Disclaimer: I don't own LoK or any of that other stuff, so don't ask!
_________________________________________________________
The scene is the Pillars before shooting. Everyone is getting ready for the shooting
except Rabah and Zephon
Kain: Where's Rahab?
Raziel: He isn't gonna speak to you!
Kain: Why not? All I did was show him one of Vorador's magazines!
Raziel: Up until then..he was pure.
Kain: Oh crap. WAIT A MINUTE! He slaughters people, drinks their blood! He' still
considered pure!?
Raziel: Yeah, but you made him un-pure. That's why he scarred.
Kain: Aw, damn it! Then what explains Zephon?
(then Zephon comes hoping up to them in a bag with just his head sticking out)
Zephon: This is my bag! It's neat-o! I have so much stuff stored in here just in case!
Kain: Why the hell are you even in a bag?
Zephon: Well, it's either that or I run around naked.
Kain: Why? (then remembers what happened last chapter) Oh yeah! Hahahahaha!
Zephon: Hey, at least I thought of something! You probably would've just walked
around naked!
Kain: Well, that's because I'm sexy! Who in their right minds would want to see you
naked!? You total idiot!
Zephon: That's it! I'm tired of you calling me an idiot!
Kain: Then don't be so damn stupid!
Zephon: If I'm so stupid then why do I have a PhD in Anatomy and a PhD in the study
of the human mind and a PhD in Arithmetic!?
Raziel and Kain: ...! What the hell!?
Zephon: And in Nosgoth's version of Stanford, I always got straight A's, never failed
anything, and never got anything lower than a B.
Raziel: Oh holy sh**! They have a Stanford for everything!
Kain: If you're so damn smart, WHY ARE YOU SO DAMN STUPID!?
Zephon: What makes you think I'm stupid! (looks down on the ground) Oh, a penny!
(he bends down to pick it up, but since his head's the only thing out of the bag, he falls
face first then wiggles back up. Then Rahab wonders in)
Kain: Hey Rehab, get our I.Q. results.
Rahab: ...AHHHH!!! (Rahab runs off)
Raziel: (to Kain) See what you've done!? (Raziel gets the I.Q. results) Oh my good lord.
Kain: (snatches the sheet) Oh, damn it! How the hell is Zephon's I.Q. 4,000!!!
Zephon: It's easy with someone smart and sexy like me!
Kain: (still astonished) Ok, let's just talk about this part of the film. Bane's not in it.
Raziel: Good. We need to get him cured by then. Should I get the Seer?
Kain: Oh hell no! I specifically picked Rehab for this part because Bane likes water and
Rehab can stand water!
Zephon: Rahab has been teaching me to stand water!
Kain: Is that so?
Zephon: Yeah. (Kain pushes Zephon's head into the bag, then dumps a bucket of water
into the bag) IT BURNS!!!
Kain: Unfortunately, Vorador will be in this one.
Raziel: Is that good or bad?
(Vorador walks up)
Vorador: Make sure this doesn't take too long. I've still gotta go to my day job.
Kain: You have a day job? What is it?
Vorador: I'm a gynecologist.
Raziel: You are so sick.
Zephon: (curled up inside the bag) IT STILL BURNS!!!
Kain: Let's just start filming...
The scene is a cave, and Kain just finished talking to Raziel, as 'Moebius'
(Kain is wondering around the numerous caves trying to find somewhere new and runs
into a new spell)
Kain: Ah, the spell Incapacitate. With this I can stop people in there tracks and toy with
them, making their fear rise to make their blood sweeter! Ahahahaha! I love being me!
(Well, after Kain tried the spell out on himself to make sure it worked, it did. About an
hour later, when he became uncapacitated, he walked around some more caves, got
lost, walked around some more, got lost again, and finally decided he would walk off
the cliff that lead to the ground below)
Kain: I have decided I will walk off the cliff that leads to the ground below.
(So he did. After the medic healed up Kain's bruised arm, all the while Kain was crying
like a little wussy, Kain eventually got up and continued on his quest. He got to a place
where rocks shot arrows in all directions)
Kain: Ow! I must make it to that building! (Kain walked forward and got shot) Ow!
(Kain walked to the left and got shot) Ow! (Kain walked forward again and got shot)
Ow! (then Kain started to get annoyed) Ok, there's got to be some way to get through
this. I just need to figure this out and concentrate on the answer without getting
disturbed. (while Kain was thinking he got shot) Oh, damn it! (then Kain simply walked
to the building and a tree was blocking his way) Stupid tree!
