The fuzzy-faced head of Ewan McGregor himself spilled out of the large
potato sack. His bright eyes were like a wolf's--wild and instinctive, not
to mention extremely vicious and ticked off. The rest of his body remained
in the bag, obviously tied up in some sort of metaphysics-defying pretzel.
He took one look around the room, screamed like he'd just witnessed a body rising from an operating table in a morgue, and launched a one-man army of vile obscenities, his accent so thick no one really understood him anyway.
"WHAT THE F**# ?!?! WHO F#*&???#^#%% WHERE #&?&#?&# sick and &#*$%$ can't F#*#&%%** believe this S*&????^%@@ (expletive deleted) WHY F*%BLOODY&^# (expletive deleted) AND YOU *&^???@@ing *&#@&# ((c e n s o r e d for TV)) #!!?*!#!.......OKAY!?!?"
Samwise shrieked and clasped his hands over Frodo's ears. Commodus broke out in tears. Qui-Gon pulled out his light-saber, just incase some droids pop out of the walls at the Scotsman's unsavory commands. Frank-n-Furter had hearts in his eyes. Legolas just stood around looking thoughtful, as per usual. Maximus was on the toilet the whole time, so he missed it. Ewan's captors: Spider Man, Harry Potter, and Strider all shrugged knowingly. Tara, Chickie, and Phoebe were smiling in a way that made them look obscenely drunk.
Christian and Obi-Wan looked at one another, then back at Ewan, in complete awe. (Tara, formerly hiding out in Obi-Wan's robes, slid out the moment Ewan arrived.) Then the two simultaneously dropped to their hands and knees and bowed to the potato-sacked Scotsman. Ewan almost shat himself at the mere site of both Obi-Wan and Christian, together, in the same room as he. Three Ewan McGregors united in a parody of fics.
"Ah! Good God! Get me out of here!" Ewan cried, flinging himself around like a fish on land.
"Yes, Mr. McGregor was a slimy little buggar to catch," Harry Potter confessed. "Had to whack him over the top with my broomstick."
"Oh, you poor baby!" Phoebe gasped, running to help release Ewan from his terrible bonds.
"Oh no!" said Strider warningly, blocking Phoebe's path. "The whacking did him no good. He bit into the broomstick and almost broke it in half."
The girls stared at Ewan, fascinated. Well, even more fascinated than usual.
"Mr. McGregor," piped up Chickie when she could manage to contain herself. "We sent for you because we need your help."
"My help!" croaked Ewan, in such a position that his bottom half (which was still bagged) rolled over his head. He landed on his stomach. "For god's sake, get me out of this thing, and I'll do anything you ask!"
Chickie, overwhelmed by the mere concept of Ewan doing whatever she asked, fainted. Spidey caught her as she fell, Strider picking up her feet as they moved to plop her down on the couch. Tara, overwhelmed by the mere concept of Ewan doing whatever Chickie asked, also fainted. Harry and Sam put her on the couch beside her roommate.
"Alright, we'll let you out," said Qui-Gon, slicing the bag open with his trusty flashlight, er, light saber. "Maybe in doing this, we will finally find the answers to our dilemma."
Ewan spilled out with ease, and stood up wearing nothing but his underwear.
"Oh yeah," said Spider Man, "The poor man was just out of the shower. Heh."
No one minded.
"So as Madam Chickie was trying to explain," continued Qui-Gon, "We do need your help."
Ewan shifted, though unconcerned with the fact that everyone was staring at the 'jewelry' in his 'box.'
"Yes?" he inquired seriously. "How can I help a room full of strangers that took me from my home to have me meet my onscreen alter-egoes? Just HOW may I help? DO TELL!"
He cast one more bewildered look at Obi-Wan and Christian, then fainted; in hopes that when he awoke he would be at home again--surrounded, as he suspected, by a truckload of empty beer bottles. Ewan landed on Phoebe, who was standing behind him for a better view, and the two went crashing down to the floor. Phoebe, hyperventilating, passed out.
Satine, all disturbed about everything going on, also blacked out.. coughing up some blood first, for good measure.
So, the four girls and Ewan were brought to the bedroom in the back, and all set side-by-side on the giant bed to ...rest. Muwaha.
-------------------
A loud, gurgling flushing noise came from somewhere down the hall, and a minute later Maximus walked into the main room, adjusting his leather skirt. He peered around, noticing a few less in the room.
