"Chickie," Tara said mid-awkward-silence. "We need to talk."
No response.
"Chickie!"
"Wha? Huh?" came The Chickster's voice, buried somewhere in the mattress. Tara stomped over, and pried the Spider Boy (*whoa, look at that!*), I mean MAN, from her friend. They walked to the door.
"Please excuse us," the girls said, giving the room full of famous characters a doubtful look. Then they left, squealing and gaping on their way down the hall.
"Well then," said Qui-Gon Jinn when the girls were gone. "Maybe once they talk amongst themselves we'll have progress, and something will be done. Harry!" The Jedi gave the little boy a sharp look, as he was digging around in Chickie's DVD collection. "It is not polite to peruse other people's belongings."
Calling Frodo a shrimp, the disgruntled Potter boy slumped down and pouted, pondering a mischevious spell to use against them. Samwise raised a fist angrily at this offense to his master. "WHY YOU..."
"Samwise! It is not worth it," Qui-Gon interrupted. Sam grumbled and went back to painting Saruman's toenails Seashell Pink, having secretly perused Tara's personal collection. The well-bound wizard watched with his good eye while his image as Demented Wizard in Service of the Dark Lord Sauron transformed to Ugliest Barbie Doll Ever.
Qui-Gon was paused in deep reverie, no doubt contemplating the powerful and exquisite nature of their dilemma, pondering its purposes and advantages. Awakening with that awe-inspiring hint of brilliance in his kind eyes, he said to Obi-Wan, "Would you be a doll, and get me some of those Twizzlers Pull n' Peel? I saw them in the kitchen. And try not to eat them all before you come back, my dear padawan." Obi-Wan bowed his head honorably, and scuttled out of the room.
It was around this point that Qui-Gon noticed a large blood stain in the middle of the bed. "Oh dear," he whispered, "What has happened?"
Samwise Gamgee glanced at the spot, then spitefully at Harry Potter. "It seems that Mr. Potter has had his time of the month."
Harry Potter gasped like a schoolgirl, and tried to defend himself, unsuccessfully.
Spider Man hid the open wound on his arm, too amused to say anything. Samwise then thwacked Harry with his own broomstick. Harry countered with a string of obscenities umbecoming of a young boy--or even a porn star--so foul was his mouth.
"Master Qui-Gon!" said Frodo dully, carrying that same perpetually congested look on his face. "This is very troubling." He lifted a certain DVD that had fallen during Harry's digging session. Qui-Gon bent down, *way* down, and took the DVD from the hobbit's hands. He stared at the cover, puzzled.
"Moulin Rouge?" the Jedi master mused, reading the summary and noting the pictures of Christian. "I do not recall Obi-Wan auditioning for any musicals. Hmm. This is odd. His natural hair color is strawberry blonde, although I must admit he looks ravishing with..." He paused to consider the bemused faces of those around him. "Nevermind."
"There is a darkness over the land," said Frodo, clutching his nipple...(where the One Ring was dangling, of course).
--------------
Meanwhile... Legolas, the cactus plant, Chickie Bates, and Tara were off in a separate room to discuss the events at hand.
Legolas and Cactus Plant were there by no fault of their own-- the girls had walked into the bedroom to find them napping together in the spare bed. Tara was jealous at first, that her beloved Cactus be snuggling with some hippie elf, but Chickie helped convince her that it was probably best the plant stay where he was truly loved. (No doubt, Cactus was beginning to tire of Chickie's attempts to poison him to clear his spot in the living room.) Besides, it was a shining moment for all when they got polaroids of Legolas in his knickers. Despite their effeminate ways, apparently it's VERY true what they say about elves... we have proof...
At any rate, they decided to return to the rest of the group with their plans finally organized.
--------------
As the girls and well-endowed Elf walked back into the main room, however, they were met with a great surprise.
There was a familiar DVD playing on the screen, and all the otherworldly characters were standing on the bed in a fashionable circle.
