**Author's Note: Still don't own these characters. Still practicing my dialogue skills. :-)
*****
"Now, remember, just let me do the talking. It'll be fine. I promise."
Buffy could only hope that her assurances sounded believable to Spike. How was she going to explain this to Dawn and Willow? Or Xander? He was already so angry with her. She hadn't wanted to kill Anya, but it was her job. Why couldn't he see that? She was the Slayer first, and she was their friend second. That was how it was. How it had to be.
"Spike?"
Why wouldn't he talk to her? All the way home he had been so silent. She had thought that he would improve once they were away from that basement. Oh well, at least he wasn't crying and ranting incoherently anymore. Oh no. They were there. Shouldn't the walk have taken longer? Maybe she should have talked to Dawn and Will about this before. Too late now.
"Dawn? Willow? Anybody home?"
Willow walked in from the kitchen carrying a glass of soda. She stopped as soon as she saw them. A look of hesitancy came over her face as her eyes clouded with confusion.
"Oh, hey, Buffy. And Spike. So, uh, what's up? Is there some badness going on? Should I call Xander?"
Willow stopped talking and waited for Buffy's answer. It was obvious that there was more she wanted to say but was afraid to. Everyone had been like that since the Anya situation. They were all afraid to talk to her. It was just like before, when they had brought her back. All they had ever really seen was their friend first and the Slayer second. That was all they had wanted to see. Well, now they knew.
"No, Will. Everything's okay. It's just..well, Spike is going to be staying here for awhile. Until he can get back on his feet and all."
Willow's eyes shifted in surprise to the vamp. He was still silent, caught in his own thoughts. Suddenly she grew thoughtful. She looked at him more closely. Buffy knew what was coming. She had to get Spike out of here. She had to spare him more pain.
"Hey, look. I'm going to get Spike upstairs and settled in. We can talk while he's washing up, okay? Why don't you get Dawn in here? Thanks, Willow!"
Quickly Buffy herded Spike up the stairs and into the guest bedroom. She couldn't deal with those questions right now. Well, she knew that she had to, but Spike didn't have to witness it. She wanted him to feel welcome, and she would make sure that that is exactly what happened. But, first, he needed a shower.
"Okay, Spike. Here are some clean towels and a pair of sweatpants. I want you to go take a shower and put these pants on. Leave your things on in the bathroom, and I'll wash them later, okay?"
Spike still just stared at her. She knew he didn't mean to, but he was making this harder. Well, maybe she deserved for it to be harder. The life of a Slayer was never easy, was it? Why should this be any different? Buffy sighed as she led the silent vamp to the bathroom. She just wanted to go downstairs and get the Willow/Dawn talk over with. She would worry about Xander later.
"NO!"
She jumped, startled by his hoarse cry. Spike was standing in the doorway of the bathroom, eyes wide. His eyes. She could see his soul in his eyes now. How had she missed it before? The look in those eyes right now was pure torment. Something was tearing him apart as he stood there. Her eyes shifted to see what he was looking at. The bathroom. Oh, God. The attack. He was reliving the attempted rape. She had to stop him.
"Spike? Spike, listen to me! Hey, look at me."
The urgency in Buffy's voice must have reached him because he turned his gaze to her face. The bitterness and regret were evident in his words.
"Buffy. Oh, God. I can't..I shouldn't be here. I don't deserve this. Your kindness. After what I did. You were right. I'm a monster. Evil. Bad man. I loved you so. Hurt you. Please. I have to go."
He tried to walk past her, but she grabbed him by the arm. She couldn't do this. It was killing her to see him this way. He needed someone to help him, and it was up to her to be that someone. She held his eyes with her own.
"No, Spike. Don't leave. It's okay. The bathroom..I'm sorry. I should have thought. There's another bathroom downstairs. It's not as nice as this one, but it's..different. Please. Stay. Look, I know that what happened here was a mistake. I know you didn't mean to hurt me. Really. It's okay. Let's start again. Clean slate. You'll be Spike. I'll be Buffy. What we won't be is the Slayer and a vamp, okay? Spike? What do you think?"
For a long moment she wasn't certain that he would answer her at all. He had visibly calmed down, at least. She hoped that this silence thing wasn't going to last too long. It would drive her crazy within the week. Her gaze fell. Just when she was about to turn away, he spoke. His words were tinged with the faintest hint of the old Spike's sarcasm.
