Chapter Three
Tommy took a breath as the sound of Merton's relieved sob carried out of the room into the hallway outside of Becky's room. He'd been holding it since Leah had arrived and pushed Merton to where he needed to be, by his sister's side, seeing and feeling for himself that she had survived her car accident. He'd been at a loss of what to do for Merton when he'd watched him close up and freeze in fear of seeing his sister. Tommy crossed his arms over his chest and tried to separate Merton from Becky's bedside in the dark room before him. Tommy had seen other family members have the same reaction, beg and beg to see their loved ones and then freeze for a moment the second they could. Tommy believed it a protective instinct that the mind played on people waiting during a crisis. His theory was the mind tricked itself during the crisis into keeping a hope alive that there was no crisis, it kept a door open to the possibility they'd wake up from a nightmare and find their loved ones unharmed. Then reality would hit when the time came to see their loved ones after surgery, there had been a real danger of losing them and maybe that danger wasn't over. That made walking in to see them more intense and understandably terrifying.
Tommy was good with the patients, the nurses jokingly called him Dr. Bedside one calling it the perfect name for when he turned porn star. All the patients and their families loved that nice young intern Dawkins. But Merton wasn't just anybody, Merton had never been just anyone in his life, Tommy thought, still looking through the door. His eyes had adjusted to the darkness in the room and he could clearly make out Merton's back and see him holding Becky's hand. The years hadn't changed Merton, he was still in black and he was still too skinny, like he never ate enough. Tommy bit his lip and stepped away from the door; his eyes closed as he groaned inwardly, wishing he knew what the hell to do. He had a professional duty to Becky, but that wasn't what was on his mind and he kept trying to tell himself to focus on his duty. It wasn't right to use Becky's accident as a doorway to a second chance with Merton, this wasn't about him and the biggest regret of his life. He'd already blown it, when he'd had a chance to help Merton walk through the door Tommy had frozen and the person who hadn't missed her opportunity to have Merton in her life forever had appeared just in time and fixed it. Leah had pushed Merton into the door and helped him see for himself that Becky was breathing. And it had been her right, it was Leah's place to be by Merton's side, to hold him up in a crisis. Tommy had given up all rights he had to Merton the day he chose to run away instead of facing his emotions about himself and about Merton.
He shouldn't be standing there, staring into the room, watching Merton watch his sister breathe, but he couldn't leave, not on his own anyway. He'd have to be forced into leaving because this was a chance he thought he'd never have again. To see Merton again, to look at him and worry if he was eating enough. To see his blue eyes and his hair standing up on end. only it wasn't, Tommy swallowed at the realization. Merton had changed his hairstyle but not drastically, it was shorter, not spiked but he still had his side burns and the back of his neck was the same - exactly the same. Could it be that easy? Just a bit of change but everything else mostly the same? Could Tommy just step right back into Merton's life and ..
"Tommy? Are you her doctor?"
Tommy's hand flew to his mouth to try to hold in the shocked gasp. Leah was standing right next to him and he'd allowed himself to block her out, even though he knew she was there. She'd help Merton go into the room when he'd hadn't, after all, making Tommy roll his eyes at himself. "Do you have questions?" Tommy asked, turning to look down at Leah, ignoring the look of shock and uncertainty on her face as she eyed his stethoscope and his scrubs.
"About a million." Leah muttered, and then she took a breath. "Rebecca. How extensive were her injuries? What was the surgery she went through - and how long of a rehabilitation does she have ahead of her?"
"She was lucky, the injuries were internal and though dangerous were minor and easily repaired. She's going to hurt for awhile but she should be ready to go home in about week and it shouldn't be long until she's back on her feet. Becky's young and in excellent health." Tommy shifted his weight as he spoke to Leah, it had to be the most uncomfortable moment of his life. He felt like a heel of a doctor, thinking more about Becky's brother than Becky, and talking to Leah wasn't easy. It was too hard to look at her, she had Merton and he didn't.
