Disclaimer: I don't own LoK or any of its characters and all that stupid
stuff
_____________________________________________
The scene is Kain's throne room
Zephon (watching Uri bend a spoon): You've seriously got to teach me to do that.
Dumah: You'd need to be smart first.
Raziel: Well, he's smarter than you!
Dumah: No he's not!
(Turel came running up to them, half-excited, half-scared)
Turel: Rahab is coming! You might not like this!
Melchiah: What's that supposed to mean?
(then Rahab walked in, dressed entirely in black, holding a book in his left hand, has a
heard, wearing glasses, and a black hat)
Rahab: Hello, brother Raziel.
Dumah: (look of disbelief)...
Raziel: (disbelief, looking at Rahab) Rahab, what the hell are you?
Rahab: No, brother Raziel, don't say the 'H' word, it singes mine eyes. I am a rabbi.
Zephon: Oh my lord, are you insane?!
Rahab: Don't speak of the lord like that, my little bother Zephon!
Turel: Hey guys, what'll Kain do?
Raziel: He'll kill him!
Melchiah: Get out of town!
Turel: Run away!
Dumah: No, wait! Stay. Show Kain your new profession, this should be quite
interesting...hehehehe.
Turel: Dumah, are you insane!?
(then Kain walked in and spotted Rahab)
Kain: ...
Rahab: Hello, bother Kain. Your aura is looking brighter today.
Kain: ...
Rahab: I sense something is bothering you, brother Kain.
Kain: (disbelief)...
Rahab: Your aura is getting deeper. Here, let me clean your soul. (pours holy water on
him, not realizing it hurts him) There, don't you feel more cleansed.
Kain: (the pain hasn't quit gotten to him, because he's too PO'ed)...
Dumah: Is something going to happen or what? I want to see a fight.
Rahab: Speak, brother Kain, or are you at loss of words to describe your delight about
having your spirit cleansed?
Kain: (pale face turning red)...!
Rahab: Brother Dumah, do you know what's wrong?
Dumah: Nothing's wrong! Hehehehe! In fact, he's so glad he's speechless. Shower him
with more gifts.
Rahab: Good idea, brother Dumah.
Turel: (to Dumah) If you don't stop this, I'll kill you myself.
Rahab: How about a deeper cleansing? I can make it so you won't long for the desires
of the flesh. Or for those dirty desires of sex.
Kain: (right eye starts twitching)...
Rabah: Is that a yes, bother Kain? Broth-
Kain: NO!!! WHAT THE HELL'S GOTTEN INTO YOU!? WHO ARE YOU!?
Rahab: I am your son brother Kain.
Kain: YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT!
Dumah: Now this is the good stuff.
Kain: DO YOU WANT ALL OF US VAMPIRES DEAD!!?
Dumah: Vampires are unholy creatures! They should all be slain!
Kain: YOU'RE A VAMPIRE TOO DUMBASS!!!
Rahab: Ah, such language hurts! I'm a vampire! Someone kill me!
Kain: RIGHT! I WILL! (Kain dives to kill Rahab, but Uri intercepts him)
Uri: You needn't kill your son. It's those damn aliens turning your son like this. The
truth is out there!
Kain: (slightly confused) WHAT!? WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL HERE ANYWAY!?
Uri: (to the sky) You damn aliens, I know you're up there somewhere! Fix this boy
Rahab!
Zephon: Whoa, Uri is so gonna be my role model.
Kain: (to Uri) What are you, some kinda freak!
Uri: What!? Don't call me a freak!
Kain: Freak, freak, freak, freak, freak!
Uri: Don't get me angry!
Kain: You can't do anything but bend spoons!
Uri: (hurt) Ah!
Zephon: (hurt too) He can to you bastard!
Dumah: Ahahahaha! This is hilarious! I gotta tape this! (then Dumah starts taping the
argument)
Kain: That's right! All your can do is bend a spoon, like some stupid Pokemon thing!
Uri: I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!
Zephon: We'll rock you, Kain!
Kain: Bring it on Uri!
Uri: Die!
Rahab: People, stop this!
Kain: Let's fight!
(Kain rushes at Uri with his three-punch combo, which Uri very easily evades, and
counterattacks back by kicking Kain twice in the ribs very quickly, hurting Kain)
Kain: Ow! Vampires are stronger!
(then Kain moves to kick Uri, but before he can, Uri drop-kicks Kain. Kain scrambles
back up, looks at Uri, and charges at him. Uri simply jump-kicks Kain, sending him to
the ground again)
Uri: You trust your eyes to much Kain; you're not a chameleon you know, you can't see
everywhere at once!
Kain: (getting up) Immolate!
Uri: Rverse Immolate!
Kain: What!? (the immolate spell bounces off Uri and immolated Kain, sending him to
the ground) (weakly) Reverse Immolate?
Uri: Bring it on!
Kain: Gladly!
(then Kain rushed up, jumped over Uri, then started Berserking Uri, who just dodged
the hits, then when it came to the last slow-motion hit, Uri spun in the air and smashed
his foot on Kain's head in slow motion, making Kain flip backward, so Uri punched Kain
while Kain was still in the air, then Kain landed)
Zephon: Whoa, neat-o!
Rahab: This is simply dreadful!
(then Kain got up and tried again to kick Uri, and Uri simply grabbed Kain's leg and
threw Kain into one of the Pillars. Kain got up, jump-kicked at Uri, Uri ducked, and Kain
slammed into Kain's own throne)
Uri: You missed.
Kain: You're someone I'll never forgive! Die!
Dumah: This is classic!
(then Kain done a punch-kick combo, Uri blocked every hit, then hit Kain in the shin
and elbowed his back)
Kain: How can a freaky human beat me up?
Uri: Had enough?
Kain: Not until I win! (then Uri imitated a crane) What the...? You look so stupid!
(Uri imitated a crane that flew over to Kain, and poked Kain's eyes)
Kain: Go to hell!
Uri: Die!
Rahab: STOP IT!!!!!!!
(everything stopped. The Lieutenants starred at Rahab, Kain stopped and looked at
Rahab, and Uri stopped and looked at Rahab. Uri was bitting Kain's esophagus at the
time)
Rahab: Don't you see what is happening? Everyone is getting torn apart! Let's all praise
one another and stop this fighting!
Zephon: (teary-eyed) Rahab is right! (to Rahab) Bless you Rahab!
Turel: Rahab is right! (to Dumah) I love you my brother Dumah!
Melchiah: Group hug?
Raziel: Group hug! (all the Lieutenants group hugged)
Uri: You know Kain, he's right! I love you my friend Kain!
Kain: And I love you too, Uri! (then Kain punches his nose)
Uri: You son of a bitch! (then Uri kicked Kain in the groin, spun around to make his next
kick more powerful, and kicked Kain out of Kain's throne room, who then landed in
water)
Rahab: I say, let us film!
Dumah: Yay! I love you guys!
The scene is back where Kain was before he was forced to fly off to meet
Ariel. Kain was finally able to get to the Voice Recorder
Voice Recorder (with Kain's voice on it): The specter of Ariel led me to Willendorf. If I
was to defeat the next member of the Circle, I needed to understand his machinations.
With this vague advice in mind, I set forth on the road to Willendorf.
Kain: Okay, when I first saw this thing, I was hoping for something cool, then I was
forced to fly away, leaving suspense as to what cool things THIS VOICE RECORDER
would play. And that was all it said? That's lame and boring!
(so Kain walked forward then got to a cliff leading down. In front of it was a scarecrow
with a bunch of crows on it)
Kain: Some scarecrow, can't even keep crows away! (then a crow flew at Kain)
(sarcastically) Oh no, a crow, I'm really scared! Hahahaha! (then the crow poked Kain
in the eye) Ow, you SoB! (then Kain killed the crow with the Soul Reaver) There, no
more crows. (then another crow came and Kain killed it, and that pattern went on with
the next 563 crows, then Kain was getting weak) Stomach's caving in. Must eat!
