Chapter 10: Partner Problem
It didn't take Sirius long to walk back to the common room. Knowing the best shortcuts to get there took a huge burden (despite the fact that his backpack was feather-light) off his shoulders.
When he got to the dormitory, he found James sitting on his bed, staring off into space. Wonder what that's about.
Remus was lying, stomach down, on his bed, his face buried in his pillow. Apparently he had just gone from a detention. In this case, an extremely strenuous one.
"You okay, Rem?" Sirius asked, punching him lightly on the shoulder.
Remus groaned. "Does it look that way?" he replied, his voice muffled. "If you were the one who had to haul up two hundred copies of The Complete Guide to the Magical Plant Kingdom from the first floor to the seventh floor and back, then I'd have the pleasure of laughing and making enjoyable anecdotes."
"Up to the seventh floor and back?" Sirius echoed with a smirk. "What was that, some sort of capital punishment for accidentally pouring a bottle of Engorging Potion on an adult Venomous Tentacula?"
Remus held up three fingers. "Three, in fact." He lifted his head slightly. "And they actually had the sympathy to assign me with two hundred books instead of four hundred," he said sarcastically. "They're probably still arguing about the pros and cons until now."
"Consider yourself lucky, then," Sirius said.
"You call being punished after almost getting eaten alive by a flesh-eating plant lucky?" Remus shot back, groaning again.
"Look on the bright side. At least you didn't have to lift four hundred," Sirius remarked.
"Don't you get it? The reason I had to carry them back was because I had the wrong copies. I was supposed to move the box containing two hundred copies of The Complete Guide to the Magical Herb Kingdom." Remus looked cross and buried his face in the pillow again.
"Well, you probably deserved it. After all, you were the one who put the potion in…" Sirius smirked.
"Yeah, yeah. As if you hadn't done it a thousand times before."
"Is this the part where I say, 'I told you so?'" Sirius asked teasingly.
"Thanks for your sympathy," Remus shot back. "Just leave me the hell alone."
Sirius shrugged. "Got your wish." He unloaded his books onto his bed, which was right next to James's. "So, what's your excuse, Jamie boy?" he asked as he flipped through Hexes and Spells for the Human Anatomy.
James didn't respond. He was still looking out the window.
Sirius snapped his fingers in front of his friend's face. "Hel-lo-o? Earth to James Potter! Are you in there?"
James blinked. "W-what? Huh?"
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Very articulate. As I was saying, how come you ditched our library session for an hour of letting your mind get lost in the clouds?"
"Oh, that. Sorry," James answered, his voice oddly strained. "Could you just, you know, remind me next time?"
"Whatever," Sirius said. He wasn't really curious about James's lack of cooperation. He was more interested to know what had been on his best friend's mind for the past hour and a half. Raising his eyebrows, he added, "Were you thinking about something important?" he dropped slyly.
James had a blank look on his face. "Not really," he said, too quickly. "Just some stuff."
"Uh-huh," Sirius nodded, supporting his chin with his fingers. "Like I'm supposed to believe that."
"Really, there's nothing worth sharing," James responded, annoyed. "Lay off it already."
"Right. I bet you were only daydreaming about Lily," Sirius taunted automatically. He had become so used to it that it was the first thing he always blurted out.
James's eyes flashed. "Will you stop talking about that already?!" he seethed. "This is getting old."
Sirius drew back, surprised at his best friend's sudden show of anger. "Whoa. Take it easy, James, I was just kidding," he said, holding up his hands. "There's no need to get all worked up," he added.
His friend took a deep breath. "Yeah," he muttered. "Sorry." He turned away, absent-mindedly rolling a Gobstone through his fingers.
"Sorry seems like the word of the hour," Remus mumbled through his pillow.
"Too true," James said under his breath. Then his eyes brightened. "You know what? We should talk about something else."
"Like what?" Sirius said warily.
"Like…the winter ball!" James suggested, his voice returning to its usual upbeat tone.
Remus sat up and rubbed his eyes. "That's two months from now, James," he pointed out.
"Not really," James insisted. "More like a month and two weeks. The ball starts right after the play, twelve midnight."
Sirius lifted a shoulder. "So? I can't see the point of talking about something that's still a month and a half away. Think of something else."