"She shouldn't be alone when she is released, should she?"
"Um. well it's always best after major surgery to have someone around to help you out," Tommy said, glancing into the room at Merton again and forcing himself to close his eyes. He needed to think about the patient, his patient. "Have you called Mr. and Mrs. Dingle?"
"What?" Leah asked, sounding totally confused, making Tommy look at her directly. He took in her expression of complete bafflement and felt all his insides turn to stone.
"Their parents?"
"Oh. God." Leah started to shake her head, looking away from him, but when she looked up her eyes had hardened with undisguised anger at him. "They are dead. They died about three months after you left. Car accident. I'm surprised Merton didn't give himself a heart attack waiting for Rebecca." Her voice softened as she finished the news and she turned back to the room to look at Merton. "I better make him change out those wet clothes." With that she was gone from the hallway leaving Tommy alone in the hallway to digest the news about the Dingles.
Merton's parents had died. In a car accident. Hell, pure hell, Merton had to have been going through pure hell tonight. God, why hadn't Lori told him? She had to have known, why didn't she tell him, had he been that awful to her every time she tried to bring up Merton? God, he probably stopped her from telling him and lately he'd barely spoken to Lori. He didn't even know if she spoke to Merton any more, she was so far away in Seattle, working as a photographer. He felt dizzy and walked backward until he hit the wall opposite the door to Becky's room, using it to support his weight. Closing his eyes, he realized that another chance with Merton wasn't going to be possible, things hadn't just subtly changed over the years, things had changed too much. Merton had no parents. Lori was barely in his life and possibly not in Merton's at all. He was going to make a living as a doctor, something he never would have dreamed of before he walked out of Merton's life. It became harder for Tommy to breathe, it always did when he thought about what he had done after their first year of college - it was the biggest mistake of his life. It left a hole inside of him that he couldn't fill and he could never take it back. He had walked out without a goodbye, without an explanation and he couldn't just call up Merton and go, "hey, missed you, Buddy." And Becky's accident wasn't fate, it wasn't luck handing Merton back to him. If it was anything it was a punishment, it was the world mocking him by showing him what he had left behind and would always crave but never have. There was no second chance, there was no atonement for his mistake and most of all no forgiveness.
"Tommy?"
Tommy stopped breathing and looked up, he'd fallen on the floor with his head in his hands and Merton was staring down at him, holding his change of clothes. He was still wearing the wet clothes, and he was visibly shivering. Merton looked far too white and cold to be looking down at Tommy with what. concern that he was sitting on the hard floor, his head in hands? The guilt and regret burned harder inside of him and Tommy started to stand up.
"Becky's going to be okay. there isn't something you didn't tell Leah, is there?"
"Huh?" Tommy asked, nearly losing his balance as it hit him that Merton was worried that Tommy was anxious about Becky's health, not about Tommy. Finding his balance, he stood firmly and nearly laughed at his own absurdity for thinking otherwise. Of course that was it, it was all it could be, he made sure he held no importance in Merton's life. Merton probably hadn't even not missed him. "No. I told Leah everything. Really, Merton, Becky will be fine."
Merton looked at him for a long moment that had Tommy once again holding his breath. He couldn't take his eyes off Merton, those big eyes, that mouth, those eyes and.
"She'll be okay?"
. that voice. It wasn't as confident as Tommy's memory recalled, but the situation was one they'd never shared in the past.
Tommy nodded. "Yes."
Merton blinked and stepped back, looking into the room at his sister. The light had been turned on and Leah was sitting in the chair closest to the bed, Tommy saw her instantly look away from the two of them and pick up the book that been in her lap. Looking back at Tommy, Merton opened his mouth but nothing came out.
Tommy couldn't find his own voice at all and he nervously clasped his hands behind his neck.
"A doctor?" Merton asked him, his voice holding none of the disbelief most of his old friends had when they heard the news.
"Yeah."
Merton nodded at him and looked back at the room. "So you are Becky's?"
