Title: So You Wanna Date A Duck?
Author(s): RnbwRvrGrl (Sparkle) and Digital Tempest
Rating: PG-13, we guess
Summary: Two very bored authors bring you an odd fic that came from an MSN
messenger conversation. It's odd, extremely odd. You have been properly warned.
^_^
Authors' Notes: Don't kill us we were just having fun. Flame if you must but
Flames toast s'mores!
-x-
-Sparkle stands alone in the room. There are muffled cries of protest coming from a cage covered with a blanket.-
Sparkle: *sighs* I would like to apologize earlier for my comrades. It seems that they're all mad. Just for the record, Luis is fine. Tempest didn't hurt him, and we finally convinced him he didn't have to press charges against us as long as we let him torture Tempest. Methods of torture are unknown.
-Cut scene of Tempest (from last chapter) chasing Luis down the hallway throwing her whizzing ninja disks at him. Luis screams and falls when they hit his back. He somehow manages to get up and continues running. Tempest catches up with him and bulldogs him to the floor with a sickening crunch. Tempest jumps on his back and starts executing the crossface crippler, which is a move she learned watching wrestling.-
Tempest (from the covered cage): You'll never take me alive. I'll turn him green! I swear to the goddess I'll turn him the ugliest shade of puke green that my nimble fingers can type on the magical keyboard. And I'll give him a hand in the middle of his forehead. If he lays one slimy finger on me, I'll break his face. I'll do it. *continues to screams threats*
Sparkle: *miffed* How in the hell did she get out of those chains? *claps for the lackeys* I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO BIND HER TIGHTLY.
Lackey Rock: We did! We even double chained her -- all of them -- like you told us to.
-Cut scene to Sparkle leading Tempest, Drake, and Cake Eater through a dark alley. Suddenly, Lackey Rock and Lackey Jericho with the help of Lackey Hunter jump the unsuspecting girls. Sparkle laughs maniacally.-
Sparkle: Get out of my sight. *the lackeys run* What good are lackeys if they can't even keep one girl chained down? Well, she can't get out of that cage, so I'll continue. All the TMNTs are fine as well, but for Drake's impudence, I've agreed to let the Turtles torture her. Methods of torture also unknown.
Drake (from the covered cage): You can't do this to me! If I had my sword, you'd be in big trouble Sparkle! They'll never beat me. Mwahahahahaha! How does turtle soup for dinner sound? *continues with evil tirade*
Sparkle: She's loose too? This is Tempest's doing. *sweatdrop* Well as long as they can't get out of that cage… I'm safe right? Right. And finally, for CakeEater's excessive kicking habit, I'm sacrificing her to the ffnet god. That'll teach her.
Cake Eater: It's my only means of defense. *sniffles*
Sparkle: *ignores all the girls* Judgment has been passed. It has been written and thus will be enforced. Lackeys, take them away.
-Lackeys run in the room to cart the girls out, but a small figure emerges from underneath the covered caged. It's Cake Eater! They've pushed her through the bars.-
Cake Eater: No, not Cake Eater. It's QUAIL GIRL!
Sparkle: o_O;; This is the punishment I get for burning Tempest's letter, isn't it?
-Quail Girl gives one Lackey Jericho a superkick to the shin, he screams in pain and falls. The other Lackey Rock's eyes grow large as he lets go of the cage and runs as fast as he can.-
Sparkle: Hey, where are you going? You're supposed to SAVE me! *tries to hide under the sofa, but Quail Girl has no problem getting to her* Ah! Stop! Don't kick me. What do you want?
Cake Eater: LET TEMPEST AND DRAKE GO!
Drake & Tempest: Woo! Way to go! You tell her!
Sparkle: But they'll KEEL me. *eyes start to water as she hands over the key reluctantly*
-Cake Eater lets Drake and Tempest go. Tempest is still in her ninja outfit and Drake is now donning the helmet of Valmar, which is a helmet with horns coming out of it.-
Sparkle: *backs away as all three girls advance on her* Come on, now. I was just kidding *laughs weakly* Let's be friend! Let's be friend! *sniffles*
Tempest: You were going to give me to Luis. *furrows eyebrows*
Drake: *deadpan* And you were going to give me to those damn Turtles.
