Frodo Baggins, the One Ring, Samwise Gamgee, and Phoebe all wandered around
Super Wal-Mart in a daze.
Just as Samwise was reaching for a pack of Twizzlers that Qui-Gon requested, Frodo gave a sharp yelp. He was staring at something dangling off of one of the shelves in the 'Videos/DVDs' section. It was a poster of himself, and the rest of the Fellowship of the Ring. Large letters underlined the group with "Comes out August 6th." Samwise gasped at the sight of himself and Mr. Frodo on cardboard. Cautiously, he touched the poster. Then he punched it. It tumbled to the ground, indiscreetly.
"Hey!" someone yelled from behind. An average-looking Wal-Mart clerk scrambled over. "Don't touch--" but he stopped and stared at the hobbits. "Wow! These are the greatest costumes I've ever seen! Hey Barney, you gotta see this!"
And before anything could be done to prevent it, a huge crowd was gathering around. Frodo nervously clutched his necklace which held the One Ring, but released it when Phoebe gave him an evil look to remind him of their former accident. The three all hugged eachother as the crowd advanced. People were whispering things like "magnificent!" and "unbelievable" and "Moulin Rouge.."
"Hey, What about Moulin Rouge?" Phoebe asked urgently.
"Oh," said a random lady from the crowd, taking a picture. "Harold Zidler and Satine from Moulin Rouge are at the entrance! It's amazing! The girl looks just like Nicole Kidman!"
The hobbits and Phoebe exchanged uneasy looks. They tried to move away from the mob of fans, but it just wasn't happening.
"I AM THE EVIL MAHARAJAH!!" boomed a gritty voice. The crowd parted fearfully, to reveal Harold Zidler himself. "It's alright, my little sparrow," he said softly, and Satine popped out from behind him. They walked toward Phoebe and the Hobbits.
"Monsieur Gandalf insists you know the whereabouts of dear Christian," said Satine frantically.
"Gandalf!?" Frodo and Sam exclaimed, staring at the scantily clad courtesan.
"Satine! Zidler!...and Gandalf?!" said Phoebe, more excited than a Chihuahua when its master comes home.
"Yes!" beamed Zidler. "He's a very kind man, you must admit, such style!"
"Where is he??" Frodo asked anxiously.
"I'm not sure," replied Zidler. "He left in such a hurry."
"Oh dear." Satine wavered. And with a loud hacking noise, she fainted. Zidler caught her, frowning, wacky mustache and all.
Phoebe's chin began to quiver at the memory of Moulin Rouge's end scene. "Well," she said hastily, "we should go back. Christian is there, along with a thousand other famous characters."
"Let's make a run for it!" bellowed Samwise, hoisting a very depressed, and weary Frodo into one of the shopping carts.
And the group ran, with about ten baskets full of groceries and supplies, to the parking lot, hopped into the Elephant-on-Wheels that Zidler and Satine arrived in, and took off for the apartment.
-------
BACK AT THE APARTMENT.....
Qui-Gon and Commodus were in their own world. The Jedi Master was teaching the infantile Roman Emporer a thing or two about calling on The Force. (Chickie and Tara cringed at the thought of Commodus being able to move stuff with his mind, among other things.) In return, Commodus was combing Qui-Gon's long locks, setting them in thoughtful braids, and talking idly about how he wanted to kill Maximus, tyrannize Rome, take over the world, and.. whatnot.
Dr. Frank-n-furter was giving the wizard Saruman and the villainous Green Goblin lap dances. They were, of course, both still tied up and gagged for trying to kill everyone they saw, which was the basis of their appeal to good ol' Frank. Frank began to sing along with his performance, doing renditions of "Like a Virgin" and "Spectacular Spectacular" from Moulin Rouge, of which he was a new fanatic.
The General Maximus was playing chess with Legolas the Elf, and losing horribly. Irritated by the elf's perfection, Maximus jumped out his seat and flipped the chessboard over.
"My name is Maximus Decimus Meridus," he roared, "commander of the armies of the North, general of the Felix legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, and I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next!!"
Commodus pretended to ignore Maximus, loudly whistling the MR tune "One Day I'll Fly Away."
Legolas whipped out his bow-and-arrow.
"Alright now!" Tara yelled, trying to climb out of a hammock made of spider webs, which Spidey left earlier. "Knock it off! There will be no war in this apartment!"
Legolas lowered his weapon. Maximus scratched himself, grunted, and walked away. Tara's foot stuck to the web material, and she fell smack on her face.
