"Damnation" By Luke's Dragon
Disclaimer
Not mine, wish it was but it isn't so there. All I own is my imagination and my PC.
A/N
It's been a while coming but Chapter II is finally up, I'll try and be a little quicker writing and posting the next installment, since I've done my ankle in playing for my soccer team last night I won't have much else to do for a while.
Chapter II Heart and Soul
"You can run from your pain, but know this you will tire long before it does"
from Kou Sa Sun "Soul of the Warrior"
These past few days have confused me more than ever and I blame that group calling themselves the Digi-Destined for my tangled state of mind. I encountered them earlier today engaged in battle with a horde of those control spire monstrosities, being led by that hated spider woman whose foolhardy dark magiks created me in the first place. Maybe it was because of that, or maybe because I couldn't stand to see them slaughtered that I joined in. The minions although being of the Ultimate level were little challenge for me and my powers, but sadly their leader managed to escape the carnage, although I hope not unscathed. I would have gladly left without a word but it was not to be.
It was once again the bearer of the crest of hope who stopped me from leaving as swiftly as I had arrived. Despite the protests of his companions that I was a danger the two of us walked a short distance from his group and talked at length. I must admit to being impressed by his courage and his insight. We spoke about a great many things, the state of the Digital world, the nature of evil, apparently there is darkness growing over the world that threatens it. It is something they are fighting and it is what is responsible for Arukenimon and all her creations myself included but I digress, he wanted me to join their side and fight along side them, much as I was intrigued by the prospect I could not. I fear losing myself to the darkness so much more when I am fighting and I would not want to endanger living creatures that have the same goal as me. Or is that just a feeble excuse? Little matter I suppose, the most poignant thing was that he thanked me, I believe it may be the first time such a thing has happened, and then we parted ways he returned back to his friends and I left back to the world of my solitary darkness.
I cannot escape his words; still they are racing around in my head. What is this greater darkness that he mentioned? I wonder if perhaps this would prove a challenge for me, or perhaps have some answers to all of my questions. Somehow I doubt it besides evil geniuses tend to be very poor at conversation. But there is more I cannot stop thinking about his offer to join forces I still wish that it were an option to consider but while I cannot control my powers, or myself I will not put them at risk. I wish I could but I cannot rely on myself until I conquer the darkness inside, and to do that I need to know who I am, whether I am, like the spider-woman says, nothing more than a control spire monster. It troubles me to think this could well be the case, I am a monster albeit an intelligent one who is tormented by maddening voices but little more than that. Or am I, like the child of hope said more than that, an individual. I wish I could understand my heart and my destiny.
And now the voices come back to me tearing my mind apart.
You have no heart
You are a monster Beast of darkness, destroyer of the light! You are the reason for all of your pain You have killed many innocent souls; you will suffer for all eternity Evil one, you do not deserve to live As if the child of hope would care for you Feelings of anger, fury, frenzy, now feel my rage!
And the darkness takes me. Lost in my own mind to my dreams of blood and destruction. Sounds of pain, screams of fear. I watch myself like a passenger on a runaway train. I am helpless now and nothing but a spectator as my own form rips through all those that dare cross my path. Strange but I feel nothing now as they try to stop me. A group of souls fighting to defend their homes and loved ones but they cannot stop me. No one can stop me. My claws, my power and they scream and they curse but it is in vain, like their resistance and their lives. Like so many birds scattered by a gunshot their souls fly free from their destroyed forms. So many lives, dreams opportunities and potential lost forever on the wind. I feel nothing a like spectator to a gruesome movie scene, the horror lost believing in my shattered mind that it is not real, thinking that it is not me who does these deeds but just an actor playing my role. It doesn't hurt and I don't feel a thing now but I know I will when I come down, all this will be on my soul but not now. Still lost in the passionate embrace of the darkness there are no victims left, another village gone, reduced to nothingness by my hand but still the darkness searches for another victim. And so it finds me hiding like a child. Cowering in a hidden corner of my mind it finds me, trying to conceal myself but it has found me and will attack. This time it will claim me, this time there will be no more me just my shell, a soulless, heartless husk wandering around in a stupor of chaos. It is almost upon me know, but I hear his words. "I believe in you". And the darkness is gone, blasted away by the light of hope but I know it will return and next time I will fall. And then I come down.
The next morning Takeru and his partner Patamon, whilst on a routine patrol before school, came across the scene of destruction. The child of Hope sighed and constructed a memorial to the souls of the departed. He made Patamon promise not to breathe a word of what happened to any of the others. That evening he blamed the carnage on a pack of wild Digimon working for Arukenimon. Not even Ken, who was after all a genius ever figured out that he was lying.
