Simply put: life resumed. For days the girls and the movie-folk waited for
some sign, or flat-out explanation of what to do, but no more aliens came
out of the light to give directions. No more owls came bearing messages.
And then suddenly one day, Hermione had an idea. Wow.
"Ladies! I know what to do," she said excitedly one day to Phoebe and Tara who, for the first time in their lives, were playing a game of Wizard's Chess.
"You dirty skag," growled Tara when Phoebe's Bishop whacked the snot out of her Knight.
"Looks like I'm gonna win this one," said Phoebe triumphantly, eyes glued sadistically to the board.
"Hold on, what's that?" said Tara ominously, eyes also to the board. "Did you just ask me to kick your ass?"
Phoebe snorted.
Hermione bent to Tara's ear and coughed lowly to get her attention. Tara mistook her for an annoying buzzing insect and instinctively swat roughly with the back of her hand. Hermione fell down on her bum, clutching her face and grunting. The girls were absorbed in their game, so neither noticed Herm's delimma, much less looked up.
Hermione was in a fit when she scrambled to her feet, and slammed down on the chess board, knocking everyone out of their spots. Phoebe and Tara scrambled up with deer-in-headlights expressions on their faces.
"Why did--"
"How could!--"
"What--"
"I was winning!"
"No you weren't!"
"YOU DIRTY WITCH!" they howled together, tackling Hermione mercilessly.
"What's all this?!" Ron barked, he and Aragorn dashing to stop the fray.
Aragorn pried Tara's fists from Hermione's side, as Ron plucked a wildly kicking Phoebe from Hermione's head. Hermione lay with a grisly look on her face (which was smeared with dirt, her large teeth stuffed with twigs) and said weakly, "I was just going to say...
"Shh! Don't talk!" said Ron in a panic, grasping Phoebe around the waist as her legs went up over her head. "Try to relax! Don't panic!"
"Why can't she talk?" asked Aragorn, holding Tara back in that painful 'l'll break your arm if you try to escape' move. Tara, meanwhile, spent most of her time attempting to find Aragorn's kingly jewels and kick them in.
"Um, I don't know," said Ron sheepishly and he collapsed to the ground with Phoebe wriggling too wildly to hold. He lay on top of her, blushing furiously. At that precise moment, Christian came tumbling into the scene. When he caught Ron wedged suspiciously over Phoebe, his eyes narrowed to slits.
"Foul play!?" he spat.
"Oh, no!" said Phoebe desperately, tossing Ron aside and scrambling to her feet. "Teafect and I were just beating the life out of Hermione, that's all. And Ron and Aragorn were kind enough to stop us..."
"You expect me to believe that fully-clothed in the arms of another man in a FOREST, you were fighting with some chick!?"
"Um.. yes."
"Oh, okay. Cool."
As Christian took this moment to absorb this, Phoebe lunged again at Hermione. "I was winning!" she screeched psychotically, but both Christian and Ron intercepted, each gathering one of her arms. Phoebe stopped moving suddenly, smiling dreamily from one shoulder to the next at the fine young gents at her sides.
Tara might have shot her a somewhat jealous look and said something like 'clever witch,' but she was too busy harrassing Aragorn while no one was looking.
Besides, Hermione had that 'I'm going to kill you, Pheeblebrox, in this lifetime or the next!' look down pact on account of her intense jealousy of Ron and Phoebe's special relationship. (Mwahah, oh what a tangled web we weave.... anyway.)
"What happened?" demanded Christian.
"Well," began Phoebe, "Teafect was losing horribly at our first game of Wizard's Chess, and--"
"Losing? ME? Never!" boomed Tara.
"Oh please! You tried to use your thumb in place of the Queen!"
Tara huffed, but didn't say anything.
"Well anyway, this little gnat came and interrupted us, saying she had an idea to solve our miserable problem of getting you all back home and--"
"Wait, what?" interrupted Ron.
"I SAID--"
"No we heard you," said Christian curiously, "but let's hear what the girl has to say."
Hermione climbed to her feet and glared. Yanking a blade of grass from between her front teeth, she calmly, but spitefully said, "As I was saying. I figured out how we can get started." Everyone waited for her to brush the worms from her hair; some found themselves wondering if they'd been there prior to her hitting the ground. "We can send an owl."
"An owl?" asked Aragorn, who finally composed himself after Tara's merciless pinching and prodding assault on his buttocks.
"Yes," said Hermione with a superior air. "We can send a message via an owl. It's so simple.. don't know why I hadn't thought of it before."
"A message to WHOM?" yelled Phoebe impatiently.
"Well that's what I came here to figure out," snapped Hermione. "Who do you think could help us the most?"
"Gandalf!" exclaimed Tara excitedly.
Everyone glared.
