Chapter 34: Gone
Graduation day arrived, much sooner than we wanted it to. I awoke to an annoying voice screeching "Reeeeeeeeeeemus! Reeeeeeeeemus!" I sat up to find a frog sitting on my stomach, red glowing clock numbers visible on its belly. Outside of my curtains, I could hear the muffled laughter of Sirius, James and Peter. I moaned and got up.
"C'mon, Remus," said Sirius brightly as I slid back the curtains. "Last day and we've got a lot to do, by the way of pranks, that is."
"Did you transfigure my alarm clock?" I asked, holding back laughter as the frog continued to say my name.
"Maybe," said Sirius, forcing his innocent look.
"Just come on, Moony," said James.
"There's no off button on this thing now!" I moaned, trying to make my alarm clock quiet.
"Oh, I'll fix it!" said James impatiently. "Now come on, we've got lots to do and very little time." He added, glancing at the time on my frog, before tossing it out the window.
"Hey! That was my alarm clock!" I shouted.
"Yeah, it was," said Sirius. "Now, really Moony. Hurry up!"
"Okay, okay," I grumbled, grabbing some clothes and heading for the bathroom. I dressed hurriedly, curious of what the three of them were planning this time. I knew it had to be something big, because it was the last day of school.
"Come on!" moaned James, pounding on the door as I brushed my hair. "You're wasting so much time!"
"Fine," I said, opening the door. "Here I am. Let's go!"
"Took ya long enough," said Sirius, as we headed to the common room. It was still dark outside, and couldn't have been after five a.m. Nevertheless, James was dashing for the common room, Sirius, Peter and I at his heels. It reminded me of time first year when we pulled our first prank. Only this time we didn't even bother with the Invisibility Cloak. We'd gotten much braver over the years.
"Everyone's expecting us to do something big at graduation," explained James, as we descended the main staircase.
We arrived in the Great Hall, where the house banners had been hung as they usually were at the end of each year.
"I think we could make some improvements here," said James, glancing around thoughtfully. He absentmindedly waved his wand at the Slytherin Banner. Slytherins Stink appeared in bright red letters across it.
"That's a start," said Sirius.
"We need to do something that people will remember us for," said James. He pulled out some firecrackers and we placed them at various places around the room. "Just like our first prank, only better," James explained as he placed the last of the firecrackers under Dumbledore's chair. "And of course, there is one more thing," he added, grinning. "But it has to wait until later." He pulled a tiny bottle with a greenish solution inside out of a pocket in his robes. "Crazy Potion," he explained. "It's a complicated recipe, but I finally perfected it. We'll slip a bit of it into Snape and Lockhart's drinks at lunch, and there's no telling what they'll do. The effects are different on everyone."
"Good idea Prongs," said Sirius approvingly.
"Won't someone figure out that they had potion though?" I asked doubtfully.
"Sure, Dumbledore probably will," said James. "But who cares. It's our graduation day. It's not like they're going to expel us now."
"We should get back to the common room," said Peter. "Breakfast starts soon." We headed back upstairs to the common room. As was a tradition on the last day of school, we were served breakfast in our common rooms. After eating and bidding farewell to the younger Gryffindors, we headed back to the dorm to prepare for graduation. All of us put on our best robes, and our black pointed hats. James wore scarlet robes, and his head boy pin. Lily matched him with her head girl pin and scarlet robes that nearly matched her hair. Both of them were giving speeches at the ceremony. James, Sirius and I were receiving scholarships to be trained as aurors, and Lily was receiving one to train for work at the ministry. Peter hadn't received any, but already had a job planned for after graduation, working as an assistant for a ministry official.
