Disclaimer: Guess what? I don't own LoK or any of its characters.
Note: I have no clue who any of the 5 circle guardians were, but I'm guessing one of
them was Dejoule, oh and the first few chapters may be short
At Kain's throne, he's put up a doorway set with double doors and a bowl with five
people around it
Kain (voice over): You are about to experience Blood Omen 1. Can't remember all the
dialogue, but it's gonna have an attitude and no freakin' singing!
(Vorador, as 'Vorador', kicked the left door down, which crushed one of the circle
members. Vorador had a golden soul reaver that was obviously made out of cardboard
because it had some splinters sticking out and it was like one of the really fake swords
where when you stab someone, the plastic blade goes in the hilt to make the death
look real, only now, it looked stupid because Kain's budget was $5)
Circle member: I hope some green bastard doesn't kill me. (then Vorador kills him)
Oops! I guess I was wrong. I'm dead! Malek!
Zephon (as Dejoule): (in smooooth female voice) Oh, please don't kill me. Malek! You
won't kill me; my smooth long legs arouse you, no?
Vorador: (disgusted) No!
Zephon (as Dejoule): Oh, don't be a tease. (then Vorador kills him) That was a tease.
Gaaahh, I'm dead!
(then Vorador turns to mist and goes to Old circle member, who has tattoos, scars, a
sneer, and a machine gun)
Old circle member: Arghh! I'm the Guardian of Rambo! Arghh! You can't stop me!
(Vorador cuts the machine gun in half, then stabs the Guardian) Arghh! Malek!
(Janos, as 'Malek' came running forward, and it looked a lot like Janos, only with a
helmet taped to his face and armor taped to his body, making him also look stupid)
Vorador: Call your sheep! (then Vorador drank his 'blood', which was really just red
PowerAde) I'll be back! (then Vorador turns to mist as Malek ran into the room)
Janos (as Malek): Aw, come on. Where is everybody!? It was hard getting all this armor
on and now (starts fake crying) no one's here, just trying to hurt me feelings..
Vorador (as Vorador): SHUT THE HELL UP! Christ, you're stupid and whiny. (then
Vorador hits him with the incredibly fake soul reaver)
At Kain's throne room, he had another new fake-looking set up, with Janos (as Malek)
chained up and Dumah (as Mortanius) looking at Malek with glee
Dumah (as Mortanius): For royally screwing up and not saving the Circle, Malek of the
Sarfan, you are damn stupid. Oh, and damned. You are now our bitch.
Janos (as Malek): (obviously insulted) W-what!?
Dumah: (muttering) I love damning people. (as Mortanius) You are our bitch! Oh, and
the pleasure of flesh is no more! (Janos, as 'Malek' has his soul put into the suit of
armor, but since Kain couldn't edit out the flesh, there was still flesh) Damn it!
Janos (as Malek): Ha, I still have my flesh! (walking away as Janos and muttering) I'm
nobody's bitch, I'll kick their butts calling me their bitch.
At the Pillars
Zephon (as Ariel): (Zephon, as 'Ariel' is filing his nails looking at the Pillars whistling out
what he's gonna do tonight, then has a thought) I hope no evil possessed Guardian of
Death is gonna sneak up on me and kill me. That would be a real drag. (then a
possessed Guardian of Death comes and stabs Zephon) Gyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (the
scream gets so amazingly high pitched that the Sound stuns all vampires)
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh (then Zephon, as 'Ariel' collapses and wiggles a bit before
having a fake death) I'm dead!
Kain (voice over): Well, filming that part sure was not fun. Everyone screwed up half of
the time and pissed me off. Oh well, at least my Blood Omen 1 is beginning. And look,
there are even some bloopers.
Take 1
(the five Guardians are innocently sitting around when they hear a large 'bomp' sound)
Vorador: (muffled, from behind the doors) Ow!
Kain: Vorador, you have to push it forward, NOT pull it backward.
Take 2
(Vorador uses all of his strength after being humiliated and kicks the left door down,
followed by the right, then followed by the scene)
Vorador: Oops.
Kain: Damn it Vorador!
Take 7
(Vorador gets to Zephon, as Dejoule
Zephon (as Dejoule): (in in smooooth female voice) Oh, please don't kill me. Malek! You
won't kill me; my smooth long legs arouse you, no? (as Zephon) Damn, I have sexy
legs, now I'm aroused!
Kain: I'LL KILL YOU ZEPHON!
(Turel comes up to try to calm down Kain)
Turel: Y'know, here's something you should think about. (in a singing voice) Some
things can make you mad. Some things can make you curse. But you shoooouuuuld
Always look on the bright side of li-
Kain: (to Turel) STOP SINGING AT ME!!!
Turel: (afraid) Yes sir.
Take 15
Old circle member: Arghh! I'm the Guardian of Rambo! Arghh! You can't stop me! (then
the Guardian of Rambo accidentally shot Vorador..a lot) Uh-oh.
Take 20
(Janos, as 'Malek', has run up to past the door, and is supposed to be looking for the
circle members, but there's a hole in the ceiling directly above him and it rains)
Janos: Oh crap. Help me, I'm stuck!
Kain: Now Vorador, beat the crap outta him!
Take 23
Dumah (as Mortanius): For royally screwing up and not saving the Circle, Malek of the
Sarfan, you are damn stupid. Oh, and damned. You are now our bitch.
Janos: No, you're my bitch!
Dumah: You're the bitch!
Janos: No, you're the bitch!
Kain: SHUT THE HELL UP!
(Kain's looking at what Zephon put on the script)
Kain: 'Gyah?'
Zephon: More dramatic than 'Ahhh.'
Kain: Idiot.
Well, I hope you people liked this; next time will hopefully be from Kain's death to the
pillars. Don't forget to review!
