{{Author's Note: This story has really expanded... lotta people gettin'
their foot in on this bad baby, mrehehe. Here's a list of all characters
(in no particular order) to The End ::::
Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring:: Saruman, Strider, Gandalf,
Legolas, Pippin, Samwise, Frodo, Merry. //\\ Harry Potter and the
Sorcerer's Stone:: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Snape. //\\ Moulin Rouge::
Christian, Satine, Toulouse, Zidler. //\\ Star Wars: The Phantom Menace::
Qui-Gon Jinn. //\\ Star Wars: Attack of the Clones:: Obi-Wan Kenobi (that's
right, with the beard). //\\ Spider-man:: Spidey and the Green Goblin. //\\
Gladiator:: Maximus and Commodus. //\\ The Rocky Horror Picture Show:: Dr.
Frank-n-furter. //\\ K-Pax:: Prot //\\ a number of famous actors //\\
....not to mention a serious concentration of The Hitch Hiker's Guide to
the Galaxy.}}
It was a reasonably cool, crisp afternoon.
All things on the planet and all life forms seemed perfectly manageable, normal, and... well, Earthly. Of course Tara was only just awake and looking at herself in the mirror. Nevertheless, it seemed no prelude to greater and more complex things happening in this everyday life of hers. Cleaning the sleepybugs from her large blue eyes as they adjusted to the sunlight, she rose from the bedsheets to yawn and stretch her way to the John.
After the usual morning activities (teeth-brushing, bladder-relieving), she saw to the next order of business: the kitchen. After preparing and digesting two pieces of toast, a buttered bagel, and a bowl of grapes before her mouth could be seen opening, Tara then walked into the living room of the spacious and comfortable apartment she and six-month roommate Chickie Bates shared in New York City.
Belching a few times (and gassing for good measure) she slumped onto the mauve loveseat she and Chickie spent five hours debating over whether or not they should purchase. Ahh.. that whole day was worth twelve nervous breakdowns in the future.. the furniture, the paintings, that funky-looking goat statue Chickie tried to bring home...
In fact, Tara was so busy reflecting on the events of the past year that she failed to notice the sandy lump of robes curled up and breathing softly beside her. Manly white toes poked out from somewhere in the mess, and two pairs of knee-length brown asskicker boots stood neatly side-by-side on the floor.
Oblivious, Tara stood up to open the blinds for the large window at the center of the room. The sun poured in like magic.
Speaking of which... another, smaller lump of breathing matter twitched lightly in a corner, near that god-awful cactus plant Chickie tried desperately to convince Tara out of buying. A broom-shaped item slowly rolled from the sleeping figure, but not even the glittering eagerness of the Nimbus Two Thousand could get Tara's attention.
Around the same time, a large drop of blood pooped quietly from somewhere on the ceiling onto the carpet. It moved in slow motion and made no apparent noise, so no one paid attention.
And as Tara moved out of the living room, she mistook the other long, stretched-out assortment of sandy robes on the bigger couch for a bundle of sheets that Chickie forgot to save... And she also thought the bow-and- arrow, and sleeping silver-haired elf in the corner was just another---- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE...
Tara paused, staring at the far right corner of the room at what appeared to be Legolas the Elf sleeping, in that eerie eyes-wide-open sorta way. But.. Legolas the Elf could NOT be sleeping in her living room. How ridiculous would that be? Tara blinked a few times to make sure it wasn't something caught in her big eyes that always picked up stray dusts and anything else allergenic. She plucked out any leftover eye-juices for reassurance. Nope. The elf, who had been stirring from the racket with the blinds, finally "opened" his already open eyes and stared around, as bewildered as an elf can be.
Tara, doubting her sanity, took a few enchanted steps backwards only to bounce lightly off of a couple of hobbits who were lounging in the hall behind her. She whirled around to meet the tired gaze of fellow big-eyed Frodo Baggins, and the fiesty gaze of Samwise Gamgee beside him.
"WHAT THE..." but Tara hadn't the chance to finish the thought or the sentence, because as she tried to back up, she ran into a gangly white- robed figure who had an unnecessarily long beard and an enormous nose so crooked it resembled a staircase. He was glaring viciously at the hobbits, and kept a suspicious eye on the elf across the room (who had just risen, bow in hand, to pull out a serious Melvin).
"Saruman!" the relieved elf roared, "What sort of evil have you spun us into!"
