"You're Ruper--er.. Ron Weasley!" said Phoebe at once, shaking his hand roughly until they were both dizzy. "Pleasure to meet you!"
"Y-y-y-y-y-eeee-ssss," replied Ron, his arm jerking out of its socket. Tara cleared her throat loudly, giving Pheebs a sharp look. Phoebe continued to stare at Ron, eyes thoroughly glossed over with saucer-sized pupils. When still she wouldn't let go, Tara swiped Phoebe off her legs Matrix-style. Phoebe shook her head groggily, her eyes re-focusing as she scrambled back to her feet still goofily smiling at Ron, who was hiding behind Hermione's hair.
"Hermione Granger," said the girl at once, extending her hand so roughly Tara's shirt flew up over her shoulders as if in a harsh wind.
"Yes, we know," said Tara and Phoebe, taking turns shaking her hand, then having to massage their bloodless fingers.
"I know," Hermione replied briskly, "I just prefer a proper introduction."
"Here, here!" followed Merry and Pippin, running up to acquaint themselves.
"Merry and Pippin!" the girls exclaimed, embracing the hobbits, much to their surprise.
"So is it true?" asked Merry, Pippin at his heel in wide-eyed enthusiasm.
"Is what true?" asked Tara, keeping an eye on Phoebe as she experimentally pinched Ron's cheeks, making his face ten times as scarlet as usual.
"Are Gandalf and Frodo and all the others really here?!"
"Yes," replied Tara, baffled. "But how did you know?"
"We dun't know, really," replied Pippin. "It all happened so quickly. I say the queerest experience we've ever had!"
"Yes," chimed Merry, looking troubled. "One minute we were there with the Fellowship and all, and then... whoom! We're here, with these two!" He motioned to Hermione and Ron. Then the hobbit leaned in secretly and whispered, "Red is the best of fellows I've ever met, but the lass.. now there's a crooked one, eh."
Tara nodded, snickering. "Yes, we know all about her."
"Indeed," Pippin muttered under his breath like Merry. "Would not stop going on about some business of 'exams' and 'grades' and a tavern or somethin' called Hog Warts. It's the strangest thing," he said, looking adorably worried.
Tara stood upright, not all crouched and hobbit-sized, plopping her arms around the hobbits shoulders and walking between them as she said aloud, "Aw there's nothing to worry about. This has been an unusual experience for everyone, but you are in safe hands. Come, let's go and introduce you to the rest of the family, and get you hobbits back with your group."
They all began to walk to the camp, except for Phoebe, who was gently patting Ron on the head, eyes all gooey and soft. ("Mental, that one," Ron would whisper to Hermione concerning Phoebe.) Tara stepped hard on Phoebe's toe as she passed, and the girl finally snapped out of it. But before she took off, Phoebe noticed Christian moping quietly by a tree, meekly kicking up dirt.
"What's wrong sweets?" said Phoebe, scooping her arm around his and urging him to walk. He just stood stiffly, not moving, just all mopey and stuff.
"Why haven't you introduced me to any of your friends?" he asked in a quiet, betrayed voice.
"Well they've only just arrived," she said, trying to sound cheerful and avoiding another spat.
"I feel like I don't know you anymore," he said, his chin vaguely wobbling.
"Want to write a song together?" asked Phoebe completely besides-the-pointedly, looking adorably up into his eyes.
"Sure!!" he replied, sweeping her off her feet and racing through the trees.
"No, no!" yelped Phoebe, making Christian skid to a halt. "I really mean... *write* a *song* together!"
"Ohhh," said Christian, embarrassed.
"And also get to know my, uh, friends," she added quickly. Christian was joyous and excited and of course jealous, although he distinctly promised he wouldn't be. Then they made out for about ten minutes before rejoining the group.
"So is it true?" said Hermione, right on Tara's feet as they walked. "Is Harry really here? OUR Harry? Is this where he's gone off to?"