"Seasons may change," cooed Qui-Gon..
"..winter to spring," muttered Frodo glumly.
"But I love you," Samwise said softly,
"until the end.. of... tiiiime," sang Harry Potter, his broomstick propped as a microphone.
All: "COME WHAT MAY....."
Spider Man: (singing above the others) "COoOOme what maaaaay......"
All: "I will LOVE YOU---"
"AHEM!" Chickie and Tara 'coughed' loudly. "Sorry to interrupt, but we have business to take care of!"
Everyone stared quietly for a minute, before giving it all they had: "UNTIL THE END.. OF TIIIIME!" Once finished, they applauded themselves and bowed graciously to the audience: Chickie and Tara with their arms crossed, Legolas in his undies, and a cactus.
Silence.
"Hey," said The Chickster, "Where's Obi-Wan?"
"He's been in the bathroom observing his facial growth in the mirror," said Qui-Gon plainly, reaching into his pocket for a lint-covered Twizzler.
"Right. Well, first things first-- Spidey, we have a job for you." Spider Man webbed on over to the girls. "Please go to this address," said Tara as she handed him a piece of paper, "and find this girl. Web her against her will if you have to, but make sure that she gets here." The superhero nodded, squirted a big string through the window, and flew out.
Not a minute passed, when a knock came at the front door.
"Okay," said Chickie nervously, "Everyone act normal!"
Frodo Baggins stared at Samwise Gamgee, who stared at Legolas in his panties, who stared at Cactus Plant, who was pointed at Saruman taped to a chair, who was glaring at Qui-Gon Jinn, who was thinking about Obi-Wan Kenobi as a brunette.
"Um. Nevermind," she said. "Just nobody move."
Tara went to answer the door. "Who is it?"
"It's ME," came the voice on the other end.
"YOU!" Tara exclaimed, having just sent Spider Man out to find this very person. "That was fast!"
"What was?" said the voice. "Let me in!"
Tara slowly opened the door, staring at her fellow movie-obsessed mate Phoebe on the other side.
"You're not going to believe this," said Phoebe, "but I have something very interesting to tell you."
"No, no, no," said Tara with an almost hysterical laugh. "You will die when you hear what has happened here."
"Oh no," said Phoebe hastily. "I think my news is better."
"Oh really?" said Tara, kicking the door wide open.
Phoebe poked a head in, to find allllllll the aforementioned characters gathered around the big screen TV in the living room, watching Moulin Rouge! and reciting lines accurately.
" '...totawee awone!' " said Frodo, who was obviously playing the part of Toulouse.
"Oh my," blurted Phoebe, but she didn't seem surprised enough for Tara's taste.
"What do you mean OH MY'! Are you blind? Do you not see--"
"YES, I see quite plainly," said Phoebe with sudden giddiness. "And I would be extremely disturbed, had I not already....well... Alright guys, haul in."
Tara had not noticed them all standing outside, but once Phoebe gave the order, in came marching: Strider from Lord of the Rings; the Green Goblin from Spider Man (who was tied up and gagged for trying to kill everyone); Christian himself from Moulin Rouge; and Dr. Frank-n-furter from The Rocky Horror Picture Show, who had Maximus from Gladiator on a leash behind him.
"Smile boy," came Frank's silky vocals, as he gave Maxmius a little slap on the cheek. "We have guests!" Maximus smiled very widely, receiving a pinch and kiss from his master.
"OH MY GOD!!" Tara and Chickie screeched together.
"I know!" said Phoebe who would have been laughing maniacally had she not spied Samwise Gamgee on the edge of the couch, playing Harold Zidler.
"Everything's going so WELL!" he yelled gaily.
"You have SAM!" Phoebe screeched.
"Yes, we do, muwhaha."
"Well," began Phoebe professionally, "I will give you Strider if you let me have Sam."
