QUATRE
The war has ended…finally…I've always believed that peace will finally be achieved…now we have it.
The significance of it all…so many dreams can be realized…how many times have I pictured this scene? The perfect sunset, the calmness in the air, the stillness in the atmosphere…it's all so perfect…
…Or at least it will be…if I could just find…
Wait…there he is…perhaps I should have predicted it. Sitting alone, with his Gundam, that's just the thing you'd expect my Trowa to do…even during something as significant as this…he still wants to be alone.
Watching him from this distance, I am reminded all over again of why and how I fell for him. Strange…our first contact was in a battle. In a way I think it was fate that he should be the first of the others I met…it was destiny…
I recall vaguely what Duo was saying to me only moments ago…the war is over, I can be with the one I want and not give a damn to the rest of it, I've fought and I've won, I deserve it, I deserve Heero and he wants me just as much, we have a future now, it's finally come…
Trowa…That's how I feel right now too…there's an incredible feeling of inner peace and satisfaction at all we've achieved, can you believe it? We can finally plan our future and know that it won't be a mere dream, that it's something that will happen, that we can make happen…now things are in our control, and I want nothing more…
For now though…I'll just watch you from afar…I can tell you need to be alone, just a little while longer, I'll approach when I sense you're ready, I have so much to tell you, but for now I'll just leave you alone…the right time will come…
* * *
How cold the night is! Yet as we sit here together, I can hardly feel the chill. There's a fire in the background, and outside, the sky is clear and the moon is full…it's so picturesque…I see it as a sign, a sign that our lives will be as wonderful as the scene is right here and now…
Trowa…what are you thinking about? You seemed to be avoiding my questions out there…but then that's just the way you are right? I know this must be strange to you, all of a sudden you find you are so needed by another, but not as a soldier to protect them. I guess the whole situation has you a bit confused, but I'm determined to help you find yourself…
I can feel you staring at me…as much as you try to hide it…why are you giving me such odd looks? Why are you acting so odd altogether? Even Wufei's noticing your behavior…
I wish you'd say something to me; you haven't talked to me the whole night…why is that? Did I scare you out there? I don't mean to push things, it's just I'm so excited! If you want to take things slowly just tell me…I don't mind, as long as you're happy…
There…you're staring at me again! But this is the first time you've looked me in the eyes…do I sense a slight redness in those pale cheeks?
I smile…Trowa will show his affections in his own ways, they may not be easy to understand…he's so different from anyone.
But then again, what else can you expect? He wouldn't be my Trowa otherwise…
* * *
I don't understand it…
I really don't…
Why…why did he…
I still can't accept it…How did this happen? Why didn't I do something to stop him? Why didn't I ask him…more…
I don't know, I must've lost my voice then…I know I lost the ability to think for a moment…it just came so unexpectedly…
Trowa rejected me…
All my beliefs…everything I had faith in…how did it all fall apart? Was I disillusioned from the start? If I was then why did he lead me on so? Why didn't he ever push me away when I held him, or resist when I kissed him? Why did he let me believe he loved me too…?
Find myself…that's how he put it…I need to find myself…so does that mean he never knew to begin with? He never had those emotions? He never felt the passion when we made love…just did it as if it was a task that had to be?
I don't understand! Why Trowa WHY!?
I should've tried to find out, in those moments when he went to get his belongings I should've stopped him. I should've interrogated him until he admitted…admitted anything, that he was playing me for a fool, that he was using me as comfort, that he was just bored…anything!
I can't stand not understanding…he promised to be back soon, but I could see that look in his eyes, he's not coming back…he's never coming back to me…something in my heart told me that was the last time I'd see him…
I couldn't stop him, it just felt wrong. If he didn't know himself, I can't help him to find out, I'd only make him more confused…I want to say that I can give him time, but somehow…I know Trowa will never be mine…he just doesn't belong to me…
The door to his room stands ajar…I enter…heaven knows why! I guess I just want to be in a place where I can still feel his presence…even though I feel like I don't know anything about him anymore…I thought I did, I must've been wrong.
Looking around, all those familiar objects seem strange to me…like I've never seen them before, despite the fact I've been around them for so long…just like how I feel as if Trowa is now a stranger…I never knew him…
Something in the corner of his desk catches my eyes…something shiny and metal…
Trowa's pistol…
Picking it up, I almost smile at the feeling of it…odd as it may sound but the gun looked like Trowa…so sleek, so beautiful...and so silent…yet it could be so deadly…yes … this gun was Trowa through and through.
I take it back with me…it's one thing I can still look to and see anything familiar…
* * *
Days turn into weeks, and those weeks into months…
Where are you Trowa? You promised to come back….how long do you plan on staying away from me?
I've sent him so many messages, none of which were replied. Has he gotten so cold hearted he can't even take the trouble of replying…just to tell me he's okay at least?
I don't get it…what's changed so? I thought we had such wonderful futures…and some of us do I admit…but what's happening to me and Trowa? He can't even stand the sight of me any more…I can only come to one conclusion…
He's not coming back…
I guess he never loved me…
* * *
I believed in destiny…I believed it was fate we should be together.
I now know I was wrong…in this world there is no love, no hope…even after all the struggles I've gone through…and I thought I was finally here…I was wrong, I was so wrong.
Alone, and abandoned, I've lost so much in this war. Trowa…he was the one thing I thought I could hold on to…now I know that's not even true…
I showed him my heart…he never took notice, I could give him my life but he wouldn't want it… he doesn't want me, he's made that part clear…
But why…why did he wait till now? Why did he put my hopes up so high? Why did he lead me on? Why can't he at least give me an explanation to why he had to be so cruel to me…?
I don't blame you for anything Trowa really…I know you must have reasons for doing this…I just wish I knew what they were…
What is there left for me? I've lost everything now…sure people can say I still have so much to live for, so much potential…but those are not really my own…my inheritance is a burden, not a blessing…my only dream had been to be able to be free….
To be able to be with him…
Now my dreams have been shattered…I just can't take it anymore…
Why did you offer me hope? With out hope there is no disappointment…
Everything I believed….that was all wrong…
People weren't kind at heart as nature…people are cruel, this world is cruel…this life is cruel…there is nothing to hope for and nothing I can live for…
I can feel the coolness of the metal in my hands…your pistol Trowa…even now it feels so good…it feels almost calming…
The sun is rising…it's a new day…soon those rays will engulf the darkness…
But what's the point? That's only an illusion…in truth, it's a dark world…
The tip of the gun is now pressed against my temple…strange…the feeling of it almost resembles a kiss you gave me once…it was on the same spot…and it felt just like this, still, cold…yet obviously holding back fire…
I can only smile…my last thought is still of you Trowa, even though you lead me on, left me, betrayed me and broke me…I still can't help loving you…
Because you are the one and only…
Trowa...
My fingers find the trigger…and gently…they pulled…
This is it Trowa…
If I never made it clear enough before…I will now…
I love you…
Farewell…
~OWARI~