(while Kain kept getting bit by crows, Kain had a thought. He would eat a crow! A crow
flew at him and with super speed, Kain caught the crow and ate it)
Kain: (surprised at the taste) Wow, this is damn good crow! Yum, crow. (then Kain
caught another crow and started eating it) Hey, I have my crow...and I'm eating it!
(then Kain walked over to the scarecrow with crows on it) Hey, so that's where they're
coming from! I'm taking this with me!
(so Kain took the scarecrow with him and wondered down some more cliffs till he got to
this strange set of teepees. He walked over to them, still carrying the scarecrow and
occasionally eating more crow)
Dumah (as Mortanius): Stupid, isn't it Kain? That one cannot quite accept the thing that
sustains him.
Kain: (confused, then looking at the crow legs sticking out of his mouth) What, crows?
Dumah (as Mortanius): No, not crows you stupid idiot! Death! We can't sustain death!
Kain: (while eating a crow) What's sustain mean? (then Kain spat out the crow he was
eating) Yuck, that crow tasted like tin foil!
Dumah (as Mortanius): Death cannot rule in a world without LIFE! This next crest is
yours and yours alone. I cannot help you any more.
Kain: (plucking a feather) You've said that already.
Dumah (as Mortanius): What?
Kain: Well, when I was going to Dark Eden, you said you couldn't help me anymore
then either. So supposedly you haven't come back.
Dumah (as Mortanius): (confused) Um...
Kain: So you're not here now. So, who are you? (then he eats another crow) Yum,
tastes like chicken.
Dumah: You're right. Who am I anyway? I shall caste aside this role as Mortanius and
find out who I really am! (then Dumah walked off the set to think)
Kain: (irritated) Aw, damn it Dumah!
(then Kain goes to the edge of a mountain and looks down and sees Willendorf)
Kain: Ah, the mighty castle Willowdwarf, the proud, aragant, vain, egotistical defender
of the realm with its Soldiers of Hope and their mighty ruler King Ottmar! The Lion
Throne had held my alliance, but damn, this isn't any Lion Throne! This is more like
Third World Country Throne! Willowdwarf is now nothing more than the getto!
(then Kain sees a river leading into town)
Kain: Wow, I get to go swimming! (Kain rushes to the water, puts his foot in, it burns,
pulls his foot out) IT BURNS! AHHH! What to do?
(so Kain made sure he had several Hearts of Darkness's, then he ran across the water,
getting repeatedly burned and hurt and by the time he got to shore, he had used 53
Hearts of Darkness's, and it had probably been the most pain he had had in his life. He
walked up to two Soldiers of Hope in his Disguise as a gigolo)
Soldier of Hope 1: None shall pass.
Kain: What?
Soldier of Hope 2: None shall pass.
Kain: Why not!?
Soldier of Hope 1: A gigolo has no business here.
Kain: Are you telling me this costume isn't sophisticated enough?
Soldier of Hope 2: Yes.
Kain: Why do you think that?
Soldier of Hope 1: You show too much.
Kain: (very PO'ed) Are you telling me that I WALKED ACROSS THAT BED OF WATER,
GOT THE HELL BURNED OUT OF ME FOR NOTHING!?!?
Soldier of Hope 1: Yeah.
Kain: You SON OF A BITCH! (then Kain walked back to where he was before he walked
across the lake, still getting burned going back)
Soldier of Hope 2: He was very rude.
Soldier of Hope 1: Yes, he was.
Soldier of Hope 2: I hope he lightens up.
Soldier of Hope 1: I hope we get a raise.
Soldier of Hope 2: I hope I got a pigeon for my birthday.
Soldier of Hope 1: I hope I get a shrubbery for Christmas.
Soldier of Hope 2: I hope I get some at the Christmas party. I hope you know what I
mean.
Soldier of Hope 1: I hope I'll eventually know what you mean.
Soldier of Hope 2: I hope you noticed we hope a lot.
Soldier of Hope 1: I hope you noticed we hope a lot because we are Soldiers of Hope.
Soldier of Hope 2: I hope...oh yeah, I never noticed that!
(so Kain went back on course looking for a cave because everything last thing he
needed was obviously in dangerous caves. Kain finally came to a cave, but Soldier of
Hope 3 stood in his way)
Kain: Get outta my way, you stupid hippy! I request an audience with this cave!
Soldier of Hope 3: I hope none shall pass.
Kain: Well, why not!
Soldier of Hope 3: I hope we shan't duel!
Kain: I have permission!
Soldier of Hope 3: I hope no you don't.
Kain: (slightly confused) Too bad for you, it's not like I don't need whatever's in there.
Soldier of Hope 3: I hope yes you do.
Kain: (getting confused) I hope yes you do? What's that mean? Speak English!
Soldier of Hope 3: I hope I am speaking English!
Kain: Well, you're NOT!
Soldier of Hope 3: I hope yes I am!
Kain: (very confused) What?! Listen just get out of my way!
Soldier of Hope 3: I hope I'm not in your way.
Kain: Well you are!
Soldier of Hope 3: I hope but I'm not. (K ain draws out his Soul Reaver, while the
Soldier talks on, oblivious of Kain anymore) I hope I mean, I'm not in your way. I hope
you're the rude one. I hope-(then Kain slit his throat with the Soul Reaver and there
was much rejoicing)
(Kain then went into the cave and found a room with a human and an ability card)
Kain: What's up with these stupid ability CARDS? It's like some stupid anime. (then Kain
possessed the human, who got Kain the card) (looking at the card) Spirit Rack. With
this spell, I...possess the 'rack' of a spirit? What the hell?
(then Vorador comes rushing in holding a card, snatches Kain's card, and gives Kain
Vorador's card)
Vorador: Soory, wrong Spirit Wrack. I knew something was wrong when I didn't feel
really...I think I'll stop there. Bye. (then Vorador rushes away)
Kain: (holding the Spirit Wrack card, then thinks of what just happened) Oh, I really
don't want to know.
(then Kain got to a ledge with a creature and a switch on the other side)
Kain: Die! (Kain shot an Energy Bolt at the creature, killing it) Hahahha! (then sees the
switch he can't reach) Aw, damn it! Now how am I supposed to get that switch? That's
it, I'm leaving!
(Kain left the room, and then a knife hurler hit him, sending him back in the room. The
creature he had killed had magically reappeared)
Kain: Well I'll be damned. How'd that happen? (then Kain, being the sadist that he is,
killed the creature once more) Aha! I killed you! Now how do I get to the switch? Well,
fine! I guess I won't get to the switch! (then in a whiny voice) But I wanna get to the
switch! Fine, I'll leave!
(so Kain left with his newfound Spirit Wrack that he has no clue whatsoever on how to
use. Kain was once again outside and saw a sign that said Willendorf)
Kain: (looking at the sign, not reading it because he doesn't know how to read) Mighty
Willowdwarf had sliced open the belly of Earth to perform a cesarean section...Ew!
Nasty! That's just gross! Freak-nasty!
(so Kain stumbled around, trying to figure out where to go next...)
Kain: I do that a lot, huh?
(then Kain found another cave)
Kain: Cripe! I'm getting tired of all these caves!
(so Kain entered...)
Kain: No. I'm no goin' in that stupid cave!
(I said Kain entered...)
Kain: No! You'll have to force me!
(Ok. So, I relocated Kain in the cave...)
Kain: Cheater.
(so that Kain could find a way to Willendorf. On the ground was a picture of the Beguile
spell)
Kain: Oh yay, I get to dress up again. At least this time, I'll look like royalty.
(so Kain walked into another part of the cave and he found himself behind a mine cart
that was on tracks and about 15 people, half of them Soldiers of Hope, in front of the
mine cart)
Kain: Oh yeah! (then Kain pushes the mine cart forward, squishing the 15 enemies) I'm
gonna like this place!
(so Kain walks forward and navigates the cave, mowing down enemies with mine carts
and various other things and even picking up a mine carts and smashing people with it
up until he realizes he isn't that strong and has to drop it on himself. Well, he finally got
to a Blood Fountain)
Special Guest Faustus (as Blood Fountain): (Elvis-sounding groans) Hey, baaaaa-aaaby!
