Disclaimer: Don't own LoK or any characters
_________________________________________________________________
Raziel is currently at the Seer's home
Raziel: Hey, why do you have a soul reaver here?
Seer: Don't mind it. Now, let's get down to business. Why are you here?
Raziel: My dad's made me insane. I need help.
Seer: What's wrong?
Raziel: HE DOESN'T LOVE ME ANYMORE!!! He loves that asshole Dumah more.
Seer: I'm sure it's just a momentary phase. I'm sure he loves everyone equally.
Raziel: Do you know who my dad is?
Seer: No, but I'm sure he's a reasonable guy.
Raziel: My dad is Lord Kain.
Seer: OH MY GOD! THAT MAN'S A FREAK! I HOPE HE DIES! Son of a bitch made my
house burn down to the ground!
Raziel: What kind of help do you think I'll need.
Seer: You'll be just fine. BUT THAT FREAK GOT MY ROCKING CHAIR OUTSIDE GET
DESTROYED! THAT SON OF A BITCH! Don't worry Raziel, he's the one that needs help!
At the Pillars, Kain is preparing a new scene and shouting at Zephon
Kain: YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT!
Zephon: Hey! I'm not an idiot!
Kain: Yes you are!
Zephon: Well, at least I'm not sterile!
Kain: WHAT DID YOU SAY!!?
Zephon: Oops! Oh crap.
(Then Raziel and the Seer walk in)
Kain: Damn it, Raziel is back. (sees the Seer) Oh, holy hell.
Seer: (sees Kain) It's you. How dare you abuse this poor boy.
Raziel: I'm a MAN!
Seer: Yes, I'm sure you are. (to Kain) As for you, Kain! How could you!?
Kain: He evolved before me! He was gonna overthrow me and kill me!
Seer: This sweet thing would never do that!
Raziel: I'm not a thing, I'm a MAN!
Dumah: Yes he would. Hell, I'd try.
Kain: See?
Seer: Raziel! Kain, you have a right to be mean to him!
Raziel: No!
Dumah: What have I done!?
Raziel: Screwed us royally. But I have a plan. (to Zephon) Zephon, come here!
Zephon: What is it? (sees the Seer) Her boobs are perfectly proportioned to her body,
unlike Umah.
Raziel: Seer, I can prove my dad's abusive. Zephon, we have recorded all the time's my
dad's insulted you since we began filming.
Kain: Oh, I'm in trouble.
Raziel: Hit it! (Raziel plays the tape)
Tape: (Turel's voice) Now, every time my dad's called Zephon names! (Kain's voice) Dumbass! Idiot! Freakin' moron!
(6 hours later)
Tape: (Kain's voice) You're so stupid! YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT! (tape ends)
Kain: (to Zephon) You dumbass!
Seer: Let's just start filming. (to Kain) If you hurt any of these young people, you'll
hurt!
Raziel: I'm not a young person, I'm a MAN!
At the Pillars, filming has started
(Kain transformed into bat form, and flew to the Bat Beacon, which made this large
annoying sound, and Kain flew to it and saw it and flew closer and closer to it till he hit
it and ended up on the ground)
Kain: Owww! It could've warned me it'd just sit there!
(so Kain walked past the Indian camp, slaughtering enemies for the hell of it, then went
to the bridge leading to Vasserbünde, where a guard was waiting)
Guard 1: Die! (recognizes him as the gigolo, and so does Guard 2 when he walks up)
Guard 2: Hey! We tried to sex him up!
Guard 1: And he's a vampire!
Guard 2: EWWW!!! SICK AS HELL! THAT'S JUST SICK!
Guard 1: And he's dead, so it's ILLEGAL! EWWWEY!
Kain: ?
Guard 2: (to Kain) You sick bastard!
Guard 1: (to Kain) Yeah, I had dreams about you!!
Kain: !!! (then Kain slaughtered them both till he got to some rocks) You're in my way!
(but the rocks wouldn't move) Kain: You're in my WAY! (starts to feel sad) I came all
this way, just to fail!
Dumah (as Melchiah): Knock the rocks down with your mace, you idiot!
Kain: (immediately happy again) Oh YEAH! Forgot about that thing!