"Uh huh," Tommy heard himself say and he mentally cringed. That sounded competent and professional, he thought, but he forced himself to hold Merton's gaze. It wasn't full eye contact, which Tommy was grateful for, but it was enough to really see Merton's eyes again. Dark, clear blue eyes, God it really was Merton and he was talking to Tommy. Okay so he was Becky's doctor, but they were talking, Tommy forced himself to breathe.
"Where is a bathroom?"
Tommy pointed to Merton's left. "Go that way and it's right around the corner to your right."
Merton nodded, but before he walked away he spoke again, so quickly that Tommy wasn't sure he heard him. "Take care of her, Tommy, please?" Tommy blinked and his head turned in Merton's direction but he was so far away that Tommy wasn't sure if it had been real or his imagination. Had it been admonishment or a form of gratefulness that it was Tommy taking care of her? Tommy's heartbeat was loud in his ears and he prayed he heard Merton right. Merton's tone had been soft and almost pleading as if Tommy make sure to stay Becky's doctor. As if it had to be him that looked after her because Merton trusted him. Tommy let out a sigh and closed his eyes, he was imagining things. He was daydreaming, Merton had probably meant, 'take care of her or I'll sue.'
"Tommy."
Tommy gasped again as Leah intruded on his thoughts for the second time and he looked over at her.
"Do you need to look at Becky or do anything?"
Tommy nodded and walked into the room. "Just want to check her vitals." He trailed off as he pulled a mini-flashlight out of his pocket and checked Becky's eyes. "She's doing fine, she'll wake up in a few hours, I think."
"Good, maybe I can drag Merton out by then. He needs sleep."
Tommy bit his tongue, he didn't want to agree and he was pretty sure Leah was just worrying out loud. Glancing at her from the corner of his eye, he saw her brushing some of Becky's hair off her face, she wasn't talking to him at all.
"Almost done?" she asked, surprising him with the direct question, but she remained looking at Becky.
Déjà vu filled Tommy from the day Merton met Leah she was always trying to hurry him in the opposite direction of Merton. His jaw clenched and he wanted to fight her, he wanted to say he was Merton's friend too and he should stay, but he couldn't. They weren't friends, Tommy had ended that chapter in their lives and he had to live with it. It didn't matter how much he regretted it, he'd made the choice and would live with the emptiness. "Until morning," Tommy heard himself say. "And I am sure Merton will have questions himself by then."
Leah looked at him then and he met her gaze. She was silently asking if he planned to answer Merton's questions, so he nodded because there was no way anyone else would be there. Maybe it was being a bastard but Becky was his patient and until she wasn't, he was going to pray he got to see Merton as much as possible. "You should get him some hot coffee, Leah," Tommy said, as he made a few notes on Becky's chart. He dropped it into its slot and looked up to see Leah looking at him. She was looking at him with wide brown eyes that seemed to see through him, in fact he always believed she could when it came to Merton. She bit her lip and looked away from him and when she looked back her voice was gentle.
"Thank you, Tommy. For looking after Becky today, and I know it's helping Merton to know you are her doctor."
Damn it, he wished she wouldn't do that. She had always done that, one second staking her claim to Merton and then the next being understanding. It made it hard not to feel guilty about his irrational hatred of her. He didn't even know her, but she had Merton and he didn't. That was enough to make him wish her out of existence. He wondered why she had said that to him, though, it couldn't be true. Even if it fit his wishful thinking from the moment in the hallway. Merton couldn't trust him with Becky, not after how Tommy had left things between them. No. Leah was just being nice for some weird and annoying reason. "It's just my job," Tommy whispered to her.
She smiled at him but then her voice got louder. "Well, Bye, Tommy. Nice seeing you again. despite the circumstances."
And that was it, someone forcing his hand and reminding him that he had to leave. Tommy stepped out of the room and made himself turn in the opposite direction he'd sent Merton. He'd see Merton at least one more time before Becky's release. He had one more chance to memorize him and it would have to last him the rest of his life, because there was no second shot.