James shook his head. "No," he said slowly. "I mean, aren't you going to think about who you want to ask or something? How you're going to ask her?" He threw the Gobstone into the air and caught it.
Sirius stopped short. "Oh, that!" he exclaimed. "Well, everybody knows I'm going to ask Celes…"
"What makes you so sure that Celeste will like you back?" Remus countered.
Sirius scowled at him. "Thanks for the confidence boost," he shot at him.
"My pleasure." Remus grinned. "Well then, maybe we should just settle with talking about partners first before we start a battle."
Sirius noticed James shifting uncomfortably in his seat.
"Fine. Then who are you planning to ask, wise guy?" Sirius said to Remus.
Remus shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe I'll go alone."
Sirius smirked. "You're just chicken." He started flapping his arms like a bird and clucked. "Werewolf Boy's afraid of girls," he mocked, making chicken noises.
"You're acting like a seven-year-old, Sirius," Remus said, rolling his eyes. "Grow up and buy a life."
"Where exactly can one buy a decent life?" Sirius asked curiously.
Remus smirked. "Try asking Chase Tarlise where to find one. Only you'd probably have to pay 10,000 Galleons for it," he deadpanned.
"Only 10,000 Galleons?" Sirius said in mock surprise. "What kind of life does that buy? A beggar's?"
Remus laughed. "Think 10,000 Galleons make a mendicant?" he asked James.
"Well, the only thing I've heard so far is that a human life is worth far more than a million gold coins," James responded. "Does that mean something?"
"Sure does." Remus glanced at Sirius. "It means that somebody in this room is in desperate need of money."
Sirius crossed his arms. "And somebody is in desperate need of a love life."
"Like you have one," Remus shot back.
"Like you're swimming in wizard gold," Sirius retorted.
"You don't even have a normal life, let alone an existing relationship."
"What about you? You're probably just using your 'I'm not interested in girls right now' excuse to avoid the real questions!"
"And those are…?"
"Like, who are you going to ask to the dance?"
"That's not a real question!"
"It is. All real questions inquire about something."
"I meant 'questions that have something to do with life,' not what the definition states."
"What am I, a psychic all of a sudden?"
"No, but you are profoundly delusional."
"That was a question, not a statement."
"I didn't refer to your being delusional from your question, Sirius."
"Oh yeah? Then why…."
*****
James tuned out as his friends bantered. Maybe if he got really, really lucky, they would eventually forget about the dating-and-partners thing and not ask him.
Only problem was, his luck didn't seem to be going his way at all today.
"--shut up for a minute," he heard Remus saying. "We haven't even asked James yet."
"Oh yeah! Slipped, I guess. So, Jamie boy, who's the lucky girl that you'll sweep off her feet on the winter ball?" Sirius asked, a grin already forming on his face.
"Er--I'm not really sure yet," James said carefully. What a stupid move. Why'd he have to bring up the dance anyway? It just made it easier for them to press him into telling them what he'd been thinking about for the past hour.
Sirius and Remus exchanged amused glances. "Sounds reasonable," Remus said in a pleasant tone.
"Sounds like he's stalling," Sirius added wickedly.
"Now, now, Sirius," Remus warned, wagging his index finger. "One has to be courteous in these instances--"
"Okay, then I'm saying it with the utmost sincerity and courteousness," Sirius snickered. "Who're you asking to the dance, James?"
"Whom," Remus corrected with a sardonic smile.
"Whatever," Sirius waved his hand. "So, James. What deep, intimate thoughts have you been having about the girl of your dreams? Who, in particular rules over you visionary fantasies--?"
"You're laying it a wee bit too thick on the subject, buddy," Remus chuckled. "Why don't you just say 'I know what you know so don't try pretending that you don't know what I already know that I knew from you."
"There are way too many knows in your sentence," Sirius objected.
"Then figure it out if you're as smart as you said you were." Remus leaned back on the headboard of his bed.
Sirius cleared his throat. "As I was saying, before I was rudely interrupted," he added, throwing a quick glare at Remus. "What did you say again?" he asked him.
"The know thing?" Remus asked, raising his eyebrows.
"Yep."
"I forgot already."
"You're pretty useless when it comes to memory."
"Right, like I was the one who had to get three detentions because he forgot half of his 1387 dwarf strike for proper rights speech," Remus retorted.
