensional rectangular shape.
They looked at it from the side and found that it was covered in levers and buttons.
* * *
"If they tamper with the starting button, whilst the door's open, there's no knowing how far the range of the time-distorter will go." Leonard whispered into Vetinari's ear.
* * *
Both Leonard and Vetinari held their brath as Ridcully's and Ponder's conversation drifted around the corner of the machine to them.
"Look, there's a big red button here. Big red buttons are *meant* to be pushed." Ridcully.
But sir, it may cause the very fabric of existance to be ripped apart."
Vetinari and Leonard looked at each other.
"Don't you mean fabric of reality?"
"No, sir."
"What's this fabric of existance then?"
"It means that everything will not only cease to exist, but will never have existed in the first place."
"But if I've pressed the button in the futere, then that means that there won't be a me to make the decision of whether to press it or not."
Leonard looked at Vetinari and the Patrician shrugged.
Ponder was silent for a while. Then he said, "I suppose you could look at it like that, sir. But it might just destroy the Disc."
Ridcully pressed the red button.