Disclaimer: Why am I still doing this? I know I won't get sued. Oh well, I
don't own LoK
or any other characters pretty much
_______________________________________
The scene isn't the Pillars, but in fact it's the hospital where Vorador's
currently a gynecologist
(Kain stormed in along with the lieutenants and Kain immediately went to the
receptionist, while Dumah went around and made fun of all the sick people)
Kain: I wish to see Vorador.
Receptionist: Reason?
Kain: I want to kick his ass.
Receptionist: Ah, well we get that a lot. I'll get him out here.
Dumah: (squealing with delight) (to Turel) Turel, look!
(Turel looked at who Dumah was pointing to)
Turel: And?
Dumah: Look! It's Gidget!
Turel: Gidget?
Dumah: You know, Gidget! The Taco Bell chihuahua!
Turel: And?
Dumah: Gidget! I absolutely LOVE him!
Turel: Actually, it's a bitch.
Dumah: DON'T CALL HIM A BITCH!
Turel: No, I mean she's literally a bitch. You know, a female dog.
Dumah: Yeah right. If Gidget was a female dog, then how come Gidget dreams about
girls? (then Dumah thinks about something) If Gidget dreams about female girls and
Gidget is female...then Gidget is a lesbian! Hot damn, that makes things better!
Turel: (sighs because Dumah can be really stupid sometimes, then thinks up something
really mean) Hey, Dumah, maybe you and the dog could find a woman and start a
threesome.
Dumah: THAT'S THE BEST IDEA IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!
(then Dumah rushed over the Gidget)
Dumah: Hey Gidget, what're you doin'?
Gidget: Oh great, do you want an autograph too?
Dumah: (squeals with delight again) Can I sign your boob?
Turel: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Gidget: What are you, some sort of sick bastard?
Dumah: That's a 'no' then huh? Hey, maybe we can do something together!
Gidget: Actually there is someone I need dead.
Dumah: Who?
Gidget: That stupid lizard.
Dumah: (squeals) That Geico gecko!? Wow!
(back with Kain and the receptionist...)
Kain: When will he be here?
Receptionist: He's probably assing about. He is terrible!
Kain: Really...
Receptionist: Yeah. He thought woman had prostates.
Kain: ...I don't think I needed to know that.
Raziel: (sees the receptionist, then took an a sassy tone) We-ell. Where have you been
all my unlife?
Receptionist: What?
Raziel: Is that a mirror in your pocket?
Receptionist: ???
Raziel: Because I can see myself in your pants.
Receptionist: (irritated sigh)
Raziel: What's the tag on your shirt say? I bet it says 'Made in Heaven.'
Receptionist: Oh my lord.
Kain: Yes?
Raziel: Heaven isn't quite bright tonight, because it's missing its most beauuuutiful
angel.
(then an attractive woman walks by Raziel and Raziel stops her)
Raziel: (to Attractive Woman) Heaven isn't quite bright tonight, because it's missing its
most beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful angel.
(then Vorador walks in with a chef's apron on)
Kain: What's with the apron?
Vorador: I thought I'd cook some burgers while operating. I'm seeing if I can do two
things at once.
Kain: Riiiiiiiiiiight...
Vorador: I've lost my burger. (sees Melchiah's arm fall off) NURSE, GET THAT MAN A
DOCTOR!
Kain: No, everyone, it's okay! It happens all the time! (to Vorador) How about a
handshake?
Vorador: Sure.
(then when Vorador reaches for Kain's hand, Kain puts him in a headlock)
Kain: I want a straight answer! Is Zephon a man or a vegetable!?
Vorador: Um, I forgot how to tell male from female!
(then Kain gives him a nuggie)
Kain: Not so snarky now huh?
Vorador: What's snarky mean?
(then Kain starts punching Vorador's head)
Kain: I bet you can't tell a vibrator from a pop sickle!
Vorador: You gotta admit, they do look a lot alike!
Kain: Wrong!
(then Kain throws Vorador across the room)
Receptionist: It's always the same-old same-old around here. Every day someone beats
up Vorador for screwing up.
Vorador: Ow, my eye!
Kain: Show me Zephon!
(then Vorador leads Kain and the lieutenants to Zephon's room)
Kain: (looking at Zephon) What's that?
Vorador: Oh sorry, I must've accidentally dropped a skittle in him. (Vorador gets the
skittle out of Zephon)
Rahab: Where is hisith nose?
Vorador: Oh yeah, I forgot about that!
Dumah: I don't think we need to see below his chest...
Vorador: Oh, it really is fascinating!
Turel: (gravely) His nose isn't the only thing missing...
Kain: Vorador, either you get him back to his original self, or I'll cut off your private
parts with a pair of hedge-clippers.
Vorador: Okay, I think I can do that.
(so everyone waits in the waiting room for little over an hour and occasionally hearing
outbursts like:)
Vorador's voice: Oops. Oh twiddly-dee! That doesn't go there. Ow, that's sharp! Where
does this go?
(...and about half an hour later Vorador comes in with red on his apron)
Kain: You got him to bleed!?
Vorador: No, this is where is spilled my catsup. Follow me.
(so they all follow Vorador to Zephon's room and Zephon's as good as new)
Vorador: Unfortunately, I've got a few spare parts.
Kain: Anything else I need to know?
Vorador: Oh yes, in case anyone asks, he could always says "I was once temporarily a
eunuch, but I'm better now and I'm not anymore."