Sirius paused. "That was James, not me," he pointed out.
"No it wasn't," James said automatically. "It was you, Sirius."
"Ha! That's just a second reason of a million why you're on your way to getting Alzheimer's disease," Remus said triumphantly.
Sirius looked sheepish. "Oh, hey! Jamie, weren't you going to tell us who had you staring at nothing in particular like a space cadet?" he said hastily, changing the subject.
James shrugged. "How am I supposed to know? It's still a month and a fortnight away," he said in what he hoped was a disinterested tone. Maybe they would leave him alone then.
Remus smirked. "He's probably hiding something," he stage-whispered to Sirius loudly.
Sirius returned the snicker. "C'mon, James. You can trust your best friends, right?" he prodded, obviously enjoying James's discomfort.
"Not when they're named after a star and would probably be given the title 'Class Clown' in the back of the yearbook ," he answered.
Sirius's smile widened. There he went again with his insane grin. The one that told James to shut up about something Sirius still didn't know and not spill it.
"Ookay. But you still trust Remus, right? I mean, he trusts you in keeping his lycanthropic nature, so a little reciprocal credence never hurt anybody." Sirius rubbed his hands together.
"Whatever. Why are you making such a big deal out of all this anyway?" James asked irritably.
"Who do you think brought up the subject of the winter ball?" Remus interjected amusedly.
"You guys are totally out of line tonight," James said, throwing up his hands.
"Thank you. We're known for our services in interdependent irrationality," Sirius snickered with a twisted smile. "We've got a slot open on Thursday. Care to reserve a space in our busy schedule?"
"You two are a pair of pathetic losers," James muttered, heading for the door. As soon as he was about to open it, it opened from the other side.
Mark Conroy's lanky frame towered above him. "You two, it's Quidditch practice in five," he reminded. "You better not be slacking off as usual," he added in a warning voice. "All excuses for chronic lateness are intolerable."
"Awww, you don't have to spoil us that much," James said sarcastically. "The next match is ages away, and I still need to finish an essay about the history of cafedomancy for Trelawney."
"I forgot about that!" Sirius exclaimed behind them. "Say, can I just skip this one out too, Captain?"
Mark glared at him, then turned back to James. "How long?" he asked.
"Judging from Trelawney's--er--bad mood when I accidentally broke one of her crystal balls to see what would happen to the fog if it was let out…" James trailed off. "I'd say roughly the length of…two kilometers?"
Mark sighed. "Why did I ever think it was a good idea to recruit troublemakers on the team?" he muttered under his breath. "All right, you're excused. But this is the last time you're going to do so, Potter," he admonished.
Sirius popped up behind James's shoulder. "Oh yeah, I broke one of her favorite spheres too," he piped up. "I've got fifty inches more than James's, so--"
"You're coming with me, Black," Mark said firmly, jutting his thumb behind him. "You still can't do proper strikes. Most of the time anyway. I'm telling you, there are a lot more potential people for your position. If you don't haul your butt to the field in three minutes and do it right, I'm going to have to replace you with someone else." He turned and walked off, his footsteps echoing down the stairs.
Barely a minute later another set of feet came thundering up it.
Chase's head popped into view. She stopped halfway up the stairs and laid her hand on the banister, a glittering bangle on her wrist and her Silver Arrow clutched on her other hand. "Hey Sirius, Mark told me to come up here and remind you to go to practice in three min-- no, make that two minutes and forty seconds…and counting. Hurry up." She stood waiting there, tapping her foot.
"Sheesh, does he really think I'm that forgetful?" James heard him mutter as he fetched his broomstick and club.
"'Course he does. See, you were the one who forgot half of your speech in--"
"Okay, okay, I get it already," Sirius said exasperatedly as he shut his trunk.
James glanced at Chase, who was leaning on the banister, absentmindedly staring at the common room below. There was no trace of the unusual expression on her face when she talked to him an hour ago.
"I'm here," a voice called behind James, and he stepped out of the way just in time as Sirius skidded out the door and stumbled on the top step. Chase caught his arm before he could tumble all the way down the spiral steps and break his neck or something.
"Thanks," he gasped.
Chase rolled her eyes. "That's graceful. We better go or Mark will skin me alive if I don't drag you there on time."
"Why do people get the impression that I'm as slow as a sea turtle on land?" Sirius grumbled as they descended the staircase.
