Disclaimer: I do not own any if the final fantasy characters; belong to
square, etc, etc.
WARNING! Mild-ish spoilers for ff9 included!
Villains: The Aftermath, Part I!
Presenter: Hello, and welcome to the first instalment of Villains: the aftermath. In this four-part series, we will be discovering what happened to those not-so loveable characters of the Fantasy series. Today, I am in the house of Kuja, the villain from Final Fantasy IX. Kuja, Thank you for participating in our show, it's an honour to have you here.
*Cheering*
Kuja: Thank you, Thank you.
Presenter: Yes. So, Kuja -lets get down to business, what happened after you were freed from the Lifa Tree?
Kuja: Well, I spent a long time ion hospital at first, you know, recovering. Zidane was there too, and we talked a lot about things, my life, what I was going to do - and I realised I had no plans. I realised my whole way of life way wrong, and I didn't really know other way than evil.
Presenter: Oh, what a shame! What happened when you came out of hospital?
Kuja: Well, I went back to my desert palace for a while, just trying to lay low, you know, I wasn't exactly in people's favour, trying to destroy the crystal and all that. But, eventually the money was drying out - and I had no choice but to try and get a job.
Presenter: What happened?
Kuja: Everywhere I went doors were slammed in my face. People didn't trust me. I had a stint as a bodyguard for Cid, but I didn't really suit. That Eiko girl was everywhere, pestering me, and later Cid fired me for "chatting up" Hilda. I was only talking to her!
Presenter: *thinking* Still wasn't very wise, was it? Well, what can you expect from failed villains? He wasn't exactly cunning.
Kuja: So, I kept trying, and trying, but still nobody wanted to hire me. Eventually, the bills were piling up, and I fell into a state of depression. All alone in my draughty palace, the mages gone, I almost regretted turning Zorn and thorn into a raging beast. I was so alone, so hated, I felt so guilty for what I had done. They Didn't believe me when I said I was good again,
Presenter: *Blowing his nose* That is so sad. *looks at camera* People can change, don't you realise that! Cold-hearted monsters, see what you did to him!
Kuja: So, I got in touch with a counsellor, started going 3 times a week. And she suggested I start a business, seen as no-one would hire me. She asked me what I was good at. I didn't really know, evil plots were my game. So, I went away and thought, until I was hit by a brainwave!! There was one thing Gaia was missing! Presenter: Oh? What's that?
Kuja: THONGS!! *Pulls out a Red piece of material* Think about it! Gaia isn't really in with the hot lad-ees is it?? This will fix all of that! I designed my own myself, and it's so comfy you know, I just had to share them with everyone else!
Presenter: Oh, uhm.Ok then.*shudders at the thought of Freya wearing a thong*
Kuja: *starts pulling out a entire range of thongs* the winter collection is almost completed, with new ultra-stretchy elastic! *twangs the elastic* You hear the elasticy twang?! It's simply marvellous! My new Polka dot range is going down a treat too! They come in satin, silk, and for the saver, cotton.
Presenter: Oh, well.Err.How did the loneliness thing go anyway?
Kuja: Oh, that's the best part! The Mognet failed again, this time for good. So all the moogles were lonely too, and on the streets, so..
*Over 30 moogles pop up from behind the sofa wearing thongs*
Kuja: ..I took them in!! You see? They're my models! We've had shows in Dali and Treno already! The upcoming winter collection is all set for the Ice cavern!
*A moogle begins climbing all over "Presenter" Mike's hair, apparently making some kind of a nest*
Mike: Are these things.Tame??
Kuja: Oh, don't worry about Angel, she's just affectionate!
Mike: You didn't answer my question.
Kuja: Well.Maybe.
Mike: Well, I'm afraid that's all we have time for today! Seem you same time next week, where's we'll have ff6's kef- OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
*The camera is suddenly dropped as the cameraman tries to prise the moogle off Mike's nose. Kuja is heard laughing and ranting about a new feather style. More screaming is heard as the camera slides across the room*
30 minutes later..