(Kain now tried to cut down the tree with his crappy axes, the left one having to be
tapped into two, and the right one had been in water, making it disintegrate in his
hand. Well, it was about this time that Kain had gotten really pissed off and decided
that they would need a budget higher than $3, so Kain just threw the crappy axes away
and kicked the tree, which then fell down)
Kain: Wow, I'm strong! (then an arrow hits him from behind) Ow! (starts crying like a
wussy. Kain goes into the room and finds a Mist card-thingy) Hey, a Mist card-thingy!
(Kain went to pick it up) Wow! Now I can, like, go through doors! And things go
through me! Mist!!! Me invulnerable! Woo-hoo!
(after Kain made another total idiot of himself, he got to a place with sand on the
bottom. Kain walked on the sand without Mist form on)
Kain: Ow, this hurts! Burning my feet! Hot sand! (then Kain thinks to turn on Mist form)
Hahahahaha! Wow! I like, can't feel the burning beneath my feet! I like, go through!
Wow! Neat-o! (Kain then got to a locked door and went through it) Awesome! That felt
so good. I wanna do it again! (sees another locked door) Yay!
(well, Kain would go to a locked door and go through it over and over again until he
lost all of his magic and had to revert back to normal, ruining his fun. Kain continued in
this dungeon until he got outside and saw a pool of water in his way)
Kain: Hey, get outta my way! (it just sat there) How come nothing obeys me? (then
Kain put on Mist form and crossed until he got to a red triangle with Kain's voice on it)
Might as well see what it says.
Voice Recorder (with Kain's voice on it): The black forest reigned here, its kingdom
rarely invaded by those that live in the light. But it was called home by this mysterious
Vorador. Legend told of a time when Vorador defeated Malek of the Sarafan.
If such a man did exist, then he could perhaps be the key to defeating the Ward.
Kain: I'm glad this thing knows what's going on, cause I sure don't. Hey, a swamp and
a cave! (Kain was finally smart enough to activate Mist form over dangerous terrain and
got the a cave. Inside was a door. He went through and was in a room with strange
symbols in every corner and weirdo's who were uber-elastic. Kain killed everything as
usual and then stepped on all corner symbols hoping something would happen. It
didn't. He tried all the symbols in every order, but still nothing happened. He had been
at it for an hour and got annoyed and pissed off and leaned against the wall. There,
right beside him, was a switch) Oh crap! It was here this whole time!? (then Kain
pressed the switch, opening the path to the Flame Sword) That was a waste of time.
I'm getting hungry! (Kain walked over and grabbed the Flame Sword) This sword burns
the living hell outta things! (muttering) Much like that stupid hot sand.
(Kain left, still feeling really hungry, then saw a human to kill)
Kain: Die! (Kain killed the human in one swipe with the Flame Sword) We- well, what
the hell? No blood! Damn sword, I hate you! (then Kain flung the sword and it hit some
huge terrifying monster and killed the monster in one hit. Kain ran over and got the
sword and hugged it) I didn't mean it, I love you!
(So Kain wondered around the ruined buildings and got to a room with people high up
and Kain couldn't reach)
Kain: Now what do I do? (then Kain found Control Mind) With this spell, I can control
the minds of weak and feeble beings! (muttering to himself) Hey, I bet this could work
on Zephon. (then Kain controlled the minds of some people, done stuff, got stuff done,
killed stuff, then left with his new ability)
Kain: (looking around) Which first? The house or the damn cave. Caves are everywhere
in Nosgoth. Someone should just bulldoze the damn things. (Kain went in the building
first because he hated the caves and decided to leave it for last. Kain looked around
and saw some people chained to a wall but Kain couldn't reach them. Then Kain found
Blood Gout) With this spell, I throw my blood to get their blood. Hey, I wonder what
would happen if my own blood bounced back at me? (so Kain threw his blood, but it hit
one of the blob things) Oh no! (the poisonous blood flew into Kain's mouth while Kain
was trying to close his mouth to stop, but he wasn't strong enough)
Chained Person: Haha, you're poisoned! I'd hate to be you right now!
Kain: (poisoned) Crap! And I never got an Anti-Toxin cause I thought they were useless
and I'd never need them! (after Kain discovered he was WRONG, he went around,
almost poisoned to death, then decided he'd drink a Heart of Darkness) This doesn't
look very tasty. (he drank it and to his surprise, it was the best thing he'd ever drunk!
