Chapter 6: Chaos in the Classroom
It was midnight. In the boys' dormitory, two boys lay awake while the other two slept soundly. The marauders present (and awake) were busy sorting out the ingredients they needed to make a potion.
"We still don't have the skunk stink," James observed. A clear bubble-like thing surrounded his whole head, protecting him from the stenches of the ingredients.
"Yeah, and that's the key ingredient and the most potent of all," Remus reminded. He had performed a spell that would prevent him from smelling the pungent odors coming from the things laid out on the floor.
James inspected a clear jar full of rafflesia petals. One of his relatives who was vacationing in Malaysia had sent it to him last Monday when he had requested it. The flower was so large that his uncle had to dump a gallon of Shrinking Solution on just one flower. The smell was unbearable, like rotting animal flesh mixed with socks that had been worn for a whole year without being taken off and a bunch of other reeking things. (You get the point.)
Fortunately, all they needed of it was six shrunken petals, each about two inches wide. In that form, they wouldn't be knocked out by the overwhelming fetor of the flower.
"Come on, Rem, let's just open it this once," James pleaded.
Remus shook his head. "No way. Even though we wouldn't be able to smell it, the odor would be so strong that the whole of Gryffindor Tower would be awake or otherwise having very unpleasant (or stinky) nightmares," he confirmed.
James scowled. "Oh, all right. But we really need something called gluckreed, whatever that is. It's the only other thing we don't have on the list aside from the skunk stuff and a bit of diadem flower root."
Remus's eyebrows shot up. "Diadem? Isn't that a crown-shaped plant that gives off a sweet smell?" he asked, confused.
James nodded. "Yeah, it is. It has a magical effect though when you stew the roots in boiled water. Then when you put the solution into any liquid, the smell would be a lot stronger. Unless, of course, if it was odorless, in which case it wouldn't enhance the non-smell," he explained.
"Wow. I didn't know you were that good in Herbology," Remus remarked.
James held up his hands. "Hey. I read too, you know. Not only Lily the bookworm can do stuff like that."
"You mean, become a nerd?" Remus asked with a smile.
James threw his pillow at him. "No, you dumbbell, read up things. Research and--"
The door flew open and Sirius came in, his wand in his hand and looking far happier than he would have if he had just gone from a detention for McGonagall. Then his nose scrunched up and he coughed. "Phee-ew! What the hell is that supposed to be?!"
"Calm yourself, Sirius, that's the gist of luvium that assaulted your nostrils," James said with a sardonic grin.
"I'm thankful that my nostrils aren't anywhere near as big as Snape's, then," Sirius commented as he plopped down next to him. "Nice look, by the way. Very NASA."
James scowled. "If you've been sorting through all these stuff for the past hour too, you would've rather had a bubble over your head than smelling these foul ingredients. I've got half a mind--"
"And that's the truth," Sirius interrupted. James glared but continued.
"--to uncover this jar and let you have a sample of Malaysia's largest flower in the world," he threatened, shaking the jar of rafflesia petals in front of Sirius's nose.
Sirius smirked and pointed at the jar. "That? The biggest flower in the world?" He cracked up.
"James, don't--!" Remus started, but too late.
James magically took off the cap and a smell, a most horrible smell that overcame the whole dormitory, slipped under the slits of the doors and outside.
"Shut it! Shut it quick!" Remus cried, tackling James and wrenching the jar out of his grasp. It was only in time, though, that the trio could shove the lot under the nearest bed, perform Undetectable spells, dive into bed and pull down the hangings, and pretend to fall asleep. As if on cue, right after Sirius had whipped down the red hangings tied to the posts of his bed like curtains, Professor McGonagall appeared in the doorway, the door bursting magically open. All three, faking deep breathing that indicated their 'slumber,' watched with their eyes nearly shut, but not quite.
As they spied the doorway, they noticed that Ridgewood was standing right behind their Head of House, and following close behind, Dumbledore. James had no idea that rafflesia molecules could travel that fast.