"Gandalf is already here, swifty," grumbled Phoebe.
"Oh. Oh yeah. Well let's try...... YODA!"
"Bless you," said Ron.
"Thanks."
"What? No! We can't bother HIM!" said Phoebe, looking shocked at the suggestion. "This is OUR problem. We can't be bothering the wisest, possibly most helpful individual of all--that would be rude. Not to mention terribly smart, and involving an actual plot to our story."
"Um, right. Bad idea. Well... hmm. How about.."
"Owl?" interrupted Christian.
"What?"
"Did you say we're going to send an owl?" said Christian, as it just dawned on him.
"Yes! Owls are capable of safely delivering messages!" Hermione yelled. "A little behind in the game aren't we, garcon?" ('Garcon' was a nickname for Christian Hermione had taken up early on in an effort to tick Phoebe off.)
"Don't snap at my lover!" yelled Phoebe back at Hermione, who turned bright pink.
"Your LOVER!" she roared. "I thought RoOon was your boyfriend!"
Christian almost had a heart attack. "What? No!"
"I am?" said Ron, bewildered.
"No!" Phoebe glowered at Hermione. "Well, not yet anyway."
Aragorn, taking it upon himself to disturb this little spat, ahem-ed really loudly and said, "I think we should call a Family Meeting, and see what the majority has to say about the owl idea."
Everyone paused to dislodge themselves from the temptation of bitter outbursts and scathing comments, and agreed.
Once the meeting was called, everyone pitched in their two cents, some even daring to pitch in three cents, but were quickly snuffed. Finally, it was Commodus (of all people) who introduced what would be the final decision.
"Why don't we send it to...Maximus?" he said gruffly, as if it annoyed him, which it did.. very much. I mean, it REALLY annoyed him.
At first everyone laughed it off.
"What? Maximus is dead!" joked Harry.
"Yeah! What are we going to do, ask his dead body for directions to the nearest Jack-in-the-Box?" added Merry, thoroughly cracking himself up.
"No, wait," said Gandalf quickly. "The little tyke has a point."
"Little tyke?" muttered Commodus. "I'll remember that, old man."
"We don't actually know where his body is," continued Gandalf, ignoring Commodus. "So it could very well be within our reach, if he even IS truly dead."
Everyone paused thoughtfully.
"You know, the wizard has a point," admitted Obi-Wan.
"What! The -wizard-? It was My Idea," growled Commodus, his patience in this entire situation clearly running low.
"Okay then, someone get pen and paper and find a mail-delivering owl," said Phoebe hastily.
Qui-Gon observed Commodus' increasingly foul mood, and stuffed a couple of Prozac pills into a jelly donut, which he then gave to Commodus, who then ate it in one bite.
When pen and paper and an owl familiar with sending messages was found, a letter was transcribed by Christian from the pitching-ins of all:
'Dear Maximus Decimus Meridias, are you really dead? If not, please respond and tell us what happened to you. If so, please respond and tell us what happened to you. Thanks, the Family.'
Satisfied with the outcome, they wrapped it in an envelope that read 'To: The Spaniard; From: The Rest of the Movie and Book Characters Stuck on Present-Day Earth, Minus Commodus Who Still Hates You.'
Informing the owl (whose name was Hickory on account of Obi-Wan's favorite steak sauce) of where to go, the letter was soon on its way. They all watched Hickory until he could no longer be seen in the sky, then all sighed, and went back to doing whatever it is they do.
Two days later, a response finally came. Of course no one actually remembered that they had even sent the letter, except for Phoebe and Tara of course; they who carried the weight of the world on their shoulders. Or, at least, just this terrible story.
When Hickory returned, the girls were jumping their stress away on a large trampoline with Samwise, Frodo, Ron, and Ewan. Satine and Hermione sat on a picnic table not far from the others; Satine was busy setting Hermione's frazzled hair into corn rows.
"That'll teach it to stay down," Satine insisted, making Hermione look like a ghetto homie. While Satine was doing her hair, Hermione was reading aloud from her Potions book in an effort to teach Satine how to brew certain spells. She also talked a bit about her Potions teacher Severus Snape, who was made out to sound like Satan himself.
"Ooh, he sounds delightful," Satine agreed, obviously not listening to a thing Hermione was saying.
"Hey Ron, double-bounce me!" shouted Ewan gleefully from one end of the trampoline to the red-haired boy wobbling on the other.
"Alright then!" replied Ron, trying to stay on his feet. "Do you think you girls could help me out?" he asked shyly, meaning that they 'double-bounce' him first so he could REALLY bounce Ewan off the face of the earth with his landing.
"Sure!" they replied, and taking either side of Mr. Ron Weasley, the girls gathered speed jumping up and down with all their might at the same time, sending Ron flying feet into the air. Ron landed right next to Ewan (who was squatting eagerly), and he immediately flew so high into the sky he was momentarily forgotten.
