Chapter Four

She is just another patient… she is just another patient… was Tommy's mantra as he pushed open the door to Becky's room two days after her surgery. Being her doctor had been as awkward and as embarrassingly uncomfortable as Tommy had feared. First Becky had been shocked to find out he was Dr. Dawkins and he could tell from the look in her eyes that she was amazed he even knew how to read a thermometer. After her initial shock at the fact he was in charge of her care had come the death-glares and the cold shoulder. She was non-responsive to anything he said when he attempted friendly conversation. Tommy knew without asking that she hated him for vanishing without a word all those years ago and so he didn't look forward to seeing her. There was no reason to, he hadn't seen Merton in her room since the night of her accident, making him give up on the chance to have one last look at him. His attitude was do his job to the best of his ability and get Becky released as soon as was possible. As long as she was around, he couldn't get Merton off his mind and he couldn't stop the hope at a second chance from slipping into his thoughts. It was pointless, this was not a time to be optimistic. He'd lost Merton, by his own actions, and that was that.

"Thank you so much, Rebecca." A young woman in a candy striper uniform was gushing as she patted a book on Becky's bed stand lovingly. "I can't believe that soon I'll have a signed copy of…"

Becky cut her off but in such a sweet voice that the young woman didn't catch the look of irritation on her face. "It's no problem. My brother is always happy to sign copies of the book. I'll have him sign it tonight when he gets here."

"Thank you, thank you so much!" The girl practically floated out of the room, giving Tommy only a small nod of acknowledgement.

"Is it time for you to poke and prod me again?" Becky asked, her voice flat as she looked at him.

Tommy nodded and remembered his mantra, Becky was just another patient. A crabby one, but so what, a lot of his patients weren't chipper. It wasn't like he wanted her to gaze up at him like she had during high school, he didn't need her to have a school girl crush on him anymore – he just didn't want her to hate him. But he didn't blame her, he'd turned his back on her brother without a word. "Let's get started."

"Can I get out of here soon?"

"I think so. Tomorrow maybe."

"Good," Becky said, looking away from him and out the lone window in the room. "I want some fresh air and it will be better for everyone once I get home…" she trailed with a sharp intake of air. Tommy felt his jaw clench, it was obvious what she meant, she wanted him and Merton apart so that their lives wouldn't overlap any longer.

"Soon," Tommy said curtly and his eyes fell on the book the candy striper had left behind and the ornate gold lettering that spelled out Merton J. Dingle caught his eye. Autograph, Becky and the girl had been discussing Merton's autograph. "Merton wrote a book." He heard his own voice and cringed, he sounded like he was on drugs.

"No his name is on the book by accident. He's written four books, Tommy. Best sellers too, obviously you never noticed, but then again why would you have cared. You vanished without even backward glance."

"That's not true," Tommy snapped without thinking.

"What?" Becky asked, glaring at him. "What?"

Tommy closed his eyes and started shaking his head. "I don't read a lot that is all."

Becky let out a derisive snort and Tommy started to back away to leave the room.

"You're ready to go home, tomorrow, I'll get the paperwork in motion…"

"Why did you do it Tommy? Why did you leave Merton without an explanation or a word. How do you do that to a friend who believes in you, how Tommy?" Becky suddenly asked him her voice full of contempt.

Tommy froze, he was only a step away from leaving the room but he froze his back to her and stared at the hallway. He didn't have an answer to give to her, the truth was only Merton's to hear and Merton didn't want to hear it.

"I didn't think you'd have the guts to answer," Becky snapped.

Tommy closed his eyes and he turned around. "I had to." It hadn't been what he meant to say. He had wanted to say that he had reasons that had made sense at the time. He had wanted to at least try to explain that he'd regretted it immediately but hadn't seen anyway to take it back. Instead he had shared the worst possible truth, that he'd felt he had no choice but to runaway.

Becky stared at him from her bed, her eyes dark with fury and despite the fact she was more than a foot shorter than him and lying down Tommy's knees started to shake. The love of a sister was formidable and she was angry, so angry that her mouth opened but she couldn't speak. Becky put up her hand to keep him frozen in place and Tommy held his breath and waited, and finally when he thought his lungs would collapse from the pressure she spoke. "Stay. Away. From. My. Brother."