Cake Eater: And you were talking about sacrificing me to the ffnet gods. Hayan?!
Sparkle: *stutters* You don't understand. I'm trying to run a successful establishment here. I mean, give me a break you guys. *sniffle* Do you really think I would let anything happen to you all?
All three girls: YES!!
Drake: You did get Ken kidnapped.
Tempest: *says knowingly* AND Adam is missing. Even though, we're pretty sure we know where he's at.
-Cut scene to Adam in Sparkle's house trying to chew through his chains.-
Sparkle: Okay, I'm sorry. *says happily* Be cheerful you girls! Today is going to be a good day!
Tempest: We won't kill you this chapter, but soon… *promises*
Sparkle: *gulps* Let's try not to be so negative, ne? Anyway… *stops short when she hears a knock on the door*
-Sparkle and Tempest walk to the door and opens it to see another girl standing there.-
Tempest: Eh? More guests Sparkle?
Sparkle: *confused* I didn't invite her. I don't know who she is. *turns to the girl* Who are you?
Girl: *cheeky grin* I'm Joyful.
Sparkle: *miffed* I didn't ask you HOW you were. I asked --
Tempest: *whaps Sparkle* Damnit woman, I think she's trying to tell you she IS Joyful. You know she's a reviewer. You're in her dagblasted story!
Sparkle: *eyes light up* Oh yeah! But what are you doing here?
Joyful: *throws suitcases in the room* I'm here to be in the fic.
Sparkle: o_O;; Wha?
Tempest: She said she's --
Sparkle: I heard what she said! I'm sorry, but the place is a bit full. Come back later. *slams door*
Tempest: *glares* How rude, Sparkle!
Sparkle: *glares back* I'm already dealing with your psychotic tendencies. Do you really think I need more psychos in the fic?
-Both girls start to argue, but quickly jump back as the door is broke down with an unruffled Joy still standing there.-
Joyful: I said I've come here to be in the fic.
Sparkle: *_* Er… okay then… who am I to argue? *scampers away*
Tempest: ehehehehe… she broke the door down. I am amused. ^_^
Cake Eater: Hey look! It's Joyful! YAY!
-Sparkle proceeds with then introduction as Tempest gets the lackeys to fix the door all while glomping to Lackey Rock's leg. Finally, Sparkle drags Tempest away from Lackey Rock.-
Tempest: No fair. Lemme go! *tries to run after the lackey, but Sparkle holds on to her firmly* You never let me have any fun. ~_~
Sparkle: Anyhow… today's guest…
-Tempest, Drake, and Joyful look hopeful, and Sparkle begins to sweat nervously.-
Tempest: *asks expectantly* Is it…?
Sparkle: *evil grin* Oh, it is!
Tempest: IT IS?
Sparkle: YEP! It's GOLDBERG! *snickers*
Tempest: Dean! YAYAYAYAY…er… wait… *deadpan* Goldberg?
Sparkle: *snickers more*
Tempest: *says to Joyful* You know, I'm starting to think she hates me. She's a madwoman. But it's okay… I've survived this long. ~_~ *goes to the closet that magically appears out of nowhere.* I'm not bitter. Of course not.
-Everyone watches as Tempest pulls out a violin case. She sits on the floor and opens it.-
Sparkle: Tempest? What are you doing? *sweatdrop*
Tempest: *says to no one in particular* You'd think because I was her online bestest friend, she'd try to make me happy. Is that too much to ask?
Sparkle: Tempest…?
-Tempest pulls out what looks like half a gun.-
Tempest: *continues to mumble insanely*
Sparkle: *says to the other girls* She watches way too many mafia movies. *sweats* Everyone please inch slowly towards the door as we don't want to upset the Tempest.
-Tempest produces another half of a gun.-
Drake: We're all going to die aren't we? *glares at Sparkle* This is all your fault. *lunges at Sparkle who jumps behind the couch*
Sparkle: I CAN FIX THIS! *starts typing on magical keyboard*
-Tempest's gun disappears with a *pop* and a loud protest of, "HEY!" from the Tempest herself.-
Tempest: *shrugs* Eh, makes no difference. I've got at least 20 other ways to kill you. *opens her trusty messenger bag and pulls out bubblegum, a picture of her boyfriend, a paperclip, and some glitter body lotion*
Joyful: *confused* What is she going to do with that stuff?