"I think I'm gonna be sick," came Samwise's grim voice from the edge of the trampoline, where he was gripping the springs with white knuckles and hanging over sea-sickly.
"Come on, Sam, it'll be okay," encouraged Frodo, who sat beside him with his legs dangling between the springs, simply sitting peacefully on the outer bar, looking cute as ever Frodo has looked.
"Why don't you jump, Sam?" asked Phoebe, rolling over to his side.
"I've never been on one of these before," he replied, his cheeks puffing and his lips twisting in an effort to keep from throwing up.
"This is quite nice," said Frodo cheerfully, patting Samwise on the back. "I rather like this better than the Fun Jump. Tell me.. why are Men so infatuated with jumping?"
"I don't know," shrugged Phoebe. "Perhaps it's because Men enjoy the sensation of feeling like they can fly."
"Really?"
"No idea."
"Well that sounded convincing, anyway."
And at that moment Ewan finally came down, landing flat on his back on the surface of the trampoline and flying up again.. but not quite so high, and falling back down on his side, only to bounce again, and again, doing all sorts of flips, before finally the law of gravity claimed him.
He lay on his back, staring dreamily into the sky. Then something caught Tara's eye--a few feathers that sprinkled the area under which Ewan was laying.
"Ewan... are you molting?" she asked curiously, cartwheeling over to see what exactly was going on.
"Am I molting?" he repeated laughingly. "Maybe. There is a rather painful stabbing sensation in my back. I suppose I dislodged my spine going so high..."
"Or not," said Phoebe quickly, noticing a crinkled claw poking out from Ewan's side where a bird had obviously been smashed. "Ewan, get up!"
When the man finally got up, they could see Hickory the Owl all crunched up like an animal cookie, holding a small letter in his beak. Weakly, he sputtered the letter at them with a wheezy cough.
Ron ran down and scooped the owl up lovingly, reviving him while the girls examined the note.
"Hmm, I think it IS from Maximus," said Tara.
"It has to be," added Phoebe. "Who else would address their envelope 'To: The Family, Minus Commodus Who is Still a Whiney Sister-Porking Spoiled Brat Who Can't Fight'?"
"You're right. Well open it!"
When Phoebe tore it open, the letter was short and sweet:
'Yes, I died but I'm back in Gladiator. Your owl came when I was in the scene at the end of the movie; except everyone was freaking out because Commodus suddenly wasn't there anymore. Please bring him back so I can kill him and bleed to death, and set the world back in order. Thanks, M.'
Phoebe and Tara were mysteriously silent for a while, pondering this puzzle.
"So.." began Tara.
"So," interrupted Phoebe.
"SO then," continued Tara..
"You're right!" exclaimed Phoebe.
"What's going on?" asked Ron and Ewan, who were trying to comprehend the girls' twitching eyebrows and wiggling noses.
"We figured out how to get you all back to your movies!" they yelled anxiously.
"Oo! How's that?"
"It's actually so simple," said Phoebe in a flurry of excitement, "we just have to KILL YOU!"
At those last words, which weren't intended to sound quite so ominous, the forest went deadly quiet.
"But Pheeblebrox," said Tara in a small voice, "we can't just.. kill them all. That would be.. um.. weird. And.. depressing. But most importantly, it would make me feel bad."
Ron quietly backed away from the girls, whispering to Frodo and Sam, who then scrambled off of the trampoline and ran as far as possible at full speed.
Naturally the two hobbits and Ron spread the word about their new fate, and when a Family Meeting was called no one showed up. Tara, Ewan, and Phoebe searched the forest for just a single soul, and found nothing. Then they searched the Houses and it wasn't until the last one--The House of the Magic Markers--that they were found. When they entered, the lights were off and there wasn't so much as a peep to be heard. But when the lights came on, Phoebe and Tara screeched and jumped on Ewan--all the movie-folk were standing against the back wall, each holding a different weapon and staring fearfully toward the three in the doorway.
"Back away, you devils!" yelled Samwise feebly, waving a spatula heroically, and pausing every now and then to scratch his back with it.
Legolas stood on the edge holding his bow ready to strike, except Gandalf took away his arrows, so in place of them he had a set of crooked, unwound clothing hangers.
"We demand an explanation!" many said, waving their assorted weapons; some holding plastic knives, others holding candy corn.
"Wait," came a calm, delicious voice. "We will support you!"
Christian and Obi-Wan emerged from the crowd; Christian standing by Phoebe's side, Obi-Wan standing by Tara's, and Ewan already between them.
Phoebe and Tara looked at eachother with immense pride, now knowing how it feels to have three Ewans at the same time.