Tara jerked back in horror as the elf spoke, and dashed madly out the way to curl up and hide in a corner. The hobbits scrambled behind the elf.
Saruman spat and hissed in return, booming, "FOOLISH halfings! Whatever trick this is, you shall not get out of it alive!"
At this, the two figures who had been snoozing on the couches jumped up frantically, each whipping out what appeared to be flashlights-on-steroids that made rabid "humming" noises when waved around. Both coming out of a dreadfully deep sleep, they staggered as they tried to figure out what was going on, and where it was going down. The one on the left spoke first.
"Master, what in the name of madness is this?"
"I do not know, Obi-Wan. Perhaps we have been poisoned. I--" but before he could finish, a short dark-haired boy lightly tapped him on the arm and spoke with a ripe, British accent, "Ex.. Excuse me, sir. I do hate to interrupt, but can you direct me to a bath facility, or some place I might.. you know, sir, relieve myself?" The boy clutched his groin area feverishly.
Qui-Gon stared down at him wordlessly. He then turned back to his apprentice, but stopped himself short. "Obi-Wan!" he exclaimed, as if more perplexed by this new discovery than being in a completely different world surrounded by characters from completely different worlds. "Obi-Wan, you have a BEARD!"
"Master, I do not think that now is the time--" but as the Jedi passed a hand over his freshly fuzzed face, he exclaimed, "Wow! I can't wait to show Master Yoda! Why, he'll be so delighted to hear that I have finally entered puberty!..."
He was cut off by a sharp swishing sound at his side. Before anyone could say "Go Web!" a spindly red and blue figure sped past the Jedi, disappearing into the hall with an echo of squirt-noises.
Each glanced around him, at a complete loss.
"SIR!" a small voice piped up from below, "The bathroom, sir!" No one paid little Harry Potter any attention. Therefore, he skated back off into the corner with the hideous cactus plant and stayed out of everyone's way.
"There is darkness over the land," Legolas chirped, "but this is beyond anything I have ever imagined. Frodo, have you no thoughts on where he has taken us? Where is Gandalf?"
Frodo shook his head timidly, clutching something at his chest. Legolas set an arrow to the bow faster than Tara could whoop down toast and pointed it menacingly at Saruman. "Wizard!" the elf spouted, "You will explain yourself!"
Saruman laughed nastily, but was clearly nervous. "I suppose you think this was MY doing?"
"Now, now!" came Obi-Wan's stern, yet velvety voice. "There is no need to become violent! It is obvious that we have all found ourselves in a situation we can not explain, but it does us no good to make enemies of one another before we have a chance to sort it out."
"Bah!" spat Saruman. "These fools have been my enemy from the start, and will be so until they have died a slow and painful death. Let all those who do not serve the Dark Lord become slaves of his Power, or die for their defiance!" He cast a particularly spiteful look toward the Ringbearer.
Frodo shrinked miserably behind the elf, Samwise quick to his defense. "Now listen here, you crooked, half-starved, nasty old toad! Nobody wanted your opinion in this matter, so I suggest you back up off Mr. Frodo or I'll have to put the smack down!" The bickering continued in the same fashion, only worsening in taste and eloquence, as the characters unwittingly adapted to our own modern world.
In the meantime, Qui-Gon turned to Obi-Wan with an incredulous look on his face. "I do not think this can be resolved in a reasonable manner. There is much anxiety among us. None of us has any idea where we are, why, how, and under who's command. We have a strangely erotic man here with pointed ears and a very dangerous weapon; two half-grown men with the hairiest feet I've ever seen; an emaciated old man who's tremendous ego is only exceeded by the size of his nose; and a little boy.. who is currently relieving himself in that tasteless bit of decor...."
"HEY!!" For the first time, Tara found the cahunas to speak up. "Harry, you will remove your 'potter' from my plant right now!"
The boy was too stunned and embarrassed to continue taking care of business, so he zipped things up and tucked them away, nervously and sheepishly keeping to himself. Beneath those goggles he always wore, however, he gave a very spiteful look.
Everyone turned their attention to the girl in the corner, who slowly climbed to her feet and stared around like she thought staring was going out of style.