"Where is everyone?" he said suspiciously. "I heard---" but before he could finish, Commodus was in front of him, jamming a Twix bar into his side.
"SMILE FOR ME NOW, BROTHER!" he growled. Maximus keeled over: DEAD.
Qui-Gon slapped Commodus on the hand, giving him a long lesson about not killing very important army commanders, and/or heroes of very expensive sword-and-sandal movies, since it makes it much more difficult to produce a sequel.
Everyone watched in shock as Maximus' dead body slowly gravitated, became translucent, then disappeared completely.
"MAXI!" Frank-n-Furter howled at the loss of his pet. Although everyone tried to keep him calm, he began to run around in circles, bouncing desperately off the walls, smearing his makeup and basically going insane. In a fury, he ran outside the apartment and disappeared like a creature in the night.
Everyone shrugged and went back to business.
"Hmm," Qui-Gon hmmed. "So if we are all, in fact, not part of this planet, and we die in this world, we are automatically transported to our own worlds."
But everyone had their own theories about why the General Maximus suddenly disappeared, and thus ensued a very loud, uncontrollable argument amongst everyone present. The noise was so annoying and loud, in fact, that none could any longer hear himself talking.
"BIIIIILBO BAGGINS!" boomed a voice so grand and deep it made the floor shake.
Everyone fell silent, and turned their attention toward the tall old man in the corner that had temporarily grown to ten times his normal size.
"GANDALF!" Frodo, Samwise, Legolas, and Strider all ran up to him, asking a thousand questions unharmoniously. Gandalf lifted his hand in a gesture of silence, and they all zipped it. The old man then whipped out his pipe, having a seat and puffing away. Everyone stared at him, waiting. He was quiet likeso for damn near a century. Or, according to Legolas, five minutes.
"Ahem. Sorry to interrupt, but might we have a word?" asked Qui-Gon, stepping over to the wizard, extending his hand. Gandalf, moving no quicker than molasses, shook it and nodded.
"Ah, Qui-Gon Jinn," said the wizard, staring mysteriously at the Jedi.
"Indeed, Gandalf the Grey," said Qui-Gon Jinn in return.
Zidler, who had been watching with great interest, interrupted with his voice at a mocking tone, "WELL now that we're all properly acquainted, bahaha!"
Toulouse turned to Zidler, shaking his hand, "Ah, Harold Zidler!"
And Zidler said in return, "Ah, Henri Marie Raymond de Toulouse-Lautrec Monfa!"
Everyone huffed at them, so they zipped it.
Gandalf turned to them suddenly. "You're Jim Broadbent and John Leguizamo, aren't you?"
They stared at him, confused.
"Well I'll be a monkey's uncle!" said Gandalf, running up to them with a quill in his hand. "Can I have your autographs? I am such a big fan of Moulin Rouge!" The two members of Moulin Rouge gave eachother doubtful looks, and signed Gandalf's hat.
Gandalf then turned to Christian, who was holding hands and meditating with Obi-Wan.
"Excuse me," interrupted the wizard.
Christian peeked an eye open, breaking from his moment of peace. "Yes?"
"Can I show you something I've been working on for some time?"
Christian gave him a strange look. "...Sure."
Gandalf approached the center of the room, propping his staff in front of him. "Blasted!" he cursed, unwinding his lengthy beard from it before starting. "Ahem." He took off his hat, holding it bashfully by his side. Everyone stared at him, utterly bemused. He brought his mouth to the top of the staff, and let it rip:
"THE HIIIILLS ARE ALIVE.. WITH THE SOUND OF MUUUSIIIC!" he sang at the top of his lungs, sounding exactly like Ewan McGregor in Moulin Rouge.
Christian's jaw dropped.
"Sorry to interrupt," said Spider Man, "but why would an esteemed wizard such as Gandalf here spend his time rehearsing parts of a musical, when it has absolutely nothing to do with anything?"
"Because it's good for you mind!" Christian sang in defense.
"Funny," muttered Spidey, being a bit of a grouch.
"The Spider's right," said Gandalf eerily. "We are wasting precious time. My dear people, I come bearing terrible news."
Everyone gathered in a circle around Gandalf, whispering amongst themselves.
"The news is this: the show Titus has been cancelled."
Everyone gasped, in utter disbelief.
"But wait, there is MORE! And far darker. The two most villainous characters here, The Green Goblin and my ex-best-friend Saruman have escaped!"