"Calm down, now, just stay calm," said Ewan soothingly to the angry bunch. "We don't know what's happening yet. I'm sure you've already read the letter from Maxi, but we don't really know what it means. We're not going to KILL you! Come on!"
Everyone looked suspicious, but some sighed in relief and tossed away their threatening yo-yo's and hairbrushes.
"What we need," said Tara, "is some sort of Test."
Everyone backed away again, except for Commodus who, holding Harry Potter by the ear, came into the middle of the room. He tossed Harry on the floor, and immediately Ron and Hermione came out to raise hell.
"What do you think you're doing!?" yelled Ron, pulling out his wand.
"YEAH! You can't treat Harry this way, you monster!" shrieked Hermione, doing the same.
Commodus snarled. "Oh, I won't hurt the child..."
Ron and Hermione just held their wands steady, eyeing him mistrustfully. Then before anybody could say "belgium," Commodus rammed a pitchfork through Harry's chest. There was a disturbing amount of chaos after that; some screaming bloody murder, some casting a jillion spells that bounced all over the room, and some playing the Xbox in the corner.
"COMMODUS!!?" roared Phoebe and Tara, as the life slowly left Harry Potter. Commodus laughed hysterically, his hand still gripping the boy's arm. And when Harry's eyes closed in a final farewell, both he and Commodus disappeared instantly.
Everyone was gasping, stunned into silence.
"But where did Commodus go?" Phoebe pounced around worriedly, storming over the room lifting pillows and furniture as if expecting to find him hiding. "He didn't die, he wasn't supposed to disappear too! What could've happened, Teafect?"
Tara looked pale as ever. She may have glowed in the dark. "You got me, Pheeblebrox. No clue."
"Well, Harry must have gone back to Hogwarts, naturally, but... Commy?"
"Maybe he went with him," said a familiar, gratingly snide voice that didn't belong to anyone present. Everyone stared around, unable to locate the source.
"Who's there?" asked everyone else.
A sour-faced man dressed in black suddenly appeared in the center of the room, holding a curious-looking cloak.
"That's Harry's Invisibility Cloak!" shrieked Ron.
"And that's.... Professor Snape!" gasped Hermione, her jaw hanging.
"Alan Rickman!" yelled Tara, getting no reaction.
"I have been following since you received the owl from Hogwarts," Snape said, savoring every shocked expression he received. "With the help of Mr. Potter's Cloak, I've been able to gather some pretty interesting information. When Dumbledore's three -favorite- students suddenly disappeared, I thought I might do a little detective work of my own." Everyone listened to him intently except for Phoebe, Tara, Ron, and Hermione, who looked horrified. "Then of course I got sucked into this horrible world myself while I was using the cloak. No idea how it happened, but never mind... you'd be surprised the secrets I have since found," he sneered. "The things I heard when you all thought no one was around!" Everyone gulped.
"Alan Rickman!" yelled Tara, again getting no reaction.
"What are you going to do?" asked Hermione, looking both threatened and irritated.
"Oh, Miss Granger. How lovely. I see you've finally done something with that rat's nest," he cackled to himself, addressing Hermione's corn-rowed hair.
Hermione flushed. "I.. I... a friend did it for me!"
Then Satine--said friend--emerged from the crowd, wearing her slinkiest possible outfit. Snape stiffened, his eyebrow lifting.
"Severus, is it?" Satine said sweetly, parking herself beside him. "I'm Satine.. pleasure." And she held out her hand for him to kiss it, but he just stood staring squarely at her.
"I know who you are, and I know who you've done," he remarked, ignoring her bewildered glare.
"Listen buck-o," grumbled Samwise, "if you've come here to start something, I think you should just leave!"
Snape hissed. "Mr. Gangrene--"
"Gamgee, greaseball."
"Whatever. I hardly think you are one to be telling ME what to do!"
"Oh yeah? What's THAT supposed to mean?" howled Phoebe, poking her chest out and balling up her fists angrily.
But before Snape could retort, all four hobbits had charged after him with spoons and bottle openers.
"You work for the Dark Lord!" shrieked Pippin, kicking Snape in the shins. "You won't get Frodo, you oily scab!"
The hobbits proceeded to sock him like beanbag, and Snape was too shocked to do or say anything to help himself, so he fell down and received punishment from the hefty little pointy-eared creatures who indeed, beat him to Death. Everyone just watched motionlessly, not bothering to help the guy. Christian, Obi-Wan, and Ewan shared a bag of roasted peanuts.
Then suddenly, Snape and all four hobbits disappeared.
"Um, Pheeblebrox?"
"Yes, Teafect?"
"What the hell is going on, man?"
"I do NOT know."
"'Maybe he went with them,'" said Ron weakly. "That's what Snape said. Maybe Commodus, and the little men, and Snape, maybe they are all at Hogwarts."