*All is silent. A white moogle appears over the camera and taps the screen*
Moogle: Ku-po.
Villains: The Aftermath, Part I!
Presenter: Hello, and welcome to the first instalment of Villains: the aftermath. In this four-part series, we will be discovering what happened to those not-so loveable characters of the Fantasy series. Today, I am in the house of Kuja, the villain from Final Fantasy IX. Kuja, Thank you for participating in our show, it's an honour to have you here.
*Cheering*
Kuja: Thank you, Thank you.
Presenter: Yes. So, Kuja -lets get down to business, what happened after you were freed from the Lifa Tree?
Kuja: Well, I spent a long time ion hospital at first, you know, recovering. Zidane was there too, and we talked a lot about things, my life, what I was going to do - and I realised I had no plans. I realised my whole way of life way wrong, and I didn't really know other way than evil.
Presenter: Oh, what a shame! What happened when you came out of hospital?
Kuja: Well, I went back to my desert palace for a while, just trying to lay low, you know, I wasn't exactly in people's favour, trying to destroy the crystal and all that. But, eventually the money was drying out - and I had no choice but to try and get a job.
Presenter: What happened?
Kuja: Everywhere I went doors were slammed in my face. People didn't trust me. I had a stint as a bodyguard for Cid, but I didn't really suit. That Eiko girl was everywhere, pestering me, and later Cid fired me for "chatting up" Hilda. I was only talking to her!
Presenter: *thinking* Still wasn't very wise, was it? Well, what can you expect from failed villains? He wasn't exactly cunning.
Kuja: So, I kept trying, and trying, but still nobody wanted to hire me. Eventually, the bills were piling up, and I fell into a state of depression. All alone in my draughty palace, the mages gone, I almost regretted turning Zorn and thorn into a raging beast. I was so alone, so hated, I felt so guilty for what I had done. They Didn't believe me when I said I was good again,
Presenter: *Blowing his nose* That is so sad. *looks at camera* People can change, don't you realise that! Cold-hearted monsters, see what you did to him!
Kuja: So, I got in touch with a counsellor, started going 3 times a week. And she suggested I start a business, seen as no-one would hire me. She asked me what I was good at. I didn't really know, evil plots were my game. So, I went away and thought, until I was hit by a brainwave!! There was one thing Gaia was missing! Presenter: Oh? What's that?
Kuja: THONGS!! *Pulls out a Red piece of material* Think about it! Gaia isn't really in with the hot lad-ees is it?? This will fix all of that! I designed my own myself, and it's so comfy you know, I just had to share them with everyone else!
Presenter: Oh, uhm.Ok then.*shudders at the thought of Freya wearing a thong*
Kuja: *starts pulling out a entire range of thongs* the winter collection is almost completed, with new ultra-stretchy elastic! *twangs the elastic* You hear the elasticy twang?! It's simply marvellous! My new Polka dot range is going down a treat too! They come in satin, silk, and for the saver, cotton.
Presenter: Oh, well.Err.How did the loneliness thing go anyway?
Kuja: Oh, that's the best part! The Mognet failed again, this time for good. So all the moogles were lonely too, and on the streets, so..
*Over 30 moogles pop up from behind the sofa wearing thongs*
Kuja: ..I took them in!! You see? They're my models! We've had shows in Dali and Treno already! The upcoming winter collection is all set for the Ice cavern!
*A moogle begins climbing all over "Presenter" Mike's hair, apparently making some kind of a nest*
Mike: Are these things.Tame??
Kuja: Oh, don't worry about Angel, she's just affectionate!
Mike: You didn't answer my question.
Kuja: Well.Maybe.
Mike: Well, I'm afraid that's all we have time for today! Seem you same time next week, where's we'll have ff6's kef- OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
*The camera is suddenly dropped as the cameraman tries to prise the moogle off Mike's nose. Kuja is heard laughing and ranting about a new feather style. More screaming is heard as the camera slides across the room*
30 minutes later..
*All is silent. A white moogle appears over the camera and taps the screen*
Moogle: Ku-po.