Disclaimer: Do you own LoK or any characters in this fic? No. Neither do I
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The scene was Kain's throne room and there was a pool nearby. Kain was
talking to everyone about an important event
Kain: Guess what? (the Lieutenants just stare) Ariel is coming to check the progress on
the film! But she's bringing Nupraptor! I get to show her how much better I am than
Battery-powered Head!
Zephon: Battery-powered Head? I don't get it.
(Vorador and Janos come staggering in)
Vorador: (obviously drunk) HEY! You Kain.
Janos: (drunk too) You be DA MAN! KAIN!
Kain: Vorador, how'd you get Janos drunk!
Vorador: I told him it was wine.
Janos: I'm such an idiot! Hahahahahahah! Geehee!
Kain: Riiiiiiiight...
(then in walks three special guests. The first was the actual Ariel, with her lover and
second special guest, Nupraptor. Then the third special guest was some dude they had
found on their travels who was bumbling about conspiracies. His name was Uri Gellar)
Ariel: It's Kain!
Nupraptor: (less excited) Kain.
Uri: I'm special! I can bend spoons with my mind!
Zephon: Oh, KICK ASS! SHOW ME! I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
Uri: Even though you'll probably be filed under a conspiracy, I'll show you!
(then Zephon and Uri walk away, leaving Ariel and Kain and everyone else)
Kain: (whispering to Turel) Turel, what do I say to her?
Turel: (whispering back) Don't worry, I heard this from a song, it's sure to work! (then
Turel whispers to Kain the words to say)
Kain: (to Nupraptor) Hey Battery-powered Head. (then to Ariel, and very seriously
begins to tell Ariel what Turel said he should say) Ariel, I don't want anybody
else...when I think about you...I touch myself.
Ariel: That was so beautiful.
Nupraptor: What!? But he said he touched himself!
Ariel: But that is kind-hearted.
Nupraptor: But I touch myself too when I think of you!
Ariel: (disgusted) That's just nasty.
Kain: (to Turel) Score! Good one Turel!
Turel: Thanks.
Nupraptor: (to Ariel) Well, I got you a gift! (he gives her a gift. It's a battery) Now your
head can glow like mine.
Ariel: Oh, cool! I love you Nupraptor! (to Kain) What present do you have me?
Kain: (worried) Um...uh...well...(looks to Turel and yanks Turel in front of
him)
Ariel: (sarcastically) My very own Turel. Wow.
Kain: No. It's the gift of song. (throws Turel behind him, then whispers to Turel) Make
it something romantic. I don't need any songs about suicide or murder!
Turel: Got it! (thinks to himself) One of my favorite songs! This is gonna be a laugh.
This song is what I think about Ariel.
Kain: (Kain moves his mouth to match the words Turel is singing to make it look like
Kain is the one singing, but with horrible choreography)
So this is our last good-bye
You don't care, so I won't cry
You'll be sorry when I'm dead
Cause all this guilt will be on your head (starts to get PO'ed at Turel)
I GUESS YOU CALL IT SUICIDE! (then Kain quickly turns around and starts to strangle
Turel, sometimes punching him, while Ariel just rolls her eyes annoyed) This situation
couldn't get any worse or any less romantic.
(then Zephon came running in, extremely excited)
Zephon: WHOA MAN! THIS DUDE'S AWESOME MAN! HE, LIKE, BENDS SPOONS WITH
HIS MIND, MAN! WITH JUST HIS MIND! WHOA MAN, IT'S AWESOME! MIND...BEND
SPOON! TOTALLY KICK ASS MAN! (Zephon is still very excited, so he gets a loud
speaker phone and yells in it) DUDE! SPEAKER PHONE! URI BENDING SPOON WITH
MIND! HOW CAN THIS GET ANY BETTER!? (then Zephon runs off screen and then yells
cause he found something to make the day better) MUDDY DOG! LET'S ROLL AROUND!
DUDE, I WANNA BEND A SPOON WITH MY MIND! IT'S AWESOME! SPOON! MIND!
WAHOO!
Kain: (sighs an extremely heavy sigh)
Ariel: Wasn't that one of your sons?
Kain: Kind of...
Ariel: Your sons still live with you?
Kain: Well...he's about to move out. Everyone here is.
Raziel: Really!? You actually want us to move out!?
Kain: No!
Ariel: So you want to be with your children this long?
(then Ariel sees a drunken Vorador and Janos stumbling in)
Janos: We're out of nachos! Buy more!
Ariel: Let me guess, college roommates.
Kain: (starting to get angry) Please just listen...
Ariel: Why do you STILL live with your children? That's sad, especially your mentally
retarded son Zephon. And Vorador and Janos, you live with those two!? What the hell's
wrong with you?
Kain: (furious) SHUT THE HELL UP ARIEL! IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, THEN GET THE HELL
OUT!
Dumah: Our father's defending us! Oh, this is so kick ass.
Kain: Of course my children are living with me, I love my kids! (then realizes what he
just said) Oh dammit, now they know! Besides, I need them here or else nothing would
ever get done! I mean, why should I waste MY muscles when my sons can do
everything for me! (then he points to Vorador and Janos) And sure, they're drunk and
all, but they have an excuse! They're dumbasses! So, you can leave!
Ariel: Fine. Nupraptor, Uri, follow me.
Nupraptor: As you wish.
Uri: No! You've formed a conspiracy to kill me!
Ariel: Fine. Stay. (then she and Nupraptor leave)
Uri: Freaks. (then he starts to try to bend another spoon with his mind again)
Dumah: Wow, you sure won't be getting anything from her.
Kain: Shut up ingrate!
Rahab: Our daddy protected us!
Raziel: That's cause our daddy loves us!
Kain: No, I protected you things because y'all are stupid. I protected Vorador because
he is an old pervert. And I protected Janos cause he's a little wussy pretty-boy. And no
one calls Zephon stupid except his family!
Zephon: Yeah!
Kain: Shut up dumbass! (then Kain gets an idea) Y'know, since I discovered that Ariel is
a total bitch, I'd like to make some revisions to Zephon's costume. Revenge time!
Raziel: Well that can't be good.
Kain: Ok, we start filming soon. I've just got to get Zephon more appropriate Ariel
clothes.
Zephon: Don't say I wear a thong, those hurt!
Kain: Oh, don't worry. (then Kain runs off)
Zephon: I don't think I'll like this.
Rahab: He protected us! When he showed me Vorador's magazine, he wasn't trying to
scar me, he was trying to enlighten me! I love my daddy!
Raziel: Yeah, sure.
Rahab: Then I can still be what I want to be!
Raziel: What's that?
Rahab: It's-(Kain then came rushing in)
Kain: I've just thought of the mostest cruelest prank in the world to pull on Ariel. Let's
start filming!
The filming then started. The scene is the dungeon we left off at, and Kain
just walked in the room with Rahab as Bane, Zephon as Dejoule, and Janos
as Anacrothe
Kain: Aha, three sorcerers. Dejoule the Energyist, Bane the Jewish, and Anacrothe the
Asinine.
Zephon (as Dejoule): (dressed in a robe with long fake hair running down) Hey, you
interrupted our threesome!
Rahab (as Bane): (in just his boxers and balancing a moose head on his head) So, the
scrooge of the Circle has arrived!
Zephon (as Dejoule): Fear him not, ya little pansy! He is but a Welch; his soul is ours
for the stealing! Mwahahahahahahaha!
