| HOME Part Three How
will it end? Time passing, and our passages of love
She dressed slowly, feeling the uniform capture her, close around her and it felt safe. She was surprised. She had had her doubts about returning to duty, but now she needed something to do, and she also was needed. For over a year now there had been reports trickling in from patrols of the neutral zone that not only Romulan, but also Cardassian ships, had been picked up on sensor sweeps of Romulan space. How had Chakotay reacted to a new Cardassian threat? She wished she knew. At least this time he and Starfleet were on the same side. There were, then, inevitable rumours of an alliance, something the Federation could not afford to ignore when the members of such an alliance would be her two most formidable enemies. Kathryn's call to Owen Paris had therefore been well received, and she had been ushered back into the fold almost immediately. She stood once again before the mirror, this time fully dressed. She took a comb and some pins and began to tie up her hair, which she had allowed to grow out of control again since leaving the Fleet. She opted for a simple style, no fuss, smoothing back the escaping strands. All that was left was her Admiral's pip and insignia, and her comm-badge, which she quickly fastened on. She looked well, she looked professional. The butterflies in her stomach told her that she felt somewhat different, but she drew herself up tall, picked up her small case and marched herself out of the house. The San Francisco air was bracing as she stepped off the transport. There was still a short walk to Starfleet HQ, which she was glad of. It would clear her mind ready for the meeting ahead. She had read the briefing twice on the transport and had a few questions, a few suggestions if she was called upon. With the situation as it was she would have no time to ease herself back into her duties, but would be expected to perform at to her full capabilities. The mild, white winter sun shone on her face as she walked, and she felt herself smiling. Things were going to be alright. The clean, angular facade of Starfleet HQ arose before her as she crossed the grounds. She was glad to be back. She was shown into a conference room with a long ovoid table with twelve chairs around it. Owen Paris was seated at the head of the table, and two Vulcans sat to his right. "Kathryn! Good Morning!" He stood and came to her, grasping her hand and shaking it vigorously. "It's good to see you!" "You too Sir. I see they're keeping you exactly where they want you." She smiled. "I wouldn't have it any other way, you know that. And what's with this Sir'?? You're one of us now!" "Aah, it really doesn't feel like that." They fell quiet for a moment. "How are you Kathryn?" his voice was low. "I'm fine, thank you" "No really. You scared us going off like that. Have you been OK?" "Really," she found it difficult to keep her voice strong. "I've been alright." Paris's concerned eyes looked into hers and he nodded. "OK. Won't you have a seat." He gestured to his left. "The others will be here soon. I'd like you to meet Ensign Burlan and Lieutenant Commander D'Mal, they'll be part of your focus group. Don't worry," he said at the confused look on her face, "everything will be explained as soon as the others arrive and we can begin." Kathryn nodded, uncertain. What focus group was this? She had thought this was just going to be a preliminary meeting, but something told her that the situation was far more advanced than the initial briefs had intimated. The look on Owen Paris's face reminded her of the dark expression that would come over her father's visage during the very first years of the trouble with Cardassia. The familiar twinge of guilt and grief sobered her, and she focused on the Vulcan pair before her. Ensign Burlan was a fairly young, sharp looking man, his uniform crisp, his posture rigid. D'Mal was a slightly older female, with glossy hair and a face that looked permanently amused. Disconcerting in anybody, but especially in a Vulcan. It was as if she knew something that everybody else did not. Owen Paris was talking quietly to D'Mal; it seemed they had been acquaintances for some years now, and Kathryn listened to them speaking of Vulcan when a cold draught on the back of her neck told her that the door had opened. Putting on her best professional face she sat up straight and waited while the others took their seats. A middle-aged man with greying hair and a red uniform sat next to her and nodded his greetings. Two engineers took their places next to Burlan and D'Mal followed by a number of medical staff. A flash of a red uniform caught her eye aside the man sat next to her, and before she even looked up she somehow knew it was Chakotay. She turned her head slowly to look at him, fearful yet excited, and met his eyes already focused intensely on her. Having been caught unawares her heart began to beat wildly. Her fingers twitched, wanting to touch him. "Kathryn," he nodded. "Hi," she noticed his four pips. She hadn't known that he'd been promoted, but then she didn't know much at all about his past four years. She looked down and calmed herself. Owen Paris's voice prevented her from dwelling too long, as he called for order and opened the meeting. "Computer, engage privacy lock. Communications silence." Kathryn looked at the company gathered around the table, all except the Vulcan pair were now shifting in their seats, decidedly uncomfortable. Something heavy was going down here. "Colleagues, friends," Paris began. "We'd best get