"They're faking it, Professor McGonagall, you know they are," Ridgewood said, almost delightedly. "I suggest that we march them right out of bed this very minute--"
"We cannot prove it yet," Professor McGonagall replied crisply. "Potter? Black? Are you two awake?" Sirius gritted his teeth as she said his name. Why was it always, always him that his teachers always suspected first? And why didn't McGonagall call Remus's name?
With no replies (who would, if you were in the same situation?), Professor McGonagall said, "Well then, that's that. Peeves must have dropped an exceptionally large bomb of his somewhere around. Everybody knows he likes coming to the Gryffindor Tower…."
"Minerva, that theory is absurd! I suppose they have put Undetectable spells all over this room and outside," Ridgewood said. He didn't look remotely elated now, but angry and impatient.
"What utter nonsense, Tiernan! Fourth years certainly can't execute such difficult spells! Even seventh years haven't been taught those of most arduous levels!" James and Sirius stifled sniggers at the name 'Tiernan.' For three years in the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, they had never known Ridgewood's first name.
Ridgewood was seething. "You said it yourself, Minerva! Haven't you been saying that they were simply brilliant and could surpass half the graduates of this school? If so, then they must be very profound to perform several Undetectable spells in less than a minute! Certainly not profound enough to actually keep discipline in their minds, but enough to conjure all sorts of mischief!" He was quite out of breath after he finished his little speech.
Dumbledore cleared his throat. Apparently he was making it clear that the two teachers had forgotten that he was there. "I wouldn't want to disappoint you, Tiernan--" James and Sirius stifled their laughs again-- "but I'm afraid Minerva is right. Besides, you are disturbing these students' sleep. It would be rude to wake them up after a hard night of doing homework. They deserve peace and quiet, and I must add that it is quite rude, especially for teachers, to forget that rule in circumstances like this. So I advise that we all go back to our offices and turn in ourselves." He stepped out of the doorway to let them through, Ridgewood looking ominous and Professor McGonagall grim but relieved. As soon as they'd gone, the Headmaster started to close the door. Just as the three breathed sighs of relief, he said in a quiet voice, "Good night, you three. I do recommend you put a bit more gluckreed in your potion than the recipe suggests, as I have done it in my childhood once myself and I found something was wrong in it." His eyes twinkled, and with a swing of his long cloak (even when he was in pajamas), he shut the door and walked off down the outer staircase.
Remus, after waiting for a moment, pulled back his hangings and peered over at Sirius, who looked as stunned as he was. James shrugged, and within seconds, a reeking smell again reached their noses. The Undetectable spells were fading fast.
Sighing, the three boys set to work, trying to restore their dormitory's scent back to what it was before. It caused a lot of complications, and James wondered aloud what it would feel like to bring back the smell of buttered toast and ham sandwiches to the Great Hall once they had given the Slytherins a dose of it. Or maybe even in class, since Sirius pointed out that there would be plenty left over. The other two could only hope that he wouldn't suggest to use it on Ridgewood, as longing as it was, because the rancorous professor would only worm their expulsion into place if they ever laid a hand on him. Sirius was the only one who gave catcalls and side comments freely in Potions, or other classes, for that matter, if not to annoy the victim, I mean, teacher, just for the fun of it.
He paid most dearly for all his remarks, though. That was the reason that he had 307 more detentions in the past than James, 310 if you counted the detention he just served that night and two more he had for that week. All in all, he had already achieved 1, 102 detentions, the biggest record in Hogwarts. He was the record-setter, after all.
At last, after plenty of bloopers and a few burns on their clothes because of wrong incantations (getting rid of rafflesia stench is a very hard business indeed), they finally nailed it and went to bed with fitful and wistful (not to mention ludicrous) dreams of dumping a cauldron of Reeking Repellant over Ridgewood's overgrown head and getting him fired because Dumbledore said he…well…reeked and they couldn't get the smell off him. Ridiculous, it was, but they couldn't help wishing it were true. Just that blissful fantasy made them wish that they would never wake up (along with cursing Ridgewood and the rest of his slimy students into a gazillion pieces, or making them look very farcical, or even more distantly unreal sending them to Azkaban for a life sentence).