Janos (as Anacrothe): (in a multi-colored robe with a pot-leaf on it like the kinds on a
hippy's shirt) Screw you guys, I don't wanna die! Malek, help! (then Janos throws a
smoke bomb on the ground with a disappointing 'foof' and the smoke only rose up to
his knees) Damn it! (then Janos just ran away, then he supernaturally quickly changed
into his Malek costume)
Kain: Damn son of a bitch, Anacrothe the Asinine! You don't have to be such an ass! So
that's why he's called the Asinine. (then Kain pulls out a ring. Vorador magically
appears)
Janos (as Malek): (sees Vorador) Vengeance! Vengeance for everything you stupid lazy-
eyed transvestite!
Vorador: Welch! As if you had any idea what eternity is! And I'm not a transvestite! I'm
all about the women!
Janos: That's what all gay people say!
Vorador: Well at least I'm not a hippy! (then Kain punches him and Janos)
Kain: Get back to the script you idiots!
Vorador: Grovel to your true master!
Janos (as Malek): Never! (then in Janos' own words) I'll cut your from your balls to your
nostrils and feed what's left of you to your husbands!
(then Dejoule and Bane run away, then Kain follows them)
Vorador: (in his own words) You ungrateful SOB! I'll kill you!
(then Janos and Vorador fought each other, up until Vorador broke the very cheap
spear-thingy and Malek shot some blue at Vorador, which Vorador misted and tried to
strike Janos, but Janos kicked him in the shin. They both got PO'ed at each other, then
Vorador threw down his weapon and Janos and Vorador bitch-slapped each other
repeatedly)
The scene is outside and there's a swimming pool with Rahab (as Bane)
walking around it and Zephon (as Dejoule is standing on the water)
Kain: (hearing several bitch-slaps, knowing that's not in the script) As Vorador and
Malek fought like little wussy schoolgirls, I chased after Bane and Dejoule...I waltzed
their waltz, but when the time came, they'd get an enima from my sword.
Rahab (as Bane): His magic is crappy! He is an offense to Nature, so let's purify the
smelly bastard!
Zephon (as Dejoule): Burn! Burn baby burn! Disco inferno! (then to himself) Disco is
cool. I wish I could live in that time.
(then Kain armed the Flame Sword, which was just a stick that was on fire, and rushed
at Rahab, who had already digged some of the ground up. Kain saw this, hit Rahab
with the Flame Sword then Rahab looked at himself, now on fire)
Rahab: ...
Kain: (looking at the stick, which had fire running out of control) Oh crap.
Rahab: (finally feeling the pain) AHHHHH!!! IT BURNS! (then Rahab was running
around screaming in endless circles yelling)
Zephon: Rahab! Stop, drop, and roll!
Kain: (seeing the stick completely on fire) Damn, the stick is on fire! (Kain then hit
Rahab repeatedly with the stick, hoping the fire would stick to Rahab, extinguishing the
stick)
Rahab: (while being the crap beat out of him by the stick) Ow! STOP YOU BASTARD,
I'M ON FIRE! (then Rahab continued running around in endless circles)
Zephon: Stop, drop, and roll! That what I always do when I'm on fire! I don't just run in
endless circles screaming like some wussy!
Kain: (finally deciding to throw the stick away) Screw this stick!
Zephon: Um, pretend Rahab's dead and just fight me!
Kain: Good idea! (then Kain snatches the moose head from Rahab, whose still just
standing there screaming)
Zephon (as Dejoule): Haha! Die you pitiful Welch!
Kain: I'll kill you! (then Kain shot an energy bolt at Zephon, and it hit him! Kain was
amazed nothing went wrong) Awesome!
Zephon: Ow! Hey, that hurt!
Kain: It did!? Then it worked! Yahoo! (then Kain repeatedly hit him with energy bolts till
Zephon was curled up on the ground in agony) I win!
Zephon: Ouchies! Somebody help me! (Rahab was still just standing up on fire, but
then the fire went out and Rahab collapsed)
Kain: Yes! (then Kain went over to Zephon and was about to grab the cloak when he
thought of something) If Zephon is naked under this cloak, I'll kill him! (then Kain
grabbed the cloak to reveal...that Zephon was normally dressed under the cloak)
Wow, that's a surprise. (then Kain walked off)
Zephon: (weakly and to himself) Heehe. Of course I'm gonna dress normally, I've kinda
got a date tonight. I've got to give Umah back her silk panties. Hehe, oh I kill myself.
Kain: (holding the moose head) The moose head had broken in the fight, but power still
resided in its...um, there's got to be some power here somewhere. (looks in an eye)
Is that it? No. Oh well, I'll figure it out on my way back to Slut's...I mean Ariel's
place. (looking at the cloak) The cloak was made of fabric, and all the energy was
woven into this cloth. What was Dejoule, Pillar of Fabric Softeners or something?
(as Kain made his way back, he stepped on a teleporter and found a little face mask
painted gray)
Kain: (picking up the face mask) Ah, Malek's helmet. Vorador had finally killed Malek.
(looks at the back of the face mask) Now where the hell's his head?
(then Kain flew back to the Pillars)
The scene is the Pillars of Nosgoth, where Zephon (as Ariel) awaits
(when Kain got there, Zephon had lipstick all around his mouth, a little strip around his
chest, acting as the shirt, with a cigarette in between the fake breasts. He was also
wearing a very small thong, like his character was trying to show as much as possible,
while still looking like a slut)
Kain: (looking at the slutty costume he made for Zephon, then chuckled) The helmet of
Malek I place before the Pillar of Conflict; thus it was restored. At the toes of the
Energy Pillar, I place Dejoule's cloak; thus it was restored. The moose head of the
Jewish Bane I set before another stupid annoying pillar; thus, it...(then gets
annoyed and mocks Raziel's voice) That's it, I grow tiresome of this same refrain; thus
it was restored, thus it was restored.
Zephon (as Ariel): You must find Azimuth the Planar at the throat of Avernus.
Kain: How do you know this, almighty slut?
Zephon (as Ariel): I gave one of the inhabitants a blowjob for info.
Kain: But isn't that unhealthy and disgusting?
Zephon (as Ariel): I'm a slut; I don't care! Oh, and 5 instruments...
Kain: 3 instruments woman.
Zephon (as Ariel): Hey! Don't like being interrupted. Any who, 3 instruments await you,
but first you will have to rise, fall, and...stuff. Oh, and don't forget about your
salvation in between, that's very important!
The scene is now outside of Dark Eden
(Kain has flown to a cave outside Dark Eden, and went through the cave to the other
side. He then walked forward and saw a gate rise, which he went into. There were
metal bars everywhere)
Kain: Where the hell is this? (Kain walked forward to find a pipe on the ground that
went up to Kain's feet) Oh no, now how will I cross this loathsome pipe!
(so then Kain turned to wolf form and walked over it then started flipping switches that
makes pipes turn until he got to another wolf)
Kain: (in wolf form) Rarrr!
Wolf: Meow!
Kain: (in wolf form) Rowrrrr!!!
Wolf: Moo!
Kain: (Kain then turned to Vampire and hit the wolf, which turned out to be a person
disguised as a wolf) You idiot!
Wolf-Person: Do wolves go Moo or did I screw that up?
Kain: You screwed it up! (then Kain kills him and continues on. Eventually, he gets to
the almighty Lightning Spell) With this spell, I call the Heaven's hotline and deliver
lightning to eviscerate my enemies!
(then Kain walks forward and 50 wolves appear and come after Kain)
Kain: Time to use Lightning! (then Kain got out a phone and dialed) Hello I- (then an
answering machine came on)
Answering Machine (with Zeus' voice): Hello, I'm not here right now, but if you want
my services press the number 1. (Kain presses 1) Okay, if a huge demon is eating you
press 1 now. If some Hungarians are killing you press 2 now. (the wolves were now a
few feet away from Kain) If you are killing yourself press 3 now. If you are a vampire
and your Lieutenant son is trying to kill you press 4 now.