(Then Kain destroyed the rocks and continued with his journey. Kain went up and saw a
Knight with a sword and shield)
Kain: (in a kiddy voice) Oooh! Shiny things!
Knight: Die! (Knight lets the sun hit his shiny armor, and the light reflected, burning
Kain like an ant)
Kain: Owowowow! Stop that frickin' shinning! (then Kain Imploded him) Wow! That was
so cool!
(Kain went north some more, getting burned by Knights 2,3,4, and seventy- leven till he
found a cave with a blood fountain)
Rahab (as Blood Fountain): Drink, drink!
Kain: Thanks for the drink, Rehab!
Rahab: It's Rahab, you asshole!
Kain: Ok, Rehab! (then the Seer shot him with a powerful telekinetic blast from off-screen) Ow! Ok, ok!
Rahab (as Blood Fountain): Your magic refills quicker. Now get the hell out, you hurt
my feelings!
Kain: Ok (muttering, as he's leaving) stupid Rehab! (then the Seer hit him again)
(Well, when Kain leaves, somehow not blasted to death, he reaches Coorhagen)
Kain: Year's ago, word reached us that an evil Plague was coming, so everyone got
ready for a party to welcome Plague to Coorhagen. But the little bastard totally ruined
our party and killed a bunch of people. Plague was never invited to any of our parties
ever again.
(Kain walked further on, and eventually he got to a dead body killed by Plague)
Kain: Worms and maggots fed upon his festering skin, the scent of blood from the
wounds they feasted upon..I can't help it! Blood! Snack time! (he tried to suck blood
but couldn't) HEY! THAT'S FAKE BLOOD! HE'S EMPTY! Son of a bitch..good blood
gone bad.
(Kain went forward more, getting sad and pissed off each time he found a body killed
by Plague until he reached a sign that said 'Coorhagen')
Kain: This must be my home. It's the only name I can pronounce. It did take me about
20 years to learn how to announce the name of this place though. (sees how the
Plague had affected Coorhagen) This city used to be the best in all of Nosgoth. Rich in
vanity of conceit. I had a feeling I wouldn't receive a warm welcome.
(Kain entered Coorhagen and was surprised to see that there were humans still alive)
Human 1: (sees Kain disguised as a gigolo in case Kain wouldn't receive a warm
welcome) Hey! We haven't had a gigolo in these parts for eons!
Human 2: Yeah! Do you have amazing stories to tell?
Kain: What kind of amazing stories would there be for me to tell you?
Human 1: Well, how much money did you get from that whore in Vasserbünde?
Kain: That's your idea of an exciting story!?
Human 2: Well, if she's cheap, I'm game!
Kain: Hey, guess what? (Kain kills Human 1 and 2) Hey, I don't do whores! I'll only do
Ariel! (then remembers that Ariel is Zephon) (mutters) Oh crap.
(Kain took a moment to look around the landscape and saw tons of dead people all
over the place)
Kain: (very happy) Ahahahaha! Disease and death stalked the land! Everyone's dead!
All the humans all over the place! I'm in heaven! (tries to suck blood out but they're all
empty) (in dispair) I'm in HELL!
(Kain wonders forward and starts to enter a house when he sees one of those green
annoying things from Nupraptor's Rehab)
Kain: Damn it! (Kain walks passed it, but it ignores him. Then Kain realizes he still has
on his gigolo outfit) Haha, sucker!
(Kain walks into the room, and goes to the right left door, which had a picture of a spell
on the floor. Kain went through the door at the north and entered a room that had
arrow dispensers and about 5 people. For some reason, the arrows went right through
them! So Kain, being the idiot he is, guesses that it'll be the same to him. He walked
out in front of an arrow and it was about this time that a little voice in his head
announced to him)
Kain: OW!!!
(So Kain figured out that the bad guys had to be magical, cause the arrows went
straight through them and to Kain's surprise, they hurted Kain. So Kain went on,
stopping only to get stabbed by throwing knives cause he wanted to see if his blood
had a minty-flavor. It didn't. Well, Kain went on, killing everybody and everything, with
the exception of something, then continued on. He eventually got to a room with some
floating witch things that shot almighty STUFF at him, so he flayed them, too scared
that his energy bolts would somehow bounce off the enemies and hit him. He
eventually found the almighty and awesome spell Repel! And he also found a Pentalich
of Tarot)
Kain: (about Repel spell) Using this spell puts me under this safe blue 'THINGY' and if a
spell is casted at me, it'll bounce away! It won't last long though! (muttering) So this is
why this spell bounced off that bouncy ball way back in Chapter 2. Clever bastard.