And that was the very thing they felt like doing the next day (never waking up, I mean. though you could add the rest too, to be completely honest).
*****
"JAMES! GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND WAKE UP!!!" Martin screamed in James's ear. No such luck.
Peter stood by, shaking Remus and feeling an odd sense of déjà vu. Well, that feeling had long been with him ever since he'd been friends with the three, but this time was a bit different. He didn't expect this at all.
Day after day (except weekends), he did his usual routine of jarring the marauders to wakening, and day after day, he either got a punch and a kick (or both) or just a snore and the expected rolling of their backs toward him. Sometimes he was rewarded by a mumbling ("go away, Pete" in Remus's or James's case, or "Remind me to give you a hard punch in the gut or a hex later" from Sirius). Either way, he always managed to wake them up in the end, even though he suffered much from Sirius's moodiness and several times being sent to the hospital wing. Mind you, Sirius Black was not a morning person, more so if the waker was a certain mouse-like scaredy-cat (ironic, isn't it?) that never ceased to annoy him.
Getting back to the story, Peter hauled his butt to the side of their beds as usual, and got a bruise and indistinct mutterings again, as usual. He did so for over an hour, until it was (again) ten minutes to Charms. Then, without even performing a spell, he dashed off, expecting (and willing) them to get out of bed by themselves and hustle to the Charms corridor on time.
This, obviously, was a stupid move, and of course the three marauders waking up suddenly and bustling about had as much chance as an egg growing hair.
For the first few minutes in Professor Flitwick's classroom, Peter and Lily kept glancing at the door. Professor Flitwick kept glancing at James's, Sirius's and Remus's desks in disapproval. The others in the class showed little interest in their absence, except for Celeste who was fretting over James's truancy.
"Oh, James, whatever happened to him?" Celeste wrung her hands in worry.
Lily glared at her, a bit surprised that her former friend was now allowing eye contact and asking her, of all people, where they were.
"I'm not James, it's Lily, L-I-L-Y Lily, and I don't know where they are, so stop your damn blubbering! For all I know they're fine, and just decided that spending an extra hour sleeping is much better than parking their butts in this boring classroom!" she snapped at her. Flitwick threw her an annoyed sidelong glance.
Transfiguration came, and still they didn't show up. As Professor McGonagall saw to their transforming their frogs into toads, she bristled every time she passed by their empty seats. Finally, when a quarter of the class had successfully transformed their frogs (though some were concentrating too hard, so they accidentally turned people nearby into toads too) and when Professor McGonagall had restored everyone (who were turned into bullfrogs) to their proper state, she looked very cross.
"Kimball! I specifically told you to turn a common tree frog into a satisfactory horned toad, not a salamander--"
"But, Professor!" Martin protested, looking enraged. "That's not a salamander, it's a different species of toad, sylphaeus tondetica, I think the scientific name was…"
"Whatever you call it, it is not a frog, much less a toad! Get back to work, and I don't want to see a newt after that wretched thing you've created!" Professor McGonagall retorted. Her face was practically maroon, and Lily could swear she saw steam coming out of her ears and nostrils. Young though their teacher was, her hair seemed to be turning gray in the midst of her chaotic class.
"See, it's got warts all over it too, so that proves that it is a--"
"Professor, I think I've got a problem with my frog, it's breathing ice…"
"Dolt! You just performed a Freezing Charm, there's a distinct difference between the sh sound from the shsss in the Transfiguration spell, you've got to roll your tongue more on the second word."
"Don't worry, Professor McGonagall said the warts would wear off after a few days, then you'll be free to strangle Kylie when your hands are all better--"
"Who ever invented an incantation that's spelled and pronounced the same in two different branches of magic?"
"I told you, there's a difference in the s sound! Don't you know your phonics?!"
"Phonics, shmonics, who wants to turn frogs into toads for a living, anyway? That'd just make them uglier, not to mention more disgusting with all their warts…"
"Well, I'm sure that you'd look much better if the spell was applied to you, Celeste."