Kain: Damn it, get to pack of wolves!
Answering Machine (still Zeus): If some crazy bitch has stolen your clothes and left you
to die press 5 now. (the 50 wolves are now eating Kain) If your hair is on fire press 6
now. If you are being eaten by wolves...
Kain: Yes! What's the number!? (just got his foot chewed on)
Answering Machine (Zeus' voice): If you are being eaten by wolves press...I lost
count, I need to start again.
Answering Machine (Attila the Hun's voice): You're getting to old for this! Let me do
this! What number are we on!?
Answering Machine (Zeus' voice): Um...we just got finished with number 6. It's old
age I tell you, what's next?
Answering Machine (Attila the Hun's voice): The number is 7, you moron!
Kain: Thank you! (then Kain presses 7 and nothing happens) Hey!
Answering Machine (Attila the Hun's voice): Damn it Zeus, can't you do anything right!?
Answering Machine (Zeus' voice): Of course I can! What about Hercules!?
(then the Lightning spell kills all 50 wolves, leaving Kain almost dead)
Answering Machine (Zeus' voice): Nanananana! I told you I could do something right!
Answering Machine (Attila the Hun's voice): I'll sick Hades on your ass!
Answering Machine (Zeus' voice): BRING IT ON!
(then Kain hangs up and wonders out of the Lightning dungeon cave thingy. When Kain
steps out he activates a Bat Beacon and goes up a hill and looks at Avernus)
Kain: Avernus ate itself before mine eyes. (then Kain continued on, killing things,
mutilating things, you know, the usual Kain stuff. Then Kain got to the Avernus gate,
which opened before him) The gate of Avernus opened slowly before me. Well, what a
coincidence, I was just going to Avernus.
(then Kain walked in and found lots of corpses)
Kain: How come these corpses never have any blood left in them? This city is paved in
blood and flesh. This would have appalled me in life, but only made me so very hungry.
(so Kain walked on, pouting about not having any blood to drink, despite the fact that
there were human and guards all over the place. Then Kain noticed that the buildings
were in ruin)
Kain: Whatever destroyed this placed killed its people as well. Maybe I did this
sleepwalking, cause nothing's as reckless and destructive as me!
(Kain went in a ravaged building and saw a demon)
Kain: The beast paused for a moment, drooling in anticipation because it thought it
could kill me! Ha! It wouldn't lay a finger on me!
(then the demon bit Kain's head)
Kain: Ow you bastard! (then Kain killed it and walked on and found a HUGE demon)
Huge Demon: Die you puny little morsel. I have come for your heart! I am your
provider!
Kain: (scared) I'm so gonna die. (then Kain poked the HUGE demon with the Flame
Stick...I mean Flame Sword. Just that little poke killed it. Then Kain was suddenly
confident again) Yeah! I made it! Now nothing can hurt me! (then one of those
annoying little shadow things came up and poked his toe) Ow, crap, that hurt!
(so Kain went around all the ruined buildings but then found one that stood out from
the rest. A cathedral that wasn't harmed at all)
The scene is now the Silenced Cathedral dressed up as the aforementioned
Cathedral
Zephon: I'm the one who came up with that idea. I'm brilliance incarnated, what can I
say?
(Kain walked inside the Cathedral, which wasn't destroyed at all)
Kain: Avernus was a religious autophcracy, and this here cathedral was is biasis of
power, so them thar demons knew not to bite the hand that feeds them.
(Kain wandered around, got teleported a lot and pressed buttons on machines)
Kain: What are mechanical things like this doing here?
(shut up, you're making this complicated. Anyway, he finally got 3 different doors to
open near the end of the Cathedral, but before he could go, 2 cloak-wearing wizards
appeared before him and they got out books)
Kain: (sees the books) Ahhh!!! Get those blasted things away from me! Books can kill!
(then a cloak-wearer opened the book and fire hit Kain) Hey, books really DO kill!
Reading sucks! Look how well I'm doing and I haven't read an entire book in my life or
unlife! Reading is bad! Die you spawns of satan! (then Kain tears up the books) (to the
cloak-wearers) Ha! You can't harm me now! (then they just got out more books) (in an
irritated tone) No, not again! (then Kain Spirit Deathed them)
(after he killed them, he went into the left door which led to a teleporter. Kain stepped
on the teleporter and was teleported to Heaven, where he would eventually find the
Soul Reaver)
Kain: (looking around the white room) Where am I? (then Kain wanders forward some,
just to meet Attila the Hun) Now I know where I am. (to Attila) Hey, what are YOU
doing here!?
Attila the Hun: Got any chicken?
Kain: No.
Attila the Hun: Oh, ok. Rock on dude! (then Attila the Hun wandered away)
Kain: Wow, that was weird. (then Kain went on, getting shot by arrows, beat up by
some guards and got temporarily maimed by a maiming bird till he finally found it-he
found the Soul Reaver)
(the Soul Reaver just stood there, then Kain picked it up)
Kain: (holding the Soul Reaver, which was the real Soul Reaver by the way, not a fake
one) Time fades away, even legend, whatever that meant. Anyway, the origin of the
Soul Reaver has long since been forgotten, but its purpose remains-to feed on the souls
of anything it touches. We're kin, this blade and I! (then Kain swung the Soul Reaver,
but since it's so heavy it flies out of his hand and lands through his foot) Well, the
bottom of my shoe is gone.
(then Kain walks around with the Soul Reaver through his foot till he finally stops
because his nerve endings tell him something)
Kain: Ow!!! Get IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! OUCH!
(then Kain started crying from the pain, then cried some more because his tears burnt
him. After Kain's trip to the hospital, the filming started again. Then Kain walks through
a teleporter and goes through another door, leading to hell. Kain walked forward while
in Hell, then noticed something. There was no fire or redness at all in Hell. Everything
was blue and there was lots of ice)
Kain: (very annoyed sigh) What dumbass left the A/C on in Hell!? (sarcastically) Great,
thanks! (then seriously and PO'ed) Now Hell is FROZEN OVER! LITERALLY! Damn it!
Now we can't do this scene, and I had SO MUCH planned for this scene! Just give me
the frickin' armor! (Rahab rushed in and gave Kain the Wraith Armor, which was just a
jumpsuit painted black, but now it was a frozen suit. Kain put it on) This is cold. And it's
seriously riding up on me and uncomfortable and freezing me where it hurts. GET ME
OUT OF HERE!
(after Kain rocked forward and shattered his armor, he got teleported back to the door
that led to Azimuth. But 1 room before Kain got in there, he saw a stain glass roof with
the battle between Vorador and Malek)
Kain: (looking up to see it) Christ, they got that done already? It only happened about
an hour ago. (then Kain entered the room with Azimuth. Azimuth wasn't played by
Zephon! Instead Azimuth was played by Janos. The costume was a blue thong with a
blue cape and a big, orange ring around the neck) I think I'd prefer to see Zephon
there instead of you.
Janos (as Azimuth): AH, WHAT'S THIS!? MINE DIDN'T NOT EVEN KNOW THAT THERE
SOUL REAVER AND ARMOR EXISTEED. YOU WEAR THOSE TRINKETS WELL KAIN, BUT
THEY'D LOOK BETTERER ON MINE BODY!
Kain: The matrix of Avernus, the Lady Azimuth. She could summon demons!