Kain: (evil glare to Vorador) (then Kain tackles Vorador and beats the crap outta him)
Zephon: (yawning) Hey guys, where am I?
Turel: Don't you remember anything that's happened?
Zephon: Um, nope.
Dumah: How can you forget?
Zephon: I think my wonderful doctor gave me some kind of anti-memory drug.
Raziel: Wonderful doctor!? Kain!
Kain: (getting up from beating up Vorador) What?
Raziel: Vorador made Zephon think that Vorador was a wonderful doctor!
Kain: (to Vorador) What'd you do now?
Vorador: I just tried my hypnotizism.
Kain: That doesn't ever work!
Zephon: (to Vorador) You've been a wonderful doctor!
Vorador: (to Kain) See? (sees Kain glare at him) (in a pitiful voice) Oh, please don't hurt
me! PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE don't hurt me.
Kain: Get him back to normal!
Vorador: Okay. (then Vorador moves to Zephon and takes out a watch) Follow the
watch. Follow the watch. FOLLOW THE WATCH! Now you are getting sleepy. You can
barely keep your eyes open. When I snap, you sleep. (Vorador snaps)
Zephon: Zzzzzzz.
Rahab: Zzzzzzz.
Kain: (irritated sigh)
Vorador: Want me to do something to Rahab?
Kain: No, leave Rehab alone. (to Dumah) Wake Rehab up.
Dumah: All right. (Dumah gets a bucket, finds a sink, and dumps water all over Rahab.
But Rahab doesn't wake up!) Wha? He won't wake up!
Kain: Damn it Vorador, you had to screw up aga-heeeey. I've got a cunning plan.
Vorador: (Kain whispers something to Vorador) Oh, okay. When I snap my finger again,
Zephon will remember what happened and Rehab, I mean Rahab will no longer be a
rabbi. (then Vorador snaps)
Rahab: (wakes up) What in the hell of a is goin' on here?
Dumah: What in the hell of a?
Rahab: (feels the water) OW! DRIBBLES BURN!
Zephon: Where's the idiot Vorador? He can't cut a piece of paper, much less a body
part correctly.
Rahab: OW! (then Rahab is in so much pain that he falls on Zephon's body, making his
bed roll and wobble and making it roll to the window)
Zephon: Oh hell no! IF I'M GOING DOWN, VORADOR'S COMING WITH ME!
(then, since the bed rolled past Vorador, Zephon grabbed onto Vorador, who also fell
onto the bed and the bed rolled out the 2nd floor window)
Zephon's voice: Geronimo!
Kain: (turning to Dumah with an evil snarl) (sarcastically) WELL, THANKS A LOT
RAZIEL!
Raziel: (disbelief) Wha? Me? Wha? Dumah? He? I? Unfair.
Kain: (to Raziel) YOU JUST HAD TO GO AND GET REHAB WET, DIDN'T YOU!?
Raziel: Wha? Me? Him. Me? Dumah. Unfair. (then Kain left to the Pillars)
Dumah: Whew, that was a close one.
Raziel: THAT'S NO FAIR! MY DADDY HATES ME!
Dumah: And I'm the favorite. Man, unlife is good!
Raziel: No fair...
Turel: Hey, Dumah, you can't leave without an autograph from your idol, can you?
Dumah: Oh yeah! (then Dumah rushes to the waiting room and finds Gidget) Gidget,
it's been fun. (then Turel walks in) But this just isn't right. Another time, maybe. Please
understand.
Turel: ...
Dumah: Goodbye. (then all but Turel leaves)
Gidget: Man, that guy was a freak.
Turel: Yep. (tosses Gidget a penny) Here's a penny for your troubles. See you, space
chihuahua. (then Turel leaves)
Gidget: Space chihuahua?
The scene is now the Pillars and the fight between Kain and Turel, who is
Hash, has now begun. Rahab, Zephon, and Vorador are in bandages
Kain: (looking for Turel, dressed as Hash) Where are you?
Turel (as Hash'ak'git): (tunneling up from the ground) Hahahahaha! Now I'll stand here
motionless like some retard while you hit me.
Kain: (hitting Turel, who's Hash'ak'git) Die! I would say your name, but it's harder to
remember than the name of most of the towns here!
Turel (as Hash'ak'git): Ow! Ow! Ow, you can stop hitting me now. Of course, it doesn't
help that I'm standing here like a retard, letting you hit me. Ow!
(then Turel tunneled under ground)
Kain: Where are you, you coward! Come on up!
(so Turel came on up...right under Kain)
Kain: Ow, that hurt you a-hole!
Turel (as Hash'ak'git): Get on up-ah, get on up-ah.
Kain: (getting up and charging at Turel) Yahhhh!!!!
(then Kain totally unloaded on Turel till he was defeated and Zephon, as Ariel
appeared)
Kain: What perfect timing, right AFTER I beat the big, mean, scary thing.
Zephon (as Ariel): (in a manly voice-just picture Ariel sounding like Mr. T and you'll
have the voice Zephon's doing) Sorry, I was grooming my back hairs. Oh, and guess
what? You're the final Pillar guardian!
Kain: Wow. That fate of Nosgoth is at my whim.
Zephon (as Ariel): Oh, crap.