"Careful, strawberry!" came a voice a little too familiar. Tara looked up from her tangle of body parts, to find Harold Zidler's smiling face mere inches from hers. Completely not expecting to see THAT, she screamed at the top of her lungs, and tried desperately to get up. After a few minutes of serious struggling, she finally stood straight, webs dangling from her chin, hair, and clothes.
"Forgive the intrusion, cherub," said Zidler darkly.
"MORE!?" Tara squeaked.
Phoebe stood guiltily in the doorway. "Well, we found them at the store! Couldn't just leave them there!"
"Who else?" Tara's eyes darted around nervously. She finally spied Satine, who was being assaulted by Frank, who was trying to tear off her black lingerie.
"Marvelous!!" Frank gawked, biting into the lace. Satine shrieked, broke a sweat, and passed out again. Zidler gave Frank a hefty knock on the nose, then tended to the courtesan.
"And," said Samwise merrily, "Gandalf is around!"
"Gandalf, where??"
"Don't know! Master Zidler said he just ran off; you know how he can be."
"I suppose."
"Incandiferous!" said a shrimpy voice out of nowhere.
"What?" Tara looked at Phoebe strangely.
"Huh? I didn't say anything!" said Phoebe defensively. She peered around, trying to find the source of shrimpiness.
"INCANDIFEROUS!" came the voice again. This time Phoebe stared at Tara, accusingly.
"What!" exclaimed Tara. "I didn't say anything! It's not even a real word, why would I say it? Mreh."
Phoebe glared. Then she looked around the doorway, poking a head outside and searching without luck.
"You have a wovewy crotch," said the voice. Phoebe looked down and gasped at the sight of Toulouse from Moulin Rouge, who was staring straight at her middle.
"Toulouse!" she exclaimed, jerking him inside the building and slamming the door shut.
Now let it be known, that the moment Phoebe and the Hobbits walked through the door with tons of bags from the store, all hell broke loose. Sam and Frodo were already in the bathroom filling the bathtub up with Dr Pepper (amused to see Spidey and the Green Goblin's pictures on the cans), emptying can after can, for whatever strange future purpose. Qui-Gon and Commodus were burying themselves in heaps of Skittles, Hershey's Kisses, Lemonheads, Twizzlers, and Gummi Bears. Frank-n-furter was opening a box of Tampax tampons.
"Frank!" Chickie burst out. "What in god's name do you need tampons for!" Frank huffed, waved a hand dismissively, and stalked off.
Maximus gnawed frantically on a piece of doggy-treat cow hide. Legolas pulled out a piece of ribbon, wrapping it with great care around Cactus Plant, and pronouncing in the Elvish tongue a marriage ritual.
Meanwhile, Obi-Wan and Christian were swapping battle stories. Obi-Wan was mentioning something about the hideous Darth Maul he and Qui-Gon once encountered. Christian was reminded of the Duke, of whom he spoke quite distastefully, and about how he would always try and interrupt his interactions with Satine... wait.. SATINE!
For the first time, Christian noticed his beloved prostitute-singer standing in a corner with Toulouse and Zidler, who were entranced by the Moulin Rouge DVD.
"I had no idea they were watching us," said Zidler glumly. "Another mindless crime..."
It was at that moment when Satine noticed Christian as well, and she immediately began to sing, "How wonderful life is..."
Both running toward eachother like drunken rabbits, they met at the middle, and embraced and kissed lovingly. Christian finished with, "Now you're in the woooooorld."
Obi-Wan was NOT amused. "It's a little bit funny.. this feeling inside.." he mumbled under his breath, gritting his teeth.
Qui-Gon, amusd by Obi-Wan's predicament, tossed a Skittle at him. It bounced off of Obi's forehead and fell into his robes. Tara was quick to retrieve it, diving into Obi-Wan's shirt like it was nobody's business.
"Oh my!" the Jedi gasped. Tara's legs poked out of the neck of his robes, his head wedged between her thighs, with her face peering out somewhere in a fold of his clothes. She chewed the Skittle merrily, waving to her friends. Obi considered kicking her off him and saying something to the effect of "These robes aren't big for the both of us," but found he rather enjoyed the sensation.
It was at this perfect moment that the front door floor open, and in walked Spider-Man, Strider, and Harry Potter floating on his broomstick, with a curiously squirmy potato sack among them. They walked to the center of the room, plopping the bag onto the floor. It tumbled over, releasing several groans and obscenities unbecoming of a potato sack.
"EWAN!!!!!!!!!!!"
