(MEANWHILE, in the bedroom at the back of the apartment....)

After the commotion made by Baggins laying the smack down on Potter, the five people snoozing in the king-sized bed began to stir.

Satine from Moulin Rouge, Phoebe, Ewan McGregor as himself, Chickie, and Tara; each side-by-side in this particular order, except for Tara, who was lying horizontally at the foot of the bed.

They were only out for minutes, but it seemed like the lifespan of Elrond. It didn't take them long to awaken from their respective black-outs.

Tara, laying at everyone's feet, sat up and gagged. "IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS SACRED THAT IS THE MOST FOUL-SMELLING THING, EVER!!"

Immediately Satine sat up and, half-asleep, sang, "I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind.."

Tara buried her face in her arms and replied, "Well as a matter of fact, I do. Do you European girls ever wash your feet!?"

Then at once Ewan McGregor, sandwiched between Chickie and Phoebe, jumped wide awake. "Dear christ!" he shouted. "Where am I? Who are you! What time is it?" He tried to stretch his arms, but Phoebe's entire body was curled completely around one; Chickie around the other, like a snake coiled around prey.

Everyone, thanks to Ewan's loudness, was wide-awake and alert. Of course, Phoebe and Chickie pretended not to be and resumed their positions.

"Nicole!" Ewan exclaimed, smiling at Satine. "I'm so glad at least you're here!"

"Nicole?" Satine grumbled. "How many times have I woke up in the same bed with countless strangers, and none has the decency to call me by my real name! I tell you, I am ten seconds away from telling Zidler-"

"WHAT!" Ewan couldn't believe she was playing him like this. "Knickers! Are you mad?"

"Christian, how dare--" she stared at him, confused. "But.. you're not Christian. I say, where is my dear Christian?" And she scrambled out of the bed, peeking under it, poking behind closets, opening Chickie's underwear drawer.

But before she could find anything juicy, the door flew open and Christian jumped into the bedroom. He slammed the door behind him, and locked it in a hurry. Just when he thought the coast was clear, a shuffling noise on the floor caught his attention.

"Ahh!!" Christian yelped, staring down at Obi-Wan who was latched onto his legs.

"You can't leave me for her!" Obi-Wan insisted, holding him even tighter.

"Obi-Wan, please! I have to find Satine! I can't just--oh, Satine!"

Satine ran up to Christian, giving him a thousand kisses. She gasped down at Obi-Wan, who's arms and legs were wrapped around Christian's bottom half.

Obi-Wan waved and smiled up at her. "Hello!"

"Stop!" Satine yelled, thwacking Obi-Wan with her long sleeves. "Get off of him, off off!"

"Ow! Jesus, lady, you don't have to be so rough.. OUCH!! OW!" Obi-Wan struggled not to let go.

"HEY! Don't hurt Obi!" Tara flew out of the bed, curled herself up like a ball, and bowled straight into Satine. Satine shrieked and fell straight on her arse.

"Ewan, you have to do something!" Chickie whispered into The Man's ears. "You have to tell Obi-Wan that Christian belongs to Satine-"

"AHEM." Phoebe glared.

"I mean, that Christian belongs to Phoebe, and that Obi-Wan belongs to Qui- Gon-"

"AHEM."

"..that Obi-Wan belongs to Tara, okay? You have to!"

Ewan gave one of those 'how in god's name did I get into this mess?' looks, giving the situation some consideration.

They were in some sort of psychotic tug-of-war: Satine was trying to pry Christian away from Obi-Wan, and Tara was on top of Obi-Wan trying to pry him off of Christian.

Obi-Wan looked desperately up at Christian. "I don't have much money!!" he confessed. "But if I did. oh, I'd buy a big house where we both could live.."

Ewan stood up (still in his undies). Chickie and Phoebe lay under his legs to get a peek.

"EXCUSE ME," Ewan yelled at the struggle on the floor. They all stopped dead, staring. "Thanks. I.. I, uh, have an idea."

They disentangled themselves, and all watched him with the greatest of interest.

Satine coughed. Ewan gave her the evil eye. She was quiet.

