Disclaimer: Hmm, I don't own LoK or any of its characters, but I'm plotting
to
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The scene is a closed and sealed off Pillars (in other words, Kain's throne)
and everyone is tense and paranoid
Zephon: They're all around me! I won't take this anymore!
Dumah: Calm down you melodramatic drip!
Turel: This is insane! None of us has any kind of disease! (then Turel sneezes)
Melchiah: Ahh! Don't sneeze in my direction!
Dumah: We're all gonna crack up and die here! I don't want to die here, you people
suck! Someone help me!
Raziel: (finally got himself untied) I'm sure there's nothing to worry about. I'm sure
none of us has anything contagious.
Melchiah: That's right. (then Melchiah's arm falls off)
Raziel: AHHH!!! GET YOUR FRICKIN' DISEASE-INFESTED GUNKY ARM AWAY FROM ME
YOU DEFORMED MOLDING FREAK!
Zephon: I'M GOIN' OFF THE DEEP END!
Turel: I'VE GOTTA KEEP MY SANITY! I HATE YOU PEOPLE!
Dumah: LET'S ALL GET TENSE! I'VE BEEN WITH YOU SUCKAS TOO LONG, NOW
YOU'RE GONNA KILL ME! AHHH!!!!!!
Melchiah: Who wants tranquilizers?
Vorador: ME!
Janos: NO! DON'T YOU SEE? THAT BASTARD WANTS US DEAD! HE'S TIPPED THE
TRANQUALIZERS WITH SYANIDE!
Vorador: SYANINE? ARE YOU SURE YOU SPELLED THAT CORRECTLY?
Janos: IF YOU DOUGHT ME I'LL KILL YOU!
Melchiah: (to Rahab) I hate this place.
Rahab: We're the only sane ones, brother Melchiah.
Raziel: YOU SICK, INFESTED BASTARD ZEPHON! YOU'RE A THING IN VAMPIRE
CLOTHING, AREN'T YOU!?
Zephon: I THINK I'M GETTING A COLD!
Turel: I'M SINGING IN THE RAIN!
Vorador: (to Turel) WHAT!?
Turel: JUST TRYING TO KEEP SANE! AHH!!!
Raziel: DO YOU WANNA TOUCH ME? DO YOU WANNA TOUCH ME? WELL TOO BAD,
YOU DISEASE CARRYING HERMAPHRODITES!
Rahab: What can we do to calm them down, brother Melchiah?
Melchiah: Why did Kain do this?
Rahab: The wicked shall receive their reward.
Melchiah: I hate Kain.
Rahab: You needn'th dislike brother Kain, brother Melchiah.
Melchiah: Well, he's doing this for a laugh!
Kain voice: Hahahahahahaha!
Melchiah: Where's that coming from?
(Kain was hearing the whole thing and laughing because Kain had put a video recorder
right under Melchiah's nose so it would look like a moustache)
Kain's voice: Ahahahahahahahaha!
Turel: WHAT IS THAT?
Raziel: (Turel had accidentally brushed his hand against Raziel) AHHHH!!!! SOMEONE
HELP ME, THE LIGHT'S ALREADY FADING! GOOD-BYE SWEET NOSGOTH!
Zephon: WHERE'S KAIN'S LAUGHTER COMING FROM?
Kain's voice: Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Melchiah: It sounds like it's coming from my...nose!
Raziel: AHHH!!!! I THINK TUREL GAVE ME SHARK POISON! MUST DESTROY THE
INFECTION! (so Raziel decides to destroy the infection by sticking his arm in fire) MY
ARM HAS BEEN BAPTIZED! (then realizing it hurts) HEY, THIS HURTS!
Melchiah: Get out of my nose, Kain!
Zephon: Whoa, is his nose gonna give birth to Kain? Eww! He'll be full of germs, then
they're gonna get on me, eat me, then I'll die! Save us someone!
Kain's voice: Hahahahahahaha!
Vorador: (grabbing onto Zephon's shoulders and shaking him) You've got to pull
yourself together man! (then he releases Zephon)
Zephon: You're right. (then thinks about something) I THINK VORADOR JUST GAVE ME
SOME STD DISEASE! AHH!!!
Melchiah: (freaking out) GET OUT OF MY NOSE KAIN! SOMEONE HELP ME! (Melchiah
then starts punching his own nose)
The scene has now switched to Kain's secret hiding place
Kain: (listening to Melchiah punching himself) Hahahahahahahahaha!
Elder God's voice: You must stop this now Kain!
Kain: Not you! I hate you!
Elder God's voice: Yes, me.
Kain: Weren't you in that book Sphere?
Elder God's voice: No! Shut up! Be nice to them, OR ELSE!
Kain: Or else what? I'm not afraid of you.
Elder God's voice: I'll give you one more chance! But if you do any other mean things to
them, you'll pay!
Kain: Yeah yeah. I think I've got a fun idea...
Back at the Pillars...
Zephon: (running around, screaming) SOMEONE HELP, I THINK I'VE GOT STD! I THINK
I MAY HAVE RABBIES!
Raziel: What are you concerned about? If I don't cut off this arm, then the infection
could kill me! All because Vorador's dirty old self touched me!
Zephon: Vorador gave me STD! I think. Anyway, let's all get him!
Janos: (to Vorador) How many times have I told you to take a bath so your funky body
wouldn't have fatal diseases!
Vorador: You're all overreacting!
Dumah: Let's kill him! He turned me into a newt!
Vorador: A newt?
Dumah: I got better. Let's kill Vorador anyway, I haven't had anything to eat in a few
days anyway!
Ghostly voice: Stop right there.
(everyone heard that Ghostly voice and stopped)
Ghostly voice: This is the ghost of Nosgoth present.
Zephon: Ahh!!! I'm afraid of ghosts.
Ghostly voice: I have come to tell you how to improve your lives.
Melchiah: I have a GHOST IN MY NOSE!
Ghostly voice: First, Vorador needs to take a bath in water.
Vorador: Please, Mr. Ghost sir, water bur-
Ghostly voice: DO YOU DOUGHT ME!? I YE DO, I'LL HAUNT YOU FOREVER!!!!!!!
Vorador: AHHH!!!! Ok, I'll do it.
Ghostly voice: Good, good.
Zephon: Oh, my turn! My turn!
Ghostly voice: Zephon, you don't have STD. (then, in a nervous tone) Nothing serious,
anyway.
Zephon: (hearing the nervous tone) WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "NOTHING SERIOUS?"
Ghostly voice: Oh, nothing, nothing. I'll just tell you that you ought to be glad you don't
have children the way humans do.
Zephon: (now a nervous wreck) AHHH!!! WHAT'S THAT MEAN? AHH!!!
Ghostly voice: Rahab, you're next.
Rahab: I'm a rabbi, so I tryith to make friends with everyoneith.
Ghostly voice: Rahab, you're beard is ugly.
Rahab: DON'T YOU INSULT MY BEARD, YOU SON OF A FEMALE DOG!
Ghostly voice: Razzyboy.
Raziel: DON'T CALL ME THAT!
Ghostly voice: You'll need to cut off more than one limb. Your body is infested with
rabbies.
Raziel: OH NO!!!!!!!
Ghostly voice: Dumah...
Dumah: (scared) Yes...
Ghostly voice: You're a perfect angel, don't ever change.
Dumah: Oh, that's awfully kind of you.
Back in Kain's secret hiding place
Kain: (making a Ghostly voice): Janos, you're a tree-hugging hippy. Stop being one.
Janos' voice: No! Hippy; good.
Kain: HAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Elder God's voice: THAT'S IT KAIN! I WARNED YOU!
Kain: I'm not afraid of you.
Elder God's voice: Hahahaha!
(then a light comes down from the sky and heavenly music plays, and from the heavens
comes Magnus, in all his insane glory. Though this time, he also held a Holy Hand
Grenade)
Kain: (seeing the holy hand grenade) Oh crap.
Magnus: KAIN IS MY FRIEND!
Kain: Don't get near me with that grenade!
Magnus: KAIN IS MY FRIEND! BRING ME MY MEAT!
Kain: No! No! No! I'm not your friend!
Magnus: WHERE'S MY MEAT? KAIN'S NOT MY FRIEND?
Kain: No. Kain's not my friend!
Magnus: (looking at the holy hand grenade) THEN YOU BLOW UP AND I GET MEAT!
Kain: No, no, no, no, no.
Magnus: (pulls the pin) I'LL GET MY MEAT IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!
Kain: Somebody help...
Magnus: (has now rushed at Kain and only inches from his face and still holding the
grenade) KAIN ISN'T MY FRIEND! KAIN'S MY MEAT!
Kain: OH SHI-
(BOOM)
Back at the Pillars
Zephon: (hearing a loud explosion, while using one of those things to test if you're
pregnant or not) What was that? (it beeps) Yes, negative!
(everyone was startled when they heard the boom. Everyone was even more startled
when Kain got blasted from the ceiling to the ground)
Janos: It's a fallen angel!
