Disclaimer: LoK and any of the characters sadly don't belong to me. Okay,
let's get this
show on the road!
At Kain's throne room before filming
Raziel: Is Mobius the ONLY role I play?
Kain: Yes.
Raziel: Why?
Kain: Because you annoy the hell outta me, and now I don't have to deal with you
nearly as much.
Raziel: Then can I play that barkeeper at the beginning?
Kain: You mean the bastard to throw me out so I could get killed?
(then Dumah heard the part about Kain getting killed)
Dumah: Oh! Can I be the assassin?
Kain: Why?
Dumah: Cause I love to kill stuff.
Kain: That's my son! (to Raziel) Why can't you be more like him?
Dumah: Nanananana! Daddy picked me!
Raziel: But he's an asshole!
Kain: Exactly. (to Dumah) Would you mind if Raziel was the barkeeper?
Dumah: I suppose so. The barkeeper needs a BAD actor anyway. I love you dad.
Kain: I almost don't despise you Dumah.
Raziel: But, what about our friendship?
Kain: Aw, shut up ingrate. Time to film!
Raziel: Wait! You spelled Moebius and Sarafan wrong.
Kain: And you wonder why I hate you?
At a tavern, filming has started
Raziel (as barkeeper): The tavern's closed; go the hell away.
Turel (as human Kain): (singing his lines) Whaaa-aaat? Noooo beer or alcohol or ale for
aaa-aaa traveler from the mystical land of Coooo-oooorhagen? I aaaaaam a noble who
can reward you weeeeell!
Raziel: (whispering) What's up with you singing your lines?
Turel: (whispering) Just play along. I really wanna sing.
Raziel (as barkeeper): I won't stay open for you, scum! Thing's come at night that can
scare the piss out of a person.
(Turel, as 'human Kain' walks outside)
Turel (as human Kain): And so I left. Cold and wanting to kill that vile bastard. Forced
to the road, where I would have to walk 15 miles in ankle deep snow, unlike those
youngsters these days who have those fancy cars.
Some Dude: That's him!
Dumah (as an assassin): Yippy ki yay, mother fu'er!
Turel (as Kain): (sees the 2 evil people) Oh doody.
The scene is now the ledge over the abyss, but with red shading
(Turel, as 'human Kain' is tied to 2 poles)
Turel (as human Kain): Fae Fictus-
Kain: (Kain was directing this movie and heard that obviously blasphemous remark)
IT'S VAE VICTUS, YOU STUPID ASS!!! (to Rahab) Can we edit what I just said out?
Rahab: Nope. Not enough money.
Back to the filming
Turel (as human Kain): I lost to the village idiots. Now I was suffering. (Dumah, as
'Mortanius', walked up to Turel, but because Dumah still couldn't see through his cheap
costume, he passed Turel and almost fell into the abyss. He turned back and ran
straight into Turel front and got impaled through the sword sticking through Turel) Not
anything pleasurable as sexy physical pain, but instead REVENGE!
Dumah: Ouch! (then Dumah pulled himself away in lots of pain, went behind Turel and
yanked out the sword)
Turel (as human Kain): I didn't care if I went to heaven of hell-I wanted to knock the
crap outta the people who killed me. (Turel gas given the sword and the camera
zoomed into his face, then Turel left and Kain came up)
Kain: The Neomancer, Necromer, um, the dead dude offered me a chance for revenge.
And like a complete dumbass, I leapt at his proposal without considering the cost.
Dumah (as Mortanius): (in severe pain) Revenge (hack) costs about (cough) $300.
Kain: So then I beat the crap outta him for charging me for revenge. (Kain kicks
Dumah) Nothing is free. Except Ariel. Not even revenge.
Dumah (as Mortanius): (still in severe pain) You shall (cough hack) have the blood you
(cough) hunger for (wheeze).