"Okay," she said with a shiver, "I'm just going to accept this as a sign that I watch TOO many movies, and that I need to wake up from this awful dream before something especially raunchy happens." At this, everyone gave her a funky look. "I mean, I've just had some really interesting dreams that start off kinda like this," she continued, "and you know, by the end of it, Jedi robes and Elf cloaks cover the bedroom floor, light sabers are being used in ungodly ways, and there's some freaky business in the shower with a broomstick and a ring, and..." She stopped upon receiving awkward stares from the men around her. "Nevermind."
But Frodo was wound like a top at the very mentioning of a "ring." Sam took to fanning him hurriedly before he passed out (again). Legolas held the bow unflinchingly at Saruman, who scratched himself when he thought no one was looking.
"Now listen here," said Tara, convinced she was still in a dream and could do anything she pleased, "I will NOT be persuaded into a leopard-skin thong and Zorro mask like I was last time." She threw a particularly evil look at the Jedi.
"Instead, I'm going to the turn the tables on all of YOU."
They shifted uncomfortably. Legolas held his bow tighter than ever, and the Jedi never loosened their grips on the light sabers. Once or twice Ewan--I mean... Obi-Wan tried to look down and see his own facial growth, but Qui- Gon's eyes never left the girl. Which, while in some small circles may have been arousing, was just downright spooky. There was something unnaturally fierce about this turn of events that made Tara think she was NOT in a dream. Regardless..
"Okay," she began. "First off, everyone knows you're hiding a ring, Frodo, so just relax. Nobody's gonna take it from you around here. Legolas is too protective, and Samwise would rather shoot himself in the face than even dream of it." Frodo's eyes, if at all possible, expanded to twice their size. "And if Saruman here tries to steal it, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn here will chop his head off with their light sabers." The Jedi stared at her in utter disbelief. In fact, they all stared at her with mixtures of amazement and fear. She did seem to know quite a lot. Harry Potter shifted in the corner.
"And YOU, Mr. Harry Potter," she proceeded, "have to promise not to cast any weird spells on anyone, or I swear to god I'll make Voldemort fly from out of nowhere and finish what he started!" Harry became very stiff, rubbing the scar on his head and agreeing. "And by the way, the bathroom is down the hall." Harry scuttled off graciously, towing his Nimbus 2000 broomstick along.
"And as for YOU," she cast a glance toward the Jedi knights, "The bedroom is THIS way...." They didn't move. No one moved.
"Okay," she said indifferently. "Clearly there is a glitch in the system."
No Matrix personnel arrived, which was unusual. Normally when she used the 'glitch' line half the Matrix cast arrived pronto. "No one is listening to me. This is MY fantasy."
Everyone remained silent and motionless. "Oh god. I'm NOT dreaming."
If anything happened after her eyes rolled back and she dropped to the floor, Tara was blissfully unaware.
It was a reasonably cool, crisp afternoon.
All things on the planet and all life forms seemed perfectly manageable, normal, and... well, Earthly. Of course Tara was only just awake and looking at herself in the mirror. Nevertheless, it seemed no prelude to greater and more complex things happening in this everyday life of hers. Cleaning the sleepybugs from her large blue eyes as they adjusted to the sunlight, she rose from the bedsheets to yawn and stretch her way to the John.
After the usual morning activities (teeth-brushing, bladder-relieving), she saw to the next order of business: the kitchen. After preparing and digesting two pieces of toast, a buttered bagel, and a bowl of grapes before her mouth could be seen opening, Tara then walked into the living room of the spacious and comfortable apartment she and six-month roommate Chickie Bates shared in New York City.
Belching a few times (and gassing for good measure) she slumped onto the mauve loveseat she and Chickie spent five hours debating over whether or not they should purchase. Ahh.. that whole day was worth twelve nervous breakdowns in the future.. the furniture, the paintings, that funky-looking goat statue Chickie tried to bring home...
In fact, Tara was so busy reflecting on the events of the past year that she failed to notice the sandy lump of robes curled up and breathing softly beside her. Manly white toes poked out from somewhere in the mess, and two pairs of knee-length brown asskicker boots stood neatly side-by-side on the floor.
Oblivious, Tara stood up to open the blinds for the large window at the center of the room. The sun poured in like magic.
Speaking of which... another, smaller lump of breathing matter twitched lightly in a corner, near that god-awful cactus plant Chickie tried desperately to convince Tara out of buying. A broom-shaped item slowly rolled from the sleeping figure, but not even the glittering eagerness of the Nimbus Two Thousand could get Tara's attention.