Then Rahab puts a black piece of paper in front of the camera and the piece
of paper says "Here's what could have happened"
Dumah (v.o.): The "Kain's not so bad after all" ending.
Kain: Ahem, what to do, what to do? Either kill myself or damn Nosgoth.
Zephon (as Ariel): (with Mr. T voice) Hurry up!
Kain: I'm hurrying. Let's see, Nosgoth is mighty pretty.
Zephon (as Ariel): ?
Kain: You know what? I think I've decided to die for the good of Nosgoth. Hoorah!
Zephon (as Ariel): (with Mr. T voice) Hoorah, foo'!
Kain: I mean, this place is so BEAUTIFUL! I must return it to its former glory! It's so
beautiful, just like duck tape.
Zephon (as Ariel): (with Mr. T voice) Huh, foo'! Just die, I pity foo's like you!
Kain: Good-bye sweet Nosgoth.
(then Kain stabbed himself through the chest with the Soul Reaver and dramatic music
played till Kain realized there was something strange going on)
Kain: (standing there with the Soul Reaver impaled through him) Um, something isn't
quite right here.
Zephon (as Ariel): (was making plans for a funeral and cheering cause Kain was dead,
but then found out that Kain was still present) (cue Mr. T voice) Wha? Why aren't you
dead!? Are you too stupid to know how to die, foo'!?
Kain: Um...I should be dead.
Zephon (as Ariel): (with Mr. T voice) Let me see! (so Zephon takes the Soul Reaver out
of Kian and stabs Kain 100 times)
Kain: (after being stabbed 100 times) Ow.
Zephon (as Ariel): (as Mr. T and outraged) NOW WHAT YOU DOIN' STILL ALIVE, FOO'!
Kain: I don't know.
Zephon (as Ariel): (cue Mr. T voice) Let me try something.
(so Zephon picked up Kain and rammed Kain headfirst into the Pillar of Death)
Kain: Ow. That didn't kill me but it hurt a lot.
Zephon (as Ariel): (Mr. T voice) Why won't you die! Stop being selfish! (then Zephon
gets out a trombone and smacks Kain in the head with it)
Kain: Stop it! That doesn't work!
Zephon (as Ariel): (Mr. T voice) Oh. (hits him in the head with the trombone again)
Kain: Ariel!
Zephon (as Ariel): (hits him again with the trombone)
Kain: Ariel! That's not working! We'll have to find another way!
Zephon (as Ariel): (Mr. T voice) Yes, I suppose you're right. (hits him again)
Kain: Ariel!
Zephon (as Ariel): (Mr. T voice) Sorry, I thought it'd work if I caught you by surprise.
Kain: If you want a job done properly, you've got to do it yourself.
(so Kain went over to the Pillar of Death and he'd rear his head back and then smack it
into the Pillar, and each time he'd rear his head back, Zephon would hit his head with
the trombone, then Kain would smack his head onto the Pillar, and that same pattern
would continue until Kain realized this might not be working)
Kain: (heavy sigh)
Zephon (as Ariel): (Mr. T voice) What's that on your armor?
Kain: (looks at a button on his armor) Oh, it's a self-destruct button! (he pushes the
button) Hey, now my suit lights up! Nea-
(BOOM!)
(then everything started to become pretty again)
Zephon (as Ariel): (Mr. T voice) He was an idiot and a loser in death, but after death,
he was still considered an idiot and a loser, so I guess that wasn't worth it.
Then the black paper comes up again saying "Here's what could have
happened"
Dumah (v.o.): The "Let's all beat the crap out of Vorador" ending.
Kain: Hm, should I die or live?
Zephon (as Ariel): I think you should die!
Kain: That's mean!
Zephon (as Ariel): But I know someone else who should die more!
Kain: Do you mean...
Zephon (as Ariel): Yes, I do!
Kain and Zephon (as Ariel): Let's kill Vorador instead!
Zephon: Yippee, hooray!
Rahab: (stepping up to the set) Let's kill him!
Kain: We can pretend he's me and then when he dies, the Pillars will be restored!
Zephon (as Ariel) I'll fetch him!
Kain: That's my girl!
(then Zephon goes and fetches Vorador)
Kain: Yay, you're here.
Vorador: I've got a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Rahab: That's probably indigestion.
Zephon (as Ariel): You have nothing to worry about.
(then they all gang up on him and beat the crap outta him)
Vorador: (while getting beat up) Ow, my eye!
Rahab: I'll kill you! (hits Vorador)
Vorador: Ow, that's my eye again!
Kain: You're an asshole just like me! (punches Vorador)
Vorador: My eye again!
Zephon (as Ariel): You filthy, perverted dip-dong! (hits Vorador)
Vorador: You're gonna kill my eye!
(then someone 'accidentally' knocked Vorador's head off)
Kain: (sarcastically) Oops.
Vorador's head: Aw damn it, not again.
Kain: (brightens up because he just had an idea) Let's offer his body to the Pillars!
Zephon (as Ariel): Awesome idea!
(the Vorador's body was offered and it restored the Pillars)
Vorador's head: Aw crap, now how am I gonna get around the place?
Rahab: Let's go bowling! I bet I can find my own custom bowling ball!
Everyone: Yeah!
Vorador's head: I got a feeling that this is not gonna be pretty.
Once again, there's a black piece of paper that says "Here's what could have
happened"
Dumah (v.o.): The "Indecisive" ending.
Kain: Hm, rule or damn.
