Chapter One: Don't Take Candy From Strangers
Day One In Middle Earth!!!!!
Dear Diary,
I'm in MIDDLE EARTH!!!J Can U bileive it?! I'm not sure where in Middle Earth I am and I haven't met the Fellowship yet but I'm sure that I will. After all all those other girls who wrote about being transported here did? I cant wait to meet Logoless. He's such a hottie! My friends are so toattely going to be jealous. Even cooler is that my apperance has changed! My hair is longer and blonder and glossy and thick and shiny. I'm taller to. And I sort of glow. Isn't that awesome?! I love it here!
XOXO,
Marygoldina Suesannate
Day Something Or Other In Middle Earth
Dear Diary,
Somesort of evil thing influenced my so that I got slightly confused abuot wear I was a few days ago. Atleast I think it was a few days ago. Im not to sure. Oh well. I met some really wierd people a few days ago. I think that they were, like, hippies or sumthing,witch is so toattlly five minutes ago. I'm mean that's so out of fashion its not even retro anymore. They were nice though. Gave me some "magic beans" to eat, not to badd. I had some freakin' wieerd dreams after I ate them though…Can't really remember the people's names. I think it was something like Tom or Tim Bunzidrine or Benzidrone or something like that and his girlfind. Can't remember her name, oh well, she's not me so she's not that important. I dont feel very well…
Mary S.
Mary Sue was violently sick soon after she finished writing her latest diary entry. Once she was finished, she managed to drag herself over to a stream and get slightly cleaned up. She was able to get a small amount of water up to her face and into her mouth before it ran out of her hand. Why the hell hadn't she thought to bring a cup or something with her? She swirled the water around in her mouth and then spit out, trying to rid herself of the taste of bile. Utterly miserable, Mary Sue pulled her blanket out of her backpack and wrapped up in it. Her last thought before falling asleep was, I want my Mom.
"What art this?" the badly mangled old English was almost the first sound that Mary Sue heard after awaking from her drug induced sleep. Unfortunately, the very first thing she heard was the sound of people tripping over her prone body.
"Get off me!" She shrieked, kicking at whatever the hell had just landed on her. Two short, disgusting, little things scrambled to their massively nasty little feet, attempting to cop a feel in the process. Mary Sue drew herself up to her full height, in a pose that she thought made her look in control and commanding. In truth, she looked like she had just bitten into a lemon. She stared at the group. It seemed to consist of four revolting little creatures and one tall man.
"What the hell are you?!" Tact was not one of Mary Sue's strong points. The tall man answered.
"I am Arrowroot of Arrowshirt, also known as 'Stomper' and I have many n—"
"Yeah, whatever." Mary Sue interrupted. He wasn't even marginally good looking and so she didn't care. "I wasn't even talking you. What the hell are those things?" She pointed at the four small creatures. They were really gross looking. All short and kind of stubby and their feet, She wasn't even going to think about their feet. Or at least she thought they were feet, if just because they were at the end of the things' legs. One of the things spoke. He wore an old, slightly tattered bowling shirt and had a pink corkscrew tail.
"We are boggies from the Sty. I am Frito."
***
"We are boggies from the Sty. I am Frito." Amanda stared in amazement at the last line that she had just read. She had stumbled across a story entitled Marygoldina Suesannate's Amazing Adventures in Middle Earth a few minutes ago. Amanda had been surfing the 'net, trying to take her mind off the fact that her little sister was missing, when she found it. Although the story had "Bad Mary Sue" practically written in the summary, Amanda had clicked the link. Weird, she had thought at the time, isn't that what my sister wanted us to call her? Her sense of strangeness increased as she read the story. Amanda frowned. Was it possible that her sister had actually gotten sent to Middle Earth? She reread the last lines of the story. Okay, Mary Sue was not in Middle Earth. No one in Middle Earth acted like the things that her sister had just met. The term 'boggies' sounded vaguely familiar though. Hadn't her one of her friends used it recently? Which one? Amanda sat and thought for a few minutes. Then she got up and paced and thought for a few minutes. Then she flopped down on her bed and thought for a few minutes before falling asleep for a few hours.
***
"Frito?" Mary Sue repeated. "What the hell kind of name is 'Frito'? What the hell is a boogie? Do you mean booger?"
"No. I mean boggie." Frito spoke slowly, the same way a person would if they were talking to someone that they suspected was very stupid and possibly crazy. Mary Sue glared at Frito.
"Stop talking to me as if I'm stupid and possibly crazy." She snapped. She turned her attention to the two things that had fallen on her. "And what the hell do you think you're staring at?" The two tripped over themselves to prostrate themselves before her, apologizing profusely. They had been staring. They had never seen anyone who looked like Mary Sue before. With her long black hair shining with grease and her whole body glowing as if she bathed everyday in a cool mountain stream that had had radio-active waste dumped in it on a regular basis, the boggie twins, Moxie and Pepsi, thought that she was beautiful. Of course neither of them had so much as seen a female ever since the group had left the city of Whee almost a month ago and it had been even longer since either of them had gotten any, so that could have affected their opinions somewhat.
"Eewww. Like, get away from me!" Mary Sue aimed a kick at the two boggies who had been trying to lick her feet. She moved away from the group and started stuffing her blanket back into her bag. Once that was done, she stood and, with parting shot of
"I'm so totally out of here.", stalked off. The four boggies and one man stared after her. The man quickly called the boggies to action.
"Come! We shall follow her and a certain that she comes to no harm!" He proclaimed heroically. Spam, the only boggie not yet mentioned rolled his eyes.
"You just want to follow her because you got us lost and think that she knows the way out." He muttered.
***
Amanda had a plan when she awoke. First she was going to e-mail her friends and see if any of them had heard of 'boggies' or 'The Sty.' After that she was going to pay Mrs. Sithy a visit. Amanda had a plan when she awoke. It wasn't an especially smart plan, but it was a plan.
AN: Anyone who wants some more information about Bored of the Rings should go to this site: http://amethyst-angel.com/bored_of_the_rings.html. It has fan art, book excerpts, (Which have quite helpful considering that I lent a friend my copy of Bored and did not get it back until after I had started this chapter.) and a message board. If you decide that you want to buy your own copy of Bored, I got mine at Borders. Constructive Criticism is welcome.
Author's Desperate Plea for Help: Starting in this chapter the Bored of the Rings characters are going to start having a larger role. Since I am well aware that writing other people's characters is not one of my strong points, I want to know if there is anyone out there who is both familiar with Bored of the Rings, is good at fixing OOCness, and would be willing to beta read this and help me with the characterization. In return, I will worship you forever and would be willing to return the favor and proof read your writings. I would prefer it if you have written something before.
Author's Note's to Reviewers:
Muccamukk: Hmm…what will Mary Sue's fate be? I have an idea about what it's going to be, but nothing's written in stone. Heck it's not even written on paper yet.
Evil Old Woman: I get most of the 60s references, after all, I did take American History in high school. Heck, I even passed the class. ^.^ The stuff that I don't get my Mom explains to me.
Melyn: Thanks for finally giving me back my book. ^.^