I lay on my bed, not thinking, not seeing. I try not to care, but the
weight on my chest and the fire in my stomach tell me that I am failing
miserably.
The entire walk home from the fair was filled with my mother's usual witty observations and amusing anecdotes. I didn't hear a word she said. She is so happy to have me back, that I'm not sure she noticed our disconnect.
"Rory?" she calls softly from the door of my bedroom. "What's the matter?"
OK. She noticed.
I shake my head, too broken to talk.
"Rory, you haven't managed to string together two words since we went into town. What's going on?"
"Nothing," I manage.
"Ah, see. That was only one word. Heh, heh. . . ." She's trying.
"Sorry," I respond. I'm not trying.
"Look, Rory." Why is she being gentle? She should be horribly mean. Because I've been horribly confusing. "You've been gone all summer. And you had quite an experience while you were away. So it's completely natural that you'd need a little time to readjust to Stars Hollow. To get used to being back here with me, and - "
"I kissed Jess."
Nothing.
"At Sookie's wedding. Before the wedding, actually. I grabbed him and kissed him."
Silence.
"And today he was there - " I stop, unwilling to describe the scene that greeted me today at the fair. I don't need to describe it. My head is filled with it. God, I'm numb.
" - with Shane," my mother finishes for me.
I turn to her for the first time, my face blank. "Is that her name?"
My mother nods wordlessly and clutches the doorframe tighter. "It's better this way, Rory. I know that Jess seems exciting and rebellious, but Shane is better for him. More his. . . ."
"His type?"
She hesitates because that doesn't sound very politically correct. But her fear of Jess being anywhere within a 10-mile radius of me pushes her forward. "Yes. More his type."
I look at her curiously, from a great distance away. I wonder how we went from two bodies that shared one brain to this - a daughter trying to live her life and a mother terrified of a bad-boy full of sperm. When did this happen? When did we become. . . typical?
She's nervous under my gaze.
"What?" she asks.
I shake my head again.
She shifts tactics. "What about Dean?"
Ah, yes. Dean. Her trump card when it comes to encouraging me to stay away from Jess.
"I don't know," I reply honestly. "I don't know about Dean."
"Rory, tell me what's happening."
"I did, mom."
She's upset. I'm not confiding and trusting and opening everything up so that she can peek inside of me and clean me up. I've done that all my life. But in one moment, I have no idea how to do that anymore.
"I'm going for a walk." I slip my feet into my sneakers and slide past her as she stands in the doorway. I don't touch her as I pass.
The entire walk home from the fair was filled with my mother's usual witty observations and amusing anecdotes. I didn't hear a word she said. She is so happy to have me back, that I'm not sure she noticed our disconnect.
"Rory?" she calls softly from the door of my bedroom. "What's the matter?"
OK. She noticed.
I shake my head, too broken to talk.
"Rory, you haven't managed to string together two words since we went into town. What's going on?"
"Nothing," I manage.
"Ah, see. That was only one word. Heh, heh. . . ." She's trying.
"Sorry," I respond. I'm not trying.
"Look, Rory." Why is she being gentle? She should be horribly mean. Because I've been horribly confusing. "You've been gone all summer. And you had quite an experience while you were away. So it's completely natural that you'd need a little time to readjust to Stars Hollow. To get used to being back here with me, and - "
"I kissed Jess."
Nothing.
"At Sookie's wedding. Before the wedding, actually. I grabbed him and kissed him."
Silence.
"And today he was there - " I stop, unwilling to describe the scene that greeted me today at the fair. I don't need to describe it. My head is filled with it. God, I'm numb.
" - with Shane," my mother finishes for me.
I turn to her for the first time, my face blank. "Is that her name?"
My mother nods wordlessly and clutches the doorframe tighter. "It's better this way, Rory. I know that Jess seems exciting and rebellious, but Shane is better for him. More his. . . ."
"His type?"
She hesitates because that doesn't sound very politically correct. But her fear of Jess being anywhere within a 10-mile radius of me pushes her forward. "Yes. More his type."
I look at her curiously, from a great distance away. I wonder how we went from two bodies that shared one brain to this - a daughter trying to live her life and a mother terrified of a bad-boy full of sperm. When did this happen? When did we become. . . typical?
She's nervous under my gaze.
"What?" she asks.
I shake my head again.
She shifts tactics. "What about Dean?"
Ah, yes. Dean. Her trump card when it comes to encouraging me to stay away from Jess.
"I don't know," I reply honestly. "I don't know about Dean."
"Rory, tell me what's happening."
"I did, mom."
She's upset. I'm not confiding and trusting and opening everything up so that she can peek inside of me and clean me up. I've done that all my life. But in one moment, I have no idea how to do that anymore.
"I'm going for a walk." I slip my feet into my sneakers and slide past her as she stands in the doorway. I don't touch her as I pass.