Zephon (as Ariel): Hurry up.
Kain: Wait a minute! I think I'll choose...to die!
Zephon (as Ariel): Really!?
Kain: Um...no. I think I might damn Nosgoth.
Zephon (as Ariel): (disappointed) Really?
Kain: Er...maybe. Hm, I don't know.
Zephon (as Ariel): Hurry up, I don't want to be here all day!
Kain: I've decided! I'm gonna go eat!
Zephon (as Ariel): No no no no no no, you have to choose first!
Kain: I'll choose when I get back, I promise!
Zephon (as Ariel): Don't be long!
Kain: I won't.
(50 days later)
Zephon (as Ariel): I hate that bastard Kain.
(then Kain strolled by the Pillars)
Kain: Oh yeah, I forgot all about this place!
Zephon (as Ariel): HOW CAN YOU FORGET ABOUT THIS PLACE!? THE MOST
IMPORTANT PLACE IN NOSGOTH!!
Kain: Easy. I was drunk.
Zephon (as Ariel): (not really caring anymore) GOOD! DON'T CARE! NOW DECIDE!
Kain: Um, I don't know...
Zephon (as Ariel): ARGHHHHHHHHH!!! (then Zephon, as Ariel, got tired of Kain and
killed Kain) Hey, I've just killed Kain! That should restore Nosgoth!
(but Nosgoth didn't change...at all. No, that's a lie, something that did change is
that a plant grew, but Janos ate it)
Zephon (as Ariel): Aw damn it! I guess killing him wouldn't change Nosgoth. (to Kain's
dead body) Sorry, my bad!
You get the drift. Black paper saying "Here's what could have happened"
Dumah (v.o.): The "Future Assassins" ending.
Kain: Hm, save or damn it.
Zephon (as Ariel): Don't curse like that!
Kain: Sorry.
(then the lieutenants appeared holding a portable Time Streaming Device)
Kain: Who are you?
Raziel: We came here to kill you so you don't get me to kill us after I die!
Kain: I've gone cross-eyed.
Janos (as Future Zephon): (seeing Zephon, playing as Ariel) Is this Ariel? She's
beautiful.
Dumah: If we kill you, we won't die!
Turel: You know, all we have to do is kill Raziel before Raziel does.
Kain: What the hell's going on?
Rahab: Well, yeah.
Turel: Let's kill Razzyboy!
Melchiah: Yay!
Raziel: Don't call me Razzyboy!
Dumah: Come on Zephon, let's go!
Janos (as Future Zephon): Can I take this beautiful creature named Ariel with me?
Raziel: Sure. Let's kill me everyone!
Turel: Hoorah! Let's kill Razzyboy!
(then everyone disappears, including Zephon as Ariel, but excluding Kain)
Raziel's voice: Don't call me Razzyboy!
Kain: What the hell just happened? I'm confused. Now what am I gonna do with
Nosgoth! Oh sh&#!
Black piece of paper, but this time it says "But this is what really happened"
Dumah (v.o.): The "Real" ending.
Kain: You know, this place really sucks!
Zephon (as Ariel): What?
Kain: This place sucks badly. Everyone here wants to kill me! I can't even get a drink!
Zephon (as Ariel): There is more to life than getting drunk.
Kain: Pfft! Yeah right! Plus, sumo-wrestlers are stupid! I damn you all!
Zephon (as Ariel): Wait! If you love me, you won't destroy this place.
Kain: Oh good. THIS PLACE IS GOING DOWN!
(then Kain destroys the Pillars, and are soon using them as a throne)
Kain: Vorador was right for a change. We are dark gods. Humans are food. Any
questions? Oh, and I told you I didn't do it! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! (then he
chokes on the blood-in-a-glass) Hack, hack, kack...I meant to do that.
THE END!
The Cast:
Kain the Excellent: Kain
Nupraptor: Melchiah
Malek the Sarafan: Jano Audrey
Moebius: ???
Ariel: Zephon the Stupid
Mortanius: Dumah
Bane the Antler-head: Rehab
Hash'sonething'something: Turel
Vorador: Vorador the Perverted Smelly Old Bastard
Everyone else: Anyone else
Copywrong
Kain films presentation
_________________________________________________________
Raziel: (seeing the cast) Where's my name!
Kain: (sarcastically) Oh oops.
Raziel: I'm gonna put my name up on there!
Dumah: I'm gonna be a star!
Zephon: What should I wear to the opening?
Kain: A guy's clothes.
Rahab: This will be my leading role in my career.
Kain: Rehab, you were a nerd before the filming, and still afterwards, you'll be a famous
nerd like Bill Gates.
Melchiah: Any words of encouragement for me?
Kain: No. You were horrible.
Janos: And me?
Kain: No. I hate you. Come on everyone, let's go!
Raziel: Haha, my name's in the credits now!
(so then everyone leaves and all the lights are out, and sitting in a lonely corner is
Vorador's head)
Vorador's head: Hey, anybody, somebody, y'all forgot about me! Hey, I can talk, I
thought my vocal cords were in my body! And I can breath too! Neat-o freat- o! (then
Vorador's head feels something) Uh-oh. I've got an ITCH ON MY HEAD! Help someone!
It needs to be scratched! Someone, my head itches! (sighs) I hate Kain.