Dumah: No, it's Kain...and that thing, whatever it is.
(Kain and Magnus crawled up, Kain in a lot of pain and Magnus in no pain because he
burnt all of his nerve endings years ago when he immolated himself)
Raziel: Well, well, well. It's Kain! (everyone gathers around Kain) You gave us diseases!
Zephon: Do I look pregnant to you!?
Dumah: You're not escaping us this time, Kain!
Kain: Um, you see...
(then Magnus bursts through)
Magnus: MY MEAT! (he sees Melchiah) I REMEMBER YOU! MEAT!
Melchiah: Oh, hell no!
Kain: Ha! I'll sick Magnus on you people!
Zephon: So what? Nothing can hurt me! (then Zephon backs away, but his foot twists
and his foot ends up broken) OW! At least I go to prove that only I'm strong enough to
hurt me!
Raziel: This is all your fault, Kain! Zephon wouldn't be sitting here in pain if it weren't
for you!
Rahab: Somebody take him to the hospitalith.
Kain: (annoyed) What's the nearest hospital.
Vorador: Ooh, it's my gynecologist place!
Kain: (brightens up considerably) Really. Take him there.
Vorador: Yay!
Zephon: (while be put on a stretcher) Oh, no no no no no!
Vorador: (following him) Don't worry. I've only screwed up 9 out of the 10 times I've
done something! I'm sure to get it right this time!
Kain: Hehehe. Let's start filming.
Raziel: Not till we get an apology. We also heard a ghost.
Kain: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Turel: I recognize that laugh. You were that ghost weren't you!? Someone hold me
back! (then Turel and all the others lunge at Kain, except Magnus, who's chasing
Melchiah)
A little while later, filming starts. It's filmed at the Pillars, as always, and the
backdrop is inside the present-day castle of William the Just
Kain: (looking around, surveying the scenery) This looks like a broken down trailer in
Alabama. Well, at least William the Just is dead, so Moebius' plans have been thwarted.
His pawn is out of the game.
(Kain walked out of the room to be greeted by a sumo-wrestler with a torch)
Kain: Um...a sumo-wrestler.
Sumo-wrestler: I'm Fat Bastard! Not some retarded sumo-wrestler!
Kain: Why do you have a torch? What are you doing?
Fat Bastard: I'm carrying a torch so I can cook you, then you can GET IN MY BELLY!
Kain: (not sure about what to think about him) I'm not really afraid.
Fat Bastard: (taunting) Yeah, well I fart in your general direction! You'll feel the pain of
a fat bastard! (then Fat Bastard got his big fat foot and stomped on Kain's foot)
Kain: OW!!! That hurt you bastard! (seeing this doesn't phase him) Who is fat!
Fat Bastard: (indifferent look on is pudgy face) Oh, what the hell! I'm gonna eat ya!
(then Fat Bastard waddled toward Kain and Kain cut Fat Bastard with the Soul Reaver)
Fat Bastard: Ow! That hurt! Well, I'm a professional sumo-wrestler, and I'm gonna kill
you! (then stops for a moment) Can we wait a while till we fight? I gotta take a crap!
Kain: (disgusted) You revolting fat bastard!
(Kain took this opportunity while he was away to sneak away from Fat Bastard and
continued looking for a way out. Everything looked so different, and Kain believed it
was because the place was a little destroyed. He came upon more sumo- wrestlers)
Kain: Why are you people always so fat?
Sumo-wrestler 1: (holding a torch) Don't call me fat! It hurts me feelings.
Sumo-wrestler 2: (Scottish) Ya, we hav felings too ya know.
Sumo-wrestler 3: I'll tell my mommy on you!
(then Kain killed them all)
Kain: Christ, what's with these weirdos?
(then a very scrawny person with two sticks came up to Kain)
Scrawny sticks holder 1: Hreheheheheherhe! I have come to kill you!
Kain: (while getting hit by the sticks) (sighs) What's with all these freaks!
Scrawny sticks holder 1: Hrehehehehrheehehehe! You cannot escape my chopsticks!
Kain: You're a wimp and a loser! (then Kain kills him) Aren't there any women in
Nosgoth anymore?
(so Kain walks along and goes to the doorway when a woman comes up and bitch-slaps
Kain)
Kain: (dumbfounded) I've just got bitch-slapped.
Woman: Yeah, you vile vampire! And I'll do it again! (so she bitch-slapped him again)
Kain: I don't know how to feel about this. (then she bitch-slapped him again) Ow, that
hurt!
Woman: You vampires aren't what you used to be! (slaps him again) I remember back
in my old days...(slaps him again) ...when we used to live in fear of the big
mean dreaded vampire...(slaps him again)...we used to have to walk 15 miles in
the blazing hot cold up extremely steep mountains...(slaps him again)...just so
we could get EATEN by a vampire! (slaps him again) What's happened to vampires
these days? (slaps him again) Now they're so puny.
Kain: (with a very red face for getting slapped) This is getting rough. ARGHHHH!!!
Kain's voice: The Heart of Darkness.
(then Kain was revived)
Kain: (still getting slapped) SHE BITCH-SLAPPED ME TO DEATH! Okay, please stop!
Woman: Ok, I can either bitch-slap you repeatedly, or knee you in the groin repeatedly.
Kain: (thinking it over) Hm, bitch-slap, or kneed groin. Hm...(thinks about this very
crucial decision for a few minutes) I think I'll get slapped.
Woman: (disappointed) Aw, okay then. (slaps him)
Kain: (while getting slapped a lot) What am I gonna do? (sees a crow overhead) Idea!
(Kain then catches the crow and shoves the crow in Woman's mouth and Woman backs
away)
Woman: Ewww!!! That's nasty!
Kain: Hahaha! (then Kain eats crow) Damn, that's really good crow!
(then Kain kills Woman and ventures out of the castle to be greeted by a most familiar
scene. There are big, red demons everywhere, and everything's the way it should be)
Kain: Yep, this is definitely the dump I know. It's present time Nosgoth. But the
carnage of battle is gone! I love it when people fight, it's so funny! (he hears something
in the distance) Hark, whatith be that!? Is that...vampire blood! I must do
something, a fellow vampire may be in mortal danger!
(so Kain goes around and kills stuff)
Kain: Ah, I feel much better now.
(so Kain wanders away from the castle and sees a broken statue of Umah with a Soul
Reaver)
Kain: (finally figures the whole thing out) Damn it, the devil farts in my face once again.
I'm getting nothing but bad luck. Since I, a vampire, slayed William, these people thirst
for a new blood-vampire blood. Wait a minute! So what's new, everyone's always
wanted me dead! Well, that sucks!
(so Kain went on and arrived in Stahlberg, and people are now grim, sad and
depressed)
Kain: THIS IS MORE LIKE IT!
(then a woman comes up and bitch-slaps him)
Kain: Oh, hell no! Not this again! (he kills her and continues on. He sees that everyone
looks sad and disappointed) This is the best place ever! (to Peasant 1) Can I kill you?
Peasant 1: May as well. I so depressed. You see, it turns out that my lover was a guy
when I thought it was I girl. Things haven't been going well lat-(then Kain kills him)
Kain: I love this place!
(Kain's exiting Stahlberg, Kain saw a red diamond. He stepped on it)
Voice Recorder (with Kain's voice in it): As I wandered about more, the shrieking and
cheering became more apparent and defined. There was some sort of gathering to the
south; for with each cheer I smelled an outpour of blood.
Kain: (looking at the voice recorder) By the time this whole thing ends, I'm gonna find
out how they get my voice on that thing. (then Kain smells the air) Smells like sausages
and burgers! Someone's having a cookout down south! Yippee! Hooray!
(so Kain rushes down south and sees a sumo-wrestler and a scrawny guy)
Kain: I get it now! These people are vampire hunters!
Sumo-wrestler 4: For righteousness!
Scrawny guy: (in sophisticated tone) Hello, I'm a judge. And I'm also jury.
Kain: Well, I'll be damned. I don't justify my killing, as we all know. I kill because it's
fun and dead people smell like cookies! (now he's PO'ed) But these vampire hunters say
they do this for righteousness! All they have to do is say they think dead people smell
like cookies and that'll work!
Sumo-wrestler: Hahahaha! (then he gets killed by Kain)
Kain: (still PO'ed) They would make themselves judge and jury!
Scrawny guy: (in a sophisticated tone) No, you see, I really am a judge and a jury.
Kain: (still PO'ed) Oh. Well, that puts a damper on my "These-guys-are-full- of-it"
theory. I know! Can I be the executioner?
Scrawny guy: Why, sure.
Kain: (jumping up and down excited) Yay! (then Kain kills scrawny guy) I don't feel like
going through all this. Beguile! (so Kain's dressed as a Care Bear now. Kain was able to
get past most people without being annoyed)
Sumo-wrestler 5: (seeing Kain's costume) Can I have your autograph!
Kain: What?
Sumo-wrestler 5: You, Care Bear, is the whole reason I became a sumo- wrestler. I
wanted to be just like you!