"We've got to pack up our things before we go to the ceremony," said Sirius sadly. We glanced around the dorm room, which had been ours for seven years. The cozy circular room with its stone walls, large windows, and five four poster beds. It showed quite obviously the occupation of five crazy teenage wizard boys. There were pictures covering practically every inch of wall space; pictures of Lily, Addi, and Erin, pictures of us, pictures of our families, pictures of quidditch players, and of course on Lockhart's side of the room, pictures of him. A table sat stacked high with books, parchment, quills and ink sat in the middle of the room. Scattered all over the floor were clothes, shoes, spellbooks, a few pairs of Sirius' socks, some dungbombs (which didn't smell half as bad as the socks), potions kits, cauldrons, and Peter's entire collection of famous wizard figurines, which marched back and forth and found it quite amusing to try to make you trip over them. Of course, if you actually stepped on them, though, they'd scream so loudly that the entire Gryffindor house would be woken up. Our trunks sat propped open, filled with as many jokes from Zonkos and candies from Honey Dukes as would possibly fit. I quickly blinked back the tears that had come to my eyes with the thought that we'd never come back there again. The most significant part of our lives was ending forever. All of us were a little more solemn than usual as we quietly packed up our things, and the room looked plain and unoccupied. By this time, James was comforting Lily, who was openly crying about leaving, and the rest of us exchanged sad glances. Sirius sighed.
"I'll miss it," he said.
"Yeah," agreed Peter.
"You know what's scary?" said Sirius. "I'll even miss Snape." We all looked at him in disbelief. "Well, he was so much fun to play jokes on," Sirius explained. He did have a point. We spent several moments reminiscing on all of the pranks we'd played on Snape.
We were interrupted when Lockhart came bustling into the room.
"Good day, mates!" he called cheerfully.
"Yeah, if it's the last day we have to see you, then it is a good day," muttered Sirius. We laughed. Lockhart was dressed in a muggle suit with velvet scarlet robes over it. His hair was exceptionally curly, and his pointed hat was bright gold.
"What the hell are you dressed like that for?" asked James, choking on laughter.
"Potter, Potter, one day you'll learn that when you're as highly respected a student as I, you must set a good example for your fellow students," said Lockhart proudly. We couldn't hold in the laughter any longer. Lockhart looked at us, puzzled, then went to his section of the room and began carefully packaging all of his pictures and mirrors in his trunk.
"What a fruitcake," muttered Sirius.
"What'd you say, mate?" asked Lockhart.
"Oh, I was just saying that I could eat some fruitcake," said Sirius. We all laughed.
Finally, we had to head to the Great Hall for the end of the year ceremony. We arrived to find that the Slytherin Banner still said Slytherins Stink. Snape and his cronies were crowded around it, their wands in the air, trying to curse it back, but having no luck. We took our usual seats at the Gryffindor table, for one last time. Everyone filed in and took their seats. Dumbledore stood before us all.
"Seventh years," he said, smiling around at all of us, the twinkle showing in his blue eyes. "Each year at this time, I am saddened to watch another year of my students depart this school. But more than I am sad, I am proud, because I know all of you have learned how to be some of the best witches and wizards the world has ever seen right here in this very school. Don't think of this day as an end to your school days, but as the beginning of your lives. Whether you continue on to work for the ministry, become aurors, teach here at school, or do something completely different, always follow your dreams and the very best will come to all of you. As I look around at this crowd of familiar faces, I recall my fond memories of each and every one of you, whether they be pranks or punishments, outstanding achievements or just conversations. You are all fully educated wizards and witches now, ready to take on the world. There will be dark days ahead of us all. Some of you will go on to fight the dark side and together we will overcome the horrors of these days. I know that with the knowledge, courage, and determination in each and every one of you, there is a power greater than Lord Voldemort could ever possess. I would be lying to you if I told you that it will be easy, but one day this world will be free from the control of Lord Voldemort. Those of you who devote your lives to defeating the dark side, I wish the best for you, your safety, and well being. To all of you, the best of luck in your future endeavors. And remember, you are always welcome here at Hogwarts. Now, James Potter, our head boy, will make his speech." Dumbledore sat down. James took a deep breath went forward.
"Fellow classmates," he began. "First of all, I would like to congratulate all of you for making it this far. Second of all, I'd like to offer a bit of encouragement. If I can be head boy, and Sirius can pass with the second highest grades of our year, then anyone here can achieve anything they want. Third, I would like to thank the entire staff here at Hogwarts for making our years here memorable, teaching us everything we know, and yes, even for catching us when we pulled pranks. We owe everything we've learned to you. And last, but not least, I'd like to apologize to every teacher here at Hogwarts that has ever had to put up with Sirius, Remus, Peter and I. We were rude, obnoxious troublemakers… but we loved every minute of it and would do it all over again if we could!" Sirius, Peter and I erupted into cheers, which were soon followed by others.