_____________________________________________
This was the last Blood Omen 1 chapter, but don't go anywhere cause there are still 2
more chapters to come! Don't forget to review!
or any other characters pretty much
_______________________________________
The scene isn't the Pillars, but in fact it's the hospital where Vorador's
currently a gynecologist
(Kain stormed in along with the lieutenants and Kain immediately went to the
receptionist, while Dumah went around and made fun of all the sick people)
Kain: I wish to see Vorador.
Receptionist: Reason?
Kain: I want to kick his ass.
Receptionist: Ah, well we get that a lot. I'll get him out here.
Dumah: (squealing with delight) (to Turel) Turel, look!
(Turel looked at who Dumah was pointing to)
Turel: And?
Dumah: Look! It's Gidget!
Turel: Gidget?
Dumah: You know, Gidget! The Taco Bell chihuahua!
Turel: And?
Dumah: Gidget! I absolutely LOVE him!
Turel: Actually, it's a bitch.
Dumah: DON'T CALL HIM A BITCH!
Turel: No, I mean she's literally a bitch. You know, a female dog.
Dumah: Yeah right. If Gidget was a female dog, then how come Gidget dreams about
girls? (then Dumah thinks about something) If Gidget dreams about female girls and
Gidget is female...then Gidget is a lesbian! Hot damn, that makes things better!
Turel: (sighs because Dumah can be really stupid sometimes, then thinks up something
really mean) Hey, Dumah, maybe you and the dog could find a woman and start a
threesome.
Dumah: THAT'S THE BEST IDEA IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!
(then Dumah rushed over the Gidget)
Dumah: Hey Gidget, what're you doin'?
Gidget: Oh great, do you want an autograph too?
Dumah: (squeals with delight again) Can I sign your boob?
Turel: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Gidget: What are you, some sort of sick bastard?
Dumah: That's a 'no' then huh? Hey, maybe we can do something together!
Gidget: Actually there is someone I need dead.
Dumah: Who?
Gidget: That stupid lizard.
Dumah: (squeals) That Geico gecko!? Wow!
(back with Kain and the receptionist...)
Kain: When will he be here?
Receptionist: He's probably assing about. He is terrible!
Kain: Really...
Receptionist: Yeah. He thought woman had prostates.
Kain: ...I don't think I needed to know that.
Raziel: (sees the receptionist, then took an a sassy tone) We-ell. Where have you been
all my unlife?
Receptionist: What?
Raziel: Is that a mirror in your pocket?
Receptionist: ???
Raziel: Because I can see myself in your pants.
Receptionist: (irritated sigh)
Raziel: What's the tag on your shirt say? I bet it says 'Made in Heaven.'
Receptionist: Oh my lord.
Kain: Yes?
Raziel: Heaven isn't quite bright tonight, because it's missing its most beauuuutiful
angel.
(then an attractive woman walks by Raziel and Raziel stops her)
Raziel: (to Attractive Woman) Heaven isn't quite bright tonight, because it's missing its
most beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful angel.
(then Vorador walks in with a chef's apron on)
Kain: What's with the apron?
Vorador: I thought I'd cook some burgers while operating. I'm seeing if I can do two
things at once.
Kain: Riiiiiiiiiiight...
Vorador: I've lost my burger. (sees Melchiah's arm fall off) NURSE, GET THAT MAN A
DOCTOR!
Kain: No, everyone, it's okay! It happens all the time! (to Vorador) How about a
handshake?
Vorador: Sure.
(then when Vorador reaches for Kain's hand, Kain puts him in a headlock)
Kain: I want a straight answer! Is Zephon a man or a vegetable!?
Vorador: Um, I forgot how to tell male from female!
(then Kain gives him a nuggie)
Kain: Not so snarky now huh?
Vorador: What's snarky mean?
(then Kain starts punching Vorador's head)
Kain: I bet you can't tell a vibrator from a pop sickle!
Vorador: You gotta admit, they do look a lot alike!
Kain: Wrong!
(then Kain throws Vorador across the room)
Receptionist: It's always the same-old same-old around here. Every day someone beats
up Vorador for screwing up.
Vorador: Ow, my eye!
Kain: Show me Zephon!
(then Vorador leads Kain and the lieutenants to Zephon's room)
Kain: (looking at Zephon) What's that?
Vorador: Oh sorry, I must've accidentally dropped a skittle in him. (Vorador gets the
skittle out of Zephon)
Rahab: Where is hisith nose?
Vorador: Oh yeah, I forgot about that!
Dumah: I don't think we need to see below his chest...
Vorador: Oh, it really is fascinating!
Turel: (gravely) His nose isn't the only thing missing...
Kain: Vorador, either you get him back to his original self, or I'll cut off your private
parts with a pair of hedge-clippers.
Vorador: Okay, I think I can do that.
(so everyone waits in the waiting room for little over an hour and occasionally hearing
outbursts like:)
Vorador's voice: Oops. Oh twiddly-dee! That doesn't go there. Ow, that's sharp! Where
does this go?
(...and about half an hour later Vorador comes in with red on his apron)
Kain: You got him to bleed!?
Vorador: No, this is where is spilled my catsup. Follow me.
(so they all follow Vorador to Zephon's room and Zephon's as good as new)
Vorador: Unfortunately, I've got a few spare parts.
Kain: Anything else I need to know?
Vorador: Oh yes, in case anyone asks, he could always says "I was once temporarily a
eunuch, but I'm better now and I'm not anymore."