And Tommy almost laughed at her threat. Because, though it was the last thing he wanted to do, staying away from Merton was the choice he had. He couldn't go up to him and say a friendly, casual hello – he'd broken things past any possible repair. As much as he wanted to dream and hope he hadn't. Forcing himself to meet Becky's eyes, he felt chilled and he nodded at her because there was nothing else he could do. He would listen to her threat because what he'd done was something that couldn't be taken back.

~~

Merton sat in his car, staring up at the hospital, he wasn't supposed to meet Leah at Becky's room until seven o'clock. It was the deal they'd made, or rather Leah had asked him to make. He hadn't said anything, he had known instantly what she was doing. She had been finding out Tommy's hours from the nursing staff and scheduling their visits to Becky so they wouldn't run into him. He wasn't sure if it made him feel better or worse she was doing it, but he was going along with the idea. Avoiding Tommy was a good idea because seeing him hurt. It brought up too many memories and made even the good ones sting like they had when he'd been left alone wondering if he'd imagined their friendship. If it had been an illusion during his senior year of high school and that first year of college -- and maybe it had been. Maybe he'd been hanging onto a fluke connection he had made with Tommy Dawkins and pushed it too hard so that it finally crumbled apart.

Tommy had left without a word rather than tell Merton the truth. This entire relationship was a bad mistake on my part – you aren't the type of person I want to be friends with. Those words had been Merton's biggest fear since the first day Tommy had talked to him. He'd feared that one day Tommy would wake up and wonder what the hell he was doing associating with someone like Merton. Someone who didn't fit in with everyone else and never would – someone that wasn't about to change who he was to fit in, even if a part of him would always crave acceptance. He'd felt acceptance from Tommy. Tommy had seemed to like him, to actually think he was a person whose point of view counted for something. Tommy's acceptance had meant more to Merton than he'd let himself think about, and to keep it he'd hid facts about himself from Tommy. He'd been afraid if Tommy had learned the truth it send him packing. He'd hidden the truth so well that he'd started to believe the lies he was selling. He'd started to wonder why he had thought he liked men better than women, and everything had gotten more confusing and he ended up with more to hide from Tommy.

Not that it had mattered in the end. Tommy had walked out before he ever found out that Merton liked both sexes but that he was predominantly attracted to men. Or worse, that he was attracted to Tommy himself. In the end his feelings for Tommy and his true sexual confusion and denials had hurt himself and Leah. He'd wasted so much time lying and worrying about what Tommy would think because he'd just been a mistake in Tommy's life anyway. The truth was he hadn't had acceptance from Tommy at all if he could just get up and leave and what did it matter? So they'd been friends for two years, how well had they really known each other? Tommy had lied about being friends forever and Merton hadn't been honest about who he was.

Maybe avoiding Tommy wasn't necessary but it seemed to be the thing to do, wasn't it? But then avoiding Tommy had been Leah's idea and Becky had seconded it and Merton – he didn't know what he was doing. He slumped into the seat of his car and rolled his eyes. The truth was, he liked knowing Tommy was one of Becky's doctor's, he wasn't sure if it was because he had known Tommy or if it was because despite what Tommy had done to him – Merton remembered Tommy as someone who truly cared about people. Tommy was always trying to help someone out, he had a deep capacity to care about people. Merton used to get jealous at the attention Tommy would give near strangers because they needed directions or that he was always there for his team members. And he'd always been there for Merton, Merton frowned, this was why Leah had wanted him to avoid Tommy. This was why she was purposely avoiding the subject of the odd coincidence Tommy was Becky's doctor because she knew that when Merton thought about Tommy he'd inevitably get completely confused. How could the nice guy he'd been best friends with turn his back on him without a word? Merton spent way too much time in pondering the why of the end of their friendship, thinking there had to be a rational explanation that would explain what was essentially out of character behavior from Tommy.

Leah had never believed that, though, and after some time either had Becky. Then even Lori had told him that Tommy had been stupid and wrong to walk away like he had and Merton's insecurity had made him accept the only possibility he had – Tommy had decided Merton wasn't worth his friendship. Merton flinched at the thought, a sharp ache stabbing his chest, it hurt physically even after so many years. Merton breathed in and looked at his watch. It was still early but his butt was starting to fall asleep and Becky was right inside. He knew the nurses would let him before visiting hours, it turned out they were all fans of his, which had perks even if it was driving Becky crazy to have to talk about him all day. The decision made he got out of the car, locked it and headed toward the hospital when he heard Leah.