(then Kain looks at the Pentalich of Death) A waltz of death. Let fate choose my victim!
Hahaha! (then Kain cast it to see what it would do, but since there was no enemies
around, it just hit Kain, hurting him a lot!) WHY CAN'T ANYTHING JUST BE NICE TO
ME!?
(So Kain continued on his journey and got to a room with arrows dispensers
everywhere and floating witch things everywhere)
Kain: (devious smile) REPEL! (Kain casted the Repel spell on himself and it worked!
Everything bounced back at everything else without hurting him! He finally reached a
door that led him outside)
Kain: (looking around) Where am I? (Kain walked forward to another broken down
house and another green annoying thing appeared) I HATE YOU! (so he shot the
Energy Bolt at it and it killed the green annoying thing!) Wow! Something actually
worked!!! Awesome!
(Kain continued on till he got to what looked like a cathedral. Inside were two Robed
People holding books)
Robed Person 1: I will threaten you with this book!
Robed Person 2: (while chanting, fits himself in the face with his book. He kept doing
that over and over)
Kain: (sarcastically) Oh no, a book! I'm really scared!
Robed Person 1: You should be..cause with this book, I'll make you READ!
Kain: (terrified) Noooooo-ooooooOOOOOOOO!!! (Kain never passed 1st grade reading,
so he surely didn't want to read, so he flayed Robed Person 1. Robed Person 2 was
oblivious to anything that was happened, and accidentally knocked himself out by
hitting his face too hard) Uh..ok.
(Kain walked forward, through the various houses and tunnels, and at the bottom of
one tunnel, there was a teleporter)
Kain: I wonder if this is a teleporter? (so Kain finds out by stepping on it. He is
teleporter to a strange room with a picture of two swords at the bottom. He went
through the door to the west and found SOMETHING, which turned out to be the
Inspire Hate spell!) With this spell, my enemies hate each other and kill each other,
totally ignoring me! (evil grin) You know this is gonna be good!
(So Kain walks into a room that has a bunch of enemies and unleashes Inspire Hate!)
Bad Guy 1: (to Bad Guy 2) I hate you!
Bad Guy 2: (to Bad Guy 1) You're a meany!
Bad Girl 1: (to Bad Guy 1) You're a poopy head!
Bad Girl 2: (to Bad Girl 1) Huh! Don't get your thong in a twist!
Bad Guy 1: (to everyone) I hate all of you! (awkward silence)
Bad Girl 2: (to everyone) You're all meanies!
Kain: My lord! This spell is lame!
Bad Guy 2: (to Kain) You're rude!
Kain: Huh! You people are lame! (Kain kills them all) Human flesh; the other white
meat!
(Then Kain leaves this tunnel and walks out to find another building with another
tunnel. In this tunnel there are skeleton's and ice)
Kain: Hey! Now I can go ice-skating! (then Kain tries to go ice-skating before
remembering he doesn't know how)
Skeleton: (seeing Kain screw up) Haha, you suck! (Kain kills Skeleton) I'm dead!
(Kain wondered around, slipping in the ice and sliding head-first into sprikes and other
hazardous things till he gets on land and goes through a door and sees Bone Armor!)
Kain: (wearing the Bone Armor, which is really just the Mortanius suit because both the
Armor and Mortanius are skeleton) The more stupid undead think I'm undead as well
when I wear this! (refreshing sigh) I'm glad they're so stupid!
(Well, Kain continues in his Bone Armor, and he saw a skeleton. The skeleton said hi to
him and Kain, being the idiot he is, attacks the undead with the Iron Sword, then to
Kain's surprise, the skeleton tries to kill him. After Kain defeats the skeleton he finds a
door that leads outside)
Kain: (holding out his palm because it's snowing) IT BURNS!!! NOW I CAN'T MAKE
SNOW ANGELS! BEING A VAMPIRE SUCKS!!! (Kain walks over and activates a Bat
Beacon, then finds and steps on a red triangle, which was, of course, a voice recorder)
Voice Recorder (with Kain's voice): Malek's Bastion, perched defiantly on the mountain
top, black as night against the blanket of snow. What manner of man would choose a
land so harsh and utterly devoid of life?