Kain: (evil glare to Vorador) (then Kain tackles Vorador and beats the crap outta him)
Zephon: (yawning) Hey guys, where am I?
Turel: Don't you remember anything that's happened?
Zephon: Um, nope.
Dumah: How can you forget?
Zephon: I think my wonderful doctor gave me some kind of anti-memory drug.
Raziel: Wonderful doctor!? Kain!
Kain: (getting up from beating up Vorador) What?
Raziel: Vorador made Zephon think that Vorador was a wonderful doctor!
Kain: (to Vorador) What'd you do now?
Vorador: I just tried my hypnotizism.
Kain: That doesn't ever work!
Zephon: (to Vorador) You've been a wonderful doctor!
Vorador: (to Kain) See? (sees Kain glare at him) (in a pitiful voice) Oh, please don't hurt
me! PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE don't hurt me.
Kain: Get him back to normal!
Vorador: Okay. (then Vorador moves to Zephon and takes out a watch) Follow the
watch. Follow the watch. FOLLOW THE WATCH! Now you are getting sleepy. You can
barely keep your eyes open. When I snap, you sleep. (Vorador snaps)
Zephon: Zzzzzzz.
Rahab: Zzzzzzz.
Kain: (irritated sigh)
Vorador: Want me to do something to Rahab?
Kain: No, leave Rehab alone. (to Dumah) Wake Rehab up.
Dumah: All right. (Dumah gets a bucket, finds a sink, and dumps water all over Rahab.
But Rahab doesn't wake up!) Wha? He won't wake up!
Kain: Damn it Vorador, you had to screw up aga-heeeey. I've got a cunning plan.
Vorador: (Kain whispers something to Vorador) Oh, okay. When I snap my finger again,
Zephon will remember what happened and Rehab, I mean Rahab will no longer be a
rabbi. (then Vorador snaps)
Rahab: (wakes up) What in the hell of a is goin' on here?
Dumah: What in the hell of a?
Rahab: (feels the water) OW! DRIBBLES BURN!
Zephon: Where's the idiot Vorador? He can't cut a piece of paper, much less a body
part correctly.
Rahab: OW! (then Rahab is in so much pain that he falls on Zephon's body, making his
bed roll and wobble and making it roll to the window)
Zephon: Oh hell no! IF I'M GOING DOWN, VORADOR'S COMING WITH ME!
(then, since the bed rolled past Vorador, Zephon grabbed onto Vorador, who also fell
onto the bed and the bed rolled out the 2nd floor window)
Zephon's voice: Geronimo!
Kain: (turning to Dumah with an evil snarl) (sarcastically) WELL, THANKS A LOT
RAZIEL!
Raziel: (disbelief) Wha? Me? Wha? Dumah? He? I? Unfair.
Kain: (to Raziel) YOU JUST HAD TO GO AND GET REHAB WET, DIDN'T YOU!?
Raziel: Wha? Me? Him. Me? Dumah. Unfair. (then Kain left to the Pillars)
Dumah: Whew, that was a close one.
Raziel: THAT'S NO FAIR! MY DADDY HATES ME!
Dumah: And I'm the favorite. Man, unlife is good!
Raziel: No fair...
Turel: Hey, Dumah, you can't leave without an autograph from your idol, can you?
Dumah: Oh yeah! (then Dumah rushes to the waiting room and finds Gidget) Gidget,
it's been fun. (then Turel walks in) But this just isn't right. Another time, maybe. Please
understand.
Turel: ...
Dumah: Goodbye. (then all but Turel leaves)
Gidget: Man, that guy was a freak.
Turel: Yep. (tosses Gidget a penny) Here's a penny for your troubles. See you, space
chihuahua. (then Turel leaves)
Gidget: Space chihuahua?
The scene is now the Pillars and the fight between Kain and Turel, who is
Hash, has now begun. Rahab, Zephon, and Vorador are in bandages
Kain: (looking for Turel, dressed as Hash) Where are you?
Turel (as Hash'ak'git): (tunneling up from the ground) Hahahahaha! Now I'll stand here
motionless like some retard while you hit me.
Kain: (hitting Turel, who's Hash'ak'git) Die! I would say your name, but it's harder to
remember than the name of most of the towns here!
Turel (as Hash'ak'git): Ow! Ow! Ow, you can stop hitting me now. Of course, it doesn't
help that I'm standing here like a retard, letting you hit me. Ow!
(then Turel tunneled under ground)
Kain: Where are you, you coward! Come on up!
(so Turel came on up...right under Kain)
Kain: Ow, that hurt you a-hole!
Turel (as Hash'ak'git): Get on up-ah, get on up-ah.
Kain: (getting up and charging at Turel) Yahhhh!!!!
(then Kain totally unloaded on Turel till he was defeated and Zephon, as Ariel
appeared)
Kain: What perfect timing, right AFTER I beat the big, mean, scary thing.
Zephon (as Ariel): (in a manly voice-just picture Ariel sounding like Mr. T and you'll
have the voice Zephon's doing) Sorry, I was grooming my back hairs. Oh, and guess
what? You're the final Pillar guardian!
Kain: Wow. That fate of Nosgoth is at my whim.
Zephon (as Ariel): Oh, crap.
Then Rahab puts a black piece of paper in front of the camera and the piece
of paper says "Here's what could have happened"
Dumah (v.o.): The "Kain's not so bad after all" ending.
