Funky Author's Note No One Ever Reads: I've just broken my vow of
several years. I've written an- just read it- and you'll understand why I
had a vow in the first place. Romance. I've written about something
completely over my head.
If my friends find out about this I'm moving to Sweden, getting plastic
surgery and changing my name. If any of my relatives find out about my
fics, I'm moving to the wilds of Africa and risking it with the lions.
Fanfiction.net is horrible. I used to be so addicted to reading fics. I
couldn't do my homework. Now I'm so addicted to writing them I can't do my
homework. Yes. I spent two hours writing this instead of studying for my
Spanish test tomorrow. Horrible. And I found out I have to eat when I
write. Otherwise I don't function. If this keeps up I shall become very
fat.
On the other hand I can now be very proud of myself because I used much
wordage to cover a millimeter of plot. Like Jane Austen except less
sophisticated.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters- and it would be horrible if I did. Imagine having Dudley for a slave. (Not that he appears here but still.)
Ron Weasly was in a quandary. After years of having Hermione Granger as a friend he'd suddenly realized she was a girl. And after years of being Hermione Granger's friend he'd realized "suddenly realizing your best friend was a girl" was a cliché. He was Ron Weasly he wasn't suppose to know what cliché meant let alone actually use the word in his thoughts- this was the beginning of the end, soon he'd end up walking around with his book super glued to his nose like Hermione-
Actually he'd been doing a lot of that lately. He'd found he could spend hours observing Hermione while pretending to read a Chudley Cannon book. As a result he hadn't done any of his homework had an embarrassing amount of-sentimental thoughts per hour. Harry would die laughing he knew. Not that he was planning to tell Harry. And worse he was loosing chess matches against her. She kept fiddling with her hair and then he'd watch her hair and think about the way it was brown with little bits of gold and red that drove him nutters, and next thing he knew she'd take his queen and five minutes later- "Ron, Ron! Are you ill? Or brain damaged? I just won again." Gar. It wasn't as if he could say, "yes Hermione I'm brain damaged- shave your head bald and snog me please."
Worst of all he couldn't talk to her anymore. It was like she'd sprouted a tail overnight and he couldn't talk to her anymore because the tail made him nervous. Except it wasn't the tail. It was like- like she was Fleur now. Yeah, that was the problem with pretty girls. You liked looking at 'em but once you start talking to 'em you feel like you've got ten left hands. Except Hermione had never been pretty until now- oh all right, Hermione had always been pretty but he'd never realized it before because that would have been child porn. Eleven year olds attractive? It was disgusting. Except now they were all fifteen, and Sirius had just give Harry and him a traumatizing "talk." Except Fleur couldn't hold a candle to Hermione now. Except if he kept saying except in his thoughts he'd be overusing the word like he did in all his essays that Hermione corrected.
It was all her fault anyway. If she'd only been born a boy. Then it would be Harry, Hermione- or perhaps Hermes, and Ron! And no one would fall in love with anyone, and they'd all go rent a bachelor's cottage and never pick up after themselves. Except Hermione being Hermione she'd- no he'd make them pick up after themselves.
He had a feeling he'd still been in a quandary if Hermione was a boy. He wondered what would have happened if Harry was a girl. He had a sudden vision of himself walking down an aisle next to a Harry (or Harrieta) in a white dress with Hermione as best man, and tried not to scream at the thought. Harry? Seriously, that was disgusting. Besides he happened to know Harry drooled in his sleep.
Life would be so much better if there was no such thing as gender. People would reproduce asexually like bacteria. Sort of like splinching themselves except instead of body parts floating around there would be mini versions of people. Except then there would be lots of mini Draco Malfoys, and Snapes running around. But on the brighter side there would be tons of Hermiones. Enough so that if one got mad at him he could talk to the other one, and she got mad at him.so on and so forth. He'd give people licenses for splich-production!! He'd tell smarmy gits like Snape, Malfoy, and Krum they couldn't splich-produce and he'd arrest them if they tried to get around it. He'd especially arrest Krum. He could just see Krum reproducing into many little Krums and all the little Krums kidnapping Hermione. Plus he'd make lots of little Rons. They'd all be his slave and run around doing his chores for him.
