Chapter Five

Leah glanced at the door to Becky's room for the fifth time in ten minutes, she couldn't hear the argument that Merton was carrying on with his sister about her moving into the penthouse with them. Instead all she could do was imagine Tommy Dawkins walking into the room looking all cocky and confident with a stethoscope wrapped around his neck. Merton would try to not react but Leah would be able to see the tightening in his jaw and the intake of breathe he'd have at seeing Tommy. Her imagination was vivid and she could see it all in vivid visual detail and she wanted it to vanish. She willed it away and tried to listen in Becky's attempts to get Merton to see reason and understand why she wanted to go to her own apartment. It was futile. She couldn't stop thinking about the fact that Merton and Tommy were in each other's lives again, it wouldn't end when Becky was released tomorrow. Life had tossed them back together, after the both of them had experience enough life to change, to grow, to become safer in their own skins.

Leah believed in fate. Usually she found a comfort in it, in seeing the good things in what was seemingly the random patterns of life. It gave her hope that maybe their were more good souls in the world, that their were more good people in the world that would give and care. It gave her hope in people and things but when it came to the idea of Merton and Tommy finding a way to restart their relationship, to restart their friendship. Leah found herself cursing the fate she usually cherished. Tommy Dawkins could take her closest friend, her only family and if she faced facts a man she loved away from her. She had felt the one year she'd known him and seen their friendship, and it had come flooding back finding Merton with Tommy the night of Becky's accident. Danger alerts went off in her brain and she hated it. And she hated herself for being so jealous, so manipulative. She was pushing Merton to fight fate, something that went against everything that she was and to not go after a closure that would settle and calm his soul if he could gain it. He had a chance at it, at that closure.

And she was telling him to run from it as he could. Leah looked from the door, where she still stared envisioning Tommy's perfectly time entranced, and back to Merton. He was still shaking his head at Becky, who was shaking her head back at him. Leah rolled her eyes at the sibling battle of wills and wondered if maybe she should give Merton the right advice instead of pushing him to do what she wanted.

Maybe she should tell him to seek out Tommy, to talk to him and to at the least gain a sense of closure about the abrupt ending to their friendship. They had found each other again and maybe it meant they could have a second chance. Fear made her throat feel like it was closing and she looked away from Merton again and started to tell herself to calm down. Tommy Dawkins scared her more than any other man. He was the only real threat to her place in Merton's life. She knew Merton could never, would never, love her as a woman. He'd been in denial when they first met and so had she… but what she hadn't seen in Merton she had sensed in Tommy. She was sure that the feelings Merton had denied and carried with him during his friendship with Tommy had been mutual. She had seen the way Tommy looked at Merton, and the edge in his voice and the angry-hurt in his eyes when she was around. He perceived her as a threat and she had perceived him as one. And she'd been right too, Merton had confided in her years later after that he'd been in love with Tommy but afraid to let himself feel it and he had buried his realizations about his sexuality after meeting Tommy because he hadn't wanted to lose his best friend.

He'd lost him anyway.

And Leah wondered if she should tell Merton about her instincts about Tommy and why she feared him. Why Tommy made her so sure she'd lose her place in Merton's life and his heart. She'd lose being his confidant and him being hers. She'd lose just being around him and being able to call on him at all hours and all the time. She'd lose being the first priority after his sister.

"Leah?"

Leah looked up from the floor, into Merton's wide blue eyes and realized her own were full of tears. They started to trail down her face and she reached up quickly to wipe them away.

"What is wrong?" Merton asked, his voice low and Leah glanced at the bed and saw Becky had fallen asleep.

"How long has she been sleeping?" Leah whispered.

"Few minutes."

"Were you trying to get my attention that long?"

"I stared for awhile." Merton grinned. "Where were you?"

Leah smiled back at him, his smile always got to her. It was wide, trusting and just a bit mischievous hinting at the unknown treasures that resided inside of him. She knew a lot of those treasures but she knew there would be always more. Plus the parts of him she'd never witness. Tell him to find Tommy, a little voice whispered telling herself it was the right thing to do, that she should do it, instead she shook her head. "Nowhere."