Kain: Ok, I'm tired of trying to figure out how they got my voice on there, so I'm just
going to say screw it!
(Kain turns into a bat and flies into Malek's bastion)
Janos (as Malek): I know you are here, demon. You are welcome in my castle, just
don't stain my rug.
Kain: (muttering) Stupid hippy vampire. (then the Seer blasts him hard) OW!
Janos: (sincerely) Kain, are you ok? Do you need a Band-Aid?
Kain: (muttering) No! (then Kain looks around and sees sharp thing) Sharp things are
here.
Janos (as Malek): My warriors are shadows of my skill.
(Kain wonders around and finds a minion-generator and also encounters one of the
warriors)
Warrior: (holding a pillow) I will kill you!
Kain: Why the hell do you have a pillow?
Warrior: So that I don't hurt you badly. That would upset me.
Kain: CHRIST! If this is a shadow of Janos, I mean Malek, then Malek will be a wimp!
Warrior: I'll hurt you! (then Kain tears his pillow) That was my favorite pillow! (then
Warrior runs off to cry in a fetal position in a corner)
Kain: This minion-generator made souls come back to armor without any blood! Son of
a bitch, does that mean I don't get to feed here!? (Kain breaks the generator)
Janos (as Malek): Do you hope to best me Kain!? What have I done to you? (starts
crying cause Kain hurted his feelings) (Kain destroys another generator) Just because
you are dead doesn't mean you can't die!
Kain: (clearly confused) Uh..(destroys the last generator)
Janos (as Malek): You destroyed them all, you vile bastard! (then Kain destroys the
power source of the machines) Damn it!
Kain: Yes, now I can kill Malek! (Kain steps on a teleporter and is teleported outside of
a castle) I'm hungry! FOOD! (sees two guards, them rushes up to kill them only to
discover that they are frozen solid, then get an idea) Hey! I bet he'd shatter if I hit him
with my Iron Sword! (so Kain hit him and he shattered. Kain then looked at the other)
Would my tongue stick to it? (his tongue stuck to it) Uh-oh.
(Then Kain walked into the castle and found Janos, as 'Malek'. Well, Kain fought Janos
and Kain lost, especially since he had a large frozen guard stuck to his tongue, and
embarrassed that he lost to someone who was using a pole with a pillow attached to
the end instead of a blade. When Kian was about to lose, a teleporter appeared and he
teleported away. Then he found a set of axes)
Kain: (with a frozen guard still stuck to his tongue) I thall name theth Hathoc and
Halith! Malekth's dethtiny with my blade wath pothponed! Maybe Ariel could help!
(Kain flew to the Pillar's as Zephon, as 'Ariel' was adjusting his bra)
Zephon (as Ariel): (fake surprise) Ah! Don't come when I'm topless!
Kain: (to himself) Lord, help me..
Zephon (as Ariel): You're empty-handed. I can make it so that you aren't, so that you
have something in your hands, if you know what I mean.. (this was being said while
Zephon, as 'Ariel' was taking off his bra)
Kain: (scared) No, just tell me were to go!
Zephon (as Ariel): To the Oracle. Now come, let us make out!
Kain: OH MY GOD, NO!!! CUT!!!
(then filming stopped)
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Kain: I don't feel good. Especially after getting shot soooooooooo much!
Seer: I have concluded that you need therapy.
Kain: NOOOOOOOO!!! Is it cause you shot me a total of about 59,000 times during the
making of this!?
Seer: Maybe. (drags Kain off to get physiological help)
Raziel: Now I'm the director! Woo-hoo! Umah, you're fired! I'm Wiiliam the Just!
Zephon: (to Umah) Don't hit your monstrous huge boobs on your way out! Hey, if she
gets her boobs stuck in the doorway, cause I help her out?
Raziel: (happy that he's the director) Yes you may!
Zephon: (to Umah) Make sure to get your boobs stuck on the way out!
_______________________________________________________________________ That was a long, hard chapter! That and I was kinda lazy. Oh well, hope you liked this
chapter. Next chapter, Raziel isn't the director but special guest Faustus is!