Even though he was at full health, he kept drinking more Heart of Darkness's. He
eventually drank all 50 of them and there were 50 of them because he'd never used
them before) Yummy! (he started feeling sick) I think somebody spiked my Hearts.
(so Kain went wondering around, slightly drunk, getting hit a lot, but because he was
drunk, his nerves refused to cooperate and wouldn't register and he was finally outside
in the swamp again, still very drunk. He walked to the cave, thinking that the swamp
water was nothing more than thin air even though he was standing in it in pain. Then
he thought it looked like pudding)
Kain: Pudding! (then Kain scooped some up) Mmmmmm! TASTY! ME LIKE! (then drunk
Kain walked over to the cave, where a Blood Fountain awaited)
Rahab (as Blood Fountain): (sees Kain) AHHHHH!!!
Kain: (in drunk voice) I muth be drunk. That sounded like it talchked. I mean talked.
Rahab (as Blood Fountain): (sobs uncontrollably)
Kain: ...
Rahab: I'VE BEEN scarred! (sobs some more) Go AHEAD and DRINK! (sobs)
Kain: Thude, you're sad. I'M DRUNK! (then Kain drunk the blood)
Rahab: I can't do this! (runs off crying)
Kain: I A BIG STRONG BOY NOW!
(then Kain walks off to a forest in a swamp, still completely drunk, then has a thought)
Kain: THIS PLACE IS DANGEROUS! WHY WOU-WOU-WOU-WOULD, THAT'S THE WORD
I'M LOOKING FOR, 'WOULD.' WHY'D HE CHOOSE SUCH A DANGEROUS PLACE!?
(since Kain's nerves weren't working, he survived and he got to a red triangle and
stepped on it)
Voice Recorder (with Kain's voice): Vorador's keep was hidden deep within the
Termagent forest, nestled amongst vines and creepers that clung desperately to it dark
weathered stone.
Kain: (drunk and completely surprised) WOOOOOOW! THAT SOUNDS JUST LIKE ME!
(so Kain went in and discovered how grand the place was and was amazed)
Kain: The lucklery with which Vorador surrounded hymself with was ASTONISHING! IT
WOULD EVEN PUT ME TO SHLAME!
(so Kain stumbled around and put his hands on the walls to guide him, oblivious to the
fact that about 79 skeletons were hitting him. He would walk over spikes not realizing it
either)
Kain: (drunk) Someone did somethlin powerfully to my Hearts.
(Kain still stumbled around Vorador's mansion till he got to a room with 15 women
chained up)
Kain: (drunk) Vorador's WHORES! HE A WOMANIZER! HE NEEDITH TREATMENT!
BLOOD! BLOOD IS MY FRIEND! (then Kain drank the blood and went on)
(Kain walked and walked and walked, and for a change of pace, was starting to get
sober, when he saw what he dreamed of: A kitchen full of people)
Kain: (slightly drunk) You! Why'd I just say you? Because I happy! Yay! (then Kain
drank all 5,000 people and Kain was actually full)
(after Kain's feast, he walked around and found some new armor)
Kain: (sober) This is Chaos Armor. When people him me, they get hurt, as do I!
(then Kain tried out his new armor by getting the crap beat outta him, but the thing
that was hurting him died because of the armor)
Kain: (in a lot of pain) Aha! I showed that thing! (Kain wondered aimlessly and found
Blood Shower) Yaa-hoo! Now I can fill up a tub with blood, then swim in it! (Kain tried
it, but there was no tub. Poor Kain. Anyway, Kain got to a room where he had to use
Blood Shower to get across) I love this spell! This spell good!
(Kain then wondered into a room with dead bodies and clubs, swords, mace, as in the
spray, and a whip)
Kain: Kinky! A torture room! Sick bastard! Hey, what's this written on the wall? (Kain
goes over to the wall and reads the caption aloud) Manus Celer Dei. What the hell? I
seriously need to learn to read, because that can't be what it says! It makes no sense.
(Kain wondered some more and possessed a woman and the possessed woman found a
book)
Kain (as Possessed Woman): Not another book! (then Possessed Woman found some
paintings) A bunch of stupid paintings! Blah, blah, blah. I'm ready to leave this body.
(then Kain thought of something) I'll unpossess this body in just a minute. (then Kain,
as 'Possessed Woman', looked down her shirt. Satisfied with himself, he unpossessed
her)
(Kain was wondering around and found a diner table. He went forward and saw
Vorador drinking blood and having a snack)
Vorador: (after biting into someone) Yum, banana flavored.