"Hmph! What do you know, Lily, about beauty and enhancing your looks? Not that you were even pretty to start with, it would probably take ages to make you look something like me--"
"Don't flatter yourself! I'd rather eat warts than be made to look like you, imagine how horrifying I would look…"
"Dare you talk to me like that, Lily Evans!"
"Dare you say to my face that I'm butt-ugly, Celeste Schoharie--"
"Will you two quit it? If it's any comfort to you, you're both not ugly. The more appropriate words would be repulsive and hideous, so you don't need to worry about who's more unsightly, because in that case you two are--"
"Chase!"
"Professor, my frog's all bloated now. There's something seriously wrong with this incantation…"
"I told you--"
"And it has several relative similarities to the common toad, namely--"
"Shut it with all your cross-species relationship talk, Martin, or you'd beat even Professor Binns and his goblin rebellion wars."
"Cool! Now your frog's spurting some kind of gas from his nose…"
"Keep it away from mine, now, you never know when weird wisps of smoke are flammable or not--"
"What's the difference between flammable and inflammable?"
"Spelling."
"You mean, there's two different incantations to make something either flammable or inflammable?"
"I don't think that's--"
"QUIET!!!"
Instant silence, instant attentiveness. Martin's salamander/toad thing mysteriously slipped away out the door, unfortunately unknown to its owner (or creator). Lily's toad hopped off Celeste's hair. Celeste's toad whizzed past when Lily whacked it with her book, preventing it from jumping to her face. Chase was found sitting in a desk at a safe distance from her best friend and sister. Several live tree frogs were hopping on the teacher's table.
Professor McGonagall was furious. If her face had been any more purple than it was, then her head was going to explode (or so Lily thought). She glared at each and every one of them, and the receivers of the look in turn flinched and cringed. Peter toppled off his chair.
"Pettigrew and Kimball!" she boomed, sounding like a really peeved sergeant.
"I didn't do it, Professor," Martin said immediately. "I swear it on my pinky and my lucky stuffed doggie…"
"That would be enough, Kimball," Professor McGonagall said in a steely voice. Peter was trembling from head to toes.
Professor McGonagall was counting under her breath. The class sat still; the only sound heard was the whistling of the wind outside and the croaking of the frogs and toads. After she had counted to a hundred (that's short for a person who has a really quick temper), she calmed down and sat down in her chair. She looked pointedly at Peter. "You go up to the dormitory and look for Potter, Black and Lupin," she ordered them. "If they're not in the Tower, report to me instantly. They're already in enough trouble as it is."
Martin and Peter nodded. "I think they're only asleep, Professor," Peter squeaked. "I couldn't wake them up this morning--"
"Then I suggest you wake them up every morning after this, Pettigrew, and if they don't, then try magic! You don't study in the best wizarding school in Europe for nothing!" she cried. "Off you go now, and drag them down to this classroom if need be!"
"But Professor," Martin interjected. "I can't wake them up either--"
"I didn't say you were to wake them up, Kimball," Professor McGonagall answered coldly. "You are to hunt down that hideous…creature you've conjured, and if I hear word that it's been trampling around the halls and classrooms doing who knows what, then I will personally see to it that you will be punished."
Martin looked at her gloomily but grudgingly obeyed. The two boys walked out of the room together, Martin muttering indistinct words under his breath. They disappeared round an adjacent corridor.
Professor McGonagall appeared anxious for a moment or two. "Miss Evans, go to the Tower with Pettigrew. You obviously have more knowledge of spells than he does, and I daresay you have the courage to kick your friends' sides if they still don't wake up," she ordered her.
"Yes, Professor," Lily responded. There was a look of cunning on her face. She was probably just happy, in a twisted sort of way, that Professor McGonagall was permitting her to hex her friends. Not that she hadn't done so before, plenty of times, without McGonagall's leave, but this time she felt a sort of triumph.