"Merton? Is that you?"

Leah. Merton stopped walking took a deep breath and tried his best not to compare her to a bad penny, but at times she was exactly like one. She had the most uncanny timing he knew and though he loved her to death their were times…

"Merton?"

"Hey, you're early too."

"Yeah, it didn't take me as long to do my errands as I thought. Why are you early?"

"Meetings finished early and I didn't feel like staring at Word."

"You are trying to hard…"

"I rather not talk about my writer's block, Leah."

Leah nodded and she looked past him at the hospital and he could see her wheels turning as she calculated their chances of bumping into Tommy. "Nighttime visiting hours don't start until seven, why don't we go across the street for coffee?"

"I want to go in. They'll let me see her."

"I could really use a coffee," Leah said, her voice lowering the second she met his eyes. "Am I being that obvious?"

Merton nodded. "Was I glaring?"

"Pretty much. I just… isn't it easier knowing you won't see him?"

Merton sighed, "I guess. I don't… you and Becky decided it would be and I can't find a reason to argue. You know, we haven't been friends longer than we were friends, Leah. So does it really matter if we run into each other. He's just some guy I went to high school with and like the rest of them when I run into them it doesn't count for much." He punctuated the sentence with a smile and wished he meant it, maybe he had known Tommy for a short period of time all things considered but Tommy had left a hell of an impression and a hole.

Leah stared at him and shook her head. "I know you are lying through your teeth, but I won't stop you from going in there. But I can't watch it."

Merton sighed. "Leah…"

"I don't want to see you open yourself up to be hurt again."

"I won't be," Merton said, his eyes rolling. "He doesn't care about me one way or the other, Leah. And anyway what do you think I'll do, drop to my knees and beg him to be friends again."

Leah sighed. "You wouldn't be that melodramatic. I don't think… though…."

Merton shook his head and cut her off. "Leah, avoiding him like he's a plague is pretty melodramatic, don't you think? That is what you want me to do, what Becky wants? Do you two think I'll turn to Jell-O or something?"

"You were in love with him," Leah whispered her eyes moving up toward the sky as she spoke away from him and she took a breath. "I… you know what? You should do what you want to do. I'm sorry I got so protective and Becky can't help herself when it comes to you, anymore than you can for her. So your call, we going in or to have coffee?"

Merton forgot himself and the confusion Tommy's reemergence in his life was causing the second he saw Leah fall into herself and avoid looking at him. He'd hurt her far more than Tommy had hurt him, because at least Tommy hadn't promised to love him forever and then take it away and offer only friendship in its place. Selfishly he held on to Leah in his life because he loved her, more than she'd ever know or understand but he wasn't in love with her and she'd been in love with him. She was trying to protect him from seeing the object of an un-returned affection, a pain she knew first hand because of him and he suddenly felt like a heel. "Come here."

She looked at him the second he spoke and he smiled at her, she stepped forward and he hugged her. As he hugged her he thought about giving in and giving her what she wanted. Avoiding even the slim chance of running into Tommy, but he couldn't. "I want to see my sister, the chances are slim we'll see Tommy anyway? Right?"

Leah nodded into his shoulder and then stepped back. "Slim, but not impossible."

"I like the odds."

"But what are you hoping for? To see him or not, Merton?"

Merton sighed and grabbed Leah's hand. "I don't know."

"That's honest."

"I know you're only trying to protect me."

"I can't help it when it comes to you, Merton."

Merton nodded. "Let's go visit Becky, Leah. Because honestly, we are creating a drama where there is none. He's just her doctor and nothing more is going to come from it."

Leah squeezed his hand and he squeezed back and looked at her sideways. She was looking straight ahead with a determined look on her face. But it didn't hide her fear and he felt a shudder roll down his spine. She really believed if he saw Tommy again, he'd open the door back up to him… and what if that was true? Leah had uncanny instincts sometimes, what if there was a chance to get back his best friend? Merton mentally shook himself for thinking like that and tried to tell himself he didn't want to bump into Tommy.