Kain: I'm looking at what I'm becoming. A perverted bastard just like this vampire.
Vorador: I don't see one of my own much. Especially someone as stupid as hell. That
and I don't get out much. But drink, indulge your gift.
Kain: A gift? He thought vampirism was a gift!? He said we're gods! Hey, I can get used
to this. I pondered what kind of crown I'd wear as a god while he babbled on about
something and I really didn't care. Should it be a green crown or a purple one?
Vorador: ...then I won the bitch slap contest against Malek and defeated him. So
after slaughtering six of their shepherds I defeated their little sheep Malek. Since then, I
don't get out much, I just sit around watching soap operas.
Kain: (still not paying attention) Yeah, yeah.
Vorador: (gives Kain the ring) Take this ring. If you need me, use it! (then Vorador
disappeared)
Kain: Hey, this is just a bunch of broken teeth! (then Kain left, realizing what he was
becoming) Cut! That's a rap!
___________________________________________________________
Vorador: Good, that didn't take long. I'm off to be a gynecologist. (hands Kain
something) Here's my card if you need me. (then Vorador left)
Kain: (looking at the card) No! (then sees Zephon's bag) Zephon, get up! (Kain kicks
the bag, only to feel nothing) Did I disintegrate him? (then Kain picked up the bag and
it was Zephonless) There is a severe missing of Zephon here)
(then Zephon walks up to Kain naked)
Zephon: My eyes have been opened, Kain.
Kain: (not looking) You just now found out you were a Sarafan?
Zephon: Not that! I've become a nudist!
Kain: AHHHHH!!! (Kain faints)
Zephon: What's his problem?
---------------------------------------
Take 1
Kain: I have decided I will walk off the cliff that leads to the ground below.
(so he did. Too bad he was on the other side and fell head fist into water)
------------------------------------
Take 5
(Well, it was about this time that Kain had gotten really pissed off and decided
that they would need a budget higher than $3, so Kain just threw the crappy axes away
and kicked the tree)
Kain: Ow, my fu**ing foot!
Dumah (of-screen): That's my strong daddy!
-------------------------------------
Take 11
(then Kain thinks to turn on Mist form)
Hahahahaha! Wow! I like, can't feel the burning beneath my feet! I like, go through!
Wow! Neat-o! (Kain then got to a locked door and got stuck half-way through it
because it wore off) Somebody help. I'm in a very painful and uncomfortable position.
-------------------------------------
Take 19
Kain: Now what do I do? (then Kain found Control Mind) With this spell, I can control
the minds of weak and feeble beings! (muttering to himself) Hey, I bet this could work
on Zephon. (then Kain controlled the mind of Zephon)
Possessed Zephon: (looks around in a dark room) Where am I? I'm still in that stupid
bag aren't I? (then Kain unpossesses Zephon)
-------------------------------------
Take 24
(then decided he'd drink a Heart of Darkness) This doesn't
look very tasty. (he drank it and to his surprise, it was the best thing he'd ever drunk!
Even though he was at full health, he kept drinking more Heart of Darkness's. He
eventually drank all 50 of them and there were 50 of them because he'd never used
them before) Yummy! (he started feeling sick) I think somebody spiked my Hearts.
(drunk) HE-E-E-E-EY! I'M NOR SUSOSED TO BE DRUNK! THIS IS RELICULOUS!
----------------------------------------
Take 30
Vorador: I don't see one of my own much. Especially someone as stupid as hell. That
and I don't get out much. But drink, arouse your gift.
Kain: AROUSE my gift! You sick bastard!
---------------------------------
Take 39
Vorador: (gives Kain the ring) Take this ring. If you need me, use it! (then Vorador
disappeared)
Kain: I now have the one ring to rule them all! (then, in disbelief) Did I just say that!?
--------------------------------------
Take 40
Kain: Hey, this is just a bunch of broken teeth!
(then Vorador reappeared)
Vorador: Oh yeah, since we've both got mind control and we have humans, do you
wanna play chess using humans?
Kain: I'm sorry, but I don't know how to play chess.
Vorador: Oh, ok. Bye! (then Vorador disappears again)
Kain: So that's why the chess game with Vorador was cut out of Blood Omen 1.
__________________________________________________________
I hope you liked this chapter and review! Oh, and I don't have any maiming birds yet. Hopefully I'll get some soon.