Tommy took a breath as the sound of Merton's relieved sob carried out of the room into the hallway outside of Becky's room. He'd been holding it since Leah had arrived and pushed Merton to where he needed to be, by his sister's side, seeing and feeling for himself that she had survived her car accident. He'd been at a loss of what to do for Merton when he'd watched him close up and freeze in fear of seeing his sister. Tommy crossed his arms over his chest and tried to separate Merton from Becky's bedside in the dark room before him. Tommy had seen other family members have the same reaction, beg and beg to see their loved ones and then freeze for a moment the second they could. Tommy believed it a protective instinct that the mind played on people waiting during a crisis. His theory was the mind tricked itself during the crisis into keeping a hope alive that there was no crisis, it kept a door open to the possibility they'd wake up from a nightmare and find their loved ones unharmed. Then reality would hit when the time came to see their loved ones after surgery, there had been a real danger of losing them and maybe that danger wasn't over. That made walking in to see them more intense and understandably terrifying.
Tommy was good with the patients, the nurses jokingly called him Dr. Bedside one calling it the perfect name for when he turned porn star. All the patients and their families loved that nice young intern Dawkins. But Merton wasn't just anybody, Merton had never been just anyone in his life, Tommy thought, still looking through the door. His eyes had adjusted to the darkness in the room and he could clearly make out Merton's back and see him holding Becky's hand. The years hadn't changed Merton, he was still in black and he was still too skinny, like he never ate enough. Tommy bit his lip and stepped away from the door; his eyes closed as he groaned inwardly, wishing he knew what the hell to do. He had a professional duty to Becky, but that wasn't what was on his mind and he kept trying to tell himself to focus on his duty. It wasn't right to use Becky's accident as a doorway to a second chance with Merton, this wasn't about him and the biggest regret of his life. He'd already blown it, when he'd had a chance to help Merton walk through the door Tommy had frozen and the person who hadn't missed her opportunity to have Merton in her life forever had appeared just in time and fixed it. Leah had pushed Merton into the door and helped him see for himself that Becky was breathing. And it had been her right, it was Leah's place to be by Merton's side, to hold him up in a crisis. Tommy had given up all rights he had to Merton the day he chose to run away instead of facing his emotions about himself and about Merton.
He shouldn't be standing there, staring into the room, watching Merton watch his sister breathe, but he couldn't leave, not on his own anyway. He'd have to be forced into leaving because this was a chance he thought he'd never have again. To see Merton again, to look at him and worry if he was eating enough. To see his blue eyes and his hair standing up on end. only it wasn't, Tommy swallowed at the realization. Merton had changed his hairstyle but not drastically, it was shorter, not spiked but he still had his side burns and the back of his neck was the same - exactly the same. Could it be that easy? Just a bit of change but everything else mostly the same? Could Tommy just step right back into Merton's life and ..
"Tommy? Are you her doctor?"
Tommy's hand flew to his mouth to try to hold in the shocked gasp. Leah was standing right next to him and he'd allowed himself to block her out, even though he knew she was there. She'd help Merton go into the room when he'd hadn't, after all, making Tommy roll his eyes at himself. "Do you have questions?" Tommy asked, turning to look down at Leah, ignoring the look of shock and uncertainty on her face as she eyed his stethoscope and his scrubs.
"About a million." Leah muttered, and then she took a breath. "Rebecca. How extensive were her injuries? What was the surgery she went through - and how long of a rehabilitation does she have ahead of her?"
"She was lucky, the injuries were internal and though dangerous were minor and easily repaired. She's going to hurt for awhile but she should be ready to go home in about week and it shouldn't be long until she's back on her feet. Becky's young and in excellent health." Tommy shifted his weight as he spoke to Leah, it had to be the most uncomfortable moment of his life. He felt like a heel of a doctor, thinking more about Becky's brother than Becky, and talking to Leah wasn't easy. It was too hard to look at her, she had Merton and he didn't.
"She shouldn't be alone when she is released, should she?"