"Yes, yes," said Tara, trying to shoo her away. Eventually her foot tumbled into Tara's ankle, making Tara fall once again stomach-flat on the ground. Tara spat ferociously as she stood back up, aided by Pippin and Merry. "Now seriously! You've got your own feet, get off of mine!" she snapped at Hermione. Hermione apologized hastily. The incident was immediately followed by peals of manly laughter, which they knew belonged to Obi-Wan as he approached them.
"You fell again!" he wheezed, nearly doubled over. "Oh heavens, you will be the death of me yet, you clumsy little girl!"
There was a dead silence before Tara replied edgily, a sweat breaking over her brows, "Little. Girl?"
Obi-Wan wiped a tear away, then looked smugly down at her. "Yes! LITTLE. Giiiiirl."
Then out of nowhere came the sound of a screeching cat among banging trash cans as Obi-Wan and Tara launched into a WWF-type battle deep in the forest. (NO ONE CALLS TARA A LITTLE GIRL!) Phoebe drew the newcomers together, said, "Eh, we better leave them at it, this might take a while," and lead everyone safely to the tents.
Along the way, they crossed a boy and his broom sleeping soundly in a hammock made out of spiderwebs between two skinny trees. Hermione and Ron could barely control themselves at the sight of Harry, and at once they stormed up to him screaming excitedly: "HAAARRRYYY!!!!"
The boy's eyes shot open and he screamed quite girlishly as the spider-webbed bed flipped him around and around while he struggled to get up. When he finally stopped spinning, he was facing the ground, but still sticking to the upside-down bed. His glasses fell softly on the ground.
"Wicked!" said Ron, his eyes buldging. "I've got to try that!"
"RON?!" Harry squealed, though in his position he could hardly see anything. "Ron is that you!"
"Yes, Harry!" chirped Hermione. "And me!"
"Hermione! Wow, you guys are actually here! Amazing! Only.. I wish I could see you."
At once Hermione lifted her wand to aid him, and the hobbits flung themselves on the ground screaming, "Incoming!!"
She eyed them crossly. "It's just a WAND," she grumbled, and the hobbits slowly rose to their feet, all bashful. Then she pointed the wand at Harry, yelling, "Unstickyiculous!" and Harry detached from the hammock and landed on his belly, scooping his glasses back onto his face. And then of course there was a mushy little friendly reunion between himself and Ron and Hermione, complete with a brief recap of all that went on at Hogwarts while he was gone, until Harry paused to stare at Merry and Pippin (who were roughly trying to make a fire using Hermione's wand).
"Give it!" she screeched, yanking it out of Pip's hand.
"Ey!" said Pippin in disbelief, "that was a perfectly useful stick!"
"Stick? This is a WAND, and I'll show you just what it can do if you don't--"
"Blimey!" interrupted Harry, his eyes fixed on the hobbits. "They look just like Sam and Frodo!"
"Samwise Gamgee and Frodo Baggins? Indeed! We must see them at once!" said Merry, collecting the disgruntled Pip and bombarding Phoebe.
"Okay, okay," said Phoebe, hastily directing them toward Sam and Frodo's tent. "By the way," she continued, "Harry.. this is Pippin (Pip: "How do ya do, Master Harry!") and Merry (Merry: "Hallo Harry!")." Harry thanked them for the introduction, finding that he quite liked hobbits, even if one did previously kick his ass.
Phoebe ordered them all to wait outside as she stealthily poked in the tent to rouse Sam and Frodo. Frodo lay fast asleep, a sock securely stuffed into his mouth, and Sam sat up perkily, his head tilted as if he were listening intently to something.
Phoebe couldn't resist.
"CONFOUND IT ALL SAMWISE GAMGEE!" she boomed, scaring Samwise out of his trousers. "Have you been eavesdropping?!" She pounced, pinning him to the floor.
"I ain't been dropping no eaves, madam, honest, I was just cutting the snore out of Frodo, if you follow me."
"A bit late for trimming the hobbit?" Phoebe growled at him, incredulously.
"I heard raised voices!"
"What did you hear? SPEAK!" Phoebe showered the tent with spitlets.
"Baghh!! Nothing importan'....That is, I heard a good deal about a hog's wart, and a weasel, and something
about a hernia. Please don't hurt me, madam, don't make Gandalf turn me into anything ...unnatural..."
