Chapter 11: The Secret's Out

The first full moon of the year was on a warm night in late September. We'd just gotten back to the dorm room from dinner, and I decided to get started on my Transfigurations homework until closer to dark, silently cursing McGonagall for giving us so much. I stretched out across my bed and began copying notes on how to Transfigure a porcupine into a pincushion. James and Sirius were engaged in a competitive game of wizarding chess, while being observed and advised by Peter.

While copying the second step from the book (aim the wand carefully at the side of the porcupine, not the front or back) I yawned and realized how exhausted I was. We'd been up most of the night before, terrorizing the Slytherin dorms. I felt my eyes growing heavy as my nose inched closer and closer to the open book.

I awoke suddenly and snapped my head up. Wondering what time it was, I glanced out the window. The sun was nearly setting! I had to leave right then or I'd never make it! I leapt up from bed.

"Sheesh, don't scare us like that, Remus," said Sirius, from where he was sitting on the floor hunched over the chessboard.

"I-I've got to go," I stuttered quickly, heading for the door. James and Sirius were on their feet in an instant.

"Where are you going?" James demanded. Both he and Sirius blocked the door.

"No time!" I shouted, panicking. "I've got to leave! Now!" I tried darting past them, but they grabbed me and held me back.

"Let go! Trust me, I've got to leave!" I wailed. From the corner of my eye I noticed that the sun was nearly down. I wasn't going to make it.

"What is wrong with you?" demanded Sirius, noticing how panicked I was and eyeing my trembling hands.

"I've got to get out of here!" I demanded, shoving him forcefully.

"You're not going anywhere until you tell us why you've got to leave!" he argued. Both he and James keeping a firm grip on my arms. I felt it all at once. I was transforming! Right there in the dorm room I was going to change into the wolf! I wailed and shrieked and cried. Sirius and James let go of me and stared, looking extremely startled. A voice escaped from my mouth that wasn't mine.

"Get me out of here, or you will die tonight." I fell to the floor, as the transformation continued, fighting desperately to keep my mind, to get out of the dorm room so I wouldn't kill my best friends. I felt the eyes of three alarmed faces staring down at me. I prayed they'd leave. It was only a matter of time before the wolf would start craving human flesh.

"What in bloody hell!" exclaimed Sirius. "Remus! What the hell's wrong with you?"

"Damn it! It can't be! Why this, of all things!" shouted James frantically.

"He's dying!" I heard Peter's voice. "We've got to help him!" No, I tried to shake my head. I needed to warn them. They had to leave. I remember hearing my screams changing to growls and whimpers, as I panicked through the last of my transformation. The wolf's nose caught the scent of human flesh, and my last senses of control slipped away.

I awoke the next morning after the sun had come up. It took me a moment to realize where I was, and then with horrible realization, I remembered the night before. Glancing around, I found that I was locked in a large cage, with thick metal bars. To my relief, James, Sirius and Peter were each asleep in their beds, curtains open, their faces facing my cage. They must have been making sure I didn't get out. My initial relief began to wear off and reality began to set in. I tried desperately to remember the night before. What had I done? But I hadn't the slightest recollection of anything after transforming, right before my best friends' eyes. James, Sirius and Peter knew. After keeping it a secret from them for over a year, they knew that I was a werewolf. How could I face them? I'd lied to them. I was a monster, not the boy they thought they knew, and they didn't deserve to have someone like me as a friend. If only I could have gotten out of that damned cage! I'd have left the dorm and never returned.

Unfortunately, the cage was small and crammed, and I could find no way of escaping. I watched in horror as James' eyes flickered open. He glanced at me and noticed that I was back to normal. He climbed from his bed and woke Sirius and Peter. None of them spoke, as they allowed me from the cage, and helped walk me to the infirmary in awkward silence, where I spent the remainder of the day drifting in and out of restless sleep.

By later that evening, I couldn't take it any longer. I didn't know what to do, but I certainly couldn't sit in the infirmary while Peter, James and Sirius announced to the whole school that I was a werewolf. No, it would be better just to get away before facing the humiliation rather than sticking around to see what would happen.

I climbed from my bed and sprinted from the infirmary, ignoring the calls from Madam Pomfrey behind me. I ran straight to the Gryffindor common room, which was nearly empty except for some first years, darted up the stairs, and forced open the door into our dorm room. James, Sirius and Peter were all gone. They should have been there. Classes were over for the day, it wasn't time for dinner, and since they hadn't been in the common room, the dorm was the only other place they should have been. Then it hit me. They weren't going to come back until I was gone. They didn't want to share their dorm with a werewolf. The professors had probably allowed them to stay somewhere else until I packed my bags and left Hogwarts. Who could blame them for not wanting to be around me? I couldn't stand myself anymore. I was a pathetic excuse of a human being, hiding the monstrous beast inside me. But I couldn't even be that anymore. Now, I was the wolf. I glanced around the room I'd called home for over a year, for the first time feeling like I didn't belong, feeling unwanted. Miserable with disgust, I walked towards the wall next to my bed, where my trunk sat. It's their fault anyway, I thought angrily, kicking the corner of my bed. If they'd let me leave last night they'd have never found out. My trunk was gone. I stared at the empty space where it had once sat. All of my things were gone. Even my desk, which wasn't really even mine. It belonged to the school. I see how it is, I thought. They couldn't even wait for me to move out my own things. They did it for me. Staring angrily around the room, I wondered what I should do. Out of the silence, I heard the sound of three sets of footsteps pounding up the staircase. They were coming. I knew I couldn't face them. I froze, unsure of what to do.