Sparkle: *backs away and says softly* Just continue to back away slowly. I've seen this episode of McGyver before. Not only that, but I've seen this in action. She's going to try to make a bomb.
-Cut scene to another silly fic that Tempest and Sparkle did together where Tempest blew up A.J. McLean's house (with aforementioned material) in the name of justice. A.J. is still missing, and everyone thinks Tempest has him.-
Tempest: *mutters*
Sparkle: COME ON TEMPEST! I WAS JUST JOKING. BESIDES IF YOU BLOW ME UP, WHO'S GOING TO WRITE THE FIC?!?!?
-Drake, Joyful, and Cake Eater all start to raise a hand, but Sparkle chases them away cause she's probably the tallest girl in the room.-
Tempest: Hmmm… you might be right. *thinks* I guess it can wait until last chapter. Bring on the boy!
Sparkle: *phew* Alright then, everyone take your places. *claps for a Lackey*
Lackey Jericho: You rang?
Sparkle: Did you hide all the perishables?
Lackey Jericho: Perishables, goddess?
Tempest: GODDESS? What the -- ? *glares at Sparkle*
Sparkle: *ignores Tempest* The food. Has it been secured?
Lackey J: Oh! Yes, you know you could depend on me cause *extends arms* I AM THE LIVING LEGEND -- *goes into song and dance* YOU KNOW I GOTCHA! YEAH! BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!
-Tempest, Cake Eater, Joyful, and Drake all o_O;; at Lackey J.-
Sparkle: *whaps Lackey J* Good God! STOP THAT HORRIBLE RACKET. *Lackey J stops singing* Thank you! Dismissed. Now, wheel in the boy!
-Goldberg is wheeled in. He has on a straitjacket and a mask that is scarily similar to Hannibal Lecter from "The Silence of the Lamb" and "Hannibal."-
Tempest: *kablink* What… What did you do to him? Why does Goldberg have on a Hannibal Lecter mask? Is he dangerous?
Goldberg: *says in scary voice through mask* Is that Sparkle? Hello Sparkle, I've been waiting for you.
Sparkle: Don't talk to me. You nearly bit a chunk out of my calf muscle.
Joyful: He tried to eat you?
Cake Eater: *frowns* We're all going to be eaten alive aren't we?
Drake: *nods* I'm afraid so my brave comrade.
Sparkle: *says in a sugary-sweet voice* Now, if I let you go, you have to promise you won't bite us. If you bite us, I will not hesitate to let Tempest unleash the power of the golden beating slipper of painful fanfiction death.
Goldberg: *shivers and nods*
-Sparkle begins to set Goldberg free.-
Tempest: I HAVE THE POWER! *hops around* THE SLIPPER! THE SLIPPER! I am quite proficient with THE SLIPPER! THE SLIPPER is to be feared.
-Cut scene to Tempest beating an unknown, unrecognizable fanfiction character to a grease stain on the carpet. The slipper is glowing and making weird screaming noises.-
Drake: Sparkle! Can you stop with all the cut scenes? They're kinda scary. Tempest, you're right mad, aren't you?
Tempest: We're all mad here in ffnet land. *sings in a silly voice* Some are just madder than others are.
Sparkle: There we go. He's all free now. Come sit with us. :)
-Goldberg sits between Tempest and Sparkle. Tempest moves away a little as she doesn't want to get bit.-
Sparkle: Do you know why you're here?
Goldberg: *thinks* Because the nice man at the 7-11 said he'd give me a slushy if I got in the car.
Tempest: Bahahaha, you kidnapped him at a 7-11? Sparkle, how could you?
Sparkle: *rolls eyes* Okay, that's not the reason you're here. You're here because we're going to find you a girlfriend. We know a goalie's life can be quite lonely. We're going to introduce you to them… *points out to ffnet land*
Goldberg: *confused* Who?