"No?" said Phoebe, in a distracted way. "Perhaps not. I've thought of a better use for you." Samwise looked at her fearfully, but she just stepped off of him and beamed. "Ahh, that was fun," she laughed wholesomely.
He glared at her like he glares when someone insults Frodo. "Um," she continued nervously, "good news, Sam! Pippin and Merry are here!"
"Pip and Merry!" Samwise threw himself beside Frodo, shaking him vigorously awake. Frodo coughed up the sock, staring around dreamily. "Wake up Mr. Frodo, our friends are here!"
Sam and Frodo struggled out of the tent and found the eagerly waiting Pippin and Merry. And then of course there was a mushy little friendly reunion between them and Merry and Pip, complete with a brief recap of all that went on in Middle-earth while they were gone.
Sometime after, Tara and Obi-Wan emerged from the deep forest to the center of the campsite, both looking like they went at it with a jackel. Tara (her clothes barely clinging to her skin, with smoke all around the various light-saber holes in her shirt) and Obi-Wan (large chunks of his voluptuous beard missing), approached Phoebe and Christian.
"We have decided," began Tara, looking completely strung out, but trying to keep the conversation secret, "that we need to call a Family meeting."
"Okay," said Phoebe, steadying Tara on her feet as she seemed about ready to collapse. "Bright and early, then. What is it about?"
"This is why we must talk now, just you and me," said Tara, one black eye closing. Phoebe eyed her friend mysteriously, dutifully dismissing Christian and Obi-Wan. Everyone else was ordered to return to their tents, where each stayed wide awake until the wee hours of the morning chatting excitedly. Except for Phoebe and Tara, who were having a very serious talk, interrupted occasionally by the resounding slapping noises of Phoebe's hand against Tara's face to keep her awake. Ewan was also awakened to join this conversation, as the three of them were the only real-life people with something very important and...er... real-life-ish to discuss.
The next morning came too damn quickly. All the members of the newly declared Family saw Chickie and Spidey off, as they went away on their vacation to Australia.
After the teary-eyed goodbyes and mass exchanges of hugs (Commodus took it upon himself to hug every single person, whether they were leaving or not, as the first step of his Anger Management goal), all the characters were gathered to the center of the forest, minus Zidler and Toulouse, who were still mysteriously absent.
"What's this all about?" yawned Aragorn, stretching in his pinstripe PJs. Gandalf stood behind him to comb his ruffled hair and Satine was behind Gandalf, combing out his hair, and Qui-Gon behind Satine, etc... all in an chain-effort to get that business of bed-head hair taken care of.
"Is it about the forest?" said Legolas excitedly, trying to untangle Hermione's fro. "I think we should stay here! To live as one with the trees and the earth!"
There was a ripple of excitement throughout the crowd, and many agreeable nods. Ewan, Phoebe, and Tara (who were at the center of the circle) beckoned them to be silent. Phoebe cleared her throat.
"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old, you have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor."
Silence. Gandalf twitched.
"We're here to discuss that very issue," she said, all Mr. Anderson-like. "Many of you have approached me and my assistant Tara about this, and--"
"Hey, why am I YOUR assistant?" Tara interrupted, arms crossed. Handprints could distinctly be seen all over her face.
"Oh alright," Phoebe replied with a sigh. "The point is, you guys have been talking about wanting to stay here permanently." She paused to glimspe all the eager faces. "And we have agreed that it is a very good idea."
The crowd cheered as one.
"BUT WAIT!" Ewan exclaimed, having grown increasingly more spastic since he came to own the Ring. "There is MORE! MORE I SAY!! MUCH MORE!! SO MUCH MORE THAT--"
"Ewan! I think that's enough," Phoebe said sternly, settling him down. His eyebrows bounced up and down, and his mouth hung open, but he said nothing. "What Ewan means is, there's going to be a new ruling here." She became ominous, pausing dramatically.
Everyone waited...
and waited...
And waited.
"For heaven's sake woman," grumbled Tara, shoving Phoebe out the way. "Here's the deal! This very morning, you're all going to be SORTED!"