"Um. well it's always best after major surgery to have someone around to help you out," Tommy said, glancing into the room at Merton again and forcing himself to close his eyes. He needed to think about the patient, his patient. "Have you called Mr. and Mrs. Dingle?"
"What?" Leah asked, sounding totally confused, making Tommy look at her directly. He took in her expression of complete bafflement and felt all his insides turn to stone.
"Their parents?"
"Oh. God." Leah started to shake her head, looking away from him, but when she looked up her eyes had hardened with undisguised anger at him. "They are dead. They died about three months after you left. Car accident. I'm surprised Merton didn't give himself a heart attack waiting for Rebecca." Her voice softened as she finished the news and she turned back to the room to look at Merton. "I better make him change out those wet clothes." With that she was gone from the hallway leaving Tommy alone in the hallway to digest the news about the Dingles.
Merton's parents had died. In a car accident. Hell, pure hell, Merton had to have been going through pure hell tonight. God, why hadn't Lori told him? She had to have known, why didn't she tell him, had he been that awful to her every time she tried to bring up Merton? God, he probably stopped her from telling him and lately he'd barely spoken to Lori. He didn't even know if she spoke to Merton any more, she was so far away in Seattle, working as a photographer. He felt dizzy and walked backward until he hit the wall opposite the door to Becky's room, using it to support his weight. Closing his eyes, he realized that another chance with Merton wasn't going to be possible, things hadn't just subtly changed over the years, things had changed too much. Merton had no parents. Lori was barely in his life and possibly not in Merton's at all. He was going to make a living as a doctor, something he never would have dreamed of before he walked out of Merton's life. It became harder for Tommy to breathe, it always did when he thought about what he had done after their first year of college - it was the biggest mistake of his life. It left a hole inside of him that he couldn't fill and he could never take it back. He had walked out without a goodbye, without an explanation and he couldn't just call up Merton and go, "hey, missed you, Buddy." And Becky's accident wasn't fate, it wasn't luck handing Merton back to him. If it was anything it was a punishment, it was the world mocking him by showing him what he had left behind and would always crave but never have. There was no second chance, there was no atonement for his mistake and most of all no forgiveness.
"Tommy?"
Tommy stopped breathing and looked up, he'd fallen on the floor with his head in his hands and Merton was staring down at him, holding his change of clothes. He was still wearing the wet clothes, and he was visibly shivering. Merton looked far too white and cold to be looking down at Tommy with what. concern that he was sitting on the hard floor, his head in hands? The guilt and regret burned harder inside of him and Tommy started to stand up.
"Becky's going to be okay. there isn't something you didn't tell Leah, is there?"
"Huh?" Tommy asked, nearly losing his balance as it hit him that Merton was worried that Tommy was anxious about Becky's health, not about Tommy. Finding his balance, he stood firmly and nearly laughed at his own absurdity for thinking otherwise. Of course that was it, it was all it could be, he made sure he held no importance in Merton's life. Merton probably hadn't even not missed him. "No. I told Leah everything. Really, Merton, Becky will be fine."
Merton looked at him for a long moment that had Tommy once again holding his breath. He couldn't take his eyes off Merton, those big eyes, that mouth, those eyes and.
"She'll be okay?"
. that voice. It wasn't as confident as Tommy's memory recalled, but the situation was one they'd never shared in the past.
Tommy nodded. "Yes."
Merton blinked and stepped back, looking into the room at his sister. The light had been turned on and Leah was sitting in the chair closest to the bed, Tommy saw her instantly look away from the two of them and pick up the book that been in her lap. Looking back at Tommy, Merton opened his mouth but nothing came out.
Tommy couldn't find his own voice at all and he nervously clasped his hands behind his neck.
"A doctor?" Merton asked him, his voice holding none of the disbelief most of his old friends had when they heard the news.
"Yeah."
Merton nodded at him and looked back at the room. "So you are Becky's?"