"And now, more importantly," James continued. "As Professor Dumbledore said, it will be no easy task to defeat Lord Voldemort. But we as a class are strong. Together we have the strength to defeat the strongest of dark powers. And we'll do whatever it takes; we'll devote our lives, we'll sacrifice everything, we'll fight to the end, and we will succeed!" The entire room erupted into cheers, except for the Slytherin table, where it remained silent.
James took his seat. After that, Lily made her speech, which was much more motivational and serious. Then we ate our final meal in the Great Hall. James slipped the bottle of potion out of his robes.
"Sirius, do the honors?" he asked.
"Certainly, mate," replied Sirius taking the bottle. He headed for the Slytherin table. We saw him having a conversation with Snape, who looked shocked. A few minutes later, Sirius returned to the table.
"All taken care of," he said. "Now all we do is wait and see what happens."
"And Lockhart," I whispered, motioning to where he was sitting a few seats away.
"Oy, Lockhart!" said Sirius. Lockhart glanced over. "How would you like to try our all new invention? It's a great tasting potion to add to your drink. One drop will keep your breath minty fresh and your teeth pearly white!"
"Wow," said Lockhart. "Certainly I'll try some, old chap! Although I do think my teeth are white enough already."
"There you are then," said Sirius, adding a few drops to Lockhart's drink. Unsuspectingly, Lockhart took a sip.
"Wow, tastes great!" he exclaimed. "Thanks mate." We laughed hysterically. I glanced over to the Slytherin table.
"Hey mates, look at Snape!" I said. "I think he's lost it!" Snape had climbed on top of the table and began to dance. People noticed and began laughing and pointing. Snape didn't even seem to notice, he just continued to dance.
"Well, it works," said James, grinning.
"You really shouldn't have done that," said Lily, grinning. Sirius shrugged.
"Wasn't me," he said. "And I'm serious!"
"I've never seen someone with such twisted logic!" I said, shaking my head.
"Thanks, Moony," said Sirius, grinning. I sighed. Snape was still dancing and many of the Slytherins had left the table. McGonagal seemed to be having an argument with Dumbledore, who appeared to be thoroughly enjoying the scene. Suddenly Lockhart jumped up as well.
"Mind if I join you, mate?" he called to Snape.
"Sure," called Snape cheerfully. Lockhart jumped up onto the table, and the two of them continued dancing.
"May I have this dance?" asked Snape to Lockhart. The entire room was roaring with laughter.
"I'd be delighted," said Lockhart, taking his hand. The two of them danced together.
"Oh, don't they just make the perfect couple," said Sirius.
"Ew, Sirius that's disgusting!" I said, frowning. Peter had fallen onto the floor in a fit of hysterical laughter, and James was kicking him trying to make him stop.
"Now I'd like to sing a song to you, my love," said Lockhart, kneeling before Snape.
"Oh, please do," said Snape, grinning.
"You are so beautiful to me…" Lockhart began. I'm not sure how it was possible, but the laughter had gotten even louder. McGonagal, who was struggling to keep a straight face, had turned even redder than her scarlet robes. James had now joined Peter rolling on the floor laughing, and Sirius stole Lily's camera and was busy taking pictures.
"I never want to forget this," he explained. Suddenly Lockhart stopped singing, and Snape's dreamy expression changed.
"What the hell are you doing!" exclaimed Snape, snatching his hand away from Lockhart.
"What was I doing? You mean what were you doing!" exclaimed Lockhart.
"I—I don't remember," said Snape, frowning.
"Me either," said Lockhart, heading back for the Gryffindor table, looking extremely puzzled, as everyone continued with hysterical laughter. No one told Lockhart what had been going on. After about ten more minutes, mostly everyone had finally calmed down, except for Peter, who was still lying in the middle of the floor laughing hysterically. James glanced at his watch.