Sparkle: THEM *points*
Goldberg: I don't see anybody.
Sparkle: *grumbles*
Joyful: If you concentrate really hard and stare at that one banana shaped spot on the wall over there, you will see them.
Sparkle: How did she know that?
Tempest: *shrugs* I don't know.
Sparkle: Anyhow, we're here to hook you up with a girl…
Tempest: *opens mouth to speak*
Sparkle: Don't you dare say it.
Tempest: FINE! BE A ONE-SIDED FASCIST!
Sparkle: *blink*
Drake: You have no idea what a fascist is do you? *smirks*
Sparkle: Not a clue. I vaguely remember this from high school…?
Tempest: Yeah, high school. *rolls eyes* Can we hurry this up? Season premiere of Smallville tonight, and I ain't missing that for nobody!
Sparkle: Jesus, there's a multi-faceted fanatic in every bunch, ne? Okay, since Joyful is the new guest that invited herself. We'll let her ask the first question. Take it away Joyful, and please let's try to avoid the gay question. *glares at Tempest and Drake who have preoccupied themselves with trying to figure out where Sparkle has hidden the boy stash and the magical keyboard*
Tempest: *says to Drake* Sparkle's not too bright. I bet the keyboard is under the couch. What do you think?
Drake: *eyes the couch* I think you could be right.
Sparkle: I can still hear you. I swear those two are long lost sisters or something. And for your information, the keyboard is not under the couch. Thank you very much!
Drake: She lies. *knowing nod*
Tempest: Definitely. Now, we gotta find the boy stash!
Drake: If I were a Sparkle, where would I hide a boy?
Tempest & Drake together: Hmmm…
Cake Eater: *becomes interested in the conversation and adds* What's an Irish Traveler?
-Their conversation becomes muddled as they put their heads together and talk. Obviously speaking of exceptional evils and how they're going to cause Mayhem in this chapter.-
Sparkle: *frightened* Maybe if we just continue, they'll forget about their plans… Anyhow, Joyful… take it away… And try not to snicker evilly. That only makes me even more nervous.
Joyful: *suppresses an evil snicker* Okay. Goldie, hi there --
Sparkle: Woo, would you look at the time. Here *hands Joyful a clipboard* Ask him straight from the provided list.
Tempest: Don't do it! That list of questions is evil.
Joyful: Hey, that's not fair. *pouts*
Sparkle: I like to think of this as a dictatorship. *shitty grin*
Joyful: *reads over questions* WHO WROTE THIS CRAP?
Everyone: SPARKLE!!
Sparkle: *blushes*
Joyful: You know you're real corny. Who cares if he wears boxers or briefs?
Tempest: *HAYAN* SHE ACTUALLY HAS THAT QUESTION ON THE LIST? Bahahahahahaha…
Goldberg: *nonplussed* I wear briefs.
Drake: You wear tighty whiteys? *howls in laughter*
Tempest: Excuse me while I burn my ears off with acid. =\
Cake Eater: Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie? Pretty nails, the ivory cushion that moisturizes.
Goldberg: o_O;; Does she have ticks?
Tempest: Of course not, you evil boy.
Sparkle: *ugh* I'm taking over. Excuse me here. First real question, what kind of woman do you like?
Goldberg: The ones of the female variety.
Tempest: We haven't gotten a decent answer on this one since Adam, and I swear he was lying.
Drake: Ken had a decent answer.
Tempest: Oh yeah. I keep forgetting about Ken since he's now officially Delia's love slave. I still can't believe she got him kidnapped. When are we going to get Kenny back?
Goldberg: Ken's been kidnapped?
Sparkle: *sweatdrop* Ignore them. They don't know what they're talking about.
Drake: Yes we do!! *starts to pull out the incriminating photographs* See..
-Drake shows Goldberg a picture of Ken tied down in velvet ropes and a girl in a catwoman suit.-
Tempest: That's the evil girl who did it.
Joyful: *tears up* HOW COULD YOU SPARKLE?
Cake Eater: *pats Joyful* So let your soul glow!
Tempest: You'll probably get Goldberg here kidnapped too. It's been a while since someone came up missing.