There was a collective gasp and bodily freezing.
"Sorted!" blurted Hermione. "Like, like at Hogwarts?"
"Yes, something like that," said Phoebe, hastily reclaiming her position as Elrond. "Only it will be differnet. There are three houses into which you will all be separated and sorted. Three houses... which are the log cabins near the lake that will serve as your dormitories."
"But who is going to sort us?" asked Qui-Gon, his eyes narrowing mysteriously over Ewan. Ewan scratched with both hands at his head, a couple of fleas bouncing out of his reddish spikes.
"The sorting is done with a magic hat!" said Hermione, matter-of-factly.
"A hat??" exclaimed Pippin and Merry as one.
Gandalf blinked dumbly for a moment, before slipping his pointy wizard hat out of his pants and handing it to Phoebe. "This?" he said, confused.
"Nooooo," grumbled Phoebe in frustration. "We're not using a hat!" She threw the wrinkly old thing back, after Ewan used it to blow his nose.
"Well what then?" demanded Harry, everyone following his lead, spouting angry comments.
Phoebe snapped her fingers loudly, and Ewan disappeared for a moment. Everyone was quiet as he returned shortly with a stool, which he placed at the center of the crowd. Phoebe snapped her fingers again, and Tara retrieved a moldy peice of cloth from her bra. She placed the cloth on the seat.
Everyone stared blankly for many moments at the spectacle.
"Well?" grumbled Hermione impatiently.
"It works like this," began Phoebe. "You will all come up and sit in the stool and take the cloth and blow on it! The cloth will at once announce which house you belong in."
Half the crowd broke out into hysterical laughter, the other half horror-stricken.
"Ridiculous!"
"Stupendous!"
"Insane!"
"Unsanitary!"
"Spectacular, spectacular!"
Everyone stopped to look at Satine, who shrugged.
"Well," snapped Phoebe at the reactions, "It was either this, or the Sorting Toilet Paper!"
Everyone was at once quietly agreeable.
"But what is it?" said a small voice, who turned out to be Commodus.
"This," said Phoebe anxiously, "Is the Sorting Handkerchief."
"Y-y-y-y-y-eeee-ssss," replied Ron, his arm jerking out of its socket. Tara cleared her throat loudly, giving Pheebs a sharp look. Phoebe continued to stare at Ron, eyes thoroughly glossed over with saucer-sized pupils. When still she wouldn't let go, Tara swiped Phoebe off her legs Matrix-style. Phoebe shook her head groggily, her eyes re-focusing as she scrambled back to her feet still goofily smiling at Ron, who was hiding behind Hermione's hair.
"Hermione Granger," said the girl at once, extending her hand so roughly Tara's shirt flew up over her shoulders as if in a harsh wind.
"Yes, we know," said Tara and Phoebe, taking turns shaking her hand, then having to massage their bloodless fingers.
"I know," Hermione replied briskly, "I just prefer a proper introduction."
"Here, here!" followed Merry and Pippin, running up to acquaint themselves.
"Merry and Pippin!" the girls exclaimed, embracing the hobbits, much to their surprise.
"So is it true?" asked Merry, Pippin at his heel in wide-eyed enthusiasm.
"Is what true?" asked Tara, keeping an eye on Phoebe as she experimentally pinched Ron's cheeks, making his face ten times as scarlet as usual.
"Are Gandalf and Frodo and all the others really here?!"
"Yes," replied Tara, baffled. "But how did you know?"
"We dun't know, really," replied Pippin. "It all happened so quickly. I say the queerest experience we've ever had!"
"Yes," chimed Merry, looking troubled. "One minute we were there with the Fellowship and all, and then... whoom! We're here, with these two!" He motioned to Hermione and Ron. Then the hobbit leaned in secretly and whispered, "Red is the best of fellows I've ever met, but the lass.. now there's a crooked one, eh."
Tara nodded, snickering. "Yes, we know all about her."
"Indeed," Pippin muttered under his breath like Merry. "Would not stop going on about some business of 'exams' and 'grades' and a tavern or somethin' called Hog Warts. It's the strangest thing," he said, looking adorably worried.