"Uh huh," Tommy heard himself say and he mentally cringed. That sounded competent and professional, he thought, but he forced himself to hold Merton's gaze. It wasn't full eye contact, which Tommy was grateful for, but it was enough to really see Merton's eyes again. Dark, clear blue eyes, God it really was Merton and he was talking to Tommy. Okay so he was Becky's doctor, but they were talking, Tommy forced himself to breathe.
"Where is a bathroom?"
Tommy pointed to Merton's left. "Go that way and it's right around the corner to your right."
Merton nodded, but before he walked away he spoke again, so quickly that Tommy wasn't sure he heard him. "Take care of her, Tommy, please?" Tommy blinked and his head turned in Merton's direction but he was so far away that Tommy wasn't sure if it had been real or his imagination. Had it been admonishment or a form of gratefulness that it was Tommy taking care of her? Tommy's heartbeat was loud in his ears and he prayed he heard Merton right. Merton's tone had been soft and almost pleading as if Tommy make sure to stay Becky's doctor. As if it had to be him that looked after her because Merton trusted him. Tommy let out a sigh and closed his eyes, he was imagining things. He was daydreaming, Merton had probably meant, 'take care of her or I'll sue.'
"Tommy."
Tommy gasped again as Leah intruded on his thoughts for the second time and he looked over at her.
"Do you need to look at Becky or do anything?"
Tommy nodded and walked into the room. "Just want to check her vitals." He trailed off as he pulled a mini-flashlight out of his pocket and checked Becky's eyes. "She's doing fine, she'll wake up in a few hours, I think."
"Good, maybe I can drag Merton out by then. He needs sleep."
Tommy bit his tongue, he didn't want to agree and he was pretty sure Leah was just worrying out loud. Glancing at her from the corner of his eye, he saw her brushing some of Becky's hair off her face, she wasn't talking to him at all.
"Almost done?" she asked, surprising him with the direct question, but she remained looking at Becky.
Déjà vu filled Tommy from the day Merton met Leah she was always trying to hurry him in the opposite direction of Merton. His jaw clenched and he wanted to fight her, he wanted to say he was Merton's friend too and he should stay, but he couldn't. They weren't friends, Tommy had ended that chapter in their lives and he had to live with it. It didn't matter how much he regretted it, he'd made the choice and would live with the emptiness. "Until morning," Tommy heard himself say. "And I am sure Merton will have questions himself by then."
Leah looked at him then and he met her gaze. She was silently asking if he planned to answer Merton's questions, so he nodded because there was no way anyone else would be there. Maybe it was being a bastard but Becky was his patient and until she wasn't, he was going to pray he got to see Merton as much as possible. "You should get him some hot coffee, Leah," Tommy said, as he made a few notes on Becky's chart. He dropped it into its slot and looked up to see Leah looking at him. She was looking at him with wide brown eyes that seemed to see through him, in fact he always believed she could when it came to Merton. She bit her lip and looked away from him and when she looked back her voice was gentle.
"Thank you, Tommy. For looking after Becky today, and I know it's helping Merton to know you are her doctor."
Damn it, he wished she wouldn't do that. She had always done that, one second staking her claim to Merton and then the next being understanding. It made it hard not to feel guilty about his irrational hatred of her. He didn't even know her, but she had Merton and he didn't. That was enough to make him wish her out of existence. He wondered why she had said that to him, though, it couldn't be true. Even if it fit his wishful thinking from the moment in the hallway. Merton couldn't trust him with Becky, not after how Tommy had left things between them. No. Leah was just being nice for some weird and annoying reason. "It's just my job," Tommy whispered to her.
She smiled at him but then her voice got louder. "Well, Bye, Tommy. Nice seeing you again. despite the circumstances."
And that was it, someone forcing his hand and reminding him that he had to leave. Tommy stepped out of the room and made himself turn in the opposite direction he'd sent Merton. He'd see Merton at least one more time before Becky's release. He had one more chance to memorize him and it would have to last him the rest of his life, because there was no second shot.