"Where'd you get those sweatpants, luv? Find a replacement for me already?"
*****
"Now, remember, just let me do the talking. It'll be fine. I promise."
Buffy could only hope that her assurances sounded believable to Spike. How was she going to explain this to Dawn and Willow? Or Xander? He was already so angry with her. She hadn't wanted to kill Anya, but it was her job. Why couldn't he see that? She was the Slayer first, and she was their friend second. That was how it was. How it had to be.
"Spike?"
Why wouldn't he talk to her? All the way home he had been so silent. She had thought that he would improve once they were away from that basement. Oh well, at least he wasn't crying and ranting incoherently anymore. Oh no. They were there. Shouldn't the walk have taken longer? Maybe she should have talked to Dawn and Will about this before. Too late now.
"Dawn? Willow? Anybody home?"
Willow walked in from the kitchen carrying a glass of soda. She stopped as soon as she saw them. A look of hesitancy came over her face as her eyes clouded with confusion.
"Oh, hey, Buffy. And Spike. So, uh, what's up? Is there some badness going on? Should I call Xander?"
Willow stopped talking and waited for Buffy's answer. It was obvious that there was more she wanted to say but was afraid to. Everyone had been like that since the Anya situation. They were all afraid to talk to her. It was just like before, when they had brought her back. All they had ever really seen was their friend first and the Slayer second. That was all they had wanted to see. Well, now they knew.
"No, Will. Everything's okay. It's just..well, Spike is going to be staying here for awhile. Until he can get back on his feet and all."
Willow's eyes shifted in surprise to the vamp. He was still silent, caught in his own thoughts. Suddenly she grew thoughtful. She looked at him more closely. Buffy knew what was coming. She had to get Spike out of here. She had to spare him more pain.
"Hey, look. I'm going to get Spike upstairs and settled in. We can talk while he's washing up, okay? Why don't you get Dawn in here? Thanks, Willow!"
Quickly Buffy herded Spike up the stairs and into the guest bedroom. She couldn't deal with those questions right now. Well, she knew that she had to, but Spike didn't have to witness it. She wanted him to feel welcome, and she would make sure that that is exactly what happened. But, first, he needed a shower.
"Okay, Spike. Here are some clean towels and a pair of sweatpants. I want you to go take a shower and put these pants on. Leave your things on in the bathroom, and I'll wash them later, okay?"
Spike still just stared at her. She knew he didn't mean to, but he was making this harder. Well, maybe she deserved for it to be harder. The life of a Slayer was never easy, was it? Why should this be any different? Buffy sighed as she led the silent vamp to the bathroom. She just wanted to go downstairs and get the Willow/Dawn talk over with. She would worry about Xander later.
"NO!"
She jumped, startled by his hoarse cry. Spike was standing in the doorway of the bathroom, eyes wide. His eyes. She could see his soul in his eyes now. How had she missed it before? The look in those eyes right now was pure torment. Something was tearing him apart as he stood there. Her eyes shifted to see what he was looking at. The bathroom. Oh, God. The attack. He was reliving the attempted rape. She had to stop him.
"Spike? Spike, listen to me! Hey, look at me."
The urgency in Buffy's voice must have reached him because he turned his gaze to her face. The bitterness and regret were evident in his words.
"Buffy. Oh, God. I can't..I shouldn't be here. I don't deserve this. Your kindness. After what I did. You were right. I'm a monster. Evil. Bad man. I loved you so. Hurt you. Please. I have to go."
He tried to walk past her, but she grabbed him by the arm. She couldn't do this. It was killing her to see him this way. He needed someone to help him, and it was up to her to be that someone. She held his eyes with her own.
"No, Spike. Don't leave. It's okay. The bathroom..I'm sorry. I should have thought. There's another bathroom downstairs. It's not as nice as this one, but it's..different. Please. Stay. Look, I know that what happened here was a mistake. I know you didn't mean to hurt me. Really. It's okay. Let's start again. Clean slate. You'll be Spike. I'll be Buffy. What we won't be is the Slayer and a vamp, okay? Spike? What do you think?"
For a long moment she wasn't certain that he would answer her at all. He had visibly calmed down, at least. She hoped that this silence thing wasn't going to last too long. It would drive her crazy within the week. Her gaze fell. Just when she was about to turn away, he spoke. His words were tinged with the faintest hint of the old Spike's sarcasm.
"Where'd you get those sweatpants, luv? Find a replacement for me already?"