James heard Chase's laugh fading as they disappeared downstairs. Shrugging, he turned and gathered his reference books for his torture assignment in Divination. Might as well start the inevitable.
"You can copy mine if you like," Remus offered, holding out several thick rolls of parchment at James. "Maybe you'll actually get a small dent in it."
James groaned. "Don't make me feel worse than I already do," he whined, setting his notes down on his desk and starting to write Cafedomancy - the branch of divination that deals with the foretelling of the future through coffee and coffee beans. Then he began copying the detailed outline of Remus's assignment. He was in for a hell of an evening.
*****
Sirius yawned hugely and in a very conspicuous manner as he stirred his potion. "This is beyond boring," he whispered to Lily, who was his partner. Nearly three-fourths of the period was over and they were just finishing up the various solutions that Ridgewood had prepared for them. (He made sure that Sirius and his crew got the worst, messiest and hardest potions.)
"Tell me about it," Lily whispered back, rolling her eyes. "Seriously, one of Professor Binns's snooze-a-thon lectures would be better than this." Please. Ridgewood didn't know the first thing about their group. He probably never noticed (since he was so busy putting extremely low marks on their excellent work) that the four of them excelled greatly in the art of potion-making. Three straight years of using complicated solutions wasn't lost on them.
Ridgewood had his back turned to them and was complimenting Snape's concoction in a loud voice. Sirius snorted. As if he cared. There was not one iota in his body that would ever cause him to be jealous of Snape. Not in a million years.
Someone punched Sirius--hard--in the back. Avery's bulky frame cast a shadow over them. "Hey, you got any bird intestines left over, Black?" he snarled.
"Go run to Ridgewood if you ate up all you had, pug face," Sirius retorted, starting to get his wand out of his robes.
Avery cracked his knuckles and Wilkes appeared behind him with a threatening look on his face.
"Oh? Have you come to beg for snake guts too, Wilkes? I didn't know Slytherins had that as appetizers for their pick-your-nose festivities every last Friday of the month," Sirius mocked.
Wilkes roared and lunged at Sirius. Sirius narrowly avoided a collision between his eye and Wilkes's fist.
"Watch it!" Remus yelled as Sirius knocked over his cauldron of Coughing Concoction. The near-full container toppled off the worktable and splattered everyone within ten feet with thick, yellowish potion. Half the class started coughing violently.
"Halt! What is this nonsense?!" Ridgewood suddenly shouted, careful not to step on a puddle of yellow goo. "Black! Potter! What have you two done now?"
He pushed aside Chase, who was gingerly picking up her wand from a phlegm-colored liquid on the floor in a fit of coughs. The rest of the Gryffindors coughed, whined and demanded for a cure all at the same time.
"Calm down, you idiots!" Ridgewood barked at them angrily. "Complaints, complaints, that's all you're good for! Hold your tongue if you know what's good for you!!!"
The Gryffindors howled (or tried to, since respiration wasn't on their side) even louder. A flash of light flew over Sylvia's head and hit Nott square in the chest. Another zap, and Snape's full cauldron flew to the ceiling and reverted itself over his oily head, causing a blue mixture to trickle all over his face and hair. Little blue people started to form from the potion and skittered down his face, down his overlarge nose and onto the table. In a few minutes, the whole dungeon was overrun by small blue people who pulled students' hair and pushed glass bottles filled with apothecary ingredients off the tables, causing complete chaos in the once clean dungeon.
"Cease and desist! Stop! CEASE AND DESIST!!!" Ridgewood was yelling at the top of his lungs. But it was no use, the class was still whining and coughing, half the boys in both Gryffindor and Slytherin had joined in the brawl, miniature people pulled at Celeste's long hair and Chase had ridden herself of coughs and had set to diligently making little blue people disappear. Lily was pushed right into a rolling table filled with bottles of beetle eyes and spider venom. Peter was crouched under a table, shielding himself with an impossibly big cauldron from any unnecessary liquids. Ridgewood was still running around like a lunatic, yelling and shouting and cursing as he handed people small green vials that probably held the cure. Somewhere on the upper floors, a bell rang off, signaling the end of the period. The Gryffindors who had been cured cheered loudly and hastily grabbed their dirty cauldrons and Potions ingredients from their respective desks and hurried out of the room, hoping to spare themselves from Ridgewood's wrathful whoever-did-this-is-gonna-have-to-pay condemnation.