_________________________________________________________
The scene is the Pillars before shooting. Everyone is getting ready for the shooting
except Rabah and Zephon
Kain: Where's Rahab?
Raziel: He isn't gonna speak to you!
Kain: Why not? All I did was show him one of Vorador's magazines!
Raziel: Up until then..he was pure.
Kain: Oh crap. WAIT A MINUTE! He slaughters people, drinks their blood! He' still
considered pure!?
Raziel: Yeah, but you made him un-pure. That's why he scarred.
Kain: Aw, damn it! Then what explains Zephon?
(then Zephon comes hoping up to them in a bag with just his head sticking out)
Zephon: This is my bag! It's neat-o! I have so much stuff stored in here just in case!
Kain: Why the hell are you even in a bag?
Zephon: Well, it's either that or I run around naked.
Kain: Why? (then remembers what happened last chapter) Oh yeah! Hahahahaha!
Zephon: Hey, at least I thought of something! You probably would've just walked
around naked!
Kain: Well, that's because I'm sexy! Who in their right minds would want to see you
naked!? You total idiot!
Zephon: That's it! I'm tired of you calling me an idiot!
Kain: Then don't be so damn stupid!
Zephon: If I'm so stupid then why do I have a PhD in Anatomy and a PhD in the study
of the human mind and a PhD in Arithmetic!?
Raziel and Kain: ...! What the hell!?
Zephon: And in Nosgoth's version of Stanford, I always got straight A's, never failed
anything, and never got anything lower than a B.
Raziel: Oh holy sh**! They have a Stanford for everything!
Kain: If you're so damn smart, WHY ARE YOU SO DAMN STUPID!?
Zephon: What makes you think I'm stupid! (looks down on the ground) Oh, a penny!
(he bends down to pick it up, but since his head's the only thing out of the bag, he falls
face first then wiggles back up. Then Rahab wonders in)
Kain: Hey Rehab, get our I.Q. results.
Rahab: ...AHHHH!!! (Rahab runs off)
Raziel: (to Kain) See what you've done!? (Raziel gets the I.Q. results) Oh my good lord.
Kain: (snatches the sheet) Oh, damn it! How the hell is Zephon's I.Q. 4,000!!!
Zephon: It's easy with someone smart and sexy like me!
Kain: (still astonished) Ok, let's just talk about this part of the film. Bane's not in it.
Raziel: Good. We need to get him cured by then. Should I get the Seer?
Kain: Oh hell no! I specifically picked Rehab for this part because Bane likes water and
Rehab can stand water!
Zephon: Rahab has been teaching me to stand water!
Kain: Is that so?
Zephon: Yeah. (Kain pushes Zephon's head into the bag, then dumps a bucket of water
into the bag) IT BURNS!!!
Kain: Unfortunately, Vorador will be in this one.
Raziel: Is that good or bad?
(Vorador walks up)
Vorador: Make sure this doesn't take too long. I've still gotta go to my day job.
Kain: You have a day job? What is it?
Vorador: I'm a gynecologist.
Raziel: You are so sick.
Zephon: (curled up inside the bag) IT STILL BURNS!!!
Kain: Let's just start filming...
The scene is a cave, and Kain just finished talking to Raziel, as 'Moebius'
(Kain is wondering around the numerous caves trying to find somewhere new and runs
into a new spell)
Kain: Ah, the spell Incapacitate. With this I can stop people in there tracks and toy with
them, making their fear rise to make their blood sweeter! Ahahahaha! I love being me!
(Well, after Kain tried the spell out on himself to make sure it worked, it did. About an
hour later, when he became uncapacitated, he walked around some more caves, got
lost, walked around some more, got lost again, and finally decided he would walk off
the cliff that lead to the ground below)
Kain: I have decided I will walk off the cliff that leads to the ground below.
(So he did. After the medic healed up Kain's bruised arm, all the while Kain was crying
like a little wussy, Kain eventually got up and continued on his quest. He got to a place
where rocks shot arrows in all directions)
Kain: Ow! I must make it to that building! (Kain walked forward and got shot) Ow!
(Kain walked to the left and got shot) Ow! (Kain walked forward again and got shot)
Ow! (then Kain started to get annoyed) Ok, there's got to be some way to get through
this. I just need to figure this out and concentrate on the answer without getting
disturbed. (while Kain was thinking he got shot) Oh, damn it! (then Kain simply walked
to the building and a tree was blocking his way) Stupid tree!