It is three days since my last rampage. And I am haunted still, and deservedly so. I let the voices overcome my senses and lost myself. I feel guilt and sorrow, two emotions I am starting to get used to feeling. I do not understand why the voices incited me into my rage, they are the ones who make me do 'good' deeds and protect, but last time they provoked me knowing full well what would happen. But I should not blame them; it was my own weakness that led to my fall. Now my quest for answers has led me to this, a hut in the middle of a lake, apparently a sage of sorts lives here and I have been told that he may possess the answers I so desperately seek.
Blackwargreymon had found himself in the home of the Digimon known as Jijimon, he was well known for his knowledge and insight. Blackwargreymon had hoped that maybe this creature could provide him with some sort of insight into his purpose in life. Failing that knowing whom the Darkness Takeru had mentioned was would at least give him a valid target. But it was not to be Jijimon told Blackwargreymon that he could not tell him his purpose in life. He was not a 'true' Digimon so there was nothing he could do to help him. Blackwargreymon was about to leave when Jijimon told him that it was actually a blessing, since it meant he could create his own destiny.
Not a 'true' Digimon.Then the spider woman was right all along. I am little more than a monster. Created by the darkness as a tool for destruction and chaos. I always hoped it was not real but now it seems as if all this time I have been living a lie and all my struggles to fight the darkness have been in vain. I wish I had never met that blasted savant, at least before I could have lived in the safety of my invented self, hoping and praying that I am a real living soul. All of those words don't mean a damned thing to me anymore. Damned.I am a damned creature a soulless husk without a destiny and without a heart the two most important things that once made up who I was. Lost and alone I feel my soul crack and the darkness begin to take over me. And for the first time I can ever recall I start to cry.
Now I feel more confused than ever before. I no longer believe I have a heart, perhaps because that organ is one possessed by the living, and is almost inescapably linked with the emotion called 'love' something which is denied to a monster like me. A monster, no I am not even that, just a creation of a spell. Little more than some conjuror's cantrip. But I still have my hope because of him and that phrase he said, now what was it?
Heart and soul.maybe I do not have a heart but I might have a soul. Some sort of eternal essence that sums up all that is good in me. Perhaps it is my soul and not the voices that have made me do so many good deeds. Maybe my soul is the force that is driving me on. Everyone I've spoken to has a different idea about what a soul is and I like that, maybe my soul as tarnished and false as it is can still be real. I do hope so I wish with all my heart, or soul or whatever these emotions are created by, whatever it may happen to be termed that before I die I can use my life to make some impact and maybe save this doomed world.
Disclaimer
Not mine, wish it was but it isn't so there. All I own is my imagination and my PC.
A/N
It's been a while coming but Chapter II is finally up, I'll try and be a little quicker writing and posting the next installment, since I've done my ankle in playing for my soccer team last night I won't have much else to do for a while.
Chapter II Heart and Soul
"You can run from your pain, but know this you will tire long before it does"
from Kou Sa Sun "Soul of the Warrior"
These past few days have confused me more than ever and I blame that group calling themselves the Digi-Destined for my tangled state of mind. I encountered them earlier today engaged in battle with a horde of those control spire monstrosities, being led by that hated spider woman whose foolhardy dark magiks created me in the first place. Maybe it was because of that, or maybe because I couldn't stand to see them slaughtered that I joined in. The minions although being of the Ultimate level were little challenge for me and my powers, but sadly their leader managed to escape the carnage, although I hope not unscathed. I would have gladly left without a word but it was not to be.
It was once again the bearer of the crest of hope who stopped me from leaving as swiftly as I had arrived. Despite the protests of his companions that I was a danger the two of us walked a short distance from his group and talked at length. I must admit to being impressed by his courage and his insight. We spoke about a great many things, the state of the Digital world, the nature of evil, apparently there is darkness growing over the world that threatens it. It is something they are fighting and it is what is responsible for Arukenimon and all her creations myself included but I digress, he wanted me to join their side and fight along side them, much as I was intrigued by the prospect I could not. I fear losing myself to the darkness so much more when I am fighting and I would not want to endanger living creatures that have the same goal as me. Or is that just a feeble excuse? Little matter I suppose, the most poignant thing was that he thanked me, I believe it may be the first time such a thing has happened, and then we parted ways he returned back to his friends and I left back to the world of my solitary darkness.
I cannot escape his words; still they are racing around in my head. What is this greater darkness that he mentioned? I wonder if perhaps this would prove a challenge for me, or perhaps have some answers to all of my questions. Somehow I doubt it besides evil geniuses tend to be very poor at conversation. But there is more I cannot stop thinking about his offer to join forces I still wish that it were an option to consider but while I cannot control my powers, or myself I will not put them at risk. I wish I could but I cannot rely on myself until I conquer the darkness inside, and to do that I need to know who I am, whether I am, like the spider-woman says, nothing more than a control spire monster. It troubles me to think this could well be the case, I am a monster albeit an intelligent one who is tormented by maddening voices but little more than that. Or am I, like the child of hope said more than that, an individual. I wish I could understand my heart and my destiny.