Kain: Fine! (Kain gives him an autograph)
Sumo-wrestler 5: YEEEEEHHHH! (then the sumo-wrestler runs off, jumping up and
down like a crazed boy-band lover who just got an autograph)
Kain: I HATE THIS SUIT!
(then Kain walks into a section of roofless castle-wannabes and sees Raziel, who is
Moebius, and Vorador with his head in a guillotine)
Vorador: Not again. This'll be the second time.
(then Vorador's head gets lopped off)
Voraodr's head: Ow. Could someone hand me some ointment, my head's been cut off.
It really puts a damper on the day.
Janos (as Executioner): We are free of this unholy constipated dirty old plebian!
Raziel (as Moebius): Wait a second, my friend! Would you be free of the plague if only
one city was cleansed?
Crowd: Who cares about the other cities?
Dean Earwicker: (in bandages) Yeah!
Raziel (as Moebius): (sighs) I hate crowds. They're so stupid. Well would you spare one
wolf in a pack that has devastated your herd?
Crowd: No!
Dean Earwicker: Yes! I love lamb chops!
Raziel (as Moebius): Not him again. Then let us destroy them all!
Crowd: Yes!
Dean Earwicker: No, let's be nice to him!
Raziel (as Moebius): (sighs heavily) I hate Dean Earwicker. (then he sees Kain) Look, a
Care Bear! I love those little guys!
Crowd: (sees Kain) Care Bear! I want a hug!
Dean Earwicker: (to Raziel, as Moebius) Are you a virgin?
Kain: (infuriated) THAT'S IT! (Kain is extremely PO'ed and rips of the head of the
costume, throws it down on the ground and stomps on it over and over, and he takes
off the rest of the suit and immolates it)
Raziel (as Moebius): He beheaded the Care Bear! He killed the Care Bear!
Crowd: Die!
Dean Earwicker: That Care Bear was only around 25!
Raziel (as Moebius): We weren't gonna kill him, but he killed the Care Bear! (starts
crying)
Kain: (now realizing that he might want to learn to control his anger) (annoyed) Aw,
crap it all.
(so a crowd of 100 people come at Kain and Kain kills them all)
Kain: (seeing the infinity symbol that over Moebius' entire body) I've been tricked!
Raziel (as Moebius): Stupid.
Kain: In my haste I had not noticed that symbol on his entire body painted yellow so
anyone could see it! This is in fact the Time Streamer Moebius!
Raziel (as Moebius): Well, come on! If you can't notice this huge symbol, then anyone
that stupid deserves what they get!
Kain: Damn it, the worst part was that he was right! I feel really stupid now! Moebius,
you carbuncle-infested homo! You'll die!
Raziel (as Moebius): We will not rest till your kind is dead! I'll send you back to the
grave! And I'm NOT a homo! I'll tell my mommy on you!
Kain: (sarcastically) Oh, boo-hoo. (then Raziel is lifted up by strings to make it look like
he disappeared) You cowardly piece of...piss! (to himself) You cowardly piece of
piss? That makes no sense.
(so Kain traveled through a gate that opened up beside him and Razzyboy-)
Raziel: DON'T CALL ME RAZZYBOY!
(...and Raziel, as Moebius, was up on a ledge applying cream to his carbuncle)
Raziel (as Moebius): OH YES! THAT FEELS SO GOOD! OH, THAT CREAM REALLY HITS
THE SPOT!
Kain: You coward! Stop pleasuring yourself with cream and come down and fight!
Raziel (as Moebius): Aw damn, I've been caught. Well, here are puppets from the past!
(then a puppet Pinocchio drops on the ground) (agitated sigh) That was a
disappointment.
Kain: AHH!! PINOCCHIO IS SO GAY! (then Kain kills the gay puppet)
Raziel (as Moebius): Here's a puppet of the present! (a mathematician come down)
Kain: Who are you?
Mathematician: Aha! What is 3x + 56,000y - the square root of 2,395,487 divided by
the square root of 'c' + 59% of 45,932 times 39?
Kain: ...DIE!!!!!!!!!! I HATE MATH!!!!!! DIE DAMN YOU!!!! (so Kain slaughters the
very evil mathematician and the author grins cause the author abhors math and is bad
at math)
Raziel (as Moebius): Very well. Now for the most dangerous one! The one from ages to
come!!!
(then an old man appears with a Soul Reaver in hand)
Kain: (not part of the script) (to Raziel) Um, Raziel...who is this?
Raziel: Um...
Kain: Where's my clone that supposed to be here, Raziel? I wanna see myself!
Raziel: I don't know, your clone's supposed to be here. Who's this guy? (to Dumah,
who's off-set) Who's this guy? Where's the clone?
Dumah: (off-set) I don't know what's going on.
Kain: Who are you, old hag?
Old person with a Soul Reaver: I you must know, I'm...Michael Bell!
Kain: Who??
Michael Bell: I am a master at the Soul Reaver. I've have killed approximately
28,374,747,483,847 enemies without even getting a scratch!
Kain: Um, Razzyboy, help.
Raziel: No! After what you did to all of us!? Quarantine! Diseases! Ghostly voice! No, I
won't help! I'm gonna enjoy this!
Kain: (holding his own Soul Reaver) (to Michael Bell) You're goin' down!
Michael Bell: My eyes are open Kain! (then three stories appear behind Michael, each
story having a lever, and a portal at the top) I shall now kill you!
(so Michael starts off with a 50-hit combo, and Kain blocks, but Michael is clearly much
better with the Soul Reaver then Kain, as Kain only manages to block 9 hits, getting hit
the other 41 times. The only reason Kain's still alive is because of the Hearts of
Darkness's that are automatically used when you die)
Kain: I admit I underestimated you. But now you die!
(so Kain tries Berserking Michael, but Michael simply blocks every hit and hits Kain in
the air and juggles Kain, and Kain finally lands after 19 hits)
Kain: (in a painful and whiny voice) This is too much! (then Kain actually hits Michael)
Michael Bell: Well, how the hell did that happen? (then Michael flips the first story
switch. Then Michael teleports to the second story)
Kain: Oh, no more!
(so Kain jumps up to the second story and Michael catches him)
Michael Bell: Haha! You need to keep your friends close Kain; and your enemies even
closer! (then Michael throws Kain to the ground)
Kain: Die! (then Kain jumps at him again, and after getting hit 30 times, Kain actually
hits Michael again)
Michael Bell: Ha! Kain, did you think you were noble? (Michael pressed another switch,
this time on the second story. Then he reappears on the third)
Kain: I'm gonna kill you! (then Kain jumped up to Michael and done a punch- kick
combo and had Michael pinned)
Michael Bell: How can you blasphemy Raziel by turning him into a vampire!? (then
Michael Bell telekinetically pushed Kain away. Kain just got back up and hit Michael
again)
Kain: That'll show you!
Michael Bell: (after pulling the last switch, he reappeared in front of the portal) You
nearly had me Kain. But this is not where it ends. This drama promises more twists and
turns before this drama is over...completely. (then Michael Bell disappears through
the portal, then the portal and 3 stories disappears as well)
Raziel: Aw, damn it! He didn't kill you! (then as Moebius) Crap! If you want a job done
properly, you've got to do it yourself!
(then Raziel, as Moebius, teleports to where Kain is)
Kain: (irritated) Am I the only one who can't teleport?
Raziel (as Moebius): Now die! (he shoots lightning out of his staff, but no lightning
comes out) Oh no! Stupid Energizer batteries, they don't keep going and going!
Kain: (wicked grin) Ha! (then he strikes Raziel, who's now laying in the ground in front
of Kain) Well you really fooled me, you constipated old haggard pissle. By going back in
time, you turned William into the Nemesis!
Raziel (as Moebius): So, you've seen my plan as I've seen your destiny. The past says,
you'll die and become a vampire! Hahaha!
Kain: Well, I'm already dead, you dip-dong! As are you! (then Kain lops of Moebius'
head, which isn't Raziel's)
(now that Kain has killed him, Kain is trying to find out what to do. Then he finds an
hourglass)
Kain: I never understood how these things work. Hey, with this, Moebius could stream
time! Wow! Neat-o freat-o! (then Kain throws the hourglass into the air so that he can
catch it, but he misses and it breaks) Well, guess the sands of time have ceased to flow
now, huh?
Dumah's voice (as Mortanius): Oh goody, you killed him. Moebius always played the
trickster's part, that sick hozer! He even dressed as the Oracle. And still had that infinity
tattoo all over his body that ANY IDIOT COULD SEE!
Kain: Go to hell!
Dumah's voice (as Mortanius): Come and meet me at the Pillars for the grand finale!
You shall have your vengeance. Oh, and you still owe me for letting you become a
vampire. You owe me $3.50.
Kain: Expensive huh? I would've thought he'd be cheap.
(now Kain flys to the Pillars, where he sees Janos, as Anacrothe, and Dumah, as
Mortanius, arguing and Kain hides-)
Kain: Hide! You don't know me!
