Chapter One
Granted, I had a chance from the very beginning. Still, I was young, insecure, full of angst... and in
denial. I didn't see it, didn't want to, but now clear as the circumstance present themselves, I see it.
There she is, in all her splendor and giddiness, standing next to her long time friend... and now, yuppy-
head, fiancé. With him by her side, I'm no longer blind to the fact that I want her... no, NEED her in my
life. I honestly can't believe myself, I'm in love with her. But, what can I do? He's Frankie Muniz, and
I'm just Adam Lamberg.
"Well, Adam... aren't you going to congratulate me?" Congratulate her? Please, I rather succumb to the
heartache in my bathroom, alone and depressed like any ordinary reject.
"Ah, yeah of course, Hilary. Congratulations! I'm so...um.... happy for you." How can I deny her
anything? If she wants the goddam congratulations, she's got it. At least, I get a hug in return for that
one. To feel her in my arms just makes my heart skip a beat. Holding her for just those mere seconds
makes my entire body ache for those miserable seconds to turn into hours, into a lifetime of just having
her near me. Oh lord, just listen to me... I sound like a sap, a pathetic sap.
But, I have to keep myself in control. I can't let any of these people know how I'm really feeling,
especially considering the fact that the whole Lizzie McGuire crew is jumping for joy. Just look at them:
Lalaine is already planning the wedding decorations, while Jake is appointing himself the bachelor party
coordinator; not to mention, the producers and writers repeatedly shaking Frankie's hands and hugging
Hilary. Ah, it just makes me want to hurl. I can't watch this any longer, slowly I'm losing composure
and... my soulmate. And, there's nothing I can do about it but go to my trailer and let this all settle with
one of those simple-minded bunnies listed in my little black book. Perhaps, mindless conversation and
foreplay will heal the wound.
"Hey, Adam where you headed? A bunch of us are going to celebrate at Tony's bar, so your presence
would be much appreciated."
"As much as I would love to join you Hilary, I can't. I have this hot date who I've already cancelled on
several times before. "
"So cancel again. I'm sure this girl, whoever she is, will understand. Plus, she can't possibly be so hot
that you can't cancel for your best friend." There goes that smile of hers and those pleading, beautiful
eyes. I wish I could say "yes, I'll be there for you." But, I can't. I wouldn't be able to stand the sight of
her and Frankie together, holding hands, giving each other kisses. It just hurts too much.
"Look, I just really can't. I don't think she'll be so understanding this time and you know how I am, I
don't like to disappoint the ladies."
"You're disappointing this lady."
"Ah c'mon Hil. You know I'm here for you. Look, how about I come by your place and we have our
usual 'evening drinks and memories' with a touch of engagement celebration?" Great! Now I'm gonna
mess up a ritual by us talking about Frankie. But who cares? when I know I'm going to have her all to
myself. Maybe I can persuade her to do otherwise, to realize that Frankie isn't the right guy for her, to
understand that there's someone else who's willing to put all his dreams on hold just for her.
"Sounds good, but you will be missed."
"Yeah right. You won't even think twice about me."
"Geez Lamberg, save your sarcasm for someone who cares." Damn, she sounds so sweet even when
she's trying miserably (and failing) to be mean. You can tell she's giddy. She's laughing so innocently at
my dumb remarks, taking second looks of heartfelt love at Frankie. I really can't take it anymore. To
see her eyes mesmerizing someone who's not me, it just tears me apart.
"Well, I can see that you want to get back to Frankie and the rest, so I'll see you later. Have a good
time." I quickly turn around, barely making my last sentence audible. I just wouldn't be able to keep
myself together any longer, not when there's a threshold of rage burning my skin.
Just as I'm heading off the set, I feel that familiar touch, the one I've known since I was fifteen years
old. "Hey, Adam, you know I really will miss you," and with that she was gone. Why did those words
sound so final? Her voice held an edge of severity, it sounded so definitive. Yet, for a moment there, I
thought I heard, beneath that facade of bliss, a longing.
Who am I kidding? It's just wishful thinking.