Note: I have no clue who any of the 5 circle guardians were, but I'm guessing one of
them was Dejoule, oh and the first few chapters may be short
At Kain's throne, he's put up a doorway set with double doors and a bowl with five
people around it
Kain (voice over): You are about to experience Blood Omen 1. Can't remember all the
dialogue, but it's gonna have an attitude and no freakin' singing!
(Vorador, as 'Vorador', kicked the left door down, which crushed one of the circle
members. Vorador had a golden soul reaver that was obviously made out of cardboard
because it had some splinters sticking out and it was like one of the really fake swords
where when you stab someone, the plastic blade goes in the hilt to make the death
look real, only now, it looked stupid because Kain's budget was $5)
Circle member: I hope some green bastard doesn't kill me. (then Vorador kills him)
Oops! I guess I was wrong. I'm dead! Malek!
Zephon (as Dejoule): (in smooooth female voice) Oh, please don't kill me. Malek! You
won't kill me; my smooth long legs arouse you, no?
Vorador: (disgusted) No!
Zephon (as Dejoule): Oh, don't be a tease. (then Vorador kills him) That was a tease.
Gaaahh, I'm dead!
(then Vorador turns to mist and goes to Old circle member, who has tattoos, scars, a
sneer, and a machine gun)
Old circle member: Arghh! I'm the Guardian of Rambo! Arghh! You can't stop me!
(Vorador cuts the machine gun in half, then stabs the Guardian) Arghh! Malek!
(Janos, as 'Malek' came running forward, and it looked a lot like Janos, only with a
helmet taped to his face and armor taped to his body, making him also look stupid)
Vorador: Call your sheep! (then Vorador drank his 'blood', which was really just red
PowerAde) I'll be back! (then Vorador turns to mist as Malek ran into the room)
Janos (as Malek): Aw, come on. Where is everybody!? It was hard getting all this armor
on and now (starts fake crying) no one's here, just trying to hurt me feelings..
Vorador (as Vorador): SHUT THE HELL UP! Christ, you're stupid and whiny. (then
Vorador hits him with the incredibly fake soul reaver)
At Kain's throne room, he had another new fake-looking set up, with Janos (as Malek)
chained up and Dumah (as Mortanius) looking at Malek with glee
Dumah (as Mortanius): For royally screwing up and not saving the Circle, Malek of the
Sarfan, you are damn stupid. Oh, and damned. You are now our bitch.
Janos (as Malek): (obviously insulted) W-what!?
Dumah: (muttering) I love damning people. (as Mortanius) You are our bitch! Oh, and
the pleasure of flesh is no more! (Janos, as 'Malek' has his soul put into the suit of
armor, but since Kain couldn't edit out the flesh, there was still flesh) Damn it!
Janos (as Malek): Ha, I still have my flesh! (walking away as Janos and muttering) I'm
nobody's bitch, I'll kick their butts calling me their bitch.
At the Pillars
Zephon (as Ariel): (Zephon, as 'Ariel' is filing his nails looking at the Pillars whistling out
what he's gonna do tonight, then has a thought) I hope no evil possessed Guardian of
Death is gonna sneak up on me and kill me. That would be a real drag. (then a
possessed Guardian of Death comes and stabs Zephon) Gyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (the
scream gets so amazingly high pitched that the Sound stuns all vampires)
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh (then Zephon, as 'Ariel' collapses and wiggles a bit before
having a fake death) I'm dead!
Kain (voice over): Well, filming that part sure was not fun. Everyone screwed up half of
the time and pissed me off. Oh well, at least my Blood Omen 1 is beginning. And look,
there are even some bloopers.
Take 1
(the five Guardians are innocently sitting around when they hear a large 'bomp' sound)
Vorador: (muffled, from behind the doors) Ow!
Kain: Vorador, you have to push it forward, NOT pull it backward.
Take 2
(Vorador uses all of his strength after being humiliated and kicks the left door down,
followed by the right, then followed by the scene)
Vorador: Oops.
Kain: Damn it Vorador!
Take 7
(Vorador gets to Zephon, as Dejoule
Zephon (as Dejoule): (in in smooooth female voice) Oh, please don't kill me. Malek! You
won't kill me; my smooth long legs arouse you, no? (as Zephon) Damn, I have sexy
legs, now I'm aroused!
Kain: I'LL KILL YOU ZEPHON!
(Turel comes up to try to calm down Kain)
Turel: Y'know, here's something you should think about. (in a singing voice) Some
things can make you mad. Some things can make you curse. But you shoooouuuuld
Always look on the bright side of li-
Kain: (to Turel) STOP SINGING AT ME!!!
Turel: (afraid) Yes sir.
Take 15
Old circle member: Arghh! I'm the Guardian of Rambo! Arghh! You can't stop me! (then
the Guardian of Rambo accidentally shot Vorador..a lot) Uh-oh.
Take 20
(Janos, as 'Malek', has run up to past the door, and is supposed to be looking for the
circle members, but there's a hole in the ceiling directly above him and it rains)
Janos: Oh crap. Help me, I'm stuck!
Kain: Now Vorador, beat the crap outta him!
Take 23
Dumah (as Mortanius): For royally screwing up and not saving the Circle, Malek of the
Sarfan, you are damn stupid. Oh, and damned. You are now our bitch.
Janos: No, you're my bitch!
Dumah: You're the bitch!
Janos: No, you're the bitch!
Kain: SHUT THE HELL UP!
(Kain's looking at what Zephon put on the script)
Kain: 'Gyah?'
Zephon: More dramatic than 'Ahhh.'
Kain: Idiot.
Well, I hope you people liked this; next time will hopefully be from Kain's death to the
pillars. Don't forget to review!