(...and I make Kain reappear behind a Pillar, watching)
Janos (as Anacrothe): You ungrateful a-hole! You sicked Kain on us as if he was some
crazed dog!
Kain: (seeing a bone) Oh, a bone!
Dumah (as Mortanius): I had to. We screwed up! All because of battery- powered head!
We failed! Boo-hoo!
Janos (as Anacrothe): We failed? Um, Nosgoth to Mortanius, we live for it! Not the
other way around!
Dumah (as Mortanius): Nosgoth to Anacrothe, uh-huh!
Janos (as Anacrothe): Nosgoth to Mortanius, nuh-uh! Anyway, stand with us or die!
Dumah (as Mortanius): You know, you're REALLY stupid to be arguing with the
Guardian of Death! Idiot!
(then Janos shot lightning at Dumah, who just absorbed it and shot a bolt through
Janos' body, killing him. Then Dumah decided he wasn't dead enough and threw Janos
against a Pillar. He still didn't think Janos was dead enough and made shadow-thingys
brake Janos' back. About this time, Dumah was supposed to stop, but Dumah loved
killing so much that he shot Janos with a bazooka, machine gunned him, burned him at
a stake, hit him with a rake, and stabbed him with a fork, and would've done more had
Kain not stopped him)
Kain: Easy, easy. That's overkill.
Dumah: Yeah, sorry. I just get carried away.
Kain: Oh, and if the Circle is to be, you have to die as well
Necramaticoneroticonecromatic. Whatever. I admire your stupidity, but you will die as
well.
Dumah (as Mortanius): Yae and Nae, I'll embrace it! But my death will leave one more!
Finish me!
(then Dumah started trying to beat up Kain and sent skeletons after him)
Kain: How am I to finish you if you keep trying to kill me!?
Dumah (as Mortanius): You've got a point! (then he made everything dissapear) Ok,
you can kill me now.
Kain: Wow, that's awfully nice of you.
(then Kain kills him. Then he runs off stage and Turel runs up stage dressed as
Hash'ak'git. In other words, he was dressed up like a Godzilla creature, or a Gamera
creature)
Hash'ak'git: (with a very proud and poetic voice, odd for someone like the demon he
was playing as) You though yourself as king when you were a pawn? You have served
me vwell!
Kain: I didn't think I was a king. Now what's your name?
Hash'ak'git: Hash'ak'git! You have witnessed my cunning plan!
Kain: I didn't notice a cunning plan.
Hash'ak'git: You wouldn't. You're too busy waving that bent stick of yours around. It all
started when I possessed Mortanius and killed Ariel, which would be my first act in my
theatre of Moulon Rouge! Or however that's spelled.
Kain: So that's why all this has been so stupid!
Hash'ak'git: Of course! Now play on, little drummer boy, play on.
Kain: I'm not a gay drummer boy! Vae victus!
(and then the filming stopped right before the fight)
________________________________________________________
(it was after the filming and everyone was trying to think of mean ways to get back at
Kain)
Dumah: I can put parts of him in a blender!
Raziel: Too quick.
Turel: I can shove him into a well.
Raziel: Too weak.
Rahab: I canith take that mother fu'ith and kickith his stupid boneheadith damnith
stupid assith and cut him up into tiny fu'ith pieces!
Raziel: Wow.
Janos: I can-
Raziel: I don't care, you tree-hugging hippy.
(then they hear Kain screaming on the phone)
Kain: (talking to Vorador on the phone) What do you mean "Does a vampire need both
lungs?" I would think so! (listens) What? (listens) Yes, he MIGHT need that, you idiot!
(listens) I SWEAR, IF YOU MAKE HIM A EUNUCH, I'LL KILL YOU! (listens) No, I don't
want you to mail pieces in a box! (listens) If he isn't okay by the time I get there, your
ass is grass. (then Kain hangs up)
Raziel: That didn't sound good. Let's go beat up Kain!
Kain: (walking over to Raziel) I'm gonna go strangle Vorador now.
Raziel: (hops in Kain's way as Kain is trying to leave) Don't take another step, old man!
Melchiah: Raz, this probably isn't the best time.
Raziel: (to Kain) Be mean to us and we'll be mean back! Haha, I rising up against the
oppressor Kain!
Kain: ...
Raziel: Ha, he dumbfounded!
Kain: ...
Raziel: Ha, I have done it! He won't oppress me any more!
Kain: ...I have concluded that your on dope! Dope head!
Raziel: I'm not the hippy, that's Janos.
Janos: (making a peace sign) Peace man.
Raziel: Yeah, so what now!?
Kain: Unless you want Zephon castrated, I need to stop Vorador.
(then Kain just edged past Raziel)
Dumah: (sarcastically) You sure showed him, Razzyboy!
Raziel: Come on, we've gotta kill Vorador!
Turel: Hoorah!
(then they all leave)
Bloopers
-------------------------
Take 1
Kain: (looking around, surveying the scenery) This looks like a broken down trailer in
Alabama. Well, at least William the Just is dead, so Moebius' plans have been thwarted.
His horsy is out of the game.
Raziel: His horsy?
Kain: You know, that horse-thingy. I remember now, that's the bishop!
Raziel: Wrong! I hope Magnus eats Kain.
------------------------
Take 4
Kain: Why are you people always so fat?
Sumo-wrestler 1: (holding a torch) hey, don't make me have to remind you who's fat!
Kain: (confused look)
Sumo-wrestler 2: Ya, he my homeboy!
Sumo-wrestler 3: Yep, he's also the one who buys us meat! Don't insult him!
Kain: (very confused look)
-------------------------
Take 9
Kain: (still getting slapped) SHE BITCH-SLAPPED ME TO DEATH! Okay, please stop!
(but she still slapped him over and over)
Kain: I said stop. (slap) Ow, stop! (slap) STOP! (slap)
(then Kain Immolated her)
Kain: Oops.
Dumah: Kain!
Kain: Well, she wouldn't stop bitch-slapping me! I was defending myself!
-----------------------
Take 13
(He sees that everyone looks sad and disappointed) This is the best place ever! (to
Peasant 1) Can I kill you?
Peasant 1: (super excited and perky and hyper) Oh yes! Killing me! Killing me! All fall
down! Yippee, hooray! Lalalalalalalala! Hehehe! Kill, Kian's gonna kill tonight! Geehehe!
Kain: (annoyed) Who's been giving the peasants caffeine and sugar?
------------------------
Take 15
Kain: Well, I'll be damned. I don't justify my killing, as we all know. I kill because it's
fun and dead people smell like cookies! (then Kain reaches for a dead person but
instead gets nothing) Who took my dead people away! Now I can't taste cookies.
Magnus: (off-screen) YUMMY! MELCHIAH NEXT, MELCHIAH NEXT!
Melchiah: (off-screen) Ah, help me! (sounds of crashing and breaking are heard)
Magnus: (off-screen) MELCHIAH! YUMMY YUMMY FOR MY TUMMY!
Melchiah: (off-screen) Help, he's got my leg!
Turel: (off-screen) Drop it Magnus, you don't know where strange legs have been!
Magnus: (off-screen) TWO MEALS! TWO MEALS! YUMMY!
Turel: (off-screen) Ow, someone help me!
Kain: Mortanius, why couldn't you have left me dead?
----------------------
Take 18
Kain: Fine! (Kain gives him an autograph)
Sumo-wrestler 5: YEEEEEHHHH! (then the sumo-wrestler runs off, jumping up and
down like a crazed boy-band lover who just got an autograph)
Kain: I HATE THIS SUIT!
(then Kain's cell phone rings) Hello. (listens) Oh, it's you Vorador. (listens) Why, yes, I
think he'd need HIS LIVER! (listens) YES, BOTH OF THEM! (listens) WHAT DO YOU
MEAN "UH-OH!" (listens) You've lost his nose!? (listens) If you don't fix him, you will be
on the receiving end of my Soul Reaver! (listens) Why yes, that does equal a very
painful way to test if you have anything wrong with your prostate! (listens) Yes, I'll kill
you afterwards. Bye! (then Kain hangs up) (then he sighs) I REALLY shouldn't have told
him to "fix" Zephon.
Raziel: Our brother's gonna die...
---------------------
Take 20
(then Kain walks into a section of roofless castle-wannabes and sees Raziel, who is
Moebius, and Vorador with his head in a guillotine)
Vorador: Not again. This'll be the sec-
Kain: WAIT! What's Vorador doing here!?
Vorador: Well, I have to reprise my role.
Kain: Then who's taking care of Zephon!?
Vorador: (alarmed) Oh, yeah, I forgot! (then Vorador rushes out)
-------------------
Take 28
Hash'ak'git: (with a very proud and poetic voice, odd for someone like the demon he
was playing as) You though yourself as king when you were a pawn? You have served
me vwell!
Kain: I didn't think I was a king. Now what's your name?
Hash'ak'git: Hash'ak'git!
Kain: Wow! How do you remember that name!? You sound like a footballer clearing his
nose!
________________________________________________
Unfortunately, this will end soon, but it has been fun. Anyway, hope you liked this chapter and don't forget to review!