Professor McGonagall sighed. "Don't take it the wrong way, Evans. I want them here in the next ten minutes, but I don't want to see their faces mutilated when I tell them off. No, a good shove off the bed would be enough to rouse those rascals…"
"No, it won't," Lily objected. "Don't worry, Professor, I'll bring them back…un-mutilated," she said carefully. Then she strode out of the room.
"I must be having the worst luck today…" Professor McGonagall said with a groan. What was left of her class were the four other girls in the fourth-year dormitory.
"Don't feel so bad, Professor," Kylie Findlay chirped. "You don't look as much as hell as you did last year when those three plagued the Gryffindor Tower with--"
Professor McGonagall shot her a severe glance and she cut off whatever she was going to say.
Chase laughed. "You mean, the time when--"
"Shush!" Celeste told her.
Chase mumbled something inaudible and turned back to the piece of paper that she had been sketching on when McGonagall wasn't looking. Failing to change her frog into a toad (which Celeste ceaselessly nagged her to, only resulting to more lack of interest than she had at the beginning of the class), she started on a rough drawing. The illustration was of her wearing a Grim Reaper kind of suit and holding a scythe, with Celeste's (headless) body on the ground, her head rolling on the grass. A speech bubble was beside the head, letters in it scrawled in a language that only Chase knew and understood.
Celeste peered at the drawing from two seats over. A spasm of annoyance was on her face as she stared at the picture. "Of all the… Don't be thinking that I'm going to fill inks on that gruesome sketch of yours, Chase!" she said shrilly.
"Who said I was going to?" Chase shot back. "Charcoal pencils and shading is all it takes. Though I'd prefer colors to emphasize my wonderful costume…" she trailed off with an amused grin.
"Oh, I'm sure that Death would be the perfect occupation for you, dear sister," Celeste said haughtily.
Chase did a little bow. "I'm honored."
"The fact that people seeing your face would make them drop dead instantly is deep talent," she continued.
Chase was unfazed. "Then join the club! I daresay you've forgotten the fact that we're identical, except for the color of our eyes maybe, so plainly people kicking the bucket everytime they land their eyes on my face applies to you too." She smirked.
Professor McGonagall leered over the disputing twins. "None of your bickering, now," she said sternly. "Miss Tarlise, I advise that you keep any unneeded items in this class immediately. This is Transfiguration, not art class! And see to it that you both avoid any personal vendettas in public, be it petty or important--"
"We never fight about anything petty," Chase interrupted crossly. "We're not petty. At least, I'm not, but maybe Celeste is."
Celeste narrowed her eyes, but at that moment Martin appeared in the doorway, carrying sylphaeus tondetica.
"I've found her, Professor!" he panted. "She was hiding on the grounds near the lake--"
"I'm not asking for information, Kimball. Now sit down and transfigure it back to your frog! Then we'll see if you're grades aren't hovering right above the toilet," Professor McGonagall said. Martin shut his mouth all the way to his desk.
As soon as he plopped onto his seat, Lily, and three ruffled-haired and weary-looking boys entered the room. It seemed that they had just thrown on their school robes over their pajamas and Sirius, who was the most sleepyheaded of all, was still wearing his fluffy blue night slippers.
"It's about time you three woke up," Professor McGonagall said, her nostrils flaring again.
Sirius yawned. "It's not my fault, Professor! I served a detention yesterday, and I got to the dormitory at past midnight! So I have every right to sleep as the next student…" His head nodded three times and he fell face-first onto the floor, snoring loudly.
"Wake up, Black!" Professor McGonagall muttered a spell and he jumped up, wide awake.
"Yes, sergeant, what're the orders?" he said in a deep voice.
Professor McGonagall looked, for a second, less severe. "Detention for the three of you. Go to your seats and transfigure your frogs."
The three trudged to their seats, but James looked disbelieving. "You mean, that's our detention?" he asked, as he effortlessly transformed his frog into a toad.
"Don't be ridiculous! I'll tell you when it is, but for tonight I'm reminding you that you three, and Miss Evans, still have a detention for tonight."
She looked at her watch. "Five minutes. I guess there's no use keeping you here any longer, what with your impossible behavior. Class dismissed."