Kain: Ahem, what to do, what to do? Either kill myself or damn Nosgoth.
Zephon (as Ariel): (with Mr. T voice) Hurry up!
Kain: I'm hurrying. Let's see, Nosgoth is mighty pretty.
Zephon (as Ariel): ?
Kain: You know what? I think I've decided to die for the good of Nosgoth. Hoorah!
Zephon (as Ariel): (with Mr. T voice) Hoorah, foo'!
Kain: I mean, this place is so BEAUTIFUL! I must return it to its former glory! It's so
beautiful, just like duck tape.
Zephon (as Ariel): (with Mr. T voice) Huh, foo'! Just die, I pity foo's like you!
Kain: Good-bye sweet Nosgoth.
(then Kain stabbed himself through the chest with the Soul Reaver and dramatic music
played till Kain realized there was something strange going on)
Kain: (standing there with the Soul Reaver impaled through him) Um, something isn't
quite right here.
Zephon (as Ariel): (was making plans for a funeral and cheering cause Kain was dead,
but then found out that Kain was still present) (cue Mr. T voice) Wha? Why aren't you
dead!? Are you too stupid to know how to die, foo'!?
Kain: Um...I should be dead.
Zephon (as Ariel): (with Mr. T voice) Let me see! (so Zephon takes the Soul Reaver out
of Kian and stabs Kain 100 times)
Kain: (after being stabbed 100 times) Ow.
Zephon (as Ariel): (as Mr. T and outraged) NOW WHAT YOU DOIN' STILL ALIVE, FOO'!
Kain: I don't know.
Zephon (as Ariel): (cue Mr. T voice) Let me try something.
(so Zephon picked up Kain and rammed Kain headfirst into the Pillar of Death)
Kain: Ow. That didn't kill me but it hurt a lot.
Zephon (as Ariel): (Mr. T voice) Why won't you die! Stop being selfish! (then Zephon
gets out a trombone and smacks Kain in the head with it)
Kain: Stop it! That doesn't work!
Zephon (as Ariel): (Mr. T voice) Oh. (hits him in the head with the trombone again)
Kain: Ariel!
Zephon (as Ariel): (hits him again with the trombone)
Kain: Ariel! That's not working! We'll have to find another way!
Zephon (as Ariel): (Mr. T voice) Yes, I suppose you're right. (hits him again)
Kain: Ariel!
Zephon (as Ariel): (Mr. T voice) Sorry, I thought it'd work if I caught you by surprise.
Kain: If you want a job done properly, you've got to do it yourself.
(so Kain went over to the Pillar of Death and he'd rear his head back and then smack it
into the Pillar, and each time he'd rear his head back, Zephon would hit his head with
the trombone, then Kain would smack his head onto the Pillar, and that same pattern
would continue until Kain realized this might not be working)
Kain: (heavy sigh)
Zephon (as Ariel): (Mr. T voice) What's that on your armor?
Kain: (looks at a button on his armor) Oh, it's a self-destruct button! (he pushes the
button) Hey, now my suit lights up! Nea-
(BOOM!)
(then everything started to become pretty again)
Zephon (as Ariel): (Mr. T voice) He was an idiot and a loser in death, but after death,
he was still considered an idiot and a loser, so I guess that wasn't worth it.
Then the black paper comes up again saying "Here's what could have
happened"
Dumah (v.o.): The "Let's all beat the crap out of Vorador" ending.
Kain: Hm, should I die or live?
Zephon (as Ariel): I think you should die!
Kain: That's mean!
Zephon (as Ariel): But I know someone else who should die more!
Kain: Do you mean...
Zephon (as Ariel): Yes, I do!
Kain and Zephon (as Ariel): Let's kill Vorador instead!
Zephon: Yippee, hooray!
Rahab: (stepping up to the set) Let's kill him!
Kain: We can pretend he's me and then when he dies, the Pillars will be restored!
Zephon (as Ariel) I'll fetch him!
Kain: That's my girl!
(then Zephon goes and fetches Vorador)
Kain: Yay, you're here.
Vorador: I've got a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Rahab: That's probably indigestion.
Zephon (as Ariel): You have nothing to worry about.
(then they all gang up on him and beat the crap outta him)
Vorador: (while getting beat up) Ow, my eye!
Rahab: I'll kill you! (hits Vorador)
Vorador: Ow, that's my eye again!
Kain: You're an asshole just like me! (punches Vorador)
Vorador: My eye again!
Zephon (as Ariel): You filthy, perverted dip-dong! (hits Vorador)
Vorador: You're gonna kill my eye!
(then someone 'accidentally' knocked Vorador's head off)
Kain: (sarcastically) Oops.
Vorador's head: Aw damn it, not again.
Kain: (brightens up because he just had an idea) Let's offer his body to the Pillars!
Zephon (as Ariel): Awesome idea!
(the Vorador's body was offered and it restored the Pillars)
Vorador's head: Aw crap, now how am I gonna get around the place?
Rahab: Let's go bowling! I bet I can find my own custom bowling ball!
Everyone: Yeah!
Vorador's head: I got a feeling that this is not gonna be pretty.
Once again, there's a black piece of paper that says "Here's what could have
happened"
Dumah (v.o.): The "Indecisive" ending.
Kain: Hm, rule or damn.
Zephon (as Ariel): Hurry up.