__________________________________________________
The scene is a closed and sealed off Pillars (in other words, Kain's throne)
and everyone is tense and paranoid
Zephon: They're all around me! I won't take this anymore!
Dumah: Calm down you melodramatic drip!
Turel: This is insane! None of us has any kind of disease! (then Turel sneezes)
Melchiah: Ahh! Don't sneeze in my direction!
Dumah: We're all gonna crack up and die here! I don't want to die here, you people
suck! Someone help me!
Raziel: (finally got himself untied) I'm sure there's nothing to worry about. I'm sure
none of us has anything contagious.
Melchiah: That's right. (then Melchiah's arm falls off)
Raziel: AHHH!!! GET YOUR FRICKIN' DISEASE-INFESTED GUNKY ARM AWAY FROM ME
YOU DEFORMED MOLDING FREAK!
Zephon: I'M GOIN' OFF THE DEEP END!
Turel: I'VE GOTTA KEEP MY SANITY! I HATE YOU PEOPLE!
Dumah: LET'S ALL GET TENSE! I'VE BEEN WITH YOU SUCKAS TOO LONG, NOW
YOU'RE GONNA KILL ME! AHHH!!!!!!
Melchiah: Who wants tranquilizers?
Vorador: ME!
Janos: NO! DON'T YOU SEE? THAT BASTARD WANTS US DEAD! HE'S TIPPED THE
TRANQUALIZERS WITH SYANIDE!
Vorador: SYANINE? ARE YOU SURE YOU SPELLED THAT CORRECTLY?
Janos: IF YOU DOUGHT ME I'LL KILL YOU!
Melchiah: (to Rahab) I hate this place.
Rahab: We're the only sane ones, brother Melchiah.
Raziel: YOU SICK, INFESTED BASTARD ZEPHON! YOU'RE A THING IN VAMPIRE
CLOTHING, AREN'T YOU!?
Zephon: I THINK I'M GETTING A COLD!
Turel: I'M SINGING IN THE RAIN!
Vorador: (to Turel) WHAT!?
Turel: JUST TRYING TO KEEP SANE! AHH!!!
Raziel: DO YOU WANNA TOUCH ME? DO YOU WANNA TOUCH ME? WELL TOO BAD,
YOU DISEASE CARRYING HERMAPHRODITES!
Rahab: What can we do to calm them down, brother Melchiah?
Melchiah: Why did Kain do this?
Rahab: The wicked shall receive their reward.
Melchiah: I hate Kain.
Rahab: You needn'th dislike brother Kain, brother Melchiah.
Melchiah: Well, he's doing this for a laugh!
Kain voice: Hahahahahahaha!
Melchiah: Where's that coming from?
(Kain was hearing the whole thing and laughing because Kain had put a video recorder
right under Melchiah's nose so it would look like a moustache)
Kain's voice: Ahahahahahahahaha!
Turel: WHAT IS THAT?
Raziel: (Turel had accidentally brushed his hand against Raziel) AHHHH!!!! SOMEONE
HELP ME, THE LIGHT'S ALREADY FADING! GOOD-BYE SWEET NOSGOTH!
Zephon: WHERE'S KAIN'S LAUGHTER COMING FROM?
Kain's voice: Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Melchiah: It sounds like it's coming from my...nose!
Raziel: AHHH!!!! I THINK TUREL GAVE ME SHARK POISON! MUST DESTROY THE
INFECTION! (so Raziel decides to destroy the infection by sticking his arm in fire) MY
ARM HAS BEEN BAPTIZED! (then realizing it hurts) HEY, THIS HURTS!
Melchiah: Get out of my nose, Kain!
Zephon: Whoa, is his nose gonna give birth to Kain? Eww! He'll be full of germs, then
they're gonna get on me, eat me, then I'll die! Save us someone!
Kain's voice: Hahahahahahaha!
Vorador: (grabbing onto Zephon's shoulders and shaking him) You've got to pull
yourself together man! (then he releases Zephon)
Zephon: You're right. (then thinks about something) I THINK VORADOR JUST GAVE ME
SOME STD DISEASE! AHH!!!
Melchiah: (freaking out) GET OUT OF MY NOSE KAIN! SOMEONE HELP ME! (Melchiah
then starts punching his own nose)
The scene has now switched to Kain's secret hiding place
Kain: (listening to Melchiah punching himself) Hahahahahahahahaha!
Elder God's voice: You must stop this now Kain!
Kain: Not you! I hate you!
Elder God's voice: Yes, me.
Kain: Weren't you in that book Sphere?
Elder God's voice: No! Shut up! Be nice to them, OR ELSE!
Kain: Or else what? I'm not afraid of you.
Elder God's voice: I'll give you one more chance! But if you do any other mean things to
them, you'll pay!
Kain: Yeah yeah. I think I've got a fun idea...
Back at the Pillars...
Zephon: (running around, screaming) SOMEONE HELP, I THINK I'VE GOT STD! I THINK
I MAY HAVE RABBIES!
Raziel: What are you concerned about? If I don't cut off this arm, then the infection
could kill me! All because Vorador's dirty old self touched me!
Zephon: Vorador gave me STD! I think. Anyway, let's all get him!
Janos: (to Vorador) How many times have I told you to take a bath so your funky body
wouldn't have fatal diseases!
Vorador: You're all overreacting!
Dumah: Let's kill him! He turned me into a newt!
Vorador: A newt?
Dumah: I got better. Let's kill Vorador anyway, I haven't had anything to eat in a few
days anyway!
Ghostly voice: Stop right there.
(everyone heard that Ghostly voice and stopped)
Ghostly voice: This is the ghost of Nosgoth present.
Zephon: Ahh!!! I'm afraid of ghosts.
Ghostly voice: I have come to tell you how to improve your lives.
Melchiah: I have a GHOST IN MY NOSE!
Ghostly voice: First, Vorador needs to take a bath in water.
Vorador: Please, Mr. Ghost sir, water bur-
Ghostly voice: DO YOU DOUGHT ME!? I YE DO, I'LL HAUNT YOU FOREVER!!!!!!!
Vorador: AHHH!!!! Ok, I'll do it.
Ghostly voice: Good, good.
Zephon: Oh, my turn! My turn!
Ghostly voice: Zephon, you don't have STD. (then, in a nervous tone) Nothing serious,
anyway.
Zephon: (hearing the nervous tone) WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "NOTHING SERIOUS?"
Ghostly voice: Oh, nothing, nothing. I'll just tell you that you ought to be glad you don't
have children the way humans do.
Zephon: (now a nervous wreck) AHHH!!! WHAT'S THAT MEAN? AHH!!!
Ghostly voice: Rahab, you're next.
Rahab: I'm a rabbi, so I tryith to make friends with everyoneith.
Ghostly voice: Rahab, you're beard is ugly.
Rahab: DON'T YOU INSULT MY BEARD, YOU SON OF A FEMALE DOG!
Ghostly voice: Razzyboy.
Raziel: DON'T CALL ME THAT!
Ghostly voice: You'll need to cut off more than one limb. Your body is infested with
rabbies.
Raziel: OH NO!!!!!!!
Ghostly voice: Dumah...
Dumah: (scared) Yes...
Ghostly voice: You're a perfect angel, don't ever change.
Dumah: Oh, that's awfully kind of you.
Back in Kain's secret hiding place
Kain: (making a Ghostly voice): Janos, you're a tree-hugging hippy. Stop being one.
Janos' voice: No! Hippy; good.
Kain: HAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Elder God's voice: THAT'S IT KAIN! I WARNED YOU!
Kain: I'm not afraid of you.
Elder God's voice: Hahahaha!
(then a light comes down from the sky and heavenly music plays, and from the heavens
comes Magnus, in all his insane glory. Though this time, he also held a Holy Hand
Grenade)
Kain: (seeing the holy hand grenade) Oh crap.
Magnus: KAIN IS MY FRIEND!
Kain: Don't get near me with that grenade!
Magnus: KAIN IS MY FRIEND! BRING ME MY MEAT!
Kain: No! No! No! I'm not your friend!
Magnus: WHERE'S MY MEAT? KAIN'S NOT MY FRIEND?
Kain: No. Kain's not my friend!
Magnus: (looking at the holy hand grenade) THEN YOU BLOW UP AND I GET MEAT!
Kain: No, no, no, no, no.
Magnus: (pulls the pin) I'LL GET MY MEAT IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!
Kain: Somebody help...
Magnus: (has now rushed at Kain and only inches from his face and still holding the
grenade) KAIN ISN'T MY FRIEND! KAIN'S MY MEAT!
Kain: OH SHI-
(BOOM)
Back at the Pillars
Zephon: (hearing a loud explosion, while using one of those things to test if you're
pregnant or not) What was that? (it beeps) Yes, negative!
(everyone was startled when they heard the boom. Everyone was even more startled
when Kain got blasted from the ceiling to the ground)
Janos: It's a fallen angel!
Dumah: No, it's Kain...and that thing, whatever it is.