right down to business. I'm afraid the situation with the Romulans and Cardassians is more serious than you have been led to believe. The information you have been given is a standard release which is unfortunately thinned out for public consumption." Kathryn felt chilled. When Voyager has returned they had discovered that the war with Cardassia and the Dominion had brought about many changes within the Federation. The Romulans had apparently decided to opt out once more of cordial relations with the Federation, and had been an unknown quantity' for some time now. The idea of the power of such an alliance was terrifying. Admiral Paris continued. "The information on the terminals before you is more truthful. You'll see from our intelligence that there has been a considerable step-up in enemy activity in the Allegra section of the neutral zone bordering on Federation space." Enemy activity. Another shiver ran down her spine and she clenched her teeth. This did not sound good. "People you have been assembled here for a briefing on your next assignment, an information gathering mission in the Allegra region." Kathryn suddenly felt as if she were inside a bubble. This was all horribly familiar. Feeling that everybody must be looking at her she jerked her head up, but only Chakotay's eyes were on her. He was frowning, and raised his eyebrows at her. She nodded that she was OK, glad of his notice and immediately strengthened by his support, as always. She turned her attention back to the Admiral. "Transmitting to your terminals now is your mission briefing. This is a top secret mission and you are the only members of the crew in full possession of the facts. I expect it to stay that way. If you'll give your attention to the manifest you will note that Kathryn Janeway will be captaining this mission, supported by Commander Chakotay. I'm sorry you guys have to take a small demotion for this mission but I had to be sure of who I put on the job, being that I can't take it myself." His eyes locked into Kathryn's. The truth was that he didn't want it, and she nodded in understanding. He smiled slightly, sadly, then continued. "These records are eyes only. Any discussion of the mission will be subject to the procedures laid out in your brief. You leave at 0800 hours. Any questions? Then you are dismissed." The people seated around the table slowly arose, eyeing one another silently. Kathryn turned to Chakotay and was about to speak when Paris spoke from behind her. "Kathryn, could you stay for a moment please?" "Certainly," Kathryn replied. She turned back to Chakotay but he was already at the door and leaving. "Sorry Admiral, what is it?" "Please, can't you call me Owen after all these years?" "Give me some time on that one OK?" she laughed. "Now, what is it? You look troubled." She touched his arm gently. He shook his head. "Oh Kathryn, this is bringing back too many memories for me. But that's not why I asked you back just now. I want to know about you. Are you up to this? I mean really?" "I think I am," she said quietly. "There's really no need to worry." She looked up into the older man's eyes, beseeching him. She needed to do this. "OK," he looked convinced. "And how do you like the team?" "They seem a good bunch," she avoided the only question she really wanted to ask. "Where did D'Mal come from?" "Oh she's had a long service on DS4, a wonderful engineer. I'm sure you'll find her very valuable on your crew." It suddenly came home to Kathryn - she was getting another command. "Did you handpick them all?" "Yes. Oh, all except Chakotay. He requested the mission." "He-" Kathryn barely concealed her surprise. "I, er, I thought it was top secret?" "It is. And that's why I accepted his offer. He's a very bright man. Maybe it was all those years with the Maquis, but he knew this was coming a long time ago. He was quite instrumental in the early stages of planning." Kathryn nodded. "Thank you Owen. I think I'll go and review the brief. Early start in the morning." "Very well." "I'll be in my quarters in the senior staff wing if you need me." "OK. Oh, and Kathryn," he stopped her as she began to leave. "Good luck." ***** It
was 0400 hours as Kathryn Janeway transported to spacedock and approached
the Aristeia. It was a good-looking craft, not unlike her parent ship
the Defiant, but bigger, sleeker, newer. Her brief alone had included
the full specs of this new ship, so that she could use her discretion
as to who needed to know what, why and when. The cloaking device that
had been loaned to the Federation by the Romulans had long since been
reclaimed, but Starfleet still had a few tricks up their sleeves. A prototype
cloak had been fitted to the Aristeia, and had fared extremely well in
tests. This cloak worked on ships sensors rather than anything else, which
meant that it was still visible to the naked eye or on a view screen,
but practically impervious to systems like targeting scanners or weapons
locks. The metaphasic shields that had graced the Defiant had been upgraded
so that they could run for longer periods, based on a new deuterium derivative
as a power source. It had a sustained top speed equaling the warp 9.975
of Voyager along with some of her bio-neural circuitry, but the static
nacelles meant less maneuverability at high warp. That was but a small
price, however, for such a ship. The Aristeia was heavily armed, but on
all scans she would show up merely as a science vessel. The ideal ship
for an intelligence mission, Kathryn thought. A lot of careful planning
