We Sleep With Everyone (Saiyuki Style)
By Eline (Kanzeon on ff.net)
(Yeah, it's mostly yaoi with weirdness along the way--though I never get warnings for het fics oddly enough. Spoilers . . . right, there are spoilers. Spoilers for anyone who hasn't read the manga, the Gaiden, watched the anime and the movie Requiem. And spoilers for anyone who has not had a pervy thought or two about the characters once in a while.)
"We Sleep With Everyone (Saiyuki style)"
A.k.a. Eline entertains herself:
*spotlight on the whole cast of Saiyuki, most of whom appear pissed off, worried or homicidal*
Gojyo: Someone tell me why we're doing this?
Eline: *from backstage* Two words. Nicotine withdrawal.
Gojyo: *sweats* Gotcha.
Sung to the mangled tune of "Love Changes Everything" from "Aspects of Love" by Andrew Lloyd Webber and the spoofed lyrics from "Forbidden Broadway" by Gerard Alessandrini.
Kougaiji: *singing in an extremely flat voice*
I--I sleep with everyone,
Sleep with Doku, sleep with Nii.
(Die, you lousy excuse for a fanfic author!)
Yaone: Say it isn't so!
Dokugakuji: *resigned*
I--I sleep with everyone,
With my mother--
Gojyo: *joins in* And my aniki.
Dokugakuji: That's not funny, you bitch!
Gojyo: *smirks*
I--I sleep with everyone,
While I'm lusting after Hakkai . . .
Hakkai: *winks* Later, Gojyo . . .
Sanzo: *in a tone that is not as flat as it is in fact P.O.ed and sung through gritted teeth*
And I--I sleep with everyone,
With H--*chokes*--Homura,
And the entire Tenkai.
(The fanfic author will die. The fanfic author *must* die . . .)
Homura: *using that special emphasis he reserves for Sanzo* Konzen . . .
Goku: Hands off!
Everyone: Let's sneak behind the scenes for a quickie priest sandwich with rye!
*Someone pulls up the backdrop to reveal Gojyo, Zenon and Sanzo going at it like bunnies* *much bitch-slapping ensues*
Hakkai: *sadly*
I--I sleep with everyone,
With Gojyo, and my sister too.
Gojyo: Say--say did I sleep with you?
Shien: Hmmm, I don't think so . . .
Gojyo: *grins* But I'm free next Tuesday, are you?
Hakkai: *steps on Gojyo's foot*
Homura and Nii: Hey, I'd better sleep with you, to make sure I didn't miss you.
Everyone: And we all sleep with everyone, one by one and two by two . . .
Kami-Sama: Why not a threesome while we're at it?
Sanzo: Fu--I mean over my dead body!
Kami-Sama: Necrophilia? Kinky . . .
Everyone: Everybody gets some, even Kanzeon Bosatsu!
Hakkai: Author-san, we think you need to stop listening to those musicals for a while . . .
Eline: *wearing the semi-deranged grin of the sleep-deprived*
[Refrain]
Gyokumen: *purrs*
I--I screwed with everyone,
But I think you
Might have guessed that too.
Everyone: Spare us the details!
Litouten: *evil smirk*
I--I screwed everyone,
Just to further
My twisted schemes.
Everyone: *thinking the same thoughts about certain scenes from the Gaiden* Ewww . . . Squick!
Homura: *wearing that evil knowing smile that he always does when he's plotting something*
I--I screwed with everyone,
From most of my subordinates--
Everyone: *cuts in* Right down to Mary Sue . . .
Homura: Okay, so I had *one* momentary lapse of judgement with Rinrei . . .
Everyone: Duh. We know she had other . . . things that made up for her lack of a tangible personality and you hadn't seen a girl before at that time, but *honestly* . . .
Dougan: *totally off-key*
I--I screwed up my life,
Just to be by my beloved Sanzo-sama's side.
Sanzo: Get a life. Better yet, get singing lessons.
Everyone: Let's all go backstage for the Sanzo-uke ride . . .
Sanzo: *glares at fanfic author*
*cut to the meeting of the Unofficial Sanzo Fanclub, where Homura is arm-wrestling Dougan for the right to be seme to Sanzo in the next fanfic while Goku, Psychotic-Goku-Without-A-Limiter, Nii and everyone else in the cast looks on* *it eventually degenerates into a mass bitch-slapping session*
Konzen: *to say that he was angry would be to say that Everest is an average-sized mountain*
I--I got screwed by everyone,
From my perverted bitch of an aunt/uncle/whatever--
Everyone: *chimes in* And we heard you were into monkeys too . . .
Konzen: That perverted bitch put you guys up to this, didn't she?
Eline: Atchoo!
Konzen: The *other* pervy bitch.
Kanzeon Bosatsu: Atchoo!
Konzen: Thank you.
Minor character #62: Hey--hey, did I sleep with you?
Kenren: *checks the notches on his bedpost* Hmmmm, I don't think so . . .
Konzen: But I don't want to sleep with Tentei too!
Homura: *polishes his Really Big Sword* One more reason to wage war on Heaven . . .
Tenpou and Psychotic-Goku-Without-A-Limiter: Hey I'd better screw around with you, to make sure I didn't miss you.
Everyone: *chorus* And we all sleep with everyone, from the Gaiden to every non-canon anime episode . . .
Tenpou: Now that would be *some* crossover . . .
Everyone: Because this series is actually about emotionally fucked-up bishounen with angst overload!
Kanzeon Bosatsu: But that's why you love it, right? *winks*
Lirin, Kon, Yoh, Meihou and Very-Young-Goku: Ne, can we take off these earplugs now?
Kougaiji: No, not until we're safely away from this accursed fanfic . . .
Eline: And that's all folks! *falls over* Zzzzz . . .
* * * * * * * * * * *
Hakkai: We would like to make a disclaimer . . .
Gojyo: She was holding our cigarette supplies hostage! (How else did you think *Sanzo* would ever get mixed up in this?)
Hakkai: And so we are not responsible for any nosebleeds that occurred during the reading of this fic . . .
Kougaiji: After all that crap was over, I had the strangest urge to take up smoking and drink copious amounts of alcohol to kill any brain cells that might remember this episode . . .
Hakkai: We're not taking responsibility for any other side effects either . . . And the author is tone-deaf to begin with, so any complaints with the arrangement should be stacked solely on her head. When she wakes up, of course.
The End.