"Three…two…one…" he said. All of the firecrackers went off, including the ones under Dumbledore's chair, which caused him to jump to his feet frantically. But then he laughed.
"I think we all know the four boys who are behind all of this," he said, glancing in our direction. "James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. Would the four of you please stand… and take a bow for the best end of the year prank this school has ever seen!" Once again, the room erupted in cheers. We bowed, especially Sirius, who did several Elvis impersonations. McGonagal's face flushed with anger, but she remained silent.
"That," said James proudly. "Was our best prank ever." We all agreed.
"Students," Dumbledore began, when we finished eating. " On a more serious note…"
"That's me!" shouted Sirius, jumping up and running around waving his hands in the air and grinning.
"No, not you, Mr. Black, sir," Dumbledore continued. "Before you are dismissed to the train, I would like to take a moment to recognize those students who received scholarships. The following top three students of this year received Auror Scholarships. Please stand when your name is called. They are James Potter, Sirius Black," There was applause. I knew my name was coming next. "And… Severus Snape." Snape stood up and glanced around, looking smug. James and Sirus exchanged puzzled glances with me. I couldn't figure out why I hadn't been the third receiver of the scholarship. It was supposed to be me, not Snape. "Now, before we depart," said Dumbledore, when he finished announcing the rest of the scholarships. "Let's sing the Hogwarts School Song one last time." We sang like usual, in a slow obnoxious tone so that we were the last ones finished. "You are all dismissed," said Dumbledore. "You may board the train. Your luggage has already been loaded. I need to speak to Mr. Remus Lupin please," he added. I told James, Sirius and Peter to go ahead and went to find Dumbledore.
"Headmaster," I said when I saw him. "You wanted to see me? Why didn't I get the scholarship like I was supposed to?" Dumbledore sighed.
"Remus, I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you. First of all, the scholarship. You were rightfully entitled to it, but I couldn't allow you to accept it."
"Why not!" I demanded.
"Remus," said Dumbledore. "As much as this hurts you, not everyone is willing to accept what you are. I've you'd have taken the scholarship, they wouldn't have been willing to train you anyway, and it would have been announced to the public that you're a werewolf. So, to save the difficulties and humiliation that it would have caused you, I decided to award the scholarship to another student instead. I'm terribly sorry that it had to be this way. Do you understand, Remus." I nodded. "Unfortunately, there's more bad news," said Dumbledore, the usual twinkle in his eye now gone. "Your mother passed away last night, Remus."
"What?" I said. "Not my mum!"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," said Dumbledore. "She'd been ill for a while." I nodded.
"It was my fault she didn't go to the doctor," I said. "She wanted to save all of our money for me." I began to cry.
"I'm terribly sorry, Remus," said Dumbledore. "Given your situation, I have a request for you. Would you teach Defense Against The Dark Arts here at Hogwarts next year?"
"You—you'd be willing to hire me to teach?" I asked, surprised.
"Certainly," said Dumbledore. "You'd make a fine teacher, and it's the least I can do since the scholarship didn't work out."
"Well, then I'll do it," I said.
"Now, you'd better catch the train. It'll be leaving any moment. I'll be seeing you next fall then, Professor Lupin," said Dumbledore. I headed for the train. So many thoughts were racing through my mind. My mum was dead, I wasn't getting the scholarship, and I was going to be a teacher at Hogwarts. I didn't know what to think right then. I found Peter, James, Lily and Sirius in our usual compartment on the train.
"Remus, what's wrong?" said James and Sirius in unison when they saw me. I felt tears rolling down my cheeks again.
"My—my mum died last night," I said. "And I can't get the scholarship."
"What? Why not?" demanded James.
"Because I'm a werewolf," I said quietly, taking a seat at the far side of the compartment near the window. Everyone got quiet because they seemed to have understood. We sat in silence for a long time. I couldn't believe my mum had died, just a day before I would have been home to see her. And I hadn't even been out of school yet and I was already getting shunned because of what I was. I was feeling thoroughly depressed as all of these thoughts ran continually through my mind, without the slightest trace of a thought of comfort or happiness to make them less painful. My friends weren't helpful. They remained silent, wrapped up in their own thoughts, too consumed with their own problems to worry about mine. But I realized that in just an hour I went from feeling like a carefree schoolboy, to feeling like an adult, with worries, frustrations and grief. I have to handle this like an adult, I told myself. There's no need to get depressed, just live with it, I repeated over and over in my mind.