Tara stood upright, not all crouched and hobbit-sized, plopping her arms around the hobbits shoulders and walking between them as she said aloud, "Aw there's nothing to worry about. This has been an unusual experience for everyone, but you are in safe hands. Come, let's go and introduce you to the rest of the family, and get you hobbits back with your group."
They all began to walk to the camp, except for Phoebe, who was gently patting Ron on the head, eyes all gooey and soft. ("Mental, that one," Ron would whisper to Hermione concerning Phoebe.) Tara stepped hard on Phoebe's toe as she passed, and the girl finally snapped out of it. But before she took off, Phoebe noticed Christian moping quietly by a tree, meekly kicking up dirt.
"What's wrong sweets?" said Phoebe, scooping her arm around his and urging him to walk. He just stood stiffly, not moving, just all mopey and stuff.
"Why haven't you introduced me to any of your friends?" he asked in a quiet, betrayed voice.
"Well they've only just arrived," she said, trying to sound cheerful and avoiding another spat.
"I feel like I don't know you anymore," he said, his chin vaguely wobbling.
"Want to write a song together?" asked Phoebe completely besides-the-pointedly, looking adorably up into his eyes.
"Sure!!" he replied, sweeping her off her feet and racing through the trees.
"No, no!" yelped Phoebe, making Christian skid to a halt. "I really mean... *write* a *song* together!"
"Ohhh," said Christian, embarrassed.
"And also get to know my, uh, friends," she added quickly. Christian was joyous and excited and of course jealous, although he distinctly promised he wouldn't be. Then they made out for about ten minutes before rejoining the group.
"So is it true?" said Hermione, right on Tara's feet as they walked. "Is Harry really here? OUR Harry? Is this where he's gone off to?"
"Yes, yes," said Tara, trying to shoo her away. Eventually her foot tumbled into Tara's ankle, making Tara fall once again stomach-flat on the ground. Tara spat ferociously as she stood back up, aided by Pippin and Merry. "Now seriously! You've got your own feet, get off of mine!" she snapped at Hermione. Hermione apologized hastily. The incident was immediately followed by peals of manly laughter, which they knew belonged to Obi-Wan as he approached them.
"You fell again!" he wheezed, nearly doubled over. "Oh heavens, you will be the death of me yet, you clumsy little girl!"
There was a dead silence before Tara replied edgily, a sweat breaking over her brows, "Little. Girl?"
Obi-Wan wiped a tear away, then looked smugly down at her. "Yes! LITTLE. Giiiiirl."
Then out of nowhere came the sound of a screeching cat among banging trash cans as Obi-Wan and Tara launched into a WWF-type battle deep in the forest. (NO ONE CALLS TARA A LITTLE GIRL!) Phoebe drew the newcomers together, said, "Eh, we better leave them at it, this might take a while," and lead everyone safely to the tents.
Along the way, they crossed a boy and his broom sleeping soundly in a hammock made out of spiderwebs between two skinny trees. Hermione and Ron could barely control themselves at the sight of Harry, and at once they stormed up to him screaming excitedly: "HAAARRRYYY!!!!"
The boy's eyes shot open and he screamed quite girlishly as the spider-webbed bed flipped him around and around while he struggled to get up. When he finally stopped spinning, he was facing the ground, but still sticking to the upside-down bed. His glasses fell softly on the ground.
"Wicked!" said Ron, his eyes buldging. "I've got to try that!"
"RON?!" Harry squealed, though in his position he could hardly see anything. "Ron is that you!"
"Yes, Harry!" chirped Hermione. "And me!"
"Hermione! Wow, you guys are actually here! Amazing! Only.. I wish I could see you."
At once Hermione lifted her wand to aid him, and the hobbits flung themselves on the ground screaming, "Incoming!!"
She eyed them crossly. "It's just a WAND," she grumbled, and the hobbits slowly rose to their feet, all bashful. Then she pointed the wand at Harry, yelling, "Unstickyiculous!" and Harry detached from the hammock and landed on his belly, scooping his glasses back onto his face. And then of course there was a mushy little friendly reunion between himself and Ron and Hermione, complete with a brief recap of all that went on at Hogwarts while he was gone, until Harry paused to stare at Merry and Pippin (who were roughly trying to make a fire using Hermione's wand).