Where's my cheeseburger? (Elvis-sounding groans again)
Kain: (surprised) FAUSTUS!? WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE!?
Faustus: Well, I gotta reprise my role as King Ottmar! (Faustus comes out dressed like
Elvis) Stylish, no?
Kain: NO! Let me just drink my blood! (then Kain drinks the blood)
Faustus (as Blood Fountain): (sounding like Elvis) You, baby, have drunken me out, and
now, you are da stylish one with the Beguile spell, ohoohoohoo-oo.
Kain: Good. I'm leaving now. (Kain walks outside the door of the cave to find himself in
a town, then he thinks of something) I have once heard a secret that a tomb contained
a forefather to King Ottmar himself. And these should also be a fountain of blood to
make me look more noble! (then realizes he just done all that stuff) Crap, now I
remember! (then Kain casts his Beguile spell)
(so Kain walks down the street in his Beguile costume)
Guard 1: (seeing Kain's costume) It's royalty! Royalty is here!
Peasant: (seeing Kain's costume then bowing down) I'll shine your boots for you, my
lord!
Guard 2: (seeing Kain's costume) Anything you want my loving lord, you can get!
(Kain stood there, extremely PO'ed and wondering why his Beguile costume gave him a
royal status. The Beguile costume was a Care Bears costume, and he felt stupid
wondering around looking like a care bear with some gay symbol on his costume's
stomach)
Peasant 2: (sees Kain) My lord, can you spare a penny? (Kain pushes her away) I'm
glad to have such a caring lord stop by!
Guard 3: Aw, isn't that lord (pointing to Kain) just the cutest and most angelic thing
you've ever seen?
Peasant 3: Aw, he's so adorable! He's a spitting image of Ottmar's father!
Guard 4: (down on his knees in front of Kain) I'm so glad a lord has visited us,
especially such a cute darling one! Let me shine your boots! (then Kain kicked him) I
know that was a kick of kindness and love. I love you since you care about us all and
you're such a swell guy!
(so Kain wandered further, at the same time feeling incredibly stupid, until he got to the
most horrid thing in all of Nosgoth-the dreaded library!)
Kain: (looking at the books)(with a disgusted and horrified tone) The horrid library of
Willowdwarf. Filled with terrifying monstrous books made by stuck-up old tits who
works that no one could give two damns about except themselves. This place is scary.
(so Kain wandered around his own version of hell, the library, and found a person. Kain
was still dressed as a Care Bear)
Peasant 4: (sees the Care Bear) Hey, you sexy bear. The nights can get cold around
here, and I can help 'stroke your fur' if you know what I mean...
Kain: You sick bastard. You'd have sex with a bear. What've you got to say for yourself?
Peasant 4: Hey, you se-(then Kain killed her and laughed, but for some odd,
unexplainable reason, her voice kept on talking)-xy bear. The nights can get cold
around here, and I can help 'stroke your fur' if you know what I mean...
Kain: (amazed) Whoa. I gotta try this again! (so Kain wandered around the library and
found Peasant 5)
Peasant 5: (to Kain) That fo-(then Kain killed him, and his voice also mysteriously
continued)-ol Ottmar does nothing but sit on his back-side all day while we die! That
bastard!
Kain: Whoa, this is so neat-o!
(then Kain continued wandering around the library till he found a book and picked it up)
Kain: (looks reading level of the book) Hey, the reading level's Pre- Kindergarten! I can
read this! (he opens the book and there are pop-out pictures) Neat-o! Pictures! This
book tells of a small occult from Nosgoth's past. Wherever they traveled, human
possession would follow. (stops reading the book) This is boring.
(Kain putted the book back-)
Kain: There's no such word a putted!
(I say there is! Now shut up! Anyway, Kain continued killing people and listening to
their dead voices till he found a book that he had to get)
Kain: Curious George!
(so Kain grabbed the Curious George book and proceeded to steal the book till he
realized that he was lost in the library)
Kain: Oh, where are we? (starts reading his book) I love that monkey!
(Kain just sort of strolled while reading the book, strolled out of the library and strolled
all the way to King Ottmar's castle. And all this time Kain was reading the book and
Kain thought he was just walking in circles, so in other words, he was unconsciously
walking)
Kain: (reading the book out loud) ...and Curious George ate the ice cream. The end.
(closing the book) God, that was good! (looks and sees he's outside of Ottmar's castle)
Um...where the hell am I?
(the doors open before him, but before he could go in, Soldiers of Hope 4- 15 stepped in
front of here)
Soldier of Hope 4: I hope yin-yang.
Soldier of Hope 12: (to the aforementioned) I hope I hope yin-yang? I hope what's that
mean?
Kain: Arghh!!! Not these people again! (got out a phone) Hello, heaven hot- line?
Zeus: (on the other end of the phone) Yes?
Kain: Okay, I want no BS this time! Just kill them!
Soldier of Hope 7: (to Soldier of Hope 14) I hope cut your own head off!
Soldier of Hope 6: I hope you're glad you don't have to sleep next to him!
Soldier of Hope 14: I hope what do you mean?
Soldier of Hope 6: (to Soldier of Hope 14) I hope you snore.
Kain: (to Zeus) Listen, I don't care about your personal life!
Zeus: (to Kain) Hercules was such a fine lad and now he's run off! I miss him so!
Boohoohoo! I MISS MY SON!
Kain: THAT'S IT!
(Kain crushed the phone and Imploded Soldiers of Hope 4-15. Kain then went into the
castle and looked around)
Kain: The castle of King Ottmar; sunglasses of my former existence. Proud and also
ego-maniac, surrounded by all the finery in the world and all the women wore highly
visible thongs. They were secure in their stupidity. As I walked along them, I smirked,
thinking of the...(then notices he isn't walking. He tries to walk, but can't) Aw, crap!
My feet have fallen asleep. Could someone carry me?
Soldier of Hope 16: I hope okay.
(the Soldier of Hope 16 carried Kain to a doorway where a jester stopped him)
Zephon (as jester): (sounding like a high Japanese school-girl) The king sees no one.
He's weeping like a little titty-baby right now!
Kain: Out of the way, peasant! The stench of the fields hangs over you like a pall!
...what the hell's a pall? Anyway, he'll be crying like a little wussy for his kingsom
soon! And he'll be mourning for you sooner! (Kain, of course, not looking very
frightening since he's being carried like a baby. Picture it in your mind. Then Kain
immolated jester and the Soldier of Hope 16 just plopped Kain on the ground and left)
Faustus (as King Ottmar): (and dressed up like J-Lo because he thought it was stylish)
A birthday present. To celebrate her sweet 21, I declared a contest. Whoever created
the finest...spoon in the realm would be granted a royal favor. Hundreds of spoons
were brought, but the winner was obvious. Elzevir the Spoon-Bender bent a spoon of
such beauty that all were captivated by it. And all he would take in payment was a lock
of her hair. Soon after she became a lifeless puppet-
Kain: (interrupting) (sarcastically) Well, let's see! He for some reason wanted a lock of
her hair!? Why would anyone want a lock of hair if they weren't gonna do voodoo or
something!? You're so stupid you deserve what happened!
Fautus (as King Ottmar): Whoever restores her to her former self shall receive this
kingdom!
Kain: Hot damn! I've gotta find this spoon-bender!
(then Kain walked away and Faustus looked up)
Fautus: Oowee, I look sharp! Next I need to dress up as Cher, then Evil Kenevel!
(Kain then reached a tunnel what would take him to the suspected area. Inside of the
tunnel, Kain encountered Soldiers of Hope 17-24)
Kain: Good day to you.
Soldier of Hope 23: I hope die!
Kain: Wait a minute, I'm on your side! I'm trying to help the king!
Soldier of Hope 17: I hope oh, okay.
Soldier of Hope 20: I hope die anyway!
Kain: You SOB.