had gone into this ship. She tapped her comm-badge. "Chakotay to Janeway." "Janeway here," she said quietly. "Good morning Commander. I'll beam you aboard directly." "Acknowledged." His voice over the comm. Oh it had been so long! A wave of melancholy passed over her as she worked the console. She thought she was up to working with him again.....Chakotay shimmered into being on the pad. "Hi." "Hi," she choked back. "Thought I'd get an early start, but it looks like you beat me to it." "Shouldn't that be permission to come aboard captain'?" she forced a smile. No use getting off on the wrong foot. Chakotay smiled back, relieved at her ease. He knew this could have been very difficult. Still could. His dimples flashed and she melted. "Oh come on, let's go and see if the Aristeia is all she's cracked up to be." ***** Here it comes, she thought. She knew they couldn't completely bury the past but.... "Yes?" "I know you've had a very difficult time over the past three or four years, but I think I need to know how difficult." Kathryn drew in a breath. Oh this was horrible. So long as he didn't bring it up she felt she could stop herself from throwing herself at his feet. Dammit! she thought to herself - Stop this Kathryn! You've done it before and you can do it again! She began to steel herself, began the process she always went through on taking up a new command, restoring the Captain's facade. "Kathryn?" "Sorry - what?" "As your First Officer I have to be convinced that my Captain is fit for duty." Ahh. Right. "I don't think you have anything to worry about there Commander. Ah look, the mess hall. Care to join me for some coffee?" "I see Captain Janeway is doing just fine. I'd like that. But-" he caught her arm as she tried to pass, noting that this time she did not shy away from him, but looked up at him with her big blue eyes. "But what?" "But - are you OK with this? Really? Us working together again like this?" "Chakotay come, sit down, please." They replicated some coffee and sat at a table. Chakotay I cant say that it's all going to be wonderful - can you?" "No, but-" "No but we're both adults. And I can't think of anybody Id rather have as my Number One right now. And I'm so sorry for what happened. I hope it won't interfere too much." "You don't hurt at all?" His voice was a whisper and he wouldn't meet her eyes. Where had that come from? She felt a lump in her throat. "Oh Chakotay you've no idea!" He looked up then. "I didn't leave you because I didn't love you," she put her hand over his on the table. "You know how I feel Chakotay." Chakotay cleared his throat nervously, and removed his hands from hers. "Well, like you said. We're both adults. I promise I will allow no negative feelings to interfere with this mission." "Negative feelings?" her eyebrows knit, pained. "Like I said Kathryn, old wounds." Her face was blank, unreadable, but he knew she was crushed. Chakotay winced inwardly, but this was all he was capable of right now. Three weeks ago he had known nothing of her except the hurt and confusion of her disappearance, and here he was once again under her command. He was torn, afraid. "Now, if you'll excuse me. I have a few things I need to check on before the crew being boarding." Kathryn nodded, and watched as he left the mess hall. Her heart seemed to swell with regret, before she pushed the emotion down. This was a little too much like deja-vu for her comfort. ***** They met twice daily for progress reports. It was not strictly necessary but Kathryn was desperate to keep a firm grip on the two situations. She suspected Chakotay knew as much, but he said nothing. She felt guilty, but his lack of protest allowed her some hope. "So what would you like for lunch today?" They were in her Ready Room, tiny compared to the spacious office on Voyager. "I'll just have a cheese sandwich please Kathryn, and some water." He sat down. "Have the reports come in yet?" Reports were due from the focus group today, and they were both beginning to get a little edgy. They wouldn't show anything as yet, but they were getting closer to their objective all the time. "Yes, an hour ago. Everything checks out as normal." She handed Chakotay his lunch. "However...." He looked up, his eyes questioning at her grave expression. She went on, "I received a gold priority subspace communication from the Admiral thirty minutes ago. We have new orders." A heavy silence settled between them, and Kathryn sat weakly down. The colour had drained from her face and she was staring into space. "What is it Kathryn?" Chakotay asked gently. "Starfleet has received further intelligence on this matter. We're to proceed across the neutral zone and into Romulan space." Chakotay froze. She continued, "I have the coordinates of a route through Klingon space and into the Cardassian Union that is supposedly a weapons run between the two governments." The silence fell again as Chakotay took in the drastic step-up in their mission. He looked at Kathryn, she was still pale as a ghost. "What is it?" She jumped as though he'd shouted. Looking blankly at him for a moment she stood up and began to pace up and down in front of him. "Kathryn!" He stood up and stopped her, taking her by the shoulders. "You're scaring me - what is it?" "Oh I'm sorry Chakotay. It's just....." she turned her head and would not meet his eyes. "This just brings back a lot of memories for me. Of my first mission - it was with Owen Paris." "Admiral Paris?" "Yes. My very first mission," she sighed. "It was supposedly a scientific mission, to study massive compact halo objects. But there was a focus group there