"Strider? Hm, my mom could use him," pondered Tara aloud. "Well you won't get Sam without Frodo, you know."
"Alright, deal!"
"No, that's not a deal! That's one for us, and two for you. I'll need someone else to make it even. Give me Christian."
"HA!!"
"Fine! Give me Frank!"
"Well, you won't get Frank without Maximus. That gives you one more than me."
At that moment, Obi-Wan Kenobi came in from the hallway, striking a match on his chin to see if it would light. "Hey!" he exclaimed, "where's the party!"
Phoebe, trying carefully not to soil herself, stared in awe. "You have Obi- Wan too!"
"Why hello there," said the Jedi to Phoebe, shaking her hand. "I have a beard."
"Yes.. yes you do." Phoebe stared, but suddenly aware of something, she pounced on Christian, who was trying to hide himself behind a curtain that was not there. Naturally Christian tried to shove her off, his screams muffled, but she stayed glued to his face like a shade on a lamp.
"What in the name of Yoda are you doing to this poor man!" Obi-Wan asked with great concern, trying to pry Phoebe off.
"No!" said Tara, suddenly catching on, and latching onto Obi-Wan's legs. "You mustn't see!"
"Mustn't see what!" yelled Obi-Wan, trying to shake her away, but he only dragged her around on the floor like a loose shoelace.
At that moment, Chickie Bates also caught on, but thinking to herself that perhaps Phoebe and Tara had it set, she reached for Christian's pants and pulled them down faster than anyone could say "Tiger!"
At this, a hush came over the entire room.
"He has a huge... talent!" blurted Frodo, remembering his line.
"Oh MY!" exclaimed Obi-Wan, staring. "It... looks.. very familiar!" Threatening them with his lightsaber, he finally got them all to move.
Christian abruptly pulled his pants back up, and once he organized himself and saw Obi-Wan, his mouth formed a large "O." As in.. "OH MY GOODNESS!"
Obi-Wan dropped his lightsaber, which Dr. Frank-n-furter quickly retrieved and went off to another room with Maximus.
"Why... you're.. you're ME! With dark hair!" exclaimed Obi-Wan, obviously.
"And.. and... you're ME!" Christian whispered, bewildered. "But.. with a mullet!"
Chickie, Phoebe, and Tara basked in the Ewan-ness, but were concerned that something weird might happen. Wait... scratch that.
Tara glanced at Strider, who was sniffing things and scanning the carpet for footprints. "What are you doing?" She asked cautiously. "I swear I vacuum every day."
"There is a darkness over the land," Strider replied, on the floor like a snake in the grass. "I sense it."
"Oh yeah, Saruman, over there in the corner. He's harmless, really."
Strider stood and walked toward the wizard, who was wearing makeup and a neon pink feather boa. Without a word, Strider back-handed him, then went to join Legolas and Cactus Plant for the "play." Harry Potter was doing a fabulous impression of Nini Legs-in-the-Air, while Qui-Gon mastered the role of The Unconscious Argentinean. Of course, he kept accidentally making people fall unconscious with his keen Jedi powers, but... eventually he got it straight.
Christian and Obi-Wan continued staring at eachother.
"May I have proof?" said Christian timidly.
"Of course!" said Obi-Wan, lifting his Jedi robes to display his... force.
At this, a hush came over the entire room.
"It's true!" Christian gasped. They continued to look at eachother with amazement and adimration.
They began to poke eachother's faces to verify the realness. Obi-Wan was more than pleased to let Christian file his nails on the goatee. Christian was more than pleased to let Obi-Wan play in his smooth hair. Regardless, they would not take their eyes off one another.
"Hm. I think there's only one way to solve this problem," said Chickie.
Phoebe and Tara exchanged knowing glances, and promptly lifted their shirts to flash the men.
"NO!" Chickie snapped. "Not that!"
The girls lowered their blouses, humbled.
"Gah. We must find the REAL Ewan McGregor and bring him here to explain everything!"