(so Kain was forced to kill them all. When he emerged from the tunnel, he was in front
of a castle-thingy. Kain went forward, killing things...and stuff. Afterwards, he
emerged outside of a town with a sign saying 'Stahlberg')
Kain: (looking at the sign) Ah Stalemate, one of the most academic places in all of
Nosgoth. I won't weep over tombs, but...(Kain then saw a tomb of one of his
friends) (then in a manly tone) Nope, I won't weep. Only little babies weep. (then in a
childish tone) I can't weep. It will...show...I'm...weak. (then Kain cried over
the tomb) Damn it, I'm such a woman right now! (then Kain cried even harder because
his tears burnt him) (then in his normal voice) Oh well, he was an ass anyway.
(then Kain wandered into the town full of dead people and monsters)
Kain: Ah, I little bit of paradise...
(so Kain wandered about, killing everything and drinking blood and left this place and
came upon a castle with a giant statue of Umah with a Soul Reaver in front of the
castle)
Kain: (looking at the statue with an evil grin) Ah, King William the Just. I can't wait!
(since Kain couldn't get into the castle, he just went left and found a gate with a spoon
outside the gate)
Kain: What the hell is a spoon doing here? (then the spoon hopped up and hit Kain on
the forehead, hurting him badly) Ow! What the-
(then Kain picked up the spoon and broke it in half and then he kicked down the gate
to see 5 more spoons lying on the ground)
Kain: (confused) Why?
(then the spoons led a pincer attack against Kain and the spoons knocked him out. Kain
awoke inside a building tied to a stake with spoons and forks starting to roast him)
Kain: This has gotten very weird...
(then Uri, as 'Elzevir' walked in looking then some deformed clown)
Kain: (yelling at Elzevir while tied to a stake) Hey you disgruntled freak of nature, I
have come for the soul!
Uri (as Elzevir): So, Ottmar sent you to kill me, huh? I can smell him on you-I can tell
it's his smell cause you smell like eggnog and he loves that stuff.
Kain: (still tied to the stake) No, you see, all dead people smell like eggnog.
Uri (as Elzevir): Oh, anyway, this soul is mine! It's my precioussssssssss. Ottmar gave it
to me!
Kain: He only gave it to you because he's a retarded monkey. Oh, and you shall earn
that soul with your blood! (then Kain used all his strength to try to rip the ropes
keeping him on the stake, but he couldn't) Man, I need to get stronger, this is
becoming really pathetic.
Uri: Whatever happens, happens.
Kain: What's that mean?
(so Uri got a head start by drop-kicking Kain. Then Uri bitch-slapped Kain. Then he
thought about hitting Kain in the bladder, but thought better than to do that)
Kain: At least get me off of this stake!!!
(then Uri untied Kain and Kain immediately defeated him thanks to the Soul Reaver)
Kain: (thinking about the magical spoons and forks) Christ, what is this, Fantasia?
(then Kain found a bent spoon)
Kain: Elzevir was an odd little prick.
(Kain took the bent spoon and flew back to Ottmar)
Kain: (now standing before Faustus as 'Ottmar') I returned with the spoon and Elzevir's
head, which was now turning green. Ottmar's eyes lit up, but that's probably because
he was on fire.
Faustus: IT FEELS GOOD!
Kain: It's 'It Burns' you retard!
Faustus (as Ottmar): Wow, Willendorf is yours if you want it.
Kain: Why would I want this piece of trash!? All I want is your army!
Fautus (as Ottmar): Very fell. Unics, fetch my mace...(someone gave him a can of
mace)-my pepper spray...(someone gave him pepper spray)-and an animal footprint
chart! (someone gave him that too)
Kain: What about armor and a sword, you idiot!
Faustus (as Ottmar): We needn't such pedestrian items. There's war to be wagered!
Kain: Oh my lord, help us all. Cut! (then the filming stopped)
___________________________________________
Kain: Well, that was fun, but if Uri hits me one more time! (oh yeah, the scene is Kain's
throne room)
Rahab: Calm down, brother Kain.
Kain: That's enough! (Kain ripped off Rahab's beard)
Rahab: Ahh!!! (furious) THAT'S IT KAIN! YOU HAVE UPSET THE HEAVEN'S! I'M GONNA
GET MEDIEVIL ON YOUR HINEY! GYAHHHHHH! (Rahab beat Kain over and over with
his book) DON'T UPSET THE HEAVEN'S AGAIN, OR YOU SHALL BE A SACRAFICE!
Kain: (bruised) Okay, I won't be doing that again.
(then Uri walked up)
Uri: Hey, how about we call a truce? We could even go hunting aliens together!
Kain: No truce, fruitcake!
(then Uri picked up Kain and threw hit across the room, slamming him into a column)
Kain: When will I ever learn?
Bloopers
--------------------------------------
Take 1
Dumah (as Mortanius): Stupid, isn't it Kain? That one cannot quite accept the thing that
sustains him.
Kain: (confused, then looking at the crow legs sticking out of his mouth) What, cr-(then
Kain started choking on the crow)-hack, this isn't fun! (then Kain passed out and
Melchiah came walking by)
Melchiah: Wow, crow! I love crow!
---------------------------------
Take 4
Kain: (while eating a crow) What's sustain mean? (then Kain spat out the crow he was
eating) Yuck, that crow tasted like tin foil! (then Kain thinks of something) Wait, I love
tin foil!
----------------------------------
Take 8
Dumah: You're right. Who am I anyway? I shall caste aside this role as Mortanius and
find out who I really am! (then Dumah walked off the set to think)
Kain: (irritated) Aw, damn it Dumah!
Raziel: Aw don't worry Kain. As soon as Dumah sees himself in a mirror, he'll remember
he's a nobody.
Kain: Yeah, thanks.
--------------------------------
Take 13
Soldier of Hope 3: I hope but I'm not. (K ain draws out his Soul Reaver, while the
Soldier talks on, oblivious of Kain anymore) I hope I mean, I'm not in your way. I hope
you're the rude one. I hope-(then Kain slit his throat with the Soul Reaver and there
was much rejoicing)-I'm not dead. I hope you haven't just killed me. I hope have you
got a toothpick?
Kain: SHUT UP!!!!!!
-------------------------------
Take 19
(Kain then went into the cave and found a room with a human and an ability card)
Kain: What's up with these stupid ability CARDS? It's like some stupid anime. (then Kain
possessed the human, who got Kain the card) (looking at the card) Spirit Wrack.
(then a woman walked up to him and he boobs were glowing)
Kain: (not really sure what to think) Are you radioactive?
(then he boobs stopped glowing)
Vorador: (in the distance) I love Spirit Rack!
Kain: (to Vorador) You sick bastard!
----------------------------------
Take 24
Kain: Oh yay, I get to dress up again. At least this time, I'll look like royalty.
(so Kain walked into another part of the cave and he found himself behind a mine cart
that was on tracks and about 15 people, half of them Soldiers of Hope, in front of the
mine cart)
Kain: Oh yeah! (then Kain goes to push the cart, but the Soldiers of Hope get there first
and pushed the cart into him) Ow, didn't think that one through.
----------------------------------
Take 28
Kain: (looks reading level of the book) Hey, the reading level's Pre- Kindergarten! I can
read this! (he opens the book and there are pop-out pictures) Neat-o! Pictures! This
book tells of a small occult from Nosgoth's past. Wherever they traveled, human
possession would follow. Yeah right!
(then Marcus and a possessed human walk up to Kain and the possessed human kicked
Kain in the shin then Marcus ran off)
Marcus: Can't catch me!
Kain: (sighs)
-------------------------------------
Take 29
(Kain has laid out earthquake pills cleverly disguised as food. Marcus rushes up)
Marcus: Meep meep! (then Marcus eats half of the food and runs off) Meep meep!
Kain: ? (then Kain swallows some pills. Kain looks on the back of the bottle and a label
says 'will not work on Marcuses', but of course Kain didn't know that since he didn't
know how to read) I've swallowed bad pills.
_________________________________________________________
Turel: See you, dead vampires!
_________________________________________________________
I'm so sorry I've taken so long to update! Stupid school! Anyway, I promise to try and make updates more frequent. Hope you liked this chapter, don't forget to review!