(then the battle commenced. Kain walked toward Janos with the Soul Reaver)
Janos (as Azimuth): Come to me my children! We shall ravage Nosgoth together! Oh,
and Kain, you'll never kill me! (then Kain killed Azimuth with one swipe of the Soul
Reaver. Then he picked up a third eye)
Kain: What the hell's this for? (Kain walked into another room and found a Toy Truck)
Hm?
Zephon (as Ariel's voice): It shan't deliver you in time.
Kain: I though it was shall. (then Kain left and was outside of a castle. He could see a
Voice Recorder on the ground and he ran to it, only to be forced into bat form and fly
away from it) Aw crap, now I'll never know what I says! (Kain arrived at the Pillars with
a slutty-looking Ariel)
Zephon (as Ariel): (sees the Toy Truck) Ah, you have found Moebius' toy. He got that
when he turned 49 and its his favorite toy. Many a time he'd pretend he was a fireman,
pretending that toy truck was his own personal Fire Truck. The Legions of the Nemesis
are on there way and you must stop them!
Kain: How can one stop an army?
Zephon (as Ariel): Rally together Willendork's troops; you are now Nosgoth's only hope!
Kain: We're all gonna die. Cut! (then the filming stops and is over)
__________________________________________________
Kain: That sure took forever. (to Rahab) Hey Rehab, can you arrange a prank wedding?
Rahab: What're you gonna do?
Kain: Trust me. And bring Ariel here. Time to get married. (then he does that creepy
laugh of his)
Rahab: This can't be good.
(a marriage was arranged and the Lieutenants were all there, Uri was there, Kain and
Ariel of course were there, and Nupraptor was there. Kain and Ariel was walking up the
aisle)
Ariel: I'm so glad I marrying you. Now you can pay everything while I just lye around.
Oh, and we're gonna have to do something with your place. How about how wonderful
purple curtains. Oh, and we're gonna have to do something with your kids. They're
horrible, especially Zephon and Raziel. Maybe we should castrate Zephon.
Kain: (in disbelief) What!?
Ariel: You're gonna have to get your stupid act together. I don't want to have to divorce
you if you won't be my slave, but I might. Oh, and you'll have to do something with
your voice. How about we get you an Elvis voice box?
Kain: (incredible furious)...
Rahab: Will you kiss the bride?
Raziel (whispering to Rahab): What's Kain gonna do?
Rahab (whispering back): Don't know.
(then Kain and Ariel kiss. Kain says he needs to go to his room right quick and that Ariel
should meet him there. Kain leaves, followed by Ariel)
Zephon: I don't want that bitch as a mom. She wants to castrate me! She's gone too
far!
(Ariel walked into Kain's room and found Kain in bed with Umah)
Ariel: (extremely mad) WHAT!!!???
Kain: Oh, yeah, Ariel. About the wedding and all...I WAS ONLY KIDDING!
Ariel: (PO'ed) Kain...
Kain: I can't believe you fell for that! I mean, you're such a bitch. Now, if you ever try
to castrate Zephon or put my family and friends down again, you'll receive worse. Now
leave, oh and, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FELL FOR THAT, YOU'RE SO GULLABLE!
(then Ariel stormed off)
Umah: That's the only reason you wanted me in bed!? Fine, I'm leaving! (then Umah
left)
Kain: Aw, damn.
Zephon: I LOVE MY DADDY!
Uri Gellar: Your dad's awesome! He's not a conspiracy! Heheha!
Kain: Ok, from now on, you kids are on your own. Learn from the best!
Bloopers ----------------------------------------
Take 1
Janos (as Anacrothe): (in a multi-colored robe with a pot-leaf on it like the kinds on a
hippy's shirt) Screw you guys, I don't wanna die! Malek, help! (then Janos throws a
smoke bomb on the ground but it turns out not to be a smoke bomb. Dumah switched
it with a fire cracker, which pops on Janos' foot) OW! DAMN DUMAH! (then Janos
punches Dumah in the groin then punches Dumah in the face, making Dumah land in
the pool)
Rahab: Woah! Don't upset Janos.
-----------------------------------------
Take 5
Janos (as Malek): Never! (then in Janos' own words) I'll cut your from your balls to your
nostrils and feed what's left of you to your husbands!
(then Dejoule and Bane run away, then Kain follows them)
Vorador: (in his own words) You ungrateful SOB! I'll kill you!
(then Janos kicks him in the side and kicks Vorador into the water)
Kain: Will you please stop beating everyone up, Janos?
--------------------------------------
Take 9
Rahab: (while being the crap beat out of him by the stick) Ow! STOP YOU BASTARD,
I'M ON FIRE! (then Rahab continued running around in endless circles)
Zephon: Stop, drop, and roll! That what I always do when I'm on fire! (then Kain
decides to set Zephon on fire)
Kain: Do it.
Zephon: (on fire) AHH!! (then Zephon leans over and dumps his head in the wated to
get the fire off his head, then Zephon realizes something) IT BURNS!!!
-------------------------------------
Take 15
Kain: (in wolf form) Rarrr!
Wolf: Meow!
Kain: (in wolf form) Rowrrrr!!!
Wolf: Moo!
Kain: (Kain then turned to Vampire and hit the wolf, which turned out to be a person
disguised as a wolf) You idiot!
Wolf-Person: Do wolves go Moo or did I screw that up?
Kain: You screwed that up you idiot!
Wolf-Person: Can't we just leave that part in?
Kain: No! (then Wolf-Person chomps onto Kain's leg) Ow! Ok, we can leave that part in!
-------------------------------
Take 19
Kain: Thank you! (then Kain presses 7 and nothing happens) Hey!
Answering Machine (Attila the Hun's voice): Damn it Zeus, can't you do anything right!?
Answering Machine (Zeus' voice): Of course I can! What about Hercules!?
(then the Lightning spell kills all 50 wolves, leaving Kain almost dead)
Answering Machine (Zeus' voice): Nanananana! I told you I could do something right!
Answering Machine (Attila the Hun's voice): I'll sick Hades on your ass!
Answering Machine (Zeus' voice): BRING IT ON!
Answering Machine (Attila the Hun's voice): Where's Hades!?
Answering Machine (Hades' voice): Here I am. I'm cold.
Answering Machine (Attila's voice): Where have you been?
Answering Machine (Hades' voice): In Hell. I broke the A/C.
--------------------------------
Take 23
Kain: How come these corpses never have any blood left in them? This city is paved in
blood and flesh. This would have appalled me in life, but only made me so very hungry.
Raziel: What's up with the diagonal words?
Kain: That makes them more dramatic.
Raziel: Sure it does Captain Kirk.
Kain: What (pauses) does that (pauses) mean?
--------------------------------
Take 29
Janos (as Azimuth): AH, WHAT'S THIS!? MINE DIDN'T NOT EVEN KNOW THAT THERE
SOUL REAVER AND ARMOR EXISTEED. YOU WEAR THOSE TINKLES LOOK WELL ON
YOU KAIN-
Kain: Those WHAT look well on me!?
--------------------------------
Take 33
(after Kain rocked forward and shattered his armor, he got teleported back to the door
that led to Azimuth. But 1 room before Kain got in there, he saw a stain glass roof with
the battle between Vorador and Malek)
Kain: (looking up to see it) Christ, they got that done already? It only happened about
an hour ago. (then Kain walked forward and Marcus crashed through the stain glass
roof, landed on Kain, then ran away)
Marcus: You can't catch me!
Kain: Well, that's two times that's happened to me. It's like dejavu, or however that's
said.
____________________________________________________________
Well people, I know it's been a long time since I've updated, but I've been working hard on this and have been a bit lazy. Oh, and I have nothing against Ariel, just had to find some one else to pick on. Hope you loved this chapter and please review!