Don, don, donnnnn!
No response.
"Chickie!"
"Wha? Huh?" came The Chickster's voice, buried somewhere in the mattress. Tara stomped over, and pried the Spider Boy (*whoa, look at that!*), I mean MAN, from her friend. They walked to the door.
"Please excuse us," the girls said, giving the room full of famous characters a doubtful look. Then they left, squealing and gaping on their way down the hall.
"Well then," said Qui-Gon Jinn when the girls were gone. "Maybe once they talk amongst themselves we'll have progress, and something will be done. Harry!" The Jedi gave the little boy a sharp look, as he was digging around in Chickie's DVD collection. "It is not polite to peruse other people's belongings."
Calling Frodo a shrimp, the disgruntled Potter boy slumped down and pouted, pondering a mischevious spell to use against them. Samwise raised a fist angrily at this offense to his master. "WHY YOU..."
"Samwise! It is not worth it," Qui-Gon interrupted. Sam grumbled and went back to painting Saruman's toenails Seashell Pink, having secretly perused Tara's personal collection. The well-bound wizard watched with his good eye while his image as Demented Wizard in Service of the Dark Lord Sauron transformed to Ugliest Barbie Doll Ever.
Qui-Gon was paused in deep reverie, no doubt contemplating the powerful and exquisite nature of their dilemma, pondering its purposes and advantages. Awakening with that awe-inspiring hint of brilliance in his kind eyes, he said to Obi-Wan, "Would you be a doll, and get me some of those Twizzlers Pull n' Peel? I saw them in the kitchen. And try not to eat them all before you come back, my dear padawan." Obi-Wan bowed his head honorably, and scuttled out of the room.
It was around this point that Qui-Gon noticed a large blood stain in the middle of the bed. "Oh dear," he whispered, "What has happened?"
Samwise Gamgee glanced at the spot, then spitefully at Harry Potter. "It seems that Mr. Potter has had his time of the month."
Harry Potter gasped like a schoolgirl, and tried to defend himself, unsuccessfully.
Spider Man hid the open wound on his arm, too amused to say anything. Samwise then thwacked Harry with his own broomstick. Harry countered with a string of obscenities umbecoming of a young boy--or even a porn star--so foul was his mouth.
"Master Qui-Gon!" said Frodo dully, carrying that same perpetually congested look on his face. "This is very troubling." He lifted a certain DVD that had fallen during Harry's digging session. Qui-Gon bent down, *way* down, and took the DVD from the hobbit's hands. He stared at the cover, puzzled.
"Moulin Rouge?" the Jedi master mused, reading the summary and noting the pictures of Christian. "I do not recall Obi-Wan auditioning for any musicals. Hmm. This is odd. His natural hair color is strawberry blonde, although I must admit he looks ravishing with..." He paused to consider the bemused faces of those around him. "Nevermind."
"There is a darkness over the land," said Frodo, clutching his nipple...(where the One Ring was dangling, of course).
--------------
Meanwhile... Legolas, the cactus plant, Chickie Bates, and Tara were off in a separate room to discuss the events at hand.
Legolas and Cactus Plant were there by no fault of their own-- the girls had walked into the bedroom to find them napping together in the spare bed. Tara was jealous at first, that her beloved Cactus be snuggling with some hippie elf, but Chickie helped convince her that it was probably best the plant stay where he was truly loved. (No doubt, Cactus was beginning to tire of Chickie's attempts to poison him to clear his spot in the living room.) Besides, it was a shining moment for all when they got polaroids of Legolas in his knickers. Despite their effeminate ways, apparently it's VERY true what they say about elves... we have proof...
At any rate, they decided to return to the rest of the group with their plans finally organized.
--------------
As the girls and well-endowed Elf walked back into the main room, however, they were met with a great surprise.
There was a familiar DVD playing on the screen, and all the otherworldly characters were standing on the bed in a fashionable circle.