(Kain and Magnus crawled up, Kain in a lot of pain and Magnus in no pain because he
burnt all of his nerve endings years ago when he immolated himself)
Raziel: Well, well, well. It's Kain! (everyone gathers around Kain) You gave us diseases!
Zephon: Do I look pregnant to you!?
Dumah: You're not escaping us this time, Kain!
Kain: Um, you see...
(then Magnus bursts through)
Magnus: MY MEAT! (he sees Melchiah) I REMEMBER YOU! MEAT!
Melchiah: Oh, hell no!
Kain: Ha! I'll sick Magnus on you people!
Zephon: So what? Nothing can hurt me! (then Zephon backs away, but his foot twists
and his foot ends up broken) OW! At least I go to prove that only I'm strong enough to
hurt me!
Raziel: This is all your fault, Kain! Zephon wouldn't be sitting here in pain if it weren't
for you!
Rahab: Somebody take him to the hospitalith.
Kain: (annoyed) What's the nearest hospital.
Vorador: Ooh, it's my gynecologist place!
Kain: (brightens up considerably) Really. Take him there.
Vorador: Yay!
Zephon: (while be put on a stretcher) Oh, no no no no no!
Vorador: (following him) Don't worry. I've only screwed up 9 out of the 10 times I've
done something! I'm sure to get it right this time!
Kain: Hehehe. Let's start filming.
Raziel: Not till we get an apology. We also heard a ghost.
Kain: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Turel: I recognize that laugh. You were that ghost weren't you!? Someone hold me
back! (then Turel and all the others lunge at Kain, except Magnus, who's chasing
Melchiah)
A little while later, filming starts. It's filmed at the Pillars, as always, and the
backdrop is inside the present-day castle of William the Just
Kain: (looking around, surveying the scenery) This looks like a broken down trailer in
Alabama. Well, at least William the Just is dead, so Moebius' plans have been thwarted.
His pawn is out of the game.
(Kain walked out of the room to be greeted by a sumo-wrestler with a torch)
Kain: Um...a sumo-wrestler.
Sumo-wrestler: I'm Fat Bastard! Not some retarded sumo-wrestler!
Kain: Why do you have a torch? What are you doing?
Fat Bastard: I'm carrying a torch so I can cook you, then you can GET IN MY BELLY!
Kain: (not sure about what to think about him) I'm not really afraid.
Fat Bastard: (taunting) Yeah, well I fart in your general direction! You'll feel the pain of
a fat bastard! (then Fat Bastard got his big fat foot and stomped on Kain's foot)
Kain: OW!!! That hurt you bastard! (seeing this doesn't phase him) Who is fat!
Fat Bastard: (indifferent look on is pudgy face) Oh, what the hell! I'm gonna eat ya!
(then Fat Bastard waddled toward Kain and Kain cut Fat Bastard with the Soul Reaver)
Fat Bastard: Ow! That hurt! Well, I'm a professional sumo-wrestler, and I'm gonna kill
you! (then stops for a moment) Can we wait a while till we fight? I gotta take a crap!
Kain: (disgusted) You revolting fat bastard!
(Kain took this opportunity while he was away to sneak away from Fat Bastard and
continued looking for a way out. Everything looked so different, and Kain believed it
was because the place was a little destroyed. He came upon more sumo- wrestlers)
Kain: Why are you people always so fat?
Sumo-wrestler 1: (holding a torch) Don't call me fat! It hurts me feelings.
Sumo-wrestler 2: (Scottish) Ya, we hav felings too ya know.
Sumo-wrestler 3: I'll tell my mommy on you!
(then Kain killed them all)
Kain: Christ, what's with these weirdos?
(then a very scrawny person with two sticks came up to Kain)
Scrawny sticks holder 1: Hreheheheheherhe! I have come to kill you!
Kain: (while getting hit by the sticks) (sighs) What's with all these freaks!
Scrawny sticks holder 1: Hrehehehehrheehehehe! You cannot escape my chopsticks!
Kain: You're a wimp and a loser! (then Kain kills him) Aren't there any women in
Nosgoth anymore?
(so Kain walks along and goes to the doorway when a woman comes up and bitch-slaps
Kain)
Kain: (dumbfounded) I've just got bitch-slapped.
Woman: Yeah, you vile vampire! And I'll do it again! (so she bitch-slapped him again)
Kain: I don't know how to feel about this. (then she bitch-slapped him again) Ow, that
hurt!
Woman: You vampires aren't what you used to be! (slaps him again) I remember back
in my old days...(slaps him again) ...when we used to live in fear of the big
mean dreaded vampire...(slaps him again)...we used to have to walk 15 miles in
the blazing hot cold up extremely steep mountains...(slaps him again)...just so
we could get EATEN by a vampire! (slaps him again) What's happened to vampires
these days? (slaps him again) Now they're so puny.
Kain: (with a very red face for getting slapped) This is getting rough. ARGHHHH!!!
Kain's voice: The Heart of Darkness.
(then Kain was revived)
Kain: (still getting slapped) SHE BITCH-SLAPPED ME TO DEATH! Okay, please stop!
Woman: Ok, I can either bitch-slap you repeatedly, or knee you in the groin repeatedly.
Kain: (thinking it over) Hm, bitch-slap, or kneed groin. Hm...(thinks about this very
crucial decision for a few minutes) I think I'll get slapped.
Woman: (disappointed) Aw, okay then. (slaps him)
Kain: (while getting slapped a lot) What am I gonna do? (sees a crow overhead) Idea!
(Kain then catches the crow and shoves the crow in Woman's mouth and Woman backs
away)
Woman: Ewww!!! That's nasty!
Kain: Hahaha! (then Kain eats crow) Damn, that's really good crow!
(then Kain kills Woman and ventures out of the castle to be greeted by a most familiar
scene. There are big, red demons everywhere, and everything's the way it should be)
Kain: Yep, this is definitely the dump I know. It's present time Nosgoth. But the
carnage of battle is gone! I love it when people fight, it's so funny! (he hears something
in the distance) Hark, whatith be that!? Is that...vampire blood! I must do
something, a fellow vampire may be in mortal danger!
(so Kain goes around and kills stuff)
Kain: Ah, I feel much better now.
(so Kain wanders away from the castle and sees a broken statue of Umah with a Soul
Reaver)
Kain: (finally figures the whole thing out) Damn it, the devil farts in my face once again.
I'm getting nothing but bad luck. Since I, a vampire, slayed William, these people thirst
for a new blood-vampire blood. Wait a minute! So what's new, everyone's always
wanted me dead! Well, that sucks!
(so Kain went on and arrived in Stahlberg, and people are now grim, sad and
depressed)
Kain: THIS IS MORE LIKE IT!
(then a woman comes up and bitch-slaps him)
Kain: Oh, hell no! Not this again! (he kills her and continues on. He sees that everyone
looks sad and disappointed) This is the best place ever! (to Peasant 1) Can I kill you?
Peasant 1: May as well. I so depressed. You see, it turns out that my lover was a guy
when I thought it was I girl. Things haven't been going well lat-(then Kain kills him)
Kain: I love this place!
(Kain's exiting Stahlberg, Kain saw a red diamond. He stepped on it)
Voice Recorder (with Kain's voice in it): As I wandered about more, the shrieking and
cheering became more apparent and defined. There was some sort of gathering to the
south; for with each cheer I smelled an outpour of blood.
Kain: (looking at the voice recorder) By the time this whole thing ends, I'm gonna find
out how they get my voice on that thing. (then Kain smells the air) Smells like sausages
and burgers! Someone's having a cookout down south! Yippee! Hooray!
(so Kain rushes down south and sees a sumo-wrestler and a scrawny guy)
Kain: I get it now! These people are vampire hunters!
Sumo-wrestler 4: For righteousness!
Scrawny guy: (in sophisticated tone) Hello, I'm a judge. And I'm also jury.
Kain: Well, I'll be damned. I don't justify my killing, as we all know. I kill because it's
fun and dead people smell like cookies! (now he's PO'ed) But these vampire hunters say
they do this for righteousness! All they have to do is say they think dead people smell
like cookies and that'll work!
Sumo-wrestler: Hahahaha! (then he gets killed by Kain)
Kain: (still PO'ed) They would make themselves judge and jury!
Scrawny guy: (in a sophisticated tone) No, you see, I really am a judge and a jury.
Kain: (still PO'ed) Oh. Well, that puts a damper on my "These-guys-are-full- of-it"
theory. I know! Can I be the executioner?
Scrawny guy: Why, sure.
Kain: (jumping up and down excited) Yay! (then Kain kills scrawny guy) I don't feel like
going through all this. Beguile! (so Kain's dressed as a Care Bear now. Kain was able to
get past most people without being annoyed)
Sumo-wrestler 5: (seeing Kain's costume) Can I have your autograph!
Kain: What?
Sumo-wrestler 5: You, Care Bear, is the whole reason I became a sumo- wrestler. I
wanted to be just like you!