A cheer rang through the classroom, and they scurried out the door two by two. At last Professor McGonagall noticed something strange.
"Miss Evans, where is Pettigrew?" she called to her.
Lily stopped in the middle of the hallway and turned around, looking sheepish. "Um…I was threatening Sirius that I'd give him a monkey's tail if he didn't wake up, but when I hexed him he deflected it with a Rebound Charm and Peter got hit. He had to go to Madame Pomfrey and get the tail out of his forehead."
*****
Wednesday night, 7:45. The four friends made their way to the Quidditch field after visiting Peter at the hospital wing. After a brief squabble between James and Sirius when Sirius said he was going to take 'just one little picture' with his camera, they set out with Madame Pomfrey shooing them out the door. Sirius grumbled all the way to the vast grounds.
"What's the harm of one picture, James? Shouldn't I have compensation for being dragged against my will to visit that no-good excuse for a friend?" he complained.
"Give it a rest for a while, Sirius, there's nothing evil about old Pete," Remus said with a yawn. They reached the bleachers, where Professor McGonagall left them a basin of soapy water and a scrubbing brush each, and a note.
Here are the things needed for your detention. Potter and Black will clean the north and south bleachers, respectively, and Lupin and Miss Evans the west and east. I will inspect them tomorrow. No magic, Black, and that goes for the rest of you too. The basins will fill with water everytime it runs low. There is a faculty meeting tonight, so if there are any problems, just go to the staff room. Again, absolutely no magic. I'll have Mr. Pringle watch you from time to time, but from where I shall not say. Don't go wandering off to the Forest! Good night.
Professor McGonagall
"She makes it sound like we're out-of-control rebels or something," Lily said indignantly.
"Which, in fact, we are," Sirius reminded. "Let's make quick work here. You saw the note, James, go to the north end! Here, I'll give your stuff a hand." With a wave of his wand, the scrubbing brush sprouted legs and ran all the way to the other end of the stadium, with the basin of water in close pursuit.
"Not bad," James told him. "But I can do better." He waved his wand, and Sirius's scrubbing brush sprouted legs and arms, and began doing an exhibition of gymnastics moves toward the bleachers near them. The basin of water had white wings on its sides and it flew ahead of the scrubbing brush, colorful bubbles forming shapes in the air and popping when they collided.
Lily sighed. "Stop playing around, you two, and don't beat around the bush. All you need is to do this." She zapped the cleaning items that remained and they flew to their individual bleachers, scrubbing and soaping the topmost steps.
"There. Now, why don't you command yours, and let's get down to the real business," Remus added. When James and Sirius still had their eyes on the cartwheeling gymnast, he zapped it himself and the legs and arms disappeared, the basin landed on the highest part of the bleachers and the wings dissolved, and the scrubber got to work.
"What'd you do that for?" Sirius cried. "It was about to do one of those spinning-in-the-air-while-in-a-ball-position kind of moves!"
James laughed. "Nice description. Anyway, I guess I better assign my slaves too."
After they had "gotten to work," they started arguing about what to do next.
"Hey, Sirius, we were supposed to put all sorts of spells on the field, remember? Didn't you say you wanted to get back to McGonagall?" James reminded.
Sirius shrugged. "I don't know. That was five days ago. I guess I don't feel like doing it now."
"Why don't we go to the Forbidden Forest?" Lily suggested.
The others shrugged. "Pringle's supposed to be keeping watch, isn't he? I mean, he's okay and everything, but he's a perpetual country-club butt-kisser when it comes to the faculty," Remus pointed out.
Sirius's eyes sparkled. "Why not, Rem? All it takes to take that goody-two-shoes old geezer out is a Stunning Spell."
"What if somebody, like Ridgewood for instance, tripped over him when they were strolling around?" James asked.
Sirius sighed. "You've been sticking too close to Peter, Jamie boy," he told him seriously.
*****
A/N - If some (if not all) parts of this chapter sucked, I'm sorry. I've had a severe case of writer's block (and laziness) these days. But next chapter's a Quidditch match, and I guarantee that it's going to be better.