"Give it!" she screeched, yanking it out of Pip's hand.
"Ey!" said Pippin in disbelief, "that was a perfectly useful stick!"
"Stick? This is a WAND, and I'll show you just what it can do if you don't--"
"Blimey!" interrupted Harry, his eyes fixed on the hobbits. "They look just like Sam and Frodo!"
"Samwise Gamgee and Frodo Baggins? Indeed! We must see them at once!" said Merry, collecting the disgruntled Pip and bombarding Phoebe.
"Okay, okay," said Phoebe, hastily directing them toward Sam and Frodo's tent. "By the way," she continued, "Harry.. this is Pippin (Pip: "How do ya do, Master Harry!") and Merry (Merry: "Hallo Harry!")." Harry thanked them for the introduction, finding that he quite liked hobbits, even if one did previously kick his ass.
Phoebe ordered them all to wait outside as she stealthily poked in the tent to rouse Sam and Frodo. Frodo lay fast asleep, a sock securely stuffed into his mouth, and Sam sat up perkily, his head tilted as if he were listening intently to something.
Phoebe couldn't resist.
"CONFOUND IT ALL SAMWISE GAMGEE!" she boomed, scaring Samwise out of his trousers. "Have you been eavesdropping?!" She pounced, pinning him to the floor.
"I ain't been dropping no eaves, madam, honest, I was just cutting the snore out of Frodo, if you follow me."
"A bit late for trimming the hobbit?" Phoebe growled at him, incredulously.
"I heard raised voices!"
"What did you hear? SPEAK!" Phoebe showered the tent with spitlets.
"Baghh!! Nothing importan'....That is, I heard a good deal about a hog's wart, and a weasel, and something
about a hernia. Please don't hurt me, madam, don't make Gandalf turn me into anything ...unnatural..."
"No?" said Phoebe, in a distracted way. "Perhaps not. I've thought of a better use for you." Samwise looked at her fearfully, but she just stepped off of him and beamed. "Ahh, that was fun," she laughed wholesomely.
He glared at her like he glares when someone insults Frodo. "Um," she continued nervously, "good news, Sam! Pippin and Merry are here!"
"Pip and Merry!" Samwise threw himself beside Frodo, shaking him vigorously awake. Frodo coughed up the sock, staring around dreamily. "Wake up Mr. Frodo, our friends are here!"
Sam and Frodo struggled out of the tent and found the eagerly waiting Pippin and Merry. And then of course there was a mushy little friendly reunion between them and Merry and Pip, complete with a brief recap of all that went on in Middle-earth while they were gone.
Sometime after, Tara and Obi-Wan emerged from the deep forest to the center of the campsite, both looking like they went at it with a jackel. Tara (her clothes barely clinging to her skin, with smoke all around the various light-saber holes in her shirt) and Obi-Wan (large chunks of his voluptuous beard missing), approached Phoebe and Christian.
"We have decided," began Tara, looking completely strung out, but trying to keep the conversation secret, "that we need to call a Family meeting."
"Okay," said Phoebe, steadying Tara on her feet as she seemed about ready to collapse. "Bright and early, then. What is it about?"
"This is why we must talk now, just you and me," said Tara, one black eye closing. Phoebe eyed her friend mysteriously, dutifully dismissing Christian and Obi-Wan. Everyone else was ordered to return to their tents, where each stayed wide awake until the wee hours of the morning chatting excitedly. Except for Phoebe and Tara, who were having a very serious talk, interrupted occasionally by the resounding slapping noises of Phoebe's hand against Tara's face to keep her awake. Ewan was also awakened to join this conversation, as the three of them were the only real-life people with something very important and...er... real-life-ish to discuss.
The next morning came too damn quickly. All the members of the newly declared Family saw Chickie and Spidey off, as they went away on their vacation to Australia.