Everyone looked at the chairs that once bound the two evil ones, and saw only shredded ropes and the fluttering remnants of a feather boa. No one noticed that they had escaped, as they were too occupied with themselves. Needless to say, they all felt bad. Jerks.
"Blimey!" blurted Harry Potter, suddenly up in arms about the whole situation. "What I want to know is, how does this old hack know so much? One wonders what insane evil gives him the authority!" Harry lifted his broomstick like a sword, and whacked Gandalf's staff clean off the floor. Gandalf fell forward on his face. "I have seen some rotten wizards in my day," continued the boy, fearlessly, "and I will stop you before you destroy us all! I challenge you to a game of Wizard's Chess!"
Gandalf slowly rose to his feet, grumbling. "Potter," he said darkly, "I do not play Wizard's Chess with people under the age of 29384205675678678938."
"Hmph!" Harry glared. "A likely story!" Quickly the boy mounted his broom, soaring high above everyone else. "This is it for you, Gandalf!" he yelled, pulling out his wand.
But as he tried to swoop down and cast a spell to hinder the wizard, something unusual happened. Frodo Baggins emerged from his hiding spot under the cushions of the couch, promptly growing a spine. Using Toulouse as a step-ladder, and then Samwise's back to push off, he flew high into the air and drop-kicked Harry straight off his broom. Harry fell flat on his back, with Frodo right on him, swinging like Neo a la the end of The Matrix. Harry dropped his wand (which Frodo then broke over his own forehead), apologized thoroughly, and sulked off into a corner.
"AND ANOTHER THING!" Frodo yelled triumphantly, pulling the ring out of his shirt. "You see this! SEE THIS? This thing gives me nightmares! It argues when I try to give it a bath, it talks back... I haven't had a decent night's sleep since the night before Bilbo's birthday. SO YOU KNOW WHAT!?!"
The whole room took in a deep, strained breath.
"I QUIT." And he threw the One Ring onto the floor and stomped off.
"Oh dear," sighed Gandalf. "I think it's time we go home. But not until the villains are captured. No, indeed." And he continued mumbling to himself, puffing on the pipe, in front of the fireplace that had somehow appeared on scene.
Everyone else went about their business, except for Samwise who followed Frodo. Well, I guess that is Sam's business.
The Ring lay by itself on the floor, lonely and unloved.
He took one look around the room, screamed like he'd just witnessed a body rising from an operating table in a morgue, and launched a one-man army of vile obscenities, his accent so thick no one really understood him anyway.
"WHAT THE F**# ?!?! WHO F#*&???#^#%% WHERE #&?&#?&# sick and &#*$%$ can't F#*#&%%** believe this S*&????^%@@ (expletive deleted) WHY F*%BLOODY&^# (expletive deleted) AND YOU *&^???@@ing *&#@&# ((c e n s o r e d for TV)) #!!?*!#!.......OKAY!?!?"
Samwise shrieked and clasped his hands over Frodo's ears. Commodus broke out in tears. Qui-Gon pulled out his light-saber, just incase some droids pop out of the walls at the Scotsman's unsavory commands. Frank-n-Furter had hearts in his eyes. Legolas just stood around looking thoughtful, as per usual. Maximus was on the toilet the whole time, so he missed it. Ewan's captors: Spider Man, Harry Potter, and Strider all shrugged knowingly. Tara, Chickie, and Phoebe were smiling in a way that made them look obscenely drunk.
Christian and Obi-Wan looked at one another, then back at Ewan, in complete awe. (Tara, formerly hiding out in Obi-Wan's robes, slid out the moment Ewan arrived.) Then the two simultaneously dropped to their hands and knees and bowed to the potato-sacked Scotsman. Ewan almost shat himself at the mere site of both Obi-Wan and Christian, together, in the same room as he. Three Ewan McGregors united in a parody of fics.
"Ah! Good God! Get me out of here!" Ewan cried, flinging himself around like a fish on land.
"Yes, Mr. McGregor was a slimy little buggar to catch," Harry Potter confessed. "Had to whack him over the top with my broomstick."
"Oh, you poor baby!" Phoebe gasped, running to help release Ewan from his terrible bonds.
"Oh no!" said Strider warningly, blocking Phoebe's path. "The whacking did him no good. He bit into the broomstick and almost broke it in half."
The girls stared at Ewan, fascinated. Well, even more fascinated than usual.