_____________________________________________
The scene is Kain's throne room
Zephon (watching Uri bend a spoon): You've seriously got to teach me to do that.
Dumah: You'd need to be smart first.
Raziel: Well, he's smarter than you!
Dumah: No he's not!
(Turel came running up to them, half-excited, half-scared)
Turel: Rahab is coming! You might not like this!
Melchiah: What's that supposed to mean?
(then Rahab walked in, dressed entirely in black, holding a book in his left hand, has a
heard, wearing glasses, and a black hat)
Rahab: Hello, brother Raziel.
Dumah: (look of disbelief)...
Raziel: (disbelief, looking at Rahab) Rahab, what the hell are you?
Rahab: No, brother Raziel, don't say the 'H' word, it singes mine eyes. I am a rabbi.
Zephon: Oh my lord, are you insane?!
Rahab: Don't speak of the lord like that, my little bother Zephon!
Turel: Hey guys, what'll Kain do?
Raziel: He'll kill him!
Melchiah: Get out of town!
Turel: Run away!
Dumah: No, wait! Stay. Show Kain your new profession, this should be quite
interesting...hehehehe.
Turel: Dumah, are you insane!?
(then Kain walked in and spotted Rahab)
Kain: ...
Rahab: Hello, bother Kain. Your aura is looking brighter today.
Kain: ...
Rahab: I sense something is bothering you, brother Kain.
Kain: (disbelief)...
Rahab: Your aura is getting deeper. Here, let me clean your soul. (pours holy water on
him, not realizing it hurts him) There, don't you feel more cleansed.
Kain: (the pain hasn't quit gotten to him, because he's too PO'ed)...
Dumah: Is something going to happen or what? I want to see a fight.
Rahab: Speak, brother Kain, or are you at loss of words to describe your delight about
having your spirit cleansed?
Kain: (pale face turning red)...!
Rahab: Brother Dumah, do you know what's wrong?
Dumah: Nothing's wrong! Hehehehe! In fact, he's so glad he's speechless. Shower him
with more gifts.
Rahab: Good idea, brother Dumah.
Turel: (to Dumah) If you don't stop this, I'll kill you myself.
Rahab: How about a deeper cleansing? I can make it so you won't long for the desires
of the flesh. Or for those dirty desires of sex.
Kain: (right eye starts twitching)...
Rabah: Is that a yes, bother Kain? Broth-
Kain: NO!!! WHAT THE HELL'S GOTTEN INTO YOU!? WHO ARE YOU!?
Rahab: I am your son brother Kain.
Kain: YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT!
Dumah: Now this is the good stuff.
Kain: DO YOU WANT ALL OF US VAMPIRES DEAD!!?
Dumah: Vampires are unholy creatures! They should all be slain!
Kain: YOU'RE A VAMPIRE TOO DUMBASS!!!
Rahab: Ah, such language hurts! I'm a vampire! Someone kill me!
Kain: RIGHT! I WILL! (Kain dives to kill Rahab, but Uri intercepts him)
Uri: You needn't kill your son. It's those damn aliens turning your son like this. The
truth is out there!
Kain: (slightly confused) WHAT!? WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL HERE ANYWAY!?
Uri: (to the sky) You damn aliens, I know you're up there somewhere! Fix this boy
Rahab!
Zephon: Whoa, Uri is so gonna be my role model.
Kain: (to Uri) What are you, some kinda freak!
Uri: What!? Don't call me a freak!
Kain: Freak, freak, freak, freak, freak!
Uri: Don't get me angry!
Kain: You can't do anything but bend spoons!
Uri: (hurt) Ah!
Zephon: (hurt too) He can to you bastard!
Dumah: Ahahahaha! This is hilarious! I gotta tape this! (then Dumah starts taping the
argument)
Kain: That's right! All your can do is bend a spoon, like some stupid Pokemon thing!
Uri: I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!
Zephon: We'll rock you, Kain!
Kain: Bring it on Uri!
Uri: Die!
Rahab: People, stop this!
Kain: Let's fight!
(Kain rushes at Uri with his three-punch combo, which Uri very easily evades, and
counterattacks back by kicking Kain twice in the ribs very quickly, hurting Kain)
Kain: Ow! Vampires are stronger!
(then Kain moves to kick Uri, but before he can, Uri drop-kicks Kain. Kain scrambles
back up, looks at Uri, and charges at him. Uri simply jump-kicks Kain, sending him to
the ground again)
Uri: You trust your eyes to much Kain; you're not a chameleon you know, you can't see
everywhere at once!
Kain: (getting up) Immolate!
Uri: Rverse Immolate!
Kain: What!? (the immolate spell bounces off Uri and immolated Kain, sending him to
the ground) (weakly) Reverse Immolate?
Uri: Bring it on!
Kain: Gladly!
(then Kain rushed up, jumped over Uri, then started Berserking Uri, who just dodged
the hits, then when it came to the last slow-motion hit, Uri spun in the air and smashed
his foot on Kain's head in slow motion, making Kain flip backward, so Uri punched Kain
while Kain was still in the air, then Kain landed)
Zephon: Whoa, neat-o!
Rahab: This is simply dreadful!
(then Kain got up and tried again to kick Uri, and Uri simply grabbed Kain's leg and
threw Kain into one of the Pillars. Kain got up, jump-kicked at Uri, Uri ducked, and Kain
slammed into Kain's own throne)
Uri: You missed.
Kain: You're someone I'll never forgive! Die!
Dumah: This is classic!
(then Kain done a punch-kick combo, Uri blocked every hit, then hit Kain in the shin
and elbowed his back)
Kain: How can a freaky human beat me up?
Uri: Had enough?
Kain: Not until I win! (then Uri imitated a crane) What the...? You look so stupid!
(Uri imitated a crane that flew over to Kain, and poked Kain's eyes)
Kain: Go to hell!
Uri: Die!
Rahab: STOP IT!!!!!!!
(everything stopped. The Lieutenants starred at Rahab, Kain stopped and looked at
Rahab, and Uri stopped and looked at Rahab. Uri was bitting Kain's esophagus at the
time)
Rahab: Don't you see what is happening? Everyone is getting torn apart! Let's all praise
one another and stop this fighting!
Zephon: (teary-eyed) Rahab is right! (to Rahab) Bless you Rahab!
Turel: Rahab is right! (to Dumah) I love you my brother Dumah!
Melchiah: Group hug?
Raziel: Group hug! (all the Lieutenants group hugged)
Uri: You know Kain, he's right! I love you my friend Kain!
Kain: And I love you too, Uri! (then Kain punches his nose)
Uri: You son of a bitch! (then Uri kicked Kain in the groin, spun around to make his next
kick more powerful, and kicked Kain out of Kain's throne room, who then landed in
water)
Rahab: I say, let us film!
Dumah: Yay! I love you guys!
The scene is back where Kain was before he was forced to fly off to meet
Ariel. Kain was finally able to get to the Voice Recorder
Voice Recorder (with Kain's voice on it): The specter of Ariel led me to Willendorf. If I
was to defeat the next member of the Circle, I needed to understand his machinations.
With this vague advice in mind, I set forth on the road to Willendorf.
Kain: Okay, when I first saw this thing, I was hoping for something cool, then I was
forced to fly away, leaving suspense as to what cool things THIS VOICE RECORDER
would play. And that was all it said? That's lame and boring!
(so Kain walked forward then got to a cliff leading down. In front of it was a scarecrow
with a bunch of crows on it)
Kain: Some scarecrow, can't even keep crows away! (then a crow flew at Kain)
(sarcastically) Oh no, a crow, I'm really scared! Hahahaha! (then the crow poked Kain
in the eye) Ow, you SoB! (then Kain killed the crow with the Soul Reaver) There, no
more crows. (then another crow came and Kain killed it, and that pattern went on with
the next 563 crows, then Kain was getting weak) Stomach's caving in. Must eat!