Sparkle: *irritated* He is NOT going to be kidnapped. So can we go on? *sighs as Tempest shrugs* Physical characteristics in 10 words or less and don't you dare use the word boobs…
Tempest: Boy, someone is a little annoyed. Woo!
Goldberg: Long hair, long shapely legs, nice body, and b-- *stops shorts when he sees all the girls glaring* AND MUY GRANDE CHICHIS.
-All the girls whap him because they're smarter than him.-
Tempest: That was 11 words, and you shall die now… for you have mentioned breasts. *raises hand and THE SLIPPER descends from the heaven*
Goldberg: But she said don't say boobs. She didn't say I couldn't say Chichis.
Tempest: *growls*
Sparkle: You're about three seconds from being a grease stain on the carpet. *looks around* Wait a minute? Aren't there some people missing?
-Cake Eater, Joyful, and Drake are no where to be found. Sparkle hears some arguing under the couch.-
Drake (O.C.): I asked to play with it first. Gimme that!
Joyful (O.C.): You shoulda used it last chapter. It's my turn!
Cake Eater (O.C.): Nooo! It's my turn! Uh-huh! Uh-huh!
Drake & Joyful: You got to play with it last chapter.
Cake Eater: So? This is new chapter and I haven't played with it yet.
Tempest: *pauses from killing Goldberg* I knew you had it hidden under the couch. You think you're so witty. Well let me tell you something Ms. Sparkle. You can never outwit the Tempest. *winks*
Sparkle: *eye twitches* YOU THREE GET OFF FROM UNDER THIS COUCH AND PUT THAT DAMNABLE KEYBOARD DOWN.
-The girls ignore her and continue to squabble. Suddenly, the room starts spinning and "Time Warp" from Rocky Horror picture show starts playing.-
Tempest: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!!
Sparkle: *gulps* I don't like the look of this. They're going insane under that couch.
-Sparkle realizes she's talking to herself as Tempest is under the couch now arguing with the girls.-
Sparkle: Too many short people in this fic…
Goldberg: Hey baby. Hows 'bout me and you… yanno?
Sparkle: *scared* No, I don't know.
Goldberg: *slips an arm around Sparkle's shoulder* Oh… you know… *wiggles eyebrows*
-Suddenly the lights dim and "Let's Get It On" begins to play. Evil snickering can be heard underneath the couch.-
Sparkle: They would agree on something like this *grumbles as Goldberg pulls her closer*
-Goldberg's clothes magically disappear and he's sitting in nothing but his tightey whiteys and a cape.-
Sparkle: *screams* Okay! WHICH ONE OF YOU HELLIONS JUST DID THAT?
Goldberg: So how about it?
Sparkle: NICK! NICK!
Goldbreg: *bewildered* My name isn't Nick. I'm Greg Goldberg. Superstar Goalie. I think we should get married.
Sparkle: NICK IF YOU'RE UP THERE. GOOD GOD! HELP ME!
Nick(O.C.): *says in a resounding, godlike voice* I HEAR YOUR CRIES MY CHILD.
Sparkle: HELP ME!
Nick(O.C.): *says in normal voice* What's in it for me?
Sparkle: WHATEVER YOU WANT JUST MAKE THIS CHAPTER END!
Nick(O.C.): heh… heh… anything?
Sparkle: YES! YES! YES!
Nick(O.C.): Even a certain ninja disk wielding cutie?
Sparkle: C'mon Nick! You know Tempest would kill me.
Tempest: You're damn skippy I will, and Nick you'd better not --
Nick: Say it! Or I won't!
Sparkle: YES!
Tempest: YOU BOTH ARE SO DEAD!
-The room fades to black. Nick has been ended the chapter.-
Nick (O.C.): Mwahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa *laughter fades*
*
Sorry it took so long to update. I was out of town, and Tempest went out of town as well. I'm sorry this is so thrown together, but I'm still a little tired for a long trip. I know I didn't do Goldie justice *sniffles* but I was supposed to have this up before Smallville came on, but no luck. Sorry, Temp. =\ Next chapter will be better. Promise. Once again mission incomplete. O'RIGHT! -- Sparks