The scene is Kain's Mausoleum, which is really his throne room with a bed
Kain: I awoke to the pain of a cliché coffin. (Kain looked at his Iron Sword, which was
really just a pipe he found in the dump) Forged by the Sirloin Steak lovers, the
legendary chefs of Nosgoth, this blade will be my can of wup ass. (then he looks at his
Iron Armor, which is just his body painted red & black since Kain never wore a shirt. He
thought is was sexier without a shirt on) As it was born in hellfire, forged by the
Nerotic, um, the dead dude's magic, my armor is immune to fire and gives me defense.
(Kain noticed that he had magic) This is the sanctuary spell, a piece of crap spell that
nobody uses. (then he noticed an item-The Heart of Darkness) Ah, the heart ripped
from the ancient sissy-boy Jano Audrey. I will find more Hearts of Darknesses
throughout my journey, leaving me to wonder, how many freakin' hearts does that guy
have!?
Kain got up, killed a few people, pressed random buttons then left his sanctuary,
changing the scene to a graveyard
Kain: I think I needed glasses, cause the world looked different. The sun burned
because of my crappy sun lotion. This was not turning out to be a good day. (a tiny
raindrop fell on the tip of Kain's finger) IT BURNS! AHHH! (more rain came and he just
stood there yelling) AHHH! IT BURNS!
(So Kain was exiting the graveyard and found a flay)
Kain: To be blunt, these curious little devils kill people when I throw them at people. I
wonder if it'd hurt if I threw one at me? (Kain throws a flay at himself) CRAP! That hurt,
guess I won't do that again. I'm hungry and weak and I don't care, I'll find my
murderers and they can kiss my ass if they try to kill me. (so Kain found his murderers
who saw him also)
Some Dude: Oh crap.
Dumah (as an assassin): (still in deep pain) We killed you, you assbag.
Some Dude: We'll kill you again!
(Kain kills them)
Kain: Haha, you're dead. Don't have to do this stuff anymore.
Dumah (as Mortanius): (still in pain) Tis not over yet, you idiot. They were the banjos
of your murder. Go to the Pillars to find out more.
So Kain walked to the nearest town, stopping halfway cause he was tired of walking,
and pushed a 3-year old down and stole his tricycle. The scene changed to a village at
night
Random person 1: (sees Random Person 2 and Random Person 3) Look at me!
Kain: Die! (Kain kills Random Person 1)
Random Person 2: (sees Random Person 1 die) I sure hope that vampire doesn't try to
kill me.
Random Person 3: Yup.
(Kain kills Random Person 2)
Random Person 2: Whoa, I was wrong. Hehehe
Random Person 3: Hahaha. Maybe I should run, or I could be really stupid and watch
this scary vampire come over to me so I can die. (Kain kills him) Well, I just made a
stupid mistake.
(Kain finds a wooden bridge and steps on a red triangle that was really a voice
recorder)
Voice Recorder (with Kain's voice on it): The Necromancer had offered me no warning
as to what my resurrection would entail, and yet I must confess, in my haste, I had not
sought one. Was his gift a curse? I would seek the Pillars for an answer.
Kain: Now how the hell did they get my voice on that thing?
(Kain walks on, then can see the pillars in the distance)
Kain: The Pillars of Nosgoth. A lot of stone going high up in the sky. The thing a hippie
would think of as beautiful. Stupid hippies. (Kain finds a magic circle on the ground and
gets teleported to the Pillars.
Kain: Well, that was the longest part filmed. Not many bloopers, since most of the
bloopers couldn't be edited out due to lack of money. The budget is now $4 because a
dollar of the budget went to getting me a hotdog, the most expensive thing this movie
has spent.
(Turel came up still in immeasurable pain)
Turel: I need to be sedated. (brightens up) Hey, I can sing that!
Kain: If you do, I'll cremate you with this soul reaver!
Turel: Sorry, dada.
Wow, I would've thought it would've taken a lot longer to update! Well, keep sending in
good reviews and thanks for the reviews so far! Next, Kain meets Ariel!
show on the road!