_____________________________________________
The scene was Kain's throne room and there was a pool nearby. Kain was
talking to everyone about an important event
Kain: Guess what? (the Lieutenants just stare) Ariel is coming to check the progress on
the film! But she's bringing Nupraptor! I get to show her how much better I am than
Battery-powered Head!
Zephon: Battery-powered Head? I don't get it.
(Vorador and Janos come staggering in)
Vorador: (obviously drunk) HEY! You Kain.
Janos: (drunk too) You be DA MAN! KAIN!
Kain: Vorador, how'd you get Janos drunk!
Vorador: I told him it was wine.
Janos: I'm such an idiot! Hahahahahahah! Geehee!
Kain: Riiiiiiiight...
(then in walks three special guests. The first was the actual Ariel, with her lover and
second special guest, Nupraptor. Then the third special guest was some dude they had
found on their travels who was bumbling about conspiracies. His name was Uri Gellar)
Ariel: It's Kain!
Nupraptor: (less excited) Kain.
Uri: I'm special! I can bend spoons with my mind!
Zephon: Oh, KICK ASS! SHOW ME! I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
Uri: Even though you'll probably be filed under a conspiracy, I'll show you!
(then Zephon and Uri walk away, leaving Ariel and Kain and everyone else)
Kain: (whispering to Turel) Turel, what do I say to her?
Turel: (whispering back) Don't worry, I heard this from a song, it's sure to work! (then
Turel whispers to Kain the words to say)
Kain: (to Nupraptor) Hey Battery-powered Head. (then to Ariel, and very seriously
begins to tell Ariel what Turel said he should say) Ariel, I don't want anybody
else...when I think about you...I touch myself.
Ariel: That was so beautiful.
Nupraptor: What!? But he said he touched himself!
Ariel: But that is kind-hearted.
Nupraptor: But I touch myself too when I think of you!
Ariel: (disgusted) That's just nasty.
Kain: (to Turel) Score! Good one Turel!
Turel: Thanks.
Nupraptor: (to Ariel) Well, I got you a gift! (he gives her a gift. It's a battery) Now your
head can glow like mine.
Ariel: Oh, cool! I love you Nupraptor! (to Kain) What present do you have me?
Kain: (worried) Um...uh...well...(looks to Turel and yanks Turel in front of
him)
Ariel: (sarcastically) My very own Turel. Wow.
Kain: No. It's the gift of song. (throws Turel behind him, then whispers to Turel) Make
it something romantic. I don't need any songs about suicide or murder!
Turel: Got it! (thinks to himself) One of my favorite songs! This is gonna be a laugh.
This song is what I think about Ariel.
Kain: (Kain moves his mouth to match the words Turel is singing to make it look like
Kain is the one singing, but with horrible choreography)
So this is our last good-bye
You don't care, so I won't cry
You'll be sorry when I'm dead
Cause all this guilt will be on your head (starts to get PO'ed at Turel)
I GUESS YOU CALL IT SUICIDE! (then Kain quickly turns around and starts to strangle
Turel, sometimes punching him, while Ariel just rolls her eyes annoyed) This situation
couldn't get any worse or any less romantic.
(then Zephon came running in, extremely excited)
Zephon: WHOA MAN! THIS DUDE'S AWESOME MAN! HE, LIKE, BENDS SPOONS WITH
HIS MIND, MAN! WITH JUST HIS MIND! WHOA MAN, IT'S AWESOME! MIND...BEND
SPOON! TOTALLY KICK ASS MAN! (Zephon is still very excited, so he gets a loud
speaker phone and yells in it) DUDE! SPEAKER PHONE! URI BENDING SPOON WITH
MIND! HOW CAN THIS GET ANY BETTER!? (then Zephon runs off screen and then yells
cause he found something to make the day better) MUDDY DOG! LET'S ROLL AROUND!
DUDE, I WANNA BEND A SPOON WITH MY MIND! IT'S AWESOME! SPOON! MIND!
WAHOO!
Kain: (sighs an extremely heavy sigh)
Ariel: Wasn't that one of your sons?
Kain: Kind of...
Ariel: Your sons still live with you?
Kain: Well...he's about to move out. Everyone here is.
Raziel: Really!? You actually want us to move out!?
Kain: No!
Ariel: So you want to be with your children this long?
(then Ariel sees a drunken Vorador and Janos stumbling in)
Janos: We're out of nachos! Buy more!
Ariel: Let me guess, college roommates.
Kain: (starting to get angry) Please just listen...
Ariel: Why do you STILL live with your children? That's sad, especially your mentally
retarded son Zephon. And Vorador and Janos, you live with those two!? What the hell's
wrong with you?
Kain: (furious) SHUT THE HELL UP ARIEL! IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, THEN GET THE HELL
OUT!
Dumah: Our father's defending us! Oh, this is so kick ass.
Kain: Of course my children are living with me, I love my kids! (then realizes what he
just said) Oh dammit, now they know! Besides, I need them here or else nothing would
ever get done! I mean, why should I waste MY muscles when my sons can do
everything for me! (then he points to Vorador and Janos) And sure, they're drunk and
all, but they have an excuse! They're dumbasses! So, you can leave!
Ariel: Fine. Nupraptor, Uri, follow me.
Nupraptor: As you wish.
Uri: No! You've formed a conspiracy to kill me!
Ariel: Fine. Stay. (then she and Nupraptor leave)
Uri: Freaks. (then he starts to try to bend another spoon with his mind again)
Dumah: Wow, you sure won't be getting anything from her.
Kain: Shut up ingrate!
Rahab: Our daddy protected us!
Raziel: That's cause our daddy loves us!
Kain: No, I protected you things because y'all are stupid. I protected Vorador because
he is an old pervert. And I protected Janos cause he's a little wussy pretty-boy. And no
one calls Zephon stupid except his family!
Zephon: Yeah!
Kain: Shut up dumbass! (then Kain gets an idea) Y'know, since I discovered that Ariel is
a total bitch, I'd like to make some revisions to Zephon's costume. Revenge time!
Raziel: Well that can't be good.
Kain: Ok, we start filming soon. I've just got to get Zephon more appropriate Ariel
clothes.
Zephon: Don't say I wear a thong, those hurt!
Kain: Oh, don't worry. (then Kain runs off)
Zephon: I don't think I'll like this.
Rahab: He protected us! When he showed me Vorador's magazine, he wasn't trying to
scar me, he was trying to enlighten me! I love my daddy!
Raziel: Yeah, sure.
Rahab: Then I can still be what I want to be!
Raziel: What's that?
Rahab: It's-(Kain then came rushing in)
Kain: I've just thought of the mostest cruelest prank in the world to pull on Ariel. Let's
start filming!
The filming then started. The scene is the dungeon we left off at, and Kain
just walked in the room with Rahab as Bane, Zephon as Dejoule, and Janos
as Anacrothe
Kain: Aha, three sorcerers. Dejoule the Energyist, Bane the Jewish, and Anacrothe the
Asinine.
Zephon (as Dejoule): (dressed in a robe with long fake hair running down) Hey, you
interrupted our threesome!
Rahab (as Bane): (in just his boxers and balancing a moose head on his head) So, the
scrooge of the Circle has arrived!
Zephon (as Dejoule): Fear him not, ya little pansy! He is but a Welch; his soul is ours
for the stealing! Mwahahahahahahaha!