"You're crying."

"I was dreaming, it was just a sad dream."

Merton furrowed his brow and grabbed her hand leading her out of Becky's room, taking them toward the elevators. "You were pretty quiet."

"Guess I am more tired than I realized."

"Worried about one the kids at the school?"

"Always," Leah said, wondering if he could hear her heart pounding as she studied his profile. He was thinking, he knew she wasn't being straight with him and she willed him to let it go.

"Are you crying about a kid?"

"No." Leah inwardly cringed, why couldn't she have said yes.

"Leah, you don't cry during a daydream."

"Sometimes you do."

"When?"

"I don't know, sometimes you just do. Haven't you ever moved yourself when you write or an idea for a moving scene comes to you? I would think you, of all people, could understand the power of a fantasy." Leah leaned against the elevator wall with a thump relieved she found a way to turn things against him. Maybe.

Merton stepped into the elevator and hit the button for the lobby. The whole time eyeing her suspiciously. "I've never cried while daydreaming."

"Never."

"No."

"Well maybe you should," Leah snapped.

Merton looked back at her, "Why are you so moody?"

"I just am, okay." Leah closed her eyes and started to mentally count to ten. Her conscience was urging her to tell him to find Tommy but her selfish side was screaming at her to not jeopardize the pieces of Merton she had. If he and Tommy renewed their friendship she'd lose more of him and she had already lost too much of him.

"Oh! Damn it," Merton said, startling her and she cracked open an eye to look at him. "I forgot to sign the books people dropped at Becky's feet. I've got to go back up."

"Do it tomorrow."

"No, there won't be time tomorrow."

Leah didn't want him to go back up there, not alone, not when Tommy was probably still in the hospital. "Don't."

"I have to, Leah."

"You don't have to do anything, you can mail the books and send them back to their owners."

"That's a pain in the ass and unfair to the people who want autographs."

"Then call Becky early and have her forge your signature. She's good at it."

"No." Merton said looking at her appalled and she felt appalled at herself but she couldn't lose him completely. She couldn't.

"But…"

"But what?" Merton asked as the doors to the elevator slid open.

Leah sighed and stepped in to the lobby. "Do it tomorrow."

"I've got to do it now. Tomorrow will be too much of a hassle. I'll see you at home."

"But…"

"But what?"