Kain: Wait a minute! I think I'll choose...to die!
Zephon (as Ariel): Really!?
Kain: Um...no. I think I might damn Nosgoth.
Zephon (as Ariel): (disappointed) Really?
Kain: Er...maybe. Hm, I don't know.
Zephon (as Ariel): Hurry up, I don't want to be here all day!
Kain: I've decided! I'm gonna go eat!
Zephon (as Ariel): No no no no no no, you have to choose first!
Kain: I'll choose when I get back, I promise!
Zephon (as Ariel): Don't be long!
Kain: I won't.
(50 days later)
Zephon (as Ariel): I hate that bastard Kain.
(then Kain strolled by the Pillars)
Kain: Oh yeah, I forgot all about this place!
Zephon (as Ariel): HOW CAN YOU FORGET ABOUT THIS PLACE!? THE MOST
IMPORTANT PLACE IN NOSGOTH!!
Kain: Easy. I was drunk.
Zephon (as Ariel): (not really caring anymore) GOOD! DON'T CARE! NOW DECIDE!
Kain: Um, I don't know...
Zephon (as Ariel): ARGHHHHHHHHH!!! (then Zephon, as Ariel, got tired of Kain and
killed Kain) Hey, I've just killed Kain! That should restore Nosgoth!
(but Nosgoth didn't change...at all. No, that's a lie, something that did change is
that a plant grew, but Janos ate it)
Zephon (as Ariel): Aw damn it! I guess killing him wouldn't change Nosgoth. (to Kain's
dead body) Sorry, my bad!
You get the drift. Black paper saying "Here's what could have happened"
Dumah (v.o.): The "Future Assassins" ending.
Kain: Hm, save or damn it.
Zephon (as Ariel): Don't curse like that!
Kain: Sorry.
(then the lieutenants appeared holding a portable Time Streaming Device)
Kain: Who are you?
Raziel: We came here to kill you so you don't get me to kill us after I die!
Kain: I've gone cross-eyed.
Janos (as Future Zephon): (seeing Zephon, playing as Ariel) Is this Ariel? She's
beautiful.
Dumah: If we kill you, we won't die!
Turel: You know, all we have to do is kill Raziel before Raziel does.
Kain: What the hell's going on?
Rahab: Well, yeah.
Turel: Let's kill Razzyboy!
Melchiah: Yay!
Raziel: Don't call me Razzyboy!
Dumah: Come on Zephon, let's go!
Janos (as Future Zephon): Can I take this beautiful creature named Ariel with me?
Raziel: Sure. Let's kill me everyone!
Turel: Hoorah! Let's kill Razzyboy!
(then everyone disappears, including Zephon as Ariel, but excluding Kain)
Raziel's voice: Don't call me Razzyboy!
Kain: What the hell just happened? I'm confused. Now what am I gonna do with
Nosgoth! Oh sh&#!
Black piece of paper, but this time it says "But this is what really happened"
Dumah (v.o.): The "Real" ending.
Kain: You know, this place really sucks!
Zephon (as Ariel): What?
Kain: This place sucks badly. Everyone here wants to kill me! I can't even get a drink!
Zephon (as Ariel): There is more to life than getting drunk.
Kain: Pfft! Yeah right! Plus, sumo-wrestlers are stupid! I damn you all!
Zephon (as Ariel): Wait! If you love me, you won't destroy this place.
Kain: Oh good. THIS PLACE IS GOING DOWN!
(then Kain destroys the Pillars, and are soon using them as a throne)
Kain: Vorador was right for a change. We are dark gods. Humans are food. Any
questions? Oh, and I told you I didn't do it! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! (then he
chokes on the blood-in-a-glass) Hack, hack, kack...I meant to do that.
THE END!
The Cast:
Kain the Excellent: Kain
Nupraptor: Melchiah
Malek the Sarafan: Jano Audrey
Moebius: ???
Ariel: Zephon the Stupid
Mortanius: Dumah
Bane the Antler-head: Rehab
Hash'sonething'something: Turel
Vorador: Vorador the Perverted Smelly Old Bastard
Everyone else: Anyone else
Copywrong
Kain films presentation
_________________________________________________________
Raziel: (seeing the cast) Where's my name!
Kain: (sarcastically) Oh oops.
Raziel: I'm gonna put my name up on there!
Dumah: I'm gonna be a star!
Zephon: What should I wear to the opening?
Kain: A guy's clothes.
Rahab: This will be my leading role in my career.
Kain: Rehab, you were a nerd before the filming, and still afterwards, you'll be a famous
nerd like Bill Gates.
Melchiah: Any words of encouragement for me?
Kain: No. You were horrible.
Janos: And me?
Kain: No. I hate you. Come on everyone, let's go!
Raziel: Haha, my name's in the credits now!
(so then everyone leaves and all the lights are out, and sitting in a lonely corner is
Vorador's head)
Vorador's head: Hey, anybody, somebody, y'all forgot about me! Hey, I can talk, I
thought my vocal cords were in my body! And I can breath too! Neat-o freat- o! (then
Vorador's head feels something) Uh-oh. I've got an ITCH ON MY HEAD! Help someone!
It needs to be scratched! Someone, my head itches! (sighs) I hate Kain.
_____________________________________________
This was the last Blood Omen 1 chapter, but don't go anywhere cause there are still 2
more chapters to come! Don't forget to review!