_________________________________________________________________
Raziel is currently at the Seer's home
Raziel: Hey, why do you have a soul reaver here?
Seer: Don't mind it. Now, let's get down to business. Why are you here?
Raziel: My dad's made me insane. I need help.
Seer: What's wrong?
Raziel: HE DOESN'T LOVE ME ANYMORE!!! He loves that asshole Dumah more.
Seer: I'm sure it's just a momentary phase. I'm sure he loves everyone equally.
Raziel: Do you know who my dad is?
Seer: No, but I'm sure he's a reasonable guy.
Raziel: My dad is Lord Kain.
Seer: OH MY GOD! THAT MAN'S A FREAK! I HOPE HE DIES! Son of a bitch made my
house burn down to the ground!
Raziel: What kind of help do you think I'll need.
Seer: You'll be just fine. BUT THAT FREAK GOT MY ROCKING CHAIR OUTSIDE GET
DESTROYED! THAT SON OF A BITCH! Don't worry Raziel, he's the one that needs help!
At the Pillars, Kain is preparing a new scene and shouting at Zephon
Kain: YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT!
Zephon: Hey! I'm not an idiot!
Kain: Yes you are!
Zephon: Well, at least I'm not sterile!
Kain: WHAT DID YOU SAY!!?
Zephon: Oops! Oh crap.
(Then Raziel and the Seer walk in)
Kain: Damn it, Raziel is back. (sees the Seer) Oh, holy hell.
Seer: (sees Kain) It's you. How dare you abuse this poor boy.
Raziel: I'm a MAN!
Seer: Yes, I'm sure you are. (to Kain) As for you, Kain! How could you!?
Kain: He evolved before me! He was gonna overthrow me and kill me!
Seer: This sweet thing would never do that!
Raziel: I'm not a thing, I'm a MAN!
Dumah: Yes he would. Hell, I'd try.
Kain: See?
Seer: Raziel! Kain, you have a right to be mean to him!
Raziel: No!
Dumah: What have I done!?
Raziel: Screwed us royally. But I have a plan. (to Zephon) Zephon, come here!
Zephon: What is it? (sees the Seer) Her boobs are perfectly proportioned to her body,
unlike Umah.
Raziel: Seer, I can prove my dad's abusive. Zephon, we have recorded all the time's my
dad's insulted you since we began filming.
Kain: Oh, I'm in trouble.
Raziel: Hit it! (Raziel plays the tape)
Tape: (Turel's voice) Now, every time my dad's called Zephon names! (Kain's voice) Dumbass! Idiot! Freakin' moron!
(6 hours later)
Tape: (Kain's voice) You're so stupid! YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT! (tape ends)
Kain: (to Zephon) You dumbass!
Seer: Let's just start filming. (to Kain) If you hurt any of these young people, you'll
hurt!
Raziel: I'm not a young person, I'm a MAN!
At the Pillars, filming has started
(Kain transformed into bat form, and flew to the Bat Beacon, which made this large
annoying sound, and Kain flew to it and saw it and flew closer and closer to it till he hit
it and ended up on the ground)
Kain: Owww! It could've warned me it'd just sit there!
(so Kain walked past the Indian camp, slaughtering enemies for the hell of it, then went
to the bridge leading to Vasserbünde, where a guard was waiting)
Guard 1: Die! (recognizes him as the gigolo, and so does Guard 2 when he walks up)
Guard 2: Hey! We tried to sex him up!
Guard 1: And he's a vampire!
Guard 2: EWWW!!! SICK AS HELL! THAT'S JUST SICK!
Guard 1: And he's dead, so it's ILLEGAL! EWWWEY!
Kain: ?
Guard 2: (to Kain) You sick bastard!
Guard 1: (to Kain) Yeah, I had dreams about you!!
Kain: !!! (then Kain slaughtered them both till he got to some rocks) You're in my way!
(but the rocks wouldn't move) Kain: You're in my WAY! (starts to feel sad) I came all
this way, just to fail!
Dumah (as Melchiah): Knock the rocks down with your mace, you idiot!
Kain: (immediately happy again) Oh YEAH! Forgot about that thing!
(Then Kain destroyed the rocks and continued with his journey. Kain went up and saw a
Knight with a sword and shield)
Kain: (in a kiddy voice) Oooh! Shiny things!