Janos (as Anacrothe): (in a multi-colored robe with a pot-leaf on it like the kinds on a
hippy's shirt) Screw you guys, I don't wanna die! Malek, help! (then Janos throws a
smoke bomb on the ground with a disappointing 'foof' and the smoke only rose up to
his knees) Damn it! (then Janos just ran away, then he supernaturally quickly changed
into his Malek costume)
Kain: Damn son of a bitch, Anacrothe the Asinine! You don't have to be such an ass! So
that's why he's called the Asinine. (then Kain pulls out a ring. Vorador magically
appears)
Janos (as Malek): (sees Vorador) Vengeance! Vengeance for everything you stupid lazy-
eyed transvestite!
Vorador: Welch! As if you had any idea what eternity is! And I'm not a transvestite! I'm
all about the women!
Janos: That's what all gay people say!
Vorador: Well at least I'm not a hippy! (then Kain punches him and Janos)
Kain: Get back to the script you idiots!
Vorador: Grovel to your true master!
Janos (as Malek): Never! (then in Janos' own words) I'll cut your from your balls to your
nostrils and feed what's left of you to your husbands!
(then Dejoule and Bane run away, then Kain follows them)
Vorador: (in his own words) You ungrateful SOB! I'll kill you!
(then Janos and Vorador fought each other, up until Vorador broke the very cheap
spear-thingy and Malek shot some blue at Vorador, which Vorador misted and tried to
strike Janos, but Janos kicked him in the shin. They both got PO'ed at each other, then
Vorador threw down his weapon and Janos and Vorador bitch-slapped each other
repeatedly)
The scene is outside and there's a swimming pool with Rahab (as Bane)
walking around it and Zephon (as Dejoule is standing on the water)
Kain: (hearing several bitch-slaps, knowing that's not in the script) As Vorador and
Malek fought like little wussy schoolgirls, I chased after Bane and Dejoule...I waltzed
their waltz, but when the time came, they'd get an enima from my sword.
Rahab (as Bane): His magic is crappy! He is an offense to Nature, so let's purify the
smelly bastard!
Zephon (as Dejoule): Burn! Burn baby burn! Disco inferno! (then to himself) Disco is
cool. I wish I could live in that time.
(then Kain armed the Flame Sword, which was just a stick that was on fire, and rushed
at Rahab, who had already digged some of the ground up. Kain saw this, hit Rahab
with the Flame Sword then Rahab looked at himself, now on fire)
Rahab: ...
Kain: (looking at the stick, which had fire running out of control) Oh crap.
Rahab: (finally feeling the pain) AHHHHH!!! IT BURNS! (then Rahab was running
around screaming in endless circles yelling)
Zephon: Rahab! Stop, drop, and roll!
Kain: (seeing the stick completely on fire) Damn, the stick is on fire! (Kain then hit
Rahab repeatedly with the stick, hoping the fire would stick to Rahab, extinguishing the
stick)
Rahab: (while being the crap beat out of him by the stick) Ow! STOP YOU BASTARD,
I'M ON FIRE! (then Rahab continued running around in endless circles)
Zephon: Stop, drop, and roll! That what I always do when I'm on fire! I don't just run in
endless circles screaming like some wussy!
Kain: (finally deciding to throw the stick away) Screw this stick!
Zephon: Um, pretend Rahab's dead and just fight me!
Kain: Good idea! (then Kain snatches the moose head from Rahab, whose still just
standing there screaming)
Zephon (as Dejoule): Haha! Die you pitiful Welch!
Kain: I'll kill you! (then Kain shot an energy bolt at Zephon, and it hit him! Kain was
amazed nothing went wrong) Awesome!
Zephon: Ow! Hey, that hurt!
Kain: It did!? Then it worked! Yahoo! (then Kain repeatedly hit him with energy bolts till
Zephon was curled up on the ground in agony) I win!
Zephon: Ouchies! Somebody help me! (Rahab was still just standing up on fire, but
then the fire went out and Rahab collapsed)
Kain: Yes! (then Kain went over to Zephon and was about to grab the cloak when he
thought of something) If Zephon is naked under this cloak, I'll kill him! (then Kain
grabbed the cloak to reveal...that Zephon was normally dressed under the cloak)
Wow, that's a surprise. (then Kain walked off)
Zephon: (weakly and to himself) Heehe. Of course I'm gonna dress normally, I've kinda
got a date tonight. I've got to give Umah back her silk panties. Hehe, oh I kill myself.
Kain: (holding the moose head) The moose head had broken in the fight, but power still
resided in its...um, there's got to be some power here somewhere. (looks in an eye)
Is that it? No. Oh well, I'll figure it out on my way back to Slut's...I mean Ariel's
place. (looking at the cloak) The cloak was made of fabric, and all the energy was
woven into this cloth. What was Dejoule, Pillar of Fabric Softeners or something?
(as Kain made his way back, he stepped on a teleporter and found a little face mask
painted gray)
Kain: (picking up the face mask) Ah, Malek's helmet. Vorador had finally killed Malek.
(looks at the back of the face mask) Now where the hell's his head?
(then Kain flew back to the Pillars)
The scene is the Pillars of Nosgoth, where Zephon (as Ariel) awaits
(when Kain got there, Zephon had lipstick all around his mouth, a little strip around his
chest, acting as the shirt, with a cigarette in between the fake breasts. He was also
wearing a very small thong, like his character was trying to show as much as possible,
while still looking like a slut)
Kain: (looking at the slutty costume he made for Zephon, then chuckled) The helmet of
Malek I place before the Pillar of Conflict; thus it was restored. At the toes of the
Energy Pillar, I place Dejoule's cloak; thus it was restored. The moose head of the
Jewish Bane I set before another stupid annoying pillar; thus, it...(then gets
annoyed and mocks Raziel's voice) That's it, I grow tiresome of this same refrain; thus
it was restored, thus it was restored.
Zephon (as Ariel): You must find Azimuth the Planar at the throat of Avernus.
Kain: How do you know this, almighty slut?
Zephon (as Ariel): I gave one of the inhabitants a blowjob for info.
Kain: But isn't that unhealthy and disgusting?
Zephon (as Ariel): I'm a slut; I don't care! Oh, and 5 instruments...
Kain: 3 instruments woman.
Zephon (as Ariel): Hey! Don't like being interrupted. Any who, 3 instruments await you,
but first you will have to rise, fall, and...stuff. Oh, and don't forget about your
salvation in between, that's very important!
The scene is now outside of Dark Eden
(Kain has flown to a cave outside Dark Eden, and went through the cave to the other
side. He then walked forward and saw a gate rise, which he went into. There were
metal bars everywhere)
Kain: Where the hell is this? (Kain walked forward to find a pipe on the ground that
went up to Kain's feet) Oh no, now how will I cross this loathsome pipe!
(so then Kain turned to wolf form and walked over it then started flipping switches that
makes pipes turn until he got to another wolf)
Kain: (in wolf form) Rarrr!
Wolf: Meow!
Kain: (in wolf form) Rowrrrr!!!
Wolf: Moo!
Kain: (Kain then turned to Vampire and hit the wolf, which turned out to be a person
disguised as a wolf) You idiot!
Wolf-Person: Do wolves go Moo or did I screw that up?
Kain: You screwed it up! (then Kain kills him and continues on. Eventually, he gets to
the almighty Lightning Spell) With this spell, I call the Heaven's hotline and deliver
lightning to eviscerate my enemies!
(then Kain walks forward and 50 wolves appear and come after Kain)
Kain: Time to use Lightning! (then Kain got out a phone and dialed) Hello I- (then an
answering machine came on)
Answering Machine (with Zeus' voice): Hello, I'm not here right now, but if you want
my services press the number 1. (Kain presses 1) Okay, if a huge demon is eating you
press 1 now. If some Hungarians are killing you press 2 now. (the wolves were now a
few feet away from Kain) If you are killing yourself press 3 now. If you are a vampire
and your Lieutenant son is trying to kill you press 4 now.