The three girls gathered around the bag of goodies, shivering with antici.... pation.
Just as Samwise was reaching for a pack of Twizzlers that Qui-Gon requested, Frodo gave a sharp yelp. He was staring at something dangling off of one of the shelves in the 'Videos/DVDs' section. It was a poster of himself, and the rest of the Fellowship of the Ring. Large letters underlined the group with "Comes out August 6th." Samwise gasped at the sight of himself and Mr. Frodo on cardboard. Cautiously, he touched the poster. Then he punched it. It tumbled to the ground, indiscreetly.
"Hey!" someone yelled from behind. An average-looking Wal-Mart clerk scrambled over. "Don't touch--" but he stopped and stared at the hobbits. "Wow! These are the greatest costumes I've ever seen! Hey Barney, you gotta see this!"
And before anything could be done to prevent it, a huge crowd was gathering around. Frodo nervously clutched his necklace which held the One Ring, but released it when Phoebe gave him an evil look to remind him of their former accident. The three all hugged eachother as the crowd advanced. People were whispering things like "magnificent!" and "unbelievable" and "Moulin Rouge.."
"Hey, What about Moulin Rouge?" Phoebe asked urgently.
"Oh," said a random lady from the crowd, taking a picture. "Harold Zidler and Satine from Moulin Rouge are at the entrance! It's amazing! The girl looks just like Nicole Kidman!"
The hobbits and Phoebe exchanged uneasy looks. They tried to move away from the mob of fans, but it just wasn't happening.
"I AM THE EVIL MAHARAJAH!!" boomed a gritty voice. The crowd parted fearfully, to reveal Harold Zidler himself. "It's alright, my little sparrow," he said softly, and Satine popped out from behind him. They walked toward Phoebe and the Hobbits.
"Monsieur Gandalf insists you know the whereabouts of dear Christian," said Satine frantically.
"Gandalf!?" Frodo and Sam exclaimed, staring at the scantily clad courtesan.
"Satine! Zidler!...and Gandalf?!" said Phoebe, more excited than a Chihuahua when its master comes home.
"Yes!" beamed Zidler. "He's a very kind man, you must admit, such style!"
"Where is he??" Frodo asked anxiously.
"I'm not sure," replied Zidler. "He left in such a hurry."
"Oh dear." Satine wavered. And with a loud hacking noise, she fainted. Zidler caught her, frowning, wacky mustache and all.
Phoebe's chin began to quiver at the memory of Moulin Rouge's end scene. "Well," she said hastily, "we should go back. Christian is there, along with a thousand other famous characters."
"Let's make a run for it!" bellowed Samwise, hoisting a very depressed, and weary Frodo into one of the shopping carts.
And the group ran, with about ten baskets full of groceries and supplies, to the parking lot, hopped into the Elephant-on-Wheels that Zidler and Satine arrived in, and took off for the apartment.
-------
BACK AT THE APARTMENT.....
Qui-Gon and Commodus were in their own world. The Jedi Master was teaching the infantile Roman Emporer a thing or two about calling on The Force. (Chickie and Tara cringed at the thought of Commodus being able to move stuff with his mind, among other things.) In return, Commodus was combing Qui-Gon's long locks, setting them in thoughtful braids, and talking idly about how he wanted to kill Maximus, tyrannize Rome, take over the world, and.. whatnot.
Dr. Frank-n-furter was giving the wizard Saruman and the villainous Green Goblin lap dances. They were, of course, both still tied up and gagged for trying to kill everyone they saw, which was the basis of their appeal to good ol' Frank. Frank began to sing along with his performance, doing renditions of "Like a Virgin" and "Spectacular Spectacular" from Moulin Rouge, of which he was a new fanatic.
The General Maximus was playing chess with Legolas the Elf, and losing horribly. Irritated by the elf's perfection, Maximus jumped out his seat and flipped the chessboard over.
"My name is Maximus Decimus Meridus," he roared, "commander of the armies of the North, general of the Felix legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, and I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next!!"
Commodus pretended to ignore Maximus, loudly whistling the MR tune "One Day I'll Fly Away."
Legolas whipped out his bow-and-arrow.
"Alright now!" Tara yelled, trying to climb out of a hammock made of spider webs, which Spidey left earlier. "Knock it off! There will be no war in this apartment!"
Legolas lowered his weapon. Maximus scratched himself, grunted, and walked away. Tara's foot stuck to the web material, and she fell smack on her face.