Granted, I had a chance from the very beginning. Still, I was young, insecure, full of angst... and in
denial. I didn't see it, didn't want to, but now clear as the circumstance present themselves, I see it.
There she is, in all her splendor and giddiness, standing next to her long time friend... and now, yuppy-
head, fiancé. With him by her side, I'm no longer blind to the fact that I want her... no, NEED her in my
life. I honestly can't believe myself, I'm in love with her. But, what can I do? He's Frankie Muniz, and
I'm just Adam Lamberg.
"Well, Adam... aren't you going to congratulate me?" Congratulate her? Please, I rather succumb to the
heartache in my bathroom, alone and depressed like any ordinary reject.
"Ah, yeah of course, Hilary. Congratulations! I'm so...um.... happy for you." How can I deny her
anything? If she wants the goddam congratulations, she's got it. At least, I get a hug in return for that
one. To feel her in my arms just makes my heart skip a beat. Holding her for just those mere seconds
makes my entire body ache for those miserable seconds to turn into hours, into a lifetime of just having
her near me. Oh lord, just listen to me... I sound like a sap, a pathetic sap.
But, I have to keep myself in control. I can't let any of these people know how I'm really feeling,
especially considering the fact that the whole Lizzie McGuire crew is jumping for joy. Just look at them:
Lalaine is already planning the wedding decorations, while Jake is appointing himself the bachelor party
coordinator; not to mention, the producers and writers repeatedly shaking Frankie's hands and hugging
Hilary. Ah, it just makes me want to hurl. I can't watch this any longer, slowly I'm losing composure
and... my soulmate. And, there's nothing I can do about it but go to my trailer and let this all settle with
one of those simple-minded bunnies listed in my little black book. Perhaps, mindless conversation and
foreplay will heal the wound.
"Hey, Adam where you headed? A bunch of us are going to celebrate at Tony's bar, so your presence
would be much appreciated."
"As much as I would love to join you Hilary, I can't. I have this hot date who I've already cancelled on
several times before. "
"So cancel again. I'm sure this girl, whoever she is, will understand. Plus, she can't possibly be so hot
that you can't cancel for your best friend." There goes that smile of hers and those pleading, beautiful
eyes. I wish I could say "yes, I'll be there for you." But, I can't. I wouldn't be able to stand the sight of
her and Frankie together, holding hands, giving each other kisses. It just hurts too much.
"Look, I just really can't. I don't think she'll be so understanding this time and you know how I am, I
don't like to disappoint the ladies."
"You're disappointing this lady."
"Ah c'mon Hil. You know I'm here for you. Look, how about I come by your place and we have our
usual 'evening drinks and memories' with a touch of engagement celebration?" Great! Now I'm gonna
mess up a ritual by us talking about Frankie. But who cares? when I know I'm going to have her all to
myself. Maybe I can persuade her to do otherwise, to realize that Frankie isn't the right guy for her, to
understand that there's someone else who's willing to put all his dreams on hold just for her.
"Sounds good, but you will be missed."
"Yeah right. You won't even think twice about me."
"Geez Lamberg, save your sarcasm for someone who cares." Damn, she sounds so sweet even when
she's trying miserably (and failing) to be mean. You can tell she's giddy. She's laughing so innocently at
my dumb remarks, taking second looks of heartfelt love at Frankie. I really can't take it anymore. To
see her eyes mesmerizing someone who's not me, it just tears me apart.
"Well, I can see that you want to get back to Frankie and the rest, so I'll see you later. Have a good
time." I quickly turn around, barely making my last sentence audible. I just wouldn't be able to keep
myself together any longer, not when there's a threshold of rage burning my skin.
Just as I'm heading off the set, I feel that familiar touch, the one I've known since I was fifteen years
old. "Hey, Adam, you know I really will miss you," and with that she was gone. Why did those words
sound so final? Her voice held an edge of severity, it sounded so definitive. Yet, for a moment there, I
thought I heard, beneath that facade of bliss, a longing.
Who am I kidding? It's just wishful thinking.