Kain: Damn it, get to pack of wolves!
Answering Machine (still Zeus): If some crazy bitch has stolen your clothes and left you
to die press 5 now. (the 50 wolves are now eating Kain) If your hair is on fire press 6
now. If you are being eaten by wolves...
Kain: Yes! What's the number!? (just got his foot chewed on)
Answering Machine (Zeus' voice): If you are being eaten by wolves press...I lost
count, I need to start again.
Answering Machine (Attila the Hun's voice): You're getting to old for this! Let me do
this! What number are we on!?
Answering Machine (Zeus' voice): Um...we just got finished with number 6. It's old
age I tell you, what's next?
Answering Machine (Attila the Hun's voice): The number is 7, you moron!
Kain: Thank you! (then Kain presses 7 and nothing happens) Hey!
Answering Machine (Attila the Hun's voice): Damn it Zeus, can't you do anything right!?
Answering Machine (Zeus' voice): Of course I can! What about Hercules!?
(then the Lightning spell kills all 50 wolves, leaving Kain almost dead)
Answering Machine (Zeus' voice): Nanananana! I told you I could do something right!
Answering Machine (Attila the Hun's voice): I'll sick Hades on your ass!
Answering Machine (Zeus' voice): BRING IT ON!
(then Kain hangs up and wonders out of the Lightning dungeon cave thingy. When Kain
steps out he activates a Bat Beacon and goes up a hill and looks at Avernus)
Kain: Avernus ate itself before mine eyes. (then Kain continued on, killing things,
mutilating things, you know, the usual Kain stuff. Then Kain got to the Avernus gate,
which opened before him) The gate of Avernus opened slowly before me. Well, what a
coincidence, I was just going to Avernus.
(then Kain walked in and found lots of corpses)
Kain: How come these corpses never have any blood left in them? This city is paved in
blood and flesh. This would have appalled me in life, but only made me so very hungry.
(so Kain walked on, pouting about not having any blood to drink, despite the fact that
there were human and guards all over the place. Then Kain noticed that the buildings
were in ruin)
Kain: Whatever destroyed this placed killed its people as well. Maybe I did this
sleepwalking, cause nothing's as reckless and destructive as me!
(Kain went in a ravaged building and saw a demon)
Kain: The beast paused for a moment, drooling in anticipation because it thought it
could kill me! Ha! It wouldn't lay a finger on me!
(then the demon bit Kain's head)
Kain: Ow you bastard! (then Kain killed it and walked on and found a HUGE demon)
Huge Demon: Die you puny little morsel. I have come for your heart! I am your
provider!
Kain: (scared) I'm so gonna die. (then Kain poked the HUGE demon with the Flame
Stick...I mean Flame Sword. Just that little poke killed it. Then Kain was suddenly
confident again) Yeah! I made it! Now nothing can hurt me! (then one of those
annoying little shadow things came up and poked his toe) Ow, crap, that hurt!
(so Kain went around all the ruined buildings but then found one that stood out from
the rest. A cathedral that wasn't harmed at all)
The scene is now the Silenced Cathedral dressed up as the aforementioned
Cathedral
Zephon: I'm the one who came up with that idea. I'm brilliance incarnated, what can I
say?
(Kain walked inside the Cathedral, which wasn't destroyed at all)
Kain: Avernus was a religious autophcracy, and this here cathedral was is biasis of
power, so them thar demons knew not to bite the hand that feeds them.
(Kain wandered around, got teleported a lot and pressed buttons on machines)
Kain: What are mechanical things like this doing here?
(shut up, you're making this complicated. Anyway, he finally got 3 different doors to
open near the end of the Cathedral, but before he could go, 2 cloak-wearing wizards
appeared before him and they got out books)
Kain: (sees the books) Ahhh!!! Get those blasted things away from me! Books can kill!
(then a cloak-wearer opened the book and fire hit Kain) Hey, books really DO kill!
Reading sucks! Look how well I'm doing and I haven't read an entire book in my life or
unlife! Reading is bad! Die you spawns of satan! (then Kain tears up the books) (to the
cloak-wearers) Ha! You can't harm me now! (then they just got out more books) (in an
irritated tone) No, not again! (then Kain Spirit Deathed them)
(after he killed them, he went into the left door which led to a teleporter. Kain stepped
on the teleporter and was teleported to Heaven, where he would eventually find the
Soul Reaver)
Kain: (looking around the white room) Where am I? (then Kain wanders forward some,
just to meet Attila the Hun) Now I know where I am. (to Attila) Hey, what are YOU
doing here!?
Attila the Hun: Got any chicken?
Kain: No.
Attila the Hun: Oh, ok. Rock on dude! (then Attila the Hun wandered away)
Kain: Wow, that was weird. (then Kain went on, getting shot by arrows, beat up by
some guards and got temporarily maimed by a maiming bird till he finally found it-he
found the Soul Reaver)
(the Soul Reaver just stood there, then Kain picked it up)
Kain: (holding the Soul Reaver, which was the real Soul Reaver by the way, not a fake
one) Time fades away, even legend, whatever that meant. Anyway, the origin of the
Soul Reaver has long since been forgotten, but its purpose remains-to feed on the souls
of anything it touches. We're kin, this blade and I! (then Kain swung the Soul Reaver,
but since it's so heavy it flies out of his hand and lands through his foot) Well, the
bottom of my shoe is gone.
(then Kain walks around with the Soul Reaver through his foot till he finally stops
because his nerve endings tell him something)
Kain: Ow!!! Get IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! OUCH!
(then Kain started crying from the pain, then cried some more because his tears burnt
him. After Kain's trip to the hospital, the filming started again. Then Kain walks through
a teleporter and goes through another door, leading to hell. Kain walked forward while
in Hell, then noticed something. There was no fire or redness at all in Hell. Everything
was blue and there was lots of ice)
Kain: (very annoyed sigh) What dumbass left the A/C on in Hell!? (sarcastically) Great,
thanks! (then seriously and PO'ed) Now Hell is FROZEN OVER! LITERALLY! Damn it!
Now we can't do this scene, and I had SO MUCH planned for this scene! Just give me
the frickin' armor! (Rahab rushed in and gave Kain the Wraith Armor, which was just a
jumpsuit painted black, but now it was a frozen suit. Kain put it on) This is cold. And it's
seriously riding up on me and uncomfortable and freezing me where it hurts. GET ME
OUT OF HERE!
(after Kain rocked forward and shattered his armor, he got teleported back to the door
that led to Azimuth. But 1 room before Kain got in there, he saw a stain glass roof with
the battle between Vorador and Malek)
Kain: (looking up to see it) Christ, they got that done already? It only happened about
an hour ago. (then Kain entered the room with Azimuth. Azimuth wasn't played by
Zephon! Instead Azimuth was played by Janos. The costume was a blue thong with a
blue cape and a big, orange ring around the neck) I think I'd prefer to see Zephon
there instead of you.
Janos (as Azimuth): AH, WHAT'S THIS!? MINE DIDN'T NOT EVEN KNOW THAT THERE
SOUL REAVER AND ARMOR EXISTEED. YOU WEAR THOSE TRINKETS WELL KAIN, BUT
THEY'D LOOK BETTERER ON MINE BODY!
Kain: The matrix of Avernus, the Lady Azimuth. She could summon demons!