The delayed reaction finally came to me. They knew. I turned and ran as fast as I could. Finding the closest place to hide, which happened to be the bathroom, I locked myself inside. I sat down in the corner and cried. I sobbed loudly and didn't care. My only friends had found out my terrible secret. And I was certain of one thing. No one wanted to be friends with a werewolf. Other people had made that quite clear. I wanted to be dead. There was no reason left for me to live. I sobbed even harder. I could hear the voices of James and Sirius shouting, but I didn't listen to what they were saying. I didn't want to know. What's the use to live when you've got no one to share your laughs, to comfort your tears, to stand by your side no matter what, to be a true friend forever? I thought I'd found three people who I could consider true friends. Why did everything always go so wrong for me? Everything I'd ever wanted seemed impossible to have. I'd rather die a thousand times over than live this miserable life, I thought. I wanted to die, to be free from this living nightmare. But what could I do? I didn't have my wand, because I'd let it lying on my bed the night before when I was doing my homework. There was a sink. Could I drown myself? Still sobbing and wishing it didn't have to be this way, I plugged up the sink and began to fill it with water. I heard sounds of someone at the door. It sounded like they were picking the lock. Just get it over with, I told myself. I leaned over, hanging limply from the sink, most of my head immersed in the water. I couldn't breathe. At first it was terrifying and painful, but then the pain faded and became dull. I could feel myself slipping away to unconsciousness. Just before I did, I heard the bathroom door creak open.

"Remus!" I heard Sirius's voice shout. "Remus!" he pulled my face out of the water. I coughed and gasped for breath.

"No," I whispered as I sprawled out on the floor. "It was so close to being all over." Sirius stared at me, puzzled.

"What were you thinking?" he shouted. "Trying to get yourself killed?" James and Peter darted into the room. They looked at Sirius then at me with a confused expression.

"Why don't we go back to the dorm room?" James suggested. They got up and left. I followed. This was it. It was all over now. They knew and they didn't want to be friends with me anymore. They'd probably already told everyone that "Remus Lupin is a werewolf." I entered the dorm room, where Sirius and James were sitting, silently. I ignored them. I couldn't stay at Hogwarts anymore. I couldn't face the humiliation. I'd have to leave and return home to spend the rest of my life locked away from the world because no one could accept me for who I was, what I was. I felt James eyes on me and he opened his mouth as though he wanted to say something, but no words came out. Then, suddenly, Sirius burst out laughing. Yes, laughing. James stared at him, surprised. Oh great, I thought. He's not going to waste any time on making fun of me. And Snape thought he had it bad. But that wasn't it at all.

"You honestly think that we're going to stop being your friends just because you're a werewolf?" Sirius continued hysterically laughing. "I thought you knew us better than that!" James slowly began to smile, then he was laughing, too. I was appalled.

"If you want to be my friend then what the hell did you do with all my stuff?" I demanded. James and Sirius exchanged glances.

"Well?"

"Er—um Remus, when you transformed in the dorm last night, you er, kinda did some damage to the room. And well, the teachers found out, so they moved all of our stuff out to make repairs," said James.

"Yeah, if you would have paid more attention instead of being so determined by your suicide mission, you'd have noticed that all of our stuff was gone too!" Sirius scolded.

"Oh," I said, feeling foolish as I looked around and noticed that the entire dorm room was empty except for our beds. I felt my eyes tearing over again and made a quick effort to wipe the tears way. Sirius and James laughed again.

"There's no reason to cry. You know we don't mind that you're a werewolf. James here reckons he had it figured out months ago. Personally, I didn't believe him, but I was wrong," said Sirius.

"Yeah, can you believe it Remy, Sirius was wrong!" James teased. I looked at the two of them and began laughing through my tears. Looking back, the whole thing was kind of ridiculous. You have to be able to trust your friends. (Until, of course they murder your other best friends and laugh about it, but that doesn't come until later.)

"You are our friend, Remus," James said kindly. "We would never like you any less because of a small little thing like that." He smiled that infamous smile that could brighten any room. I couldn't fight the smile forming in the corners of my mouth. They were still my friends. They had accepted me for who I was. I had found my true friends.

"Now will you stop thinking about committing suicide, or leaving. You're one of us, we need you here. You cannot leave. We won't allow it," said Sirius. I nodded.

"One more thing," I said quietly. "You guys didn't tell anyone, right?"

"Of course not," said James, and Sirius nodded.

"And you won't, right?"

"Remus! Of course we won't!"

"Are you guys serious?" I asked to reinforce their answer.

"No," Sirius said. James looked at him, confused. This was it. They'd been lying. They hated me.

"He's James and I'm Sirius!" Sirius shouted, grinning. We laughed at his old joke. There was only one more question I needed an answer to.

"What exactly happened last night?" I asked. James, Sirius and Peter glanced at one another. I noticed for the first time the various scratches that covered the three of them.

"Well..." James began.

"I didn't..." I said, my stomach churning with worry.

"Of course not!" snapped James. "We're all fine. Look, why don't we just forget last night? The important thing is that we're all okay."

"Amen," said Peter, sighing.

"So, where do you go when it's full moon?" asked Sirius curiously. I told the three of them about the house, which was now known as the Shrieking Shack. I'd heard that people thought it was haunted. Of course I knew better than that. When I finished, Sirius looked interested.

"Wow," he said. "A secret passage." I knew I'd said too much when I saw that mischievous smile appear on his face.