Amidst the air thick with small creatures, the marauders slipped out of the room with their equipment and ran all the way to the Gryffindor Tower. They knew that it was pointless running; Ridgewood would just ream them out tomorrow.
Even so, the three marauders (Lily escaped with Chase) couldn't help laughing and discussing the finer points of the afternoon.
"Did you get splattered with Celeste's Berserk Brew?" Sirius sniggered to Remus as they strolled down the corridor.
Remus shook his head. "Nope. That was James," he confirmed, pointing a hitchhiker thumb at their friend. The effect of the potion had worn off as soon as they stepped foot in the deserted hall.
"Don't blame me," James protested. "Sirius was the one who knocked over your cauldron, which knocked over Nott's cauldron, which knocked over Celeste's" he finished.
"He probably knocked over our grades in Potions with it too," Remus agreed, glancing at Sirius warily. "That was a graded pre-exam practical quiz, my friend."
Sirius snorted. "Like any of the stuff we make in his class isn't graded," he scoffed. "Besides, the exams are aeons away, and Wilkes was the one who caused me to jump and ruin yours," he pointed out. "After Avery punched me, though," he added as an afterthought.
"Exactly," James said. "You insulted both him and Wilkes so you obviously caused him to ram you."
"Not before Avery came," Sirius shot back. "Since when were you Slytherins' biggest fan, anyway?" he asked accusingly.
James smirked. "I'm not a fan. Putting you on the spot is one of the biggest highlights of my life," he said sarcastically.
Sirius shook his head. "You've been hanging out with Chase too much," he told him. "Sarcasm doesn't suit you."
"Since when?" Remus jumped in.
"I'm always sarcastic," James said in a mock solemn voice. "Just as sarcastic as Sirius is psychologically challenged."
"Like you're any saner than Sir Cadogan," Sirius countered.
"Sir Cadogan's a runaway knight from the Medieval Institute of the Mentally Impaired," James shot back.
"He's a painting, for Pete's sake!" Sirius said exasperatedly. "Paintings don't have mental institutes for the demented. That's why they stay that way."
"Then there must be a MIMI for oil-painted works of art," Remus reasoned.
"You call that mad equestrian warrior a work of art?" Sirius scoffed.
"It's a painting, and they painted him with art materials," Remus said defensively. "Isn't that enough reason to call it artwork?"
"Actually, I think you only call something a work of art if it really does look good to look at," James volunteered.
"See?" Sirius said triumphantly.
"He's just on your side because he's your best friend," Remus sulked.
"Be grateful with what you already have, Rem. I mean, not many people would want to befriend a werewo--"
"Shhh!" Remus and James shushed loudly, the former slapping his hand over his friend's mouth. Lily and Chase were walking down the opposite hall, Chase getting an earful of Lily's we-hate-Celeste dramatics. She was wearing an I'm-trying-to-pretend-that-I'm-interested-even-though-I'm-sick-of-all-this-crap look on her face. The look broke into one of long-anticipated relief as she saw them.
"-and she had the nerve to say--" Lily was saying.
"Hey," Chase greeted them. "We were just heading to the Great Hall for some chow," she added, gesturing at Lily.
"You've been to the common room already?" Sirius asked in disbelief.
Lily shook her head. "Nah. We just dumped all our stuff at Cyriack Diarmid and a bunch of his friends," she explained. "You know how those suckers worship Chase." Chase smirked.
"Wish I had tons of personal servants to come at my beck and call whenever I wanted," Remus said enviously, admiring the way Chase had power over those who fell for her.
"Oh, I wouldn't go that far," Chase answered, brushing the comment aside with a wave of her hand. "They're always wherever I am anyway."
"I think the term for people like that is stalker." James spoke up meekly.
Chase laughed. "Nah, more like puppy dogs. They're just second years, after all." They started walking back down the corridor again, the three boys trailing after them. "It isn't really nice to address them that way, though," she added in a low voice.
Lily chuckled. "Yeah. That's why you order them to do whatever you want," she stated sardonically. "They'd probably jump off a cliff if you asked them to," she added with a smirk.
Chase shrugged indifferently. "I guess you're right," she agreed slowly. Suddenly Owen Hector and his two buddies rounded the corner.