Tara and Phoebe looked at eachother strangely for a moment.
Then, they began to scream.
And then suddenly one day, Hermione had an idea. Wow.
"Ladies! I know what to do," she said excitedly one day to Phoebe and Tara who, for the first time in their lives, were playing a game of Wizard's Chess.
"You dirty skag," growled Tara when Phoebe's Bishop whacked the snot out of her Knight.
"Looks like I'm gonna win this one," said Phoebe triumphantly, eyes glued sadistically to the board.
"Hold on, what's that?" said Tara ominously, eyes also to the board. "Did you just ask me to kick your ass?"
Phoebe snorted.
Hermione bent to Tara's ear and coughed lowly to get her attention. Tara mistook her for an annoying buzzing insect and instinctively swat roughly with the back of her hand. Hermione fell down on her bum, clutching her face and grunting. The girls were absorbed in their game, so neither noticed Herm's delimma, much less looked up.
Hermione was in a fit when she scrambled to her feet, and slammed down on the chess board, knocking everyone out of their spots. Phoebe and Tara scrambled up with deer-in-headlights expressions on their faces.
"Why did--"
"How could!--"
"What--"
"I was winning!"
"No you weren't!"
"YOU DIRTY WITCH!" they howled together, tackling Hermione mercilessly.
"What's all this?!" Ron barked, he and Aragorn dashing to stop the fray.
Aragorn pried Tara's fists from Hermione's side, as Ron plucked a wildly kicking Phoebe from Hermione's head. Hermione lay with a grisly look on her face (which was smeared with dirt, her large teeth stuffed with twigs) and said weakly, "I was just going to say...
"Shh! Don't talk!" said Ron in a panic, grasping Phoebe around the waist as her legs went up over her head. "Try to relax! Don't panic!"
"Why can't she talk?" asked Aragorn, holding Tara back in that painful 'l'll break your arm if you try to escape' move. Tara, meanwhile, spent most of her time attempting to find Aragorn's kingly jewels and kick them in.
"Um, I don't know," said Ron sheepishly and he collapsed to the ground with Phoebe wriggling too wildly to hold. He lay on top of her, blushing furiously. At that precise moment, Christian came tumbling into the scene. When he caught Ron wedged suspiciously over Phoebe, his eyes narrowed to slits.
"Foul play!?" he spat.
"Oh, no!" said Phoebe desperately, tossing Ron aside and scrambling to her feet. "Teafect and I were just beating the life out of Hermione, that's all. And Ron and Aragorn were kind enough to stop us..."
"You expect me to believe that fully-clothed in the arms of another man in a FOREST, you were fighting with some chick!?"
"Um.. yes."
"Oh, okay. Cool."
As Christian took this moment to absorb this, Phoebe lunged again at Hermione. "I was winning!" she screeched psychotically, but both Christian and Ron intercepted, each gathering one of her arms. Phoebe stopped moving suddenly, smiling dreamily from one shoulder to the next at the fine young gents at her sides.
Tara might have shot her a somewhat jealous look and said something like 'clever witch,' but she was too busy harrassing Aragorn while no one was looking.
Besides, Hermione had that 'I'm going to kill you, Pheeblebrox, in this lifetime or the next!' look down pact on account of her intense jealousy of Ron and Phoebe's special relationship. (Mwahah, oh what a tangled web we weave.... anyway.)
"What happened?" demanded Christian.
"Well," began Phoebe, "Teafect was losing horribly at our first game of Wizard's Chess, and--"
"Losing? ME? Never!" boomed Tara.
"Oh please! You tried to use your thumb in place of the Queen!"
Tara huffed, but didn't say anything.
"Well anyway, this little gnat came and interrupted us, saying she had an idea to solve our miserable problem of getting you all back home and--"
"Wait, what?" interrupted Ron.
"I SAID--"
"No we heard you," said Christian curiously, "but let's hear what the girl has to say."
Hermione climbed to her feet and glared. Yanking a blade of grass from between her front teeth, she calmly, but spitefully said, "As I was saying. I figured out how we can get started." Everyone waited for her to brush the worms from her hair; some found themselves wondering if they'd been there prior to her hitting the ground. "We can send an owl."
"An owl?" asked Aragorn, who finally composed himself after Tara's merciless pinching and prodding assault on his buttocks.
"Yes," said Hermione with a superior air. "We can send a message via an owl. It's so simple.. don't know why I hadn't thought of it before."
"A message to WHOM?" yelled Phoebe impatiently.
"Well that's what I came here to figure out," snapped Hermione. "Who do you think could help us the most?"
"Gandalf!" exclaimed Tara excitedly.
Everyone glared.
"Gandalf is already here, swifty," grumbled Phoebe.
"Oh. Oh yeah. Well let's try...... YODA!"