Except now everyone else had realized that Hermione was pretty too and now Hermione didn't spend that much time with Ron or Harry because she was too busy giggling over something with Ginny or helping Neville with is homework, or writing letters to Krum (the bastard.) She never wrote letters to RON during the school year. Never mind that they saw each other everyday, but it'd be nice to know Hermione spent hours writing him letters.
It wasn't any help knowing that he wasn't especially attractive. When Sirius had come over to the Burrow last summer he'd insisted on giving Harry a talk, and Harry had insisted Ron come along because "best friends go through everything together including the pains of puberty so don't leave me alone with this maniac Ron Weasly or I'll hex you.." After the talk where Sirius blushed and gulped down large amounts of chocolate, Harry patiently pointed out he knew everything, and Ron started to laugh hysterically and nervously because he was going to kill Fred and George for some of the lies they'd told him, Sirius decided to make them feel better by telling them how attractive they were, and how to charm the opposite sex.
He'd said Harry had a lovely pathetic feminine look to him that would make middle aged woman, and old grandmothers and any other maternally inclined female want to instantly tuck him under their wings. Ron had blanched thinking of how well Harry and his mother got along. Harry had blanched- probably because he'd been thinking of the same thing. He'd raved on and on about Harry's long gorgeous eyelashes, "just a hint of mascara Harry and you'll have girls swooning at your feet." and "small agile body."
Sirius had said Ron had lovely bony hands that showed great character, and any girl would have to be a fool to resist his adorable blue eyes. Then he'd raved on and on about his freckles (you can tell girls that you've got all the constellations on your face if you get bored on a date), and flaming red hair. Ron rather enjoyed the envious death looks Harry was shooting him.
However when Sirius started handing out coupons for Madam Muffy's Extraordinary Eye Enhancer Harry had started muttering about the effect too much Honeyduke's chocolate had on his godfather. Diplomatically Ron said nothing.
But later he'd looked in the mirror trying to find the Ron Sirius and promised would bring girls over, and he'd failed. All he saw was frecklelandia and he'd started to spend so much time in the bathroom looking at himself searching for the adorable puppy eyes that his mother had asked him if he'd been spell o taped to the ground before the mirror and
It wasn't fair. None of this would be happening if Hermione was a boy. He was going to kick whatever deity had invented gender as soon as he got the chance. Meanwhile he'd have to come up with a master plan to get to Hermione before evil Krumlings stole her from under his nose.
Read and Review and thou shalt be adored by me.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters- and it would be horrible if I did. Imagine having Dudley for a slave. (Not that he appears here but still.)
Ron Weasly was in a quandary. After years of having Hermione Granger as a friend he'd suddenly realized she was a girl. And after years of being Hermione Granger's friend he'd realized "suddenly realizing your best friend was a girl" was a cliché. He was Ron Weasly he wasn't suppose to know what cliché meant let alone actually use the word in his thoughts- this was the beginning of the end, soon he'd end up walking around with his book super glued to his nose like Hermione-
Actually he'd been doing a lot of that lately. He'd found he could spend hours observing Hermione while pretending to read a Chudley Cannon book. As a result he hadn't done any of his homework had an embarrassing amount of-sentimental thoughts per hour. Harry would die laughing he knew. Not that he was planning to tell Harry. And worse he was loosing chess matches against her. She kept fiddling with her hair and then he'd watch her hair and think about the way it was brown with little bits of gold and red that drove him nutters, and next thing he knew she'd take his queen and five minutes later- "Ron, Ron! Are you ill? Or brain damaged? I just won again." Gar. It wasn't as if he could say, "yes Hermione I'm brain damaged- shave your head bald and snog me please."
Worst of all he couldn't talk to her anymore. It was like she'd sprouted a tail overnight and he couldn't talk to her anymore because the tail made him nervous. Except it wasn't the tail. It was like- like she was Fleur now. Yeah, that was the problem with pretty girls. You liked looking at 'em but once you start talking to 'em you feel like you've got ten left hands. Except Hermione had never been pretty until now- oh all right, Hermione had always been pretty but he'd never realized it before because that would have been child porn. Eleven year olds attractive? It was disgusting. Except now they were all fifteen, and Sirius had just give Harry and him a traumatizing "talk." Except Fleur couldn't hold a candle to Hermione now. Except if he kept saying except in his thoughts he'd be overusing the word like he did in all his essays that Hermione corrected.