I was no better now than I had been seven years ago, I thought sadly. Still depressed, still ashamed of myself. What had Hogwarts done for me? I thought about it. Without Hogwarts I never would have met my friends. Yes, friends. I had friends; +the only real friends I'd ever had I found at Hogwarts. And they had done more for me than anyone else in the world could. Their cleverness caused me to reveal my darkest secret. Their compassion caused them to accept me for what I was. Their strength made up for my weakness. Their support caused me to accept what I was. Their concern saved my life. And their friendship meant the world to me. Without them I would be nothing. Without them I wouldn't even be alive. They had done more for me than I'd ever be able to repay them. But I owed it to them, and to myself to accept the consequences of what had just happened, and understand that I had to go on. Was I going to let this get me depressed? Was I going to destroy all that the best seven years of my life had taught me over this? Hell no! Not then, not ever. I would get through these setbacks and move on with my life, but I would not let it destroy me! I wiped the tears from my eyes. There was no need to cry.
"Are you alright Remus?" asked Sirius, glancing over at me. I looked at my friend. Sirius had been through worse than I had. So much worse. Losing his mum when he was three days old, having his dad be murdered by Voldemort, and living with his abusive grandfather for three years. What right did I have to feel sorry for myself when my friends had been through so much worse?
"I'm fine," I replied.
"You sure?" asked James. James' life hadn't been easy either. He'd grown up in the best home life of all of us; his father was the minister of Magic, and his parents were two of the most caring concerned parents I'd ever seen. He had a nice house and got just about everything he wanted. But the death of his parents hit him suddenly and surprisingly. They'd sheltered him from the horrors of Voldemort so much that the first time he'd experienced death it was the death of his very own parents, and both at once. No matter how hard he tried to hide it, he hadn't been the same since.
"Really, guys," I said. "It's no big deal. I'll get through it."
"No sinks involved, right?" said Peter, grinning. I grinned sheepishly. Everyone laughed.
"No sinks," I said.
"Well, this is the last time we'll be riding this train," said James, looking fondly around the compartment we'd shared for seven years.
"You know," said Sirius thoughtfully. "If this is the last time I'm going to see Snape and Lockhart, and I certainly hope it is, I think I'd like to play one last prank on them. What do you guys think?"
"I'm for it," said James. "How about you, Moony?"
"Sure," I replied.
"Yay!" shouted Sirius in his little kid voice, yanking open the door and running the length of the train. "Oh Snapey! Where are you?" he called. James, Peter and I chased after him. Suddenly, Peter screamed from behind me. We turned around to find Peter face to face with Snape, both of their wands raised. Peter was shaking furiously and we noticed that Snape's hair was bright green. Sirius burst out laughing.
"No!" said Peter. "I mean—I didn't mean—I mean that's not what I meant to do! It was an accident!"
"Well, what have we here?" sneered Snape, glancing us all. "Black, I hope you aren't actually considering becoming an auror. It'll be a waste of your time. They never hire mudbloods. And Potter, I heard you're marrying that mudblood Evans. Shame to taint your family blood like that." James and Sirius had advanced on Snape, their wands poised. Peter looked relieved and slowly backed away. Snape, who apparently didn't feel threatened, continued talking. "Lupin, I know why you didn't get your scholarship. Werewolf!" At this, I joined Sirius and James in raising my wand.
"You might have spent seven years of you life thinking your better than us," said James in a calm, threatening whisper. "But you're wrong. Do you know why you're wrong? Because you can't accept people for what they are. You think everyone should be just like you, and think the way you do."
"Agghh! A world full of greasy haired narrow-minded slimeballs!" Sirius chimed in.
"Oh, listen to little Potter the mudblood lover," said Snape. "Always trying to be such a perfectionist. Why can't we all just get along?" he mocked. Snape's eyes then fell to Peter.
"Pettigrew, I don't know what you think you're doing, but you'd better watch it or you'll owe someone a good explanation," Snape threatened. Peter shuddered.