"Bless you," said Ron.
"Thanks."
"What? No! We can't bother HIM!" said Phoebe, looking shocked at the suggestion. "This is OUR problem. We can't be bothering the wisest, possibly most helpful individual of all--that would be rude. Not to mention terribly smart, and involving an actual plot to our story."
"Um, right. Bad idea. Well... hmm. How about.."
"Owl?" interrupted Christian.
"What?"
"Did you say we're going to send an owl?" said Christian, as it just dawned on him.
"Yes! Owls are capable of safely delivering messages!" Hermione yelled. "A little behind in the game aren't we, garcon?" ('Garcon' was a nickname for Christian Hermione had taken up early on in an effort to tick Phoebe off.)
"Don't snap at my lover!" yelled Phoebe back at Hermione, who turned bright pink.
"Your LOVER!" she roared. "I thought RoOon was your boyfriend!"
Christian almost had a heart attack. "What? No!"
"I am?" said Ron, bewildered.
"No!" Phoebe glowered at Hermione. "Well, not yet anyway."
Aragorn, taking it upon himself to disturb this little spat, ahem-ed really loudly and said, "I think we should call a Family Meeting, and see what the majority has to say about the owl idea."
Everyone paused to dislodge themselves from the temptation of bitter outbursts and scathing comments, and agreed.
Once the meeting was called, everyone pitched in their two cents, some even daring to pitch in three cents, but were quickly snuffed. Finally, it was Commodus (of all people) who introduced what would be the final decision.
"Why don't we send it to...Maximus?" he said gruffly, as if it annoyed him, which it did.. very much. I mean, it REALLY annoyed him.
At first everyone laughed it off.
"What? Maximus is dead!" joked Harry.
"Yeah! What are we going to do, ask his dead body for directions to the nearest Jack-in-the-Box?" added Merry, thoroughly cracking himself up.
"No, wait," said Gandalf quickly. "The little tyke has a point."
"Little tyke?" muttered Commodus. "I'll remember that, old man."
"We don't actually know where his body is," continued Gandalf, ignoring Commodus. "So it could very well be within our reach, if he even IS truly dead."
Everyone paused thoughtfully.
"You know, the wizard has a point," admitted Obi-Wan.
"What! The -wizard-? It was My Idea," growled Commodus, his patience in this entire situation clearly running low.
"Okay then, someone get pen and paper and find a mail-delivering owl," said Phoebe hastily.
Qui-Gon observed Commodus' increasingly foul mood, and stuffed a couple of Prozac pills into a jelly donut, which he then gave to Commodus, who then ate it in one bite.
When pen and paper and an owl familiar with sending messages was found, a letter was transcribed by Christian from the pitching-ins of all:
'Dear Maximus Decimus Meridias, are you really dead? If not, please respond and tell us what happened to you. If so, please respond and tell us what happened to you. Thanks, the Family.'
Satisfied with the outcome, they wrapped it in an envelope that read 'To: The Spaniard; From: The Rest of the Movie and Book Characters Stuck on Present-Day Earth, Minus Commodus Who Still Hates You.'
Informing the owl (whose name was Hickory on account of Obi-Wan's favorite steak sauce) of where to go, the letter was soon on its way. They all watched Hickory until he could no longer be seen in the sky, then all sighed, and went back to doing whatever it is they do.
Two days later, a response finally came. Of course no one actually remembered that they had even sent the letter, except for Phoebe and Tara of course; they who carried the weight of the world on their shoulders. Or, at least, just this terrible story.
When Hickory returned, the girls were jumping their stress away on a large trampoline with Samwise, Frodo, Ron, and Ewan. Satine and Hermione sat on a picnic table not far from the others; Satine was busy setting Hermione's frazzled hair into corn rows.
"That'll teach it to stay down," Satine insisted, making Hermione look like a ghetto homie. While Satine was doing her hair, Hermione was reading aloud from her Potions book in an effort to teach Satine how to brew certain spells. She also talked a bit about her Potions teacher Severus Snape, who was made out to sound like Satan himself.
"Ooh, he sounds delightful," Satine agreed, obviously not listening to a thing Hermione was saying.
"Hey Ron, double-bounce me!" shouted Ewan gleefully from one end of the trampoline to the red-haired boy wobbling on the other.
"Alright then!" replied Ron, trying to stay on his feet. "Do you think you girls could help me out?" he asked shyly, meaning that they 'double-bounce' him first so he could REALLY bounce Ewan off the face of the earth with his landing.
"Sure!" they replied, and taking either side of Mr. Ron Weasley, the girls gathered speed jumping up and down with all their might at the same time, sending Ron flying feet into the air. Ron landed right next to Ewan (who was squatting eagerly), and he immediately flew so high into the sky he was momentarily forgotten.