It was all her fault anyway. If she'd only been born a boy. Then it would be Harry, Hermione- or perhaps Hermes, and Ron! And no one would fall in love with anyone, and they'd all go rent a bachelor's cottage and never pick up after themselves. Except Hermione being Hermione she'd- no he'd make them pick up after themselves.
He had a feeling he'd still been in a quandary if Hermione was a boy. He wondered what would have happened if Harry was a girl. He had a sudden vision of himself walking down an aisle next to a Harry (or Harrieta) in a white dress with Hermione as best man, and tried not to scream at the thought. Harry? Seriously, that was disgusting. Besides he happened to know Harry drooled in his sleep.
Life would be so much better if there was no such thing as gender. People would reproduce asexually like bacteria. Sort of like splinching themselves except instead of body parts floating around there would be mini versions of people. Except then there would be lots of mini Draco Malfoys, and Snapes running around. But on the brighter side there would be tons of Hermiones. Enough so that if one got mad at him he could talk to the other one, and she got mad at him.so on and so forth. He'd give people licenses for splich-production!! He'd tell smarmy gits like Snape, Malfoy, and Krum they couldn't splich-produce and he'd arrest them if they tried to get around it. He'd especially arrest Krum. He could just see Krum reproducing into many little Krums and all the little Krums kidnapping Hermione. Plus he'd make lots of little Rons. They'd all be his slave and run around doing his chores for him.
Except now everyone else had realized that Hermione was pretty too and now Hermione didn't spend that much time with Ron or Harry because she was too busy giggling over something with Ginny or helping Neville with is homework, or writing letters to Krum (the bastard.) She never wrote letters to RON during the school year. Never mind that they saw each other everyday, but it'd be nice to know Hermione spent hours writing him letters.
It wasn't any help knowing that he wasn't especially attractive. When Sirius had come over to the Burrow last summer he'd insisted on giving Harry a talk, and Harry had insisted Ron come along because "best friends go through everything together including the pains of puberty so don't leave me alone with this maniac Ron Weasly or I'll hex you.." After the talk where Sirius blushed and gulped down large amounts of chocolate, Harry patiently pointed out he knew everything, and Ron started to laugh hysterically and nervously because he was going to kill Fred and George for some of the lies they'd told him, Sirius decided to make them feel better by telling them how attractive they were, and how to charm the opposite sex.
He'd said Harry had a lovely pathetic feminine look to him that would make middle aged woman, and old grandmothers and any other maternally inclined female want to instantly tuck him under their wings. Ron had blanched thinking of how well Harry and his mother got along. Harry had blanched- probably because he'd been thinking of the same thing. He'd raved on and on about Harry's long gorgeous eyelashes, "just a hint of mascara Harry and you'll have girls swooning at your feet." and "small agile body."
Sirius had said Ron had lovely bony hands that showed great character, and any girl would have to be a fool to resist his adorable blue eyes. Then he'd raved on and on about his freckles (you can tell girls that you've got all the constellations on your face if you get bored on a date), and flaming red hair. Ron rather enjoyed the envious death looks Harry was shooting him.
However when Sirius started handing out coupons for Madam Muffy's Extraordinary Eye Enhancer Harry had started muttering about the effect too much Honeyduke's chocolate had on his godfather. Diplomatically Ron said nothing.
But later he'd looked in the mirror trying to find the Ron Sirius and promised would bring girls over, and he'd failed. All he saw was frecklelandia and he'd started to spend so much time in the bathroom looking at himself searching for the adorable puppy eyes that his mother had asked him if he'd been spell o taped to the ground before the mirror and
It wasn't fair. None of this would be happening if Hermione was a boy. He was going to kick whatever deity had invented gender as soon as he got the chance. Meanwhile he'd have to come up with a master plan to get to Hermione before evil Krumlings stole her from under his nose.
Read and Review and thou shalt be adored by me.