After the teary-eyed goodbyes and mass exchanges of hugs (Commodus took it upon himself to hug every single person, whether they were leaving or not, as the first step of his Anger Management goal), all the characters were gathered to the center of the forest, minus Zidler and Toulouse, who were still mysteriously absent.
"What's this all about?" yawned Aragorn, stretching in his pinstripe PJs. Gandalf stood behind him to comb his ruffled hair and Satine was behind Gandalf, combing out his hair, and Qui-Gon behind Satine, etc... all in an chain-effort to get that business of bed-head hair taken care of.
"Is it about the forest?" said Legolas excitedly, trying to untangle Hermione's fro. "I think we should stay here! To live as one with the trees and the earth!"
There was a ripple of excitement throughout the crowd, and many agreeable nods. Ewan, Phoebe, and Tara (who were at the center of the circle) beckoned them to be silent. Phoebe cleared her throat.
"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old, you have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor."
Silence. Gandalf twitched.
"We're here to discuss that very issue," she said, all Mr. Anderson-like. "Many of you have approached me and my assistant Tara about this, and--"
"Hey, why am I YOUR assistant?" Tara interrupted, arms crossed. Handprints could distinctly be seen all over her face.
"Oh alright," Phoebe replied with a sigh. "The point is, you guys have been talking about wanting to stay here permanently." She paused to glimspe all the eager faces. "And we have agreed that it is a very good idea."
The crowd cheered as one.
"BUT WAIT!" Ewan exclaimed, having grown increasingly more spastic since he came to own the Ring. "There is MORE! MORE I SAY!! MUCH MORE!! SO MUCH MORE THAT--"
"Ewan! I think that's enough," Phoebe said sternly, settling him down. His eyebrows bounced up and down, and his mouth hung open, but he said nothing. "What Ewan means is, there's going to be a new ruling here." She became ominous, pausing dramatically.
Everyone waited...
and waited...
And waited.
"For heaven's sake woman," grumbled Tara, shoving Phoebe out the way. "Here's the deal! This very morning, you're all going to be SORTED!"
There was a collective gasp and bodily freezing.
"Sorted!" blurted Hermione. "Like, like at Hogwarts?"
"Yes, something like that," said Phoebe, hastily reclaiming her position as Elrond. "Only it will be differnet. There are three houses into which you will all be separated and sorted. Three houses... which are the log cabins near the lake that will serve as your dormitories."
"But who is going to sort us?" asked Qui-Gon, his eyes narrowing mysteriously over Ewan. Ewan scratched with both hands at his head, a couple of fleas bouncing out of his reddish spikes.
"The sorting is done with a magic hat!" said Hermione, matter-of-factly.
"A hat??" exclaimed Pippin and Merry as one.
Gandalf blinked dumbly for a moment, before slipping his pointy wizard hat out of his pants and handing it to Phoebe. "This?" he said, confused.
"Nooooo," grumbled Phoebe in frustration. "We're not using a hat!" She threw the wrinkly old thing back, after Ewan used it to blow his nose.
"Well what then?" demanded Harry, everyone following his lead, spouting angry comments.
Phoebe snapped her fingers loudly, and Ewan disappeared for a moment. Everyone was quiet as he returned shortly with a stool, which he placed at the center of the crowd. Phoebe snapped her fingers again, and Tara retrieved a moldy peice of cloth from her bra. She placed the cloth on the seat.
Everyone stared blankly for many moments at the spectacle.
"Well?" grumbled Hermione impatiently.
"It works like this," began Phoebe. "You will all come up and sit in the stool and take the cloth and blow on it! The cloth will at once announce which house you belong in."
Half the crowd broke out into hysterical laughter, the other half horror-stricken.
"Ridiculous!"
"Stupendous!"
"Insane!"
"Unsanitary!"
"Spectacular, spectacular!"
Everyone stopped to look at Satine, who shrugged.
"Well," snapped Phoebe at the reactions, "It was either this, or the Sorting Toilet Paper!"
Everyone was at once quietly agreeable.
"But what is it?" said a small voice, who turned out to be Commodus.
"This," said Phoebe anxiously, "Is the Sorting Handkerchief."