"I think I'm gonna be sick," came Samwise's grim voice from the edge of the trampoline, where he was gripping the springs with white knuckles and hanging over sea-sickly.
"Come on, Sam, it'll be okay," encouraged Frodo, who sat beside him with his legs dangling between the springs, simply sitting peacefully on the outer bar, looking cute as ever Frodo has looked.
"Why don't you jump, Sam?" asked Phoebe, rolling over to his side.
"I've never been on one of these before," he replied, his cheeks puffing and his lips twisting in an effort to keep from throwing up.
"This is quite nice," said Frodo cheerfully, patting Samwise on the back. "I rather like this better than the Fun Jump. Tell me.. why are Men so infatuated with jumping?"
"I don't know," shrugged Phoebe. "Perhaps it's because Men enjoy the sensation of feeling like they can fly."
"Really?"
"No idea."
"Well that sounded convincing, anyway."
And at that moment Ewan finally came down, landing flat on his back on the surface of the trampoline and flying up again.. but not quite so high, and falling back down on his side, only to bounce again, and again, doing all sorts of flips, before finally the law of gravity claimed him.
He lay on his back, staring dreamily into the sky. Then something caught Tara's eye--a few feathers that sprinkled the area under which Ewan was laying.
"Ewan... are you molting?" she asked curiously, cartwheeling over to see what exactly was going on.
"Am I molting?" he repeated laughingly. "Maybe. There is a rather painful stabbing sensation in my back. I suppose I dislodged my spine going so high..."
"Or not," said Phoebe quickly, noticing a crinkled claw poking out from Ewan's side where a bird had obviously been smashed. "Ewan, get up!"
When the man finally got up, they could see Hickory the Owl all crunched up like an animal cookie, holding a small letter in his beak. Weakly, he sputtered the letter at them with a wheezy cough.
Ron ran down and scooped the owl up lovingly, reviving him while the girls examined the note.
"Hmm, I think it IS from Maximus," said Tara.
"It has to be," added Phoebe. "Who else would address their envelope 'To: The Family, Minus Commodus Who is Still a Whiney Sister-Porking Spoiled Brat Who Can't Fight'?"
"You're right. Well open it!"
When Phoebe tore it open, the letter was short and sweet:
'Yes, I died but I'm back in Gladiator. Your owl came when I was in the scene at the end of the movie; except everyone was freaking out because Commodus suddenly wasn't there anymore. Please bring him back so I can kill him and bleed to death, and set the world back in order. Thanks, M.'
Phoebe and Tara were mysteriously silent for a while, pondering this puzzle.
"So.." began Tara.
"So," interrupted Phoebe.
"SO then," continued Tara..
"You're right!" exclaimed Phoebe.
"What's going on?" asked Ron and Ewan, who were trying to comprehend the girls' twitching eyebrows and wiggling noses.
"We figured out how to get you all back to your movies!" they yelled anxiously.
"Oo! How's that?"
"It's actually so simple," said Phoebe in a flurry of excitement, "we just have to KILL YOU!"
At those last words, which weren't intended to sound quite so ominous, the forest went deadly quiet.
"But Pheeblebrox," said Tara in a small voice, "we can't just.. kill them all. That would be.. um.. weird. And.. depressing. But most importantly, it would make me feel bad."
Ron quietly backed away from the girls, whispering to Frodo and Sam, who then scrambled off of the trampoline and ran as far as possible at full speed.
Naturally the two hobbits and Ron spread the word about their new fate, and when a Family Meeting was called no one showed up. Tara, Ewan, and Phoebe searched the forest for just a single soul, and found nothing. Then they searched the Houses and it wasn't until the last one--The House of the Magic Markers--that they were found. When they entered, the lights were off and there wasn't so much as a peep to be heard. But when the lights came on, Phoebe and Tara screeched and jumped on Ewan--all the movie-folk were standing against the back wall, each holding a different weapon and staring fearfully toward the three in the doorway.
"Back away, you devils!" yelled Samwise feebly, waving a spatula heroically, and pausing every now and then to scratch his back with it.
Legolas stood on the edge holding his bow ready to strike, except Gandalf took away his arrows, so in place of them he had a set of crooked, unwound clothing hangers.
"We demand an explanation!" many said, waving their assorted weapons; some holding plastic knives, others holding candy corn.
"Wait," came a calm, delicious voice. "We will support you!"
Christian and Obi-Wan emerged from the crowd; Christian standing by Phoebe's side, Obi-Wan standing by Tara's, and Ewan already between them.
Phoebe and Tara looked at eachother with immense pride, now knowing how it feels to have three Ewans at the same time.
"Calm down, now, just stay calm," said Ewan soothingly to the angry bunch. "We don't know what's happening yet. I'm sure you've already read the letter from Maxi, but we don't really know what it means. We're not going to KILL you! Come on!"