(Kain now tried to cut down the tree with his crappy axes, the left one having to be
tapped into two, and the right one had been in water, making it disintegrate in his
hand. Well, it was about this time that Kain had gotten really pissed off and decided
that they would need a budget higher than $3, so Kain just threw the crappy axes away
and kicked the tree, which then fell down)
Kain: Wow, I'm strong! (then an arrow hits him from behind) Ow! (starts crying like a
wussy. Kain goes into the room and finds a Mist card-thingy) Hey, a Mist card-thingy!
(Kain went to pick it up) Wow! Now I can, like, go through doors! And things go
through me! Mist!!! Me invulnerable! Woo-hoo!
(after Kain made another total idiot of himself, he got to a place with sand on the
bottom. Kain walked on the sand without Mist form on)
Kain: Ow, this hurts! Burning my feet! Hot sand! (then Kain thinks to turn on Mist form)
Hahahahaha! Wow! I like, can't feel the burning beneath my feet! I like, go through!
Wow! Neat-o! (Kain then got to a locked door and went through it) Awesome! That felt
so good. I wanna do it again! (sees another locked door) Yay!
(well, Kain would go to a locked door and go through it over and over again until he
lost all of his magic and had to revert back to normal, ruining his fun. Kain continued in
this dungeon until he got outside and saw a pool of water in his way)
Kain: Hey, get outta my way! (it just sat there) How come nothing obeys me? (then
Kain put on Mist form and crossed until he got to a red triangle with Kain's voice on it)
Might as well see what it says.
Voice Recorder (with Kain's voice on it): The black forest reigned here, its kingdom
rarely invaded by those that live in the light. But it was called home by this mysterious
Vorador. Legend told of a time when Vorador defeated Malek of the Sarafan.
If such a man did exist, then he could perhaps be the key to defeating the Ward.
Kain: I'm glad this thing knows what's going on, cause I sure don't. Hey, a swamp and
a cave! (Kain was finally smart enough to activate Mist form over dangerous terrain and
got the a cave. Inside was a door. He went through and was in a room with strange
symbols in every corner and weirdo's who were uber-elastic. Kain killed everything as
usual and then stepped on all corner symbols hoping something would happen. It
didn't. He tried all the symbols in every order, but still nothing happened. He had been
at it for an hour and got annoyed and pissed off and leaned against the wall. There,
right beside him, was a switch) Oh crap! It was here this whole time!? (then Kain
pressed the switch, opening the path to the Flame Sword) That was a waste of time.
I'm getting hungry! (Kain walked over and grabbed the Flame Sword) This sword burns
the living hell outta things! (muttering) Much like that stupid hot sand.
(Kain left, still feeling really hungry, then saw a human to kill)
Kain: Die! (Kain killed the human in one swipe with the Flame Sword) We- well, what
the hell? No blood! Damn sword, I hate you! (then Kain flung the sword and it hit some
huge terrifying monster and killed the monster in one hit. Kain ran over and got the
sword and hugged it) I didn't mean it, I love you!
(So Kain wondered around the ruined buildings and got to a room with people high up
and Kain couldn't reach)
Kain: Now what do I do? (then Kain found Control Mind) With this spell, I can control
the minds of weak and feeble beings! (muttering to himself) Hey, I bet this could work
on Zephon. (then Kain controlled the minds of some people, done stuff, got stuff done,
killed stuff, then left with his new ability)
Kain: (looking around) Which first? The house or the damn cave. Caves are everywhere
in Nosgoth. Someone should just bulldoze the damn things. (Kain went in the building
first because he hated the caves and decided to leave it for last. Kain looked around
and saw some people chained to a wall but Kain couldn't reach them. Then Kain found
Blood Gout) With this spell, I throw my blood to get their blood. Hey, I wonder what
would happen if my own blood bounced back at me? (so Kain threw his blood, but it hit
one of the blob things) Oh no! (the poisonous blood flew into Kain's mouth while Kain
was trying to close his mouth to stop, but he wasn't strong enough)
Chained Person: Haha, you're poisoned! I'd hate to be you right now!
Kain: (poisoned) Crap! And I never got an Anti-Toxin cause I thought they were useless
and I'd never need them! (after Kain discovered he was WRONG, he went around,
almost poisoned to death, then decided he'd drink a Heart of Darkness) This doesn't
look very tasty. (he drank it and to his surprise, it was the best thing he'd ever drunk!