And now the voices come back to me tearing my mind apart.
You have no heart
You are a monster Beast of darkness, destroyer of the light! You are the reason for all of your pain You have killed many innocent souls; you will suffer for all eternity Evil one, you do not deserve to live As if the child of hope would care for you Feelings of anger, fury, frenzy, now feel my rage!
And the darkness takes me. Lost in my own mind to my dreams of blood and destruction. Sounds of pain, screams of fear. I watch myself like a passenger on a runaway train. I am helpless now and nothing but a spectator as my own form rips through all those that dare cross my path. Strange but I feel nothing now as they try to stop me. A group of souls fighting to defend their homes and loved ones but they cannot stop me. No one can stop me. My claws, my power and they scream and they curse but it is in vain, like their resistance and their lives. Like so many birds scattered by a gunshot their souls fly free from their destroyed forms. So many lives, dreams opportunities and potential lost forever on the wind. I feel nothing a like spectator to a gruesome movie scene, the horror lost believing in my shattered mind that it is not real, thinking that it is not me who does these deeds but just an actor playing my role. It doesn't hurt and I don't feel a thing now but I know I will when I come down, all this will be on my soul but not now. Still lost in the passionate embrace of the darkness there are no victims left, another village gone, reduced to nothingness by my hand but still the darkness searches for another victim. And so it finds me hiding like a child. Cowering in a hidden corner of my mind it finds me, trying to conceal myself but it has found me and will attack. This time it will claim me, this time there will be no more me just my shell, a soulless, heartless husk wandering around in a stupor of chaos. It is almost upon me know, but I hear his words. "I believe in you". And the darkness is gone, blasted away by the light of hope but I know it will return and next time I will fall. And then I come down.
The next morning Takeru and his partner Patamon, whilst on a routine patrol before school, came across the scene of destruction. The child of Hope sighed and constructed a memorial to the souls of the departed. He made Patamon promise not to breathe a word of what happened to any of the others. That evening he blamed the carnage on a pack of wild Digimon working for Arukenimon. Not even Ken, who was after all a genius ever figured out that he was lying.
It is three days since my last rampage. And I am haunted still, and deservedly so. I let the voices overcome my senses and lost myself. I feel guilt and sorrow, two emotions I am starting to get used to feeling. I do not understand why the voices incited me into my rage, they are the ones who make me do 'good' deeds and protect, but last time they provoked me knowing full well what would happen. But I should not blame them; it was my own weakness that led to my fall. Now my quest for answers has led me to this, a hut in the middle of a lake, apparently a sage of sorts lives here and I have been told that he may possess the answers I so desperately seek.
Blackwargreymon had found himself in the home of the Digimon known as Jijimon, he was well known for his knowledge and insight. Blackwargreymon had hoped that maybe this creature could provide him with some sort of insight into his purpose in life. Failing that knowing whom the Darkness Takeru had mentioned was would at least give him a valid target. But it was not to be Jijimon told Blackwargreymon that he could not tell him his purpose in life. He was not a 'true' Digimon so there was nothing he could do to help him. Blackwargreymon was about to leave when Jijimon told him that it was actually a blessing, since it meant he could create his own destiny.
Not a 'true' Digimon.Then the spider woman was right all along. I am little more than a monster. Created by the darkness as a tool for destruction and chaos. I always hoped it was not real but now it seems as if all this time I have been living a lie and all my struggles to fight the darkness have been in vain. I wish I had never met that blasted savant, at least before I could have lived in the safety of my invented self, hoping and praying that I am a real living soul. All of those words don't mean a damned thing to me anymore. Damned.I am a damned creature a soulless husk without a destiny and without a heart the two most important things that once made up who I was. Lost and alone I feel my soul crack and the darkness begin to take over me. And for the first time I can ever recall I start to cry.
Now I feel more confused than ever before. I no longer believe I have a heart, perhaps because that organ is one possessed by the living, and is almost inescapably linked with the emotion called 'love' something which is denied to a monster like me. A monster, no I am not even that, just a creation of a spell. Little more than some conjuror's cantrip. But I still have my hope because of him and that phrase he said, now what was it?
Heart and soul.maybe I do not have a heart but I might have a soul. Some sort of eternal essence that sums up all that is good in me. Perhaps it is my soul and not the voices that have made me do so many good deeds. Maybe my soul is the force that is driving me on. Everyone I've spoken to has a different idea about what a soul is and I like that, maybe my soul as tarnished and false as it is can still be real. I do hope so I wish with all my heart, or soul or whatever these emotions are created by, whatever it may happen to be termed that before I die I can use my life to make some impact and maybe save this doomed world.