Sirius grabbed his arm as he passed. "Could you take these to the dormitory for us?" he asked in his most demanding military-general voice, indicating his and his friends' slime-infested, stinky Potions materials.
"Who're you to order me around?" the third-year blond said indignantly.
"Hey. Who's the older one here?" Sirius shot at him. He used the five-inch gap between his height and Owen's to the fullest advantage.
"You're not the boss of us," Kurt Reuben said in a tone that perfectly resembled a three-year-old's.
"Yeah," Alex Myvan chimed in.
Lily raised an eyebrow at them.
Chase sighed. "You know Sirius, they can report you for extortion," she said.
"Yeah!" the three third years said in unison, gaining confidence now that Chase was at their side.
"That is if these three want the title tattletale stamped to their foreheads for the rest of their soon-to-be miserable school years," Sirius replied, folding his arms as he stared defiantly back at Chase.
"No, I meant you had to do it right," Chase said, rolling her eyes. She swiped Sirius's cauldron from him. "Owen, you carry Sirius's stuff," she deadpanned.
"Y-y-yes, ma'am," Owen stammered, reaching for the cauldron with shaky fingers. "I was going to do it for him at that very second, I swear." To Sirius's delight, he diligently gathered his brewing paraphernalia without complaint.
"Whatever," Chase responded, hiding her amusement at the fact that Owen actually believed her pretend tirade.
"Uh… I could help you out too, Chase," Alex said timidly, blushing to the roots of his red hair as Chase glanced at him.
Chase exchanged looks with Lily. "If that's what you want," she said with a shrug. "Get James's," she said.
Kurt looked hopefully up at Chase too. "And you can carry Remus's things," she told him. "If it's okay with you," she added.
Kurt straightened suddenly. "Anything you want, Chase!" he gushed, grabbing Remus's alchemy bottles. The three of them ran off, chattering all the way.
"Oh yeah. You don't call that bossing people around," Lily derided as she watched the retreating backs of the three third years.
"I wasn't bossing them around. They practically threw themselves at my feet," Chase objected. "You're just jealous of my authoritative flair," she added, pretending to fan herself primly with her hand.
Lily playfully pushed her, causing her to bump into Sirius. "Yeah, right. You take on 'slave driver' to a whole new art," she teased.
"Ow!" Chase and Sirius exclaimed at the same time. "What the hell did you do that for?" both of them complained together.
Lily laughed.
"I guess pushing people for no reason is your best form of entertainment," Sirius and Chase said in unison. Then they looked at each other. "Stop copying what I say!" they both said irritably.
Remus chuckled along with Lily. "You guys can pass as twins," he snickered.
"Uh-huh. If you could call a black-haired, Black-surnamed, slightly insane prankster sneak identical to me," Chase retorted just as Sirius started to say "Right. Just female, three months behind and already has a twin who's more brilliant and beautiful than her."
The five of them stopped outside the Great Hall. "Okay, not twins--I mean, triplets. Maybe just closely related to each other," James commented.
"Yuck. Now I smell like some sort of flower mixed with French perfume," Sirius complained to Lily. "If you had to push someone at me, why couldn't it be Celeste? Are you starting to mix up the twins again, Lil?"
Lily rolled her eyes. "As if I'd ever hang out with you around that ultimate bi--"
Chase shot her a quick she's-still-my-sister-Lil look. Lily discontinued the comment.
"Besides, the flowery scent is the perfume, you moron," she said instead. "And where did you even get the idea that Celeste is even slightly as brilliant as Chase?" Lily demanded. "Her IQ is probably thirty points behind this cynic here."
"Thank you," Chase deadpanned. "It's nice to know that I'm appreciated."
"No, it's not," Sirius fired back at Lily, ignoring Chase. "Celeste's higher about five points, tops."
Remus shook his head. "As far as I know, you both are wrong. Chase and Celeste tied first place in the last official Supremely-Mind-Numbing Elementary Magic Intellectual Test for the Above-Average Student," he quipped.
"Was that official?" James asked, his eyebrows raised.
"Of course it was. The one the six of us took has been the three hundred thirty-third IQ and Practical Test sponsored by the Legerdemain Educational Institution for Student Witches and Wizards Co. International and The Mentoring Alliance for Young Magical Minds, British Division," Remus said matter-of-factly.