Even though he was at full health, he kept drinking more Heart of Darkness's. He
eventually drank all 50 of them and there were 50 of them because he'd never used
them before) Yummy! (he started feeling sick) I think somebody spiked my Hearts.
(so Kain went wondering around, slightly drunk, getting hit a lot, but because he was
drunk, his nerves refused to cooperate and wouldn't register and he was finally outside
in the swamp again, still very drunk. He walked to the cave, thinking that the swamp
water was nothing more than thin air even though he was standing in it in pain. Then
he thought it looked like pudding)
Kain: Pudding! (then Kain scooped some up) Mmmmmm! TASTY! ME LIKE! (then drunk
Kain walked over to the cave, where a Blood Fountain awaited)
Rahab (as Blood Fountain): (sees Kain) AHHHHH!!!
Kain: (in drunk voice) I muth be drunk. That sounded like it talchked. I mean talked.
Rahab (as Blood Fountain): (sobs uncontrollably)
Kain: ...
Rahab: I'VE BEEN scarred! (sobs some more) Go AHEAD and DRINK! (sobs)
Kain: Thude, you're sad. I'M DRUNK! (then Kain drunk the blood)
Rahab: I can't do this! (runs off crying)
Kain: I A BIG STRONG BOY NOW!
(then Kain walks off to a forest in a swamp, still completely drunk, then has a thought)
Kain: THIS PLACE IS DANGEROUS! WHY WOU-WOU-WOU-WOULD, THAT'S THE WORD
I'M LOOKING FOR, 'WOULD.' WHY'D HE CHOOSE SUCH A DANGEROUS PLACE!?
(since Kain's nerves weren't working, he survived and he got to a red triangle and
stepped on it)
Voice Recorder (with Kain's voice): Vorador's keep was hidden deep within the
Termagent forest, nestled amongst vines and creepers that clung desperately to it dark
weathered stone.
Kain: (drunk and completely surprised) WOOOOOOW! THAT SOUNDS JUST LIKE ME!
(so Kain went in and discovered how grand the place was and was amazed)
Kain: The lucklery with which Vorador surrounded hymself with was ASTONISHING! IT
WOULD EVEN PUT ME TO SHLAME!
(so Kain stumbled around and put his hands on the walls to guide him, oblivious to the
fact that about 79 skeletons were hitting him. He would walk over spikes not realizing it
either)
Kain: (drunk) Someone did somethlin powerfully to my Hearts.
(Kain still stumbled around Vorador's mansion till he got to a room with 15 women
chained up)
Kain: (drunk) Vorador's WHORES! HE A WOMANIZER! HE NEEDITH TREATMENT!
BLOOD! BLOOD IS MY FRIEND! (then Kain drank the blood and went on)
(Kain walked and walked and walked, and for a change of pace, was starting to get
sober, when he saw what he dreamed of: A kitchen full of people)
Kain: (slightly drunk) You! Why'd I just say you? Because I happy! Yay! (then Kain
drank all 5,000 people and Kain was actually full)
(after Kain's feast, he walked around and found some new armor)
Kain: (sober) This is Chaos Armor. When people him me, they get hurt, as do I!
(then Kain tried out his new armor by getting the crap beat outta him, but the thing
that was hurting him died because of the armor)
Kain: (in a lot of pain) Aha! I showed that thing! (Kain wondered aimlessly and found
Blood Shower) Yaa-hoo! Now I can fill up a tub with blood, then swim in it! (Kain tried
it, but there was no tub. Poor Kain. Anyway, Kain got to a room where he had to use
Blood Shower to get across) I love this spell! This spell good!
(Kain then wondered into a room with dead bodies and clubs, swords, mace, as in the
spray, and a whip)
Kain: Kinky! A torture room! Sick bastard! Hey, what's this written on the wall? (Kain
goes over to the wall and reads the caption aloud) Manus Celer Dei. What the hell? I
seriously need to learn to read, because that can't be what it says! It makes no sense.
(Kain wondered some more and possessed a woman and the possessed woman found a
book)
Kain (as Possessed Woman): Not another book! (then Possessed Woman found some
paintings) A bunch of stupid paintings! Blah, blah, blah. I'm ready to leave this body.
(then Kain thought of something) I'll unpossess this body in just a minute. (then Kain,
as 'Possessed Woman', looked down her shirt. Satisfied with himself, he unpossessed
her)
(Kain was wondering around and found a diner table. He went forward and saw
Vorador drinking blood and having a snack)
Vorador: (after biting into someone) Yum, banana flavored.