"Sorry," he trembled.
"Don't apologize!" said Snape. "You're a worthless little rat! Do you ever expect to accomplish anything like that?" James, Sirius and I exchanged puzzled glances. What was Snape talking about. We really didn't care.
"Hey Snape," said Sirius, as a mischievous grin spread across his face. "Ever considered modeling for a future career?" He waved his wand and Snape was dressed in a long pink dress. On his head was a blonde wig and his face was covered with too much makeup. We all laughed.
"Freaks!" sputtered Snape angrily as he darted back to his compartment.
"Good riddance," muttered James.
"You're so great at telling people off, James," said Sirius sarcastically. "You can't accept people for what they are. You think Snape understands that? You've got to speak in terms he understands. That's more like Me great and powerful wizard, you greasy slimeball. Sometimes you're just too nice. It's going to get you killed someday. I can see it now. You'll be battling Voldemort and he'll have his wand raised at you, and then you'll be like 'you shouldn't kill people! It's not nice!' Honestly!"
"I'm trying something new," said James. "It's called being honest. As much as I hate to admit it, we've got to start behaving like adults."
"Wwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh! I don't wanna!" Sirius wined.
"So Peter, what was Snape talking to you about?" I asked him.
"I don't know," Peter replied quickly.
"He's Snape," said Sirius. "He doesn't make any sense."
"Pink is so Snape's color," said James, mocking a tone Lily might have used. Sirius sniggered.
"What a pansy!"
"Who?" demanded James. "Me or Snape?"
"Well, you see Prongs, if you're a pansy then you like..."
"All right! Stop right there!" said James. "That's not funny!"
"Then why are you laughing, Prongs?" asked Sirius. We all laughed, taking our seats once again on the train.
"The last seven years have been the best of my life," I said.
"Yeah," agreed James. "What would I do without you guys?"
"Probably get in a lot less trouble," said Sirius, grinning.
"That's true," said Peter.
"We've been through so much together though," I said.
"Sheesh Moony, don't go getting all sentimental there on us! It's not like we're never going to see each other again. By next week we'll be so sick of each other that we'll be kicking each other out of our house," said Sirius.
"Yeah, you're right," I said. "And you'll be first to go." I added.
"Everybody loves me!" said Sirius, grinning.
"Yeah they do," said James. "Especially Snape and Lockhart..."
"Ew! Prongs!" said Sirius.
"Hey, you said it!" said James.
"Said what, Sweetie?" asked Lily sleepily from where she had just woken up next to James.
"Nothing, Lil," he said putting his arm around her and giving us a look that meant we were supposed to end the conversation.
We rode for a while in silence and my thoughts drifted back to the death of my mother and the refusal of my scholarship. Somehow, they didn't seem that bad. Sure they were losses, but I didn't feel completely self consumed as I had in the passed. I saw a path ahead of me. Maybe it wasn't clear, and maybe it wasn't what I wanted it to be, but I did have a future. I guess that day I learned that we all have our share of hard times, and my friends and I hadn't had easy lives at all. But you can't spend all of your time worrying about things you can't control. You just have to live with whatever life gives you. And the hardships you endure are what make you the person you are. Life isn't easy, it isn't simple and most of the things that people do and the things that happen have no simple explanation. It just isn't that way. There are some things that no one has control over, and those things we just have to accept for what they are. I'd seen many deaths and tragedies in my young life, but in a world with Voldemort, I was certain I hadn't seen them all. I can't really say that it gets any easier to deal with the loss, but I do know you develop more of an understanding. We're all here for a while and when our time comes we die. Some peoples' times come way to soon, but that's life. It's sad, but you learn to live with it. For the first time I felt like I understood what Sirius had described to me after his dad died. It was amazing how my mind felt incredibly clear, and my emotions very calm. I was ready to move on with my life. I looked out the window of the train. It was the end of a beautiful day. The bright blue sky was free of clouds and the sun was just setting in the west, casting an array of colors across the horizon. With the setting of that sun today sets the end of my childhood, I thought. And with the rise of the sun tomorrow morning starts a new chapter of my life.