**Author's Note: I, of course, do not own any of these characters. The story here is mine, though, so please don't take it without my permission. It's my first attempt at fanfic, so be gentle! :-)
*****
She couldn't sleep. Of course she couldn't sleep. There were too many things to think about. So much had happened. Tara's death. Evil Willow. Spike's soul. Spike. Oh, God. Spike. He got his soul. For her. Willingly. How is a person supposed to take that in? It all used to be so easy. Vampires were bad. It was her job to kill them. She was their law. Simple.
That's not true.
No, that wasn't true. It was never easy. She had loved Angel. He was a vamp, but he had a soul. That made it okay, right? Spike had no soul. He couldn't have really loved her. He was a monster. That's why she had never loved him.
Lies.
That's why she would never let herself love him. She knew all about the black and the white and the gray. Angel was the gray. Spike fit into the black. He always would. He was evil.
He has a soul.
Why? Why would he do that? Remorse for the attempted rape? No. Vamps didn't feel remorse.
Spike did.
Angel had loved her. When he lost his soul and reverted back to Angelus, that was gone. There was no love in an unsouled vamp.
Maybe he didn't love you as much as Spike.
Angelus would never have willingly sought his soul. It would ruin the life of a vamp. It would be a sentence to pain. It would be crazy.
Spike knew.
Spike did know. He had been there. He had seen what Angel went through. What was he thinking? How could he have sought out a soul?
He loves you.
It didn't make sense. There was no other explanation. Why else would he have done it? Even if he someway, somehow really loved her, didn't he see that she could never love him? It didn't matter if he had a soul.
It mattered with Angel.
Spike wasn't Angel. Spike was different.
Different? How?
Spike had tried to kill her over and over again. He had chained her to a wall. He had tried to rape her!
Spike protected Dawn. He fought at your side time after time. He made you feel.
Rape. He tried to rape her.
How was this so-called attempted rape all that different from your usual foreplay? Spike may have been wrong, but he felt so much remorse that he went through Hell to get his soul back. For you.
No. That wasn't an option. She couldn't think that way. It would be too hard.
He is rotting away down in that basement. He is half-insane. Because of you. He did such a huge thing for you, and how have you repaid him? You have ignored him. You have used him over and over again.
She had never asked him to get his soul back. She hadn't even known it was possible really.
But you pushed him in the right direction, didn't you? You used him to make yourself feel again. You let him service you, and then you threw him away. You knew he loved you, and you still treated him as flesh. You called him a monster. You told him that he was beneath you. All he wanted was to be worthy of your love. And you denied him that one thing. Why? Because you didn't feel it?
No.
No. Because you were so afraid to love and be left alone again that you cut your heart off.
The words of denial would no longer come. This is what had been keeping her awake at night. It was true. It was all true. Her Dad. Angel. Riley. Her Mom. They were all gone. She had loved all of them so much, and they just left her.
Spike never left. You bruised his body and battered his heart. He never left. He just stayed and put up with the abuse. Why? Because he loved you.
He left last summer.
He came back.
"He might not love me anymore."
He does.
*****
She couldn't sleep. Of course she couldn't sleep. There were too many things to think about. So much had happened. Tara's death. Evil Willow. Spike's soul. Spike. Oh, God. Spike. He got his soul. For her. Willingly. How is a person supposed to take that in? It all used to be so easy. Vampires were bad. It was her job to kill them. She was their law. Simple.
That's not true.
No, that wasn't true. It was never easy. She had loved Angel. He was a vamp, but he had a soul. That made it okay, right? Spike had no soul. He couldn't have really loved her. He was a monster. That's why she had never loved him.
Lies.
That's why she would never let herself love him. She knew all about the black and the white and the gray. Angel was the gray. Spike fit into the black. He always would. He was evil.
He has a soul.
Why? Why would he do that? Remorse for the attempted rape? No. Vamps didn't feel remorse.
Spike did.
Angel had loved her. When he lost his soul and reverted back to Angelus, that was gone. There was no love in an unsouled vamp.
Maybe he didn't love you as much as Spike.
Angelus would never have willingly sought his soul. It would ruin the life of a vamp. It would be a sentence to pain. It would be crazy.
Spike knew.
Spike did know. He had been there. He had seen what Angel went through. What was he thinking? How could he have sought out a soul?
He loves you.
It didn't make sense. There was no other explanation. Why else would he have done it? Even if he someway, somehow really loved her, didn't he see that she could never love him? It didn't matter if he had a soul.
It mattered with Angel.
Spike wasn't Angel. Spike was different.
Different? How?
Spike had tried to kill her over and over again. He had chained her to a wall. He had tried to rape her!
Spike protected Dawn. He fought at your side time after time. He made you feel.
Rape. He tried to rape her.
How was this so-called attempted rape all that different from your usual foreplay? Spike may have been wrong, but he felt so much remorse that he went through Hell to get his soul back. For you.
No. That wasn't an option. She couldn't think that way. It would be too hard.
He is rotting away down in that basement. He is half-insane. Because of you. He did such a huge thing for you, and how have you repaid him? You have ignored him. You have used him over and over again.
She had never asked him to get his soul back. She hadn't even known it was possible really.
But you pushed him in the right direction, didn't you? You used him to make yourself feel again. You let him service you, and then you threw him away. You knew he loved you, and you still treated him as flesh. You called him a monster. You told him that he was beneath you. All he wanted was to be worthy of your love. And you denied him that one thing. Why? Because you didn't feel it?
No.
No. Because you were so afraid to love and be left alone again that you cut your heart off.
The words of denial would no longer come. This is what had been keeping her awake at night. It was true. It was all true. Her Dad. Angel. Riley. Her Mom. They were all gone. She had loved all of them so much, and they just left her.
Spike never left. You bruised his body and battered his heart. He never left. He just stayed and put up with the abuse. Why? Because he loved you.
He left last summer.
He came back.
"He might not love me anymore."
He does.