"Seasons may change," cooed Qui-Gon..
"..winter to spring," muttered Frodo glumly.
"But I love you," Samwise said softly,
"until the end.. of... tiiiime," sang Harry Potter, his broomstick propped as a microphone.
All: "COME WHAT MAY....."
Spider Man: (singing above the others) "COoOOme what maaaaay......"
All: "I will LOVE YOU---"
"AHEM!" Chickie and Tara 'coughed' loudly. "Sorry to interrupt, but we have business to take care of!"
Everyone stared quietly for a minute, before giving it all they had: "UNTIL THE END.. OF TIIIIME!" Once finished, they applauded themselves and bowed graciously to the audience: Chickie and Tara with their arms crossed, Legolas in his undies, and a cactus.
Silence.
"Hey," said The Chickster, "Where's Obi-Wan?"
"He's been in the bathroom observing his facial growth in the mirror," said Qui-Gon plainly, reaching into his pocket for a lint-covered Twizzler.
"Right. Well, first things first-- Spidey, we have a job for you." Spider Man webbed on over to the girls. "Please go to this address," said Tara as she handed him a piece of paper, "and find this girl. Web her against her will if you have to, but make sure that she gets here." The superhero nodded, squirted a big string through the window, and flew out.
Not a minute passed, when a knock came at the front door.
"Okay," said Chickie nervously, "Everyone act normal!"
Frodo Baggins stared at Samwise Gamgee, who stared at Legolas in his panties, who stared at Cactus Plant, who was pointed at Saruman taped to a chair, who was glaring at Qui-Gon Jinn, who was thinking about Obi-Wan Kenobi as a brunette.
"Um. Nevermind," she said. "Just nobody move."
Tara went to answer the door. "Who is it?"
"It's ME," came the voice on the other end.
"YOU!" Tara exclaimed, having just sent Spider Man out to find this very person. "That was fast!"
"What was?" said the voice. "Let me in!"
Tara slowly opened the door, staring at her fellow movie-obsessed mate Phoebe on the other side.
"You're not going to believe this," said Phoebe, "but I have something very interesting to tell you."
"No, no, no," said Tara with an almost hysterical laugh. "You will die when you hear what has happened here."
"Oh no," said Phoebe hastily. "I think my news is better."
"Oh really?" said Tara, kicking the door wide open.
Phoebe poked a head in, to find allllllll the aforementioned characters gathered around the big screen TV in the living room, watching Moulin Rouge! and reciting lines accurately.
" '...totawee awone!' " said Frodo, who was obviously playing the part of Toulouse.
"Oh my," blurted Phoebe, but she didn't seem surprised enough for Tara's taste.
"What do you mean OH MY'! Are you blind? Do you not see--"
"YES, I see quite plainly," said Phoebe with sudden giddiness. "And I would be extremely disturbed, had I not already....well... Alright guys, haul in."
Tara had not noticed them all standing outside, but once Phoebe gave the order, in came marching: Strider from Lord of the Rings; the Green Goblin from Spider Man (who was tied up and gagged for trying to kill everyone); Christian himself from Moulin Rouge; and Dr. Frank-n-furter from The Rocky Horror Picture Show, who had Maximus from Gladiator on a leash behind him.
"Smile boy," came Frank's silky vocals, as he gave Maxmius a little slap on the cheek. "We have guests!" Maximus smiled very widely, receiving a pinch and kiss from his master.
"OH MY GOD!!" Tara and Chickie screeched together.
"I know!" said Phoebe who would have been laughing maniacally had she not spied Samwise Gamgee on the edge of the couch, playing Harold Zidler.
"Everything's going so WELL!" he yelled gaily.
"You have SAM!" Phoebe screeched.
"Yes, we do, muwhaha."
"Well," began Phoebe professionally, "I will give you Strider if you let me have Sam."
"Strider? Hm, my mom could use him," pondered Tara aloud. "Well you won't get Sam without Frodo, you know."