(while Kain kept getting bit by crows, Kain had a thought. He would eat a crow! A crow
flew at him and with super speed, Kain caught the crow and ate it)
Kain: (surprised at the taste) Wow, this is damn good crow! Yum, crow. (then Kain
caught another crow and started eating it) Hey, I have my crow...and I'm eating it!
(then Kain walked over to the scarecrow with crows on it) Hey, so that's where they're
coming from! I'm taking this with me!
(so Kain took the scarecrow with him and wondered down some more cliffs till he got to
this strange set of teepees. He walked over to them, still carrying the scarecrow and
occasionally eating more crow)
Dumah (as Mortanius): Stupid, isn't it Kain? That one cannot quite accept the thing that
sustains him.
Kain: (confused, then looking at the crow legs sticking out of his mouth) What, crows?
Dumah (as Mortanius): No, not crows you stupid idiot! Death! We can't sustain death!
Kain: (while eating a crow) What's sustain mean? (then Kain spat out the crow he was
eating) Yuck, that crow tasted like tin foil!
Dumah (as Mortanius): Death cannot rule in a world without LIFE! This next crest is
yours and yours alone. I cannot help you any more.
Kain: (plucking a feather) You've said that already.
Dumah (as Mortanius): What?
Kain: Well, when I was going to Dark Eden, you said you couldn't help me anymore
then either. So supposedly you haven't come back.
Dumah (as Mortanius): (confused) Um...
Kain: So you're not here now. So, who are you? (then he eats another crow) Yum,
tastes like chicken.
Dumah: You're right. Who am I anyway? I shall caste aside this role as Mortanius and
find out who I really am! (then Dumah walked off the set to think)
Kain: (irritated) Aw, damn it Dumah!
(then Kain goes to the edge of a mountain and looks down and sees Willendorf)
Kain: Ah, the mighty castle Willowdwarf, the proud, aragant, vain, egotistical defender
of the realm with its Soldiers of Hope and their mighty ruler King Ottmar! The Lion
Throne had held my alliance, but damn, this isn't any Lion Throne! This is more like
Third World Country Throne! Willowdwarf is now nothing more than the getto!
(then Kain sees a river leading into town)
Kain: Wow, I get to go swimming! (Kain rushes to the water, puts his foot in, it burns,
pulls his foot out) IT BURNS! AHHH! What to do?
(so Kain made sure he had several Hearts of Darkness's, then he ran across the water,
getting repeatedly burned and hurt and by the time he got to shore, he had used 53
Hearts of Darkness's, and it had probably been the most pain he had had in his life. He
walked up to two Soldiers of Hope in his Disguise as a gigolo)
Soldier of Hope 1: None shall pass.
Kain: What?
Soldier of Hope 2: None shall pass.
Kain: Why not!?
Soldier of Hope 1: A gigolo has no business here.
Kain: Are you telling me this costume isn't sophisticated enough?
Soldier of Hope 2: Yes.
Kain: Why do you think that?
Soldier of Hope 1: You show too much.
Kain: (very PO'ed) Are you telling me that I WALKED ACROSS THAT BED OF WATER,
GOT THE HELL BURNED OUT OF ME FOR NOTHING!?!?
Soldier of Hope 1: Yeah.
Kain: You SON OF A BITCH! (then Kain walked back to where he was before he walked
across the lake, still getting burned going back)
Soldier of Hope 2: He was very rude.
Soldier of Hope 1: Yes, he was.
Soldier of Hope 2: I hope he lightens up.
Soldier of Hope 1: I hope we get a raise.
Soldier of Hope 2: I hope I got a pigeon for my birthday.
Soldier of Hope 1: I hope I get a shrubbery for Christmas.
Soldier of Hope 2: I hope I get some at the Christmas party. I hope you know what I
mean.
Soldier of Hope 1: I hope I'll eventually know what you mean.
Soldier of Hope 2: I hope you noticed we hope a lot.
Soldier of Hope 1: I hope you noticed we hope a lot because we are Soldiers of Hope.
Soldier of Hope 2: I hope...oh yeah, I never noticed that!
(so Kain went back on course looking for a cave because everything last thing he
needed was obviously in dangerous caves. Kain finally came to a cave, but Soldier of
Hope 3 stood in his way)
Kain: Get outta my way, you stupid hippy! I request an audience with this cave!
Soldier of Hope 3: I hope none shall pass.
Kain: Well, why not!
Soldier of Hope 3: I hope we shan't duel!
Kain: I have permission!
Soldier of Hope 3: I hope no you don't.
Kain: (slightly confused) Too bad for you, it's not like I don't need whatever's in there.
Soldier of Hope 3: I hope yes you do.
Kain: (getting confused) I hope yes you do? What's that mean? Speak English!
Soldier of Hope 3: I hope I am speaking English!
Kain: Well, you're NOT!
Soldier of Hope 3: I hope yes I am!
Kain: (very confused) What?! Listen just get out of my way!
Soldier of Hope 3: I hope I'm not in your way.
Kain: Well you are!
Soldier of Hope 3: I hope but I'm not. (K ain draws out his Soul Reaver, while the
Soldier talks on, oblivious of Kain anymore) I hope I mean, I'm not in your way. I hope
you're the rude one. I hope-(then Kain slit his throat with the Soul Reaver and there
was much rejoicing)
(Kain then went into the cave and found a room with a human and an ability card)
Kain: What's up with these stupid ability CARDS? It's like some stupid anime. (then Kain
possessed the human, who got Kain the card) (looking at the card) Spirit Rack. With
this spell, I...possess the 'rack' of a spirit? What the hell?
(then Vorador comes rushing in holding a card, snatches Kain's card, and gives Kain
Vorador's card)
Vorador: Soory, wrong Spirit Wrack. I knew something was wrong when I didn't feel
really...I think I'll stop there. Bye. (then Vorador rushes away)
Kain: (holding the Spirit Wrack card, then thinks of what just happened) Oh, I really
don't want to know.
(then Kain got to a ledge with a creature and a switch on the other side)
Kain: Die! (Kain shot an Energy Bolt at the creature, killing it) Hahahha! (then sees the
switch he can't reach) Aw, damn it! Now how am I supposed to get that switch? That's
it, I'm leaving!
(Kain left the room, and then a knife hurler hit him, sending him back in the room. The
creature he had killed had magically reappeared)
Kain: Well I'll be damned. How'd that happen? (then Kain, being the sadist that he is,
killed the creature once more) Aha! I killed you! Now how do I get to the switch? Well,
fine! I guess I won't get to the switch! (then in a whiny voice) But I wanna get to the
switch! Fine, I'll leave!
(so Kain left with his newfound Spirit Wrack that he has no clue whatsoever on how to
use. Kain was once again outside and saw a sign that said Willendorf)
Kain: (looking at the sign, not reading it because he doesn't know how to read) Mighty
Willowdwarf had sliced open the belly of Earth to perform a cesarean section...Ew!
Nasty! That's just gross! Freak-nasty!
(so Kain stumbled around, trying to figure out where to go next...)
Kain: I do that a lot, huh?
(then Kain found another cave)
Kain: Cripe! I'm getting tired of all these caves!
(so Kain entered...)
Kain: No. I'm no goin' in that stupid cave!
(I said Kain entered...)
Kain: No! You'll have to force me!
(Ok. So, I relocated Kain in the cave...)
Kain: Cheater.
(so that Kain could find a way to Willendorf. On the ground was a picture of the Beguile
spell)
Kain: Oh yay, I get to dress up again. At least this time, I'll look like royalty.
(so Kain walked into another part of the cave and he found himself behind a mine cart
that was on tracks and about 15 people, half of them Soldiers of Hope, in front of the
mine cart)
Kain: Oh yeah! (then Kain pushes the mine cart forward, squishing the 15 enemies) I'm
gonna like this place!
(so Kain walks forward and navigates the cave, mowing down enemies with mine carts
and various other things and even picking up a mine carts and smashing people with it
up until he realizes he isn't that strong and has to drop it on himself. Well, he finally got
to a Blood Fountain)
Special Guest Faustus (as Blood Fountain): (Elvis-sounding groans) Hey, baaaaa-aaaby!