(then the battle commenced. Kain walked toward Janos with the Soul Reaver)
Janos (as Azimuth): Come to me my children! We shall ravage Nosgoth together! Oh,
and Kain, you'll never kill me! (then Kain killed Azimuth with one swipe of the Soul
Reaver. Then he picked up a third eye)
Kain: What the hell's this for? (Kain walked into another room and found a Toy Truck)
Hm?
Zephon (as Ariel's voice): It shan't deliver you in time.
Kain: I though it was shall. (then Kain left and was outside of a castle. He could see a
Voice Recorder on the ground and he ran to it, only to be forced into bat form and fly
away from it) Aw crap, now I'll never know what I says! (Kain arrived at the Pillars with
a slutty-looking Ariel)
Zephon (as Ariel): (sees the Toy Truck) Ah, you have found Moebius' toy. He got that
when he turned 49 and its his favorite toy. Many a time he'd pretend he was a fireman,
pretending that toy truck was his own personal Fire Truck. The Legions of the Nemesis
are on there way and you must stop them!
Kain: How can one stop an army?
Zephon (as Ariel): Rally together Willendork's troops; you are now Nosgoth's only hope!
Kain: We're all gonna die. Cut! (then the filming stops and is over)
__________________________________________________
Kain: That sure took forever. (to Rahab) Hey Rehab, can you arrange a prank wedding?
Rahab: What're you gonna do?
Kain: Trust me. And bring Ariel here. Time to get married. (then he does that creepy
laugh of his)
Rahab: This can't be good.
(a marriage was arranged and the Lieutenants were all there, Uri was there, Kain and
Ariel of course were there, and Nupraptor was there. Kain and Ariel was walking up the
aisle)
Ariel: I'm so glad I marrying you. Now you can pay everything while I just lye around.
Oh, and we're gonna have to do something with your place. How about how wonderful
purple curtains. Oh, and we're gonna have to do something with your kids. They're
horrible, especially Zephon and Raziel. Maybe we should castrate Zephon.
Kain: (in disbelief) What!?
Ariel: You're gonna have to get your stupid act together. I don't want to have to divorce
you if you won't be my slave, but I might. Oh, and you'll have to do something with
your voice. How about we get you an Elvis voice box?
Kain: (incredible furious)...
Rahab: Will you kiss the bride?
Raziel (whispering to Rahab): What's Kain gonna do?
Rahab (whispering back): Don't know.
(then Kain and Ariel kiss. Kain says he needs to go to his room right quick and that Ariel
should meet him there. Kain leaves, followed by Ariel)
Zephon: I don't want that bitch as a mom. She wants to castrate me! She's gone too
far!
(Ariel walked into Kain's room and found Kain in bed with Umah)
Ariel: (extremely mad) WHAT!!!???
Kain: Oh, yeah, Ariel. About the wedding and all...I WAS ONLY KIDDING!
Ariel: (PO'ed) Kain...
Kain: I can't believe you fell for that! I mean, you're such a bitch. Now, if you ever try
to castrate Zephon or put my family and friends down again, you'll receive worse. Now
leave, oh and, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FELL FOR THAT, YOU'RE SO GULLABLE!
(then Ariel stormed off)
Umah: That's the only reason you wanted me in bed!? Fine, I'm leaving! (then Umah
left)
Kain: Aw, damn.
Zephon: I LOVE MY DADDY!
Uri Gellar: Your dad's awesome! He's not a conspiracy! Heheha!
Kain: Ok, from now on, you kids are on your own. Learn from the best!
Bloopers ----------------------------------------
Take 1
Janos (as Anacrothe): (in a multi-colored robe with a pot-leaf on it like the kinds on a
hippy's shirt) Screw you guys, I don't wanna die! Malek, help! (then Janos throws a
smoke bomb on the ground but it turns out not to be a smoke bomb. Dumah switched
it with a fire cracker, which pops on Janos' foot) OW! DAMN DUMAH! (then Janos
punches Dumah in the groin then punches Dumah in the face, making Dumah land in
the pool)
Rahab: Woah! Don't upset Janos.
-----------------------------------------
Take 5
Janos (as Malek): Never! (then in Janos' own words) I'll cut your from your balls to your
nostrils and feed what's left of you to your husbands!
(then Dejoule and Bane run away, then Kain follows them)
Vorador: (in his own words) You ungrateful SOB! I'll kill you!
(then Janos kicks him in the side and kicks Vorador into the water)
Kain: Will you please stop beating everyone up, Janos?
--------------------------------------
Take 9
Rahab: (while being the crap beat out of him by the stick) Ow! STOP YOU BASTARD,
I'M ON FIRE! (then Rahab continued running around in endless circles)
Zephon: Stop, drop, and roll! That what I always do when I'm on fire! (then Kain
decides to set Zephon on fire)
Kain: Do it.
Zephon: (on fire) AHH!! (then Zephon leans over and dumps his head in the wated to
get the fire off his head, then Zephon realizes something) IT BURNS!!!
-------------------------------------
Take 15
Kain: (in wolf form) Rarrr!
Wolf: Meow!
Kain: (in wolf form) Rowrrrr!!!
Wolf: Moo!
Kain: (Kain then turned to Vampire and hit the wolf, which turned out to be a person
disguised as a wolf) You idiot!
Wolf-Person: Do wolves go Moo or did I screw that up?
Kain: You screwed that up you idiot!
Wolf-Person: Can't we just leave that part in?
Kain: No! (then Wolf-Person chomps onto Kain's leg) Ow! Ok, we can leave that part in!
-------------------------------
Take 19
Kain: Thank you! (then Kain presses 7 and nothing happens) Hey!
Answering Machine (Attila the Hun's voice): Damn it Zeus, can't you do anything right!?
Answering Machine (Zeus' voice): Of course I can! What about Hercules!?
(then the Lightning spell kills all 50 wolves, leaving Kain almost dead)
Answering Machine (Zeus' voice): Nanananana! I told you I could do something right!
Answering Machine (Attila the Hun's voice): I'll sick Hades on your ass!
Answering Machine (Zeus' voice): BRING IT ON!
Answering Machine (Attila the Hun's voice): Where's Hades!?
Answering Machine (Hades' voice): Here I am. I'm cold.
Answering Machine (Attila's voice): Where have you been?
Answering Machine (Hades' voice): In Hell. I broke the A/C.
--------------------------------
Take 23
Kain: How come these corpses never have any blood left in them? This city is paved in
blood and flesh. This would have appalled me in life, but only made me so very hungry.
Raziel: What's up with the diagonal words?
Kain: That makes them more dramatic.
Raziel: Sure it does Captain Kirk.
Kain: What (pauses) does that (pauses) mean?
--------------------------------
Take 29
Janos (as Azimuth): AH, WHAT'S THIS!? MINE DIDN'T NOT EVEN KNOW THAT THERE
SOUL REAVER AND ARMOR EXISTEED. YOU WEAR THOSE TINKLES LOOK WELL ON
YOU KAIN-
Kain: Those WHAT look well on me!?
--------------------------------
Take 33
(after Kain rocked forward and shattered his armor, he got teleported back to the door
that led to Azimuth. But 1 room before Kain got in there, he saw a stain glass roof with
the battle between Vorador and Malek)
Kain: (looking up to see it) Christ, they got that done already? It only happened about
an hour ago. (then Kain walked forward and Marcus crashed through the stain glass
roof, landed on Kain, then ran away)
Marcus: You can't catch me!
Kain: Well, that's two times that's happened to me. It's like dejavu, or however that's
said.
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Well people, I know it's been a long time since I've updated, but I've been working hard on this and have been a bit lazy. Oh, and I have nothing against Ariel, just had to find some one else to pick on. Hope you loved this chapter and please review!