"Alright, here's the deal. Everyone who looks like me, please stand right here." Obi-Wan and Christian walked to Ewan's right side. "Everyone else, here." Tara and Satine walked to his left. "Excuse me, girls?" He glanced down at Phoebe and Chickie, who had big happy smiles on their faces.

"Alright, alright," they muttered, moving next to Satine and Tara. Tara snickered. Ewan gave her a stern look.

"ZIPPIT."

She zipped it.

"Now," he continued, "we can't keep going on like this. Something must be done." He didn't look at Obi-Wan and Christian directly, because it made him feel weird. Still, he managed.

Phoebe grabbed a half-stale container of Pringles, and began munching away. Tara and Chickie's fingers immediately dove into the bottle. The three girls crunched noisily.

"Ladies, please." Ewan cast them a smoldering look. They all stopped, mid- crunch.

He stepped over, took a handful, popped them into his mouth, and continued. "Anyway," he said between munches, "what I mean is, we're just going to have to work something out." He swallowed, eating some more. "Christian, you can't have Obi-Wan. He's already taken."

Christian nodded, understanding. "Then I'll have Satine, and we'll-"

"NO!" Phoebe interrupted. "Me! Christian, you simply have to pick me!"

"Why can't I have Satine!"

"Be.. Because! This is OUR world, and if you want to survive, you have to fall in love with a member of the present time-frame that you're stuck in! Um, yeah!" She smoothly popped another chip into her mouth. "Sorry, it's the rules--plain and simple."

"Is this true?" Obi-Wan asked.

Ewan gave the girls a concerned look. They all whispered furiously, "please!! Please, please!"

"Yes!" Ewan said at last. "That is correct. It has to be someone of this world and time-frame."

Obi-Wan paused to consider, then he looked up at Tara who was posing for him like a fully-dressed bikini model. He blew her a kiss, in advance.

"Well I simply refuse," Christian muttered. "I'm sticking with Satine....until the end of time."

Phoebe was enraged. She jumped onto the bed, knocking Ewan to the side, and flinging chips everywhere.

"Th-THANK YOU for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with Moulin Rouge!" She flung a handful of Pringles at Christian. Before she left, she went up to Satine, giving one last evil look. She then stormed out of the room, with a chip on her shoulder. Baha!

Obi-Wan plucked some off of Christian's shoulders, popping them into his mouth and biting enthusiastically. "This is good stuff," he said, picking up the container and emptying it into his mouth.

"Come what may," said Satine joyously, bounding over the bed and into Christian's arms. Christian burst out crying, his feelings hurt. He dropped Satine and sulked.

A minute later Phoebe walked back in, throwing the Moulin Rouge DVD (after setting it on fire) at Christian and Satine.Without a word, she stormed back out.

"Oh!" exclaimed Ewan, getting an idea as he stopped the DVD from melting. "Christian! You must see this! Obi-Wan, please get Satine out of here."

Obi-Wan picked Satine up, and threw her in the closet. She banged furiously, but he stood in front of the door to block it, consuming the last of the chips and licking his fingers.

"Christian, I must show you what is going to happen."

Ewan turned on the DVD player, popped in Moulin Rouge, and fast-forwarded to the end. Christian almost had a nervous breakdown at the sight of Satine dying.

"Now really," said Ewan, "do you want to go through this? Better to end it while you still have a chance to love someone for a long time. And do you really want to be caught unwashed and with a flea-infested beard, eh?"

Christian considered, rubbing his chin. "You have a point."

And without further hesitation, he ran out of the bedroom to find Phoebe.

---------

Toulouse looked lost, muttering, "I can't remember my line.."

Phoebe was walking hastily toward the front door, her fists all balled up.

Then all of a sudden, an outrageously loud shrimpy voice boomed throughout the apartment, "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to LOVE and be LOVED in RETUUUUURN!!" Toulouse swang from the ceiling by a spider web, crashing into the wall.

Phoebe stopped, her back toward the crowd. She made a grouchy face, not moving.

"Never knew. I could feel like this," sang Christian softly from the opposite end of the room. His makeup was smeared, his eyes in tears. "Like I've never seen the sky before..."