Where's my cheeseburger? (Elvis-sounding groans again)
Kain: (surprised) FAUSTUS!? WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE!?
Faustus: Well, I gotta reprise my role as King Ottmar! (Faustus comes out dressed like
Elvis) Stylish, no?
Kain: NO! Let me just drink my blood! (then Kain drinks the blood)
Faustus (as Blood Fountain): (sounding like Elvis) You, baby, have drunken me out, and
now, you are da stylish one with the Beguile spell, ohoohoohoo-oo.
Kain: Good. I'm leaving now. (Kain walks outside the door of the cave to find himself in
a town, then he thinks of something) I have once heard a secret that a tomb contained
a forefather to King Ottmar himself. And these should also be a fountain of blood to
make me look more noble! (then realizes he just done all that stuff) Crap, now I
remember! (then Kain casts his Beguile spell)
(so Kain walks down the street in his Beguile costume)
Guard 1: (seeing Kain's costume) It's royalty! Royalty is here!
Peasant: (seeing Kain's costume then bowing down) I'll shine your boots for you, my
lord!
Guard 2: (seeing Kain's costume) Anything you want my loving lord, you can get!
(Kain stood there, extremely PO'ed and wondering why his Beguile costume gave him a
royal status. The Beguile costume was a Care Bears costume, and he felt stupid
wondering around looking like a care bear with some gay symbol on his costume's
stomach)
Peasant 2: (sees Kain) My lord, can you spare a penny? (Kain pushes her away) I'm
glad to have such a caring lord stop by!
Guard 3: Aw, isn't that lord (pointing to Kain) just the cutest and most angelic thing
you've ever seen?
Peasant 3: Aw, he's so adorable! He's a spitting image of Ottmar's father!
Guard 4: (down on his knees in front of Kain) I'm so glad a lord has visited us,
especially such a cute darling one! Let me shine your boots! (then Kain kicked him) I
know that was a kick of kindness and love. I love you since you care about us all and
you're such a swell guy!
(so Kain wandered further, at the same time feeling incredibly stupid, until he got to the
most horrid thing in all of Nosgoth-the dreaded library!)
Kain: (looking at the books)(with a disgusted and horrified tone) The horrid library of
Willowdwarf. Filled with terrifying monstrous books made by stuck-up old tits who
works that no one could give two damns about except themselves. This place is scary.
(so Kain wandered around his own version of hell, the library, and found a person. Kain
was still dressed as a Care Bear)
Peasant 4: (sees the Care Bear) Hey, you sexy bear. The nights can get cold around
here, and I can help 'stroke your fur' if you know what I mean...
Kain: You sick bastard. You'd have sex with a bear. What've you got to say for yourself?
Peasant 4: Hey, you se-(then Kain killed her and laughed, but for some odd,
unexplainable reason, her voice kept on talking)-xy bear. The nights can get cold
around here, and I can help 'stroke your fur' if you know what I mean...
Kain: (amazed) Whoa. I gotta try this again! (so Kain wandered around the library and
found Peasant 5)
Peasant 5: (to Kain) That fo-(then Kain killed him, and his voice also mysteriously
continued)-ol Ottmar does nothing but sit on his back-side all day while we die! That
bastard!
Kain: Whoa, this is so neat-o!
(then Kain continued wandering around the library till he found a book and picked it up)
Kain: (looks reading level of the book) Hey, the reading level's Pre- Kindergarten! I can
read this! (he opens the book and there are pop-out pictures) Neat-o! Pictures! This
book tells of a small occult from Nosgoth's past. Wherever they traveled, human
possession would follow. (stops reading the book) This is boring.
(Kain putted the book back-)
Kain: There's no such word a putted!
(I say there is! Now shut up! Anyway, Kain continued killing people and listening to
their dead voices till he found a book that he had to get)
Kain: Curious George!
(so Kain grabbed the Curious George book and proceeded to steal the book till he
realized that he was lost in the library)
Kain: Oh, where are we? (starts reading his book) I love that monkey!
(Kain just sort of strolled while reading the book, strolled out of the library and strolled
all the way to King Ottmar's castle. And all this time Kain was reading the book and
Kain thought he was just walking in circles, so in other words, he was unconsciously
walking)
Kain: (reading the book out loud) ...and Curious George ate the ice cream. The end.
(closing the book) God, that was good! (looks and sees he's outside of Ottmar's castle)
Um...where the hell am I?
(the doors open before him, but before he could go in, Soldiers of Hope 4- 15 stepped in
front of here)
Soldier of Hope 4: I hope yin-yang.
Soldier of Hope 12: (to the aforementioned) I hope I hope yin-yang? I hope what's that
mean?
Kain: Arghh!!! Not these people again! (got out a phone) Hello, heaven hot- line?
Zeus: (on the other end of the phone) Yes?
Kain: Okay, I want no BS this time! Just kill them!
Soldier of Hope 7: (to Soldier of Hope 14) I hope cut your own head off!
Soldier of Hope 6: I hope you're glad you don't have to sleep next to him!
Soldier of Hope 14: I hope what do you mean?
Soldier of Hope 6: (to Soldier of Hope 14) I hope you snore.
Kain: (to Zeus) Listen, I don't care about your personal life!
Zeus: (to Kain) Hercules was such a fine lad and now he's run off! I miss him so!
Boohoohoo! I MISS MY SON!
Kain: THAT'S IT!
(Kain crushed the phone and Imploded Soldiers of Hope 4-15. Kain then went into the
castle and looked around)
Kain: The castle of King Ottmar; sunglasses of my former existence. Proud and also
ego-maniac, surrounded by all the finery in the world and all the women wore highly
visible thongs. They were secure in their stupidity. As I walked along them, I smirked,
thinking of the...(then notices he isn't walking. He tries to walk, but can't) Aw, crap!
My feet have fallen asleep. Could someone carry me?
Soldier of Hope 16: I hope okay.
(the Soldier of Hope 16 carried Kain to a doorway where a jester stopped him)
Zephon (as jester): (sounding like a high Japanese school-girl) The king sees no one.
He's weeping like a little titty-baby right now!
Kain: Out of the way, peasant! The stench of the fields hangs over you like a pall!
...what the hell's a pall? Anyway, he'll be crying like a little wussy for his kingsom
soon! And he'll be mourning for you sooner! (Kain, of course, not looking very
frightening since he's being carried like a baby. Picture it in your mind. Then Kain
immolated jester and the Soldier of Hope 16 just plopped Kain on the ground and left)
Faustus (as King Ottmar): (and dressed up like J-Lo because he thought it was stylish)
A birthday present. To celebrate her sweet 21, I declared a contest. Whoever created
the finest...spoon in the realm would be granted a royal favor. Hundreds of spoons
were brought, but the winner was obvious. Elzevir the Spoon-Bender bent a spoon of
such beauty that all were captivated by it. And all he would take in payment was a lock
of her hair. Soon after she became a lifeless puppet-
Kain: (interrupting) (sarcastically) Well, let's see! He for some reason wanted a lock of
her hair!? Why would anyone want a lock of hair if they weren't gonna do voodoo or
something!? You're so stupid you deserve what happened!
Fautus (as King Ottmar): Whoever restores her to her former self shall receive this
kingdom!
Kain: Hot damn! I've gotta find this spoon-bender!
(then Kain walked away and Faustus looked up)
Fautus: Oowee, I look sharp! Next I need to dress up as Cher, then Evil Kenevel!
(Kain then reached a tunnel what would take him to the suspected area. Inside of the
tunnel, Kain encountered Soldiers of Hope 17-24)
Kain: Good day to you.
Soldier of Hope 23: I hope die!
Kain: Wait a minute, I'm on your side! I'm trying to help the king!
Soldier of Hope 17: I hope oh, okay.
Soldier of Hope 20: I hope die anyway!
Kain: You SOB.