"Merton…" Leah's voice caught in her throat her conscience stalling her, her conscience telling her not to fight, telling her she was being ridiculous and paranoid. She didn't know if Tommy would be around for Merton to run in to. She didn't know if her worst fears would come true if they saw each other, she didn't know anything, except that she was terrified of losing Merton. The man who made her laugh, who her made her smile and who encouraged all her dreams. The man who had given her a place to always be herself. The man she was pathetically and hopelessly in love with. The elevator doors closed, if it was going to happen she'd lost her chance to stop it.

~~~

Merton pushed open the door to Becky's room expecting her to still be sleeping, instead she was awake looking tense and sighing at Tommy, who was standing at the foot of her bed. Her eyes widened the second she spotted him and she started shaking her head. "Go," she shouted at him.

Tommy turned around to see what Becky was reacting to and Merton met his eyes for a split second, he wanted to keep looking longer but he ignored the impulse and looked back at Becky. "Hi, Becky."

"Go away. Didn't you leave when I fell asleep before?"

"Yes."

"Then why are you back here?"

Merton rolled his eyes and walked further into the room. "I am back to sign the pile of books on your bedside, because I forgot earlier. And tomorrow will be a hassle, so here I am." He picked up the first book and the Sharpie on the bed stand and sat down in the chair by Becky's bed.

"So Tommy, done yet, good, bye," Becky snapped in one long breath at Tommy.

"I need to check your stitches still."

"How about in ten minutes?"

"I'll be heading home in ten minutes, Becky."

"Rebecca."

"Whatever…" Tommy's exasperated groan made Merton look up from his signing and right at his ex-best friend. Tommy chose that moment to glance at Merton, making him hold his breath and look back down at the book in his hand.

"Go away, Tommy, you aren't prodding and poking me in front of my brother."

"Fine. Fine, Becky… and you know it is Dr. Dawkins," Tommy said, irritated as he turned around and stalked out of the room.

Merton didn't think he just stood up, holding a paperback of his second book in one hand and the Sharpie in the other and followed Tommy. Behind him he heard his sister scream something at him about being out of his mind but he didn't listen. Tommy hadn't gone far. He was across the hall, his back to Merton with his hands and his head leaning against the wall. Merton watched his body shake with an exasperated sigh and cleared his throat. Tommy jumped around and blinked as he focused on Merton. Merton smiled, completely unsure why he was out there in the hallway. "I'm sorry."

"You're sorry? For what?" Tommy asked quickly, his voice angry and his expression shocked.

"For Becky."

"Oh." Tommy breathed out and looked down at the floor. "She's just…"

"Being unfair to you, you are helping her and she shouldn't be overlooking that. I mean you are the man making sure she's healing… and I…well I'm grateful and Becky should be…"

"Merton."

Merton shut up, Tommy's tone was almost warning and it was familiar. How many times had he had heard it when Tommy was angry or feeling short tempered about something in their friendship. The wave of familiarity made him look away from Tommy and the silence between them got loud.

"So you're pretty popular with… um readers?"

The question startled him and he looked back at Tommy and saw him studying the book in his hand. "Yeah, I guess, I mean I get asked to sign books a lot."

"Everyone in the hospital who's read your stuff keeps talking about it. So is it… you know all that stuff you used to talk about? Dragons and racks and things?"

Merton laughed because his didn't know what else to do.

"Yeah, well… I'll let you finish signing then finish checking Becky."

"No. I mean if you get off work after checking Becky… go on in. I'll wait. I'm the intruder. Becky shouldn't have…"

Tommy nodded at him. "It won't take long."

"I'll be fine out here for a second… I'll skim through my own book."

Tommy gave him a skittish smile before brushing past him and walking back into Becky's room.

Merton moved to the wall and leaned back, facing Becky's door, and realized his heart was beating wildly. Face to face with Tommy talking about nothing at felt like talking about everything. Everything that they'd been through and everything that happened and all of Merton's unanswered questions felt like they were in the air. In every word they spoke, every pause they took and every look. Awkward didn't cover it and what he was feeling right now was worse than fear or uncertainty. Tommy came out sooner than he expected and his insides jumped up into his throat. "Startled me," he said meeting Tommy's confused expression at his gasp. "Was thinking."

"I'm done, you can go finish up."

"She wasn't too…"

"She was fine, really, I shouldn't have let her get to me…"

"No she's being unfair."

"No she isn't, Merton."

"Tommy…."

"So, well keep writing… I'll have to go buy the first one." Tommy said suddenly and he started to walk away.

"Tommy," Merton called out after him. "Don't go yet… I mean wait for me…" Merton trailed off wondering what the hell he was thinking but it was too late now.

"Yeah, okay." Tommy said and he walked back. "I'll wait right here."

Merton nodded, biting his tongue just in time before he said something lame like 'great'. "Shouldn't be long… just a few more books left," he babbled before walking back into his sister's room. The second the door closed behind him, he found himself face to face to a very irate sister.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"Treating your doctor with some respect. Becky, he's helping you, you could be grateful."

"Grateful to Tommy Dawkins? You smoking crack or something? Don't you remember what he did to you? He was a total bastard."

Merton sighed at the memory of one day having a best friend and the next being without him as if two years hadn't happened at all. "I remember, Becky. Better than you."

"Then what are you doing?"

"I don't know."

"Well then don't do it, Merton. Don't. It's a dead end."

Merton studied her face as her anger faded and concern took over and he forced himself not to look over his shoulder at the door. "Go to sleep, you should rest. I'll see you in the morning. I just need to sign these last three books."

Becky bit her lip and somehow managed to keep her mouth shut and rolled over to her side. "Don't do anything stupid, Freaker," she muttered, mostly into her pillow but she knew he could hear it.