"Mr. McGregor," piped up Chickie when she could manage to contain herself. "We sent for you because we need your help."
"My help!" croaked Ewan, in such a position that his bottom half (which was still bagged) rolled over his head. He landed on his stomach. "For god's sake, get me out of this thing, and I'll do anything you ask!"
Chickie, overwhelmed by the mere concept of Ewan doing whatever she asked, fainted. Spidey caught her as she fell, Strider picking up her feet as they moved to plop her down on the couch. Tara, overwhelmed by the mere concept of Ewan doing whatever Chickie asked, also fainted. Harry and Sam put her on the couch beside her roommate.
"Alright, we'll let you out," said Qui-Gon, slicing the bag open with his trusty flashlight, er, light saber. "Maybe in doing this, we will finally find the answers to our dilemma."
Ewan spilled out with ease, and stood up wearing nothing but his underwear.
"Oh yeah," said Spider Man, "The poor man was just out of the shower. Heh."
No one minded.
"So as Madam Chickie was trying to explain," continued Qui-Gon, "We do need your help."
Ewan shifted, though unconcerned with the fact that everyone was staring at the 'jewelry' in his 'box.'
"Yes?" he inquired seriously. "How can I help a room full of strangers that took me from my home to have me meet my onscreen alter-egoes? Just HOW may I help? DO TELL!"
He cast one more bewildered look at Obi-Wan and Christian, then fainted; in hopes that when he awoke he would be at home again--surrounded, as he suspected, by a truckload of empty beer bottles. Ewan landed on Phoebe, who was standing behind him for a better view, and the two went crashing down to the floor. Phoebe, hyperventilating, passed out.
Satine, all disturbed about everything going on, also blacked out.. coughing up some blood first, for good measure.
So, the four girls and Ewan were brought to the bedroom in the back, and all set side-by-side on the giant bed to ...rest. Muwaha.
-------------------
A loud, gurgling flushing noise came from somewhere down the hall, and a minute later Maximus walked into the main room, adjusting his leather skirt. He peered around, noticing a few less in the room.
"Where is everyone?" he said suspiciously. "I heard---" but before he could finish, Commodus was in front of him, jamming a Twix bar into his side.
"SMILE FOR ME NOW, BROTHER!" he growled. Maximus keeled over: DEAD.
Qui-Gon slapped Commodus on the hand, giving him a long lesson about not killing very important army commanders, and/or heroes of very expensive sword-and-sandal movies, since it makes it much more difficult to produce a sequel.
Everyone watched in shock as Maximus' dead body slowly gravitated, became translucent, then disappeared completely.
"MAXI!" Frank-n-Furter howled at the loss of his pet. Although everyone tried to keep him calm, he began to run around in circles, bouncing desperately off the walls, smearing his makeup and basically going insane. In a fury, he ran outside the apartment and disappeared like a creature in the night.
Everyone shrugged and went back to business.
"Hmm," Qui-Gon hmmed. "So if we are all, in fact, not part of this planet, and we die in this world, we are automatically transported to our own worlds."
But everyone had their own theories about why the General Maximus suddenly disappeared, and thus ensued a very loud, uncontrollable argument amongst everyone present. The noise was so annoying and loud, in fact, that none could any longer hear himself talking.
"BIIIIILBO BAGGINS!" boomed a voice so grand and deep it made the floor shake.
Everyone fell silent, and turned their attention toward the tall old man in the corner that had temporarily grown to ten times his normal size.
"GANDALF!" Frodo, Samwise, Legolas, and Strider all ran up to him, asking a thousand questions unharmoniously. Gandalf lifted his hand in a gesture of silence, and they all zipped it. The old man then whipped out his pipe, having a seat and puffing away. Everyone stared at him, waiting. He was quiet likeso for damn near a century. Or, according to Legolas, five minutes.
"Ahem. Sorry to interrupt, but might we have a word?" asked Qui-Gon, stepping over to the wizard, extending his hand. Gandalf, moving no quicker than molasses, shook it and nodded.
"Ah, Qui-Gon Jinn," said the wizard, staring mysteriously at the Jedi.
"Indeed, Gandalf the Grey," said Qui-Gon Jinn in return.
Zidler, who had been watching with great interest, interrupted with his voice at a mocking tone, "WELL now that we're all properly acquainted, bahaha!"
Toulouse turned to Zidler, shaking his hand, "Ah, Harold Zidler!"