At Kain's throne room before filming
Raziel: Is Mobius the ONLY role I play?
Kain: Yes.
Raziel: Why?
Kain: Because you annoy the hell outta me, and now I don't have to deal with you
nearly as much.
Raziel: Then can I play that barkeeper at the beginning?
Kain: You mean the bastard to throw me out so I could get killed?
(then Dumah heard the part about Kain getting killed)
Dumah: Oh! Can I be the assassin?
Kain: Why?
Dumah: Cause I love to kill stuff.
Kain: That's my son! (to Raziel) Why can't you be more like him?
Dumah: Nanananana! Daddy picked me!
Raziel: But he's an asshole!
Kain: Exactly. (to Dumah) Would you mind if Raziel was the barkeeper?
Dumah: I suppose so. The barkeeper needs a BAD actor anyway. I love you dad.
Kain: I almost don't despise you Dumah.
Raziel: But, what about our friendship?
Kain: Aw, shut up ingrate. Time to film!
Raziel: Wait! You spelled Moebius and Sarafan wrong.
Kain: And you wonder why I hate you?
At a tavern, filming has started
Raziel (as barkeeper): The tavern's closed; go the hell away.
Turel (as human Kain): (singing his lines) Whaaa-aaat? Noooo beer or alcohol or ale for
aaa-aaa traveler from the mystical land of Coooo-oooorhagen? I aaaaaam a noble who
can reward you weeeeell!
Raziel: (whispering) What's up with you singing your lines?
Turel: (whispering) Just play along. I really wanna sing.
Raziel (as barkeeper): I won't stay open for you, scum! Thing's come at night that can
scare the piss out of a person.
(Turel, as 'human Kain' walks outside)
Turel (as human Kain): And so I left. Cold and wanting to kill that vile bastard. Forced
to the road, where I would have to walk 15 miles in ankle deep snow, unlike those
youngsters these days who have those fancy cars.
Some Dude: That's him!
Dumah (as an assassin): Yippy ki yay, mother fu'er!
Turel (as Kain): (sees the 2 evil people) Oh doody.
The scene is now the ledge over the abyss, but with red shading
(Turel, as 'human Kain' is tied to 2 poles)
Turel (as human Kain): Fae Fictus-
Kain: (Kain was directing this movie and heard that obviously blasphemous remark)
IT'S VAE VICTUS, YOU STUPID ASS!!! (to Rahab) Can we edit what I just said out?
Rahab: Nope. Not enough money.
Back to the filming
Turel (as human Kain): I lost to the village idiots. Now I was suffering. (Dumah, as
'Mortanius', walked up to Turel, but because Dumah still couldn't see through his cheap
costume, he passed Turel and almost fell into the abyss. He turned back and ran
straight into Turel front and got impaled through the sword sticking through Turel) Not
anything pleasurable as sexy physical pain, but instead REVENGE!
Dumah: Ouch! (then Dumah pulled himself away in lots of pain, went behind Turel and
yanked out the sword)
Turel (as human Kain): I didn't care if I went to heaven of hell-I wanted to knock the
crap outta the people who killed me. (Turel gas given the sword and the camera
zoomed into his face, then Turel left and Kain came up)
Kain: The Neomancer, Necromer, um, the dead dude offered me a chance for revenge.
And like a complete dumbass, I leapt at his proposal without considering the cost.
Dumah (as Mortanius): (in severe pain) Revenge (hack) costs about (cough) $300.
Kain: So then I beat the crap outta him for charging me for revenge. (Kain kicks
Dumah) Nothing is free. Except Ariel. Not even revenge.
Dumah (as Mortanius): (still in severe pain) You shall (cough hack) have the blood you
(cough) hunger for (wheeze).