"Careful, strawberry!" came a voice a little too familiar. Tara looked up from her tangle of body parts, to find Harold Zidler's smiling face mere inches from hers. Completely not expecting to see THAT, she screamed at the top of her lungs, and tried desperately to get up. After a few minutes of serious struggling, she finally stood straight, webs dangling from her chin, hair, and clothes.
"Forgive the intrusion, cherub," said Zidler darkly.
"MORE!?" Tara squeaked.
Phoebe stood guiltily in the doorway. "Well, we found them at the store! Couldn't just leave them there!"
"Who else?" Tara's eyes darted around nervously. She finally spied Satine, who was being assaulted by Frank, who was trying to tear off her black lingerie.
"Marvelous!!" Frank gawked, biting into the lace. Satine shrieked, broke a sweat, and passed out again. Zidler gave Frank a hefty knock on the nose, then tended to the courtesan.
"And," said Samwise merrily, "Gandalf is around!"
"Gandalf, where??"
"Don't know! Master Zidler said he just ran off; you know how he can be."
"I suppose."
"Incandiferous!" said a shrimpy voice out of nowhere.
"What?" Tara looked at Phoebe strangely.
"Huh? I didn't say anything!" said Phoebe defensively. She peered around, trying to find the source of shrimpiness.
"INCANDIFEROUS!" came the voice again. This time Phoebe stared at Tara, accusingly.
"What!" exclaimed Tara. "I didn't say anything! It's not even a real word, why would I say it? Mreh."
Phoebe glared. Then she looked around the doorway, poking a head outside and searching without luck.
"You have a wovewy crotch," said the voice. Phoebe looked down and gasped at the sight of Toulouse from Moulin Rouge, who was staring straight at her middle.
"Toulouse!" she exclaimed, jerking him inside the building and slamming the door shut.
Now let it be known, that the moment Phoebe and the Hobbits walked through the door with tons of bags from the store, all hell broke loose. Sam and Frodo were already in the bathroom filling the bathtub up with Dr Pepper (amused to see Spidey and the Green Goblin's pictures on the cans), emptying can after can, for whatever strange future purpose. Qui-Gon and Commodus were burying themselves in heaps of Skittles, Hershey's Kisses, Lemonheads, Twizzlers, and Gummi Bears. Frank-n-furter was opening a box of Tampax tampons.
"Frank!" Chickie burst out. "What in god's name do you need tampons for!" Frank huffed, waved a hand dismissively, and stalked off.
Maximus gnawed frantically on a piece of doggy-treat cow hide. Legolas pulled out a piece of ribbon, wrapping it with great care around Cactus Plant, and pronouncing in the Elvish tongue a marriage ritual.
Meanwhile, Obi-Wan and Christian were swapping battle stories. Obi-Wan was mentioning something about the hideous Darth Maul he and Qui-Gon once encountered. Christian was reminded of the Duke, of whom he spoke quite distastefully, and about how he would always try and interrupt his interactions with Satine... wait.. SATINE!
For the first time, Christian noticed his beloved prostitute-singer standing in a corner with Toulouse and Zidler, who were entranced by the Moulin Rouge DVD.
"I had no idea they were watching us," said Zidler glumly. "Another mindless crime..."
It was at that moment when Satine noticed Christian as well, and she immediately began to sing, "How wonderful life is..."
Both running toward eachother like drunken rabbits, they met at the middle, and embraced and kissed lovingly. Christian finished with, "Now you're in the woooooorld."
Obi-Wan was NOT amused. "It's a little bit funny.. this feeling inside.." he mumbled under his breath, gritting his teeth.
Qui-Gon, amusd by Obi-Wan's predicament, tossed a Skittle at him. It bounced off of Obi's forehead and fell into his robes. Tara was quick to retrieve it, diving into Obi-Wan's shirt like it was nobody's business.
"Oh my!" the Jedi gasped. Tara's legs poked out of the neck of his robes, his head wedged between her thighs, with her face peering out somewhere in a fold of his clothes. She chewed the Skittle merrily, waving to her friends. Obi considered kicking her off him and saying something to the effect of "These robes aren't big for the both of us," but found he rather enjoyed the sensation.
It was at this perfect moment that the front door floor open, and in walked Spider-Man, Strider, and Harry Potter floating on his broomstick, with a curiously squirmy potato sack among them. They walked to the center of the room, plopping the bag onto the floor. It tumbled over, releasing several groans and obscenities unbecoming of a potato sack.
"EWAN!!!!!!!!!!!"
The three girls gathered around the bag of goodies, shivering with antici.... pation.