Phoebe continued to look bitter, and kept walking.

"Want to vanish inside yoooour kiss, every day I'm lovin' you more and more..."

Phoebe stopped walking, turning toward Christian, suddenly moonstruck.

"Listen to my heeeeaaart can you hear it sing," continued Christian, opening his arms widely. "Come back to me, and forgive everything!!"

Pause for dramatic effect.

"Seasons my change, winter to spring..." He stared at Phoebe and whispered, "I love you."

Phoebe peeled out on the rug, and ran into Christian's arms. The whole crowd cheered as the two went off in a bedroom to... uh....... sing.

Moments later, Tara, Chickie, Ewan, Obi-Wan, and Satine emerged from the back.

"What happened?" asked Satine, giving Obi-Wan a spiteful look. Obi-Wan burped in her face.

"Christian and Phoebe are celebrating Christian's huge talent," said Toulouse.

"Oh no!" Satine gasped. "This can't be happening! Why would he leave me?!"

"Uh," Ewan shifted uncomfortably. "Nothing personal, babe. Just forget about him. Hey, look around the room, lots of readily available suitors willing to love you no matter how skanky you are!"

Satine slapped Ewan straight across the face.

"Oops," Ewan muttered, "I forgot you aren't Nic. My bad."

"Well, fine then! If that's what he wants," said Satine. She walked around the room, observing all the gents.

Commodus and Qui-Gon gave her funny looks and continued baking a cake together; Zidler and Toulouse played chess; Spider Man was flirting with Chickie; Legolas and Cactus Plant were engaged in a staring contest; Harry Potter was putting his wand back together with Scotch tape; Strider, Samwise, and Frodo were playing Monopoly. The real Ewan (just incase Satine would pick him) hid under Obi-Wan's robes, surprised to see Tara already there.

The only one who wasn't occupied was Gandalf, who had been watching her with a smooth look on his face.

Satine lifted a brow, slinking over. "Why hello there," she fawned, "That's a lovely hat you're wearing."

Gandalf rubbed the tip of his pointy wizard hat, all cavalier. "You should see my staff," he said seductively. He then made a rose appear out of nowhere and handed it to her, winking. Satine gasped and smiled, sitting in his lap and curling his beard with her silky fingers.

"Well," said Chickie with a yawn, "I think it's time we all get some sleep. It's been a rough day, so hopefully tomorrow we can sort things out. Your beds are all made up. Please no fighting for the bathroom in the morning. There are two of them, so take turns. Alright? Alright. Good night!" Spider Man lifted her in his arms, and they walked to bed.

After that, everyone slipped into their PJs, getting with their previously announced partners, although some changes had been made.

Qui-Gon and Commodus slipped into matching Teddy Bear pajamas; Commy's were pink, and Qui-Gon's were blue. They snuggled into bed, sleeping soundly.

Legolas, Harry Potter, and Cactus Plant got comfy, though Harry insisted the cactus sleep on the opposite end of the bed so he wouldn't get maimed during the night.

Obi-Wan Kenobi and Tara opted for nudity, dive-bombing the bed after wishing everyone a good night.

Ewan McGregor curled up into the potato sack he arrived in, stole a pillow from the couch, and made his bed. He spotted a shiny gold ring on the floor, and tucked it into his underwear, thinking nothing of it. He slept at once, figuring he'd wake up from this weird dream eventually.

Zidler and Toulouse slept with their bodies opposite eachother, a resounding smack being heard every so often through the night when Toulouse would mistake Zidler's crotch for a bottle of absinthe.

Samwise and Frodo wore matching robes to bed; Frodo's had a small italicized "His" printed near the shoulder, and Sam's said "Hers." They chatted a bit about their new predicament before drifting off into a pleasant sleep.

Strider slept by himself, strangling the pillows and soccer-punching the bed as he had all kinds of funky dreams involving Boromir, some orcs, and his future as King. Then later he had a dream about Arwen which I can't discuss out loud or I'd have to re-rate this story NC-17.

"Well," said Gandalf finally, "I suppose we can put off saving the world from mass destruction for tomorrow."

He and Satine flipped the covers over their heads, and that was THAT.