Kain: Fine! (Kain gives him an autograph)
Sumo-wrestler 5: YEEEEEHHHH! (then the sumo-wrestler runs off, jumping up and
down like a crazed boy-band lover who just got an autograph)
Kain: I HATE THIS SUIT!
(then Kain walks into a section of roofless castle-wannabes and sees Raziel, who is
Moebius, and Vorador with his head in a guillotine)
Vorador: Not again. This'll be the second time.
(then Vorador's head gets lopped off)
Voraodr's head: Ow. Could someone hand me some ointment, my head's been cut off.
It really puts a damper on the day.
Janos (as Executioner): We are free of this unholy constipated dirty old plebian!
Raziel (as Moebius): Wait a second, my friend! Would you be free of the plague if only
one city was cleansed?
Crowd: Who cares about the other cities?
Dean Earwicker: (in bandages) Yeah!
Raziel (as Moebius): (sighs) I hate crowds. They're so stupid. Well would you spare one
wolf in a pack that has devastated your herd?
Crowd: No!
Dean Earwicker: Yes! I love lamb chops!
Raziel (as Moebius): Not him again. Then let us destroy them all!
Crowd: Yes!
Dean Earwicker: No, let's be nice to him!
Raziel (as Moebius): (sighs heavily) I hate Dean Earwicker. (then he sees Kain) Look, a
Care Bear! I love those little guys!
Crowd: (sees Kain) Care Bear! I want a hug!
Dean Earwicker: (to Raziel, as Moebius) Are you a virgin?
Kain: (infuriated) THAT'S IT! (Kain is extremely PO'ed and rips of the head of the
costume, throws it down on the ground and stomps on it over and over, and he takes
off the rest of the suit and immolates it)
Raziel (as Moebius): He beheaded the Care Bear! He killed the Care Bear!
Crowd: Die!
Dean Earwicker: That Care Bear was only around 25!
Raziel (as Moebius): We weren't gonna kill him, but he killed the Care Bear! (starts
crying)
Kain: (now realizing that he might want to learn to control his anger) (annoyed) Aw,
crap it all.
(so a crowd of 100 people come at Kain and Kain kills them all)
Kain: (seeing the infinity symbol that over Moebius' entire body) I've been tricked!
Raziel (as Moebius): Stupid.
Kain: In my haste I had not noticed that symbol on his entire body painted yellow so
anyone could see it! This is in fact the Time Streamer Moebius!
Raziel (as Moebius): Well, come on! If you can't notice this huge symbol, then anyone
that stupid deserves what they get!
Kain: Damn it, the worst part was that he was right! I feel really stupid now! Moebius,
you carbuncle-infested homo! You'll die!
Raziel (as Moebius): We will not rest till your kind is dead! I'll send you back to the
grave! And I'm NOT a homo! I'll tell my mommy on you!
Kain: (sarcastically) Oh, boo-hoo. (then Raziel is lifted up by strings to make it look like
he disappeared) You cowardly piece of...piss! (to himself) You cowardly piece of
piss? That makes no sense.
(so Kain traveled through a gate that opened up beside him and Razzyboy-)
Raziel: DON'T CALL ME RAZZYBOY!
(...and Raziel, as Moebius, was up on a ledge applying cream to his carbuncle)
Raziel (as Moebius): OH YES! THAT FEELS SO GOOD! OH, THAT CREAM REALLY HITS
THE SPOT!
Kain: You coward! Stop pleasuring yourself with cream and come down and fight!
Raziel (as Moebius): Aw damn, I've been caught. Well, here are puppets from the past!
(then a puppet Pinocchio drops on the ground) (agitated sigh) That was a
disappointment.
Kain: AHH!! PINOCCHIO IS SO GAY! (then Kain kills the gay puppet)
Raziel (as Moebius): Here's a puppet of the present! (a mathematician come down)
Kain: Who are you?
Mathematician: Aha! What is 3x + 56,000y - the square root of 2,395,487 divided by
the square root of 'c' + 59% of 45,932 times 39?
Kain: ...DIE!!!!!!!!!! I HATE MATH!!!!!! DIE DAMN YOU!!!! (so Kain slaughters the
very evil mathematician and the author grins cause the author abhors math and is bad
at math)
Raziel (as Moebius): Very well. Now for the most dangerous one! The one from ages to
come!!!
(then an old man appears with a Soul Reaver in hand)
Kain: (not part of the script) (to Raziel) Um, Raziel...who is this?
Raziel: Um...
Kain: Where's my clone that supposed to be here, Raziel? I wanna see myself!
Raziel: I don't know, your clone's supposed to be here. Who's this guy? (to Dumah,
who's off-set) Who's this guy? Where's the clone?
Dumah: (off-set) I don't know what's going on.
Kain: Who are you, old hag?
Old person with a Soul Reaver: I you must know, I'm...Michael Bell!
Kain: Who??
Michael Bell: I am a master at the Soul Reaver. I've have killed approximately
28,374,747,483,847 enemies without even getting a scratch!
Kain: Um, Razzyboy, help.
Raziel: No! After what you did to all of us!? Quarantine! Diseases! Ghostly voice! No, I
won't help! I'm gonna enjoy this!
Kain: (holding his own Soul Reaver) (to Michael Bell) You're goin' down!
Michael Bell: My eyes are open Kain! (then three stories appear behind Michael, each
story having a lever, and a portal at the top) I shall now kill you!
(so Michael starts off with a 50-hit combo, and Kain blocks, but Michael is clearly much
better with the Soul Reaver then Kain, as Kain only manages to block 9 hits, getting hit
the other 41 times. The only reason Kain's still alive is because of the Hearts of
Darkness's that are automatically used when you die)
Kain: I admit I underestimated you. But now you die!
(so Kain tries Berserking Michael, but Michael simply blocks every hit and hits Kain in
the air and juggles Kain, and Kain finally lands after 19 hits)
Kain: (in a painful and whiny voice) This is too much! (then Kain actually hits Michael)
Michael Bell: Well, how the hell did that happen? (then Michael flips the first story
switch. Then Michael teleports to the second story)
Kain: Oh, no more!
(so Kain jumps up to the second story and Michael catches him)
Michael Bell: Haha! You need to keep your friends close Kain; and your enemies even
closer! (then Michael throws Kain to the ground)
Kain: Die! (then Kain jumps at him again, and after getting hit 30 times, Kain actually
hits Michael again)
Michael Bell: Ha! Kain, did you think you were noble? (Michael pressed another switch,
this time on the second story. Then he reappears on the third)
Kain: I'm gonna kill you! (then Kain jumped up to Michael and done a punch- kick
combo and had Michael pinned)
Michael Bell: How can you blasphemy Raziel by turning him into a vampire!? (then
Michael Bell telekinetically pushed Kain away. Kain just got back up and hit Michael
again)
Kain: That'll show you!
Michael Bell: (after pulling the last switch, he reappeared in front of the portal) You
nearly had me Kain. But this is not where it ends. This drama promises more twists and
turns before this drama is over...completely. (then Michael Bell disappears through
the portal, then the portal and 3 stories disappears as well)
Raziel: Aw, damn it! He didn't kill you! (then as Moebius) Crap! If you want a job done
properly, you've got to do it yourself!
(then Raziel, as Moebius, teleports to where Kain is)
Kain: (irritated) Am I the only one who can't teleport?
Raziel (as Moebius): Now die! (he shoots lightning out of his staff, but no lightning
comes out) Oh no! Stupid Energizer batteries, they don't keep going and going!
Kain: (wicked grin) Ha! (then he strikes Raziel, who's now laying in the ground in front
of Kain) Well you really fooled me, you constipated old haggard pissle. By going back in
time, you turned William into the Nemesis!
Raziel (as Moebius): So, you've seen my plan as I've seen your destiny. The past says,
you'll die and become a vampire! Hahaha!
Kain: Well, I'm already dead, you dip-dong! As are you! (then Kain lops of Moebius'
head, which isn't Raziel's)
(now that Kain has killed him, Kain is trying to find out what to do. Then he finds an
hourglass)
Kain: I never understood how these things work. Hey, with this, Moebius could stream
time! Wow! Neat-o freat-o! (then Kain throws the hourglass into the air so that he can
catch it, but he misses and it breaks) Well, guess the sands of time have ceased to flow
now, huh?
Dumah's voice (as Mortanius): Oh goody, you killed him. Moebius always played the
trickster's part, that sick hozer! He even dressed as the Oracle. And still had that infinity
tattoo all over his body that ANY IDIOT COULD SEE!
Kain: Go to hell!
Dumah's voice (as Mortanius): Come and meet me at the Pillars for the grand finale!
You shall have your vengeance. Oh, and you still owe me for letting you become a
vampire. You owe me $3.50.
Kain: Expensive huh? I would've thought he'd be cheap.
(now Kain flys to the Pillars, where he sees Janos, as Anacrothe, and Dumah, as
Mortanius, arguing and Kain hides-)
Kain: Hide! You don't know me!
(...and I make Kain reappear behind a Pillar, watching)
Janos (as Anacrothe): You ungrateful a-hole! You sicked Kain on us as if he was some
crazed dog!