Around the same time, a large drop of blood pooped quietly from somewhere on the ceiling onto the carpet. It moved in slow motion and made no apparent noise, so no one paid attention.
And as Tara moved out of the living room, she mistook the other long, stretched-out assortment of sandy robes on the bigger couch for a bundle of sheets that Chickie forgot to save... And she also thought the bow-and- arrow, and sleeping silver-haired elf in the corner was just another---- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE...
Tara paused, staring at the far right corner of the room at what appeared to be Legolas the Elf sleeping, in that eerie eyes-wide-open sorta way. But.. Legolas the Elf could NOT be sleeping in her living room. How ridiculous would that be? Tara blinked a few times to make sure it wasn't something caught in her big eyes that always picked up stray dusts and anything else allergenic. She plucked out any leftover eye-juices for reassurance. Nope. The elf, who had been stirring from the racket with the blinds, finally "opened" his already open eyes and stared around, as bewildered as an elf can be.
Tara, doubting her sanity, took a few enchanted steps backwards only to bounce lightly off of a couple of hobbits who were lounging in the hall behind her. She whirled around to meet the tired gaze of fellow big-eyed Frodo Baggins, and the fiesty gaze of Samwise Gamgee beside him.
"WHAT THE..." but Tara hadn't the chance to finish the thought or the sentence, because as she tried to back up, she ran into a gangly white- robed figure who had an unnecessarily long beard and an enormous nose so crooked it resembled a staircase. He was glaring viciously at the hobbits, and kept a suspicious eye on the elf across the room (who had just risen, bow in hand, to pull out a serious Melvin).
"Saruman!" the relieved elf roared, "What sort of evil have you spun us into!"
Tara jerked back in horror as the elf spoke, and dashed madly out the way to curl up and hide in a corner. The hobbits scrambled behind the elf.
Saruman spat and hissed in return, booming, "FOOLISH halfings! Whatever trick this is, you shall not get out of it alive!"
At this, the two figures who had been snoozing on the couches jumped up frantically, each whipping out what appeared to be flashlights-on-steroids that made rabid "humming" noises when waved around. Both coming out of a dreadfully deep sleep, they staggered as they tried to figure out what was going on, and where it was going down. The one on the left spoke first.
"Master, what in the name of madness is this?"
"I do not know, Obi-Wan. Perhaps we have been poisoned. I--" but before he could finish, a short dark-haired boy lightly tapped him on the arm and spoke with a ripe, British accent, "Ex.. Excuse me, sir. I do hate to interrupt, but can you direct me to a bath facility, or some place I might.. you know, sir, relieve myself?" The boy clutched his groin area feverishly.
Qui-Gon stared down at him wordlessly. He then turned back to his apprentice, but stopped himself short. "Obi-Wan!" he exclaimed, as if more perplexed by this new discovery than being in a completely different world surrounded by characters from completely different worlds. "Obi-Wan, you have a BEARD!"
"Master, I do not think that now is the time--" but as the Jedi passed a hand over his freshly fuzzed face, he exclaimed, "Wow! I can't wait to show Master Yoda! Why, he'll be so delighted to hear that I have finally entered puberty!..."
He was cut off by a sharp swishing sound at his side. Before anyone could say "Go Web!" a spindly red and blue figure sped past the Jedi, disappearing into the hall with an echo of squirt-noises.
Each glanced around him, at a complete loss.
"SIR!" a small voice piped up from below, "The bathroom, sir!" No one paid little Harry Potter any attention. Therefore, he skated back off into the corner with the hideous cactus plant and stayed out of everyone's way.
"There is darkness over the land," Legolas chirped, "but this is beyond anything I have ever imagined. Frodo, have you no thoughts on where he has taken us? Where is Gandalf?"
Frodo shook his head timidly, clutching something at his chest. Legolas set an arrow to the bow faster than Tara could whoop down toast and pointed it menacingly at Saruman. "Wizard!" the elf spouted, "You will explain yourself!"
Saruman laughed nastily, but was clearly nervous. "I suppose you think this was MY doing?"
"Now, now!" came Obi-Wan's stern, yet velvety voice. "There is no need to become violent! It is obvious that we have all found ourselves in a situation we can not explain, but it does us no good to make enemies of one another before we have a chance to sort it out."