Knight: Die! (Knight lets the sun hit his shiny armor, and the light reflected, burning
Kain like an ant)
Kain: Owowowow! Stop that frickin' shinning! (then Kain Imploded him) Wow! That was
so cool!
(Kain went north some more, getting burned by Knights 2,3,4, and seventy- leven till he
found a cave with a blood fountain)
Rahab (as Blood Fountain): Drink, drink!
Kain: Thanks for the drink, Rehab!
Rahab: It's Rahab, you asshole!
Kain: Ok, Rehab! (then the Seer shot him with a powerful telekinetic blast from off-screen) Ow! Ok, ok!
Rahab (as Blood Fountain): Your magic refills quicker. Now get the hell out, you hurt
my feelings!
Kain: Ok (muttering, as he's leaving) stupid Rehab! (then the Seer hit him again)
(Well, when Kain leaves, somehow not blasted to death, he reaches Coorhagen)
Kain: Year's ago, word reached us that an evil Plague was coming, so everyone got
ready for a party to welcome Plague to Coorhagen. But the little bastard totally ruined
our party and killed a bunch of people. Plague was never invited to any of our parties
ever again.
(Kain walked further on, and eventually he got to a dead body killed by Plague)
Kain: Worms and maggots fed upon his festering skin, the scent of blood from the
wounds they feasted upon..I can't help it! Blood! Snack time! (he tried to suck blood
but couldn't) HEY! THAT'S FAKE BLOOD! HE'S EMPTY! Son of a bitch..good blood
gone bad.
(Kain went forward more, getting sad and pissed off each time he found a body killed
by Plague until he reached a sign that said 'Coorhagen')
Kain: This must be my home. It's the only name I can pronounce. It did take me about
20 years to learn how to announce the name of this place though. (sees how the
Plague had affected Coorhagen) This city used to be the best in all of Nosgoth. Rich in
vanity of conceit. I had a feeling I wouldn't receive a warm welcome.
(Kain entered Coorhagen and was surprised to see that there were humans still alive)
Human 1: (sees Kain disguised as a gigolo in case Kain wouldn't receive a warm
welcome) Hey! We haven't had a gigolo in these parts for eons!
Human 2: Yeah! Do you have amazing stories to tell?
Kain: What kind of amazing stories would there be for me to tell you?
Human 1: Well, how much money did you get from that whore in Vasserbünde?
Kain: That's your idea of an exciting story!?
Human 2: Well, if she's cheap, I'm game!
Kain: Hey, guess what? (Kain kills Human 1 and 2) Hey, I don't do whores! I'll only do
Ariel! (then remembers that Ariel is Zephon) (mutters) Oh crap.
(Kain took a moment to look around the landscape and saw tons of dead people all
over the place)
Kain: (very happy) Ahahahaha! Disease and death stalked the land! Everyone's dead!
All the humans all over the place! I'm in heaven! (tries to suck blood out but they're all
empty) (in dispair) I'm in HELL!
(Kain wonders forward and starts to enter a house when he sees one of those green
annoying things from Nupraptor's Rehab)
Kain: Damn it! (Kain walks passed it, but it ignores him. Then Kain realizes he still has
on his gigolo outfit) Haha, sucker!
(Kain walks into the room, and goes to the right left door, which had a picture of a spell
on the floor. Kain went through the door at the north and entered a room that had
arrow dispensers and about 5 people. For some reason, the arrows went right through
them! So Kain, being the idiot he is, guesses that it'll be the same to him. He walked
out in front of an arrow and it was about this time that a little voice in his head
announced to him)
Kain: OW!!!
(So Kain figured out that the bad guys had to be magical, cause the arrows went
straight through them and to Kain's surprise, they hurted Kain. So Kain went on,
stopping only to get stabbed by throwing knives cause he wanted to see if his blood
had a minty-flavor. It didn't. Well, Kain went on, killing everybody and everything, with
the exception of something, then continued on. He eventually got to a room with some
floating witch things that shot almighty STUFF at him, so he flayed them, too scared
that his energy bolts would somehow bounce off the enemies and hit him. He
eventually found the almighty and awesome spell Repel! And he also found a Pentalich
of Tarot)
Kain: (about Repel spell) Using this spell puts me under this safe blue 'THINGY' and if a
spell is casted at me, it'll bounce away! It won't last long though! (muttering) So this is
why this spell bounced off that bouncy ball way back in Chapter 2. Clever bastard.