Everyone looked suspicious, but some sighed in relief and tossed away their threatening yo-yo's and hairbrushes.
"What we need," said Tara, "is some sort of Test."
Everyone backed away again, except for Commodus who, holding Harry Potter by the ear, came into the middle of the room. He tossed Harry on the floor, and immediately Ron and Hermione came out to raise hell.
"What do you think you're doing!?" yelled Ron, pulling out his wand.
"YEAH! You can't treat Harry this way, you monster!" shrieked Hermione, doing the same.
Commodus snarled. "Oh, I won't hurt the child..."
Ron and Hermione just held their wands steady, eyeing him mistrustfully. Then before anybody could say "belgium," Commodus rammed a pitchfork through Harry's chest. There was a disturbing amount of chaos after that; some screaming bloody murder, some casting a jillion spells that bounced all over the room, and some playing the Xbox in the corner.
"COMMODUS!!?" roared Phoebe and Tara, as the life slowly left Harry Potter. Commodus laughed hysterically, his hand still gripping the boy's arm. And when Harry's eyes closed in a final farewell, both he and Commodus disappeared instantly.
Everyone was gasping, stunned into silence.
"But where did Commodus go?" Phoebe pounced around worriedly, storming over the room lifting pillows and furniture as if expecting to find him hiding. "He didn't die, he wasn't supposed to disappear too! What could've happened, Teafect?"
Tara looked pale as ever. She may have glowed in the dark. "You got me, Pheeblebrox. No clue."
"Well, Harry must have gone back to Hogwarts, naturally, but... Commy?"
"Maybe he went with him," said a familiar, gratingly snide voice that didn't belong to anyone present. Everyone stared around, unable to locate the source.
"Who's there?" asked everyone else.
A sour-faced man dressed in black suddenly appeared in the center of the room, holding a curious-looking cloak.
"That's Harry's Invisibility Cloak!" shrieked Ron.
"And that's.... Professor Snape!" gasped Hermione, her jaw hanging.
"Alan Rickman!" yelled Tara, getting no reaction.
"I have been following since you received the owl from Hogwarts," Snape said, savoring every shocked expression he received. "With the help of Mr. Potter's Cloak, I've been able to gather some pretty interesting information. When Dumbledore's three -favorite- students suddenly disappeared, I thought I might do a little detective work of my own." Everyone listened to him intently except for Phoebe, Tara, Ron, and Hermione, who looked horrified. "Then of course I got sucked into this horrible world myself while I was using the cloak. No idea how it happened, but never mind... you'd be surprised the secrets I have since found," he sneered. "The things I heard when you all thought no one was around!" Everyone gulped.
"Alan Rickman!" yelled Tara, again getting no reaction.
"What are you going to do?" asked Hermione, looking both threatened and irritated.
"Oh, Miss Granger. How lovely. I see you've finally done something with that rat's nest," he cackled to himself, addressing Hermione's corn-rowed hair.
Hermione flushed. "I.. I... a friend did it for me!"
Then Satine--said friend--emerged from the crowd, wearing her slinkiest possible outfit. Snape stiffened, his eyebrow lifting.
"Severus, is it?" Satine said sweetly, parking herself beside him. "I'm Satine.. pleasure." And she held out her hand for him to kiss it, but he just stood staring squarely at her.
"I know who you are, and I know who you've done," he remarked, ignoring her bewildered glare.
"Listen buck-o," grumbled Samwise, "if you've come here to start something, I think you should just leave!"
Snape hissed. "Mr. Gangrene--"
"Gamgee, greaseball."
"Whatever. I hardly think you are one to be telling ME what to do!"
"Oh yeah? What's THAT supposed to mean?" howled Phoebe, poking her chest out and balling up her fists angrily.
But before Snape could retort, all four hobbits had charged after him with spoons and bottle openers.
"You work for the Dark Lord!" shrieked Pippin, kicking Snape in the shins. "You won't get Frodo, you oily scab!"
The hobbits proceeded to sock him like beanbag, and Snape was too shocked to do or say anything to help himself, so he fell down and received punishment from the hefty little pointy-eared creatures who indeed, beat him to Death. Everyone just watched motionlessly, not bothering to help the guy. Christian, Obi-Wan, and Ewan shared a bag of roasted peanuts.
Then suddenly, Snape and all four hobbits disappeared.
"Um, Pheeblebrox?"
"Yes, Teafect?"
"What the hell is going on, man?"
"I do NOT know."
"'Maybe he went with them,'" said Ron weakly. "That's what Snape said. Maybe Commodus, and the little men, and Snape, maybe they are all at Hogwarts."
Tara and Phoebe looked at eachother strangely for a moment.
Then, they began to scream.