(so Kain was forced to kill them all. When he emerged from the tunnel, he was in front
of a castle-thingy. Kain went forward, killing things...and stuff. Afterwards, he
emerged outside of a town with a sign saying 'Stahlberg')
Kain: (looking at the sign) Ah Stalemate, one of the most academic places in all of
Nosgoth. I won't weep over tombs, but...(Kain then saw a tomb of one of his
friends) (then in a manly tone) Nope, I won't weep. Only little babies weep. (then in a
childish tone) I can't weep. It will...show...I'm...weak. (then Kain cried over
the tomb) Damn it, I'm such a woman right now! (then Kain cried even harder because
his tears burnt him) (then in his normal voice) Oh well, he was an ass anyway.
(then Kain wandered into the town full of dead people and monsters)
Kain: Ah, I little bit of paradise...
(so Kain wandered about, killing everything and drinking blood and left this place and
came upon a castle with a giant statue of Umah with a Soul Reaver in front of the
castle)
Kain: (looking at the statue with an evil grin) Ah, King William the Just. I can't wait!
(since Kain couldn't get into the castle, he just went left and found a gate with a spoon
outside the gate)
Kain: What the hell is a spoon doing here? (then the spoon hopped up and hit Kain on
the forehead, hurting him badly) Ow! What the-
(then Kain picked up the spoon and broke it in half and then he kicked down the gate
to see 5 more spoons lying on the ground)
Kain: (confused) Why?
(then the spoons led a pincer attack against Kain and the spoons knocked him out. Kain
awoke inside a building tied to a stake with spoons and forks starting to roast him)
Kain: This has gotten very weird...
(then Uri, as 'Elzevir' walked in looking then some deformed clown)
Kain: (yelling at Elzevir while tied to a stake) Hey you disgruntled freak of nature, I
have come for the soul!
Uri (as Elzevir): So, Ottmar sent you to kill me, huh? I can smell him on you-I can tell
it's his smell cause you smell like eggnog and he loves that stuff.
Kain: (still tied to the stake) No, you see, all dead people smell like eggnog.
Uri (as Elzevir): Oh, anyway, this soul is mine! It's my precioussssssssss. Ottmar gave it
to me!
Kain: He only gave it to you because he's a retarded monkey. Oh, and you shall earn
that soul with your blood! (then Kain used all his strength to try to rip the ropes
keeping him on the stake, but he couldn't) Man, I need to get stronger, this is
becoming really pathetic.
Uri: Whatever happens, happens.
Kain: What's that mean?
(so Uri got a head start by drop-kicking Kain. Then Uri bitch-slapped Kain. Then he
thought about hitting Kain in the bladder, but thought better than to do that)
Kain: At least get me off of this stake!!!
(then Uri untied Kain and Kain immediately defeated him thanks to the Soul Reaver)
Kain: (thinking about the magical spoons and forks) Christ, what is this, Fantasia?
(then Kain found a bent spoon)
Kain: Elzevir was an odd little prick.
(Kain took the bent spoon and flew back to Ottmar)
Kain: (now standing before Faustus as 'Ottmar') I returned with the spoon and Elzevir's
head, which was now turning green. Ottmar's eyes lit up, but that's probably because
he was on fire.
Faustus: IT FEELS GOOD!
Kain: It's 'It Burns' you retard!
Faustus (as Ottmar): Wow, Willendorf is yours if you want it.
Kain: Why would I want this piece of trash!? All I want is your army!
Fautus (as Ottmar): Very fell. Unics, fetch my mace...(someone gave him a can of
mace)-my pepper spray...(someone gave him pepper spray)-and an animal footprint
chart! (someone gave him that too)
Kain: What about armor and a sword, you idiot!
Faustus (as Ottmar): We needn't such pedestrian items. There's war to be wagered!
Kain: Oh my lord, help us all. Cut! (then the filming stopped)
___________________________________________
Kain: Well, that was fun, but if Uri hits me one more time! (oh yeah, the scene is Kain's
throne room)
Rahab: Calm down, brother Kain.
Kain: That's enough! (Kain ripped off Rahab's beard)
Rahab: Ahh!!! (furious) THAT'S IT KAIN! YOU HAVE UPSET THE HEAVEN'S! I'M GONNA
GET MEDIEVIL ON YOUR HINEY! GYAHHHHHH! (Rahab beat Kain over and over with
his book) DON'T UPSET THE HEAVEN'S AGAIN, OR YOU SHALL BE A SACRAFICE!
Kain: (bruised) Okay, I won't be doing that again.
(then Uri walked up)
Uri: Hey, how about we call a truce? We could even go hunting aliens together!
Kain: No truce, fruitcake!
(then Uri picked up Kain and threw hit across the room, slamming him into a column)
Kain: When will I ever learn?
Bloopers
--------------------------------------
Take 1
Dumah (as Mortanius): Stupid, isn't it Kain? That one cannot quite accept the thing that
sustains him.
Kain: (confused, then looking at the crow legs sticking out of his mouth) What, cr-(then
Kain started choking on the crow)-hack, this isn't fun! (then Kain passed out and
Melchiah came walking by)
Melchiah: Wow, crow! I love crow!
---------------------------------
Take 4
Kain: (while eating a crow) What's sustain mean? (then Kain spat out the crow he was
eating) Yuck, that crow tasted like tin foil! (then Kain thinks of something) Wait, I love
tin foil!
----------------------------------
Take 8
Dumah: You're right. Who am I anyway? I shall caste aside this role as Mortanius and
find out who I really am! (then Dumah walked off the set to think)
Kain: (irritated) Aw, damn it Dumah!
Raziel: Aw don't worry Kain. As soon as Dumah sees himself in a mirror, he'll remember
he's a nobody.
Kain: Yeah, thanks.
--------------------------------
Take 13
Soldier of Hope 3: I hope but I'm not. (K ain draws out his Soul Reaver, while the
Soldier talks on, oblivious of Kain anymore) I hope I mean, I'm not in your way. I hope
you're the rude one. I hope-(then Kain slit his throat with the Soul Reaver and there
was much rejoicing)-I'm not dead. I hope you haven't just killed me. I hope have you
got a toothpick?
Kain: SHUT UP!!!!!!
-------------------------------
Take 19
(Kain then went into the cave and found a room with a human and an ability card)
Kain: What's up with these stupid ability CARDS? It's like some stupid anime. (then Kain
possessed the human, who got Kain the card) (looking at the card) Spirit Wrack.
(then a woman walked up to him and he boobs were glowing)
Kain: (not really sure what to think) Are you radioactive?
(then he boobs stopped glowing)
Vorador: (in the distance) I love Spirit Rack!
Kain: (to Vorador) You sick bastard!
----------------------------------
Take 24
Kain: Oh yay, I get to dress up again. At least this time, I'll look like royalty.
(so Kain walked into another part of the cave and he found himself behind a mine cart
that was on tracks and about 15 people, half of them Soldiers of Hope, in front of the
mine cart)
Kain: Oh yeah! (then Kain goes to push the cart, but the Soldiers of Hope get there first
and pushed the cart into him) Ow, didn't think that one through.
----------------------------------
Take 28
Kain: (looks reading level of the book) Hey, the reading level's Pre- Kindergarten! I can
read this! (he opens the book and there are pop-out pictures) Neat-o! Pictures! This
book tells of a small occult from Nosgoth's past. Wherever they traveled, human
possession would follow. Yeah right!
(then Marcus and a possessed human walk up to Kain and the possessed human kicked
Kain in the shin then Marcus ran off)
Marcus: Can't catch me!
Kain: (sighs)
-------------------------------------
Take 29
(Kain has laid out earthquake pills cleverly disguised as food. Marcus rushes up)
Marcus: Meep meep! (then Marcus eats half of the food and runs off) Meep meep!
Kain: ? (then Kain swallows some pills. Kain looks on the back of the bottle and a label
says 'will not work on Marcuses', but of course Kain didn't know that since he didn't
know how to read) I've swallowed bad pills.
_________________________________________________________
Turel: See you, dead vampires!
_________________________________________________________
I'm so sorry I've taken so long to update! Stupid school! Anyway, I promise to try and make updates more frequent. Hope you liked this chapter, don't forget to review!