"Alright, deal!"
"No, that's not a deal! That's one for us, and two for you. I'll need someone else to make it even. Give me Christian."
"HA!!"
"Fine! Give me Frank!"
"Well, you won't get Frank without Maximus. That gives you one more than me."
At that moment, Obi-Wan Kenobi came in from the hallway, striking a match on his chin to see if it would light. "Hey!" he exclaimed, "where's the party!"
Phoebe, trying carefully not to soil herself, stared in awe. "You have Obi- Wan too!"
"Why hello there," said the Jedi to Phoebe, shaking her hand. "I have a beard."
"Yes.. yes you do." Phoebe stared, but suddenly aware of something, she pounced on Christian, who was trying to hide himself behind a curtain that was not there. Naturally Christian tried to shove her off, his screams muffled, but she stayed glued to his face like a shade on a lamp.
"What in the name of Yoda are you doing to this poor man!" Obi-Wan asked with great concern, trying to pry Phoebe off.
"No!" said Tara, suddenly catching on, and latching onto Obi-Wan's legs. "You mustn't see!"
"Mustn't see what!" yelled Obi-Wan, trying to shake her away, but he only dragged her around on the floor like a loose shoelace.
At that moment, Chickie Bates also caught on, but thinking to herself that perhaps Phoebe and Tara had it set, she reached for Christian's pants and pulled them down faster than anyone could say "Tiger!"
At this, a hush came over the entire room.
"He has a huge... talent!" blurted Frodo, remembering his line.
"Oh MY!" exclaimed Obi-Wan, staring. "It... looks.. very familiar!" Threatening them with his lightsaber, he finally got them all to move.
Christian abruptly pulled his pants back up, and once he organized himself and saw Obi-Wan, his mouth formed a large "O." As in.. "OH MY GOODNESS!"
Obi-Wan dropped his lightsaber, which Dr. Frank-n-furter quickly retrieved and went off to another room with Maximus.
"Why... you're.. you're ME! With dark hair!" exclaimed Obi-Wan, obviously.
"And.. and... you're ME!" Christian whispered, bewildered. "But.. with a mullet!"
Chickie, Phoebe, and Tara basked in the Ewan-ness, but were concerned that something weird might happen. Wait... scratch that.
Tara glanced at Strider, who was sniffing things and scanning the carpet for footprints. "What are you doing?" She asked cautiously. "I swear I vacuum every day."
"There is a darkness over the land," Strider replied, on the floor like a snake in the grass. "I sense it."
"Oh yeah, Saruman, over there in the corner. He's harmless, really."
Strider stood and walked toward the wizard, who was wearing makeup and a neon pink feather boa. Without a word, Strider back-handed him, then went to join Legolas and Cactus Plant for the "play." Harry Potter was doing a fabulous impression of Nini Legs-in-the-Air, while Qui-Gon mastered the role of The Unconscious Argentinean. Of course, he kept accidentally making people fall unconscious with his keen Jedi powers, but... eventually he got it straight.
Christian and Obi-Wan continued staring at eachother.
"May I have proof?" said Christian timidly.
"Of course!" said Obi-Wan, lifting his Jedi robes to display his... force.
At this, a hush came over the entire room.
"It's true!" Christian gasped. They continued to look at eachother with amazement and adimration.
They began to poke eachother's faces to verify the realness. Obi-Wan was more than pleased to let Christian file his nails on the goatee. Christian was more than pleased to let Obi-Wan play in his smooth hair. Regardless, they would not take their eyes off one another.
"Hm. I think there's only one way to solve this problem," said Chickie.
Phoebe and Tara exchanged knowing glances, and promptly lifted their shirts to flash the men.
"NO!" Chickie snapped. "Not that!"
The girls lowered their blouses, humbled.
"Gah. We must find the REAL Ewan McGregor and bring him here to explain everything!"
Don, don, donnnnn!