James let out a low whistle.
"Why doesn't the SMNEMITAAS sound remotely like a title that brainstorming worldwide wizarding organizations have thoroughly thought over?" Chase asked him.
"You tell me. You're supposed to be the smart one here," Remus answered as they pulled up chairs at the Gryffindor Table.
"Like you didn't take fourth place in that test," Chase shot back, rolling her eyes as she plopped down on her seat.
"Why don't you ask James or Lily? They tied for second place," Remus reminded her.
Lily and Sirius were still arguing.
"--practically a thousand times. Yeah, I know that you were first runner-up. You don't have to rub in the fact that I was third place," Sirius said irritably.
"I was second too," James piped up.
"I know. And if I knew better than you, which I do, Lily, you're probably just still bitter because Celeste beat you. As for Jamie boy—"
"Me? Jealous of that over-dramatizing brat of an 'actress'?" Lily said incredulously, making quotation marks on the word actress. "Please."
Chase sighed. "If you guys climbed and went down twenty-seven staircases, walked down forty-eight halls, seventeen intersections and three secret passageways just to waste your breath over a forgettable test that happened months ago that nobody still talks about, then I'd have to say you're both either really into power-strolling or just plain stupid," she announced.
Sirius opened his mouth ready with a suitable retort when they heard the unmistakable melodious voice of Celeste Schoharie calling her twin.
Celeste ran to her sister's chair and held onto her shoulder, breathless.
"Careful, sis. Wouldn't want you to get a heart attack," Chase said.
Celeste rolled her eyes but couldn't contain the brilliant smile spreading across her face, two dimples appearing on her cheeks. "Guess what? Guess what? You're never going to believe it! Oh, you'll never guess it in a million years!" she said excitedly, bouncing on the balls of her feet.
"Let me get this straight. You want me to guess something unbelievable that I'll never guess in a million years," Chase repeated.
"Exactly!"
Chase shrugged at her and speared a piece of barbecue on her fork. "Then what the hell do you want me to guess it for?" she asked sarcastically.
Celeste pulled up the empty seat next to her. "Do you remember Jessamine Heathcote? She's the one who plays the role of the princess in the play!" she started excitedly.
"Yeah, she was the one you wanted to shoot daggers at when you found out she got the glamorous role you said you would ace through," Chase said with a smirk.
"Uh-huh…but that's not the point! You know the scuffle that broke out two days ago? The one where two Slytherins and a Ravenclaw hurled curses at one another?"
"You sound like a country-club gossip," Lily said loudly.
Celeste ignored her. "Well, it turned out that she got hit in the crossfire! Her face is so deformed that it'll take Madame Pomfrey ages to put it back on right!"
Chase nodded her head slowly. "Ookay…bad for her. I mean, that's too bad. She did have a lot of potential of playing the role of a beautiful helplessly weak princess. But I still don't get why you're so into telling me this."
Celeste paused, as if torturing Chase before revealing the exuberantly wondrous secret that she was going to reveal. "Didn't you guess it already?"
"No," Chase said unenthusiastically, forming a distinct-looking autumn tree out of little square pieces of different-colored-and-flavored Jell-O onto a large, flat plate.
"C'mon, you're not even trying to guess!"
Sirius passed a bowl of cherry Jell-O to Chase, his eyes sparkling with interest. "Neat! But how will you form the trunk of the tree?"
Chase examined the selection of dessert items in front of her and picked a bar of milk chocolate. "What better art material than something that would stay on your hips forever," she jested in a sardonic tone, breaking the chocolate bar into small pieces.
"You're not listening to me!" Celeste said with a note of impatience.
"No, I'm not," Chase deadpanned.
"Chase!"
"Okay, okay," Chase grumbled, putting in the last pieces into her very realistic-looking food creation. She put in the last orange and yellow Jell-O 'leaves' that fell to the chocolate ground for a lasting effect. "She's out, and they're going to hold another audition for the part."
"No! The cast doesn't need another audition. It's too far into the rehearsals."
"Fine. Jessamine's in the hospital wing and you're the understudy."
"That's still not it!"
Chase shrugged. "Then what is?"
Celeste stood up. "Professor Trelawney decided that you would play the role of Princess Alzena!!!"
*****