(then Kain looks at the Pentalich of Death) A waltz of death. Let fate choose my victim!
Hahaha! (then Kain cast it to see what it would do, but since there was no enemies
around, it just hit Kain, hurting him a lot!) WHY CAN'T ANYTHING JUST BE NICE TO
ME!?
(So Kain continued on his journey and got to a room with arrows dispensers
everywhere and floating witch things everywhere)
Kain: (devious smile) REPEL! (Kain casted the Repel spell on himself and it worked!
Everything bounced back at everything else without hurting him! He finally reached a
door that led him outside)
Kain: (looking around) Where am I? (Kain walked forward to another broken down
house and another green annoying thing appeared) I HATE YOU! (so he shot the
Energy Bolt at it and it killed the green annoying thing!) Wow! Something actually
worked!!! Awesome!
(Kain continued on till he got to what looked like a cathedral. Inside were two Robed
People holding books)
Robed Person 1: I will threaten you with this book!
Robed Person 2: (while chanting, fits himself in the face with his book. He kept doing
that over and over)
Kain: (sarcastically) Oh no, a book! I'm really scared!
Robed Person 1: You should be..cause with this book, I'll make you READ!
Kain: (terrified) Noooooo-ooooooOOOOOOOO!!! (Kain never passed 1st grade reading,
so he surely didn't want to read, so he flayed Robed Person 1. Robed Person 2 was
oblivious to anything that was happened, and accidentally knocked himself out by
hitting his face too hard) Uh..ok.
(Kain walked forward, through the various houses and tunnels, and at the bottom of
one tunnel, there was a teleporter)
Kain: I wonder if this is a teleporter? (so Kain finds out by stepping on it. He is
teleporter to a strange room with a picture of two swords at the bottom. He went
through the door to the west and found SOMETHING, which turned out to be the
Inspire Hate spell!) With this spell, my enemies hate each other and kill each other,
totally ignoring me! (evil grin) You know this is gonna be good!
(So Kain walks into a room that has a bunch of enemies and unleashes Inspire Hate!)
Bad Guy 1: (to Bad Guy 2) I hate you!
Bad Guy 2: (to Bad Guy 1) You're a meany!
Bad Girl 1: (to Bad Guy 1) You're a poopy head!
Bad Girl 2: (to Bad Girl 1) Huh! Don't get your thong in a twist!
Bad Guy 1: (to everyone) I hate all of you! (awkward silence)
Bad Girl 2: (to everyone) You're all meanies!
Kain: My lord! This spell is lame!
Bad Guy 2: (to Kain) You're rude!
Kain: Huh! You people are lame! (Kain kills them all) Human flesh; the other white
meat!
(Then Kain leaves this tunnel and walks out to find another building with another
tunnel. In this tunnel there are skeleton's and ice)
Kain: Hey! Now I can go ice-skating! (then Kain tries to go ice-skating before
remembering he doesn't know how)
Skeleton: (seeing Kain screw up) Haha, you suck! (Kain kills Skeleton) I'm dead!
(Kain wondered around, slipping in the ice and sliding head-first into sprikes and other
hazardous things till he gets on land and goes through a door and sees Bone Armor!)
Kain: (wearing the Bone Armor, which is really just the Mortanius suit because both the
Armor and Mortanius are skeleton) The more stupid undead think I'm undead as well
when I wear this! (refreshing sigh) I'm glad they're so stupid!
(Well, Kain continues in his Bone Armor, and he saw a skeleton. The skeleton said hi to
him and Kain, being the idiot he is, attacks the undead with the Iron Sword, then to
Kain's surprise, the skeleton tries to kill him. After Kain defeats the skeleton he finds a
door that leads outside)
Kain: (holding out his palm because it's snowing) IT BURNS!!! NOW I CAN'T MAKE
SNOW ANGELS! BEING A VAMPIRE SUCKS!!! (Kain walks over and activates a Bat
Beacon, then finds and steps on a red triangle, which was, of course, a voice recorder)
Voice Recorder (with Kain's voice): Malek's Bastion, perched defiantly on the mountain
top, black as night against the blanket of snow. What manner of man would choose a
land so harsh and utterly devoid of life?