"Bah!" spat Saruman. "These fools have been my enemy from the start, and will be so until they have died a slow and painful death. Let all those who do not serve the Dark Lord become slaves of his Power, or die for their defiance!" He cast a particularly spiteful look toward the Ringbearer.
Frodo shrinked miserably behind the elf, Samwise quick to his defense. "Now listen here, you crooked, half-starved, nasty old toad! Nobody wanted your opinion in this matter, so I suggest you back up off Mr. Frodo or I'll have to put the smack down!" The bickering continued in the same fashion, only worsening in taste and eloquence, as the characters unwittingly adapted to our own modern world.
In the meantime, Qui-Gon turned to Obi-Wan with an incredulous look on his face. "I do not think this can be resolved in a reasonable manner. There is much anxiety among us. None of us has any idea where we are, why, how, and under who's command. We have a strangely erotic man here with pointed ears and a very dangerous weapon; two half-grown men with the hairiest feet I've ever seen; an emaciated old man who's tremendous ego is only exceeded by the size of his nose; and a little boy.. who is currently relieving himself in that tasteless bit of decor...."
"HEY!!" For the first time, Tara found the cahunas to speak up. "Harry, you will remove your 'potter' from my plant right now!"
The boy was too stunned and embarrassed to continue taking care of business, so he zipped things up and tucked them away, nervously and sheepishly keeping to himself. Beneath those goggles he always wore, however, he gave a very spiteful look.
Everyone turned their attention to the girl in the corner, who slowly climbed to her feet and stared around like she thought staring was going out of style.
"Okay," she said with a shiver, "I'm just going to accept this as a sign that I watch TOO many movies, and that I need to wake up from this awful dream before something especially raunchy happens." At this, everyone gave her a funky look. "I mean, I've just had some really interesting dreams that start off kinda like this," she continued, "and you know, by the end of it, Jedi robes and Elf cloaks cover the bedroom floor, light sabers are being used in ungodly ways, and there's some freaky business in the shower with a broomstick and a ring, and..." She stopped upon receiving awkward stares from the men around her. "Nevermind."
But Frodo was wound like a top at the very mentioning of a "ring." Sam took to fanning him hurriedly before he passed out (again). Legolas held the bow unflinchingly at Saruman, who scratched himself when he thought no one was looking.
"Now listen here," said Tara, convinced she was still in a dream and could do anything she pleased, "I will NOT be persuaded into a leopard-skin thong and Zorro mask like I was last time." She threw a particularly evil look at the Jedi.
"Instead, I'm going to the turn the tables on all of YOU."
They shifted uncomfortably. Legolas held his bow tighter than ever, and the Jedi never loosened their grips on the light sabers. Once or twice Ewan--I mean... Obi-Wan tried to look down and see his own facial growth, but Qui- Gon's eyes never left the girl. Which, while in some small circles may have been arousing, was just downright spooky. There was something unnaturally fierce about this turn of events that made Tara think she was NOT in a dream. Regardless..
"Okay," she began. "First off, everyone knows you're hiding a ring, Frodo, so just relax. Nobody's gonna take it from you around here. Legolas is too protective, and Samwise would rather shoot himself in the face than even dream of it." Frodo's eyes, if at all possible, expanded to twice their size. "And if Saruman here tries to steal it, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn here will chop his head off with their light sabers." The Jedi stared at her in utter disbelief. In fact, they all stared at her with mixtures of amazement and fear. She did seem to know quite a lot. Harry Potter shifted in the corner.
"And YOU, Mr. Harry Potter," she proceeded, "have to promise not to cast any weird spells on anyone, or I swear to god I'll make Voldemort fly from out of nowhere and finish what he started!" Harry became very stiff, rubbing the scar on his head and agreeing. "And by the way, the bathroom is down the hall." Harry scuttled off graciously, towing his Nimbus 2000 broomstick along.
"And as for YOU," she cast a glance toward the Jedi knights, "The bedroom is THIS way...." They didn't move. No one moved.
"Okay," she said indifferently. "Clearly there is a glitch in the system."
No Matrix personnel arrived, which was unusual. Normally when she used the 'glitch' line half the Matrix cast arrived pronto. "No one is listening to me. This is MY fantasy."
Everyone remained silent and motionless. "Oh god. I'm NOT dreaming."
If anything happened after her eyes rolled back and she dropped to the floor, Tara was blissfully unaware.