The scene is Kain's Mausoleum, which is really his throne room with a bed
Kain: I awoke to the pain of a cliché coffin. (Kain looked at his Iron Sword, which was
really just a pipe he found in the dump) Forged by the Sirloin Steak lovers, the
legendary chefs of Nosgoth, this blade will be my can of wup ass. (then he looks at his
Iron Armor, which is just his body painted red & black since Kain never wore a shirt. He
thought is was sexier without a shirt on) As it was born in hellfire, forged by the
Nerotic, um, the dead dude's magic, my armor is immune to fire and gives me defense.
(Kain noticed that he had magic) This is the sanctuary spell, a piece of crap spell that
nobody uses. (then he noticed an item-The Heart of Darkness) Ah, the heart ripped
from the ancient sissy-boy Jano Audrey. I will find more Hearts of Darknesses
throughout my journey, leaving me to wonder, how many freakin' hearts does that guy
have!?
Kain got up, killed a few people, pressed random buttons then left his sanctuary,
changing the scene to a graveyard
Kain: I think I needed glasses, cause the world looked different. The sun burned
because of my crappy sun lotion. This was not turning out to be a good day. (a tiny
raindrop fell on the tip of Kain's finger) IT BURNS! AHHH! (more rain came and he just
stood there yelling) AHHH! IT BURNS!
(So Kain was exiting the graveyard and found a flay)
Kain: To be blunt, these curious little devils kill people when I throw them at people. I
wonder if it'd hurt if I threw one at me? (Kain throws a flay at himself) CRAP! That hurt,
guess I won't do that again. I'm hungry and weak and I don't care, I'll find my
murderers and they can kiss my ass if they try to kill me. (so Kain found his murderers
who saw him also)
Some Dude: Oh crap.
Dumah (as an assassin): (still in deep pain) We killed you, you assbag.
Some Dude: We'll kill you again!
(Kain kills them)
Kain: Haha, you're dead. Don't have to do this stuff anymore.
Dumah (as Mortanius): (still in pain) Tis not over yet, you idiot. They were the banjos
of your murder. Go to the Pillars to find out more.
So Kain walked to the nearest town, stopping halfway cause he was tired of walking,
and pushed a 3-year old down and stole his tricycle. The scene changed to a village at
night
Random person 1: (sees Random Person 2 and Random Person 3) Look at me!
Kain: Die! (Kain kills Random Person 1)
Random Person 2: (sees Random Person 1 die) I sure hope that vampire doesn't try to
kill me.
Random Person 3: Yup.
(Kain kills Random Person 2)
Random Person 2: Whoa, I was wrong. Hehehe
Random Person 3: Hahaha. Maybe I should run, or I could be really stupid and watch
this scary vampire come over to me so I can die. (Kain kills him) Well, I just made a
stupid mistake.
(Kain finds a wooden bridge and steps on a red triangle that was really a voice
recorder)
Voice Recorder (with Kain's voice on it): The Necromancer had offered me no warning
as to what my resurrection would entail, and yet I must confess, in my haste, I had not
sought one. Was his gift a curse? I would seek the Pillars for an answer.
Kain: Now how the hell did they get my voice on that thing?
(Kain walks on, then can see the pillars in the distance)
Kain: The Pillars of Nosgoth. A lot of stone going high up in the sky. The thing a hippie
would think of as beautiful. Stupid hippies. (Kain finds a magic circle on the ground and
gets teleported to the Pillars.
Kain: Well, that was the longest part filmed. Not many bloopers, since most of the
bloopers couldn't be edited out due to lack of money. The budget is now $4 because a
dollar of the budget went to getting me a hotdog, the most expensive thing this movie
has spent.
(Turel came up still in immeasurable pain)
Turel: I need to be sedated. (brightens up) Hey, I can sing that!
Kain: If you do, I'll cremate you with this soul reaver!
Turel: Sorry, dada.
Wow, I would've thought it would've taken a lot longer to update! Well, keep sending in
good reviews and thanks for the reviews so far! Next, Kain meets Ariel!