Kain: I'm looking at what I'm becoming. A perverted bastard just like this vampire.
Vorador: I don't see one of my own much. Especially someone as stupid as hell. That
and I don't get out much. But drink, indulge your gift.
Kain: A gift? He thought vampirism was a gift!? He said we're gods! Hey, I can get used
to this. I pondered what kind of crown I'd wear as a god while he babbled on about
something and I really didn't care. Should it be a green crown or a purple one?
Vorador: ...then I won the bitch slap contest against Malek and defeated him. So
after slaughtering six of their shepherds I defeated their little sheep Malek. Since then, I
don't get out much, I just sit around watching soap operas.
Kain: (still not paying attention) Yeah, yeah.
Vorador: (gives Kain the ring) Take this ring. If you need me, use it! (then Vorador
disappeared)
Kain: Hey, this is just a bunch of broken teeth! (then Kain left, realizing what he was
becoming) Cut! That's a rap!
___________________________________________________________
Vorador: Good, that didn't take long. I'm off to be a gynecologist. (hands Kain
something) Here's my card if you need me. (then Vorador left)
Kain: (looking at the card) No! (then sees Zephon's bag) Zephon, get up! (Kain kicks
the bag, only to feel nothing) Did I disintegrate him? (then Kain picked up the bag and
it was Zephonless) There is a severe missing of Zephon here)
(then Zephon walks up to Kain naked)
Zephon: My eyes have been opened, Kain.
Kain: (not looking) You just now found out you were a Sarafan?
Zephon: Not that! I've become a nudist!
Kain: AHHHHH!!! (Kain faints)
Zephon: What's his problem?
---------------------------------------
Take 1
Kain: I have decided I will walk off the cliff that leads to the ground below.
(so he did. Too bad he was on the other side and fell head fist into water)
------------------------------------
Take 5
(Well, it was about this time that Kain had gotten really pissed off and decided
that they would need a budget higher than $3, so Kain just threw the crappy axes away
and kicked the tree)
Kain: Ow, my fu**ing foot!
Dumah (of-screen): That's my strong daddy!
-------------------------------------
Take 11
(then Kain thinks to turn on Mist form)
Hahahahaha! Wow! I like, can't feel the burning beneath my feet! I like, go through!
Wow! Neat-o! (Kain then got to a locked door and got stuck half-way through it
because it wore off) Somebody help. I'm in a very painful and uncomfortable position.
-------------------------------------
Take 19
Kain: Now what do I do? (then Kain found Control Mind) With this spell, I can control
the minds of weak and feeble beings! (muttering to himself) Hey, I bet this could work
on Zephon. (then Kain controlled the mind of Zephon)
Possessed Zephon: (looks around in a dark room) Where am I? I'm still in that stupid
bag aren't I? (then Kain unpossesses Zephon)
-------------------------------------
Take 24
(then decided he'd drink a Heart of Darkness) This doesn't
look very tasty. (he drank it and to his surprise, it was the best thing he'd ever drunk!
Even though he was at full health, he kept drinking more Heart of Darkness's. He
eventually drank all 50 of them and there were 50 of them because he'd never used
them before) Yummy! (he started feeling sick) I think somebody spiked my Hearts.
(drunk) HE-E-E-E-EY! I'M NOR SUSOSED TO BE DRUNK! THIS IS RELICULOUS!
----------------------------------------
Take 30
Vorador: I don't see one of my own much. Especially someone as stupid as hell. That
and I don't get out much. But drink, arouse your gift.
Kain: AROUSE my gift! You sick bastard!
---------------------------------
Take 39
Vorador: (gives Kain the ring) Take this ring. If you need me, use it! (then Vorador
disappeared)
Kain: I now have the one ring to rule them all! (then, in disbelief) Did I just say that!?
--------------------------------------
Take 40
Kain: Hey, this is just a bunch of broken teeth!
(then Vorador reappeared)
Vorador: Oh yeah, since we've both got mind control and we have humans, do you
wanna play chess using humans?
Kain: I'm sorry, but I don't know how to play chess.
Vorador: Oh, ok. Bye! (then Vorador disappears again)
Kain: So that's why the chess game with Vorador was cut out of Blood Omen 1.
__________________________________________________________
I hope you liked this chapter and review! Oh, and I don't have any maiming birds yet. Hopefully I'll get some soon.