Kain: Ok, I'm tired of trying to figure out how they got my voice on there, so I'm just
going to say screw it!
(Kain turns into a bat and flies into Malek's bastion)
Janos (as Malek): I know you are here, demon. You are welcome in my castle, just
don't stain my rug.
Kain: (muttering) Stupid hippy vampire. (then the Seer blasts him hard) OW!
Janos: (sincerely) Kain, are you ok? Do you need a Band-Aid?
Kain: (muttering) No! (then Kain looks around and sees sharp thing) Sharp things are
here.
Janos (as Malek): My warriors are shadows of my skill.
(Kain wonders around and finds a minion-generator and also encounters one of the
warriors)
Warrior: (holding a pillow) I will kill you!
Kain: Why the hell do you have a pillow?
Warrior: So that I don't hurt you badly. That would upset me.
Kain: CHRIST! If this is a shadow of Janos, I mean Malek, then Malek will be a wimp!
Warrior: I'll hurt you! (then Kain tears his pillow) That was my favorite pillow! (then
Warrior runs off to cry in a fetal position in a corner)
Kain: This minion-generator made souls come back to armor without any blood! Son of
a bitch, does that mean I don't get to feed here!? (Kain breaks the generator)
Janos (as Malek): Do you hope to best me Kain!? What have I done to you? (starts
crying cause Kain hurted his feelings) (Kain destroys another generator) Just because
you are dead doesn't mean you can't die!
Kain: (clearly confused) Uh..(destroys the last generator)
Janos (as Malek): You destroyed them all, you vile bastard! (then Kain destroys the
power source of the machines) Damn it!
Kain: Yes, now I can kill Malek! (Kain steps on a teleporter and is teleported outside of
a castle) I'm hungry! FOOD! (sees two guards, them rushes up to kill them only to
discover that they are frozen solid, then get an idea) Hey! I bet he'd shatter if I hit him
with my Iron Sword! (so Kain hit him and he shattered. Kain then looked at the other)
Would my tongue stick to it? (his tongue stuck to it) Uh-oh.
(Then Kain walked into the castle and found Janos, as 'Malek'. Well, Kain fought Janos
and Kain lost, especially since he had a large frozen guard stuck to his tongue, and
embarrassed that he lost to someone who was using a pole with a pillow attached to
the end instead of a blade. When Kian was about to lose, a teleporter appeared and he
teleported away. Then he found a set of axes)
Kain: (with a frozen guard still stuck to his tongue) I thall name theth Hathoc and
Halith! Malekth's dethtiny with my blade wath pothponed! Maybe Ariel could help!
(Kain flew to the Pillar's as Zephon, as 'Ariel' was adjusting his bra)
Zephon (as Ariel): (fake surprise) Ah! Don't come when I'm topless!
Kain: (to himself) Lord, help me..
Zephon (as Ariel): You're empty-handed. I can make it so that you aren't, so that you
have something in your hands, if you know what I mean.. (this was being said while
Zephon, as 'Ariel' was taking off his bra)
Kain: (scared) No, just tell me were to go!
Zephon (as Ariel): To the Oracle. Now come, let us make out!
Kain: OH MY GOD, NO!!! CUT!!!
(then filming stopped)
___________________________________________________
Kain: I don't feel good. Especially after getting shot soooooooooo much!
Seer: I have concluded that you need therapy.
Kain: NOOOOOOOO!!! Is it cause you shot me a total of about 59,000 times during the
making of this!?
Seer: Maybe. (drags Kain off to get physiological help)
Raziel: Now I'm the director! Woo-hoo! Umah, you're fired! I'm Wiiliam the Just!
Zephon: (to Umah) Don't hit your monstrous huge boobs on your way out! Hey, if she
gets her boobs stuck in the doorway, cause I help her out?
Raziel: (happy that he's the director) Yes you may!
Zephon: (to Umah) Make sure to get your boobs stuck on the way out!
_______________________________________________________________________ That was a long, hard chapter! That and I was kinda lazy. Oh well, hope you liked this
chapter. Next chapter, Raziel isn't the director but special guest Faustus is!