And Zidler said in return, "Ah, Henri Marie Raymond de Toulouse-Lautrec Monfa!"
Everyone huffed at them, so they zipped it.
Gandalf turned to them suddenly. "You're Jim Broadbent and John Leguizamo, aren't you?"
They stared at him, confused.
"Well I'll be a monkey's uncle!" said Gandalf, running up to them with a quill in his hand. "Can I have your autographs? I am such a big fan of Moulin Rouge!" The two members of Moulin Rouge gave eachother doubtful looks, and signed Gandalf's hat.
Gandalf then turned to Christian, who was holding hands and meditating with Obi-Wan.
"Excuse me," interrupted the wizard.
Christian peeked an eye open, breaking from his moment of peace. "Yes?"
"Can I show you something I've been working on for some time?"
Christian gave him a strange look. "...Sure."
Gandalf approached the center of the room, propping his staff in front of him. "Blasted!" he cursed, unwinding his lengthy beard from it before starting. "Ahem." He took off his hat, holding it bashfully by his side. Everyone stared at him, utterly bemused. He brought his mouth to the top of the staff, and let it rip:
"THE HIIIILLS ARE ALIVE.. WITH THE SOUND OF MUUUSIIIC!" he sang at the top of his lungs, sounding exactly like Ewan McGregor in Moulin Rouge.
Christian's jaw dropped.
"Sorry to interrupt," said Spider Man, "but why would an esteemed wizard such as Gandalf here spend his time rehearsing parts of a musical, when it has absolutely nothing to do with anything?"
"Because it's good for you mind!" Christian sang in defense.
"Funny," muttered Spidey, being a bit of a grouch.
"The Spider's right," said Gandalf eerily. "We are wasting precious time. My dear people, I come bearing terrible news."
Everyone gathered in a circle around Gandalf, whispering amongst themselves.
"The news is this: the show Titus has been cancelled."
Everyone gasped, in utter disbelief.
"But wait, there is MORE! And far darker. The two most villainous characters here, The Green Goblin and my ex-best-friend Saruman have escaped!"
Everyone looked at the chairs that once bound the two evil ones, and saw only shredded ropes and the fluttering remnants of a feather boa. No one noticed that they had escaped, as they were too occupied with themselves. Needless to say, they all felt bad. Jerks.
"Blimey!" blurted Harry Potter, suddenly up in arms about the whole situation. "What I want to know is, how does this old hack know so much? One wonders what insane evil gives him the authority!" Harry lifted his broomstick like a sword, and whacked Gandalf's staff clean off the floor. Gandalf fell forward on his face. "I have seen some rotten wizards in my day," continued the boy, fearlessly, "and I will stop you before you destroy us all! I challenge you to a game of Wizard's Chess!"
Gandalf slowly rose to his feet, grumbling. "Potter," he said darkly, "I do not play Wizard's Chess with people under the age of 29384205675678678938."
"Hmph!" Harry glared. "A likely story!" Quickly the boy mounted his broom, soaring high above everyone else. "This is it for you, Gandalf!" he yelled, pulling out his wand.
But as he tried to swoop down and cast a spell to hinder the wizard, something unusual happened. Frodo Baggins emerged from his hiding spot under the cushions of the couch, promptly growing a spine. Using Toulouse as a step-ladder, and then Samwise's back to push off, he flew high into the air and drop-kicked Harry straight off his broom. Harry fell flat on his back, with Frodo right on him, swinging like Neo a la the end of The Matrix. Harry dropped his wand (which Frodo then broke over his own forehead), apologized thoroughly, and sulked off into a corner.
"AND ANOTHER THING!" Frodo yelled triumphantly, pulling the ring out of his shirt. "You see this! SEE THIS? This thing gives me nightmares! It argues when I try to give it a bath, it talks back... I haven't had a decent night's sleep since the night before Bilbo's birthday. SO YOU KNOW WHAT!?!"
The whole room took in a deep, strained breath.
"I QUIT." And he threw the One Ring onto the floor and stomped off.
"Oh dear," sighed Gandalf. "I think it's time we go home. But not until the villains are captured. No, indeed." And he continued mumbling to himself, puffing on the pipe, in front of the fireplace that had somehow appeared on scene.
Everyone else went about their business, except for Samwise who followed Frodo. Well, I guess that is Sam's business.
The Ring lay by itself on the floor, lonely and unloved.