Kain: (seeing a bone) Oh, a bone!
Dumah (as Mortanius): I had to. We screwed up! All because of battery- powered head!
We failed! Boo-hoo!
Janos (as Anacrothe): We failed? Um, Nosgoth to Mortanius, we live for it! Not the
other way around!
Dumah (as Mortanius): Nosgoth to Anacrothe, uh-huh!
Janos (as Anacrothe): Nosgoth to Mortanius, nuh-uh! Anyway, stand with us or die!
Dumah (as Mortanius): You know, you're REALLY stupid to be arguing with the
Guardian of Death! Idiot!
(then Janos shot lightning at Dumah, who just absorbed it and shot a bolt through
Janos' body, killing him. Then Dumah decided he wasn't dead enough and threw Janos
against a Pillar. He still didn't think Janos was dead enough and made shadow-thingys
brake Janos' back. About this time, Dumah was supposed to stop, but Dumah loved
killing so much that he shot Janos with a bazooka, machine gunned him, burned him at
a stake, hit him with a rake, and stabbed him with a fork, and would've done more had
Kain not stopped him)
Kain: Easy, easy. That's overkill.
Dumah: Yeah, sorry. I just get carried away.
Kain: Oh, and if the Circle is to be, you have to die as well
Necramaticoneroticonecromatic. Whatever. I admire your stupidity, but you will die as
well.
Dumah (as Mortanius): Yae and Nae, I'll embrace it! But my death will leave one more!
Finish me!
(then Dumah started trying to beat up Kain and sent skeletons after him)
Kain: How am I to finish you if you keep trying to kill me!?
Dumah (as Mortanius): You've got a point! (then he made everything dissapear) Ok,
you can kill me now.
Kain: Wow, that's awfully nice of you.
(then Kain kills him. Then he runs off stage and Turel runs up stage dressed as
Hash'ak'git. In other words, he was dressed up like a Godzilla creature, or a Gamera
creature)
Hash'ak'git: (with a very proud and poetic voice, odd for someone like the demon he
was playing as) You though yourself as king when you were a pawn? You have served
me vwell!
Kain: I didn't think I was a king. Now what's your name?
Hash'ak'git: Hash'ak'git! You have witnessed my cunning plan!
Kain: I didn't notice a cunning plan.
Hash'ak'git: You wouldn't. You're too busy waving that bent stick of yours around. It all
started when I possessed Mortanius and killed Ariel, which would be my first act in my
theatre of Moulon Rouge! Or however that's spelled.
Kain: So that's why all this has been so stupid!
Hash'ak'git: Of course! Now play on, little drummer boy, play on.
Kain: I'm not a gay drummer boy! Vae victus!
(and then the filming stopped right before the fight)
________________________________________________________
(it was after the filming and everyone was trying to think of mean ways to get back at
Kain)
Dumah: I can put parts of him in a blender!
Raziel: Too quick.
Turel: I can shove him into a well.
Raziel: Too weak.
Rahab: I canith take that mother fu'ith and kickith his stupid boneheadith damnith
stupid assith and cut him up into tiny fu'ith pieces!
Raziel: Wow.
Janos: I can-
Raziel: I don't care, you tree-hugging hippy.
(then they hear Kain screaming on the phone)
Kain: (talking to Vorador on the phone) What do you mean "Does a vampire need both
lungs?" I would think so! (listens) What? (listens) Yes, he MIGHT need that, you idiot!
(listens) I SWEAR, IF YOU MAKE HIM A EUNUCH, I'LL KILL YOU! (listens) No, I don't
want you to mail pieces in a box! (listens) If he isn't okay by the time I get there, your
ass is grass. (then Kain hangs up)
Raziel: That didn't sound good. Let's go beat up Kain!
Kain: (walking over to Raziel) I'm gonna go strangle Vorador now.
Raziel: (hops in Kain's way as Kain is trying to leave) Don't take another step, old man!
Melchiah: Raz, this probably isn't the best time.
Raziel: (to Kain) Be mean to us and we'll be mean back! Haha, I rising up against the
oppressor Kain!
Kain: ...
Raziel: Ha, he dumbfounded!
Kain: ...
Raziel: Ha, I have done it! He won't oppress me any more!
Kain: ...I have concluded that your on dope! Dope head!
Raziel: I'm not the hippy, that's Janos.
Janos: (making a peace sign) Peace man.
Raziel: Yeah, so what now!?
Kain: Unless you want Zephon castrated, I need to stop Vorador.
(then Kain just edged past Raziel)
Dumah: (sarcastically) You sure showed him, Razzyboy!
Raziel: Come on, we've gotta kill Vorador!
Turel: Hoorah!
(then they all leave)
Bloopers
-------------------------
Take 1
Kain: (looking around, surveying the scenery) This looks like a broken down trailer in
Alabama. Well, at least William the Just is dead, so Moebius' plans have been thwarted.
His horsy is out of the game.
Raziel: His horsy?
Kain: You know, that horse-thingy. I remember now, that's the bishop!
Raziel: Wrong! I hope Magnus eats Kain.
------------------------
Take 4
Kain: Why are you people always so fat?
Sumo-wrestler 1: (holding a torch) hey, don't make me have to remind you who's fat!
Kain: (confused look)
Sumo-wrestler 2: Ya, he my homeboy!
Sumo-wrestler 3: Yep, he's also the one who buys us meat! Don't insult him!
Kain: (very confused look)
-------------------------
Take 9
Kain: (still getting slapped) SHE BITCH-SLAPPED ME TO DEATH! Okay, please stop!
(but she still slapped him over and over)
Kain: I said stop. (slap) Ow, stop! (slap) STOP! (slap)
(then Kain Immolated her)
Kain: Oops.
Dumah: Kain!
Kain: Well, she wouldn't stop bitch-slapping me! I was defending myself!
-----------------------
Take 13
(He sees that everyone looks sad and disappointed) This is the best place ever! (to
Peasant 1) Can I kill you?
Peasant 1: (super excited and perky and hyper) Oh yes! Killing me! Killing me! All fall
down! Yippee, hooray! Lalalalalalalala! Hehehe! Kill, Kian's gonna kill tonight! Geehehe!
Kain: (annoyed) Who's been giving the peasants caffeine and sugar?
------------------------
Take 15
Kain: Well, I'll be damned. I don't justify my killing, as we all know. I kill because it's
fun and dead people smell like cookies! (then Kain reaches for a dead person but
instead gets nothing) Who took my dead people away! Now I can't taste cookies.
Magnus: (off-screen) YUMMY! MELCHIAH NEXT, MELCHIAH NEXT!
Melchiah: (off-screen) Ah, help me! (sounds of crashing and breaking are heard)
Magnus: (off-screen) MELCHIAH! YUMMY YUMMY FOR MY TUMMY!
Melchiah: (off-screen) Help, he's got my leg!
Turel: (off-screen) Drop it Magnus, you don't know where strange legs have been!
Magnus: (off-screen) TWO MEALS! TWO MEALS! YUMMY!
Turel: (off-screen) Ow, someone help me!
Kain: Mortanius, why couldn't you have left me dead?
----------------------
Take 18
Kain: Fine! (Kain gives him an autograph)
Sumo-wrestler 5: YEEEEEHHHH! (then the sumo-wrestler runs off, jumping up and
down like a crazed boy-band lover who just got an autograph)
Kain: I HATE THIS SUIT!
(then Kain's cell phone rings) Hello. (listens) Oh, it's you Vorador. (listens) Why, yes, I
think he'd need HIS LIVER! (listens) YES, BOTH OF THEM! (listens) WHAT DO YOU
MEAN "UH-OH!" (listens) You've lost his nose!? (listens) If you don't fix him, you will be
on the receiving end of my Soul Reaver! (listens) Why yes, that does equal a very
painful way to test if you have anything wrong with your prostate! (listens) Yes, I'll kill
you afterwards. Bye! (then Kain hangs up) (then he sighs) I REALLY shouldn't have told
him to "fix" Zephon.
Raziel: Our brother's gonna die...
---------------------
Take 20
(then Kain walks into a section of roofless castle-wannabes and sees Raziel, who is
Moebius, and Vorador with his head in a guillotine)
Vorador: Not again. This'll be the sec-
Kain: WAIT! What's Vorador doing here!?
Vorador: Well, I have to reprise my role.
Kain: Then who's taking care of Zephon!?
Vorador: (alarmed) Oh, yeah, I forgot! (then Vorador rushes out)
-------------------
Take 28
Hash'ak'git: (with a very proud and poetic voice, odd for someone like the demon he
was playing as) You though yourself as king when you were a pawn? You have served
me vwell!
Kain: I didn't think I was a king. Now what's your name?
Hash'ak'git: Hash'ak'git!
Kain: Wow! How do you remember that name!? You sound like a footballer clearing his
nose!
________________________________________________
Unfortunately, this will end soon, but it has been fun. Anyway, hope you liked this chapter and don't forget to review!