also, a group of rangers, on a mission just like ours today." "So - what? Why do you look like you've seen a ghost? Did something go wrong?" Kathryn had sat down again, but was perched tensely. "I never told you. The mission seemed fine - I barely even noticed the second agenda. But six months into the mission Paris and I were taking a shuttle to one of the moons of Urtea II to visit one of our sensor arrays. We were captured by the Cardassians." Now it was Chakotay's turn to pale. His lips moved but he said nothing. He knew only too well what capture by Cardassia meant, and his time as Maquis had endowed him with innumerable details he would be more than happy to forget. "Were you -" he couldn't say the words. He went and knelt on the floor before her taking her hands, not able to bear seeing her in pain like this, scared, all of the protective urges he'd squashed rising dangerously close to the surface. "No - but Paris, yes. I was.....locked in a.....a small - something, a cell......I was beaten.....but I could hear Paris outside." She was looking down at her hands, trying to focus on them as the memories and the terror threatened to overwhelm her. She told Chakotay about the rescue, about hiding in the swamp and about the Toskanar dogs. She also recalled Paris when she next saw him. It all came tumbling out. When she became quiet, Chakotay was still kneeling before her with her hand in his. "I'm sorry Kathryn. Why didn't you-" "Tell you?"" she interrupted. "Gods look at me Chakotay-" she held out her white, shaking hands. "Do you think I like feeling like this? I think about it as little as I can." She shook her head. "But then - who would understand better than you?" She looked up into his eyes and reached out a hand to touch his face. "You understand everything about me." Chakotay didn't flinch or move away, but stayed frozen, trying to decide if this was good or not. Her hand on his face was soft and calming, but his mind was in revolt, confused and wary of her. He realised she was crying, just a few tears in her eyes, breaking free to tumble down her face, but crying all the same. "What is it?" He almost whispered. "What?" he repeated, as she slowly shook her head. "Oh Chakotay, I thought I could do this, I really thought I could. But I love you too much, and I need you. I thought I could do this. It's tearing me up, having you here, but not with me." She couldn't believe she was saying this - in her Ready Room, in command. The tension of the past few weeks, the portentous new orders and the memories that now forced themselves upon her had left her shaken so thoroughly that she had reached out to the only thing she felt was true and reliable. Chakotay's mind reeled, his resolve slipping. What now? Should he go to her? Gods - he wanted to. But was that enough? He couldn't go to her now only to discover later that the wounds had been just too deep to heal. But this was his Kathryn, the woman he had sworn himself to for as long as he lived, the woman his animal guide had warned him about years before he had even joined the Maquis. She was the one. There would be nobody else if not her. Could he let something so unique pass on just because he was afraid? The decision was made. "Kathryn." Her head was down and she raised it, trying to focus on him through the sheen of tears. "Kathryn I'm here for you. I'm here." He took her in his arms and she slipped from the couch to huddle next to him on the floor. He kissed the top of her head, and eventually she grew calm.. She looked up at him. "OK?" he asked. She nodded her response, unable to find the words to describe her relief and joy, the feeling that the last piece of a jigsaw had just been slotted into place, that everything was somehow right again with the universe, that she could face anything with her hand in his. Ten years ago she would have baulked at the idea of needing anybody, but they had been odd years, not easy. And it was if needing Chakotay was not a weakness, more an affirmation of her strength, a confirmation of the humanity which drove her, which defined who she was. She shifted against him and looked up. "OK?" it was her turn to ask. "Yes, although I'm positive I'll live to regret it." Her stomach lurched, but the glint in his eye, and the smirk on his face told her it was OK. She thumped him lightly on the chest. "I have a briefing to give. There'll be no second agenda any more on this mission." "You're going to tell them all?" "Absolutely. They're going to know as soon as we pass into Romulan space anyhow. I want to be prepared...." her voice trailed off. "Not like last time?" Chakotay offered. "Not like last time. They deserve to know." Her comm-badge chirped. "Bridge to Janeway." "Go ahead." "You said you wanted to know when we reached the border Captain." "Acknowledged. Hold position. And tell the crew to prepare for a ship-wide briefing. We have new orders Lieutenant." "Yes Ma'am." The line chirped closed. She turned to Chakotay "Well, let's just hope Starfleet knows what they're doing."
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Home in 6 parts
By: dropdeadred
Voyager is home. What was it that drove a wedge been the captain and Chakotay?
Rated: Fiction T - English - Drama/Romance - K. Janeway, Chakotay - Chapters: 6 - Words: 17,779 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 2 - Updated: Oct 31, 2002 - Published: Oct 29, 2002 - id: 1037897
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Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten
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